gretchen

***before we get started today, i wanted to give a shout-out to the homie luvvie for spearheading the red pump project this week. all snark aside, that was some really good sh*t. ***

***flash back to the spring of 2003***

11:15: after some intense pre-gaming and skank ducking at arts, the champ and his crew of inebriated assh*les head to whiskey dicks, a fairly popular friday night spot in the burgh

11:30: just to confirm that they are in fact, inebriated assh*les, the champ and his crew of inebriated assh*les begin a three-man freestyle cypher while waiting in line, with each of us trying our hardest to find the most cleverly nasty way to incorporate “whiskey dicks” and “whiskey chicks” in a verse while simultaneously invoking disgust, amusement, appreciation, and intrigue from the women also in line. this tactic always works on wamo nights.

also, because we were listening to “diplomatic immunity” on the ride there, we each rhyme with a cadence eerily similar to juelz santana¹

11:47: the champ orders his customary two jack and cokes and does a solo walk through of the club, “taking attendance” because the champ doesn’t like surprises. the champ also doesn’t like guacamole, or racially ambiguous women. i’m not exactly sure how relevant any of this is, but i just thought i should share.

11:55: after the walk through, he orders two more jack and cokes, and chills at the bar. while doing this, the champ creates a scenario in his head where he’s the silent majority owner of the club, and then proceeds to lean back in his stool, slipping his jacks and watching the action with a detached air of subtle and self-righteous aristocratic bemusement. he stays in character for at least seven minutes².

12:01: the champ makes eye contact with chick who could easily pass for a lighter, hooder, version of nia long³. he approaches her. they introduce themselves (her name was “gee”).

they talk.

12:05: they talk some more.

12:10: they dance.

12:15: the champ takes the short break between songs as an opportunity to get gee’s number. the champ enjoys getting women’s numbers in the middle of packed dance floors, because it give him the opportunity to show everyone that he has a sidekick.

12:16: because of the noise level, the champ can’t really understand what she’s saying, so he hands her the phone to put her name and digits in herself. when finished, she hands the phone back to the champ, gives him a very nice hug, and goes back to chill with her girls.

12:18: before going to search for the rest of his crew of extremely inebriated assh*les, the champ glances in the phone to make sure she saved her info correctly, sess that “gee’s” full name was “gretchen”, and debates whether or not he was mentally, spiritually, and emotionally prepared to continue his life with a woman named “gretchen” in his address book.

12:20: sadly, the champ deletes the number.

ok, vsb…you’ve just read mine. now i want to hear yours. whats the shallowest, strangest, and most shamefully superficial reason you’ve ever had for dismissing a potential mate? we all got em, so no holier-than thouedness allowed today.

¹i’m at least 97 percent sure that i will regret admitting this publicly.
²the young champ was a strange drunk
³i realize that, with this description, i could have easily just said “she resembles pam from total“, but i wanted to find a way to incorporate nia long into vsb someday. congrats to me

—the champ

  • http://nextbigthing.blogsome.com Hostess

    A mole on his neck. Every time he talked it moved.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      @Hostess,

      A mole on his neck. Every time he talked it moved

      you didnt point and start screaming “molely, molely, molely” did you?

      • Me fail english?

        @The Champ,

        Someone did that to me at McDonald’s and my homegirl mushed him. Hahaha!
        (disclosure: I have a mole on my left cheek)

        • http://www.myspace.com/wudaman19 WuDaMan

          @Me fail english?,

          Pics please. Is it beauty mark or does it have hair growing out of it?

          • Me fail english?

