Lists, Pop Culture, Theory & Essay, Uncategorized

hot for teacher: the relationship litmus test

 

its an inevitability.

a forgone conclusion.

an inflexible and inescapable eventuality.

it all starts the same way. champ enters room. champ announces his presence, usually by either giving a head nod to noone in particular or verbally stating “the champ is here” in a forcefully hushed tone. outrageously attractive woman approaches champ. champ and outrageously attractive woman immediately leave room and have wild shitake monkey sex. champ and woman speak. woman is impressed with champ’s diction and banter. champ is impressed with woman’s diction and banter, but more impressed with her ass.

eventually, the champ and this woman will go on 2-4 extremely irrelevant dates, filled with aggressively nonchalant flirting, subtle promises of breakfast making, and extremely irrelevant questions, sans for one…the champs most tried and true relationship litmus test

“do you like “the wire”?”

although seemingly innocuous, this simple five word question tells me everything i need to know about the potential somewhat significant other. “how, omnipotent champ?” you ask? its all about the answers.

lemme walk you through it

1. “no. it sucks”

there’s two types of people in this world: people who love the wire, and soul-less hemophiliac viking pedophiles. there’s no inbetween. if you don’t like the wire, than you’re a soul-less hemophiliac viking pedophile. since the champ doesn’t date soul-less hemophiliac viking pedophiles unless they look like post-“in the house”/pre-crack maia campbell, this answer lets me know there’s no future between us. also, usually at this point i offer to go dutch.

2. “no. i can’t watch it because it reminds me too much of home”

run!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i dont want to hear how. i don’t look back. i don’t ask for the check. i just run.

3. “hmmm. the wire? never heard of it”

obviously, this means that this person is living in a pop culture vacuum. although her pop cultural ignorance shows that we wouldn’t be compatible, women living in pop culture vacuums tend to be freaks (ie: palin, sarah) so you can find an eventual use for her if you’re creative.

4. “i actually haven’t seen it, but i’ve heard good things about it.”

5. “yes!!!”

the only completely acceptable answers. if she follows up with “in fact, i just bought the complete dvd set”, i might even make her some buttermilk waffles.

whether conscious or subconscious, blatant or subtle, intentional or accidental, we all have relationship litmus tests we put prospective prospects through. unambiguous measuring sticks, these or our standardized ways of weeding through the mucky modern-day relationship morass.

***along with the wire query, i also give potentials the stair test. to expound, i live on the top floor of my building. if a walk up to my apartment makes you sound like an emphasemic darth vader, maybe its time to head back to training camp***

so, people of vsb…what are your relationship litmus tests?

—the champ

Filed Under: ,
Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a contributing editor for EBONY.com. He lives in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes. Reach him at damon@verysmartbrothas.com. Or don't.

  • http://theyounganddisenchanted.wordpress.com/ puff

    i hate that i read this site so much that one of my relationship litmus test is also “do you watch the wire?” I literally die inside every time a dude does the whole, “Oh yeah, I tried to watch it but I didn’t really understand it.” I don’t think I’d be able to forgive even Idris Elba for doing that. Not that Idris Elba would, but you know what I mean.

    Other questions:

    1. Do you watch 24? (Desired response: “Jack Bauer = GOD”)

    2. Would you have anal chex? (Desired response = *disgusted face*)

    3. I’m from Africa (Undesired response: any reference whatsoever to safaris, the Lion King, loose-tittay-having “tribeswomen,” AIDS, Darfur, jungles, apes, whether there are really pygmies roaming wild through the streets with no appropriate midget-protection police force in action – in short, if it’s not about Nigeria specifically e.g. “Oh, I know a little bit about Lagos”, please just shut the freak up or politely ask me to elaborate).

    4. This isn’t a question, but any guy who’s ready to call me his girlfriend after one date (or, more often, one session dans le sack) also fails the relationship litmus test. We need to get to know each other a little better first – if you move too fast for me, it’s not going to work. Period.

    • ofloveandotherdemons

      @puff,

      3. I don’t get alot of these responses. What I do get however is “Oh, yeah my *insert appropriate relative* is a missionary/ went on a mission trip/ funded a mission trip/ dreamt he was on a mission trip to Africa (yeah, it’s still never a specific country). This usually induces two automatic responses: 1. Shit, how much saving do we really need? 2. Oh God, please don’t let the follow up statement be along the lines ” Yeah, those poor children were so sad/ The people were so welcoming, they had so little but were so happy to share/ I just love how happy and warm everyone is.’ I don’t know why but any of the statements or combinations of or similar variations makes me want to impale the person that uttered them with the nearest plastic object.
      Call me ungodly, but if I could I would ban all missionaries from setting foot into that continent and/or telling me their warm, fuzzy ‘there so poor but happy spiel’.
      Ooooh, I also get the ‘ Yeah, I’m going to Africa in *insert appropriate time frame* followed by a very pregnant pause. I never know what to say. I usually nod, smile and say “Good for you. I’m sure you’ll love it.”

      • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=73903598 Dom

        @ofloveandotherdemons,

        So basically after you announce you’re from Africa the other person should just sit there and smile? No further dialogue needed?

        • YGB

          @Dom,
          one could ask which country – just a thought…

          • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=73903598 Dom

            @YGB,

            I guess that works.

          • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=73903598 Dom

            @YGB,

            I guess that works.

        • YGB

          @Dom,
          one could ask which country – just a thought…

        • ofloveandotherdemons

          @Dom,
          No, I’m perfectly happy to discuss anything about my country as long it doesn’t involve missions,orphanages or impending travel plans. Yes, I’m aware it’s illogical but mention of mission trips stories or trips gives me hives. In the case of the former I always feel like the person telling me this expects me to congratulate them or thank them for helping our poor, and the later wants travel points on an entire continent. Logic and emotion never seem to be in sync with me.
          Seriously though, Africa as a continent is the most christian(ized) place in the planet, do we really still need all those missionaries? 75% of the population already knows and loves BBJ, shouldn’t Christiandom start rerouting all those resources to Asia or somesuch? I alse read The River Between growing up, about colonial era missionaries, and me and them have been a no-go since then.

          • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

            @ofloveandotherdemons,

            i’m going to officially un-ban you. although i dont agree with you, i appreciate your perspective and sh*t

          • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

            @ofloveandotherdemons,

            i’m going to officially un-ban you. although i dont agree with you, i appreciate your perspective and sh*t

          • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=73903598 Dom

            @ofloveandotherdemons,

            Dont get me wrong, I agree that the missionary work is some BS. Esp. in 2009. But it seems the travel thing is taking it a bit too far. Seems like people are just looking for a way to connect with you and keep the convo going. I dont think the later is meant to be ofensive at all.

          • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=73903598 Dom

            @ofloveandotherdemons,

            Dont get me wrong, I agree that the missionary work is some BS. Esp. in 2009. But it seems the travel thing is taking it a bit too far. Seems like people are just looking for a way to connect with you and keep the convo going. I dont think the later is meant to be ofensive at all.

        • ofloveandotherdemons

          @Dom,
          No, I’m perfectly happy to discuss anything about my country as long it doesn’t involve missions,orphanages or impending travel plans. Yes, I’m aware it’s illogical but mention of mission trips stories or trips gives me hives. In the case of the former I always feel like the person telling me this expects me to congratulate them or thank them for helping our poor, and the later wants travel points on an entire continent. Logic and emotion never seem to be in sync with me.
          Seriously though, Africa as a continent is the most christian(ized) place in the planet, do we really still need all those missionaries? 75% of the population already knows and loves BBJ, shouldn’t Christiandom start rerouting all those resources to Asia or somesuch? I alse read The River Between growing up, about colonial era missionaries, and me and them have been a no-go since then.

      • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=73903598 Dom

        @ofloveandotherdemons,

        So basically after you announce you’re from Africa the other person should just sit there and smile? No further dialogue needed?

      • http://freetherapyorelse.blogspot.com Specialized Sula

        @ofloveandotherdemons,

        I do feel this entire comment so much, I have no words.

        :)

      • http://freetherapyorelse.blogspot.com Specialized Sula

        @ofloveandotherdemons,

        I do feel this entire comment so much, I have no words.

        :)

    • ofloveandotherdemons

      @puff,

      3. I don’t get alot of these responses. What I do get however is “Oh, yeah my *insert appropriate relative* is a missionary/ went on a mission trip/ funded a mission trip/ dreamt he was on a mission trip to Africa (yeah, it’s still never a specific country). This usually induces two automatic responses: 1. Shit, how much saving do we really need? 2. Oh God, please don’t let the follow up statement be along the lines ” Yeah, those poor children were so sad/ The people were so welcoming, they had so little but were so happy to share/ I just love how happy and warm everyone is.’ I don’t know why but any of the statements or combinations of or similar variations makes me want to impale the person that uttered them with the nearest plastic object.
      Call me ungodly, but if I could I would ban all missionaries from setting foot into that continent and/or telling me their warm, fuzzy ‘there so poor but happy spiel’.
      Ooooh, I also get the ‘ Yeah, I’m going to Africa in *insert appropriate time frame* followed by a very pregnant pause. I never know what to say. I usually nod, smile and say “Good for you. I’m sure you’ll love it.”

    • http://jdiva.wordpress.com chaoticdiva

      @puff,

      Um, why is the current guy I’m dating acting like your #4? I think we’ve had this discussion already though…

      …AND he’s getting worse…again.

      • http://theyounganddisenchanted.wordpress.com/ puff

        @chaoticdiva,

        i tell you girl, take two and walk it out withOUT this dude… these are the ones who end up stalkers/pains in the ar$e. can’t stand no clingy nucca…

      • http://theyounganddisenchanted.wordpress.com/ puff

        @chaoticdiva,

        i tell you girl, take two and walk it out withOUT this dude… these are the ones who end up stalkers/pains in the ar$e. can’t stand no clingy nucca…

    • http://jdiva.wordpress.com chaoticdiva

      @puff,

      Um, why is the current guy I’m dating acting like your #4? I think we’ve had this discussion already though…

      …AND he’s getting worse…again.

    • http://myspace.com/shatani shatani

      @puff,

      “3. I’m from Africa (Undesired response: any reference whatsoever to safaris, the Lion King, loose-tittay-having “tribeswomen,” AIDS, Darfur, jungles, apes, whether there are really pygmies roaming wild through the streets with no appropriate midget-protection police force in action – in short, if it’s not about Nigeria specifically e.g. “Oh, I know a little bit about Lagos”, please just shut the freak up or politely ask me to elaborate).”

      LMAO! i havent had any of those responses, but sweet jebus that is hilarious!

    • http://myspace.com/shatani shatani

      @puff,

      “3. I’m from Africa (Undesired response: any reference whatsoever to safaris, the Lion King, loose-tittay-having “tribeswomen,” AIDS, Darfur, jungles, apes, whether there are really pygmies roaming wild through the streets with no appropriate midget-protection police force in action – in short, if it’s not about Nigeria specifically e.g. “Oh, I know a little bit about Lagos”, please just shut the freak up or politely ask me to elaborate).”

      LMAO! i havent had any of those responses, but sweet jebus that is hilarious!

    • YGB

      @puff,
      “3. I’m from Africa (Undesired response: any reference whatsoever to safaris, the Lion King, loose-tittay-having “tribeswomen,” AIDS, Darfur, jungles, apes, whether there are really pygmies roaming wild through the streets with no appropriate midget-protection police force in action – in short, if it’s not about Nigeria specifically e.g. “Oh, I know a little bit about Lagos”, please just shut the freak up or politely ask me to elaborate).”

