Hey, Come Back Here With My Magical Negro!

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Now, if I die die, if I die…remember me….ballin’.

But if get the chance to come back reincarnated as something other than a boulder, I’d like to be a magical negro. What is a magical negro you say?

You know what a magical negro is. He (or she, though mostly it’s a he) is the Black gentleperson who shows up to help the white protagonist overcome his demons and rise to the greatness within….then he usually dies, disappears, or becomes Uncle Ruckus.

Zip-a-dee-do-da, zip-a-dee-day, my oh my, what a wonderful day. <;---- Uncle Remus, magical Negro extraordinaire.

Now, contrary to what you may think, I'm a big fan of the magical Negro oeuvre.

(You like that right? How I used oeuvre? All scholarly and sh*t. It was almost magical. RUH-ROH!)

See, I've always felt that The Blacks were a pretty insightful bunch, often being the spirit and soul of a country or the people. Hell, we have soul music. In fact, have you seen Beats, Rhymes, and Life, the documentary about A Tribe Called Quest? Q-Tip called Jarobi the spirit of ATCQ. Black folks...we just like that We are the pulse. We're the funk in your left thigh, trying to become the groove in your right. All that jazz. We're jazz. We're even Jazz being thrown out of the house.

So it stands to reason that if there are a bunch of white people around, that a ninja would show up, drop a cliche about life, the white people have moments of clarity, then the ninja disappears into the water even though we don't swim. In fact, that's my favorite part about magical negroness: the fade out we do. I tried that sh*t in real life. It didn't work so well. Apparently peopel could still see me for like 20 minutes after I started walking away...that's a long time to watch somebody make an exit. It loses its punch after like 20 seconds.

Anyway, since I loves me a good magical negro (I wish they sold them in stores!...actually I'll bet white people which they sold them in stores), here are a few of my favorite magical negroes.

Sidenote: Now that I think about it, I'm pretty sure I'm the magical negro for one of my coworkers. I can't tell you how many times he comes to me for guidance and asks me questions about life. He's also at least 25 years older that me. So maybe I've already gotten my wish, I just didn't realize it because, well I've yet to disappear on him. I'M WHITE, it'll get done! No I'm not. So it won't. Dammit.

1. Bagger Vance

The Legend of Bagger Vance is a great terrible movie. Not that I could see him playing the role anyway, but rumors that Will turned down DJango because of the racism have to be unfounded considering how much shucking and jiving he did as Bagger, who magically(!) showed up out of nowhere and not a soul questioned it at all. He was annoying but special and a total whiz on the golf course. He helped Captain Randolph Junuh overcome his demons and storm back from 12-under (!) against the two best golfers in the world. IN ONE ROUND. On a course where the other two golfers – the two best golfers in the world – can’t break par. As far as magical negroes, go…Bagger is a first ballot hall of famer JUST because of that.

2. John Coffey

The Green Mile is ALSO a great terrible movie. Hmmm, there’s a theme here. I know it’s Stephen King, but still. John Coffey might be the ultimate magical negro in that he “takes it back” and then sends it into the ethos with little flying things that disappear. He took a man’s urinary tract infection and gave his wife back some of that good lovin’. He took “the cancer” from another woman. The only thing he couldn’t take back was death. And he was electrocuted for it even though he didn’t do it. (He was accused of killing two (?) little white girls). Real spit, John Coffey – like the drink, only not spelled the same – might have been the sweetest, nicest giant of a man ever. And I can’t front, when they eletrocuted him, I almost cried. Hell, the prison guards all did. One of the best quotes ever in a great terrible movie, Paul: “On the day of my judgment, when I stand before God, and He asks me why did I kill one of his true miracles, what am I gonna say? That it was my job? My job?” John Coffey: “You tell God the Father it was a kindness you done. I know you hurtin’ and worryin’, I can feel it on you, but you oughta quit on it now. Because I want it over and done. I do. I’m tired, boss. Tired of bein’ on the road, lonely as a sparrow in the rain. Tired of not ever having me a buddy to be with, or tell me where we’s coming from or going to, or why. Mostly I’m tired of people being ugly to each other. I’m tired of all the pain I feel and hear in the world everyday. There’s too much of it. It’s like pieces of glass in my head all the time. Can you understand?”