            @WuDaMan,

            It’s a beauty mark, no hair! ewww. You can’t attach pics here can you? I don’t keep pics at work anyway

    • http://www.myspace.com/wudaman19 WuDaMan

      Hey Hostess

      I wanted to tell you I apologize for all the guff I throw @ you. I’ma quit it. Although I would like to know the exact points I may have offended or p. you o. Only to apologize specifically to you for em. From what I can remember. It was once when there was a discussion (I took that it was over when can you call yourself done and inept @ relationships) I apologize. The other time I remember was when (I generally called the people in your sister’s profession dumb) I apologize. Then there was the time I came against your starting a relationship advice I apologize. If there’s anything more I apologize. & I’ma try not to go there anymore. ‘But how do I know your not going to do it any more?’ I’m glad you asked. I found that the local Target sells my beloved Suzie Q’s and now everything is right w/ the world.

      • http://www.awesomelyluvvie.com Luvvie

        @WuDaMan,

        Umm… I think I officially need a WuDa Decoder ring. *perplexed*

        • http://www.myspace.com/wudaman19 WuDaMan

          @Luvvie,
          Stop it. This was to the Hostess check yesterday’s corn post. It esplaines a lil.

      • V Renee

        @WuDaMan

        methinks you have a little crushie poo on her. awwwwww that’s so cute :)

        • http://freetherapyorelse.blogspot.com Ms. Sula

          @V Renee,

          Me thinks so too. :)

          Awwwwwwww.

          • http://www.myspace.com/wudaman19 WuDaMan

            @Ms. Sula,

            Nah I was really unfair to her. N it wasn’t none of her fault. I lashed out. I was wrong.

            • http://nextbigthing.blogsome.com Hostess

              @WuDaMan, You thanks but uh, I have NO idea what you’re talking about. If I say, on my page, that I hate you, it’s just jokes. Seriously. Just because we disagree, I don’t carry beef.

            • http://www.myspace.com/wudaman19 WuDaMan

              @Hostess, Okay
              TY 4 respondin. So you don’t carry beef? Not even bison? What about the ground turkey or chicken? You ever had that good coarse ground pork taco meat… mmmm.

  • PrincesMo

    actually with the new knowledge of yesterdays post…a gold chain. Call me crazy but you guys might be onto something LOL!

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      @PrincesMo,

      i had no idea until yesterday of the widespread animus towards gold chains. who’d a thunk it

      • http://freetherapyorelse.blogspot.com Ms. Sula

        @The Champ,

        I am befuddled myself. What did gold chains ever do to people? :)

    • Toussaintthefree

      @PrincesMo, I refuse to retire my chain!! I can’t believe it’s that serious…A gold chain, C’MON!!

      • AkShone

        @Toussaintthefree,

        Lol, I’m sure there are SOME sistas that appreciate the gold chain…I’m sure they’re out there. For now just tuck it in, fam.

        • Toussaintthefree

          @AkShone,
          I always tucked it in, you wouldn’t know if I had it on, it ‘s more sentimental…but yall cold chicks wouldn’t understand…….

          * Turns head and sadly walks away*

          • http://lostwomanchild.blogspot.com/ blackberry molasses

            @Toussaintthefree,

            just so you know, not all chicks carry such disdain for the chain

            ooooh look at me, I rhymed!!!

            YAY Starbucks!

          • PrincesMo

            @Toussaintthefree,
            I guess i’m just afraid of the tool like/douchebaggy (not u of course;) ) ora that some gold chain wearers exude. I’m a punk i’ll admit it, but if its concealed under clothing you still have the chance to win me over lol

    • KatrinaME

      @PrincesMo, How about a gold tooth? Open-faced w/ a champagne glass cut-out. Ghetto. Fabulous.

      • PrincesMo

        @KatrinaME,
        Um omg if you ever encounter that tragedy run away screaming as fast as you can, and don’t look back, EVER. aesthetically challenged/ninjaliscious men and prostitutes have an ungodly superhuman ability to run with the swiftness, i’m not sure why -but don’t stop to ask any ?s, just book it lol

  • http://myspace.com/shatani shatani

    awwww, poor gretchen!!

    i’ll date a white dude, but i cant hang with a white dude that cannot accept that he is bald. if its shinyazz scalp on top and a ponytail on the bottom, just gone and keep it moving.

    oh, this one dude i couldnt deal with because i hated the sound of his voice. i couldnt tolerate it. i dont even have words to describe it, but i felt myself having violent urges whenever he spoke.

