Theory & Essay

guilty as charged

regardless of how unshallow or disdainful of superficiality you might claim to be, we all have our standards of what we deem datable and/or attractive. some of us are more willing to overlook certain things while others aren’t too keen about relaxing their standards, but we all have an image, an archetype of what we’d consider to be ideal.

but then…sometimes it happens.

you can’t explain it, you can’t reason with it, and it doesn’t make sense in your head, but sometimes you find yourself completely enthralled with someone who’s basically completely out of your “attractiveness box”. sometimes they’re the “wrong” race or body build or age, or sometimes you’ve been on the bandwagon so long that you’re scared to jump off and admit that you find them attractive. regardless of the reasoning behind it, they’re your guilty pleasures.

today, as a therapeutic exercise, i’m gonna name a few somewhat famous people who, despite the fact that they dont fit my archetype, still make me want to f*ck the sh*t out of them are extremely attractive to me.

enjoy and sh*t.

vanessa bell calloway

reasons for being a guilty pleasure: she’s like five years younger than my mother and also has a daughter who, in two years or so (just to be safe) would definitely get it, which makes things kind of awkward. with that being said, i could soooo see her as some recent divorcee drinking a rum and coke at some lounge, slightly tipsy and flirty in a “i’m gonna tease the hell out of this young dude…but if he comes correct, who knows?” way, leading to an all-night sexual rendezvous culminating with me waking up in the morning to some fire-ass, exotic ass omelette and a note explaining why i’ll never see her again.

(hmmm, maybe i’ve given this scenario a bit too much thought. moving on…)

cheryl hines (larry david’s wife on “curb your enthusaism”)

reasons for being a guilty pleasure: she talks and walks funny and kind of looks like a duck. regardless of that though, i’ve just always had this feeling that she’d be incredible in bed, and i cant explain why. you’ll just hafta trust me

natalie portman

reasons for being a guilty pleasure: she’s approximately the size of my left thigh, and roughly the same color as my bedroom walls. yet, despite the fact that i think i could realistically break her back while breaking her back, she’s always done it for me…even going back to, gulp, “the professional

ashanti

reasons for being a guilty pleasure: ive never publically admitted until today that i’ve always been attracted to her, for fear of getting banned from the n*gganet. i fear no more. release your f*cking hounds. i scared of them no more

so, people of vsb.com, what pop cultural or celebrity figures would be your “guilty pleasures”? people who you’d think you wouldnt be attracted to at all, but, for whatever reason, they just do it for you, or people you’ve been scared to admit in public that you’re attracted to, for fear of getting rocks thrown at you?

we’re all family here….don’t be scurred

—the champ

Filed Under:
Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a contributing editor for EBONY.com. He resides in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes.

  • genius khan

    Beholdeth he that sees beneath the deep wondrous and amazing things.

  • Intellectual Hedonist

    “she’s always done it for me…even going back to, gulp, “the professional”

    I feel dirty for you, I will be back after I shower

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      the only solace i can take in that is the fact that even though she was 13, i was 16, which doesn’t make it TOO bad

  • http://www.myspace.com/womannaofgod utc115

    they were talking about this on V-103 this morning. Lately I have been on this Lil Wayne thing and I have no idea why. His teeth are disgusting all those golds……..he has tattoos everywhere and all that jazz. So I have no reason for liking him. I have never had a thing for “thug” type guys. I am sure I have some more but I cant think right now. Way too sleepy.

    • Gemini

      I am with you on that. I have no idea what it is, but I think if he walked up to me I would faint! I mean he’s not at all my “type” but it’s something about him, you can’t deny it.

      Maybe its the fact that Supahead said he was the best she ever had, I don’t know. But, of course, I don’t know about listening to someone who has been with EVERY-DAMN-BODY in the entertainment business. But she was sprung on Lil Wayne for a minute.

      • Shay-d-lady

        Yeah but the fact Supahead has been with everyone means she is an expert when it comes to getting it.. Lil Wayne is probably laying it DOWN…

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

          “Yeah but the fact Supahead has been with everyone ”

          so sleeping with tons of people makes you an expert, or just a ho?

          • ForReal

            In her case i’d say both. I mean if you’ve been with that many people you’ve gotten a good sample of a variety of D, and it stands to reason you’d know good D when u get it, no?

