Lists, Pop Culture, Theory & Essay, Uncategorized

hot for teacher: the relationship litmus test

 

its an inevitability.

a forgone conclusion.

an inflexible and inescapable eventuality.

it all starts the same way. champ enters room. champ announces his presence, usually by either giving a head nod to noone in particular or verbally stating “the champ is here” in a forcefully hushed tone. outrageously attractive woman approaches champ. champ and outrageously attractive woman immediately leave room and have wild shitake monkey sex. champ and woman speak. woman is impressed with champ’s diction and banter. champ is impressed with woman’s diction and banter, but more impressed with her ass.

eventually, the champ and this woman will go on 2-4 extremely irrelevant dates, filled with aggressively nonchalant flirting, subtle promises of breakfast making, and extremely irrelevant questions, sans for one…the champs most tried and true relationship litmus test

“do you like “the wire”?”

although seemingly innocuous, this simple five word question tells me everything i need to know about the potential somewhat significant other. “how, omnipotent champ?” you ask? its all about the answers.

lemme walk you through it

1. “no. it sucks”

there’s two types of people in this world: people who love the wire, and soul-less hemophiliac viking pedophiles. there’s no inbetween. if you don’t like the wire, than you’re a soul-less hemophiliac viking pedophile. since the champ doesn’t date soul-less hemophiliac viking pedophiles unless they look like post-”in the house”/pre-crack maia campbell, this answer lets me know there’s no future between us. also, usually at this point i offer to go dutch.

2. “no. i can’t watch it because it reminds me too much of home”

run!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i dont want to hear how. i don’t look back. i don’t ask for the check. i just run.

3. “hmmm. the wire? never heard of it”

obviously, this means that this person is living in a pop culture vacuum. although her pop cultural ignorance shows that we wouldn’t be compatible, women living in pop culture vacuums tend to be freaks (ie: palin, sarah) so you can find an eventual use for her if you’re creative.

4. “i actually haven’t seen it, but i’ve heard good things about it.”

5. “yes!!!”

the only completely acceptable answers. if she follows up with “in fact, i just bought the complete dvd set”, i might even make her some buttermilk waffles.

whether conscious or subconscious, blatant or subtle, intentional or accidental, we all have relationship litmus tests we put prospective prospects through. unambiguous measuring sticks, these or our standardized ways of weeding through the mucky modern-day relationship morass.

***along with the wire query, i also give potentials the stair test. to expound, i live on the top floor of my building. if a walk up to my apartment makes you sound like an emphasemic darth vader, maybe its time to head back to training camp***

so, people of vsb…what are your relationship litmus tests?

—the champ

Filed Under: ,
Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a contributing editor for EBONY.com. He resides in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes.

  • http://theyounganddisenchanted.wordpress.com/ puff

    i hate that i read this site so much that one of my relationship litmus test is also “do you watch the wire?” I literally die inside every time a dude does the whole, “Oh yeah, I tried to watch it but I didn’t really understand it.” I don’t think I’d be able to forgive even Idris Elba for doing that. Not that Idris Elba would, but you know what I mean.

    Other questions:

    1. Do you watch 24? (Desired response: “Jack Bauer = GOD”)

    2. Would you have anal chex? (Desired response = *disgusted face*)

    3. I’m from Africa (Undesired response: any reference whatsoever to safaris, the Lion King, loose-tittay-having “tribeswomen,” AIDS, Darfur, jungles, apes, whether there are really pygmies roaming wild through the streets with no appropriate midget-protection police force in action – in short, if it’s not about Nigeria specifically e.g. “Oh, I know a little bit about Lagos”, please just shut the freak up or politely ask me to elaborate).

    4. This isn’t a question, but any guy who’s ready to call me his girlfriend after one date (or, more often, one session dans le sack) also fails the relationship litmus test. We need to get to know each other a little better first – if you move too fast for me, it’s not going to work. Period.

    • ofloveandotherdemons

      @puff,

      3. I don’t get alot of these responses. What I do get however is “Oh, yeah my *insert appropriate relative* is a missionary/ went on a mission trip/ funded a mission trip/ dreamt he was on a mission trip to Africa (yeah, it’s still never a specific country). This usually induces two automatic responses: 1. Shit, how much saving do we really need? 2. Oh God, please don’t let the follow up statement be along the lines ” Yeah, those poor children were so sad/ The people were so welcoming, they had so little but were so happy to share/ I just love how happy and warm everyone is.’ I don’t know why but any of the statements or combinations of or similar variations makes me want to impale the person that uttered them with the nearest plastic object.
      Call me ungodly, but if I could I would ban all missionaries from setting foot into that continent and/or telling me their warm, fuzzy ‘there so poor but happy spiel’.
      Ooooh, I also get the ‘ Yeah, I’m going to Africa in *insert appropriate time frame* followed by a very pregnant pause. I never know what to say. I usually nod, smile and say “Good for you. I’m sure you’ll love it.”

      • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=73903598 Dom

        @ofloveandotherdemons,

        So basically after you announce you’re from Africa the other person should just sit there and smile? No further dialogue needed?

        • YGB

          @Dom,
          one could ask which country – just a thought…

          • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=73903598 Dom

            @YGB,

            I guess that works.