    • charli skipper

      @shatani,
      i’ll date a white dude, but i cant hang with a white dude that cannot accept that he is bald. if its shinyazz scalp on top and a ponytail on the bottom, just gone and keep it moving.

      _________________________________
      this ruined my whole life.

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

        @charli skipper,

        this is about as bad as the “mcnabb” (bald in the front, cornrows in the back)

        • http://theyounganddisenchanted.wordpress.com/ puff

          @The Champ,

          “mcnabb” (bald in the front, cornrows in the back)

          i can’t, not this early in the morning, with my egg-n-cheese sandwich awaiting me.

        • http://www.awesomelyluvvie.com Luvvie

          @The Champ,

          The McNabb could also be called “The Stevie”. Hairline & Forehead are strangers but got the nerve to have loc-braids (or “lo-raids”). Psht. His handlers don’t like him AT ALL!

          • http://presidentialtelevisionandfilm.ning.com Monk

            @Luvvie,

            I blame his handlers.

          • http://lostwomanchild.blogspot.com/ blackberry molasses

            @Luvvie,

            **gasping**

            not this again.. lo-raids… STOP!!

          • V Renee

            @Luvvie,

            Hairline & foreheads strangers – LMAO

            lo-raid – Hollering!

  • Resident GRitS

    …dudes wearing sunglasses indoors need not apply.

    (in the event it hasn’t been already, this should added to the list of cornball-beatitudes)

    • sisanda

      @Resident GRitS,

      hahahahah, lmafao

      Hey maybe his only constantly wearing those sunglasses cause he has a bright future (okay maybe that was a bit cheesy…but who cares right…guys right…cumm on now you know i wasn’t really trieng to pass that of as a smart response..)

      • http://www.awesomelyluvvie.com Luvvie

        @sisanda,

        “Hey maybe his only constantly wearing those sunglasses cause he has a bright future”

        *takes breath* BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO *gasp* OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

    • Ms.T

      @Resident GRitS,

      You hit the nail on the head! I can’t stand when men wear shades inside it is just stupid and grounds for their card to be revoked!

  • iloVEGrits

    Oh, I have a few of these. One of the most memorable:

    I met a really cute and seemingly smart guy at my favorite hang out. After trading numbers, unfortunately for him, he continued to chat me up: he talked my ear off and one thing I can’t stand is a yacking a$$ man.

    It wasn’t so much the talking as it was the juvenile nature of his convo. And the fact that he gave me 50 compliments in a 20 minute span. I find that annoying.

    I couldn’t get away fast enough. The nail in his coffin. He walked us to our car and asked, “Did you watch the BET awards last night?” as I put the car into drive. She and I collapsed into a fit of giggles. We couldn’t take it.

    He called for about 2 weeks before he got the hint that I wasn’t calling back.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      @iloVEGrits,

      He walked us to our car and asked, “Did you watch the BET awards last night?” as I put the car into drive

      lol…maybe he performed that night and shit and wanted you to watch.

  • osyeP

    I stopped talking to a chick because she told me was a Princeton football fan. Damn shame cuz she was bad too

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      @osyeP, that’s as good a reason as any. That’s like being a Colgate basketball fan

    • http://nianaturally.blogspot.com N.I.A. fabuloussince1982….

      @osyeP,

      LOL!! That’s a totally reasonable reason to stop talking to a someone, female or male.

  • I was wondering….

    I dismissed a really nice guy because he had a small hand. We clicked on so many levels and he was my type so many ways, but I could not get over one hand being noticeably smaller than the other. The thought of him rubbing the little hand against me just made me cringe. I eventually told him that we should just be friends. So shallow.

    • Maria

      @I was wondering….,

      piggy back w/ add on of dude that had sweaty hands…ewwww. can’t get down. sorry, next.

      • Maria

        @Maria,

        lmao, um like that white dude from Scary movie…all like, “take my hand” to girl dangling from window….