          • Gemini

            Well in her case, I’ll call her an Expert Ho, lol.

          • http://www.goodeness.blogspot.com GOODENess

            she is a “ho-spert”…she has a zillion dudes to compare him to…that’s like a virgin saying you’re the best…s/he doesn’t have anyone to compare you to, so how valid is the accolade? it’s like you complimenting a woman’s waffles…

            • http://liffy.blogspot.com Luvvie

              I’m loving “ho-spert”. I must use that term daily. Somehow.

            • http://www.myspace.com/chicanextdoor Miss Patterson

              “it’s like you complimenting a woman’s waffles…”

              oooh cold-blooded!!! she got you mayne!

          • shay-d-lady

            LOL ….both. You a ho but when you put the “fiyah” stamp on someone…its the Truth

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

        “Maybe its the fact that Supahead said he was the best she ever had, I don’t know. ”

        i didn’t read the book or anything, but i thought ray-j was who she said was the best she ever had and was actually in “l(h)ove” with?

        • Gemini

          It could be both, but I do recall her saying that about Lil Wayne, heck who knows? She claimed to have been “in love” with just about all of them.

    • soulfirelp

      oooh not Lil Wayne girl…ugh

  • http://www.myspace.com/moonchyldblu Vitamin Be

    I am absolutely head over heels for Jay Z… I don’t know if its the swag or bis ass lips, but he does it for me.

    Derek Luke… I never really get bit by the chocolate bug, but he could get it…family style.

    • http://www.goodeness.blogspot.com GOODENess

      this is me…cosigning on that there…but I admit it all the time…can’t think of anyone that I have liked on the “slide” though

    • http://liffy.blogspot.com Luvvie

      Sorry but I cant dig camel lips on that scale.

  • Kamilah

    Hmmm…okay so some I can’t “officially” name because they are actually in my circle…but here goes…

    Black Thought – “because he’s known to be a lover of…”

    The DJ – because he’s really a nerd who happened to fall in love with music…and because his timing is so bad it’s good…lol

    The Higher Ed Administrator – because he’s also a nerd, but he has this voice that will fully make you want to give it up on his office desk

    The Blogger – one word…witty

    J.A. Adande – because PTI is the business this week….and he is so laid back and cool in real life

  • Shay-d-lady

    my guilty pleasures…
    Please dont judge

    Nelly
    Jay-z-BDS
    James Mcavoy-something about that Scottish brogue
    Chris Brown…I want him to take me down…now I know R. Kelly’s plight
    Dave Chappelle he can laugh me right out of my draws!
    Dijimon Honsou—ohhhh ..give us us free!!!
    Tommy Lee
    Wentworth Miller
    Tyrese
    50 cent.. Dammit his body is banging…..I cant help it!
    Cuba gooding jr… I know but shadowboxer made me look at him in a whole new light…..
    Prince and
    Johnny Depp..I have loved him since 21 jumpstreet

    • Shay-d-lady

      ohhh….I am going to add the ambiguosly gay trio to my list….
      Common, Kanye and John Legend….

      • http://www.myspace.com/wudaman19 WuDaMan

        You really think so? I mean you ever been to one of Common’s shows or been to Chicago for that matter?

        • Shay-d-lady

          yes I saw Common perform back when he was promoting that song “the light’.. he was a little fruity back then….but he is still fine so I can over look it

          • http://www.myspace.com/wudaman19 WuDaMan

            Okay in his defense ya boy was messin w/ crazy I.E. Erykuh Badu @ that time. N then when I saw him in concert he all had chicks up on stage about to set the clothes on fire from the hunchin (you know the position standing up missionary w/o the chick being on the floor). & I was wondering if you knew anything about Chicago cats n they swag.

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

        i didn’t know cats thought that common was gay. i guess you learn something new everyday

        • Elle_6

          I didn’t know this either. That’s like saying Andre 3000 is gay, which is blasphemy!

          Even Kanye isn’t really gay as much as he is annoying as hell. I would say Puffy was gay before Kanye, which isn’t saying much, I know! LOL

        • http://freetherapyorelse.blogspot.com MsSula

          I don’t know why either… It just dresses differently than Lil’ Wayne (THANK GOODNESS!!)