      Please do not get me started! This REALLY REALLY grates my tits!
      Like this one ignoramus who asked me if it’s true that lions run around the street and sh*t! Response: depends on what u’ve been smoking!
      To people who have asked/planning to ask this question: do you realize that lions actually eat people?

      • http://myspace.com/shatani shatani

        @YGB,

        grates your tits?!?! ouch! first ive heard that one! lol

        • YGB

          @shatani,

          That question causes me so much pain u hav no idea!

        • YGB

          @shatani,

          That question causes me so much pain u hav no idea!

      • http://myspace.com/shatani shatani

        @YGB,

        grates your tits?!?! ouch! first ive heard that one! lol

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

        @YGB,

        is tit grating an african thing?

        • superwoman

          @The Champ, stop it.

          just.stop.it.

        • superwoman

          @The Champ, stop it.

          just.stop.it.

        • YGB

          @The Champ,

          LOL! Fukken STOP!

        • YGB

          @The Champ,

          LOL! Fukken STOP!

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

        @YGB,

        is tit grating an african thing?

    • YGB

      @puff,
      “3. I’m from Africa (Undesired response: any reference whatsoever to safaris, the Lion King, loose-tittay-having “tribeswomen,” AIDS, Darfur, jungles, apes, whether there are really pygmies roaming wild through the streets with no appropriate midget-protection police force in action – in short, if it’s not about Nigeria specifically e.g. “Oh, I know a little bit about Lagos”, please just shut the freak up or politely ask me to elaborate).”

      Please do not get me started! This REALLY REALLY grates my tits!
      Like this one ignoramus who asked me if it’s true that lions run around the street and sh*t! Response: depends on what u’ve been smoking!
      To people who have asked/planning to ask this question: do you realize that lions actually eat people?

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      @puff,

      i hate that i read this site so much that one of my relationship litmus test is also “do you watch the wire?”

      wait. did vsb directly influence your wire litmus test? if so, this might be the most important thing ive ever done this week

      • http://theyounganddisenchanted.wordpress.com/ puff

        @The Champ,

        lol, actually it did – it verified for me that the wire is indeed the greatest show of all time, ever. and if vsb thinks so, then any man i’m dating must too.

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

          @puff,

          this makes me proud and sh*t

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

          @puff,

          this makes me proud and sh*t

      • http://theyounganddisenchanted.wordpress.com/ puff

        @The Champ,

        lol, actually it did – it verified for me that the wire is indeed the greatest show of all time, ever. and if vsb thinks so, then any man i’m dating must too.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      @puff,

      i hate that i read this site so much that one of my relationship litmus test is also “do you watch the wire?”

      wait. did vsb directly influence your wire litmus test? if so, this might be the most important thing ive ever done this week

    • http://www.museacdonline.com pgh muse

      @puff,

      # 4 is real shyt. Moving to fast is sinful… and it the reason for global warming, test tube babies, cloning chickens, the erosion of the polar ice caps, al queda, the war in palestine, lol…. and a host of other evils.

    • http://www.museacdonline.com pgh muse

      @puff,

      # 4 is real shyt. Moving to fast is sinful… and it the reason for global warming, test tube babies, cloning chickens, the erosion of the polar ice caps, al queda, the war in palestine, lol…. and a host of other evils.

    • superwoman

      @puff, it’s HAAARD being an african woman, for reasons people don’t even know!

      i remember i was in jamaica once on holiday, with two friends – one from zimbabwe, and another from kenya – and we stopped telling the locals (specifically the men) where we were from (and faked bad, bad american accents) because on hearing i was south african, they would always, always, ALWAYS ask me to sing miriam makeba’s click song!!! while asking for our numbers!!

      another horrid response was them breaking down our geneaology (both my friends were half white – i am not, but apparently, light skinned enough that i must’ve been 1/4 white) – so men would be like ‘you girls african??? noo, noo waaaaaay too light skinned’… (this is supposed to be a compliment mind you)…. what you mixed with??”

      this is how NOT to get the girls number…

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

        @superwoman,

        “…they would always, always, ALWAYS ask me to sing miriam makeba’s click song!!”

        i forgot to list this. during the first phone convo i always ask the chick to sing this song, just to test her pipes. damn, who knew that this was a transcendent test??

        • http://lostwomanchild.blogspot.com/ blackberry molasses

          @The Champ,

          SHUT.IT.

        • http://lostwomanchild.blogspot.com/ blackberry molasses

          @The Champ,

          SHUT.IT.

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

        @superwoman,

        “…they would always, always, ALWAYS ask me to sing miriam makeba’s click song!!”

        i forgot to list this. during the first phone convo i always ask the chick to sing this song, just to test her pipes. damn, who knew that this was a transcendent test??

    • superwoman

      @puff, it’s HAAARD being an african woman, for reasons people don’t even know!

      i remember i was in jamaica once on holiday, with two friends – one from zimbabwe, and another from kenya – and we stopped telling the locals (specifically the men) where we were from (and faked bad, bad american accents) because on hearing i was south african, they would always, always, ALWAYS ask me to sing miriam makeba’s click song!!! while asking for our numbers!!

      another horrid response was them breaking down our geneaology (both my friends were half white – i am not, but apparently, light skinned enough that i must’ve been 1/4 white) – so men would be like ‘you girls african??? noo, noo waaaaaay too light skinned’… (this is supposed to be a compliment mind you)…. what you mixed with??”

      this is how NOT to get the girls number…

    • Nikiloveli

      @puff,

      How is it that you can make enough of a connection to have dude dancing all up in the vajiggles, but not enough of one for exclusivity to not be considered “moving too fast”?

      • http://theyounganddisenchanted.wordpress.com/ puff

        @Nikiloveli,

        for me, chex is one part of checking that we’re mutually compatible, not a special prize at the end of everything. i gotta test run the goods before i commit, both physical and otherwise.

        • nikiloveli

          @puff,

          Understood.

        • nikiloveli

          @puff,

          Understood.