3. Rafiki

Five words: “Correction…I know your fatha!”

4. Bubba

I’m not sure if Bubba from Forrest Gump qualifies, but he was a simple, sweet, caring, enterprising, young ninja who knew everything there was to know about shrimping and helped Forrest learn it all too. They were a perfect match with Bubba being just boring enough that you likely didn’t cry when he died. Forrest couldn’t save his magical negro, but he did save others trying to and he got the Congressional Medal of Honor. Bubba made Forrest better though I’m sure that’s not who Fab and Ne-yo were talking about in their smash single.

5. Chubbs

That damn gator took his hand and then his life at the end of the day…hmmm, what is it about magical negroes and golf? The movie, Happy Gilmore. The magic? Well, Chubbs turned Happy into the man who could get his grandma’s house back. Wallah, magic.

Those are my favorite magical Negroes? You got any?

Talk to me. Petey.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka MR. WALLAH, MAGIC aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

326 thoughts on “Hey, Come Back Here With My Magical Negro!”

  4. Those are my favorite magical Negroes? You got any?

    YOU, negro, are my favorite magical person! And, I say that with love. :D

    Reply ↓

        • Girl please. Get over it already. The only reason you think that is because you have a distorted opinion that I give a flying phuck about ones ethnicity. I don’t!
          .
          Judge me not on the color of my skin, but the content of my character.
          .
          Stop your bullshyt now and grow the phuck up! I’m at least twice your age and been around the world several times, not to mention a hell of a lot of blocks, plus up and down them streets. You ain’t got a clue and yo’ arse would run from situations dis ‘white girl’ has come through.
          .
          My friends, who are mostly black and/or mixed with every possible combination you could think of, and most people on this site, know there is no mal-intent whatsoever in my playfulness. In fact, THEY call ME ni**a, ninja, negro and a hell of a lot of other words AND NO ONE MEANS A DAMN THING BEHIND IT BECAUSE WE BE KNOWING THAT IT DOESN’T MEAN A DAMN THING!
          .
          You need to pull your head out your arse and take off those ugly phucking lenses you seeing the world through to cultivate deeper relationships and stop trying to create issues where none exist except in your own mind.

          Reply ↓

          • “Judge me not on the color of my skin, but the content of my character.”

            Nah, i’ll just judge you on the sports teams you root for.

            better be a Knicks fan…or we’s a havin’ problems, bosslady

            Reply ↓

            • I’ll be a Kicks fan… kicks the shyt out of whoever crosses my usually mellow self. ;) Okay, okay… I root for the Knicks, after the Nuggets. Brwhahahaha… I actually like playing sports more than being a spectator. But, yeah, okay, I’ll roll with the Knicks if they win. :D

              Reply ↓

          • GOOOOOOOOOOOOD LAWWWWWWWWD!!!

            The black in Queen done came out! I L.O.V.E. it!!!!!!!!! *brother franklin dance*

            -Woosah. Shoo, I should I’ve been thurr to hold your earrings.

            Reply ↓

  7. - Dominic Toretto (Vin Deisel) from The Fast & Furious series.
    - Radio (Cuba Gooding Jr) from the movie Radio
    - Olivia Pope (Kerry Washington) from Scandal
    - Axel Foley (Eddie Murphy) from Beverly Hills Cop

    Reply ↓

    • I definitely disagree with Olivia Pope. She might be helping white folks but she’s the protagonist of the story. The story is about her journey. Thus, I don’t think she counts.

      Axel Foley is iffy. Granted, it’s arguable whether or not he’s the protagonist because his character really doesn’t evolve, but I agree with Val. He’s a fully developed character with a purpose. His purpose is not to help the white folks so much as to get revenge for his friend’s murder. I don’t see how that makes him a magical negro.

      Reply ↓

      • My list of people is based on the criteria of “helping white protagonists” and “improving their (white people’s) lives”. Which both Olivia and Axel do. Their character/motivation is completely irrelevent.

        Reply ↓

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