Great Shower Sex, Relationship Karma & More Sh*t That Only Happens in Movies

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you aint fooling anybody

Bored to the point of anger while watching the Jets/Giants game Monday night, I channel-surfed until I found one of my favorite “oh-this-is-ons” (a term I just invented 55 seconds ago to describe movies you don’t like enough to make plans to watch, but do like enough to allow them to occupy 15-45 minutes of your time if bored), The Devil Wears Prada¹. If unfamiliar with the plot, it’s a coming of age story based on an autobiographical best-seller about a young woman (Andrea) who spends a year working for the boss from hell. Imagine Clockers with high fashion.

During the movie, Andrea’s work demands cause her douchey long-time boyfriend (Nate) to be progressively douchier, eventually culminating with him breaking up with her. As the movie progresses, she hooks up with a much less douchy (and much more successful and traditionally attractive) writer (Christian), a guy who’s been pursuing her for months.

But, the morning after sleeping with Christian for the first time, Andrea has a “this isn’t the type of person I want to become” epiphany, bounces on him, quits her job, and by movie’s end, tries to reconcile with the still super douchy ex.

Anyway, I’m bringing this up because This. Sh*t. Never. Happens...at least not in real life. In real life, Andrea would have thrown deuces to her douchey Applebee’s chef-ass boyfriend the first time he gave her sh*t for being 10 minutes late for dinner. And, while Andrea still might have a job-based epiphany, in real life she would have continued to see Nate, the soon-to-be millionaire writer.

As I mentioned in “The Buttefly Effect”, movies are famous for showing us stuff on screen that very rarely happens in real life. This is especially true in regards to dating, sex, and relationships, where even the most “realistic” movies are known to occasionally present acts or themes that don’t jive with reality. Here’s a few.

Great shower sex

You’ve seen it a million times. Two characters make love in the shower, and they bring themselves to dripping, steamy, never-been-reached-before orgasmic heights while KEM plays in the background and Jason Voorhees hides behind the bathroom door.

But (not even mentioning the easy joke about the obvious difficulties with having shower sex with black women), movies somehow fail to show the logistical nightmare shower sex really is.

Unless you want to play naked yoga Twister in the shower, doggy style only works if you and your girl are the exact same height. Picking her up is cool…as long as you don’t mind the increased likelihood of “busting your clumsy ass on the bathtub” potential.

When you combine this with the fact that water and shower humidity aren’t exactly the world’s best vaginal lubricants, movie shower sex is obviously nothing but a bunch of coital CGI.

A-hole karma

Pretty much every romantic comedy has a villain, an irredeemable person who intentionally does things to sabotage and stop the protagonist and the protagonist’s love interest from getting together (think Bradley Cooper’s character in The Wedding Crashers). By the end of the movie, though, the villain gets his comeuppance, it happens in front of an applauding audience (think Vince Vaughn punching Bradley Cooper in the church at the end of The Wedding Crashers), and everyone lives happily ever after (except the villain of course).

But, as much as movies would like to suggest otherwise, relationship karma doesn’t exist. We tell ourselves it does so we can go to bed knowing the girl who cheated on us with our second cousin is eventually going to get what’s coming to her. But, that doesn’t always happen. In fact, it rarely happens.

Sometimes people are (and will continue to be) completely oblivious to the pain they’ve caused others. Sometimes the villain gets the girl, marries the girl, and they live happily ever after as he continues his villainous ways with no real repercussions.  Sometimes the “good” guy gets his ass-kicked at the church. And, even if the villain doesn’t get the girl, he won’t care because he’ll probably end up with someone younger and better looking anyway. The only time he sees “Karma” is when it’s tattooed on the left ass cheek of a stripper who didn’t know how to spell “Kama Sutra”

“Surprise!!! I’m super hot!”

It’s always makes me laugh when movies put some drugstore bifocals and a pair of mom jeans on a Stacey Dash doppelganger, and then expect me to be surprised when she puts on a dress and is “all of a sudden” hot. It’s even funnier when it’s blatantly obvious the Plain-Jane is 1000 times better looking than the supposedly hot chick.

My favorite example of this is in Boomerang, when we’re supposed to believe that all of these men are lusting over a 72 pound Robin Givens instead of the Cosby-sweater rocking Halle Berry. The only thing more unbelievable than that was David Alan Grier’s reverse-gumby.

The Super-Duper Bad Break-up

Being exposed to a steady diet of sh*t like The War of The Roses, Waiting to Exhale, and Fatal Attraction led me to believe that all romantic break-ups were brutal bloodfeuds, replete with vicious insults, violent threats, hateful feelings, torn rabbits, microwaved weave, and white women.

I’m not saying bad break-ups don’t happen, but this faulty expectation left me ill-equipped and unprepared for real life, where the vast majority of adult break-ups occur while both parties still have generally positive feelings towards each other, a fact that occasionally turns this simple process into a prolonged lesson in passive-aggressive bitchassedness.

Anyway, people of VSB.com. I’m sure I’m missing a few. Can you think of anything that happens in movies but never, ever, ever, ever occurs in real life? On the flipside, is there anything about real life that’s you’ve never actually seen on screen?

The carpet is yours.

¹I know this is probably the most un-hetero sentence I’ve ever written, but you have to understand how bored I get watching preseason football. That sh*t is like watching soft porn in a hotel: Cool for 5 minutes, at least until you realize you’ve seen too much Mike Tirico. Wake me up when the Heat plays the Celtics.

—The Champ

332 thoughts on “Great Shower Sex, Relationship Karma & More Sh*t That Only Happens in Movies”

    • Good to return to the throne…. QUEENSBRIDGE!

      “Andrea would have thrown deuces to her douchey Applebee’s chef-ass boyfriend the first time he gave her sh*t for being 10 minutes late for dinner”
      This line killed me! I thought the same thing about dopey Adrien Brodey and his wack strawberries. I just didn’t think Simon Baker was that much better.

      This is a fun post Champ, great examples. “Surprise, I’m Super Hot” is the reason I #lowkey don’t wear my glasses in public. Movies had me on some Clark Kent type ish like they really took me down 3 points. I wasn’t aware till I got to VSB that some men find them attractive O_O

      To add to the list:
      - the speech the guy gives in front of your friends, family, and the rest of the patrons at Red Lobster/folks at the neighborhood block party/guests at your wedding to someone else about how sorry he is and how much he means to you and how the sun rises and set on your smile. And then everyone claps and you walk out with him into the sunset. What universe?

      - The total playboy cad pulls a 180 because the right women turned him around. Please stop perpetuating this lie, so women can stop trying to change these men. People change when they’re good and ready.

      I’ll think of some more later…

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      • the speech the guy gives in front of your friends, family, and the rest of the patrons at Red Lobster/folks at the neighborhood block party/guests at your wedding to someone else about how sorry he is and how much he means to you and how the sun rises and set on your smile. And then everyone claps and you walk out with him into the sunset

        if it’s a tyler perry movie this’ll occur in a church while he’s slowly walking towards the pulpit and holding back tears. also, the entire church will be completely silent, even though we know the only way to make an entire black congregation silent is to ask for new members

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        • ‘…even though we know the only way to make an entire black congregation silent is to ask for new members.’

          lolol…Geesh why did I ever stop reading you guys. This will not happen again.

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      • You mean Adrian Grenier from Entourage as the boyfriend… Adrian Brody is the guy with the big nose from “the pianist” and “cadillac records”

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    • Great shower sex does not exist like in the movies, only painful shower sex, and it is not as appealing as it sounds. Relationship karma doesn’t happen much either, and if it does, I’ll probably be too old to even care.

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      • Great shower sex does not exist like in the movies, only painful shower sex, and it is not as appealing as it sounds.

        yeah, man. all those years of cinemax sold me a lie. I feel like how the Native Americans must have felt when they realized the europeans weren’t joking about manhattan.

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      • First off I’m DEAD at Champs reply above.

        Okay since my boo said sex, that means he was calling me and thus started it (whaddup kb!) so I’m inclined to reply. Shower sex can be good for some things like when you two are showering together and the woman accidentally drops the soap or when it’s that time of the month, etc. It’s not all that bad but don’t get any soap inside her poon canal or you will sleep on the couch for a week cause THAT’s painful. You learned something today. You’re welcome.

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        • @SFG,

          Yes, I did call your name. I know I can count on you to provide an interesting prospective. I am caught in your trap so I may as well go in head first. Shower sex has sucked for me because I am tall and a shower feels like a confined space with two people in it. I need a little more room to manuever around. That soap in the canal part was funny. (Feel free to let that imagination of yours run wild with all that I just typed. :) )

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          • Since you said I could….
            1) you can go in head first anytime….anytime
            2) you can get caught in my trap and hang out for at least 15 mins
            3) shower sex sucked? okay that was too easy
            4) I’m sure you need plenty of room to manuever around however I only have tight spaces.

            *exhale*…you started it.

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            • LMFAO! Girl, you are hilarious. I actually thought you were going to something worst than that. I gave you plenty of ammo. I take full responsibility for starting it today. Your candidness really makes my day sometime.

              *sings Boogie On Reggae Woman*

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              • I know. I had something special I wanted to say about confined spaces but I would have been stuck in moderation and…people are watching. It makes my day too. It’s so theraputic to be able to say what I think online anonymously. ;) lol

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        • Shower sex is almost mandatory during that time of the month. Because otherwise it leads to laundry days being much more “colorful”….literally.

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  3. I definitely have one. Have you ever watched “The Notebook”? My girlfriend at the time made me watch that and I thought to myself “What idiot would wait around for years on end , and build her a house until she came back around after yall broke up”. I know many people that prolly would of kept trying maybe after a month or two but years? Only in movies….

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    • Ok, your comment sparked my memory.

      Titanic – In real life she would have effed Jack for sure, and gone back to her oppressive life with Billy Zane. OR he would have snatched her right out of that lifeboat, or at least asked her ass to scoot over. There was room for two, trick.

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      • Right. Surely that was a big enough door both of them. In real life a man wouldn’t sacrifice his life for a woman he just met yesterday.

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        • lol, the door thing bugs my sister to no end. She always says she’d be “ride or die” and be like, “Oh, nicca you gettin on top of this door with me”

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    • “What idiot would wait around for years on end , and build her a house until she came back around after yall broke up”. I know many people that prolly would of kept trying maybe after a month or two but years?

      lol, at a month. it real life, ol boy would have stopped laying bricks by lunchtime.

      welcome and sh*t, btw

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  4. Way to get in there Andi, congrats to you. :)

    Excellent post Champ, I always enjoy reading your posts and am eagerly awaiting when I can purchase and rock my I <3 VBS.com t-shirt.