        • ofloveandotherdemons

          @Dom,
          No, I’m perfectly happy to discuss anything about my country as long it doesn’t involve missions,orphanages or impending travel plans. Yes, I’m aware it’s illogical but mention of mission trips stories or trips gives me hives. In the case of the former I always feel like the person telling me this expects me to congratulate them or thank them for helping our poor, and the later wants travel points on an entire continent. Logic and emotion never seem to be in sync with me.
          Seriously though, Africa as a continent is the most christian(ized) place in the planet, do we really still need all those missionaries? 75% of the population already knows and loves BBJ, shouldn’t Christiandom start rerouting all those resources to Asia or somesuch? I alse read The River Between growing up, about colonial era missionaries, and me and them have been a no-go since then.

          • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

            @ofloveandotherdemons,

            i’m going to officially un-ban you. although i dont agree with you, i appreciate your perspective and sh*t

          • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=73903598 Dom

            @ofloveandotherdemons,

            Dont get me wrong, I agree that the missionary work is some BS. Esp. in 2009. But it seems the travel thing is taking it a bit too far. Seems like people are just looking for a way to connect with you and keep the convo going. I dont think the later is meant to be ofensive at all.

      • http://freetherapyorelse.blogspot.com Specialized Sula

        @ofloveandotherdemons,

        I do feel this entire comment so much, I have no words.

        :)

    • http://jdiva.wordpress.com chaoticdiva

      @puff,

      Um, why is the current guy I’m dating acting like your #4? I think we’ve had this discussion already though…

      …AND he’s getting worse…again.

      • http://theyounganddisenchanted.wordpress.com/ puff

        @chaoticdiva,

        i tell you girl, take two and walk it out withOUT this dude… these are the ones who end up stalkers/pains in the ar$e. can’t stand no clingy nucca…

    • http://myspace.com/shatani shatani

      @puff,

      “3. I’m from Africa (Undesired response: any reference whatsoever to safaris, the Lion King, loose-tittay-having “tribeswomen,” AIDS, Darfur, jungles, apes, whether there are really pygmies roaming wild through the streets with no appropriate midget-protection police force in action – in short, if it’s not about Nigeria specifically e.g. “Oh, I know a little bit about Lagos”, please just shut the freak up or politely ask me to elaborate).”

      LMAO! i havent had any of those responses, but sweet jebus that is hilarious!

    • YGB

      @puff,
      “3. I’m from Africa (Undesired response: any reference whatsoever to safaris, the Lion King, loose-tittay-having “tribeswomen,” AIDS, Darfur, jungles, apes, whether there are really pygmies roaming wild through the streets with no appropriate midget-protection police force in action – in short, if it’s not about Nigeria specifically e.g. “Oh, I know a little bit about Lagos”, please just shut the freak up or politely ask me to elaborate).”

      Please do not get me started! This REALLY REALLY grates my tits!
      Like this one ignoramus who asked me if it’s true that lions run around the street and sh*t! Response: depends on what u’ve been smoking!
      To people who have asked/planning to ask this question: do you realize that lions actually eat people?

      • http://myspace.com/shatani shatani

        @YGB,

        grates your tits?!?! ouch! first ive heard that one! lol

        • YGB

          @shatani,

          That question causes me so much pain u hav no idea!

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

        @YGB,

        is tit grating an african thing?

        • superwoman

          @The Champ, stop it.

          just.stop.it.

        • YGB

          @The Champ,

          LOL! Fukken STOP!

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      @puff,

      i hate that i read this site so much that one of my relationship litmus test is also “do you watch the wire?”

      wait. did vsb directly influence your wire litmus test? if so, this might be the most important thing ive ever done this week

      • http://theyounganddisenchanted.wordpress.com/ puff

        @The Champ,

        lol, actually it did – it verified for me that the wire is indeed the greatest show of all time, ever. and if vsb thinks so, then any man i’m dating must too.

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

          @puff,

          this makes me proud and sh*t

    • http://www.museacdonline.com pgh muse

      @puff,

      # 4 is real shyt. Moving to fast is sinful… and it the reason for global warming, test tube babies, cloning chickens, the erosion of the polar ice caps, al queda, the war in palestine, lol…. and a host of other evils.

    • superwoman

      @puff, it’s HAAARD being an african woman, for reasons people don’t even know!

      i remember i was in jamaica once on holiday, with two friends – one from zimbabwe, and another from kenya – and we stopped telling the locals (specifically the men) where we were from (and faked bad, bad american accents) because on hearing i was south african, they would always, always, ALWAYS ask me to sing miriam makeba’s click song!!! while asking for our numbers!!

      another horrid response was them breaking down our geneaology (both my friends were half white – i am not, but apparently, light skinned enough that i must’ve been 1/4 white) – so men would be like ‘you girls african??? noo, noo waaaaaay too light skinned’… (this is supposed to be a compliment mind you)…. what you mixed with??”

      this is how NOT to get the girls number…

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

        @superwoman,

        “…they would always, always, ALWAYS ask me to sing miriam makeba’s click song!!”

        i forgot to list this. during the first phone convo i always ask the chick to sing this song, just to test her pipes. damn, who knew that this was a transcendent test??

        • http://lostwomanchild.blogspot.com/ blackberry molasses

          @The Champ,

          SHUT.IT.

    • Nikiloveli

      @puff,

      How is it that you can make enough of a connection to have dude dancing all up in the vajiggles, but not enough of one for exclusivity to not be considered “moving too fast”?