    • Resident GRitS

      @I was wondering….,

      (LOL and cringing at the same time)…I immediately think of the butler from Scary Movie 2. “Take my strong hand!”

      • http://www.awesomelyluvvie.com Luvvie

        @Resident GRitS,

        bwahahahahaha. That butler gave e the heebie jeebies

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      @I was wondering…., competely unreleted, but one of my boys has one arm and when he’d piss me off I’d tell him to clap. I’ve been a bad person

      • http://nianaturally.blogspot.com N.I.A. fabuloussince1982….

        @Panama Jackson,

        LMAO!!!!

      • YGB

        @Panama Jackson,
        you are so going to hell for that!

      • sisanda

        @Panama Jackson,

        hahahahahaha, get that onion outta ma face…haha…LMFAO!!

      • http://www.awesomelyluvvie.com Luvvie

        @Panama Jackson,

        Your Dereon for Men suit is awaiting you for your ride in Hell. Hope you like the smell of sulfur

      • luvtheshoes

        @Panama Jackson,

        I’m sorry but that has to be somma the funniest sh!t I’ve ever heard.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      @I was wondering….,

      welcome and sh*t (i think)

    • Yaa

      @I was wondering…., I cant stop laughing! I could totally understand this one though. I mean he becomes you man and you gotta buy two separate pairs of gloves…that would be annoying. LOL!

  • Maria

    long nails…don’t care if they’ve been kept up…you are a man, you shouldn’t have long nails/nail–creepy

    unkempt nails, dirty, grimey looking just finished playin in the dirt nails…(if your a mechanic, still wearin ur gear & just got off work, you might get a pass)

    jacked up teeth…extra tooth, missing tooth, tiny-baby teeth, confused- going-in-all-directions, scary fifty cent rabbit teeth…

    @ Champ “the opportunity to show everyone that he has a sidekick” I know you’ve shared your giddy-ness about ur that sideback, but wow-lol-pressed

    • ofloveandotherdemons

      @Maria,
      long nails…don’t care if they’ve been kept up…you are a man, you shouldn’t have long nails/nail–creepy

      Yeah, this freaks me out in general. I can’t even carry out a coherent conversation with a guy with *extra* nails, because I’m starring at the talons the entire time. Oh God, I think I just threw up a little.

    • http://www.myspace.com/chicanextdoor Miss Patterson

      @Maria, i personally can’t stand the long pinky nail. why? why?

      • YGB

        @Miss Patterson,

        Ya know! I thought only South African men partook in this foolishness. Wow at finding out this is a global pandemic!

        • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=73903598 Dom

          @YGB,

          Nah. I met a lot of NC dudes who have that too. Yuck!

        • malaika

          @YGB,
          Kenyan men too and boys its so icking disgusting!!!

      • http://lostwomanchild.blogspot.com/ blackberry molasses

        @Miss Patterson,

        ummm…. for snorting…. ummm… blow.

        at least that’s my *uninformed* guess

      • http://insidethemindofadeviant.wordpress.com/ Deviant

        @Miss Patterson,
        the long pinky nail is for the white. I knew “distributors” in college and they tell me thats what its for.

      • shay-d-lady

        @Miss Patterson, the long pinky nail is for the white I was just about to say..that was a sign when I worked in the strip club (as a waitress) that dudes was all about that powder makin them hyper….

    • charli skipper

      @Maria,
      i have a professor that has long nails. i find myself staring at his hands as he gestures in class, wishing he had a questions/comments box so i can anonymously tell him how gross they are. i might just make one myself and leave it in his chair.

      • YGB

        @charli skipper,

        Please do! Let that be your contribution to humanity!

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      @Maria,

      @ Champ “the opportunity to show everyone that he has a sidekick” I know you’ve shared your giddy-ness about ur that sideback, but wow-lol-pressed

      lol, it was 2003 and i was still in the only cat in the burgh with one.

      i was 24 too…and an assh*le

      • 8th Wonder

        well at least the 24 part is in the past.

        hehe.