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

          @puff,

          chex is one part of checking that we’re mutually compatible

          so you base your sexual compatibility judgment on first time sex, which is traditionally usually the worst sex you have with somebody?

          • Nikiloveli

            @The Champ,

            1st time chex is like the first pancake. It’s only purpose is to properly calibrate the timing, temperature, and lubrication necessary to achieve success on subsequent attempts.

            • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

              @Nikiloveli,

              if your analogy was a sneaker, it would be the iversons from 1998 (the most comfortable basketball shoe ever)

            • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

              @Nikiloveli,

              if your analogy was a sneaker, it would be the iversons from 1998 (the most comfortable basketball shoe ever)

          • Nikiloveli

            @The Champ,

            1st time chex is like the first pancake. It’s only purpose is to properly calibrate the timing, temperature, and lubrication necessary to achieve success on subsequent attempts.

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

          @puff,

          chex is one part of checking that we’re mutually compatible

          so you base your sexual compatibility judgment on first time sex, which is traditionally usually the worst sex you have with somebody?

        • http://www.myspace.com/chicanextdoor miss patterson

          @puff, this is true. i guess i disagree with everyone on this issue. i think first time chex can determine a lot. it doesn’t have to be a home run, but if the basics (like paying attention and at least trying to get me off) are not included then i probably don’t want to have a second time with you.

        • http://www.myspace.com/chicanextdoor miss patterson

          @puff, this is true. i guess i disagree with everyone on this issue. i think first time chex can determine a lot. it doesn’t have to be a home run, but if the basics (like paying attention and at least trying to get me off) are not included then i probably don’t want to have a second time with you.

      • http://theyounganddisenchanted.wordpress.com/ puff

        @Nikiloveli,

        for me, chex is one part of checking that we’re mutually compatible, not a special prize at the end of everything. i gotta test run the goods before i commit, both physical and otherwise.

    • Nikiloveli

      @puff,

      How is it that you can make enough of a connection to have dude dancing all up in the vajiggles, but not enough of one for exclusivity to not be considered “moving too fast”?

    • overit

      @puff, 3 for me brings unwarannted mentions of how much they loved ‘Black Hawk Down’. At which point I pull out the lil flask in my bag, pour out some sh*t, and calmly walk (not run) to the nearest exit.

      • overit

        @overit, *unwarranted. dang keyboard.

      • overit

        @overit, *unwarranted. dang keyboard.

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

        @overit,

        black hawk down was easily one of the most disturbing movies i’ve ever seen, right up there with “mystic river” and “glitter”

        • http://lostwomanchild.blogspot.com/ blackberry molasses

          @The Champ,

          I damn near had italian dark roast all over my monitor when i read this…. warn people next time, will ya?

        • http://lostwomanchild.blogspot.com/ blackberry molasses

          @The Champ,

          I damn near had italian dark roast all over my monitor when i read this…. warn people next time, will ya?

        • http://www.awesomelyluvvie.com Luvvie

          @The Champ,

          You saw Glitter??? I can’t look at u the same way.

          • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

            @Luvvie,

            You saw Glitter??? I can’t look at u the same way.

            so you cant look at me with lustful eyes anymore?

            • http://www.awesomelyluvvie.com Luvvie

              @The Champ,

              If by “lustful”, you mean “Slight disdain” then yes. They have been replaced with full-fledged lethal side-eyes

            • http://www.awesomelyluvvie.com Luvvie

              @The Champ,

              If by “lustful”, you mean “Slight disdain” then yes. They have been replaced with full-fledged lethal side-eyes

          • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

            @Luvvie,

            You saw Glitter??? I can’t look at u the same way.

            so you cant look at me with lustful eyes anymore?

        • http://www.awesomelyluvvie.com Luvvie

          @The Champ,

          You saw Glitter??? I can’t look at u the same way.

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

        @overit,

        black hawk down was easily one of the most disturbing movies i’ve ever seen, right up there with “mystic river” and “glitter”

    • overit

      @puff, 3 for me brings unwarannted mentions of how much they loved ‘Black Hawk Down’. At which point I pull out the lil flask in my bag, pour out some sh*t, and calmly walk (not run) to the nearest exit.

  • http://theyounganddisenchanted.wordpress.com/ puff

    i hate that i read this site so much that one of my relationship litmus test is also “do you watch the wire?” I literally die inside every time a dude does the whole, “Oh yeah, I tried to watch it but I didn’t really understand it.” I don’t think I’d be able to forgive even Idris Elba for doing that. Not that Idris Elba would, but you know what I mean.

    Other questions:

    1. Do you watch 24? (Desired response: “Jack Bauer = GOD”)

    2. Would you have anal chex? (Desired response = *disgusted face*)

    3. I’m from Africa (Undesired response: any reference whatsoever to safaris, the Lion King, loose-tittay-having “tribeswomen,” AIDS, Darfur, jungles, apes, whether there are really pygmies roaming wild through the streets with no appropriate midget-protection police force in action – in short, if it’s not about Nigeria specifically e.g. “Oh, I know a little bit about Lagos”, please just shut the freak up or politely ask me to elaborate).

    4. This isn’t a question, but any guy who’s ready to call me his girlfriend after one date (or, more often, one session dans le sack) also fails the relationship litmus test. We need to get to know each other a little better first – if you move too fast for me, it’s not going to work. Period.

  • http://www.myspace.com/chicanextdoor Miss Patterson

    it’s hard for me to narrow it down to one, but if i had to it would be the mother-son relationship. it may sound like cliche psycho-babble but it really does say a lot. we can’t choose our parents, so i don’t fault someone for having a distant relationship with someone who isn’t an ideal parent. but it’s more about how they deal with that distance and how it manifests in their day to day relationships with women.

    speaking of the wire, you just reminded me that one of my neighbors has been holding on to my season one box set for entirely too long. start the riots.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      @Miss Patterson,

      speaking of the wire, you just reminded me that one of my neighbors has been holding on to my season one box set for entirely too long.

      how many box sets do you own and sh*t?