    As far as things that happen in movies but never in real life:

    I am currently drawing a blank, but I blame it on my kids at work. I was *this* close to back handing a child on 4 separate occasions today. *Wooosah*

    When I can come up with some useful additions, I'll be posting.

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    • I am currently drawing a blank, but I blame it on my kids at work. I was *this* close to back handing a child on 4 separate occasions today. *Wooosah*

      lol, you could have put “good teachers” under things that only happen in movies.

      seriously though, i know how tough that can be. i never thought it was possible for a grown man to want to throw a phone book at a 15 year old kid until i entered the classroom. welcome and sh*t, btw

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        • How bout wanting to throw a 6 yr old thru a window. A closed one.

          i’ve definitely considered kicking a kid in a stomach. i even took the lunch period to think of a suitable excuse “i have tourettes of the foot”

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          • Excuse? Sometimes you don’t need to think of one. Simply saying, “Just LOOK at him” can be justification enough. I thought about using that line to justify pushing a child out of his chair. He was acting like borrowing was akin to deirivatives or something. I love my kids (most days) and probably shouldn’t call an 8 year old a dumb@as, but dumb@ss. Smdh.

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  5. You know what movie is an “Oh this is on” for me?
    The devil wears Nada. Best thing skinemax ever did for my funny bone.

    Shower sex happens with black women…it just happens the day before my trip to the domincans.
    You know what relationship NEVER happens in real life? Running into an ex when you’re looking good and walking with the next. And Nicki Minaj would admit her real age before you ran into an ex and ya’ll miraculously decided to forgo the other people you were with on the spot so that the two of you could get back together.
    Fckery in infinity.

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    • “Running into an ex when you’re looking good and walking with the next. And Nicki Minaj would admit her real age before you ran into an ex and ya’ll miraculously decided to forgo the other people you were with on the spot so that the two of you could get back together.”

      LOL. yeah, i’ve seen people try it, but they usually dont make it past the weekend.

      welcome and sh*t, btw

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    • Shower sex happens with black women…it just happens the day before my trip to the domincans.

      **********************CO-SIGN!!!!!!********************

      Those are some of the realest words my friend!!! As long as I know I’m getting my hair done the next day, it’s all good!!

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  6. I usually agree with you Champ, but I’m gonna disagree about the Shower Sex and Karma. Relationship karma doesn’t happen all of the time, but I’ve seen it happen a lot with guys (my ex’s, friends ex’s, etc…).

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    • I agree! Relationship karma definitely happens. I’m a strong believer in karma, its the only b*tch I f*ck with. lol I try to always do good, but I have been kicked in the arse by karma before because everyone slips up once in a while right? *shrugs*

      One thing that happens in movies and in real life, is cutesy boy meets girl moments. They don’t always end in relationships, but they definitely do happen!

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      • Yes Relationship Karma is real…although it may come back at you in different forms, i.e. losing a job, getting in a car accident that you caused, or having the next person treat u like crap.

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    • co-signing the Relationship Karma exists theory…I done seent it with my own eyes, and being the one who said “ain’t no good gonna come to you”-it was a lovely sight to behold #gotchaninja

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    • to all those disagreeing, is this karma you speak of, or just coincidence? asking because if karma happens, it should happen all of the time, right? i mean, ive seen good people get sh*tted on with nothing good ever coming back to them, and i’ve seen bad people do their dirt without consequence. where’s the karma there, or is there some karma lottery system somewhere i know nothing about?

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      • TRUST * KARMA is real, may seem random at times, but it does exist for all things, NOT just relationships, perhaps no one is telling you how they got effed up behind it….believe me e’rryone gets GOT…it’s the laws of the universe & sh*t

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        • TRUST * KARMA is real, may seem random at times, but it does exist for all things, NOT just relationships, perhaps no one is telling you how they got effed up behind it….believe me e’rryone gets GOT

          maybe they get got in the afterlife, but some people do make it through life scot-free

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          • Point taken- maybe they get got in the afterlife, however “but some people do make it through life scot-free” -on this you NEED more people…it may appear that way, BUT…just sayin

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          • Naw, Champ. Karma is real…it is on some “wait for it…” Sometimes it may take a while because a person’s comeuppance is JUST. THAT. BIG.

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      • I agree with the relationship karma’s non-existence. F*cked up sh*t happens to people because that’s life.

        I also don’t necessarily believe that all things done in the dark will come to light…..sometimes it just doesn’t. And sometimes you may have a night light on in the room, providing the tiniest bit of life. But it still doesn’t prove sh*t. A sack of clothes under the covers in the bed may truly look like a body. *(I realize the last sentence doesn’t really fit, but I wanted to use it. Sue me. Ha!)

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      • I don’t know whether karma occurs on a one to one basis. I’ve personally had some really beautiful examples of poetic justice (relationship-wise and not), so I tend to feel like everything will work out in the end, even if I’m not there to see the person get their just desserts. Many times I have been there, however, which makes the desserts even sweeter (pun intended).

        There are some times, however, when the only karma is that you didn’t END UP with the bad person and were free to move on to meet the real person you should be with. That’s your reward for suffering through their crap. And their punishment is that they didn’t get you. I’m almost positive they went through some negativity in their life too, even if you didn’t know about it.

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      • See karma does happen, but it usually comes wearing a strangers light. (sidenote…Floetry needs to get back together, like NOW) What I mean by that is that usually folks you know aren’t the ones who give it to you. It takes a stranger, someone you just met and don’t have to much knowledge of, to carry it out. Karma doesn’t work in the form of friends and family giving it to us because we already know them and (usually) can dodge the bullet with them.

        However, when you can’t predict what a person will do (i.e. a stranger) it’s much more likely that you’ll get f*cked over by them in a way you never saw coming.

        That, and karma rarely happens DIRECTLY after an incident. Folks would kinda be expecting that. It happens when you least expect it. I know from personal experience dogging folks out long ago…it will come back on you.

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        • My name is bajanflchick & I approve this comment , co em effin sign, when you least expect it, when you ain’t looking for it , it’s at you with the “KERPOW”

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  7. Relationship Karma does not exist, though I wish it did! However, this does not stop me from telling myself that the last a-hole of a dude I dated, will get what’s coming to him. “You’ll never find anyone as good as me!” Fact is, he’ll probably find someone who will tolerate his horrible attitude, suck up to him, and fry him bacon–naked in heels. DAMN, DAMN, DAMN!!!

    But really, whoever gets the relationship “villan” deserves him, you’re better off without him, even if he does think he’s winning, so are you

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    • But really, whoever gets the relationship “villan” deserves him, you’re better off without him, even if he does think he’s winning, so are you

      good point. welcome and sh*t, btw

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    • “But really, whoever gets the relationship “villan” deserves him, you’re better off without him, even if he does think he’s winning, so are you”

      Oooh, good point.

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    • But really, whoever gets the relationship “villan” deserves him, you’re better off without him, even if he does think he’s winning, so are yoU .

      And this is what it boils down to.

      Besides no matter how effed up things may become, I still want the best for people. With myself at the top of the list.

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  8. To piggyback off your shower sex suggestion, I’m gonna add pool sex to the mix (I’m looking at you Showgirls…lol). *side eye*

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  9. Hey Champ, I agree with the entire post except Relationship Karma. It’s happened to me. The Creator never lets me get away with wronging someone.

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    • Hey Champ, I agree with the entire post except Relationship Karma. It’s happened to me. The Creator never lets me get away with wronging someone.

      was that karma or coincidence?

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  10. What happens in movies and not in real life? Ninjas dying in movies on some go with the flow, following 2520′s, stupid anti-survivor ish. Actually, we are the ultimate survivors. Sorry, but in many cases we got a 2nd sense about things and we will break out before we are caught in the woods overnight awakening the resurrected axe murderer. We are not tempting fate and flying in a snowstorm, going in the cave that says “do not enter”, or giving a flying fluck if you dare us to do anythang. We will fight yo’ a*z before we let you punk us or talk us into doing anything that is gonna get us killed. One movie had it half-way right when the teens went in a hunted house. The one token black teen said, “My father is a preacher and I know about this stuff and I’m out.” Half the movie he was outside the haunted house trying to climb the fence while demons wrecked shop inside. On some b.s. some demon bit him while finally figuring out how to climb the wall and escape. e_O . He woulda’ been good if he didn’t let Becky, who went in the house and didn’t listen, go over the wall before he did. (“Effin around with them white girls”-Chris Rock)

    If you ask yourself honestly IRL, black folks smell danger in the air like fresh brewed coffee. Will a person get caught up by b.s like a drive-by or beef in a club…maybe. B.S. like giving a shark advanced brain capabilities and being bit by that mug. No.

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  11. Shower sex isnt great? What’s the opposite of co-signing because that’s exactly what I need to do up in hea! I am currently a virgin, but back in the day when I wasn’t, shower humpin’ was fantastico. I also had natural hair so I wasn’t worried about messing up the do :)

    Things that wouldn’t happen in real life: I’ll be damned if I fall while running in heels from a man in a ski mask wielding a machete. I’ll also be damned if my car suddenly, out of nowhere, doesn’t want to work while the ski masked villain is still chasing me with a machete.

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    • Who said Sistas(natural &relaxed hair) don’t like shower sex/foolin’ around..I’ve heard some awesome stories
      Also that scary movie ish with the 2520 screamin her arse off running towards danger LOL
      -Tyler Perry films…wth..especially the random ass endings most of his movies I’ve seen fill as if scenes were missing, he should stick to plays, although it’s some coonery, as a southerner I can relate/laugh at Madea/Brown..also props for Aaron McGruder having the balls to make a parody episode!!!
      -Disney/Romantic Movies..that have effed up a millions of people’s expectations

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    • “I am currently a virgin, but back in da day when I wasn’t”

      OMG, take me now Jesus cuz I’m DEAD
      X_x

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      • @Anastasia,
        Lol. Thanks for that. i was thinking the same thing when i read that and thought it must be one of those things that only happens in movies and not in real life.

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      • “I am currently a virgin, but back in da day when I wasn’t”

        Dead & Gone!

        My funeral will be held next week at the New Hope Shiloh Baptist Apostolic United Methodist Church of the Way.

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    • ummmm…..lol @ your wishywashy virgin status thank God I’m not the only one that does that

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    • suga- “am currently a virgin, but back in the day when I wasn’t, shower humpin’ was fantastico”- I do believe that this is currently the funniest, most Incongruous comment that I shall see here today…

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    • I absolutely abhor Love Jones, so I’m loving this comment so much that I’m gonna make it a porterhouse steak dinner. :-D

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      • The funny thing is, I actually like it, along with all the other completely unrealistic black romance movies: Love & Basketball, The Best Man, The Wood…in other words, anything not done by Tyler Perry ;-)

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        • The Best Man would/should have ended in at least two murders, possibly a murder suicide. There is no way possible for homeslice to marry ol girl after she gave up the goods to his best friend. My best friend would put a price on my head for doing that. He would be on youtube telling people that he would give them one-hundred meelion dollars if I gave his baby that good joog.

