Theory & Essay

gretchen

***before we get started today, i wanted to give a shout-out to the homie luvvie for spearheading the red pump project this week. all snark aside, that was some really good sh*t. ***

***flash back to the spring of 2003***

11:15: after some intense pre-gaming and skank ducking at arts, the champ and his crew of inebriated assh*les head to whiskey dicks, a fairly popular friday night spot in the burgh

11:30: just to confirm that they are in fact, inebriated assh*les, the champ and his crew of inebriated assh*les begin a three-man freestyle cypher while waiting in line, with each of us trying our hardest to find the most cleverly nasty way to incorporate “whiskey dicks” and “whiskey chicks” in a verse while simultaneously invoking disgust, amusement, appreciation, and intrigue from the women also in line. this tactic always works on wamo nights.

also, because we were listening to “diplomatic immunity” on the ride there, we each rhyme with a cadence eerily similar to juelz santana¹

11:47: the champ orders his customary two jack and cokes and does a solo walk through of the club, “taking attendance” because the champ doesn’t like surprises. the champ also doesn’t like guacamole, or racially ambiguous women. i’m not exactly sure how relevant any of this is, but i just thought i should share.

11:55: after the walk through, he orders two more jack and cokes, and chills at the bar. while doing this, the champ creates a scenario in his head where he’s the silent majority owner of the club, and then proceeds to lean back in his stool, slipping his jacks and watching the action with a detached air of subtle and self-righteous aristocratic bemusement. he stays in character for at least seven minutes².

12:01: the champ makes eye contact with chick who could easily pass for a lighter, hooder, version of nia long³. he approaches her. they introduce themselves (her name was “gee”).

they talk.

12:05: they talk some more.

12:10: they dance.

12:15: the champ takes the short break between songs as an opportunity to get gee’s number. the champ enjoys getting women’s numbers in the middle of packed dance floors, because it give him the opportunity to show everyone that he has a sidekick.

12:16: because of the noise level, the champ can’t really understand what she’s saying, so he hands her the phone to put her name and digits in herself. when finished, she hands the phone back to the champ, gives him a very nice hug, and goes back to chill with her girls.

12:18: before going to search for the rest of his crew of extremely inebriated assh*les, the champ glances in the phone to make sure she saved her info correctly, sess that “gee’s” full name was “gretchen”, and debates whether or not he was mentally, spiritually, and emotionally prepared to continue his life with a woman named “gretchen” in his address book.

12:20: sadly, the champ deletes the number.

ok, vsb…you’ve just read mine. now i want to hear yours. whats the shallowest, strangest, and most shamefully superficial reason you’ve ever had for dismissing a potential mate? we all got em, so no holier-than thouedness allowed today.

¹i’m at least 97 percent sure that i will regret admitting this publicly.
²the young champ was a strange drunk
³i realize that, with this description, i could have easily just said “she resembles pam from total“, but i wanted to find a way to incorporate nia long into vsb someday. congrats to me

—the champ

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Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a contributing editor for EBONY.com. He lives in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes. Reach him at damon@verysmartbrothas.com. Or don't.

  • http://nextbigthing.blogsome.com Hostess

    A mole on his neck. Every time he talked it moved.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      @Hostess,

      A mole on his neck. Every time he talked it moved

      you didnt point and start screaming “molely, molely, molely” did you?

      • Me fail english?

        @The Champ,

        Someone did that to me at McDonald’s and my homegirl mushed him. Hahaha!
        (disclosure: I have a mole on my left cheek)

        • http://www.myspace.com/wudaman19 WuDaMan

          @Me fail english?,

          Pics please. Is it beauty mark or does it have hair growing out of it?

          • Me fail english?

            @WuDaMan,

            It’s a beauty mark, no hair! ewww. You can’t attach pics here can you? I don’t keep pics at work anyway

          • Me fail english?

            @WuDaMan,

            It’s a beauty mark, no hair! ewww. You can’t attach pics here can you? I don’t keep pics at work anyway

        • http://www.myspace.com/wudaman19 WuDaMan

          @Me fail english?,

          Pics please. Is it beauty mark or does it have hair growing out of it?

      • Me fail english?

        @The Champ,

        Someone did that to me at McDonald’s and my homegirl mushed him. Hahaha!
        (disclosure: I have a mole on my left cheek)

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      @Hostess,

      A mole on his neck. Every time he talked it moved

      you didnt point and start screaming “molely, molely, molely” did you?

