hay season: the people, places, and things that make me itch
along with unusual virility, and a head shaped like the working end of a cruise missile, my parents passed an acute sensitivity to idiocy on to me. as i’ve grown older, these sensitivities have become so concentrated and pronounced that i can now honestly say that i’m seriously allergic to bullsh*t.
this affliction is extremely troublesome, as it causes me to start itching uncontrollably whenever i’m in the presence of or a witness to it. in fact, just last week i almost scratched my entire left forearm off when trying to listen to “ghetto techno” all the way through
anyway, because writing about bullsh*t can be very therapeutic and cathartic for me, i’ve decided to name a few more people, places, and things that have been making me itch.
black men who sound like white men trying to sound black (aka “the stu scott” or “the kappa”)
the phrase “grown and sexy”
a term which is now just a three word euphemism for “drug dealers who launder their money through rim shops and the social services chicks and teachers who want to sleep with them”
grown women rocking pocket-less jeans
has officially replaced clear heels as the standard universal, “she’s probably a ho. nttawwt” uniform
soft chicken wings
there’s nothing more itch-inducing than ordering a dozen cajun chicken wings, but getting a dozen pieces of slippery meat with skin that looks like it came from the bedridden pedophile in seven.
coffee shops that don’t offer free wi-fi
every time i enter one i’m tempted to call up the manager and ask “they still make you?” like i’m chris rock
the “i can make your p*ssy whistle” line in drake’s, “best i ever had”
while i admittedly don’t mind drake as much as my vsb partner does, since when is a whistling p*ssy what’s torrid on the thoroughfare?
seriously, am i missing something here? what woman wants a stepin fetchit-ass p*ssy, and what guy would brag about giving a woman something that sounds like the premise from an episode of “tales of the crypt”?
the fact that i have great mobile internet service everywhere except my own f*cking apartment
i don’t know whats more itch worthy, the fact that i live in the only 900 square foot part of “the most connected community in pittsburgh” without good service, or the fact that i live in a 900 square foot apartment
not being able to grow a beard like black thought
***simultaneously filed under “some bullsh*t” and “things champ has said that are at least 84 percent gay”***
that’s enough therapy for me. people of vsb.com, what bullsh*t is making you itch right now?