Grits, Oatmeal, And Cream Of Wheat Are The Rock-Paper-Scissors Of Breakfast Food » VSB

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Grits, Oatmeal, And Cream Of Wheat Are The Rock-Paper-Scissors Of Breakfast Food

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Think about it.

Grits always beats oatmeal. If you have a choice between grits and oatmeal, you choose grits every single time. Unless, of course, you’re either a Big Sean fan or actually Big Sean. And, if this is true, you probably eat oatmeal with a fork, so you don’t matter anyway.

But, oatmeal beats Cream of Wheat. If you’re at a place where both are being served, you’re going to get the oatmeal. Because you’re not going to trust the Cream of Wheat at a place where oatmeal and Cream of Wheat are being served. Because where the hell do they do that at? That’s some repugnant-ass shit. People who serve oatmeal and Cream of Wheat at the same time are the same people who work out and go home and then jump in bed with no shower.

Now, a good-ass batch of Cream of Wheat is rare. So rare that I would not be terribly upset (or surprised) if “making a good-ass batch of Cream of Wheat” eventually became an Olympic event. Well, maybe not an Olympic event. But if I turned on ESPN tonight and they snuck a half hour of competitive Cream of Wheat making between the 2015 Reebok CrossFit Games and the World Armwrestling League finals, I would not change the channel. Mainly because it would be the only time my dad would be on ESPN.

Anyway, when Cream of Wheat is made to perfection, though, it can exist as a standalone breakfast. You can have a bowl of bomb-ass Cream of Wheat and a couple pieces of toast, and be good till like 1pm. As lovely as grits can be, if a person offers me a bowl of grits — and just a bowl of grits — for breakfast, I’m going to fight that person. And then I’m going to eat the grits. Because fighting someone and wasting the grits they just made you is rude.

Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a columnist for GQ.com And he's working on a book of essays to be published by Ecco (HarperCollins). Damon is busy. He lives in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes. Reach him at damon@verysmartbrothas.com. Or don't. Whatever.

  • 11thHour

    I could not agree with you more except one point, Cream of Wheat and Oatmeal. I would pass on both. In fact, I’d walk out and find another place to eat. That’s just me though.

    • AlwaysCC

      no it’s not. i’d be walking with you.

      • TeeChantel

        Same here. Where we going?

        • 11thHour

          Any breakfast place that does not serve Oatmeal and Cream of Wheat simultaneously.

          • GLAMCAM

            Make sure it is a table for 5

            • heyheyno

              I would say make that a table of six but then we would have to pay gratuity so I’ll just sit somewhere else. I’m not going out to eat oatmeal or cream of wheat out somewhere I can make that at home.

              • GLAMCAM

                First things first, you da realest!

    • Dmaclee

      I’m walking with you. I abhor the taste of Cream of Wheat. I don’t understand it. Something so simple looking shouldn’t leave my brain in such confusion. Oatmeal, I just can’t…

    • NOLA_Shawn

      I have never seen or tasted Cream of Wheat. Frankly, I refuse to acknowledge its’ viablity as a food option especially in a restaurant. Who does that?

  • TJ

    Damon can’t stop, won’t stop. You keep agitating the big mommas and aunties!

    I don’t know if I’ve ever had Cream of Wheat. I need to dig deep in my memory.

    I’m bougie, so I love overnight oatmeal in mason jar. Had some for breakfast. Lol.

    • TeeChantel

      I’ve never had Cream of Wheat before, so I’m no good there. Grits all day.

      I’m not sure I could use grits as a weapon though. Poor thing.
      http://www.nydailynews.com/news/national/woman-arrested-pouring-hot-grits-sleeping-man-article-1.2325544

    • When you start smelling white diamonds and love spell, Champ gotta run

    • LadyIbaka

      Does eating it from a mason jar alter the taste? I like to drink my coke from a mason jar, because it looks pretty….

    • miss t-lee

      Never tried the overnight oatmeal in the mason jar, but I have done the overnight crock pot oatmeal.
      Love, I tell ya, LOVE!

