gotdamn!

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you’ve had it.

you had it bad.

yeah. you what i’m talking about.

whipped. sprung. gone. caught up. caught out there. stuck. hooked. thunderbolted

each word describes that same feeling, that same lustful and libidinous infatuation that gives you that same feeling down there everywhere every time you think about them. this isn’t love. not yet, at least. (although, everyones optimum long-term loving relationship does include these feelings) but it is random doodles and not so random flashbacks at work…the type of ish that’ll get you while you’re sitting at your desk, making you randomly shiver and exclaim “ooh shit!!” like someone just dropped a piece of ice down your shirt, and then nervously looking around to see if anyone noticed your aftershock.

it usually sneaks up on us. one day, you’re minding your own business, daydreaming about crocheting and pears and bowling night and sh*t and then, forty-eight hours later, your body has become a erogenous minefield, a walking, incoherently talking victim of ptfs (post-traumatic f*ck syndrome) and you’re wondering to yourself what the hell just happened and when the hell am i getting some again

thing is, although it sneaks up on us, there usually are subtle indicators that you’re on the sexual springboard, and, as a service from the champ, i’ve decided to give you 3 signs that you very well might be sprung

1. you become gilbert gottfried

i lived in a corner suite (two bedrooms separated by a common/living room type area) with three other roommates my freshman year of college, a somewhat unremarkable arrangement sans for an entertaining bi-weekly occurrence the entire second semester. you see, one of my roommates (jay) had a regular jump-off named kimmie, an extremely demure sophomore who would come through every other saturday afternoon (yes. afternoon!!!), chop it up with us in the living room for a few minutes while we were playing nba live, then head to the bedroom with jay. as you know, dormitory walls are notoriously thin, which makes afternoon sex a community affair, but this obviously didn’t phase kimmie at all.

without fail, within fifteen minutes, the barely audible moaning would began. nothing unusual there though, just your perfunctory garden variety sex moans. soon, though, the moans would then give way to the words. by “the words” i mean that when kimmie was kumming, she’d scream out some of the most bewildering, befuddling, and hilarious word combination’s known to man. from “you’re punching it papachulo” to something that sounded like “f*ckkkkk!! toaster!! f*ckkkkk!! toaster!! f*ckkkkk!! toaster!!”, she’d use horrifically awkward syntax, with word combination’s sounding similar to something you might overhear at in an esl classroom for asian toddlers with tourettes. then, afterwards, she’d come back out with us and play spades or tonk like nothing happened. in hindsight, i probably should have married kimmie.

my point is that there’s sex, good sex, very good sex, and sex that’ll have you doing and saying the most inane and unbelievable sh*t during and directly after the act. the type of sex that’ll make you jump up right afterward and iron clothes butt naked at 3 in the morning while whistling “ordinary people”. nothing you do during or directly after that time can be explained by any type of rational thought or reasoning. basically, you become gilbert gottfried

2. you schedule important sh*t around sex

“you know, even though i dont have any gas, and stopping for gas will insure i wont have any cash to buy lunch today, i need to drive to work instead of catching the bus, just to give me those extra 15 minutes i need this morning to, umm, yeah. f*ck this. i’m driving.”

these are the types of conversations you have with yourself everyday when you’re on the springboard.

3. you’re willing to overlook common sense deal-breakers

she still lives with her ma? so what. stop hating. she has the whole basement to herself anyway.

he has a different colored grill for each season? well…you can’t really tell in the dark.

her baby daddy is kimbo slice? whatever. dat bald n*gga can’t beat me

most of us have been there before, where you’re so into someone that you always find yourself making excuses for them and intentionally ignoring sh*t instead of actually wondering why you’re always making excuses and ignoring sh*t. this is easily the worse by-product of the springboard…the fact that your cognitive sense goes completely to sh*t, and, despite your intelligence, you’re prone to make more bad decisions than tavaris jackson

on a positive note, though, the antagonists in these types of situations have been the muses for some of the best music, movies, and art ever made, so maybe its not all bad.

damn. alot of memories in these paragraphs today.

i need my f*ckin toast

—the champ

430 thoughts on “gotdamn!”

  1. that story about kimmie had me choking on my pitta bread and hummus.

    i got a question though: could i get your boy’s number?

    i kid. sorta.

    i feel you on the general sentiment. you’ve got me wanting to call this guy from freshman year up… offer him a short-set and whatnot.

    *putting down the j walker and backing away from the phone*

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  2. Champ, is ya talking bout that ish that makes toes curl, eyes cross, and you start talking in tongues you are unaware of?