    • http://www.myspace.com/wudaman19 WuDaMan

      Hey Hostess

      I wanted to tell you I apologize for all the guff I throw @ you. I’ma quit it. Although I would like to know the exact points I may have offended or p. you o. Only to apologize specifically to you for em. From what I can remember. It was once when there was a discussion (I took that it was over when can you call yourself done and inept @ relationships) I apologize. The other time I remember was when (I generally called the people in your sister’s profession dumb) I apologize. Then there was the time I came against your starting a relationship advice I apologize. If there’s anything more I apologize. & I’ma try not to go there anymore. ‘But how do I know your not going to do it any more?’ I’m glad you asked. I found that the local Target sells my beloved Suzie Q’s and now everything is right w/ the world.

      • http://www.awesomelyluvvie.com Luvvie

        @WuDaMan,

        Umm… I think I officially need a WuDa Decoder ring. *perplexed*

        • http://www.myspace.com/wudaman19 WuDaMan

          @Luvvie,
          Stop it. This was to the Hostess check yesterday’s corn post. It esplaines a lil.

        • http://www.myspace.com/wudaman19 WuDaMan

          @Luvvie,
          Stop it. This was to the Hostess check yesterday’s corn post. It esplaines a lil.

      • http://www.awesomelyluvvie.com Luvvie

        @WuDaMan,

        Umm… I think I officially need a WuDa Decoder ring. *perplexed*

      • V Renee

        @WuDaMan

        methinks you have a little crushie poo on her. awwwwww that’s so cute :)

        • http://freetherapyorelse.blogspot.com Ms. Sula

          @V Renee,

          Me thinks so too. :)

          Awwwwwwww.

          • http://www.myspace.com/wudaman19 WuDaMan

            @Ms. Sula,

            Nah I was really unfair to her. N it wasn’t none of her fault. I lashed out. I was wrong.

            • http://nextbigthing.blogsome.com Hostess

              @WuDaMan, You thanks but uh, I have NO idea what you’re talking about. If I say, on my page, that I hate you, it’s just jokes. Seriously. Just because we disagree, I don’t carry beef.

            • http://nextbigthing.blogsome.com Hostess

              @WuDaMan, You thanks but uh, I have NO idea what you’re talking about. If I say, on my page, that I hate you, it’s just jokes. Seriously. Just because we disagree, I don’t carry beef.

            • http://www.myspace.com/wudaman19 WuDaMan

              @Hostess, Okay
              TY 4 respondin. So you don’t carry beef? Not even bison? What about the ground turkey or chicken? You ever had that good coarse ground pork taco meat… mmmm.

            • http://www.myspace.com/wudaman19 WuDaMan

              @Hostess, Okay
              TY 4 respondin. So you don’t carry beef? Not even bison? What about the ground turkey or chicken? You ever had that good coarse ground pork taco meat… mmmm.

          • http://www.myspace.com/wudaman19 WuDaMan

            @Ms. Sula,

            Nah I was really unfair to her. N it wasn’t none of her fault. I lashed out. I was wrong.

        • http://freetherapyorelse.blogspot.com Ms. Sula

          @V Renee,

          Me thinks so too. :)

          Awwwwwwww.

      • V Renee

        @WuDaMan

        methinks you have a little crushie poo on her. awwwwww that’s so cute :)

    • http://www.myspace.com/wudaman19 WuDaMan

      Hey Hostess

      I wanted to tell you I apologize for all the guff I throw @ you. I’ma quit it. Although I would like to know the exact points I may have offended or p. you o. Only to apologize specifically to you for em. From what I can remember. It was once when there was a discussion (I took that it was over when can you call yourself done and inept @ relationships) I apologize. The other time I remember was when (I generally called the people in your sister’s profession dumb) I apologize. Then there was the time I came against your starting a relationship advice I apologize. If there’s anything more I apologize. & I’ma try not to go there anymore. ‘But how do I know your not going to do it any more?’ I’m glad you asked. I found that the local Target sells my beloved Suzie Q’s and now everything is right w/ the world.

  • http://nextbigthing.blogsome.com Hostess

    A mole on his neck. Every time he talked it moved.

  • PrincesMo

    actually with the new knowledge of yesterdays post…a gold chain. Call me crazy but you guys might be onto something LOL!

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      @PrincesMo,

      i had no idea until yesterday of the widespread animus towards gold chains. who’d a thunk it

      • http://freetherapyorelse.blogspot.com Ms. Sula

        @The Champ,

        I am befuddled myself. What did gold chains ever do to people? :)

      • http://freetherapyorelse.blogspot.com Ms. Sula

        @The Champ,

        I am befuddled myself. What did gold chains ever do to people? :)

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      @PrincesMo,

      i had no idea until yesterday of the widespread animus towards gold chains. who’d a thunk it

    • Toussaintthefree

      @PrincesMo, I refuse to retire my chain!! I can’t believe it’s that serious…A gold chain, C’MON!!

      • AkShone

        @Toussaintthefree,

        Lol, I’m sure there are SOME sistas that appreciate the gold chain…I’m sure they’re out there. For now just tuck it in, fam.