  • Erin Martin

    I. CAN. MAKE. A. GOOD. ASS. BATCH. OF. CREAM. OF. WHEAT!!!!

    • 11thHour

      Tell me how, Erin. I need to step my Cream of Wheat game up.

      • Erin Martin

        LOL!!!! I can show you better ;-)

        • 11thHour

          Well, for all intents and purposes give me the rundown. What do I need to make my good batch?

    • Charles Johnson

      but why? why would you eat it?

  • SuperStrings

    Again with the shade of the traditional breakfast comfort foods. I love all three. Since, we’re controversial though:

    1. Bacon is wack. Sausage rules.
    2. Big and Pac weren’t the best.
    3. “Only Built 4 Cuban Linx”> “Supreme Clientele”
    4. Actually, “Ironman”>”Supreme Clientele”
    5. Awww He!!, “Liquid Swords”>”Supreme Clientele”
    6. “Volume 1″>”Reasonable Doubt”
    7. “Love Jones” was wack

    • Lea Thrace

      Marry me?

      • Lea Thrace

        I take it back. You like All three of those “foods”. It could never work between us. But the rest of your list was on point. So I shall love you from afar.

        • SuperStrings

          Dang you quit me that fast?

    • Volume 1 isn’t better than RD. Stop it.

      • SuperStrings

        The intro joint alone on Vol 1 is better than RD. Besides, VSB is a universe where grits can be overrated and stuffing elevated above dressing. My claim pales in comparison. lol

        • It, really, really isn’t. Tracks 4-8 on RD are the best hip hop history.

        • Volume 1 has two of Jays worst songs, ever.

    • You can take a short walk off a long cliff with “Bacon is wack”

      • SuperStrings

        I mean bacon aiiiiight if you’re sprinkling it over a salad.

    • I agree with 1, bacon is a sandwich topping.

    • uNk

      #1
      In your first point, you spelled “life” wrong. In your second point, you forgot to complete the sentence, ill help. Sausage rules, just not as much as bacon

    • Reemo

      Man you used to be my VSB idol, somebody I looked up to on these e-streets. Now I see truly that ain’t nobody straight

      • SuperStrings

        Didn’t think anyone paid any attention to me. You know you can’t fully trust anyone with an Eye of Horus avi anyway. lol

    • NomadaNare

      SS this is you

      1. Ben Carson will be a better president than Barack Obama
      2. childhood vaccinations aren’t the best
      3. Swisher Sweets > Black & Milds
      4. Sunspots > anthropogenic climate change
      5. Meek Mill went hard at Drake

      • SS went full Troll Tide Troll

        • NomadaNare

          He really did I almost felt like he was gonna start praising the unmatched beauty of white women

      • SuperStrings

        LOL
        1. I’m convinced that the current Ben Carson is the beta prototype for a secret GOP funded mind alteration experiment. Stacy Dash and Raven Symone are versions 1.0 and 2.0
        2. Anti-vaxxers need to stay away my family
        3. I’ve got nothing; I’ve never smoked. I’ll go out on a limb and say (Swisher Sweets+Black & Miles)/Sweet Tea <<1 and effectively goes to zero in higher order expansions
        4. Don't underestimate the coronal mass ejections j/k
        5. My list wasn't this far-fetched

    • miss t-lee

      I can only agree with #7. The rest of this shiz? Boy…

    • Val

      “Bacon is wack”.

      Huh? That does not compute.

  • Madame Zenobia

    One time for Cream of Wheat. My GOD, you took me back with that. My grandmother made me the best Cream of Wheat EVERY morning when I was a kid. It was made to perfection. NOBODY could make CoW like she could. I don’t eat it now because I can’t make it like she could. But damn, I loved it. You Blessed me with this today. #memories

  • HeyBooHey

    I’ve only ever had and enjoyed my dad’s Cream of Wheat and Oatmeal and he must add in sprinklings of crack, one bowl will never do. It can’t be duplicated and he’s required to make me batches every winter when I visit NY, it’s that good. Otherwise, I don’t touch the stuff.

  • Andie

    Poor Big Sean. LOL.

  • I don’t understand. Grits over whatever the hayle other foods this piece is talking about. WTH is cream of wheat? It sounds like a disease that wheat gets.