      • http://theyounganddisenchanted.wordpress.com/ puff

        @Nikiloveli,

        for me, chex is one part of checking that we’re mutually compatible, not a special prize at the end of everything. i gotta test run the goods before i commit, both physical and otherwise.

        • nikiloveli

          @puff,

          Understood.

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

          @puff,

          chex is one part of checking that we’re mutually compatible

          so you base your sexual compatibility judgment on first time sex, which is traditionally usually the worst sex you have with somebody?

          • Nikiloveli

            @The Champ,

            1st time chex is like the first pancake. It’s only purpose is to properly calibrate the timing, temperature, and lubrication necessary to achieve success on subsequent attempts.

            • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

              @Nikiloveli,

              if your analogy was a sneaker, it would be the iversons from 1998 (the most comfortable basketball shoe ever)

        • http://www.myspace.com/chicanextdoor miss patterson

          @puff, this is true. i guess i disagree with everyone on this issue. i think first time chex can determine a lot. it doesn’t have to be a home run, but if the basics (like paying attention and at least trying to get me off) are not included then i probably don’t want to have a second time with you.

    • overit

      @puff, 3 for me brings unwarannted mentions of how much they loved ‘Black Hawk Down’. At which point I pull out the lil flask in my bag, pour out some sh*t, and calmly walk (not run) to the nearest exit.

      • overit

        @overit, *unwarranted. dang keyboard.

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

        @overit,

        black hawk down was easily one of the most disturbing movies i’ve ever seen, right up there with “mystic river” and “glitter”

        • http://lostwomanchild.blogspot.com/ blackberry molasses

          @The Champ,

          I damn near had italian dark roast all over my monitor when i read this…. warn people next time, will ya?

        • http://www.awesomelyluvvie.com Luvvie

          @The Champ,

          You saw Glitter??? I can’t look at u the same way.

          • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

            @Luvvie,

            You saw Glitter??? I can’t look at u the same way.

            so you cant look at me with lustful eyes anymore?

            • http://www.awesomelyluvvie.com Luvvie

              @The Champ,

              If by “lustful”, you mean “Slight disdain” then yes. They have been replaced with full-fledged lethal side-eyes

  • http://www.myspace.com/chicanextdoor Miss Patterson

    it’s hard for me to narrow it down to one, but if i had to it would be the mother-son relationship. it may sound like cliche psycho-babble but it really does say a lot. we can’t choose our parents, so i don’t fault someone for having a distant relationship with someone who isn’t an ideal parent. but it’s more about how they deal with that distance and how it manifests in their day to day relationships with women.

    speaking of the wire, you just reminded me that one of my neighbors has been holding on to my season one box set for entirely too long. start the riots.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      @Miss Patterson,

      speaking of the wire, you just reminded me that one of my neighbors has been holding on to my season one box set for entirely too long.

      how many box sets do you own and sh*t?

      • http://www.myspace.com/chicanextdoor Miss Patterson

        @The Champ, four (seasons 1 thru 4)

  • apres moi

    hey what happens to the people in category number 4? that may or may not be me…

    • apres moi

      oooh never mind, i just re-read.
      good post though, i’ll be back in the morning with something substantial to add

      • Nikiloveli

        @apres moi,

        Liar.

  • ofloveandotherdemons

    I usually see whether the guy is a possible dowry candidate by ascertaining whether he is willing to put up with the things that I truly, madly and deeply love. He doesn’t have to like them, but if we are going to work he needs to be able to tolerate them.
    Case in point, I loooveee music. Love it so much that with the exception of the 8hours I spend at work I always have something playing. 85% of the time, the music I have on can be described as folksy/acoustic/granola-tree hugging-esque. Now if the very thought of having your eardrums accosted by Andrew Bird/Revival/Iron and Wine/ insert appropriate melachonly inducing-slit your wrists-acoustic band for even 30minutes makes you want to shank yourself with a rusty nail, then there is a slight chance we won’t work out.
    I’m also deathly allergic to xenophobia. If you automatically mistrust everything that doesn’t fall under your parameters of ‘normal’, and are not willing to give it/them a chance then….BOOOOOO YOU. Yep, and no banana pancakes either. Does being against xenophobia actually make you xenophobic?
    Sadly I have never watched The Wire. I know it’s telling of my charachter and probably means that I should take my DNA out the gene pool , but there it is. I don’t even have a good excuse for it. I always hoped we’d work out.

    (Sorry for the thesis length post; killer insomnia. )

    • http://jdiva.wordpress.com chaoticdiva

      @ofloveandotherdemons,

      I’ve seen one episode. That probably makes me a poser.

      • ofloveandotherdemons

        @chaoticdiva,
        Nothing wrong with being a poser. I think ‘poserdom’ is one of the most under rated social phenomenon of the 21st century. Plus, if there were no posers 78.3% of the great State of California would be unoccupied.
        I think my problem is that the show has been so hyped that not watching it is my ridicolous rebellion. An eff you to the world if you may.

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

          @ofloveandotherdemons,

          I think my problem is that the show has been so hyped that not watching it is my ridicolous rebellion. An eff you to the world if you may.

          although you’re still banned, i can understand that sentiment. this is why i refused to watch the color purple until last year. i got so tired of people telling me to watch it that i intentionally avoided it in pointless spite.