      • http://www.myspace.com/chicanextdoor Miss Patterson

        @The Champ, four (seasons 1 thru 4)

      • http://www.myspace.com/chicanextdoor Miss Patterson

        @The Champ, four (seasons 1 thru 4)

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      @Miss Patterson,

      speaking of the wire, you just reminded me that one of my neighbors has been holding on to my season one box set for entirely too long.

      how many box sets do you own and sh*t?

  • http://www.myspace.com/chicanextdoor Miss Patterson

    it’s hard for me to narrow it down to one, but if i had to it would be the mother-son relationship. it may sound like cliche psycho-babble but it really does say a lot. we can’t choose our parents, so i don’t fault someone for having a distant relationship with someone who isn’t an ideal parent. but it’s more about how they deal with that distance and how it manifests in their day to day relationships with women.

    speaking of the wire, you just reminded me that one of my neighbors has been holding on to my season one box set for entirely too long. start the riots.

  • apres moi

    hey what happens to the people in category number 4? that may or may not be me…

    • apres moi

      oooh never mind, i just re-read.
      good post though, i’ll be back in the morning with something substantial to add

      • Nikiloveli

        @apres moi,

        Liar.

      • Nikiloveli

        @apres moi,

        Liar.

    • apres moi

      oooh never mind, i just re-read.
      good post though, i’ll be back in the morning with something substantial to add

  • apres moi

    hey what happens to the people in category number 4? that may or may not be me…

  • ofloveandotherdemons

    I usually see whether the guy is a possible dowry candidate by ascertaining whether he is willing to put up with the things that I truly, madly and deeply love. He doesn’t have to like them, but if we are going to work he needs to be able to tolerate them.
    Case in point, I loooveee music. Love it so much that with the exception of the 8hours I spend at work I always have something playing. 85% of the time, the music I have on can be described as folksy/acoustic/granola-tree hugging-esque. Now if the very thought of having your eardrums accosted by Andrew Bird/Revival/Iron and Wine/ insert appropriate melachonly inducing-slit your wrists-acoustic band for even 30minutes makes you want to shank yourself with a rusty nail, then there is a slight chance we won’t work out.
    I’m also deathly allergic to xenophobia. If you automatically mistrust everything that doesn’t fall under your parameters of ‘normal’, and are not willing to give it/them a chance then….BOOOOOO YOU. Yep, and no banana pancakes either. Does being against xenophobia actually make you xenophobic?
    Sadly I have never watched The Wire. I know it’s telling of my charachter and probably means that I should take my DNA out the gene pool , but there it is. I don’t even have a good excuse for it. I always hoped we’d work out.

    (Sorry for the thesis length post; killer insomnia. )

    • http://jdiva.wordpress.com chaoticdiva

      @ofloveandotherdemons,

      I’ve seen one episode. That probably makes me a poser.

      • ofloveandotherdemons

        @chaoticdiva,
        Nothing wrong with being a poser. I think ‘poserdom’ is one of the most under rated social phenomenon of the 21st century. Plus, if there were no posers 78.3% of the great State of California would be unoccupied.
        I think my problem is that the show has been so hyped that not watching it is my ridicolous rebellion. An eff you to the world if you may.

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

          @ofloveandotherdemons,

          I think my problem is that the show has been so hyped that not watching it is my ridicolous rebellion. An eff you to the world if you may.

          although you’re still banned, i can understand that sentiment. this is why i refused to watch the color purple until last year. i got so tired of people telling me to watch it that i intentionally avoided it in pointless spite.

          • http://www.myspace.com/chicanextdoor miss patterson

            @The Champ, i thought every black child’s parents MADE them see this movie. my mom made me watch it in 4th grade, (i hated danny glover for a long time) and then we had to watch it in 6th grade english class too (this was at a predominately white school, mind you).

            • Toussaintthefree

              @miss patterson,
              No, the movie every black child was made to see when I was growing up was ROOTS. I cried like a baby when Kunta said his name was “Toby”… those bastards!

              • Nikiloveli

                @Toussaintthefree,

                They made us watch “Mississippi Burning” in HS. ON MLK day, no less!

              • Nikiloveli

                @Toussaintthefree,

                They made us watch “Mississippi Burning” in HS. ON MLK day, no less!

              • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

                @Toussaintthefree,

                welcome and sh@t

              • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

                @Toussaintthefree,

                welcome and sh@t

            • Toussaintthefree

              @miss patterson,
              No, the movie every black child was made to see when I was growing up was ROOTS. I cried like a baby when Kunta said his name was “Toby”… those bastards!

          • http://www.myspace.com/chicanextdoor miss patterson

            @The Champ, i thought every black child’s parents MADE them see this movie. my mom made me watch it in 4th grade, (i hated danny glover for a long time) and then we had to watch it in 6th grade english class too (this was at a predominately white school, mind you).

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

          @ofloveandotherdemons,

          I think my problem is that the show has been so hyped that not watching it is my ridicolous rebellion. An eff you to the world if you may.

          although you’re still banned, i can understand that sentiment. this is why i refused to watch the color purple until last year. i got so tired of people telling me to watch it that i intentionally avoided it in pointless spite.

      • ofloveandotherdemons

        @chaoticdiva,
        Nothing wrong with being a poser. I think ‘poserdom’ is one of the most under rated social phenomenon of the 21st century. Plus, if there were no posers 78.3% of the great State of California would be unoccupied.
        I think my problem is that the show has been so hyped that not watching it is my ridicolous rebellion. An eff you to the world if you may.

    • http://jdiva.wordpress.com chaoticdiva

      @ofloveandotherdemons,

      I’ve seen one episode. That probably makes me a poser.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      @ofloveandotherdemons,

      wow. congrats on being the first visitor to be welcomed…

      “Sadly I have never watched The Wire.”