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          • “Nicca I am a Pimp, so my future looks bright!” Terrance Howard stole the movie from Tayorris Chestdiggs.

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          • “The Best Man would/should have ended in at least two murders, possibly a murder suicide. There is no way possible for homeslice to marry ol girl after she gave up the goods to his best friend.”

            i agree. plus, it wouldnt have even gotten to that point because in real life dude would have found an excuse to not even come to the wedding (or, in real life dude wouldn’t have even put that part in the book.)

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            • Co-sign! Ain’t no way he woulda stayed best friends all that time w/ Lance, knowing he screwed Mia and liked it! It would’ve been fade to black on that friendship a long time ago.

              And then, I do believe he would have put it in the book.

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  13. Oh and on the romantic tip…folks waking up looking perfect with make-up on and kissing first thing in the morning doesn’t happen in real life. Someone’s hair isn’t destroyed? No one needs to gargle? No one has sleep in their eyes. Come on….Atleast one time have the couple wake up from some wild monkey luvvin’ lookin’ deservedly busted (if it is good, you should look a lil’ broke off).

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    • Ummm…not that I know this from personal experience but… (non-natural) sisters know how to sleep so that their hair looks pretty decent in the morning. It’s not an every night method, but if it’s a first time sleepover, and a woman is still in the “I am perpetually cute and never use the restroom phase” of things, it is doable.

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    • legitimate_soul- I am so wichu on this, “No one needs to gargle?”- morning breath is so NOT chexy..

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    • I thought men didnt care how the hair looked in the morning. The more messed up the better. Here I am thinking that the he beat the bricks off da p**sy was sexy and turned a man back on.

      ***always keep 5 gum on the nightstand (for that early morning dragon) and the condom under the pillow (stay prepared)

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    • folks waking up looking perfect with make-up on and kissing first thing in the morning doesn’t happen in real life.

      Agree with the make-up on part… but disagree with the kissing… I kiss with the foul mouth et al… It’s sessy. :)

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      • ^Truthfully, I have too. Love is a helluva drug….Although it isn’t ideal, showing a couple on camera dealing with this would be great, lol! Even if they have Listerine strips on the nightstand.

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  14. I somewhat thought about this subject the other day, so this is right on time. It seems like in most black movies not directed by Tyler Perry, a good guy/main character has to die. Boyz N The Hood: check. New Jack City: check. Juice: check. Cooley High: check. Cornbread, Earl, and Me: check. Menace II Society: check. Bamboozled: check. Set It Off: check. Do The Right Thing, Dead Presidents, Beat Street (I just said the movie was black, not that the characters had to be)…I mean, dag. Even TP went this route in WDIGM2. I know we all have foulness going on in the hood, but death isn’t all that common – at least not in Florida.

    Something that happens in real life that never happens in movies…well, I’ll go off the beaten path and say this never happens in any form of entertainment. I can’t think of a movie or TV show that has anything to do with black people in graduate school. Shoot, anyone else either. People who have obviously have some post-baccalaureate education, yes. In that struggle at the time? Nope (take this with a grain of salt, as I mostly watch pretty news anchors and sports-related programming). Personal views nonwithstanding, I think it’d be good to see something like that. It is a part of life.

    And baseball is a sports fan’s friend. Watching continuous MLB (and those pretty anchors alluded to earlier) is the only thing that’s kept me from being literally sick of Brett Favre and LeBron James.

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    • lol sad but true about all the ninjas dyin in movies makes me think of the Wayans movie “Don’t Be a Menace to South Central LA while Drinkin’ Yo Juice in Da Hood”…LMBO classic, but A DIFFERENT WORLD and “ratchett” College Hill/Black real world ( did they ever go to class, I just saw the hookups and fights, but thats part of life..it’s funny how “everybody” watche(s)(d) JERSEY SHORE, but condem Young Black adults partyin’ on tape, cause it’s embarassing….smh..all we have with Young Black Adults in School…No Ged..but an actual High School Diploma..that would make a fye ass sho!

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      • Yall didn’t get the memo? There’s a two month time period from when a movie is released that you have to watch. After that, all bets are off.

        I haven’t seen it either. But I also haven’t seen WDIGM1 and have no plans to see either. Lol

        Reply ↓

        • The rule is 2 months from release of the DVD. The DVD doesn’t come out until next Tuesday. (I’m not one of those that felt it necessary to spend $59 to go see this in theatres) This definitely was a spoiler.

          Reply ↓

          • You are not missing much… And no I haven’t watched the movie and do NOT intend to. I just know in my heart that you’re not missing much. :)

            Reply ↓

    • “Something that happens in real life that never happens in movies…well, I’ll go off the beaten path and say this never happens in any form of entertainment. I can’t think of a movie or TV show that has anything to do with black people in graduate school.”

      This is not entirely true. On “The Game”, Melanie is in medical school and they often explored her struggles with her studies and paying tuition. #ilovethisshow

      Reply ↓

      • _the game_ they even explored her liason with the doctor she was following and how it messed up her “thing” with derwin…cant wait for that to come back

        Reply ↓

      • This is not entirely true. On “The Game”, Melanie is in medical school and they often explored her struggles with her studies and paying tuition. #ilovethisshow

        the game is kind of like the wire where neither of those shows have casual fans. either you never watched it, or you think it’s the best that’s every been on tv (which proves to me that the people who feel that way about the game have obviously never watched the wire)

        Reply ↓

        • you are going to stone me for this, but i netflixed the wire, and i just can’t get into it. i even bent my 10 min rule (i give something 10 minutes to grab my attn, if it can’t do that i don’t watch/read it) for this show (watched an entire epp). its just not doing it for me

          Reply ↓

        • I am a casual viewer of The Game, as in I catch it in reruns when I notice it’s on. I haven’t seen 1/2 of the shows, but I still like it and one day may actually catch ‘em all (Pokemon).

          That said, I flove The Wire. It is the best show to ever grace the airwaves, the only other one that comes close is Arrested Development and luckily they aren’t in the same category.

          Reply ↓

        • “which proves to me that the people who feel that way about the game have obviously never watched the wire”

          I really got into The Game during BET syndication so while I do like it a lot, yeah, I’d NEVER say it was the best that’s ever been on TV. Not when The Wire exists. Hayle naw.

          Reply ↓

          • I don’t even think The Game is close to being the best of anything… I actually like the show BUT it was not the best acted and didn’t have the best story lines… however, I could relate to it and it was a cute “brain candy” type show i.e you check it out, get entertained, and move on to the next thing…

            Hope they really bring it back just for the “relatable” factor…

            Reply ↓

        • “the game is kind of like the wire where neither of those shows have casual fans. either you never watched it, or you think it’s the best that’s every been on tv”

          Yea I’ve noticed this, I’ve never seen the wire *ducks so as to avoid stones* and I’ve barely watched the Game. Whenever I’ve watched the Game it seems like the women were always doing some dumb stuff then complaining how they effed up their relationship. Seriously!? I’m sure I need to watch it all from the beginning to understand the flow and why these ladies did this dumb stuff. But eh, its not that serious. I’ll put myself on game about the wire one of these days…*shrug*

          Reply ↓

    • In my opinion Halle can’t act, the only movies I enjoyed her in were “There Eyes Were watching God” “The Perfect Stranger” and “Losing Isaiah”…but I love that movie Boomerang, wish there where more nonTyler/IcecubeSingleton movies or this generation about Black people..com’on Spike gotta do somethin;..She Hate Me was verrry interesting and typical random/add spike lee ish

      Reply ↓

      • i do believe you forgot one.

        “I’s niggra. I’s niggra!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [insert a*s whoopin here]”

        queen will always be in my list o’classics.

        Reply ↓

  16. Shower sex is good, you just need a chair. Yes, a chair.

    Karma does happen. I once had a boyfriend cheat on me. He got robbed two weeks later. Karma. Don’t care what you say. IT WAS KARMA AT WORK!

    I am not the antichrist.

    Reply ↓

    • How do you know it was karma at work? if he got robbed because of karma, then it was karma for him having robbed someone else in the past, no?

      Reply ↓

      • then it was karma for him having robbed someone else in the past, no?

        Naw. This isn’t physics, there isn’t an equal and opposite reaction here. At best it’s metaphysics at play. I think of karma as a running balance. You do good things, you get a credit, you do triflin’ things, you get a debit. You keep a positive balance, good things have a tendency of happening. You runnin’ in the red, well, bad things have a tendency to happen.

        Karma is cumulative.

        Reply ↓

        • I’m in moderation? Get the hell out of here. I guess that’s karma for the strip club last night since I’m relatively hangover free. SMH.

          Reply ↓

        • “Karma is cumulative.”

          I really like this! Especially since I tend to roll my eyes when I hear people after a break up say “Karma will getcho azz”. As I stated before, f*cked up sh*t happens to people all the time. “Good” people and “Bad” people.

          Reply ↓

      • Honestly, I don’t care why it happened, I’m claiming it to make myself feel better. Don’t care what you say.

        But yea, Karma isn’t always tit for tat, that’s why people miss it.

        Reply ↓

  17. I also disagree with the Boomerang example. I went to a Black College that was notorius for having a large percentage of beautiful women and sexy, confident 7′s with game got WWWAAAYYY more play than naturally beautiful, humble, non-descript 9.5′s. My best friend in college looked like a broke down a$$ Whitney Houston (wig, size 0 and all) and had the finest men on the yard. Her Game was Strong and she eventually married a wealthy, handsome pastor and was engaged to a 10 when she met him, and took him.

    A Pretty face does not trump great game and good pu**y

    Reply ↓

    • lol…idk beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and personality is great in all, but I believe that some/most guys just get with whose gonna give em some, or maybe don’t want “prettygirl problems” or wanna deal with a really pyt, so they settle for a physically less attractive chick, so they won’t have to deal with the DAYUM Shawty fine as __ quotes every 8sec when they are walking campus

      Reply ↓

    • True but in that movie you can’t deny that Robin Givens not only had game but also was more attractive than Halle in that movie.

      Reply ↓

      • I agree hehe. My favorite part is when she went to Marcus’ house looking “Casually Fine” and watched football, and ate popcorn all night! I used to do that ninjas #reminiscing

        Reply ↓

      • I’m sorry, but Robin didn’t look that good in Head of the Class and she’d already played Mike Tyson’s puppeteer by the time Boomerang came out (which took away all hope of her looking attractive: personality counts…like it eventually did to Marcus). Halle already had momentum from The Last Boy Scout and Strictly Business. She hadn’t caught Paula Abdul yet, but she was gaining fast when Boomerang hit screens. Robin vs. Halle was never in doubt during that movie. I kept wondering how Halle got stuck with Antoine Merriweather.

