Hey Mona, Stop Trying to Make Hazel-E a Thing. Please? » VSB

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Hey Mona, Stop Trying to Make Hazel-E a Thing. Please?

VH1 screenshot

 

Dearest Rachet Proliferation Bae,

Hey, girl! How you doing? No…no…how YOU doing? Okay! Yaaaaaaaaaaaaas!

Yeah, girl. Girl talk like a boss!

Now that we got the pleasantries out of the way, can we kick actual factuals for a minute? Please?

Mona, you know I love me some ratchets. I watch them a lot. I balance the ratchets out with a healthy dose of documentaries on Netflix – though I’ve yet to watch “What The Health?” because I’m not ready to make any lifestyle changes – but I, like much of your target audience, loves me some good ratchetvision. In particular I love Love & Hip Hop Hollywood because you brought back Ray J Da Gawd who, no matter what people say, is easily one of the most entertaining human beings on the planet to have ever existed. And sister girl, I appreciate you for that.

hashtagyouareappreciated

And booboo, you know when you dropped that supertrailer for LHHH Season 4, I damn near had a stroke. Listen, I don’t know what medical condition you call it when you literally ignite every single sense you have at the same time; I think that might make me a superhero, actually. But Mona…girl, Mona…you did it. That damn supertrailer was the most exhausting, yet exhilarating thing mine eyes have ever seen the glory…of. Sorry about that preposition.

I’ve NEVERT seent THAT much shenaniganery, tomfoolery, and whatthefuckery loaded into one trailer. I mean, Moniece is still out her Monieceing, Ray and Princess are trying this whole adult shit, but you done added HEY ITS KEYSHIA COLE Y’ALL, and Brooke Valentine, who, no bullshit, I legit forgot EVER existed. And motherfucking Teairra Marie is dating motherfuckign Cisco.

Listen, I don’t know how much you paying niggas to date Cisco, but you must be hitting them up in tight spots because FOR WHY!?! Is he even attractive? How does anybody who watches any seasons where Cisco was a participant decide THAT’S the move they want to make. He’s the sensitive one in a gang called The Creep Squad, though I think he got excommunicated, which, HOW SWAY!?  Then again, you done clearly caught Teairra at her low point and shit. Got her at her alcoholic breaking point. Listen to me boo, I don’t NEVER EVER EVER EVER want to hear somebody I know say that they don’t want to talk to me, they’d rather talk to a bottle. That’s that real real “I Need Rehab” talk right there. I said it twice for emphasis.

I don’t know why you brought Masika back, or Nicki, or why Alexis Skyy gets some time. Listen, Fetty Wap’s babymama/boothang as a storyline is not a thing. Like, have we ever heard from his other baby mamas? I think not. Masika ain’t a storyline either on her own either. I do have to say that Safaree is always entertaining and I still want Fizz to win out here. When he’s not calling women food he seems like he’s an alright chap.

So let’s talk about what’s really important. Or not important depending on how you like your eggs: fried or fertilized.

Mona. Hazel E? Just no. Why is this chick back on the show? Seriously. She is not a ratings bonanza. She’s not Cardi. Or Joseline. She ain’t Chrissy. She’s…bad. And not bad meaning good. I can’t take one more moment of this chick telling me that she runs LA. Look, we ALL know this isn’t true. Even she knows it isn’t true. She’s a HORRIBLE rapper just from the snippets that they show. And I’ve listened to all of the available audible trash via Apple Music. #GIRLCODE is a real album and I’m still in awe at this fact.

And why for come are you letting her out the house pretending like she’s murdering the game dollar wise. She really showed up with a gotdamn helicopter in last night’s Season 4 premiere?!??! Then the Bentley when she went to meet up with Teairra to let TT know that she wasn’t shit. Now we ALL know how THAT was gonna go. Teairra ain’t never seen a person she wasn’t willing to put them paws on.

Which brings me to my big gripe…on LHHH, especially the intro episode, how does the ENTIRE gotdamn episode focus on the people we almost universally don’t give a shit about. There wasn’t one Ray J or Princess sighting. We only got brief glimpses of Fizz and Safaree and Moniece is out here doing Moniece things but with bigger boobs. Also, we know she’s going to tank that relationships she’s in now.

But that’s for later. Mona, girl, why did I get a whole episode of Hazel E pretending to stunt on anybody? Seriously. Does ANYBODY outside of the show even know she’s alive? I realize I’m coming for her, but you keep sending her onto my damn screen acting like any of us care about the life and times of Hazel E. And it wouldn’t even be so bad – she had some real empathy working that first season – if she wasn’t trying to pretend she was Oprah out here.

GIRL YOU AIN’T OPRAH, GIRL!

Mona, bae, please, for the love of all things hip-hop on a show with hip-hop in the title with no real rappers on it, can we reel in the Hazel E circus? Not my circus, not my clowns, except somehow I keep PAYING for them all!

Um.

Okay lady, love you, bye-bye.

Yours in Ratchets,

Panama

Panama Jackson

Panama Jackson is pretty fly (and gorgeous) for a light guy. He used to ship his frito to Tito in the District, but shipping prices increased so he moved there to save money. He refuses to eat cocaine chicken. When he's not saving humanity with his words or making music with his mouth, you can find him at your mama's mama's house drinking her fine liquors. Most importantly, he believes the children are our future. You can hit him on his hitter at panamadjackson@gmail.com.

