Lists, Pop Culture

Havin’ Hard Times: Best Jobs To Get When Times Are Tough

I came across this fascinating, yet seemingly hyperbolic, article in the Atlanta Journal-Constitution about difficult economic times are increasing the number of women trying to get on the pole. And people say the recession is a problem; anything that puts more women on a pole is alright with me. While I think that some of the financial “facts” are indeed debatable, the fact is, strippers get that dough – especially in Atlanta. In fact, in Black America when people think stripping they think Atlanta. Gentlemen, guard your daughters. If she really wants to move to Atlanta but has yet to apply to Spelman, I hate to tell you but she’s gonna be making it clap more than 40 Negroes at a houseparty when Soho Earth People’s “Hot Music” comes on.

Hot muuuuuuuusic. (Anybody else notice that this song always sounds better when followed up by Aly-Us’s “Follow Me”?)

Here’s a snippet of the economics in the article:

The strip club economy

Clubs: U.S.: 3,829

Metro Atlanta: 19

Economic impact: U.S. $15 billion

Metro Atlanta: $240 million-plus

Employment: U.S.: 500,000

Estimated annual earnings of Atlanta dancers: $20 million

Anybody else surprised that there are only 19 strip clubs in metro Atlanta? Me too. But if true, damn that’s good money.

Well this got me to thinking. People often joke that when times get tough, women should start stripping. Truth is….that’s true. There are so many upsides and really the only downside is that whole self-esteem, sense of self-worth bull malarkey. Face it, pride and options are for rich and beautiful people. If you were either, you wouldn’t be thinking about stripping, now would you?

Oh, the upsides: cash business (avoid some of those pesky taxes through self-reporting), you get to meet really nice people who really care about you, you get to stay up on the newest music, and the coup de grace, you get to TOTALLY be a dancer as your profession! Take that Alvin Ailey.

As if.

While I’d totally suggest to any woman out there to hit the pole when times get tough, there are other job options when times get tough, and there not all just for women. Men are feeling the brunt of the storm too. Right now, it really is hard out here for a pimp. Which brings me to number one.

1) Prostitute

Most women claim to love sex anyway, might as well get paid for it. And not with fancy dinners to Olive Garden, either. Of course, you might have to pay a cut to some guy with a perm, a pinky ring, and really long fingernails, but every job has its issues. Though I can’t lie, having a boss named Sweet Curly Gloom Hand Jones might make me rethink that whole hoin’ thing. Luckily, I got one hangin’ and two swangin’.

2) Customer Service Representative

Preferably for Verizon or some other such f*ckery of a company. While I realize that most people loathe customer service, there is no better job security right now. With nearly everything going digital, people are prone to have issues. There’s ALWAYS a job available because in effect, people don’t know how to properly plug sh*t in. Of course, you’ll have to move to India or Kazakhstan and name yourself “Bobby” or “Mary” but whatever, it’s for the kids.

3) Funeral Home employee or director

When times get tough, people start kickin’ off faster than three Brazilians with a ball and an open field. Much like taxes, death is the only other guarantee in life. Even crappy funeral homes get business because wheredeydodatat? Crappy parts of town. Of course, the “I see dead people” joke probably gets old 2 seconds after you start working there but you get to totally lay in caskets and pretend to be a vampire. Rar.

4) Bartender

This one is surprising because people tend to drink less, well, less expensively during an economic downtime, however, if you’re the bartender and your life is sucking, you’ve got all the liquor you need at your own disposal to drink away the pain. You might get fired for drinking on the job, but hell, you could always go strip.

5) Pedi – cab operator in NYC

If you live in Boise this is probably not an option, but these cats ALWAYS have customers. It’s probably because there are a lot of sadists out there who get some kind of sick pleasure out of making some guy work his heart out for 10 bucks and 2 blocks. Of course, if you do take this kind of job you’re probably a bit masochistic anyway so its a perfect match since S & M go together like Rihanna and eye jammies.

Those are a few suggestions. Good workers of VSB, have you any occupational suggestions for our economically strapped community members?

Put it on the glass.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL, HE A 3

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Panama Jackson

Panama Jackson is pretty fly for a light guy. He used to ship his frito to Tito in the District, but shipping prices increased so he moved there to save money. When he's not saving humanity with his words or making music with his mouth, you can find him at your mama's mama's house drinking her fine liquors. Most importantly, he believes the children are our future.

  • Eks M

    am i first.. Yaaaasss *jersey shore fist pump* and iDied at the brokephibroke tag.

    often times in undergrad my roomies and I would contemplate doing a quick run to ATL to make some cash *smh* then we got serious about life and put in more hours at Target, lol!

  • Eks M

    am i first.. Yaaaasss *jersey shore fist pump* and iDied at the brokephibroke tag.

    often times in undergrad my roomies and I would contemplate doing a quick run to ATL to make some cash *smh* then we got serious about life and put in more hours at Target, lol!

  • http://crapialwaysnotice.blogspot.com Jade (not a prOn) Star

    I once joked that if I could, I’d be a plus-sized stripper. My name? Double Stuff Oreo. Now looking at this jacked up economy and being non working for 2 years, the idea is starting to look sorta attractive…lol!

    I’ve scoured Craigslist for one time gigs to make some quick cash. Sold some stuff and most of all the dreaded temp agencies.

    • Brklyn2Chi

      @Jade (not a prOn) Star,

      Lmao- “Double Stuff Oreo”…

      Though I will say there prob is a market for that. I mean if ppl can get paid off of turning a bathrobe around and callin it a Snuggie, I’m sure you can get a bunch of dudes to make it rain at a club to see BBW drop it like its hot!

