forget everything else you’ve heard.

disregard every other theory you’ve read.

ignore anything you’ve heard from any other relationship pundit.

fellas, you need to know that it’s all about money.

that’s it.

it’s not about sex, or, more specifically, whichever sexual acts she’s willing to do for you. she swallowed? so what. get in line. take a number. you hit it in one of the men’s dressing rooms at the banana republic? sh-t, so did clinton portis in 2002. get over yourself.

it’s not about time either. as we previously discussed, many women will spend time with a guy they have no intentions on ever doing anything remotely physical with, sans the hunchback hug (the teasingly platonic hug where women hunch their backs forward and stick their behind out, insuring there won’t be any type of crotch-area contact) at the end of the night when you drop her off at her f-buddy’s efficiency at her apartment.

she let you meet her girlfriends? who cares. she just wanted to prove to them that she found someone worse in spades than she is. plus, 15 percent of them aren’t going to be around this time next week year anyway.

she let you meet her family? so what. she’s just tired of hearing the “when are you getting married?” chorus at every family outing, and figures that being seen with your delusional ass might buy her a good 6 months of question quelling.

you’re on her top 4 on myspace? great. so is carl thomas. and tom.

she told you she loved you? love schmove. when she said it she was probably under the influence of dgp (“damn good pipe”), and that “confession” definitely ain’t admissible in any court.

no, fellas, the only way you can be absolutely sure that a woman is definitely into you is if she’s willing to give you money. not borrow. not loan. give. give, with absolutely no plans to ever get it back. this is the ultimate test…the relationship wonderlic exam. if she’s willing, she adores you…if she’s not, she doesn’t. it’s that simple

you could even make the argument that (***editors note***. the champ isn’t making this argument, just stating that the argument can be made. carry on) money is a woman’s most valuable possession. i’m not implying that all women are bronze excavators (“gold-diggers” is a bit too cliched for my taste), but let’s just say that it’s much, much, much easier to separate a man from miscellaneous cash than a woman.

you don’t believe me?

okay. tommorrow, ask a woman how many people she’s had any type of sexual relationship with. (***editors note***. don’t do this.) then, ask her how many of those guys she would have given 500 dollars to if they needed it. i’d bet my stimulus check that at least 70 percent of the time, those numbers won’t match up.

let’s break it down again:

you met her stepmom? so what. she hates her stepmom, and she just brought you around because she knows she’ll be allergic to your cologne.

she let you make a tape? hmmm…obviously you haven’t checked the homegrown thread at bgol the contents of that shoebox underneath her bed

your checking account is a bit short this month because you had to help pay for your aunt’s funeral, and your girl gave you $550 to help out with your mortgage? she’s already picked the names of your first three grandchildren.

you don’t have to believe any of this i guess..unless, of course, you enjoy being right.

—the champ