    • Pretty Please

      @Maria,
      Yes!!! Long nails = instant dismissal!!! I almost feel bad about this, until I imagine them touching me… and then I feel nauseated.

      • Me fail english?

        @Pretty Please,

        I think men with long nails are either pimps or coke sniffers

    • http://www.awesomelyluvvie.com Luvvie

      @Maria,

      Yeah baby teeth on grown men makes me laugh. How are you 6’4 with chicklet grill? Its jus funny. And I’d laugh everytime I saw his teeth. And he’d get mad. Would be turrble.

  • JamaicanGirl

    Ok i have a few, first and foremost if you have a blue tooth headset attached to your ears in the club and approach me i will laugh in your face. I know it sounds mean but seriously who could you possibly be talking to in the club with the music as loud as it is.

    Secondly a grown man with braces, i just cant, especially if there colored. I gave this guy my number with braces out of common courtesy but i constantly ignore his calls. I mean he has sky blue braces, WTF!

    • Maria

      @JamaicanGirl,

      hmmm, the having braces as a grown person gets a pass from me b/c I understand that we all didn’t have access to health/dental care growing up.

      i actually give grown folks w/ braces some props for still caring enough to take care themselves as adults…(now if they have colored/bejeweled braces that’s kinda whack, cos they have clear braces these days…I don’t think the metals are grounds for dismissal…just bedazzled/blinged-out ones…)

      • http://k-unwrapped.blogspot.com K.

        @Maria,

        i currently have braces for the same reasons you mentioned…mama couldn’t afford them…but ain’t no way i would walk around w/ colors in my mouth. that’s what they make clear for. even though “clear” isn’t really clear but looks more appealing than metal/colors.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      @JamaicanGirl,

      welcome and sh*t.

      and, to me, rocking a bluetooth earpiece is definitely a “simon” commandment.

    • http://www.awesomelyluvvie.com Luvvie

      @JamaicanGirl,

      First of all, colored braces make the wearer’s teeth look perpetually slimy. If my future mini Luvvie ever needs them (which would be a first in my fam), she will not be allowed to be rocking no orange or blue braces. Just… NO

      On a grown man, I’d just have to hurt his feelings a lil as I stare at his mouf with one eyebrow raised. I wouldnt be able to help it

    • Yaa

      @JamaicanGirl, OK. I have never had braces but in all fairness. Maybe he is just able to afford them. Maybe he just got a great job with great dental insurance. I agree with you about the colored braces thing though.

    • http://ranting-auntie.blogspot.com/ Bajan Girl

      @JamaicanGirl,
      Yes!! the blue tooth thing grates on my very last nerve!! I mean really, in the club? you can’t hear them so why bother? In church??? you expecting a call from the Lord and you think He is going to call your cell??? really???

      • miss t-lee

        @Bajan Girl,
        There a lady at my church that always has her bluetooth on. I’ve never seen her without it, it always makes me laugh.

        • http://ranting-auntie.blogspot.com/ Bajan Girl

          @miss t-lee,

          it makes me think of that song “Royal Telephone” in a whole new light..

          what about when they leave the volume on and answer in the middle of service? that too me is just unacceptable (unless you are a doctor or EMT or something who is on call.. but still put it on vibrate)

          • miss t-lee

            @Bajan Girl,
            Exactly…
            I know the person i’m thinking of is not a doctor/EMT—she’s a hairdresser…lmao!
            Maybe a weave emergency may erupt? Who knows? haha

            • http://ranting-auntie.blogspot.com/ Bajan Girl

              @miss t-lee,

              CODE 10-52!!!
              TRACK DOWN! TRACK DOWN!

              okay I will stop now…. maybe…

            • miss t-lee

              @ Bajan Girl
              LMAO!!!!!!

          • http://thephiladelphianegro.blogspot.com/ ThePhiladelphiaNegro

            @Bajan Girl,

            Being an actual paramedic I can say that I don’t wear a bluetooth on duty much less in the club.