        • Toussaintthefree

          @AkShone,
          I always tucked it in, you wouldn’t know if I had it on, it ‘s more sentimental…but yall cold chicks wouldn’t understand…….

          * Turns head and sadly walks away*

          • http://lostwomanchild.blogspot.com/ blackberry molasses

            @Toussaintthefree,

            just so you know, not all chicks carry such disdain for the chain

            ooooh look at me, I rhymed!!!

            YAY Starbucks!

          • http://lostwomanchild.blogspot.com/ blackberry molasses

            @Toussaintthefree,

            just so you know, not all chicks carry such disdain for the chain

            ooooh look at me, I rhymed!!!

            YAY Starbucks!

          • PrincesMo

            @Toussaintthefree,
            I guess i’m just afraid of the tool like/douchebaggy (not u of course;) ) ora that some gold chain wearers exude. I’m a punk i’ll admit it, but if its concealed under clothing you still have the chance to win me over lol

          • PrincesMo

            @Toussaintthefree,
            I guess i’m just afraid of the tool like/douchebaggy (not u of course;) ) ora that some gold chain wearers exude. I’m a punk i’ll admit it, but if its concealed under clothing you still have the chance to win me over lol

        • Toussaintthefree

          @AkShone,
          I always tucked it in, you wouldn’t know if I had it on, it ‘s more sentimental…but yall cold chicks wouldn’t understand…….

          * Turns head and sadly walks away*

      • AkShone

        @Toussaintthefree,

        Lol, I’m sure there are SOME sistas that appreciate the gold chain…I’m sure they’re out there. For now just tuck it in, fam.

    • Toussaintthefree

      @PrincesMo, I refuse to retire my chain!! I can’t believe it’s that serious…A gold chain, C’MON!!

    • KatrinaME

      @PrincesMo, How about a gold tooth? Open-faced w/ a champagne glass cut-out. Ghetto. Fabulous.

      • PrincesMo

        @KatrinaME,
        Um omg if you ever encounter that tragedy run away screaming as fast as you can, and don’t look back, EVER. aesthetically challenged/ninjaliscious men and prostitutes have an ungodly superhuman ability to run with the swiftness, i’m not sure why -but don’t stop to ask any ?s, just book it lol

      • PrincesMo

        @KatrinaME,
        Um omg if you ever encounter that tragedy run away screaming as fast as you can, and don’t look back, EVER. aesthetically challenged/ninjaliscious men and prostitutes have an ungodly superhuman ability to run with the swiftness, i’m not sure why -but don’t stop to ask any ?s, just book it lol

    • KatrinaME

      @PrincesMo, How about a gold tooth? Open-faced w/ a champagne glass cut-out. Ghetto. Fabulous.

  • PrincesMo

    actually with the new knowledge of yesterdays post…a gold chain. Call me crazy but you guys might be onto something LOL!

  • http://myspace.com/shatani shatani

    awwww, poor gretchen!!

    i’ll date a white dude, but i cant hang with a white dude that cannot accept that he is bald. if its shinyazz scalp on top and a ponytail on the bottom, just gone and keep it moving.

    oh, this one dude i couldnt deal with because i hated the sound of his voice. i couldnt tolerate it. i dont even have words to describe it, but i felt myself having violent urges whenever he spoke.

    • charli skipper

      @shatani,
      i’ll date a white dude, but i cant hang with a white dude that cannot accept that he is bald. if its shinyazz scalp on top and a ponytail on the bottom, just gone and keep it moving.

      _________________________________
      this ruined my whole life.

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

        @charli skipper,

        this is about as bad as the “mcnabb” (bald in the front, cornrows in the back)

        • http://theyounganddisenchanted.wordpress.com/ puff

          @The Champ,

          “mcnabb” (bald in the front, cornrows in the back)

          i can’t, not this early in the morning, with my egg-n-cheese sandwich awaiting me.

        • http://theyounganddisenchanted.wordpress.com/ puff

          @The Champ,

          “mcnabb” (bald in the front, cornrows in the back)

          i can’t, not this early in the morning, with my egg-n-cheese sandwich awaiting me.

        • http://www.awesomelyluvvie.com Luvvie

          @The Champ,

          The McNabb could also be called “The Stevie”. Hairline & Forehead are strangers but got the nerve to have loc-braids (or “lo-raids”). Psht. His handlers don’t like him AT ALL!

          • http://presidentialtelevisionandfilm.ning.com Monk

            @Luvvie,

            I blame his handlers.

          • http://presidentialtelevisionandfilm.ning.com Monk

            @Luvvie,

            I blame his handlers.

          • http://lostwomanchild.blogspot.com/ blackberry molasses

            @Luvvie,

            **gasping**

            not this again.. lo-raids… STOP!!

