Halloween Is the Worst Fucking Day of the Year » VSB

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Halloween Is the Worst Fucking Day of the Year

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From whichever day happened to be the day after Halloween in 1996 to whichever day happened to be the day before Halloween in 1997, my then six-year-old nephew obsessed — daily! — about who and what he was going to be for Halloween. He’d wake me up at 3:17am (we shared a bedroom) to say he wanted to be “The Fresh Prince”; he’d stand in front of the TV while I was watching Seinfeld or Caribbean Rhythms to announce he wanted to be a vampire; he’d interrupt the caking-ass phone calls I’d make on my parents’ house phone to ask how I felt about him being Batman; he’d respond to questions like “Are you hungry?” and “Did you remember to brush your teeth?” and “Why aren’t you wearing clothes?” with “Uncle Damon, I think I want to be a rock monster for Halloween next year.

And then, a day before Halloween, he finally decided he wanted to wear a Scream mask. Which, in hindsight, was probably an inappropriate costume for a six-year-old, but no one in our house gave a damn. Because we were all just thrilled he’d finally picked something and would finally shut the fuck up about Halloween. So my dad bought him a Scream mask and some black sweatpants. And I even bought him a plastic machete. Which, again, inappropriate. But my reservoir of fucks had been depleted.

Halloween comes. We dress him up. Get him a canvas bag to carry candy. Shine up his Fisher-Price machete. And since I was nominated to walk him around the neighborhood, my melancholy ass even got into the act too, donning a pair of fangs and a Georgetown Iverson jersey to become Vampire Iverson. And then, right when we were about to leave the house, we walked past a full length mirror at the top of the stairs. And this motherfucker scared himself. Scared himself so convincingly that he no longer wanted to go treat or treating. And then he took off the mask, went downstairs, and watched Mrs Doubtfire. I have never hated a toddler more than I hated that toddler at that moment. If I came home today and learned that toddler Hitler broke into my house and shit on my bedroom top sheet, I would still not hate toddler Hitler as much as I hated my nephew at that moment.

My nephew is not the reason why I hate Halloween. But that story is an accurate synopsis of all the reasons I hate this gotdamn awful fucking day. It is a stupid day. The single stupidest day of the year. An entire day predicated on corny motherfuckers attempting to be cool by pretending to be someone exponentially cooler than them. Like Uncle Fester. Or Ethan Hawke. And then attempting to shame you for not fully embracing their collective corny. Like I should give a damn that you finally found a yellow jumpsuit on Indonesian Ebay to complete your Beatrix Kiddo costume.

It’s also a day that gives people a perceived carte blanche to embrace whichever inner asshole is lurking within them. No other day is as forgiving of and welcoming to fuckboys and basic bitches as Halloween is. Secret racists don Blackface. Secret hipsters don iPhone costumes. Secret socialists don Obamacare registration forms. And I hate them all.

As a kid, I grudgingly indulged because candy. And as an adult, I grudgingly indulge because Halloween parties are often the only opportunities to publicly view the actual sphincters of the women who like your Facebook statuses.

But really, fuck Halloween.

Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a columnist for GQ.com And he's working on a book of essays to be published by Ecco (HarperCollins). Damon is busy. He lives in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes. Reach him at damon@verysmartbrothas.com. Or don't. Whatever.

  • PDL – Cape Girl

    “And then, right when we were about to leave the house, we walked past a full length mirror at the top of the stairs. And this motherfucker scared himself.”

    This is soooooooooooo hiliarious….I’m cackling. I’m so happy my kid is a big kid and no longer require this kind of stuff from me.

  • PhlyyPhree

    “Halloween parties are often the only opportunities to publicly view the actual sphincters of the women who like your Facebook statuses.”

    What Halloween parties do you go to?

    I don’t care about Halloween much. I was never allowed to go trick or treating as a child and as an undergrad, I wasn’t comfortable enough to dress slutty and show my sphincter at a party so eh.
    One of these years, I’m going to find a great duo costume that I can wear with my mini but alas, this year she has decided to be Cleo from Monsters High so fuck my dreams of a Rocky Horror Picture show theme.

    Also, I just wanted to post this picture because #goals. Once I am FINALLY chosen, he’s going to have to do family ish like this with me

    • Nick Peters

      You have to go around white people

      • PhlyyPhree

        Ohhhhhh…. No. I’m cool on that. I was just wondering.

    • Epsilonicus

      I might have to do this next year

    • LehcarB

      I just wanted to say I stalk Fab’s IG because he takes the coolest pics. and young Johan there is so adorable!