        Reply ↓

      • True but in that movie you can’t deny that Robin Givens not only had game but also was more attractive than Halle in that movie.

        she wasn’t, though. the dress stretch pants look just never did it for me

        Reply ↓

    • “I also disagree with the Boomerang example. I went to a Black College that was notorius for having a large percentage of beautiful women and sexy, confident 7?s with game got WWWAAAYYY more play than naturally beautiful, humble, non-descript 9.5?s.”

      hmmm. since you’re a woman, your opinion about what constitutes “7″ and “9.5′s” doesn’t matter. sorry, but you need more people. and by more people, i mean some men to co-sign.

      Reply ↓

  18. Glad you brought up Boomerang cause the scene where Eddie is about to do the do with Robin and turns her down cause he loves Halley makes me mad
    That ish NEVER happens in real life
    If a man has a hot willing female in front of him, he’s not going to get undressed, get in bed, and then go “Wait…we can’t.”
    Now he might be remoresef afterwards….

    The whole entire series of Nip/Tuck is an example of ish that only happens on TV

    That is all…for now.

    Reply ↓

    • Yup. Especially how Matt had sex with a tranny, then his Luke, I am your father did too, and then the tranny comes BACK with a baby with lesions, doesn’t want him after surgery and Matt, the tranny and HIS daughter (whose mother committed suicide) go off into the sunset.

      AND THESE ARE THE PEOPLE WHO CREATED GLEE?!?!?!?!?!?!

      Crazy bastards.

      Reply ↓

    • This touches on the previous post about having game right? He would turn Robin down , not because he loved Halle, but to “neg” Robin. And she’ll be all like “Whaaaat! I’m fcukin hot. Why is he turning me down???”
      Guaranteeing him both women for life… Halle-because he left nekkid ass Robin’s bed. Which of course he will let her know. Probably daily.
      And Robin-because she will be trying to prove to herself she is still desirable. Damn, Damn, DAMN!

      Reply ↓

    • i beg to differ re the scene where robin is turned down by eddie.

      happened to me 2x by same guy. sir pursued ME. and then he was all like omg i cant do this, i love her. and i said “why you here wasting my time?” he said “i don’t know” almost cried and i called him a p**sy in my head

      Reply ↓

      • the_girl- *e-hugs & teardrop for you on this, and twice ! Dayum, you good, this may have led me to have caught a case* or at minimal be stirrin up some grits on the stove *woo sah moment for real

        Reply ↓

      • happened to me 2x by same guy. sir pursued ME. and then he was all like omg i cant do this, i love her. and i said “why you here wasting my time?” he said “i don’t know” almost cried and i called him a p**sy in my head

        you sure it wasn’t because of some scent issues down there?

        Reply ↓

        • @The Champ

          “you sure it wasn’t because of some scent issues down there?”

          I spit out my water on this one!! WOW!

          Reply ↓

        • nah booboo. i keeps everything straight down there. he was all like i LOVE her and we’ve been together for sooo long. i was like you fail at life.

          also champ you aint no good…

          Reply ↓

    • I was thinking of “I Think I Love My Wife” when Chris Rock was all set to smash Kerry Washington and then changed his mind @ the last minute. Yeah right, IRL ninjas (especiall ones who think they got an excuse, i.e. my wife doesn’t put out) smash first, repent later.

      Reply ↓

      • How about Kerri Washington’s character being WILLING to get w/ Chris’ character in the first place, LOLOL

        Reply ↓

  19. The thing that always bugs me about the shower scenes is the perfectly even distribution of water for both parties. Equal coverage does not exist in a two person shower situation…especially if one of the parties is significantly bigger than the other. Somebody is gonna be a little colder…is what I’ve been told.

    Also,though I’m not a dude, I definitely bought Marcus choosing “femme” Givens over “cute” Berry. C’mon! The big hair, the spandex horse-riding hot pants, the bourgie mystique. She had it all…

    Other things that don’t occur in real life but happen *all the time* in movies:
    1) the perfectly-worded final or significant phrasing in an argument with a friend or lover. I always choke up, go radio silent, or burst out with a weird stream-of-consciousness jumble of nonsense when I’m overcome with (angry/frustrated) emotion. They’re always so eloquent and articulate in their arguments, even when they’re trying to come off as flustered or verklempt.

    2) the dude (and I use this term in a gender-neutral way, but not really) who stops an extramarital act *mid-coitus*, overcome with guilt and the knowledge he must suddenly, after two hours of pure @ssholery, atone and do right by the woman who has been at his side all along. It happens all the time…in Hollywood. In real life, the dude finishes up, then realizes his folly and feels the guilt, tells his friends who then tell him *not* to say anything, and *then* puts it all behind him, having (presumably) learned his lesson.

    Reply ↓

    • 1) the perfectly-worded final or significant phrasing in an argument with a friend or lover

      lol, i thought about adding this actually. people always have the perfect comebacks and the perfect opportunity to say the comeback in movies. in real life, you’re lucky if your comeback is a step up from “you’re stupid”

      Reply ↓

  20. yo you really need to stop with the movie spoilers. I ain’t seen devil wears prada yet, nor have I read the book yet!!!! disclaimers. use em.

    Reply ↓

  21. I’ve had “pretty good” shower sex quite a few times, and reached “great” shower sex once before. I will admit that “great” shower sex did come at a risk of her almost passing out from the steam…it was worth it tho.

    Reply ↓

    • I never thought great shower sex was that difficult – as least not for VSBs. Simply face the back of the shower with the VSS in front. No wet VSS hair and we VSBs get the hot water.

      Also, a cautionary tale from a long time ago: missionary in a bathtub = no bueno.

      Reply ↓

      • I never thought great shower sex was that difficult – as least not for VSBs

        its the wetness thing (wate’s rough on a vagina) and the positioning thing. basically, if you’re more than 5 inches taller than a chick, you’re going to have to do a half squat the entire time for it to work

        Reply ↓

        • Re: wetness…that’s why the VSB blocks the water.

          Re: height difference…it depends on how flexible the VSS is (if she can touch her toes, you’re straight) and how often you switch positions. If she lets you pick her up, there’s always wheelbarrow. And when all else fails, there’s reverse cowgirl – especially if she can squat.

          The shower is the place where you try and think of, come up with, and use as many positions as possible. After all, necessity is the mother of invention.

          Reply ↓

  22. I mean I’ve pretty much only had movie-type bad breakups. Sure, some tears were also had over the phone, but the dramatics? I’ve had them. However, I probably watch too many movies and TV. So that explain that. This is also why I haven’t been in a relationship in a verylongtime.

    Reply ↓

    • Me too Liz. I grew up with Big Momma and dem watching “stories” so I didn’t believe a man loved me, during my early relationships, unless there was some All My Children, Erika Kane type drama going on. Soap Operas and Harelquin Romance Novels are why I’m not married now.

      Reply ↓

  23. “but you have to understand how bored I get watching preseason football.”

    It’s nothing to be ashamed of; there are only two types of people who don’t get bored watching preseason football:

    1. Those who watch for wins and losses, thinking that a game in which real players play for only a handful of drives actually has some sort of predictive value to regular season success (read: Redskins fans)

    2. College football junkies like myself who watch for their favorite college players since this is the only time they’ll be seen due to their complete lack of NFL skill (hello, Troy Smiths, Brett Basanezs, Garrett Wolfes, and Vince Halls of the world).

    Reply ↓

    • There’s a third group: fantasy football players. Watch how many people grab that Cruz dude a couple rounds higher – and y’all can stop with the side eyes, y’all know what I’m talking about – off his MNF performance.

      Not that I even play, but I figured I’d speak for the possibly under-represented minority.

      Reply ↓

    • I’m in the minority too, I guess. I’ma chick who is so ready for football, that I will watch preseason games just to get a fix of man candy before the season starts. I know I’m not alone…:-D

      Reply ↓

  24. Chris Rock passing on piping Kerry Washington in I Think I Love My Wife was the most unrealistic thing I have seen in a film.

    I have a hard time buying most sitcom marriages. The most difficult to buy was Florida and James Evans.

    Speaking of Florida, her passing on all those opportunities to make some money and get her kids out of the projects was always difficult for me to buy.

    Reply ↓

    • Chris Rock passing on piping Kerry Washington in I Think I Love My Wife was the most unrealistic thing I have seen in a film.

      Cosign…totally unrealistic. I mean, you take the drawls off THEN decide to have an epiphany?? Not gonna happen…

      An added unrealistic situation occurred in The Best Man when ol’ boy impressed the stripper (Regina Hall) with some 20th century literature, then decided to bring her to the wedding the next day. Suspended disbelief my a$$…

      Reply ↓

      • I cosign chris rock/kerry washington deal. In real life, you hit and enjoy the guilt too after.
        #judgeidontcare

        Reply ↓

    • That reminds me of Idris Elba in Obsession. My gay husband yelled LIES after he kicked the white girl out his car. Never in real life would that happen. Mandingos love white women.

      Reply ↓

      • SFG- while I LOVE Idris with all of my heart, I just could not imagine watching B in all her non acting glory, and so I did not see that one, however I can co-sign the Mandingo thing without even seeing the film :-)

        Reply ↓

    • @Dash

      “I have a hard time buying most sitcom marriages. The most difficult to buy was Florida and James Evans.”

      This was mad unbelievable. I think Florida was old enough to be James mother. I think Louise was significantly older than George Jefferson in real life also.

      Reply ↓

    • I have a hard time buying most sitcom marriages. The most difficult to buy was Florida and James Evans.

      this is probably because john amos was in his early 30′s and esther rolle was 55

      Reply ↓

  25. Also, you know what movie scene that will never happen with ninjas in America – Jerry McGuire – “You complete me” scene.

    Ninja’s got way to much ego for that shi*. They may tell you this one-on-one but for LaMont to walk into a hosile environment, with Tameka, Kanika, Lanika and Ashley sitting in your living room watching – itch please!
    Imagine this:
    LaMont will be like; “Jainese, I know I left you hanging, traveling city to city with my boy, kicking it with ho*s and all but I’m back and I want to make it work. Boo, YOU COMPLETE ME”.

    Janiese – “Nicca please! Complete deez! You then came up in here looking all sweaty and greasy, frontin me off in front of my soros and sh*t. Hell to the naw!”

    Reply ↓

    • They may tell you this one-on-one but for LaMont to walk into a hosile environment, with Tameka, Kanika, Lanika and Ashley sitting in your living room watching – itch please!
      Imagine this:
      LaMont will be like; “Jainese, I know I left you hanging, traveling city to city with my boy, kicking it with ho*s and all but I’m back and I want to make it work. Boo, YOU COMPLETE ME”.