          • http://www.myspace.com/chicanextdoor miss patterson

            @The Champ, i thought every black child’s parents MADE them see this movie. my mom made me watch it in 4th grade, (i hated danny glover for a long time) and then we had to watch it in 6th grade english class too (this was at a predominately white school, mind you).

            • Toussaintthefree

              @miss patterson,
              No, the movie every black child was made to see when I was growing up was ROOTS. I cried like a baby when Kunta said his name was “Toby”… those bastards!

              • Nikiloveli

                @Toussaintthefree,

                They made us watch “Mississippi Burning” in HS. ON MLK day, no less!

              • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

                @Toussaintthefree,

                welcome and sh@t

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      @ofloveandotherdemons,

      wow. congrats on being the first visitor to be welcomed…

      “Sadly I have never watched The Wire.”

      …and banned simultaneously. good sh*t

      • ofloveandotherdemons

        @The Champ,
        What ????? Noooooooo. Can we at least put me under a probation period?? Pretty please. I’m sure I have other traits that make up for this one charachter flaw. Sure me not watching the Wire is pretty damning, but I make killer pancakes, don’t kick baby kitten of skin baby seals……huh. Don’t those count for something. Grown seals are fair game; they should know how to stand up for themselves by then

      • ofloveandotherdemons

        @The Champ,
        What….NOOOO!!!!!! So does that mean the white fence, 2.5 kids, pug and 3 chocolate, red headed children are out of the question as well?
        Come on, reconsider? I’m sure I have other traits that out way this one thing. Sure it’s pretty damning that I haven’t watched the thing, but I don’t kick baby kitten or skin young seals (the older ones are fair game). No……really, still banned?

        • ofloveandotherdemons

          @ofloveandotherdemons,

          *3 chocolate, red headed grand children*

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

          @ofloveandotherdemons,

          just as i was about to un-ban you for the pancake comment, you responding to your own comment (twice!) is enough cause for the ban to stay.

          as you can see, though, i do take bribes. a little breakfast food will take you a long way

          • ofloveandotherdemons

            @The Champ,
            Sorry, fuging technology. It said my first one didn’t go through. Mea culpa!!!! I’ll throw in some tofu scramble to sweeten the deal. Pretty please, unban me.

            • http://lostwomanchild.blogspot.com/ blackberry molasses

              @ofloveandotherdemons,

              knowing the Champ… tofu scramble MIGHT get you something worse than banned.

            • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

              @ofloveandotherdemons,

              “I’ll throw in some tofu scramble to sweeten the deal”

              is this a board game?

              • ofloveandotherdemons

                @The Champ,
                Lol, child JUST. NO. I take it you are not a tofu lover. Coool,cool.I can pass by Denny’s and grab you a Grand Slam.

    • http://www.myspace.com/tiara215 Tasty Kake215

      @ofloveandotherdemons, Gabriel Garcia Mrarquez fan?…

      • ofloveandotherdemons

        @Tasty Kake215,
        Yep, he is one of my imaginary baby daddies. I’ve read everything he has written, except his biography. I’m afraid to read it incase it shatters the image of him that I’ve build in my head

    • http://lostwomanchild.blogspot.com/ blackberry molasses

      @ofloveandotherdemons,

      Welcome!!!

      **Diva Dust v. 2.0 ™**

      I cannot reverse Champ banning you, but I can spread sparkly goodness and hope for the best

      • ofloveandotherdemons

        @blackberry molasses,
        Thanks luv. I’m sure he’ll come to his sense. If not I’ll just assume another identity, creep into the site when his not around, and still any left overs he has in the fridge. You know, what people do in the real world.

      • SouthernGirl

        @blackberry molasses, lmao

        @ofloveandotherdemons,

        im’ma go ahead and throw some *shooting gold stars* into bbmo’s diva dust v 2.0 ™ and hope that gives you a fighting chance. lol

        welcome!!!

    • http://freetherapyorelse.blogspot.com Specialized Sula

      @ofloveandotherdemons,

      You are hilarious! :D But those are great litmus tests and mine are eerily along those lines.

      I am also part of the ones that have never watched The Wire…. but I’ve heard nice things. :D

    • http://missjaffre.blogspot.com missjess

      @ofloveandotherdemons,
      i’m completely with you on the music thing. if you don’t like good music then we won’t work out. especially since one of my hobbies is going to concerts and such…if i can’t go w/you, im finding another date…we just cant be together.

  • http://jdiva.wordpress.com chaoticdiva

    I’m back!!! Miss me?

    Anyways…litmus tests….I have several.

    1. Do you watch True Blood/30 Rock/ Weeds?

    Yes, then we’re cool. No, then we’re not. Never seen it, then I get them hooked on the shows. Ask my last two dates, they’ll tell you.

    2. Do you own pets?

    I have a cat. I want a dog. If he doesn’t like animals and hes’ on PETA’S most wanted list for animal cruelty, best believe I’m outta there.

    3. We’re you ever arrested?

    Depending on the answer determines if I run. And if you lie, I will find out.

    4. Tell me something about yourself that nobody knows.

    Depending on the answer determines if I run.

    5. Are you a Michigan fan.

    If yes, than its an automatic FAIL. Green and White all day baby!!!

    6. Do you like the Patriots?

    Nobody has been an exception to this one yet. And he better be damn near perfect for me to let that slide.