            Bluetooth + loud a$$ nightclub = pretentiousness

      • JamaicanGirl

        @Bajan Girl, Wow, not a call from the lord, funny stuff.

        I live in South Florida and i frequent a few Caribbean Party and these dudes are always wearing these dam headsets.

        I mean one dude in the mist of the club had the nerve to answer and was talking hella loud as the music abruptly stopped while he was shouting.

        That mess was too funny…

  • http://myspace.com/shatani shatani

    i saw this flyazz dude at the airport one day, he was all tall and chocolatey and he had loverly locs and i was all set to make him the new prototype, then i scanned down and saw he was wearing a yankees t-shirt. done and done.

    • Resident GRitS

      @shatani,

      …sh*t, was it clean?

      • http://myspace.com/shatani shatani

        @Resident GRitS,

        i dont even care.

        lmao! no real bostonian is gonna date a yankees fan…i mean stars have to align, there has to be a series of very fortunate events, and that person has to have all else being spectacular….

        • AkShone

          @shatani,

          What if he wasn’t an actual Yankee fan, but the shirt matched his kicks and sh*t?

          I could give a flying f*ck about the Yankees, but I have a Yankee fitted in my ensemble of fitted caps. It’s a hip-hop staple…guess it’s just me.

          • http://myspace.com/shatani shatani

            @AkShone,

            theres no excuse. cuz now, youre not yankees fan, youre just frontin….i wont say its worse, but its at least on par!

        • http://insidethemindofadeviant.wordpress.com/ Deviant

          @shatani,
          I Can understand that I wouldn’t touch a girl that wore Cowboys anything.

    • http://www.jarrodhalsey.com Jarrod Halsey

      @shatani,

      Respectable. F*ck the Yankees.

      • http://myspace.com/shatani shatani

        @Jarrod Halsey,

        say word!

        • Toussaintthefree

          @shatani,
          I have to agree…being from the BRONX, it would be a cold day in hell before I would date a boosox fan, I would take a eye out and cut my left n*t before I would offer a chick some ice…..GO YANKS!!!

          • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=73903598 Dom

            @Toussaintthefree,

            Methinks yall taking that ish a little too seriously. No way in hell Imma let the Sox keep me from some New Bootay…

            • Toussaintthefree

              @Dom,
              Your right,

              I lied

              I have tasted the nectar of the Sox, it was ok…

              “Forgive me, for I have sinned”

            • http://insidethemindofadeviant.wordpress.com/ Deviant

              @Dom,
              you must not really be into sports

            • http://myspace.com/shatani shatani

              @Dom,

              yeah, and thats a problem too….i dont know about a man who isnt a sports fan. i mean, not ONE sport?? you got NO team affiliations? i mean, even my gays are sports fans!

      • http://thephiladelphianegro.blogspot.com/ ThePhiladelphiaNegro

        @Jarrod Halsey,

        Efff the Yanks. Fo’ real.

        (World Champion) Phillies all day!!

    • http://lostwomanchild.blogspot.com/ blackberry molasses

      @shatani,
      This is completely reasonable. Really, I completly understand, appreciate, co-sign… yadda yadda…

      true fans of sports teams have the allegiance to an appropriate team as a REQUIREMENT of being potential bootay. Fandom behaviors speak to character, morals and heck, even sack abilities.

      I could see an Idris Elba doppleganger wearing Cowgirls para and it would turn my stomach and hurt my spirit all at the same time.

      • Resident GRitS

        @blackberry molasses,

        …damn. u got it bad.

        Idris?? who’s paying attention to what he’s wearing?

        • http://lostwomanchild.blogspot.com/ blackberry molasses

          @Resident GRitS,

          If he is wearing Cowboys para, I am. Sheeeit. I’m an Eagles fan til I DIE.

          No matter how fine he is, if he sings the praises of the FRBa (Former Resident Bitcha$$) T.O. or Tony Homo , HE GOTS TAH GO!