      Janiese – “Nicca please! Complete deez! You then came up in here looking all sweaty and greasy, frontin me off in front of my soros and sh*t. Hell to the naw!”

      LOL, especially not if it was a group for divorcees like that movie

      Reply ↓

    • major co-sign…

      you will neeeevvvvva see a desirable dude coming at you in public with a monologue of his wrongdoing, his revelations about needing you and pledging his undying love.

      I’m the girl who watches the romance hoping for something realistic to happen at the end to see how everybody handles it.* Always disappointed.

      *exception being Brown Sugar, i totally wanted that to go down that way. Love them! Perfect verse over a tight beat…beautiful!!

      Reply ↓

  26. The friendships are always so unlikely. for example, speaking of Boomerang I totally do not believe that Eddie, Martin & David Alan Grier would be best buds….

    Also Halle would totally not date David Alan Grier… even as a mercy date. nope nope nope….

    Reply ↓

    • for example, speaking of Boomerang I totally do not believe that Eddie, Martin & David Alan Grier would be best buds….

      i can actually see that happening. that friendship was more believable than the friendships in the best man (imo)

      Reply ↓

      • Agreed Champ. That’s usually how it is with the REAL crew. this may not be the same crew for going out mackin the honeys.

        How old was her character? If she was 30-ish, it’s totally believable. Heck, I went out with a dude , once, who I wasn’t able to look at in the face for too long. EVERYTHING else about him worked, great convo, similar interests, mutual friends…so I convinced myself that I was being shallow and vain…NO. lol. Yeah, that date was interesting. Felt terrible, but I liked him so much more over the phone. sigh.

        Reply ↓

      • Naw, the friendships in the Best Man were believable to me because I know guys who run in crews like that, especially if they all went to college. I could see M.Chestnut’s character having a class with Taye’s character and them being cool…Taye’s character having shared a room with the wack dude with the dreads and thus them all being friends….and T.Howard’s character just being “thatdude” that everyone knew and somehow (probably because other folks hated him so much) he just meshed himself into the crew.

        I gave that way too much thought….

        Reply ↓

  27. NFL preseason is ok. I like seeing the new draft prospects… also Eli took that hit like a man. I also agree that Heat vs. Celtics will be the game to watch…

    On topic: Real life has made it hard for me to enjoy romantic comedies with out calling bs. I will be watching the “Expendables” on Saturday night. GTFOH with “Eat, Pray, Love”

    Reply ↓

    • Well Eat Pray Love is real life, the movie’s based on a reeeeally good memoir. Now granted, the movie is all cheesy/pop/hollywood so you don’t need to see it- but spending that same $12 on the paperback would definitely be worth it!

      Reply ↓

  28. Great post.
    I must say the one thing that I consistently see in movies is the epic
    Question popping scene. Look no one is gone rent the party room at red lobster
    Get all your friends and family around and get down on one knee
    Hell you lucky if that ninja even takes you out and pops the question lol

    I also hate all the wedding “if anyone here has any reason” dwayne/whitley
    Style I love you baby declarationsm if you love someone and find out they’re getting married?
    the only thing most ninjas do is talk shyt about the perspective wife/hubby
    And hope the marriage fails… F!cked up but true

    Reply ↓

      • ERRY time I see it I get all nervous like its the first time. Its the emotion in their voices. And Ron holding off three dudes as Dwayne goes up the aisle. Wonder what Byron did after all of that? lol

        Reply ↓

    • yep. They will just clown the person. Then maybe say, ya’ll make a good couple cause you corny too, or something along those lines. lol.

      Reply ↓

  29. I have to disagree with relationship karma that ish happens just ask aunt Nina, good beautiful woman, husband cheats with 2520 assistant, leaves Nina marries the b*tch during her birthday. The 2520 divorces him 2yrs later leaves with half his sh*t now he want Nina back who is happy with new man. The family is in celebration including his kids, KARMA IS A B*TCH.

    Reply ↓

  30. Great shower sex – I imagine this has to take place in an orthopedic shower with handlebars and a chair

    The Best Man – Am I supposed to believe that while surrounded by half nekkid strippers, this ninja really went to the bedroom to read a book? Totally plausible

    Eat Pray Love/Into Thin Air – while these are based on true stories, they shouldn’t be true in real life. Or maybe white people have problems black folks will never understand. Being rich and privileged, damn, I’d hate to have that burden

    Reply ↓

    • co-signing this “Being rich and privileged, damn, I’d hate to have that burden”- if just for a while *le sigh

      Reply ↓

    • Great shower sex – I imagine this has to take place in an orthopedic shower with handlebars and a chair

      LOL! And at this point, who wants to be doing it on a granny chair?

      Reply ↓

    • “The Best Man – Am I supposed to believe that while surrounded by half nekkid strippers, this ninja really went to the bedroom to read a book? Totally plausible”

      RIGHT! That nucca locked himself in the bathroom to read some gawdawful book (Just from the excerpts, I BET it was written badly) while HIS strippers were in the front room? Yeah, that happens…

      Reply ↓

    • Funny enough, I really related to Eat, Pray, Love (the book)…. I understood what she was going through because I was going through something very similar… I wish I had taken the year off and wrote about it… I would have been on Oprah instead of typing on VSB. :)

      Reply ↓

  31. What man would actually take off their jacket and lay it on a puddle? Why not just walk down the sidewalk a bit to get around it?

    People objecting at or interrupting weddings is movie BS. I’d get it if it was some unplanned justice of the peace thing where time was of the essence. In movies it’s usually full on ceremonies and If it’s that serious you should at least realize it by the time RSVPs are due. Letting all those deposits go in, all that money go out, and deciding an hour before the ceremony to cause some drama would get you seriously hurt in real life.

    On a related but side note. I’m short and was dating a guy about a foot taller than me. When we took a shower together he thought I had the water on super hot. We realized that the water cools down considerably in just a foot. So if you put your hand in the water right under the shower head it might be ouch hot but move your hand down a foot in the stream it’s just comfortable hot. So yeah, being different heights makes that whole scene kinda difficult.

    Reply ↓

    • When we took a shower together he thought I had the water on super hot. We realized that the water cools down considerably in just a foot. So if you put your hand in the water right under the shower head it might be ouch hot but move your hand down a foot in the stream it’s just comfortable hot. So yeah, being different heights makes that whole scene kinda difficult.

      it took me three reads to finally get this (and i’m still not sure i do) but i get it

      Reply ↓

  32. Relationship karma doesn’t exist.

    I beg to differ. People seem to have a convoluted idea of what karma is…they tend to focus only on bad things happening to people who do bad things, but forget that good things happen to people who do good things. I think of karma as merely reaping what you have sown, and for the most part it is true. I see it in action all the time.

    Reply ↓

      • I believe it does, but don’t look for it to happen the same way, i.e. he did you dirty, some chick will do him dirty.

        Instead, think of the pain you felt, and know that the other person will most likely experience that pain at some point as well. They could have a wonderful marriage, but lose a kid, wow, that was strong, but something like that. I pray that God protect me from mine…buddy!! lol.

        same with doing good.

        Reply ↓

    • People seem to have a convoluted idea of what karma is…

      I actually think most people do not have a clue of what Karma is/means… They have a vague idea of what they think it means and run off of it.

      Reply ↓

  33. **It feels so great to be back… I feel like I’ve been gone forever!! Now, back on topic**

    #3 A*shole Karma

    While I am quite aware that relationship payback doesn’t happen a majority of the time, I like to believe that it happens 100% of the time (hell, it makes me feel better!). And from my personal experiences, I’ve found that karma may not provide payback in the relationship arena but usually finds someone other way to stick it to them, like the ex with the f-ed up career! (So while he may in a happy relationship, he’s broke! Well, that makes me feel better too!).

    Reply ↓

    • yeah, like i said in the entry, i think people use karma to help themselves sleep better at night with the thought that the universe is just and fair. it’s not

      Reply ↓

      • Someone’s a bit cynical…or would you preferred I said realistic?

        No one is saying the universe is just and fair. It’s definitely not. I am saying that the universe is balanced. These are two different things.

        Reply ↓

        • Ehhh.. on second thought maybe some of these folks are saying the universe is just and fair. I’m not, though.

          Reply ↓

  34. @The Champ,

    Lay off of the pre-season football Hoss. Watching that ish is akin to watching your local single-A minor league baseball team on public access cable. It’s probably fun if you’re there but on tv nope.

    Things that don’t happen in real life:

    1. In “Why Did I get Married?” (I honestly thought the sequel should have answered the question that was asked in the first movie’s title. “Because I let Him Beat Raw and He Knocked Me Up!” but that wouldn’t have went over well with Tyler’s crowd.) when Richard T Jones’ character started snitching on the rest of the guys in front of their wives. (This is also further proof that Tyler Perry can’t write male characters for sh**.) There’s no way in hell that cat would have walked out of that room in one piece. The results would have been the same as Dash’s post upthread about “the Best Man”.

    2. Any police show on television involving science. My old land lord is a CSI and he told me this about shows like NCIS, and CSI: There’s no law enforcement organization in this country who could afford anyone will the skill sets needed to pull off those cases.

    Reply ↓

    • I do not know a man who would go against the code and blab like Richard T. Jones did. I also do not know a man with the audacity to bring his side piece to that gathering, AND not take to the road with his wife when she could not fly on the plane. Even if a man hates his wife the social consequences of being as b**chmade as Richard T. Jones character is too great for none millionaires.

      Reply ↓

    • In “Why Did I get Married?” (I honestly thought the sequel should have answered the question that was asked in the first movie’s title. “Because I let Him Beat Raw and He Knocked Me Up!” but that wouldn’t have went over well with Tyler’s crowd.) when Richard T Jones’ character started snitching on the rest of the guys in front of their wives. (This is also further proof that Tyler Perry can’t write male characters for sh**.) There’s no way in hell that cat would have walked out of that room in one piece.

      ***nodding head***

      Reply ↓

  35. Whats totally unbelievable is in romantic comedies or television shows is when the two people that hate eachother and disagree to the fullest end up together. They magically realize that they are in love and live happily ever after. Like Katherine Heigl and Gerard Butler in The Ugly Truth, she passed up on the doctor to be with the guy who was a total a$$ to her throughout the movie. Or Sandra Bullock in the Proposal. She was a itch in the entire movie but somehow her assistant looked passed that and they really ended up together.

    Reply ↓

  36. Things that happen in movies but never in real life

    Women falling for the nerd-type guy
    He is the nerd(nice guy) with the heart of gold and she is with the (insert shallow superficial guy). The nerd steals her from him. GTFOH. The only way the nerd has a chance is if she has several kids, got fat, and she broke up with several shallow superficial dudes after they have abused her.