  • TeeChantel

    I’m sorry but he looks like an idiot. My face is scrunching up hard at Whiteboy Kanye.

  • Epsilonicus

    I like Halloween. but it helps I hide myself from the racists. I have had some cool costumes recently: Antoine Dodson, the Cleveland Bus Driver. Gustavo Fring, a nerd. This year we have a family costume. The little guy is a shark, imma be his victim, and his momma gonna be a lifeguard.

    • LuckBALady

      Family costume: CUUUUUUUTTTTTTTTEEEEEE

    • Courtney Wheeler

      My niece is going to be a veterinarian..ahhh I can’t wait to see her!

      • Epsilonicus

        Awwww!! Thats so adorbs!

    • PhlyyPhree

      I’m going to need pictures. This sounds cute.

      • Epsilonicus

        Next year I wanna do Star Trek theme

    • That is adorable…I loveit ^_^ I agree with Phlyy

    • RewindingtonMaximus

      Family pics but don’t post them online, just e-mail them to the chosen few

      • PDL – Cape Girl

        Thanks!

    • Awwwww.

    • sharitaatx

      I LOOOOVE FAMILY COSTUMES! Ever since I had my lil one we have been doing the family costume thing. One day he will tire of it but for now he loves it! this year we are going a various versions of Micheal Jackson!

  • Courtney Wheeler

    Its fun when you’re with a great group of people. But costumes in general are stressful and kinda expensive. I just want a bunch of snickers bars

  • uNk

    “donning a pair of fangs and a Georgetown Iverson jersey to become Vampire Iverson”

    LOL this is hood af.

    On a serious note though, I was reading about this story yesterday, Yea he did a formal apology blah blah blah, but like the fact you AND your girl just thought this would be ok. To make things worse, too many damm ppl in the comments section were defending the sh*t, like at least 90%(and white). When “Im not racist” white folks try and say that all these crazy things ppl do is not racist this is exactly why I tell them to shut the f*ck up. I swear on everything no other race does this stupid sh*t so frequently. If you trying to be Michael Jackson for Halloween, you get a “Beat It” red jacket, high rise black pants with the white socks showin and some fake curls. I dont need you to put blackface on for me to distinguish this look.

    • Val

      It’s the Blackface that really gets them off though.

  • I’m all for some slutty costumes and candy corn, especially since candy corn is mad cheap come Nov. 1.

    • Candy Corn is for lining the trash with tho :(

      • You crazy. That stuff is made out of angel tears and high fructose corn syrup.

        • QuirlyGirly

          YASS!!! Just thinking about candy corn is giving me a sugar high like no other

          *Homer Simpson drool

        • nooooooo that’s is Satan’s boogers :(

      • QuirlyGirly

        Candy corn slander shall not pass

      • RewindingtonMaximus

        You throw candy corn out your car window at cars that drive too slow or try to cut you off the road.

        • they have gourmet candy corn now that’s *everything*- ya’ll don’t know about that….

          • RewindingtonMaximus

            Introduce me to this…”gourmet” candy corn.

            Because I’d rather eat thumb tacks than another piece of candy corn ever

    • The world consists of two kinds of people: those who like candy corn and those who know that candy corn is trash.

    • Jennifer

      Why was I more disgusted of your love for candy corn than of your love of slutty costumes?

      • Because everybody loves slutty costumes.

        • Jennifer

          Touché, sir. Touché.

  • I wasn’t allowed to celebrate Halloween growing up, so at this point the holiday doesn’t mean much to me, it’s just October 31st. The cheap candy you can get afterwards is pretty clutch tho lol

    • miss t-lee

      What up 50% off.

  • Nick Peters

    I disagree completely: when your a kid…free candy and when your grown…have you seen what women’s clothing options are for Halloween?

  • I haven’t celebrated Halloween since the days throwing of hadoukens.

    • I’ve purchased candy the last two years and no kids ever show up so I’m not doing it this year.

      • I but candy and pray nobody comes for it.

        • Jennifer

          I just wait and buy candy on November 1 when it goes on clearance. I live in an apartment.

      • Kids weren’t even dressing up here last year. Just coming in street clothes asking for candy. :-/ No Halloween spirit. I’ll probably just watch The Nightmare Before Christmas.

        • They just don’t try anymore, huh?

        • QuirlyGirly

          They were being themselves for Halloween. When you are a little hellion you don’t have to dress up.

      • Val

        I never see kids trick or treat either. I think they go to organized things now for Halloween.

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