    (by the way, bonus points to the guy who is a Spartan and a Steelers fan. Me love you long time…lol)

    7. Do you drink?

    Usually an indication of someone’s level of introversion. Typically the more they drink [socially], the more they like to party. This is also a large determining factor of if he’s datable or not.

    • http://myspace.com/shatani shatani

      @chaoticdiva,

      wait, what response are you looking for on the Patriots test? lol

      • http://jdiva.wordpress.com chaoticdiva

        @shatani,

        If yes for Patriots, then he’s gone, and I may even shoot him on his way out.

        No, then we’re good, until he mentions the Jets, the Giants or the Seahawks….

        • http://cornellwestside.blogspot.com/ Cornell Westside

          @chaoticdiva,

          booooooooooooo @ your Patriots hating. I love the Patriots. Of course I got on the bandwagon while living in Boston before their perfect season.

          I always liked how Tom Brady ran his offense like a good single Black mother ran a household. Might not have all the ideal ingredients, but can make it look damn good.

          How can you not like that? One yaself!

          • http://lostwomanchild.blogspot.com/ blackberry molasses

            @Cornell Westside,

            booo on your love of those cheating a-holes… but then again, your home team wears long blond braids and look like Hulk Hogan dopplegangers with their eclectic facial hair…. **snicker**

            I suppose you are excused.

          • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

            @Cornell Westside,

            I always liked how Tom Brady ran his offense like a good single Black mother ran a household. Might not have all the ideal ingredients, but can make it look damn good.

            in this analogy, who would belichek be? since he looks and carries himself like a homeless man, maybe hes one of the soul-less hemophiliac viking pedophiles i mentioned earlier

    • Leila

      @chaoticdiva, 5. “Are you a Michigan fan.
      If yes, than its an automatic FAIL.!!!”

      haha. Replace Michigan with Duke and that’s how I feel…

      • osyeP

        @Leila, replace michigan with princeton and we’re in the same boat

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      @chaoticdiva,

      I’m back!!! Miss me?

      no.

      lol…seriously though, i’m gonna need you to expound on this:

      “7. Do you drink?

      Usually an indication of someone’s level of introversion. Typically the more they drink [socially], the more they like to party. This is also a large determining factor of if he’s datable or not.”

      you didnt really make you dating feelings about drinking clear

      • http://www.awesomelyluvvie.com Luvvie

        @The Champ,

        LMAO @ no. Ol’ jerk face humpty

      • http://jdiva.wordpress.com chaoticdiva

        @The Champ,

        Pretty much what SxyScientst said. People that don’t drink often are judgemental a-holes that always try to stop my drinking. If they aren’t, they tend to be people that can’t hold their liquor.

        I like to drink. Heavily. I can drink plenty under the table for my size. And nothing pisses me off more than a guy who’s like “you drink too much. Date me, and I can help you with your drinking problem.” Who says I have a problem? I don’t drink alone and I don’t drink daily. I don’t go to meetings, so don’t pass judgement.

        [/vent]

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

          @chaoticdiva,

          Who says I have a problem? I don’t drink alone and I don’t drink daily. I don’t go to meetings, so don’t pass judgement.

          the lady doth protest too much

    • SxyScientst

      @chaoticdiva,

      your number 7 is right on the money. I take it a step further because I generally wont hang out with you if you don’t drink at all. Now if you’re a recovering alcoholic I can understand. but those ppl who have never had a drink voluntarily are a$$holes…

      • http://freetherapyorelse.blogspot.com Specialized Sula

        @SxyScientst,

        those ppl who have never had a drink voluntarily are a$$holes

        Agreed.

        Besides how do you know yourself if you’ve never been drunk? :D

  • Rihanna

    Litmus Test
    1.Do you beat on women?

    • http://myspace.com/shatani shatani

      @Rihanna,

      LMAO!!!

      better test….do you pass out herpes like christmas cards?

      • Rihanna

        @shatani,

        you know some women will believe anything if it allows them to give a man the benefit of doubt, but when it comes to giving a woman the benefit of doubt, they’ll need more info/sources, or better yet- she deserved what she got.

        Some message boards I’ve been to since, you should hear how some of the Chris Brown fans (ESPECIALLY THE FEMALES) are talking about Rihanna! Like she deserved it! With this new “herpes” story in the mix, painting him as a man scorned/betrayed/etc…it just justifies the action even more…

        • http://myspace.com/shatani shatani

          @Rihanna,

          oh lordy…guess we got one that cant take a joke here….

    • http://jdiva.wordpress.com chaoticdiva

      @Rihanna,

      I love whoever did that one. You are my favorite.

    • http://theyounganddisenchanted.wordpress.com/ puff

      @Rihanna,

      *D*E*A*D*

      sidenote – their respective publicists must wetting themselves right now.

      • Rita

        @puff,

        whoever Rihanna’s publicist is semi-sucks at their job.
        why would you say the girl was in a “traffic mishap” …..when her boyfriend is being accused of beating a women in a car,on the same night,after they were seen together.and then run it in the same story.
        whatever,she was in a “mishap”alright,but it wasn’t one involving red lights and emergency brakes.

        all that glitters ain’t gold.

    • ofloveandotherdemons

      @Rihanna,
      I may just have to start asking random dudes this just for the reaction.
      Lol.