  • Who was the dude who looked like Serena Williams and Jadeveon Clowney’s son? I’m convinced even the dudes on this show have fake butts. #aftermarket #groundeffects

  • PDL….HE still working on me

    Hahahahaha @ the title. I was thinking this the entire time while watching. I was sooo unimpressed with that dead kangaroo around her neck. My people, my people. Also I have a feeling she’s cashing her LHH checks before the ink dries so that she can flash all of her leased/rented toys….including the dead kangaroo. Nobody told Hazel is probably about as big as she’s going to hit and the funds dry up pretty quickly from this kind of gig. She should be depositing into some sort of vehicle that can grow money for her. What the heck @ the helicopter entrance. Mona got her thinking she’s a stah!!

  • HouseOfBonnets

    THANK YOU PANAMA!!!!!

    it’s like you knew I wanted to talk about this. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/91811b4e1853d7406fa2e187d79da0c575a8d3ff43fe28dee87b0db0d4568b44.gif

    • You Know I’m Sawcy

      Aw, hey Bonnie baby!

      • HouseOfBonnets

        Hey boo! :)

  • Hugh Akston
    • Brooklyn_Bruin

      if you were to start a hood league, what sport?

      Hoops
      Football
      Cee lo?

      • Val

        Handball?

      • BrothasKeeper

        Racquetball. Seriously.

  • Jocelyn

    Thank you for the picture – I now know what Hazel E looks like. I still don’t know who she is. I don’t watch LHHH or any of the other shows. However, I had to read Panama’s recap because he makes me holler. How is there a show where Brandy’s little brother is a central figure and someone folks actually want to watch? My confusion = all-time high.

    • As I tell Moneypenny when this show is on. In a perfect world we would only know him as “Brandy’s little brother” and nothing more.

      • Val

        If only because that would also mean we would be living in a world where the Kardashians were not famous. And that would have been a good thing.

        • Jocelyn

          Glory glory hallelujah!

      • Michelle is my First Lady

        That’s it. Or little Willie Norwood, Jr. (Thanks Fab)

    • MsSula

      I am sitting right next to you on the confusion bus. I am confused as heck right now.

      • Jocelyn

        It is good to have company. I bet the bus is full.

        • NonyaB?

          I know y’all saved a seat for me, right? Cause I’m just as confuzzled and from what I hear, it’s ain’t worth delving into.

          • Jocelyn

            We saved you a seat and snacks!

      • HouseOfBonnets

        It ain’t worth googling friend lol

    • Love Heals

      I thoroughly enjoyed Panama’s article but I’m definitely uninformed about the show. I caught an episode when Hazel E was with Yung Berg. I was ready to choke him when he dumped her purse’s contents on the road. I’d have hate-watched while trying not to get invested. Q: Are she and Katt Williams still booed up?

      • Jocelyn

        She was booed up with Katt? Well that explains a lot.

        • Love Heals

          They broke up at one point-maybe? But for the last year or two, I think.

      • Her and Katt? Wuuuut?

        • Love Heals

          OMG, let me find out late as I am, there are others who are discovering stuff even later. I’m pretty pleased with myself right now. (GRINNING hard.)

  • HouseOfBonnets

    I lowkey wanna share this post and @ her on twitter because this is vailid.

    I would also like to discuss why all of her lacefronts look askew and why she’s blowing her entire check for the season on budget uber rentals and knockoff furs in LA.

  • Junegirl627

    Listen, I don’t know how much you paying nig**s to date Cisco, but you must be hitting them up in tight spots because FOR WHY!?! Is he even attractive?

    The Brooklyn Hoodrat in me finds him attractive until I realize that 1. I went to college and can do better and can love me better than that and 2. He wears that same black sweatshirt errrday in all seasons. Which forces your mind to go on the journey of what that must smell like and what that skin must feel like on a Hot day in July. Then I snap out of it and continue editing spreadsheets.

    • siante

      “He wears that same black sweatshirt errrday in all seasons. Which forces your mind to go on the journey of what that must smell like”

      I’ll take a stab at it: I think it smells like a mixture of stale sweat, alcohol, weed smoke residue & a faint hint of Suavitele fabric softener.

      • Junegirl627

        Come on now I like suavatelle

        • siante

          Me too, but It’s because of the Suavitele that the guy picked up his shirt from the day before, did a sniff check & was like “mmm, still smells aight!” just bypassing all the other lil’ aromas lol.

  • Val

    Lol @ Yours in Ratchets

  • Kim

    Me trying to figure out where Hazel E’s sudden influx of money came from…

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/cde6e7e8aa26b140ba31ee525d5ab52cb311471e73563e41ca7903df7e82f4c9.gif

    • HouseOfBonnets

      That’s her pay for the season

      • Kim

        Smh, looks like she spent it all within the first episode.

    • Junegirl627

      LMAOOOOO

    • Michelle is my First Lady

      From the lawsuit she filled when she “broke her nose” in Dubai.

      • miss t-lee

        Is that what they’re calling it now?

        • Michelle is my First Lady

          *cackles*

      • heyheyno

        I’m just trying to figure out of all those noses she could have chosen from why did she pick that one smh

        • Michelle is my First Lady

          IKR it makes her look even worse, IMO

    • hahahahaha

  • You Know I’m Sawcy

    Guys… Cisco like thong song Sisqo or someone else? The only name I recognized in this was Ray J’s and I’m not happy about that.

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