Hey Mona, Stop Trying to Make Hazel-E a Thing. Please? » VSB

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Hey Mona, Stop Trying to Make Hazel-E a Thing. Please?

VH1 screenshot

 

Dearest Rachet Proliferation Bae,

Hey, girl! How you doing? No…no…how YOU doing? Okay! Yaaaaaaaaaaaaas!

Yeah, girl. Girl talk like a boss!

Now that we got the pleasantries out of the way, can we kick actual factuals for a minute? Please?

Mona, you know I love me some ratchets. I watch them a lot. I balance the ratchets out with a healthy dose of documentaries on Netflix – though I’ve yet to watch “What The Health?” because I’m not ready to make any lifestyle changes – but I, like much of your target audience, loves me some good ratchetvision. In particular I love Love & Hip Hop Hollywood because you brought back Ray J Da Gawd who, no matter what people say, is easily one of the most entertaining human beings on the planet to have ever existed. And sister girl, I appreciate you for that.

hashtagyouareappreciated

And booboo, you know when you dropped that supertrailer for LHHH Season 4, I damn near had a stroke. Listen, I don’t know what medical condition you call it when you literally ignite every single sense you have at the same time; I think that might make me a superhero, actually. But Mona…girl, Mona…you did it. That damn supertrailer was the most exhausting, yet exhilarating thing mine eyes have ever seen the glory…of. Sorry about that preposition.

I’ve NEVERT seent THAT much shenaniganery, tomfoolery, and whatthefuckery loaded into one trailer. I mean, Moniece is still out her Monieceing, Ray and Princess are trying this whole adult shit, but you done added HEY ITS KEYSHIA COLE Y’ALL, and Brooke Valentine, who, no bullshit, I legit forgot EVER existed. And motherfucking Teairra Marie is dating motherfuckign Cisco.

Listen, I don’t know how much you paying niggas to date Cisco, but you must be hitting them up in tight spots because FOR WHY!?! Is he even attractive? How does anybody who watches any seasons where Cisco was a participant decide THAT’S the move they want to make. He’s the sensitive one in a gang called The Creep Squad, though I think he got excommunicated, which, HOW SWAY!?  Then again, you done clearly caught Teairra at her low point and shit. Got her at her alcoholic breaking point. Listen to me boo, I don’t NEVER EVER EVER EVER want to hear somebody I know say that they don’t want to talk to me, they’d rather talk to a bottle. That’s that real real “I Need Rehab” talk right there. I said it twice for emphasis.

I don’t know why you brought Masika back, or Nicki, or why Alexis Skyy gets some time. Listen, Fetty Wap’s babymama/boothang as a storyline is not a thing. Like, have we ever heard from his other baby mamas? I think not. Masika ain’t a storyline either on her own either. I do have to say that Safaree is always entertaining and I still want Fizz to win out here. When he’s not calling women food he seems like he’s an alright chap.

So let’s talk about what’s really important. Or not important depending on how you like your eggs: fried or fertilized.

Mona. Hazel E? Just no. Why is this chick back on the show? Seriously. She is not a ratings bonanza. She’s not Cardi. Or Joseline. She ain’t Chrissy. She’s…bad. And not bad meaning good. I can’t take one more moment of this chick telling me that she runs LA. Look, we ALL know this isn’t true. Even she knows it isn’t true. She’s a HORRIBLE rapper just from the snippets that they show. And I’ve listened to all of the available audible trash via Apple Music. #GIRLCODE is a real album and I’m still in awe at this fact.

And why for come are you letting her out the house pretending like she’s murdering the game dollar wise. She really showed up with a gotdamn helicopter in last night’s Season 4 premiere?!??! Then the Bentley when she went to meet up with Teairra to let TT know that she wasn’t shit. Now we ALL know how THAT was gonna go. Teairra ain’t never seen a person she wasn’t willing to put them paws on.

Which brings me to my big gripe…on LHHH, especially the intro episode, how does the ENTIRE gotdamn episode focus on the people we almost universally don’t give a shit about. There wasn’t one Ray J or Princess sighting. We only got brief glimpses of Fizz and Safaree and Moniece is out here doing Moniece things but with bigger boobs. Also, we know she’s going to tank that relationships she’s in now.