    • http://presidentialtelevisionandfilm.ning.com Monk

      @Rihanna,

      Is this THE Rhianna? Just asking…

      • RedBeanzNRice

        @Monk,
        It’s actually Janet Jackson incognito.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      @Rihanna,

      welcome and sh*t.

    • osyeP

      @Rihanna, why did u give C brown the herp?

      • http://www.museacdonline.com pgh muse

        @osyeP,

        OMG! i choked on this. I swear.

    • http://www.awesomelyluvvie.com Luvvie

      @Rihanna,

      Aw RiRi. Is it true that CBreezie ponned that fo’head?? Sadness

      • Nikiloveli

        @Luvvie,

        I just almost inhaled a Dum-Dum, and it’s all your fault. You owe my esophagus an apology.
        Ponned that fo’head?!!!

        • http://www.awesomelyluvvie.com Luvvie

          @Nikiloveli,

          Dum Dums are delicious! Well, certain flavors. Anyway…

          *Sigh*

          Dear Niki’s Throatspace,

          I’s sorry for testing your gag reflex by making you swallow a dum dum whole. You BOO will thank me.

          Sinsurrly,

          Luvvie

      • 8th Wonder

        Man, sit yo ass down.

        • http://www.awesomelyluvvie.com Luvvie

          @8th Wonder,

          LOL is this the reason for our fight?? Huh? You know you love me still!! Don’t leave meeeee *grabs on to Aif’s ankles*

  • http://myspace.com/shatani shatani

    dang, i cant get NO love….i dont have cable and i dont have netflix, so no…ive never seen the wire. i do have an offer to borrow the box set, but ive had to set some boundaries for myself because if i start watching that right now, this dissertation will never be written! so, my answer is, no but i intend to see the wire!

    um…hmm. litmus tests. like PJizzle, i cant be bothered with people who cant quote Talladega Nights both accurately and with perfect timing. its just so disappointing! i never look at them the same way.

    • http://jdiva.wordpress.com chaoticdiva

      @shatani,

      Talledega Nights is my sh….. homie!

    • http://www.myspace.com/wudaman19 WuDaMan

      @shatani,
      Two words. Free Library.

      • http://myspace.com/shatani shatani

        @WuDaMan,

        ive been in this fine city for 5 years and i have never set foot in a free library…do they have the wire there?

        • http://www.myspace.com/wudaman19 WuDaMan

          @shatani,
          fluck yeah ninjuh. You better get yo free wire on.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      @shatani,

      ok. considering your circumstances, you’re excused.

      • osyeP

        @The Champ, no excuses. The bootleg def sellin them joints 2 seasons for $15

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

          @osyeP,

          the wire is the one piece of art i refuse to bootleg or download illegally. i dont have many principles, but this is one of them.

          • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=73903598 Dom

            @The Champ,

            I feel the same way about Michael Jackson. The five year old “Thriller” fan in me just wont let me do it.

    • http://www.awesomelyluvvie.com Luvvie

      @shatani,

      I at least give folks the run of the Will Ferrell movies. They should be able to quote one or more of these: Old School, Anchorman, Stepbrothers or Talladega Nights.

      • http://myspace.com/shatani shatani

        @Luvvie,

        absolutely…there was this guy that i was slowly becoming friends with. funny, smart cool…and then one day he said he hated Blades of Glory.

        he is now dead to me.

  • shay-d-lady

    My tests who is better joe montana or steve young… Dirty joe is the only way to go and who is the king of r&b? Answer bobby brown no exceptions

    • http://presidentialtelevisionandfilm.ning.com Monk

      @shay-d-lady,

      Bobby Brown? King of R&B? What about T-Pain????

      • http://freetherapyorelse.blogspot.com Specialized Sula

        @Monk,

        This made me spill hot Echinacea tea all over the keyboard.

        Now, you have IT to answer to, Monk!!! :D

      • http://www.awesomelyluvvie.com Luvvie

        @Monk,

        Like I said on my blog, T-Pain is the Ghost of Coon Present. I mean it.

    • YGB

      @shay-d-lady,
      “who is the king of r&b? Answer bobby brown ”

      King of reefer & blunt!

  • http://stankoniforous.blogspot.com Stank-0

    I don’t have any because I realize I have…uh…”unique” tastes, i.e. I’m a huge fan of Collateral and Heat. Have watched each at least 50-100 times. They never get old. The dialogue in both is great. Then I usually rattle off some other Michael Mann’ jawns, such as The Kingdom and Miami Vice ( I liked parts of Miami Vice, specifically when they were talkin with Yero…bananas). So any woman who does not have an appreciate of some of Mann’s 90s-present movies…FAIL!

    Also if you attended my alma mater’s archrival…AUTO FAIL do not pass go, do not date, blacklist for not havin good sense.

    • postmodern pwnage

      @Stank-0, heat is a classic!

      • miss t-lee

        @postmodern pwnage,
        Oh yeah Heat is the bizness!!! :)

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      @Stank-0,

      i was with you until miami vice, which was basically “belly” with a bigger budget, which is even more f*cked up when you realize that “belly” was basically just the “mo diggity” video with a higher budget.

      • SouthernGirl

        @The Champ,

        *nodding*

      • http://stankoniforous.blogspot.com Stank-0

        @The Champ,

        I’m one of the few people that are not opposed to Miami Vice. I stand by my conviction that it was good, in parts.