    • ursanegro

      i’m going to need to revoke your black card for not knowing what cream of wheat is.

      what race would you like to be?

      • Child bye. I eat chitlins so me not knowing about some nasty grain abomination is irrelevant

    • Val

      It looks like a disease too.

  • Oatmeal > Grits > Cream of Wheat

    • 11thHour

      For me, it depends on the day. Sometimes, the grit hits harder than the oat but they both sit above the cream.

    • But what is Cream of Wheat?!?!?!??!!?!?! What is that???????

      • Idk I had it once at my grandma house… And she said it’s like Oatmeal, eat it

        • Can we stop talking about nasty breakfast chum and discuss this BMW 7 Series?!?!?

          It can pull into/out of parking spaces with the touch of a button!!!!!

          • I dont trust it, this is how Skynet wins

          • AlwaysCC

            whenever i talk to people about the appeal of bmw, they always reference the performance. doesn’t it defeat the purpose of having a performance car if you don’t have to drive it?! #idontgetit

            • Yes.

            • It’s a seggzy vehicle through and through. I’ve never owned one but they ride so smooth. The biggest issue I have is maintenance. I can’t afford to get it maintained because only certified BWM mechanics can touch it. No one else I know speaks German :-/

              • AlwaysCC

                don’t get me started on the maintenance costs. i know several folx who have/have had a bmw and i just can’t understand why they love them so much lol

                • PunchDrunkLove

                  Get an extended warranty. It will save you money and heart palpitations.

                  • AlwaysCC

                    lat i checked, the warranty doesn’t cover oil changes and the other regular wear and tear stuff. but i do always get the extended warranty when i buy a car. it’s ALWAYS been worth it and pays for itself in the end.

                    • PunchDrunkLove

                      Definitely worth it. The A and B services aren’t really that bad. The car will tell you when it’s time. I’ve been driving MBs the last 15 years and only once I had to pay 1800.00 for something gone wrong. Keep ’em serviced when it’s time and they won’t ever fail you.

                    • AlwaysCC

                      i’ve always preferred (in theory) mb over bmw. but my dad has been driving a mb for some years and i think my preference for being cheap is overwhelming me lol maybe once these crumb snatchers leave my house i will be able to seriously consider a luxury car.

                    • PunchDrunkLove

                      Got for it!! Getwhatchawantyouveworkedforit!

            • PunchDrunkLove

              Only a Benz will do.

              Edit

          • SuperStrings

            Saw a BMW i8 the other day. That joint was hot.

          • LadyIbaka

            Thank you!!!!!

          • miss t-lee

            I mean, this for people who can’t park?

        • miss t-lee

          CTFU.

    • BeautifullyHuman

      #teamoatmeal for the win!

  • Damon Young
    • AlwaysCC

      buahahaha first, kerry washington. then, don cheadle. now a petition to change your blog’s name??? you have definitely hit the big times #winning

      • Big Sean gonna collect his fade one of these days

    • What if in a parallel universe, you named this site singleblackmale what would trolls say if they couldn’t harp on “smart”

      • TeeChantel

        I’m so mad at you for that comment. Lol

    • TeeChantel

      People are ridiculous.

    • *signs immediately*

    • Reemo

      I don’t know who this fellow is who started the petition but now you gotta check the S H I T outta/light into him on GP.

    • Jennifer

      I cackled. Loudly. Print that petition and frame it on the wall next to your pictures of Pac and Biggie. This is an accomplishment.

      • Damon Young

        it is. i was impressed.

    • miss t-lee

      Dayum dawg. They really tryna get you outta the paint over the grits…lol!

    • YeaSoh

      Well Damon you brought this on yoself

    • miss t-lee

      Champie you gonna air out homeboy?

      • YeaSoh

        What’s so funny about it is he’s petitioning to the same person the petition is against- HAHAHA… I mean Champ and PJ are the only ones who can either enforce or IGNORE the petition…

        Nonetheless I’m SIGNING IT!

      • Champ needs to be like “Enjoy your summer.”

        • miss t-lee

          Yup…he’s gotta cue up some Spinners and put out a video.

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