    Jamie Foxx and Lisa Raye hooking up in the Player’s Club
    Not to say that is doesn’t happen but I rarely see strippers dealing with regular guys. They are about their money not goofy DJ’s. If she is with a regular guy he is signing over his paycheck to her every 2 weeks.

    The regular guy beating up the bully. Eg. Cube beating up Debo
    From my experience dudes like Debo usually kick @ss and take names. That’s why they’re bouncers.

    The good 2520
    Whenever there is a movie about racial issues there is always one 2520 with the good heart out of all the bad ones. For once I would like to see a post blaxploitation movie when all the 2520s are evil racists bastards.

    Shower sex
    I guess I’m the only one that has had good shower sex. *kanyeshrug*

    Things that happen on TV sitcoms and not in real life.

    The King of Queens
    I’m still trying to understand how a secretary and generic UPS delivery truck driver can afford to own a house in Queens, NY.

    Martin
    Martin dissing Pam. In real life he would have either chose Pam over Gina or would be trying to smash Pam while he was still with Gina.

    Reply ↓

    • and if the nerd has a big thing, thing…
      NO woman is gonna pass that up.
      She’ll just think the nerdishness (totally made that word up) is one more thing to adore about him (besides his d!&k).

      Reply ↓

    • The good 2520 made me laugh. They are out there. I haven’t seen any but they are out there. You know what hurt my heart the other day though? I saw a small back boy lost in publix. I was in the check out aisle, I kept my eye on him so I could help him once I paid…would you believe like 15+ 2520s walked past him and didn’t even say a word to him. It was obvious he was lost. How many crying 2 year olds do you see just standing in a grocery store alone? SMH

      Reply ↓

    • i agree with you on the martin/pam thing. even though i was a kid (well, a preteen/teenaged girl) i was giving that whole scenario the sideeye. gina should have been suspicious because pam and martin was a little bit too familiar. martin woulda got one good “what the hell you care about her beady beads for? and what the hell yall got goin on!? that’s my girl but she mighty comfortable witchu. :-/ ” from me after everybody left and that would have been that. sterile respectfulness like a mug from this day forward.

      and the king of queens. um….yeah. i liked the show, but that whole thing was hard to believe. they had that (relatively) nice home and carrie stayed in the latest fashions. um…yeah. i did read somewhere that ups drivers can make up to 6 figures though, so who am i to question?

      Reply ↓

    • “Women falling for the nerd-type guy”

      This makes me wonder…since the same stuff is happening right here at VSB…would that also be true of here. Things that happen at VSB, but wouldn’t at the VSB BBQ. lol

      “The regular guy beating up the bully. Eg. Cube beating up Debo
      From my experience dudes like Debo usually kick @ss and take names. That’s why they’re bouncers.”

      Right. I mean, yeah, Cube ain’t no little dude, but Debo is a refrigerator. His face would make Cube’s fist cry.

      “Martin
      Martin dissing Pam. In real life he would have either chose Pam over Gina or would be trying to smash Pam while he was still with Gina.”

      I’ve always and still to this day believe he was hittin’ Pam on the low. Like, the fought TOO dayum much. lol Sexual tension dinna mug.

      Reply ↓

    • i’ve had good shower s*x.. on some “the steam is stifling.. oops, the hot water just ran out.. i’m sweaty but i’m in this water” shower s*x…
      that was a good look…

      Reply ↓

  37. I’m with you on almost everything but the shower sex, pat’nah. You gotta catch a sista on a night that she’s washing her hair. Then she doesn’t care if it gets wet. It probably helps that our shower has a stepped seat-bench-thing-thing that extends the full length of the shower. But ummm…yeah…

    The only reason any of us watch preseason football is 1) because ninjas are SICK of baseball being the only sport on SportsCenter and 2) to scout possible sleepers for fantasy football.

    As unrealistic things in movies go, how about sex scenes in general?…particularly when it’s supposedly the first time the two characters get down. Sex is awkward (usually) the first time you and somebody bone. Not in movies tho. In the movies, it’s usually a seemingly endless pleasure fest where each person makes precisely the right move at the right time.

    Reply ↓

    • @intelligentleman

      “2) to scout possible sleepers for fantasy football.”

      This is the main reason I watch. By the I’m starting a league soon so any VSB or VSS that play fantasy football let me know.

      Reply ↓

    • Sex is awkward (usually) the first time you and somebody bone. .

      I can’t agree. I’ve had some banging (literally) azz first time chex.

      Reply ↓

      • “I can’t agree. I’ve had some banging (literally) azz first time chex.”

        Right?!?!?! *what’s up head nod*

        Reply ↓

    • It probably helps that our shower has a stepped seat-bench-thing-thing that extends the full length of the shower.

      ummm, yeah, lol. this definitely helps.

      Reply ↓

  38. WOW Karma only happens in movies? Really?!?

    Like More is More said, it never comes back the same way it was dished out, in ways expected, but it comes backs for sure. You reap what you sow, as the day is long, sooner or later, whether we witness it or not.

    Reply ↓

  40. Just Wright. I love Queen and I love Common. He would not have picked Queen over Paula. Queen could be his BFF while he was boning Paula, but das all.

    Reply ↓

  41. This is not relationship related but, what about the horrible boss who finally sees your worth and promotes you/gives you proper credit/writes an excellent reference, etc? Total fiction, saints. Total fiction.

    Reply ↓

  42. I still have trouble not hating Bradley Cooper for that role.

    I’ve seen relationship Karma happen too many times to say it doesn’t exist outside of the movies.
    Also, In TDWP, her original bf was a douche but he was better looking than the other guy IMO and she loved him. Love trumps everything, especially in real life.
    Agree with you on “Surprise, I’m super hot”. That only ever happens in real life when someone with curly hair gets it straightened.

    Reply ↓

  43. THE FIRST TIME YOU HAVE CHEX WITH THE LOVER INTEREST ITS GONNA BE GREAT!
    ALMOST NEVER IS THIS TRUE, ITS USUALLY AWKWARD AND NERVE WRECKING.

    Reply ↓

    • THE FIRST TIME YOU HAVE CHEX WITH THE LOVER INTEREST ITS GONNA BE GREAT!
      ALMOST NEVER IS THIS TRUE, ITS USUALLY AWKWARD AND NERVE WRECKING.

      I find this to be true only when chexin someone who should be more than a FB for the first time. If they are just going to be a jump off anyway, it is rarely awkward because the goal is to just get off in the best way possible. If it doesn’t work then cool, we go our separate ways. When you consider that person to be someone you want to actually be with outside of the bedroom, I think that makes things awkward because you try harder.

      Reply ↓

      • I find this to be true only when chexin someone who should be more than a FB for the first time. .

        Hmmmmmm…..you may be on to something…….let me marinate on this a little longer.

        Reply ↓

  44. The vacation/road trip movie where everybody gets along and has a great girl trip or romantic getaway only happens in the movies.

    On a vacation, somebody always pouting over whether they want to go/do/see everything in that town and the other person wants to just hang at the beach and drink umbrella cocktails. Or if its a girl trip, you always got that one friend that needs babysitting every night cuz she drinks too much. Or you got one friend who wants to be Debbie Downer the whole time and cut everything down about the trip.

    Reply ↓

  45. I can think of a million things that happen in movies that never happen in real life. Here’s a few:

    * running past the front door to go upstairs and trap yourself in the attic waiting for killa to kill you.

    * running around in the rain in a soaked tank top with your n*pples showing hiding from a big man who has a long pipe ready to beat it…oh wait, that’s my movie, we were role playing, never mind!

    * All conflicts get resolved in 90 mins with a happy ending

    * the bad guy takes 80 stabbings, 20 bullets, 10 head smashings, 5 major falls to die. In real life, one bullet to the head would have killed that mutha…aim better!

    * vigilantes – the bruce willis dude only exists in movies. It’s never a one man show and you will probably get yourself killed.

    * Bank robberies – these are mostly successful in the movies. I can’t think of too many successful bank thieves now a days who walk away with a million plus heist like they do in the movies.

    Reply ↓

  46. What about when…..

    Dude meets girl. Couple enters harmonious relationship which is suddenly halted due to some earth-shattering foolery. Boy realizes that he can’t live another second without girl and makes mad dash to make amends, only to find out that girl has decided to move on with her life and is boarding a plane to Budapest in like 5 mins.

    However, despite being 50 miles away, boy naturally makes it to the airport “just-in-time” (magically avoiding security and other vital elements of airports) to somehow find girl, confess his undying love and ultimately make her decide to forego the planned and already purchased trip and return to happy-ever-after with him. C’mon, really!?

    Reply ↓

    • “despite being 50 miles away, boy naturally makes it to the airport “just-in-time”
      doesn’t this cause you to be on the edge of your seats? It does it to me every time. I should know by now that they ALWAYS make it.

      Reply ↓

        • its definitely the soundtrack…because in a normal situation a smart woman who just paid an ass of $$ for a flight will board the plane. And if he’s dumb enough to let her waste her hard earned money then she shouldnt want him.
          But thats just my opinion….

          Reply ↓

          • Except in Love Jones. womp, womp. He was all out of breath and ish. I cried.

            I also cried at the end of A Lot Like Love. I watch that movie a few times a year, and I’m not ashamed. It’s a wonderful story.

            Reply ↓

  47. Ya know, Champie, I’m happy for ya and I’mma let you finish, but I have the best news of ALL TIME. OF ALL TIME. *@kanyewest shrug* Attention, Chicago VSBs/VSSs, Sir Threeness Panama Jackson is coming to our city! Please harrass him for details. And, yes, I’ll be there. Just look over your shoulder, honey.

    Now back to regularly scheduled programming…

    Things that Only Happen In The Movies (That Bangs May or May Not Take U To):

    - No one clowned Shemar Moore’s character’s Microsoft Cut & Paste cornrows in “Diary of a Mad Black Woman. Like, if he was at a REAL family reunion? Especially with all those folks smokin’? He woulda been hella roasted. His hair was JACKED UP.
    - I seriously think Shug and Celie would’ve teamed up and whooped Mistuh’s arse. And would’ve finagled his kids to help out. Especially that little girl he wouldn’t let scream when Celie was combing her hair.

    Reply ↓

  48. How about in BROWN SUGA when Sanaa Lathan called of the engagement to tall, fine a$$, rich Boris Kodjoe – who was an NBA player in love with her – for a short, skinny, homeboy that was no longer making major paper and technically still married!

    Get the tuck out of here…..

    I love my homeboys from way back but let even a 6’5″ CBA nicca with a nice chest, and a low six-figure salary come my way! Please, I will be on that :-)

    Reply ↓

    • “How about in BROWN SUGA when Sanaa Lathan called of the engagement to tall, fine a$$, rich Boris Kodjoe – who was an NBA player in love with her – for a short, skinny, homeboy that was no longer making major paper and technically still married!”