          • http://lostwomanchild.blogspot.com/ blackberry molasses

            @Luvvie,

            **gasping**

            not this again.. lo-raids… STOP!!

          • V Renee

            @Luvvie,

            Hairline & foreheads strangers – LMAO

            lo-raid – Hollering!

          • V Renee

            @Luvvie,

            Hairline & foreheads strangers – LMAO

            lo-raid – Hollering!

        • http://www.awesomelyluvvie.com Luvvie

          @The Champ,

          The McNabb could also be called “The Stevie”. Hairline & Forehead are strangers but got the nerve to have loc-braids (or “lo-raids”). Psht. His handlers don’t like him AT ALL!

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

        @charli skipper,

        this is about as bad as the “mcnabb” (bald in the front, cornrows in the back)

    • charli skipper

      @shatani,
      i’ll date a white dude, but i cant hang with a white dude that cannot accept that he is bald. if its shinyazz scalp on top and a ponytail on the bottom, just gone and keep it moving.

      _________________________________
      this ruined my whole life.

  • http://myspace.com/shatani shatani

    awwww, poor gretchen!!

    i’ll date a white dude, but i cant hang with a white dude that cannot accept that he is bald. if its shinyazz scalp on top and a ponytail on the bottom, just gone and keep it moving.

    oh, this one dude i couldnt deal with because i hated the sound of his voice. i couldnt tolerate it. i dont even have words to describe it, but i felt myself having violent urges whenever he spoke.

  • Resident GRitS

    …dudes wearing sunglasses indoors need not apply.

    (in the event it hasn’t been already, this should added to the list of cornball-beatitudes)

    • sisanda

      @Resident GRitS,

      hahahahah, lmafao

      Hey maybe his only constantly wearing those sunglasses cause he has a bright future (okay maybe that was a bit cheesy…but who cares right…guys right…cumm on now you know i wasn’t really trieng to pass that of as a smart response..)

      • http://www.awesomelyluvvie.com Luvvie

        @sisanda,

        “Hey maybe his only constantly wearing those sunglasses cause he has a bright future”

        *takes breath* BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO *gasp* OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

      • http://www.awesomelyluvvie.com Luvvie

        @sisanda,

        “Hey maybe his only constantly wearing those sunglasses cause he has a bright future”

        *takes breath* BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO *gasp* OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

    • sisanda

      @Resident GRitS,

      hahahahah, lmafao

      Hey maybe his only constantly wearing those sunglasses cause he has a bright future (okay maybe that was a bit cheesy…but who cares right…guys right…cumm on now you know i wasn’t really trieng to pass that of as a smart response..)

    • Ms.T

      @Resident GRitS,

      You hit the nail on the head! I can’t stand when men wear shades inside it is just stupid and grounds for their card to be revoked!

    • Ms.T

      @Resident GRitS,

      You hit the nail on the head! I can’t stand when men wear shades inside it is just stupid and grounds for their card to be revoked!

  • Resident GRitS

    …dudes wearing sunglasses indoors need not apply.

    (in the event it hasn’t been already, this should added to the list of cornball-beatitudes)

  • iloVEGrits

    Oh, I have a few of these. One of the most memorable:

    I met a really cute and seemingly smart guy at my favorite hang out. After trading numbers, unfortunately for him, he continued to chat me up: he talked my ear off and one thing I can’t stand is a yacking a$$ man.

    It wasn’t so much the talking as it was the juvenile nature of his convo. And the fact that he gave me 50 compliments in a 20 minute span. I find that annoying.

    I couldn’t get away fast enough. The nail in his coffin. He walked us to our car and asked, “Did you watch the BET awards last night?” as I put the car into drive. She and I collapsed into a fit of giggles. We couldn’t take it.

    He called for about 2 weeks before he got the hint that I wasn’t calling back.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      @iloVEGrits,

      He walked us to our car and asked, “Did you watch the BET awards last night?” as I put the car into drive

      lol…maybe he performed that night and shit and wanted you to watch.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      @iloVEGrits,

      He walked us to our car and asked, “Did you watch the BET awards last night?” as I put the car into drive

      lol…maybe he performed that night and shit and wanted you to watch.

  • iloVEGrits

    Oh, I have a few of these. One of the most memorable:

    I met a really cute and seemingly smart guy at my favorite hang out. After trading numbers, unfortunately for him, he continued to chat me up: he talked my ear off and one thing I can’t stand is a yacking a$$ man.

    It wasn’t so much the talking as it was the juvenile nature of his convo. And the fact that he gave me 50 compliments in a 20 minute span. I find that annoying.

    I couldn’t get away fast enough. The nail in his coffin. He walked us to our car and asked, “Did you watch the BET awards last night?” as I put the car into drive. She and I collapsed into a fit of giggles. We couldn’t take it.

    He called for about 2 weeks before he got the hint that I wasn’t calling back.

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