  • postmodern pwnage

    my litmus test is the whether or not one owns a passport. 1. it indicates you have some sort of ambition to see the world outside your own borders. 2.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      @postmodern pwnage,

      it indicates you have some sort of ambition to see the world outside your own borders

      dating-wise, how does this matter?

      • postmodern pwnage

        @The Champ,

        perhaps not a fair judgement, but 9 out of 10 people who have yet to travel anywhere, tend to not give a shit about the world, or even getting outside their little bubble. I do. It wont work.

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

          @postmodern pwnage,

          duly noted and sh*t

        • nia

          @postmodern pwnage,

          It could just mean they don’t have the money to do it yet. International traveling is not cheap. That doesn’t mean that someone doesn’t desire to do it. Shoot, just gettin a passport is about a hunned (read: one hundred) dollars. I know cuz I’m bout to get one.

          But, ya know, that’s your test, so you’re entitled.

          • Princess Duvet

            @nia,

            “It could just mean they don’t have the money to do it yet”

            this is not really a great reason..part. when parts of europe during off season can be rather reasonable considering. (ie, DCA to LON(don)=$466 rt)…

            Postmodern is right in a sense..it goes back to level of interest and exposure..cause if brother man can find a few hundred bucks for some sneakers, best believe in can find it for heathrow.

            • nia

              @Princess Duvet,

              That $466 could also need to go to support for a child. You just never know people’s situation. But you know, we could go all day. People are entitled to their preferences. If that is important to a woman or man for someone that they’re dating, then they have the right to feel that way.

              • Princess Duvet

                @nia,

                I totally agree…500 bucks is some diaper money and support for a man with kids..but I can’t say I really attract men with child support problems…

                All im saying is “doesn’t have the money” is not a compelling reason when he’s dressed to impress particularly with shoes and or a watch that rival the price for a ticket abroad.

                Additionally, its OK to say that going overseas doesn’t interest you. I think thats my point too. Nor is it for me NOW a real deal breaker. Because Im pretty persuasive anyway..

                but i don’t think people should necessarily put it on price. Because generally when it comes to what people want THEY FIND A WAY TO MAKE IT HAPPEN.

                I think Id much rather appreciate a person being honest with their taste and hobbies than making up a bs excuse.

              • http://freetherapyorelse.blogspot.com Specialized Sula

                @Princess Duvet,

                I keep telling people that money is never a good excuse for someone not to travel. If you have the desire that I have for traveling, money becomes the least of your issues.

                We spend on what matters most to us. I was a broke foreign student in the US. I managed to travel every single break I had, and then some week-ends.

                I will take a nice week-end getaway over an “it” bag, and a kick ass honeymoon over a platinum wedding.

                It’s all about what is a priority for you.

              • Princess Duvet

                @Sula

                totally agree…i dunno know if I PERSONALLY want to shlep it freestyle on eurorail at my age (33)..but i did semi-shlep when I was 25.

                but i can see how one might be discouraged if you’re looking to stay at four seasons or the buckingham palace (sarcasm) on a dime…but yet and still you “really want to go”..????

                no you really really don’t because you’ve built all the bullshyt a!ss reasons not to.

            • SouthernGirl

              @Princess Duvet, postmodern pwnage

              I’m gonna have to agree with nia on this one. I see your point PD, and folks that wildly spend money on other things aside…even with that heathrow sale, it’s just not feasible for some. and i know cause i’m one of those people. Because getting there is only half the battle.

              I have many places I want to visit, especially Egypt which has been my obsession since elementary school, but sh!t…a sista got bills and debt to pay down (hello grad school) before I can go traipsing around the world the way I want to. And I don’t think this in any way makes me a person who has no interest in culture or the world as pwnage said though I know there are people who could care less.

              But in fact, I’m quite the opposite. I stays asking people about the places they have been, what they learned and should probably have stock in the history channel, discovery channel and tlc for all the shows I watch on there. I love history and cultures and how they make up our world and I fully intend to discover it all and actually experience all the places I want to see but I gotta take care of some stuff at home first before I can go around the world.

              • Princess Duvet

                @SouthernGirl,

                then you are the exception…but if i hear one more chick or dude with the latest louis vuitton or tag heuer (respectively) lookin fresh to death talm bout they can’t afford to go abroad..im gonna gag.

                generally there are vast options to international travel (alot of young people stay at youth hostles) some go the B&B route (which are remarkably cheaper than a traditional hotel)…

                hopefully when VEG gets back (is she ever coming back?? maybe she can give the full 411 on the variety of international travel). They are out there. I generally think that when people find excuses they just don’t really wanna go…

                btw..500 bucks isnt the cheapest rt ticket ive ever seen to europe.

              • SouthernGirl

                @Princess Duvet,

                I’m with you on louis vuitton don. lol. I’ve heard about the youth hostels and but I guess my main thing is when I go, I want to be able to fully enjoy myself and not be on some ‘how to enjoy europe on $3 a day,’ not to say that there aren’t less expensive ways to eat/shop on travel but I don’t want to be down to my last penny or anxious about my financial status when I’m there.

                Overall, I would feel financially irresponsible dropping a grand (or any significant amount of money) for a trip to europe when I’m still trying to pay off my computer, that last credit card and make a dent in the albatross that is the cost of my education.