      I forgot this, because FOR REAL. Look, I know lovin’ yo homie is some deep sh*t. But Kelby was BORIS. BORE-RISS. Also, Taye Diggs’ head is shaped like a trapezoid.

      Reply ↓

  49. “The only thing more unbelievable than that was David Alan Grier’s reverse-gumby.” Absolutely hilarious.

    Wellllllsp(<—-Antoine Dodson lisp), there is a common reoccuring theme in both movies and television programming that I took notice of many moons ago: The Vindicated Vixen Vendetta. Which is, no matter how f*cked up and grimey the lead female character/love interest is in the movie/show, things always work out favorably for her by the closing credits. This is also known as the Triumphant Tramp Tribune, and within heteros*xual male circles, it is commonly referred to as the, GetTheFcukOuttaHereWithThatBullShyt shyt.

    Examples of said occurence:
    Pretty Woman – Rich charasmatic millionaire business man wifes up common street whore after requesting her ‘professional bed wench services’. They live happily ever after.
    Indecent Proposal – Loving and financially struggling couple meets millionaire businessman that offers 1 million dollars for a night with the wife.
    Wife turns this trick, fcuks him, breaks up with husband, marries business man. Years later original husband finds her, professes his undying love on bending knee, wife returns. They live happily ever after.
    Unfaithful – Wife cheats on husband with Latin Rico Suave. She then rejects her husband emotionally and physically. Husband finds out about affair, accidentally kills Rico. Husband takes wife back, now they’re on the run living happily ever after.

    This type of nonsense occurs rampantly not only in film, but in literature as well(esp romance novels).

    Addicted by Zane – Really? Really though? I’m saying. Really? B*tch fcuks everyone in her business and social circle, abandons husband and children. Husband gets shot, beat up and damn near killed by one of her sidepieces. Yet husband takes wife back. They live happily ever after.

    I wont punish you with anymore examples, as we all have been punished enough by this garbage.

    The only television program that I have watched that actually showed female characters being forced to take accountability for their actions, deal with their consequences, as well as get their comeuppance, was the television show “Girlfriends”. Even if things did turn out positively, it wasn’t until seasons end or the next season, and only after the character suffered for a period of time and learned a hard lesson from their poor choices.

    I’m not a fan of Tyler Perry, but props to him for portraying fem fatal accountability in a few of his productions as well. Most notably, the play “The Marriage Counselor” and the film, “The Family That Preys”.

    Thats just my take on some of the unbelievable bullsheezy I have noticed in cinema. Come to think of it, some of that actually occurs in real life albeit with the strong assistance of simps and a biased judicial system.

    Great post Champ.

    Reply ↓

    • Mr. Sobo

      I have noticed this as well. There is a pervasive simp mentality in movies or the mainstream period. Women tend to be redeemed with no consequences for their actons.

      Reply ↓

      • The movie makers do this because they know guys will spend their hard-earned money to watch this garbage because their wife/gf will twist their arms to make ‘em take ‘em.

        P*ssy rules because the majority of American males are beta.

        No Bullsh*t

        Reply ↓

      • @humble
        Yea. i’ll wait to see someone redeem Montana Fishburne and turn her into a great actress. Waiting….

        Reply ↓

    • o_O Don’t talk about Zhane!!! *grabs shank* I’m warning you.

      But yeah I cosign. Unfaithful, (did they really go to mexico or did he turn himself in?) was very unrealistic. Not how she fell for Rico cause a sista would have been shaking on his sheets faster than you can say burrito…homeboy was fine. But the husband taking her back? Do people do this? I dunno. I was wondering why he hid the body. He was wealthy and white, he could have gotten off on all charges with temporary insanity.

      Reply ↓

    • Although I’m sure this hasn’t happened twice but I know a Pastor who, after moving to a church in the hood and setting up rehab programs for local hookers, he married one of the former prostitutes.

      Reply ↓

  50. great shower sex… maybe not. great showerhead… definitely so. lol. jussaying. i’ve only heard this though.

    funny post. those ‘suprise i’m hot’ movies annoy me too. like comeon now. she’s hotter than her with a ponypuff wearing bloomers and crocs. geesh.

    Reply ↓

    • lol, ponypuff. Like, that is so silly too. Since when is a ponytail not hot? Like, she automatically becomes hot when she lets her hair down? lmao

      I know brothas like the hair down, but I’ve heard countless dudes tell chicks they like their hair up at times…to see their face. I mean, if they face cute. lol

      Reply ↓

      • right. that’s why i laughed so hard at that part in ‘not another teenage movie’ when she let her hair down and took off her glasses.

        lol @ “if they face cute.”

        Reply ↓

    • @Muze
      Sexy avi girl! And cosign. My shower head is the reason why my water bill is over $100 and why no one can reach me from 7-8pm friday nights. the BEST invention ever.

      Reply ↓

      • @SFG – I read your late comment yesterday.
        So because i’m on the same wavelength of nasty as you, we don’t mix?
        You want to be the only freak nasty in the bedroom dealing with boring @$$ snuffleupagusses? Suit yourself….wimp.

        Reply ↓

        • You made me laugh out loud calling me wimp. DWL. I’ve actually never met anyone like myself. Everytime I try to mess with you, you come back harder. (pause) It’s funny though. Your nastiness…well it scares me. Like jailhouse at 3am scary. I’d have to sleep with duck tape over my mouth and steel underwear cause you a freak freak! LOL (i’m lying, a bish would be sleepin A gap for the night time r*pe)

          For the record, he was no snuffleupagusse! lol

          Reply ↓

          • @SFG – ” (i’m lying, a bish would be sleepin’ agape for the night time r*pe)”

            Sho nuff. Cuz I aint the type to be laying in wait, playin’ it safe.
            I’m the ni@@a that’ll shake that @$$ awake to pound that cake.

            Reply ↓

              • You two are hilarious, but you are right about that.

                *hands SFG rubber gloves, some rags and Lysol. Then again, that may not have been a good idea*

                Reply ↓

              • *grabs robe*…Babes! I didn’t even hear you come in. Sobo was just…um…cleaning out the clogged pipes.

                Side bar: We need bleach (don’t you watch CSI?)…and I aint diggin no holes either! lol I could have done alot with your comment but I won’t. If I keep it up, I’m going to get kicked out this place. lol

                Reply ↓

              • Oh I know. I put a disclaimer in that comment for a reason, especially for the rubber gloves. Lord knows what those could be used for. I am proud of you. Oh yeah, despite my big feet, I have the softest footsteps. I still scare my mom sometimes because she never hears me coming when I walk around the house. You ain’t the only ninja that can be a ninja around here. Watch your back, because I am, especially when you walk away. Lol. (I know you are over there losing your mind with the stuff I am saying.)

                Reply ↓

              • O______O I’m sittin behind my comp lookin like an owl in the night! Bwwoooyyy…I’m telling you right now. You don’t know me…don’t do it to yourself. LOL You’ll see me in Texas rollin with the tumbleweed before I run up on dat @ss and lasso you like a wild bull! STOP! lol j/k
                You can put that big foot on my face while you…okay enough!

                Reply ↓

              • Girl, you are hilarious. Like an owl in the night. You crazy. You aren’t an ehoe. I know where your heart is. Let me get on this plane and stop messing with you.

                Reply ↓

              • Lol of course with you but if you wanted to punish me…I’m not against that. My code word to stop is Pickles or 2 taps on your thigh. lol This was fun. Have a good flight.

                Reply ↓

      • @sfg

        thanks chick! well… i meant humanized showerhead but that works too. lmbo. LOL @ that high arse water bill. you’re so crazy.

        Reply ↓

  51. On the shower chex. No one has mentioned this maybe I’m the only one. Shower water keeps rinsing away all lubrications making chexing the equivelant of a internal indian rub. No thanks on clean but raw vag.

    I’d like to add blank staring into space while reciting a monologue or retelling a past trauma. ie “Why oh why didn’t I tell Kesha I love her.” or “That’s when I knew I had to kill Sean or he’d kill me.”

    Also, white women backing down gangmembers, gunmen, dopedealers, etc. Sorry Sandra bullock in the Blindside. You would have been battered and robbed in the projects. (On the flipside good job adopting an american black baby. why do wealthy white folks only adopt foreign asian kids? Don’t we deserve some of that private school, new whips and super sweet sixteen party money?)

    Reply ↓

    • lol @ “Shower water keeps rinsing away all lubrications making chexing the equivelant of a internal indian rub. No thanks on clean but raw vag”

      This is actually true.

      Reply ↓

  54. Definitely gotta cosign on the shower sex and the super bad breakups

    As a girl who’s only 3 apples high the logistics of shower sex just never really work out…the guy is always too tall to make it work….plus even if we do manage to contort into a position that “works” the water really isn’t conducive to a properly lubricated environment…then there’s the whole falling risk….however showering pre- or post coitus can enjoyable

    and even in my most dramatic relationship the actual breakup was anti-climactic. We had had a number of epic arguments that could have/should have resulted in a breakup but always wound up making up….the actual break up was done over the phone in a calm and rational conversation that went like

    him: “so do you want to continue to do this?”
    me: “no”
    The end

    Reply ↓

  55. I didn’t know shower s*x was so difficult for so many people. Too many pygmies dating amazons, I guess. If there’s more than a 10 inch height difference, you’re screwed. Aside from that, here’s my 2 cents:
    Lesson 1: Women use your tippy toes. Men, squat.

    Reply ↓

  56. A guy won’t build you a 4 bdrm colonial with his bare hands

    the super hot guy that you grew up with and loved your whole life, won’t have an epiphany and suddenly realize that you were always the one, and decide to dead his h0e-ish ways…He may have that epiphany, but understand he is unlikely to look at his past and realize you were everything he wants and needs all along. He will do it with a new chick, who probably reminds him a great deal of you. Or he has said epiphany, but just cuts back on said ways.

    While I have personally see a relationship develop nearly identical to the one in Pretty Woman, the man was extremely unattractive. soooo, recognize, nobody really gets EVERYTHING.

    Blair Underwood and Jada in set it off…

    only in the movies do people wake up the morning after their first night together, having drank the night before, nan toothbrush in sight, and get to smiling and kissing…uhhhh, prob not. go brush, gargle etc.

    only in the movies does a black woman consistently walk with you outdoors, conversing, when it is raining, misty, humid, etc, (if she has a perm, or press, blowout or the like) Think Love Jones, yeah, no.

    this one might sound a bit cynical, but rarely does the woman end up with the guy that she would have done ANYTHING for. The one she loved without limit usually doesn’t work out, at least based upon research (myself and ALL the women I know, have known or know of) I can think of only ONE. He was a special kind though because he looked past her involvement with his sands during a “break”. They are now very happily married with children. For all the other women I know, that guy was one that they had to slowly, surely walk away from.