          I love me some Common and I’m not ashamed of it… in the least. :)

        • sonia

          i hate to say it, but he’s dating serena williams, who’s rather…umm, not super feminine. isn’t that indicator enough?

      • miss t-lee

        when is common gay?
        I don’t think so. Now Kanye and JL…hmmm

      • Shay-d-lady

        Common has reinvented himself since the finding forever joint, but after the Erykah Badu phase when he first hooked up with Kanye…they were all extremely suspect. John is still suspect but we tagged them the ambiguously gay trio and the name stuck..

      • http://www.singleblackmale.net Single Black Male

        What is this about them being gay?

        I mean … Common no way. Like people said … if u see him live there is no question about it.

        John Legend is pretty raw for an R&B singer … so he gets the OK.

        Kanye … well … I wouldn’t go calling that man’s sexuality into question.

      • http://www.goodeness.blogspot.com GOODENess

        Shay-DEE…ok..I love you..so I will forgive you for typing ill of Lonnie Rashid Lynn II…but don’t let it happen again or I am going to have to take off my earrings up in here…

        • shay-d-lady

          LOL…..as long as he stays out of them drawstring pants and v-neck dashiki’s we should be okay…

    • Intellectual Hedonist

      Tommy Lee!!! oh yes

      Johnny Dep, he loves me!

    • http://liffy.blogspot.com Luvvie

      Nelly could get it SO MANY ways!! SO many times, LAWD!!

      Chris Brown – I would do 17 for that 18!! Totally worth it

      Wentworth Miller would make me have Jungle Fever, so BAD!!!!

      Tyrese has ALWAYS been on my “Can Get It” list.

      I’m sorry but Prince reminds me of a woman. If I’d do him, I might as well go LESBO. I’m sooo straight on THAT one.

      • http://thebeautifulstruggler.com Sister Toldja

        Wentworth Miller is black! Google it, he has lead an interesting life, being able to “pass” and all.

  • http://www.myspace.com/yummit Treezy F. Baby

    I have a crush on Justin Slayer. :::runs in the corner, blushing:::

    Chingy. Cause he kinda has the same features as a guy in my real life that I’m into.

    Djimon Honsou. Yes, yes, yes…he’s so intense and I wish I could drink up his skin.

    Vincent D’Onofrio. I don’t know why but I like quite a few older white men with salt and pepper hair. Vincent is like the poor man’s George Clooney to me. Okay a REALLY poor man.

    Umm. That is all…all my other picks are standard hotties.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      “I wish I could drink up his skin.”

      ………..

    • miss t-lee

      I have a crush on Justin Slayer. :::runs in the corner, blushing:::

      Hmmmm.
      ::nodding head in agreement::

      • genius khan

        t-lee u just want to get Slayed.

        • miss t-lee

          You’re right. This abstinence thing is a MF’er.
          lol

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

        admittedly, slayer does seem to bring the best out of the chicks in his flicks.

        • miss t-lee

          :)

    • KindredSmile

      LOL you have a crush on Goren? Effin Goren?! Awesome. I could see where you’re coming from, but I heard he was a total prima donna backstage though.

    • http://www.myspace.com/chicanextdoor Miss Patterson

      yeah Vincent could get it. Prima donna my ass!

  • aja

    o0o my guilty pleasures…

    Prince…even though im 5’10″ and hes 2’11″ in heels..id still do him..lol cuz i have been sprung on him since i was a kid.

    Brad Pitt…the bottom lip..lawd..nuf said..

    and..drum roll please…

    its a tie between Chris Brown..and that Joshua dood from So You Think You Can Dance (his butt n thighs did it for me)…as soon as they turn 21..lol

    yall pray for me..lol

    • Shay-d-lady

      LOL I thought Joshua was gay? But since you said it…Will was pretty hot and sexy…..I am adding him to my list

      • JT

        Will… OMG… when he raised his arms in full Karate Kid position…. I was dripping… that boy can get it!

        You can see each and ever muscle group when that boys moves.

        • Shay-d-lady

          stop it, girl stop….. yes lawd he is fine…

          • aja

            What did u guys think about twitch? His lips n those abs..lawds..lol Ooo and dont tell me joshua is gay..lawds why do all the cute ones have to be gay..ugh..lol

    • http://liffy.blogspot.com Luvvie

      I would have Brad Pitt’s FINE ASS un-tragic mulatto kids ANYDAY!