      …and banned simultaneously. good sh*t

      • ofloveandotherdemons

        @The Champ,
        What ????? Noooooooo. Can we at least put me under a probation period?? Pretty please. I’m sure I have other traits that make up for this one charachter flaw. Sure me not watching the Wire is pretty damning, but I make killer pancakes, don’t kick baby kitten of skin baby seals……huh. Don’t those count for something. Grown seals are fair game; they should know how to stand up for themselves by then

      • ofloveandotherdemons

        @The Champ,
        What ????? Noooooooo. Can we at least put me under a probation period?? Pretty please. I’m sure I have other traits that make up for this one charachter flaw. Sure me not watching the Wire is pretty damning, but I make killer pancakes, don’t kick baby kitten of skin baby seals……huh. Don’t those count for something. Grown seals are fair game; they should know how to stand up for themselves by then

      • ofloveandotherdemons

        @The Champ,
        What….NOOOO!!!!!! So does that mean the white fence, 2.5 kids, pug and 3 chocolate, red headed children are out of the question as well?
        Come on, reconsider? I’m sure I have other traits that out way this one thing. Sure it’s pretty damning that I haven’t watched the thing, but I don’t kick baby kitten or skin young seals (the older ones are fair game). No……really, still banned?

        • ofloveandotherdemons

          @ofloveandotherdemons,

          *3 chocolate, red headed grand children*

        • ofloveandotherdemons

          @ofloveandotherdemons,

          *3 chocolate, red headed grand children*

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

          @ofloveandotherdemons,

          just as i was about to un-ban you for the pancake comment, you responding to your own comment (twice!) is enough cause for the ban to stay.

          as you can see, though, i do take bribes. a little breakfast food will take you a long way

          • ofloveandotherdemons

            @The Champ,
            Sorry, fuging technology. It said my first one didn’t go through. Mea culpa!!!! I’ll throw in some tofu scramble to sweeten the deal. Pretty please, unban me.

            • http://lostwomanchild.blogspot.com/ blackberry molasses

              @ofloveandotherdemons,

              knowing the Champ… tofu scramble MIGHT get you something worse than banned.

            • http://lostwomanchild.blogspot.com/ blackberry molasses

              @ofloveandotherdemons,

              knowing the Champ… tofu scramble MIGHT get you something worse than banned.

            • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

              @ofloveandotherdemons,

              “I’ll throw in some tofu scramble to sweeten the deal”

              is this a board game?

              • ofloveandotherdemons

                @The Champ,
                Lol, child JUST. NO. I take it you are not a tofu lover. Coool,cool.I can pass by Denny’s and grab you a Grand Slam.

              • ofloveandotherdemons

                @The Champ,
                Lol, child JUST. NO. I take it you are not a tofu lover. Coool,cool.I can pass by Denny’s and grab you a Grand Slam.

            • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

              @ofloveandotherdemons,

              “I’ll throw in some tofu scramble to sweeten the deal”

              is this a board game?

          • ofloveandotherdemons

            @The Champ,
            Sorry, fuging technology. It said my first one didn’t go through. Mea culpa!!!! I’ll throw in some tofu scramble to sweeten the deal. Pretty please, unban me.

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

          @ofloveandotherdemons,

          just as i was about to un-ban you for the pancake comment, you responding to your own comment (twice!) is enough cause for the ban to stay.

          as you can see, though, i do take bribes. a little breakfast food will take you a long way

      • ofloveandotherdemons

        @The Champ,
        What….NOOOO!!!!!! So does that mean the white fence, 2.5 kids, pug and 3 chocolate, red headed children are out of the question as well?
        Come on, reconsider? I’m sure I have other traits that out way this one thing. Sure it’s pretty damning that I haven’t watched the thing, but I don’t kick baby kitten or skin young seals (the older ones are fair game). No……really, still banned?

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      @ofloveandotherdemons,

      wow. congrats on being the first visitor to be welcomed…

      “Sadly I have never watched The Wire.”

      …and banned simultaneously. good sh*t

    • http://www.myspace.com/tiara215 Tasty Kake215

      @ofloveandotherdemons, Gabriel Garcia Mrarquez fan?…

      • ofloveandotherdemons

        @Tasty Kake215,
        Yep, he is one of my imaginary baby daddies. I’ve read everything he has written, except his biography. I’m afraid to read it incase it shatters the image of him that I’ve build in my head

      • ofloveandotherdemons

        @Tasty Kake215,
        Yep, he is one of my imaginary baby daddies. I’ve read everything he has written, except his biography. I’m afraid to read it incase it shatters the image of him that I’ve build in my head

    • http://www.myspace.com/tiara215 Tasty Kake215

      @ofloveandotherdemons, Gabriel Garcia Mrarquez fan?…

    • http://lostwomanchild.blogspot.com/ blackberry molasses

      @ofloveandotherdemons,

      Welcome!!!

      **Diva Dust v. 2.0 ™**

      I cannot reverse Champ banning you, but I can spread sparkly goodness and hope for the best

      • ofloveandotherdemons

        @blackberry molasses,
        Thanks luv. I’m sure he’ll come to his sense. If not I’ll just assume another identity, creep into the site when his not around, and still any left overs he has in the fridge. You know, what people do in the real world.

      • ofloveandotherdemons

        @blackberry molasses,
        Thanks luv. I’m sure he’ll come to his sense. If not I’ll just assume another identity, creep into the site when his not around, and still any left overs he has in the fridge. You know, what people do in the real world.

      • SouthernGirl

        @blackberry molasses, lmao

        @ofloveandotherdemons,

        im’ma go ahead and throw some *shooting gold stars* into bbmo’s diva dust v 2.0 ™ and hope that gives you a fighting chance. lol

        welcome!!!

      • SouthernGirl

        @blackberry molasses, lmao

        @ofloveandotherdemons,

        im’ma go ahead and throw some *shooting gold stars* into bbmo’s diva dust v 2.0 ™ and hope that gives you a fighting chance. lol

        welcome!!!