                But believe me, the plan is in motion to take care of my finances so I can be free to do the other things in life that I want to do, and travel is one of them. But I’ll definitely have to hit up the queen of travel for some tips. lol.

              • http://lostwomanchild.blogspot.com/ blackberry molasses

                @SouthernGirl,

                anytime you wanna hit up Europe, Ghana or Nigeria, hit me up. Got tons of family and homes that are VACANT because folks be country hopping. I must say that international travel is much easier for those of us who are ‘international’ so I don’t hold that against people. Now if you express absolutely NO desire to EVER travel, then we have a problem.

              • http://freetherapyorelse.blogspot.com Specialized Sula

                @SouthernGirl, Princess Duvet

                There are MANY ways to cut down on travel costs…. if traveling is really what you want to do.

                Nowadays, I have more bank and no time so I end up paying premiums for quickie trips. However, as a student I was on every single site that had some sort of discounts. Site59, StudentUniverse, all that jazz. I had every student discount program known to men.

                Granted, with friends (or friends of friends) sprinkled all over the world, housing costs were minimal, but I’ve still met plenty of people who just didn’t know a soul and up and left.

                With careful preparation and the will to discover, one can do so much.

                In our backpacking tour of Europe, we did sleep in the utmost crazy areas. It made for fun stories afterwards though. :)

              • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

                In our backpacking tour of Europe, we did sleep in the utmost crazy areas. It made for fun stories afterwards though. :)

                the hostel flicks have kind of made me cool on the whole “backpacking through europe” thing

              • postmodern pwnage

                @SouthernGirl, I definitely understand your position, as not everyone has access to these opportunities, but I dont think my preference is any less valid than prefering folks who like a certain type of music. Obviously, if a person has a passion for exploring things outside their normal world, I wouldnt judge that person..

                but on the whole expense thing, it is really not that expensive. I think that is one of the biggest misconceptions. I think it was mentioned before, but if a person can find the money to club every weekend(im assuming drinks cost money), buy fine clothing, and overall invest their money in other venues, then they really can not cite lack of resources. It really comes down to what interests you. If travelling and seeing the world is your thing, money will not stop you, broke college students do it all the time. There are communities online akin to facebook purely dedicated to hosting travellers. There are hostels. There is a world out there, and while a person is within their rights to not be interested in seeing it, I know I would not get along with said person on a romantic level.

                I think it can be a profound experience, and individuals that usually have a passion for this(whether attempted or not) are able to survive in environments unknown to them. I am East African, so if the furthest you’ve been to is baltimore, how can i take you back home to meet the fam? lol…talk about a culture shock… I think if the person is open to the idea, and has aspirations to atleast one day do some travelling, I can respect that. If not, then good for you as well, but we will not work.

                I also agree about people who wear this as a badge, as they are insufferable douchebags, but thats with any group of people i guess.

                .

              • SouthernGirl

                @postmodern pwnage,

                i wasn’t trying to imply that your preferrence isn’t valid. you like what you like. i was just saying that as stated, you could be ruling out a lot of people over something can be based on other circumstances. someone who doesn’t have a passport can be different in my opinion and is interested in culture/traveling than someone who has no interest in traveling at all. and i think that point has been made on all sides in this thread.

                and i very much believe that people find ways to do what they want to do and what i want to do is be debt free by 30–2 years to go, so travel will have to wait. once i handle my business then i can get to the fun. so yeah, lowered costs or not, if i’m not spending $300 on that coach bag i love, i’m not spending it on travel either. and i’m also not clubbing every weekend because that never was my thing or running out to get the latest shoe/purse/whatever every week trying to keep up with kitkatquisha either. but i can see how someone who didn’t have other priorities and was spending gobs of money on other things would not be appealing.

                i’m not trying to go overseas and stay in the finest hotel in the land, but i am also not really that keen on backpacking through europe like a broke college student or being hosted by someone i found on facebook and had absolutely no connection to. but that’s just me. lol. now if a friend/family member or somebody could get me in touch with some decent folk a la bbmo above, then i could work with that.

    • Princess Duvet

      @postmodern pwnage,

      I would tend to agree. But as of late I’ve been meeting passport stamp snobs, ie “how many stamps do you have?”, “ie “I’m running out of pages”..ie princess duvet is getting bored with that shat for real for real..particularly when your passport becomes your status symbol (and your analogous beamer or maserati-which btw i hate car snobs too-like what you like-but don’t try and impress me with it)..

      at this point i think it would be cool to convince a passport-less stampless man..to come explore with me.

      • http://freetherapyorelse.blogspot.com Specialized Sula

        @Princess Duvet,

        It’s true that the passport-toting snob is also a turn off. The thing is anything done in contemption is a turn off. If that sole thing is what defines you that you have to constantly talk/brag about it then we have a problem.

        I particularly dislike car snobs. Like really? So your car can go o to 60 in XX minutes, uh? But don’t we all have to drive @ 25 miles an hour in the streets anyways?

        I don’t know maybe it’s because I would rather have a chauffeur in a Hyundai Accent than drive an expensive car myself… I abhor driving.

        • http://www.museacdonline.com pgh muse

          @Specialized Sula,

          I abhor driving.

          We truly must be Kindred. I would rather walk, or bicycle than drive. I’m so serious. People who drive long distances for hours at a time amaze me.