(photo by VH1)
Dearest Rachet Proliferation Bae,
Hey, girl! How you doing? No…no…how YOU doing? Okay! Yaaaaaaaaaaaaas!
Yeah, girl. Girl talk like a boss!
Now that we got the pleasantries out of the way, can we kick actual factuals for a minute? Please?
Mona, you know I love me some ratchets. I watch them a lot. I balance the ratchets out with a healthy dose of documentaries on Netflix – though I’ve yet to watch “What The Health?” because I’m not ready to make any lifestyle changes – but I, like much of your target audience, loves me some good ratchetvision. In particular I love Love & Hip Hop Hollywood because you brought back Ray J Da Gawd who, no matter what people say, is easily one of the most entertaining human beings on the planet to have ever existed. And sister girl, I appreciate you for that.
And booboo, you know when you dropped that supertrailer for LHHH Season 4, I damn near had a stroke. Listen, I don’t know what medical condition you call it when you literally ignite every single sense you have at the same time; I think that might make me a superhero, actually. But Mona…girl, Mona…you did it. That damn supertrailer was the most exhausting, yet exhilarating thing mine eyes have ever seen the glory…of. Sorry about that preposition.
I’ve NEVERT seent THAT much shenaniganery, tomfoolery, and whatthefuckery loaded into one trailer. I mean, Moniece is still out her Monieceing, Ray and Princess are trying this whole adult shit, but you done added HEY ITS KEYSHIA COLE Y’ALL, and Brooke Valentine, who, no bullshit, I legit forgot EVER existed. And motherfucking Teairra Marie is dating motherfuckign Cisco.
Listen, I don’t know how much you paying niggas to date Cisco, but you must be hitting them up in tight spots because FOR WHY!?! Is he even attractive? How does anybody who watches any seasons where Cisco was a participant decide THAT’S the move they want to make. He’s the sensitive one in a gang called The Creep Squad, though I think he got excommunicated, which, HOW SWAY!? Then again, you done clearly caught Teairra at her low point and shit. Got her at her alcoholic breaking point. Listen to me boo, I don’t NEVER EVER EVER EVER want to hear somebody I know say that they don’t want to talk to me, they’d rather talk to a bottle. That’s that real real “I Need Rehab” talk right there. I said it twice for emphasis.
I don’t know why you brought Masika back, or Nicki, or why Alexis Skyy gets some time. Listen, Fetty Wap’s babymama/boothang as a storyline is not a thing. Like, have we ever heard from his other baby mamas? I think not. Masika ain’t a storyline either on her own either. I do have to say that Safaree is always entertaining and I still want Fizz to win out here. When he’s not calling women food he seems like he’s an alright chap.
So let’s talk about what’s really important. Or not important depending on how you like your eggs: fried or fertilized.
Mona. Hazel E? Just no. Why is this chick back on the show? Seriously. She is not a ratings bonanza. She’s not Cardi. Or Joseline. She ain’t Chrissy. She’s…bad. And not bad meaning good. I can’t take one more moment of this chick telling me that she runs LA. Look, we ALL know this isn’t true. Even she knows it isn’t true. She’s a HORRIBLE rapper just from the snippets that they show. And I’ve listened to all of the available audible trash via Apple Music. #GIRLCODE is a real album and I’m still in awe at this fact.
And why for come are you letting her out the house pretending like she’s murdering the game dollar wise. She really showed up with a gotdamn helicopter in last night’s Season 4 premiere?!??! Then the Bentley when she went to meet up with Teairra to let TT know that she wasn’t shit. Now we ALL know how THAT was gonna go. Teairra ain’t never seen a person she wasn’t willing to put them paws on.
Which brings me to my big gripe…on LHHH, especially the intro episode, how does the ENTIRE gotdamn episode focus on the people we almost universally don’t give a shit about. There wasn’t one Ray J or Princess sighting. We only got brief glimpses of Fizz and Safaree and Moniece is out here doing Moniece things but with bigger boobs. Also, we know she’s going to tank that relationships she’s in now.
But that’s for later. Mona, girl, why did I get a whole episode of Hazel E pretending to stunt on anybody? Seriously. Does ANYBODY outside of the show even know she’s alive? I realize I’m coming for her, but you keep sending her onto my damn screen acting like any of us care about the life and times of Hazel E. And it wouldn’t even be so bad – she had some real empathy working that first season – if she wasn’t trying to pretend she was Oprah out here.
GIRL YOU AIN’T OPRAH, GIRL!
Mona, bae, please, for the love of all things hip-hop on a show with hip-hop in the title with no real rappers on it, can we reel in the Hazel E circus? Not my circus, not my clowns, except somehow I keep PAYING for them all!
Okay lady, love you, bye-bye.
Yours in Ratchets,