    • Brklyn2Chi

      @Jade (not a prOn) Star,

      Lmao- “Double Stuff Oreo”…

      Though I will say there prob is a market for that. I mean if ppl can get paid off of turning a bathrobe around and callin it a Snuggie, I’m sure you can get a bunch of dudes to make it rain at a club to see BBW drop it like its hot!

    • Dash

      @Jade (not a prOn) Star,
      Set up a fetish site, pose for pics, autograph worn clothing, do vid chats, etc. You would probably make more than stripping, and not have to worry about backstage politics, patrons, and other strippers trying to take your cookie.

      • http://crapialwaysnotice.blogspot.com Jade (not a prOn) Star

        That sounds like an even better idea!

      • http://crapialwaysnotice.blogspot.com Jade (not a prOn) Star

        That sounds like an even better idea!

    • Dash

      @Jade (not a prOn) Star,
      Set up a fetish site, pose for pics, autograph worn clothing, do vid chats, etc. You would probably make more than stripping, and not have to worry about backstage politics, patrons, and other strippers trying to take your cookie.

    • miss t-lee

      @Jade (not a prOn) Star,
      “Double Stuff Oreo.”

      Team Chunk, what it do?!??! :)

      • http://www.gettogethablog.com Melinda

        @miss t-lee,

        Lawd.

      • http://www.gettogethablog.com Melinda

        @miss t-lee,

        Lawd.

      • http://crapialwaysnotice.blogspot.com Jade (not a prOn) Star

        ROFLOL!

      • http://crapialwaysnotice.blogspot.com Jade (not a prOn) Star

        ROFLOL!

    • miss t-lee

      @Jade (not a prOn) Star,
      “Double Stuff Oreo.”

      Team Chunk, what it do?!??! :)

  • http://crapialwaysnotice.blogspot.com Jade (not a prOn) Star

    I once joked that if I could, I’d be a plus-sized stripper. My name? Double Stuff Oreo. Now looking at this jacked up economy and being non working for 2 years, the idea is starting to look sorta attractive…lol!

    I’ve scoured Craigslist for one time gigs to make some quick cash. Sold some stuff and most of all the dreaded temp agencies.

  • http://www.fitandhungry.com Angel

    I’m going to have to agree to disagree.

    The bartending/alcohol industry is booming! My client, who is a real estate agent, has a client (who bought a house from her) that owns a wine shop and she told me they are overloaded. They can’t keep stuff in stock because those who “are in a recession” are buying bottles in bulk.

    What’s the point of my comment???

    Ladies, please get off that pole and open up a liquor store. There will always be drunks in the world. Always!

    angel

    • MizzouLegend

      @Angel,
      A step further would be to open up a winery. Preferably near a metro area with a few colleges within earshot.

    • MizzouLegend

      @Angel,
      A step further would be to open up a winery. Preferably near a metro area with a few colleges within earshot.

  • http://www.fitandhungry.com Angel

    I’m going to have to agree to disagree.

    The bartending/alcohol industry is booming! My client, who is a real estate agent, has a client (who bought a house from her) that owns a wine shop and she told me they are overloaded. They can’t keep stuff in stock because those who “are in a recession” are buying bottles in bulk.

    What’s the point of my comment???

    Ladies, please get off that pole and open up a liquor store. There will always be drunks in the world. Always!

    angel

  • http://TheSunk.com The Hallway/TheSunk

    1) Delivery Man- One could deliver pizzas in blizzardy conditions. What more exciting job. I love driving.

    2) Barber- One could undercut all the other barbers, $5-8 haircuts, not to mention the great deals(stolen stuff) that comes through the shop.

    3) Po-Po- Once again you get to drive all day and abuse your privileges. Get discounts on everything. N!ggaz always acting up=always need popo.

    4) Party Promoter- Promoting parties isn’t to hard. Be in the right place at the right time.

    5) Some rich, white Georgetown woman’s boy toy- Sounds like the best job for a black brother. Loans/tuition paid, free food, a few shopping sprees, and a freaky white milf…I can dig it

  • http://TheSunk.com The Hallway/TheSunk

    1) Delivery Man- One could deliver pizzas in blizzardy conditions. What more exciting job. I love driving.

    2) Barber- One could undercut all the other barbers, $5-8 haircuts, not to mention the great deals(stolen stuff) that comes through the shop.

    3) Po-Po- Once again you get to drive all day and abuse your privileges. Get discounts on everything. N!ggaz always acting up=always need popo.

    4) Party Promoter- Promoting parties isn’t to hard. Be in the right place at the right time.

    5) Some rich, white Georgetown woman’s boy toy- Sounds like the best job for a black brother. Loans/tuition paid, free food, a few shopping sprees, and a freaky white milf…I can dig it

  • Dash

    Foster parent: I know it sounds fucked up to start taking kids in because of the economy, but those kids can really supplement your income. Keep your receipts, and get reimbursed for nearly everything, have access to vouchers from Sears “Balling!”, and on top of that you get paid. All you have to do is take a class or two, and welcome a child into your home.

  • Dash

    Foster parent: I know it sounds fucked up to start taking kids in because of the economy, but those kids can really supplement your income. Keep your receipts, and get reimbursed for nearly everything, have access to vouchers from Sears “Balling!”, and on top of that you get paid. All you have to do is take a class or two, and welcome a child into your home.

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