    • http://lostwomanchild.blogspot.com/ blackberry molasses

      @ofloveandotherdemons,

      Welcome!!!

      **Diva Dust v. 2.0 ™**

      I cannot reverse Champ banning you, but I can spread sparkly goodness and hope for the best

    • http://freetherapyorelse.blogspot.com Specialized Sula

      @ofloveandotherdemons,

      You are hilarious! :D But those are great litmus tests and mine are eerily along those lines.

      I am also part of the ones that have never watched The Wire…. but I’ve heard nice things. :D

    • http://freetherapyorelse.blogspot.com Specialized Sula

      @ofloveandotherdemons,

      You are hilarious! :D But those are great litmus tests and mine are eerily along those lines.

      I am also part of the ones that have never watched The Wire…. but I’ve heard nice things. :D

    • http://missjaffre.blogspot.com missjess

      @ofloveandotherdemons,
      i’m completely with you on the music thing. if you don’t like good music then we won’t work out. especially since one of my hobbies is going to concerts and such…if i can’t go w/you, im finding another date…we just cant be together.

    • http://missjaffre.blogspot.com missjess

      @ofloveandotherdemons,
      i’m completely with you on the music thing. if you don’t like good music then we won’t work out. especially since one of my hobbies is going to concerts and such…if i can’t go w/you, im finding another date…we just cant be together.

  • ofloveandotherdemons

    I usually see whether the guy is a possible dowry candidate by ascertaining whether he is willing to put up with the things that I truly, madly and deeply love. He doesn’t have to like them, but if we are going to work he needs to be able to tolerate them.
    Case in point, I loooveee music. Love it so much that with the exception of the 8hours I spend at work I always have something playing. 85% of the time, the music I have on can be described as folksy/acoustic/granola-tree hugging-esque. Now if the very thought of having your eardrums accosted by Andrew Bird/Revival/Iron and Wine/ insert appropriate melachonly inducing-slit your wrists-acoustic band for even 30minutes makes you want to shank yourself with a rusty nail, then there is a slight chance we won’t work out.
    I’m also deathly allergic to xenophobia. If you automatically mistrust everything that doesn’t fall under your parameters of ‘normal’, and are not willing to give it/them a chance then….BOOOOOO YOU. Yep, and no banana pancakes either. Does being against xenophobia actually make you xenophobic?
    Sadly I have never watched The Wire. I know it’s telling of my charachter and probably means that I should take my DNA out the gene pool , but there it is. I don’t even have a good excuse for it. I always hoped we’d work out.

    (Sorry for the thesis length post; killer insomnia. )

  • http://jdiva.wordpress.com chaoticdiva

    I’m back!!! Miss me?

    Anyways…litmus tests….I have several.

    1. Do you watch True Blood/30 Rock/ Weeds?

    Yes, then we’re cool. No, then we’re not. Never seen it, then I get them hooked on the shows. Ask my last two dates, they’ll tell you.

    2. Do you own pets?

    I have a cat. I want a dog. If he doesn’t like animals and hes’ on PETA’S most wanted list for animal cruelty, best believe I’m outta there.

    3. We’re you ever arrested?

    Depending on the answer determines if I run. And if you lie, I will find out.

    4. Tell me something about yourself that nobody knows.

    Depending on the answer determines if I run.

    5. Are you a Michigan fan.

    If yes, than its an automatic FAIL. Green and White all day baby!!!

    6. Do you like the Patriots?

    Nobody has been an exception to this one yet. And he better be damn near perfect for me to let that slide.

    (by the way, bonus points to the guy who is a Spartan and a Steelers fan. Me love you long time…lol)

    7. Do you drink?

    Usually an indication of someone’s level of introversion. Typically the more they drink [socially], the more they like to party. This is also a large determining factor of if he’s datable or not.

    • http://myspace.com/shatani shatani

      @chaoticdiva,

      wait, what response are you looking for on the Patriots test? lol

      • http://jdiva.wordpress.com chaoticdiva

        @shatani,

        If yes for Patriots, then he’s gone, and I may even shoot him on his way out.

        No, then we’re good, until he mentions the Jets, the Giants or the Seahawks….

        • http://cornellwestside.blogspot.com/ Cornell Westside

          @chaoticdiva,

          booooooooooooo @ your Patriots hating. I love the Patriots. Of course I got on the bandwagon while living in Boston before their perfect season.

          I always liked how Tom Brady ran his offense like a good single Black mother ran a household. Might not have all the ideal ingredients, but can make it look damn good.

          How can you not like that? One yaself!

          • http://lostwomanchild.blogspot.com/ blackberry molasses

            @Cornell Westside,

            booo on your love of those cheating a-holes… but then again, your home team wears long blond braids and look like Hulk Hogan dopplegangers with their eclectic facial hair…. **snicker**

            I suppose you are excused.

          • http://lostwomanchild.blogspot.com/ blackberry molasses

            @Cornell Westside,

            booo on your love of those cheating a-holes… but then again, your home team wears long blond braids and look like Hulk Hogan dopplegangers with their eclectic facial hair…. **snicker**

            I suppose you are excused.

          • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

            @Cornell Westside,

            I always liked how Tom Brady ran his offense like a good single Black mother ran a household. Might not have all the ideal ingredients, but can make it look damn good.

            in this analogy, who would belichek be? since he looks and carries himself like a homeless man, maybe hes one of the soul-less hemophiliac viking pedophiles i mentioned earlier

          • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

            @Cornell Westside,

            I always liked how Tom Brady ran his offense like a good single Black mother ran a household. Might not have all the ideal ingredients, but can make it look damn good.

            in this analogy, who would belichek be? since he looks and carries himself like a homeless man, maybe hes one of the soul-less hemophiliac viking pedophiles i mentioned earlier

        • http://cornellwestside.blogspot.com/ Cornell Westside

          @chaoticdiva,

          booooooooooooo @ your Patriots hating. I love the Patriots. Of course I got on the bandwagon while living in Boston before their perfect season.