But that’s for later. Mona, girl, why did I get a whole episode of Hazel E pretending to stunt on anybody? Seriously. Does ANYBODY outside of the show even know she’s alive? I realize I’m coming for her, but you keep sending her onto my damn screen acting like any of us care about the life and times of Hazel E. And it wouldn’t even be so bad – she had some real empathy working that first season – if she wasn’t trying to pretend she was Oprah out here.

GIRL YOU AIN’T OPRAH, GIRL!

Mona, bae, please, for the love of all things hip-hop on a show with hip-hop in the title with no real rappers on it, can we reel in the Hazel E circus? Not my circus, not my clowns, except somehow I keep PAYING for them all!

Um.

Okay lady, love you, bye-bye.

Yours in Ratchets,

Panama

Panama Jackson

Panama Jackson is pretty fly (and gorgeous) for a light guy. He used to ship his frito to Tito in the District, but shipping prices increased so he moved there to save money. He refuses to eat cocaine chicken. When he's not saving humanity with his words or making music with his mouth, you can find him at your mama's mama's house drinking her fine liquors. Most importantly, he believes the children are our future. You can hit him on his hitter at panamadjackson@gmail.com.

  • Michelle is my First Lady

    “Does ANYBODY outside of the show even know she’s alive?”

    Obv, the dude that sucked the whipped cream off her toes knows that she’s alive. The entire scene made me want to

    https://media.giphy.com/media/bLBIanKJW0Iuc/giphy.gif

    • OMG. I forgot about that. Every scene she was in. Cringe, Cringe, Cringe. Cringe.

      What drugs is she taking??? Why is she throwing plates of food at people? The plastic surgery on this show…has really jumped the shark.

  • These demons actually are gonna take away our health care.

    • HouseOfBonnets

      Pretty much……..fucked up all around.

    • BrothasKeeper

      How evil can you be?

      • miss t-lee

        I keep asking that question, and apparently we’re finding out.

      • I actually feel physically ill now.

    • Val

      White folks are going to lose their minds. The Republicans are gonna get slaughtered in the mid-terms unless of course the Dems screw it up.

      • Alessandro De Medici

        You think so? I’m 50/50 on this. A good part of me thinks Repubs don’t care about healthcare outside of an abstract idea.

        • Val

          The whole issue is Republican voters didn’t like Obama and therefore they didn’t like Obamacare. They like the ACA though. So when it’s gone they are going to miss it.

    • Mr. Mooggyy

      Party over country! Its a damn shame too!

    • siante

      Can you link an article? The last thing I read said “they were looking to decrease healthcare costs for all Americans”

      • http://www.slate.com/blogs/moneybox/2017/07/25/the_senate_s_desperate_new_plan_to_end_obamacare_skinny_repeal.html

        Due to McCain rising from his deathbed, the Senate now must debate the bill. Republicans will go for a “skinny repeal” that will eliminate the individual mandate and the tax increases to help fund the individual markets. This will cause a death spiral that will jack of the cost of healthcare for all Americans and making it unaffordable and low quality for the poor and the sick.

        • siante

          I have to admit, if they only repeal the individual mandate – I would be happy – it’s not constitutional plus the working poor wouldn’t have to pay over $1000 in health care taxes just because they couldn’t afford (or didn’t desire) to get health care in the first place? I was in that situation a couple years ago & felt so screwed over by that tax.

          • “I have to admit, if they only repeal the individual mandate – I would be happy – it’s not constitutional”

            Moot point- National Federation of Independent Business v. Sebelius found the individual mandate constitutional due to Congress’ ability to levy taxes.

            Obamacare also falls apart without the individual mandate. Without it, insurance companies will pool the sick and uninsured into a high risk category and essentially price them out of quality health insurance. The healthy must subsidize the sick and poor.

            “plus the working poor wouldn’t have to pay over $1000 in health care taxes just because they couldn’t afford (or didn’t desire) to get health care in the first place?”

            Everybody needs a doctor at some point or time. They are either going to pay that or more when they go to an emergency room for treatment. The tax makes sure that hospitals don’t go bankrupt treating the uninsured. Furthermore, the tax penalty is a way to incentive people to go get insurance.

            “I was in that situation a couple years ago & felt so screwed over by that tax.”

            You’re going to have to get more specific about how much you paid and why you paid so much depending on your job and income before I can comment on this.