  • Leila

    Barack Obama – This crush is before he be ran for president. I saw him at a rally in 2006 and he really captured my attention by the way he spoke and his modesty. He’s skinnier than my usual type, but his persona more than makes up for that.

    Reggie Miller – When I was younger, I had a thing for Reggie Miller. I can’t explain why, but I did lol.

    Chris Rock – I went to a show of his and any guy that can make me laugh that hard is a winner. He lacks in the physical department, but he’s hilarious and that makes up for it.

    Johnny Depp – I wouldn’t usually date a guy who dresses like Johnny Depp but it works for him. He’s sexy and has this appeal.

    Bono – There’s something just cool about him. I also love how much he gives to charity and how genuine he is.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      “Bono – There’s something just cool about him”

      i’ll admit, bono might actually be the coolest cat on the entire planet, lol.

      • Gemini

        I do love Bono, he is cool. But Jeremy Piven might have to just be the coolest white dude out there. I think he might be able to earn a “black” card just like Jon B., haha!

    • genius khan

      sometimes Reggie Miller favors The Crypt Keeper specially round the mouth.

      • miss t-lee

        nah…that would be Sam Cassell.
        Really, it’s a toss up.
        nevermind…lol

        • genius khan

          yep Sam Cassell too… E.T. thats who he reminds me of around the head. LOL!

          • miss t-lee

            LOL!!! True.

        • http://liffy.blogspot.com Luvvie

          BOTH of them look like human scarecrows. EEWWW

      • Intellectual Hedonist

        R Millere has Shark Teeth, they look jagged and go in every direction

        • miss t-lee

          Down here we say it looks like he’s been chewing on rocks.

        • http://liffy.blogspot.com Luvvie

          Reggie Miller’s teeth looks like he is on a strict diet of steel, bricks, rocks, and kryptonite.

    • genius khan

      Bono is a cool dude. he and i have a love for shades. i collect them. i don’t wear any jewelry. no watch or shit. well every once in a blue moon i rock a stud in my ear but my “stunner” game always gets the nod. he’s the only man i know with a “stunner” game sharper than mine. i wish i knew where to get the styles he wears. somebody lemmeknow…

    • aja

      “Barack Obama ” – I just had a dream about him last nightthat he came over to my families house and had dinner with us..just like he was one of the family..lol I dont know what that meant but..he made me see him in a new light….lol

    • JBoogie

      friggin’ ADORE bono…serious u2 fan i am!

    • http://liffy.blogspot.com Luvvie

      Bono is AWESOME!!

  • Zahara

    This is a sad, embarassing list:

    - Anthony Hopkins from Silence of the Lambs — his voice OMG!
    - Jack Nicholson (I know, I know!!!)
    - George Clooney

    Both of them — probably ten or more years back. They’re now falling apart…damn age!

    Crap — I just realized my guilty pleasures were all OLD WHITE MEN! What does that say about me? :(:(

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      “I just realized my guilty pleasures were all OLD WHITE MEN! What does that say about me? :(:(”

      that you have a slave/slavemaster fetish, thats all

      • ForReal

        “that you have a slave/slavemaster fetish, thats all”
        Dman Champ! That’s a f*cked up, yet hilarious, thing to say.

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

          ““that you have a slave/slavemaster fetish, thats all”
          Dman Champ! That’s a f*cked up, yet hilarious, thing to say”

          lol…i just call it like i see it

      • http://www.ericabaker.com EricaJoy

        …or that she is like millions of other women (of all races) who find those very same men attractive.

    • KindredSmile

      Clooney could get. it. IN. But I’d worry that the experience itself would be a huge disappointment because it’d be all charm and no performance.

      • Raqi

        Yeah. Too much hype.

    • Intellectual Hedonist

      @ Zahara~i was thinking about Anthony Hopkins in the shower this morning… I would love for him to knight me with his sword. mmm mmmm

      ***ok I’m leaving now***

      • Zahara

        Ouch!!!@Champ — that cut deep.

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

          “Ouch!!!@Champ — that cut deep.”

          if i had a nickel for everytime a woman said that to me, i’d have like two and a half nickels

          • Zahara

            ^Only two and a half nickels? What did you do to the rest…spend it?