          I always liked how Tom Brady ran his offense like a good single Black mother ran a household. Might not have all the ideal ingredients, but can make it look damn good.

          How can you not like that? One yaself!

      • http://jdiva.wordpress.com chaoticdiva

        @shatani,

        If yes for Patriots, then he’s gone, and I may even shoot him on his way out.

        No, then we’re good, until he mentions the Jets, the Giants or the Seahawks….

    • http://myspace.com/shatani shatani

      @chaoticdiva,

      wait, what response are you looking for on the Patriots test? lol

    • Leila

      @chaoticdiva, 5. “Are you a Michigan fan.
      If yes, than its an automatic FAIL.!!!”

      haha. Replace Michigan with Duke and that’s how I feel…

      • osyeP

        @Leila, replace michigan with princeton and we’re in the same boat

      • osyeP

        @Leila, replace michigan with princeton and we’re in the same boat

    • Leila

      @chaoticdiva, 5. “Are you a Michigan fan.
      If yes, than its an automatic FAIL.!!!”

      haha. Replace Michigan with Duke and that’s how I feel…

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      @chaoticdiva,

      I’m back!!! Miss me?

      no.

      lol…seriously though, i’m gonna need you to expound on this:

      “7. Do you drink?

      Usually an indication of someone’s level of introversion. Typically the more they drink [socially], the more they like to party. This is also a large determining factor of if he’s datable or not.”

      you didnt really make you dating feelings about drinking clear

      • http://www.awesomelyluvvie.com Luvvie

        @The Champ,

        LMAO @ no. Ol’ jerk face humpty

      • http://www.awesomelyluvvie.com Luvvie

        @The Champ,

        LMAO @ no. Ol’ jerk face humpty

      • http://jdiva.wordpress.com chaoticdiva

        @The Champ,

        Pretty much what SxyScientst said. People that don’t drink often are judgemental a-holes that always try to stop my drinking. If they aren’t, they tend to be people that can’t hold their liquor.

        I like to drink. Heavily. I can drink plenty under the table for my size. And nothing pisses me off more than a guy who’s like “you drink too much. Date me, and I can help you with your drinking problem.” Who says I have a problem? I don’t drink alone and I don’t drink daily. I don’t go to meetings, so don’t pass judgement.

        [/vent]

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

          @chaoticdiva,

          Who says I have a problem? I don’t drink alone and I don’t drink daily. I don’t go to meetings, so don’t pass judgement.

          the lady doth protest too much

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

          @chaoticdiva,

          Who says I have a problem? I don’t drink alone and I don’t drink daily. I don’t go to meetings, so don’t pass judgement.

          the lady doth protest too much

      • http://jdiva.wordpress.com chaoticdiva

        @The Champ,

        Pretty much what SxyScientst said. People that don’t drink often are judgemental a-holes that always try to stop my drinking. If they aren’t, they tend to be people that can’t hold their liquor.

        I like to drink. Heavily. I can drink plenty under the table for my size. And nothing pisses me off more than a guy who’s like “you drink too much. Date me, and I can help you with your drinking problem.” Who says I have a problem? I don’t drink alone and I don’t drink daily. I don’t go to meetings, so don’t pass judgement.

        [/vent]

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      @chaoticdiva,

      I’m back!!! Miss me?

      no.

      lol…seriously though, i’m gonna need you to expound on this:

      “7. Do you drink?

      Usually an indication of someone’s level of introversion. Typically the more they drink [socially], the more they like to party. This is also a large determining factor of if he’s datable or not.”

      you didnt really make you dating feelings about drinking clear

    • SxyScientst

      @chaoticdiva,

      your number 7 is right on the money. I take it a step further because I generally wont hang out with you if you don’t drink at all. Now if you’re a recovering alcoholic I can understand. but those ppl who have never had a drink voluntarily are a$$holes…

      • http://freetherapyorelse.blogspot.com Specialized Sula

        @SxyScientst,

        those ppl who have never had a drink voluntarily are a$$holes

        Agreed.

        Besides how do you know yourself if you’ve never been drunk? :D

      • http://freetherapyorelse.blogspot.com Specialized Sula

        @SxyScientst,

        those ppl who have never had a drink voluntarily are a$$holes

        Agreed.

        Besides how do you know yourself if you’ve never been drunk? :D

    • SxyScientst

      @chaoticdiva,

      your number 7 is right on the money. I take it a step further because I generally wont hang out with you if you don’t drink at all. Now if you’re a recovering alcoholic I can understand. but those ppl who have never had a drink voluntarily are a$$holes…

  • http://jdiva.wordpress.com chaoticdiva

    I’m back!!! Miss me?

    Anyways…litmus tests….I have several.

    1. Do you watch True Blood/30 Rock/ Weeds?

    Yes, then we’re cool. No, then we’re not. Never seen it, then I get them hooked on the shows. Ask my last two dates, they’ll tell you.

    2. Do you own pets?

    I have a cat. I want a dog. If he doesn’t like animals and hes’ on PETA’S most wanted list for animal cruelty, best believe I’m outta there.

    3. We’re you ever arrested?

    Depending on the answer determines if I run. And if you lie, I will find out.

    4. Tell me something about yourself that nobody knows.

    Depending on the answer determines if I run.

    5. Are you a Michigan fan.

    If yes, than its an automatic FAIL. Green and White all day baby!!!

    6. Do you like the Patriots?

    Nobody has been an exception to this one yet. And he better be damn near perfect for me to let that slide.

    (by the way, bonus points to the guy who is a Spartan and a Steelers fan. Me love you long time…lol)

    7. Do you drink?

    Usually an indication of someone’s level of introversion. Typically the more they drink [socially], the more they like to party. This is also a large determining factor of if he’s datable or not.

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