            • siante

              I can see we have some fundamental beliefs that differ- which is cool, I just personally see things differently.

              I understand National Federation of Independent Business v. Sebelius & how it was found constitutional & all of that… I also felt that the Obama Administration made huge power grabs that would set a precedent for our freedoms to be encroached upon down the line. I also don’t feel it’s the responsibility of the “healthy” in our society to care for the “sick.” That’s a trick. I feel that is a very dangerous & socialistic viewpoint & if we’re going that route then why not actually make it “fair” & throw the age old argument into the ring & put the responsibility on the “rich” to care for the sick & poor. Only the rich would trivialize what an additional $1000 means to a person who is working poor? Also I believe that fundamentally everyone should have the freedom to choose whether they want to be insured or not. Humans are not products and the government shouldn’t tell me that I need to have health care & how I should have it. That’s too much gov’t in my life. I can go on & on with this but ultimately I get where you’re coming from, I’ve heard all of the counter arguments- trust me- I get it, but I just have an entirely different view point on this.

        • siante

          thx for the article btw- I’ll have to dig into this when I get out of work.

        • Alessandro De Medici

          American politics is something else…

          2009 – Death Panels
          2017 – Death Spirals

          I don’t have any faith in the Republicans ability to anything productive with healthcare, but geez…

  • Mr. Mooggyy
    • You Know I’m Sawcy

      I realized I LOOOOOVE Turqouise Jeep Records.

      • HouseOfBonnets

        same lol

    • HouseOfBonnets

      Fried and fertilized

    • Tlholohelo Makatu

      I don’t know these guys but because of this gif, I want to.

  • BrothasKeeper

    I don’t watch the show, but I AM here for the Turquoise Jeep reference. Thanks for the earworm, Panama ? https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/a56a39fafb135cac6ede40103c81ce1f8bbf6fe63fa86c6f03bccb003d6c9231.gif

  • miss t-lee

    I have no clue who this non-celebrity is.
    …and since I’m being nice today, that’s all I’ma say.

    • HouseOfBonnets

      noooooo be mean with me lol

      It’s fun plus it’s included in the contract lol

      • miss t-lee

        HA!

    • NonyaB?

      Chile, I don’t know none of the loooong list of names paraded. Only Keysha Cole and b*tchasses Safari and RayJ because of Nikki Minaj and Brandy.

      • miss t-lee

        I only watched L&HH:Atlanta. I quickly learned there wasn’t much love or hip hop going on.

  • First, my sympathies for Lil Fizz, my erstwhile partner in Black single fatherhood. The struggle #isreal, and I feel for you. And if Moniece would just take a long walk off a short pier, that would be great.

    That said, I think I was the last person to ever listen to a Brooke Valentine record on purpose, and that was last year. As Long As You Come Home was a hot record, IDC, IDC. And the ratchet queen Keyshia Cole is finally home. This is for all the hood girls who needed a girl in R&B to be down for them. I can’t wait to see the highlights.

    • I fusx with Keyshia.. but Brooke who? Sitcho obsolete ayus down somewhere!

    • MsCee

      “And the ratchet queen Keyshia Cole is finally home. ” Dayum, Todd shady much??!! Lmfao

      • Where’s the lie though? Did I lie? LOL

        • MsCee

          Not uno lie was told.

  • Please!! Hazel E is the WACKEST CHICK TO EVER DO REALITY TV!

    Why did they give Moniece tiddies with no ayus?

    • The chick is proven crazy by losing custody. Her having b00bies with no b00ty is the least of her issues. LOL

    • Rewind4ThatBehind

      I hope those boobs double up as air bag protection

  • Me; What is Hazel E known for?
    PettyMe: Playing the stunt double in Ernest Goes to Jail
    ME: ohh girl!

  • When Hazel and Tierra got into it did anyone else think about Janice from Electric Mayhem fighting Ms Piggy?

    No.

    I’ll see myself out.

  • Rewind4ThatBehind

    I’m not supposed to joke about anyone’s looks because…..obviously….but Hazel’s face always bothered me.

    Like I don’t scare easily, but if I walked into a haunted house attraction and saw her face anywhere, I’d sh*t my paints, scream like an 8 year old girl, run into a wall, and die due to damaged retinas & massive cardiac arrest.

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