    Reply ↓

    • @j.Ivy “…he looked past her involvement with his sands during a “break”.
      Pardon my ignorance, but what does ‘sands’ mean?

      Reply ↓

      • @SoBo, I know you asked Miss J. Ivy, but hopefully she doesn’t mind me answering your question in the meantime.

        Sands, are a person’s fraternity brothers or sorority sisters and a special bond is formed because that is the person(s) who is on your “line” and completed the process for membership along with you. You, and your Sands (or the line), shared and experienced the same process. In most cases, your Sands are particularly close, so to have someone boink not only Frat/Soror, but your Sands and forgive you is a special person indeed. I hope I did it justice.

        Reply ↓

  57. Can we say everything?

    1. Doctors working the ER, running different types of tests, doing the differential, etc. Like most jobs, they goto one room and stay there for most of the day.
    2. Hackers sitting down at some random computer that is at the password screen and somehow bringing up a terminal to hack the password.
    3. Hackers in realtime typing up the code for a virus or something that then immediately starts running flawlessly without needing to be compiled or tested. Languages that support code execution w/o compilation (Java for example) tend to be hardened against that kind of hacking anyway.
    4. Getting onto planes with weapons.
    5. Hot-wiring a car newer than 1990.
    6. Villains/criminals taking time to explain their plans to you. . . instead of just killing you as soon as they can.
    7. People with PhD level intelligence, Navy Seal skills, gourmet chef experience, and fluent in 3 variations of a tribal language known only to 200 other people – who not only exist, but are also single and well adjusted.
    8. Being possessed of some expert skill that you never used or trained apparently passed on to you by birth.
    9. Beating a much better team by dint of will power and that your long lost dad made it to the game just after halftime.
    10. Finding lots of money and somehow not losing any of it to the IRS.

    Reply ↓

  58. I co-sign on the shower sex,they always seem as if they’re screwing in some waterfall or some shit. I’ve slipped in the shower before, and have since had a phobia of shower sex, unless Im in that bitch with some spiked track shoes, and the tub is padded with textured no-slip stoppers, Im not goin!

    Even though it’s a guilty pleasure of mine “Hitch” (since I loathe romantic comedies), was also muy unrealistic.
    The dumpy, portly, uncoordinated, accountant, bags the “beautiful” obcenelyrich, famous, Manhattan socialite (who happens to have a heart of gold) with the help of his black handsome relationship coach, who then gets with the sexy , bitter, gossip columnist who published details about said socialites break-up..and they all end up doing the snake at thier wedding?

    Yeeeeaaah.

    I would also like to add, that movies seem to make all one night stands seem amazing and exciting. This is untrue :(

    Reply ↓

  59. Regarding the opposite – things in movies that happen in real life:

    The token black guy. In the real life version of most movie situations there really is only one black person or the gritty, attractive, white female lead character really only has one black female friend – who she turns to for advice.

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  61. What happens on the screen that never happens in real life? Hmm… Remember that movie Some Kind of Wonderful? Synopsis: The female homie tomboy falls head over heels for her buddy, an unassuming regular guy. She endures countless tales of his affections towards miss popularity, subjects herself to constant devaluing, and dismissive behavior as her buddy falls harder for the cheerleader. And yet somehow by the end of the movie and without a party dress, he realizes that she is girlfriend material.

    Yeah, that sh*t never happens in real life without a b00b flash or something.

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    • LOVE that movie and the soundtrack….esp the scene when Watts was trying to Keith how to kiss, love that movie!!!!
      That happening, is not all that unrealistic, they actually had alort more in common and a deeper connection… alot of folks are cynical bout love I see *peeks over Bvlgari frames*

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  62. And I’d also like to co-sign on the Robin GIvens Vs Halle Berry Boomerang thing, they tried real hard to make Halle look homely. But that scene when Robin Givens “revealed” herself wearing lingerie, even as a young girl I found it anti-climatic. It was like “Thats it?” shit she was still wearing a training bra…I know at that point most guys wouldn’t refuse an attractive underdeveloped woman chomping at the bit to screw him silly….but I found it hard to believe that her body was so entrancing.

    Much like Regina King vs…Lynn Whitefield in “A Thin Line”. Hell that whole premise was unrealistic. Regina is girl next door cute and all but please………..Please…. the fact that someone like Martin’s character would even be presented with that choice is insulting, let alone choose his cute homegirl over a wealthy, much more attractive woman who would front the money for his own club!..even if she was a bit crazy

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    • “a bit crazy”

      ^ A bit? You reminded me of the scene where she put an orange or two in a bag and whooped her own a*s. She was ka-razy. lol!

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  64. This isn’t about relationships but the “Can I talk to you for a minute?” where the minute-talkers walk all of 1-3 feet away from the exluded individual and say some secretive mess is BULLCACA. THEY CAN STILL HEAR YOU!!

    Also, any airport scene post-9/11 is ridiculous–you cannot run onto tarmacs or even to a gate without getting slammed into a 200 lb. security guard sandwich, regardless of whether the love of your life is boarding a plane to marry his boss’s daughter hundreds of miles away. Sorry. Maybe you can avoid arrest, run to the airline kiosk and request stand-by before take-off.

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    • “She’s Out of My League” orchestrated the post 9/11 version of running on the tarmac very realistically. And they had to do a lot of set-up throughout the movie…showing how the one homeboy was the Air Traffic Controller and the other homeboy was a TSA agent and yet another homeboy was a baggage handler. I was impressed.

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  65. ANYthang that Mr. Tyler Perry places his zesty, tangalishous hands on is unbelievable. You can tell he has never been in a ‘real relationship’ because he writes all the stuff that even the most bitter woman raises a wtf side eye to.

    I caught myself watching that movie with Angela ‘I overact in erythang I do’ Bassett and Rick ‘scrumptious’ Fox.
    ***have you ever notice that he picks attractive (not beautiful, glamourized) women and puts them with the stereotypical pretty boy?

    The scene that I was like oh hell no was when she went to her ‘baby daddys’ work site to try to collect on her child support. He basically told her to kick rocks and then her friend threw a brick at him and then they got away.

    First of all, if I know where you work, I will not wait until you are that far in the rears to come up to your job. I would be down at child support enforcement office. IF cse was slipping as they have been known to do, I would have my uncles and ‘em meet you in the parking lot when you got off. AND when has it been so easy to throw a brick and not have them retaliate…not a shoe or a newspaper…but a brick.
    GTFOHWTBS

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    • “ANYthang that Mr. Tyler Perry places his zesty, tangalishous hands on is unbelievable.”

      THIS!!! LOLOL

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  66. Anything that happened in the movie “New York, I Love You”. That movie is such a fantasy that I almost thought Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs were gonna be in the next story line of the movie. For ex.one of the scenes involves a fine dude standing outside a restaurant smoking a cig and sparks up this extra syllabic conversation with a complete stranger trying to coerce her to go to his apt so he can show her that he knows where the g spot is. Never, ever, EVER would I entertain a pervert on the corner, but ol girl in the movie did. Although it turns out she was a hooker (that prolly would be true)

    But yeah any man posted on the corner talking dirty is a perv and to be avoided at all cost.

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    • I don’t know why, but I’m really happy for Antoine Dodson’s success (Is that strange?). What was funny to me after reading the article is how many names I can give that “talent manager” if he is really looking for charismatic hood folks who beat up criminals! Baton Rouge and New Orleans are full of them!! LOL!!

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    • ^That story made me smile. Thanks for posting because I did wonder. So glad it was enough to move his family out, because that was a concern of mine.

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  68. What doesn’t happen: The revelation/chase scene

    Nice person is chasing love interest. Love interest spends all their time chasing after/being involved with HUGE douchebag that knows how to play the game. Douchebag is exposed, original love interest’s best friend tells them that they were chasing a douche. Love interest realizes that the nice person was the one for them. Love interest chases after the nice person, who is bitter at this point, but still has feelings for the love interest and takes them back.

    I’ve been that nice guy, and there are girls that regret not grabbing me up. Those girls are not running through Federal Triangle station trying to keep me from catching my next train. Nor would I take them if they actually did that. Nonsense.

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  69. This is a topic that is off-topic (well…kind of):

    I have a problem with “Sex and The City” and I am talking about the two movies and the series that was on HBO.
    I neccessarily don’t have any problems with the characters or anything like that…really. I actually have a problem with the people who believes that they can have a life similar to Samantha’s, Carrie’s, Charlotte’s and the other one, the red-head…

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    • @Mimi

      “I actually have a problem with the people who believes that they can have a life similar to Samantha’s, Carrie’s, Charlotte’s and the other one, the red-head…”

      LOL! As much as I love SATC (yes…a true stan I am), their lifestyle is unrealistic for NYC living (well, maybe not in Samantha’s case). But there was no way Carrie could afford to live in a Manhattan brownstone building off of a writer’s salary with her expensive shoe/fashion game. Impossible.

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      • EXACTLY!!!
        Every time I had watched that show, I always wonder how in the hell was Carrie was able to afford that apartment, buy expensive designer shoes and shop with a writer’s salary. Thanks to that show, I knew plenty of female college students who thought that they were going to live in an apartment, located in the city.
        Another thing that made me give the show the side-eye: a lot of young women thought that they could become like “Samantha” and become sexually-free, but think they can still be respected by their male counterparts.

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  70. I’m a newbie to the comments part, but I’ve been lurking for a while. I’m seriously not a stalker. I haven’t had a chance to read all the comments yet, but relationship karma does happen. The problem is that we may not always see it happen because by then we have usually moved on and/or lost contact with the person.

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  71. “…all romantic break-ups were brutal bloodfeuds, replete with vicious insults, violent threats, hateful feelings, torn rabbits, microwaved weave, and white women.”
    You have killed me with that! I’m wiping the happy tears from my eyes. I believed the same thing for a while but now realise some relationships just fizzle out without as much as a parting fart.
    Another thing movies lie about… guy and girl meet on the playground or in high school are BFFs then lose touch or stay friends then meet many years later sparks fly, they hook up and live happily ever after. **Brown Sugar**Cough!

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  72. I personally think that Robin Givens in her prime was just as beautiful or maybe even more beautiful than Halle Berry. She may have been thin, but she had a really pretty face and back then men didn’t focus on big behinds as much as they do now. So, the Boomerang storyline in my opinion was totally believable.

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  73. Totally started laughing out loud uncontrollably when reading about the bull-ish that is shower sex. That shit NEVER turns out the way the movies make it seem. It actually just makes me want to take a shower.

    “ummmm… can we just cuddle later? okaythanks.” Lol *I’m still laughing*

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