    B/c I would NOT kno NOTHING bout that. The Convent I live in doesnt approve. *Kneels to pray*

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    • Ok so do you mean the kind of “stuff” that will have you ignoring storm warnings, black ice, and parking bans? The kind of impaired thinking that will have you driving through a blizzard with a foot of snow on the ground and one wiper that doesnt work. Is that the kind of “stuff” you were talking about?

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      • yep, i think he is, that bad neighborhood navigating, floating gas needle, get dropped off with no ride back, sketchy car maintenance, driving too far across town “stuff”….

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      • “parking bans”

        I got my car towed once on some ol “yeah. lemme ride with you cuz we can do some ish in the car, too, and just drop me off in the morning before work.”

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      • “Ok so do you mean the kind of “stuff” that will have you ignoring storm warnings, black ice, and parking bans? The kind of impaired thinking that will have you driving through a blizzard with a foot of snow on the ground and one wiper that doesnt work. Is that the kind of “stuff” you were talking about?”

        remember that big black out in the northeast 5 years ago? when all the electricity was gone and all the planes were grounded and we werent sure if it was a terrorist attack or not? we’ll, i flew up to new york to see someone, during that blackout, despite the fact that they werent even sure that the airport would have power back yet.

        i dont think anyone can top that story

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        • Wow. I remember that blackout, first weekend of freshman year. I was in NC and still terrified and glued to CNN. Musta been some POWERFUL stuff!

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  4. Is this why my ex had me ignoring his ignorant ways and acting the fool?

    I was…sprung?

    *vows never to have premarital sex again*

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    • “I was…sprung?”

      girl…these delayed epiphanies are the worst and that’s why sprungness is the devil. these antagonists must be cut off immediately. and if you happen to run into them talk only about belly lint and toe jam.

      *joins jen in prayer while ducking from lightning*

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      • We have a daughter. I interact with him all the time. The Fates think they’re funny, huh?

        I guess he was sprung, too, because I was a CHILD when we were together. In short, I did NOT know how to act.

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  5. Wow….Champ I luv you!

    Ummmmm-hmmmmm…… something about Sunday mornings waking my boo up to some “special blessings” only to be blessed back has me in the kitchen whisltling and literally humming while cooking breakfast…. Starts my week off right!!!! Gives me shivers on Monday and Tingles on Tuesday1

    Damn… almost midnight…. needing toast for real.

    BTW: Even tho Luvie already proclaimed it… I totally feel like a cool kid, staying up late for the new post and ish

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  6. So we’re talking about the type of horizontal, sometimes vertical, acrobatics that have you sitting on your hands at work the next day to fight that urge because the memory has you aroused? The type that makes you zone out while tracing your pen along your lips in your monthly progress meeting? You know the type that makes you forget all that Miss Independent mumbo jumbo?

    Yeah, I’m not familiar with that type at all.

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  7. BULLSH**. No amount of amazing sex will cause me to ignore certain deal breakers/ red flags. That’s how people get stuck on stupid. Good dick doesn’t compensate for a loser dude who treats women badly or acts irresponsibly. Good vagina shouldn’t cause a guy to ignore the fact that his chick is a gold digging chicken head with three STDs (okay maybe I’m being extra but I hope folks get the point). Besides good sex is all mental.

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  8. *going into my prayer closet and locking the door from the INSIDE*

    Anybody who wants to come in better know the secret knock…

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  9. i had a regular jump-off (wednesday & sunday, don’t know how those 2 days came about, but it was clockwork!), and during the week at school we would act like we didn’t know each other, and the sex was so fantabulous….. we never really spoke, except the sh!t talking during sex (had me seeing mythical creatures and sh!t) …. that was the greatest jump-off ever (2 yrs. skrong)!….. dang college was fun.

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    • shyt I knew I was sprung when my college Bf’s roommates started calling me Mariah Carey and I would hear them outside the door singing.. the la la la la la part from Loving you…. and they woud do that shyt in the cafe….ninjas I tell you
      LMAO

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        • they were hating Shay-d…just hating

          I know right.. LOL ninjas! at first I use to be embarrased but its not like we were all out in the middle of the day and shyt.. it would be late at night.. those ninjas were just jealous..LMAO shyt even to this day they still tease me about that… one of those dudes even sent me one of those musical cards that played that song when you open it for my birthday….LMAO that I immediately threw away so Iwouldnt have to explain this shyt to my husband I mean we cool and shyt but I dont want to go testing the limits…..I lost the vocal range after giving birth and to many bouts with tonsilitis..no need of having comparisons drawn and questions asked…LMAO

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  11. How did I know when I was sprung…ummm when I left my perfectly good former friend turned boyfriend on the couch at my sisters house and met my ex outside in his truck……and I couldnt even lie about it…

    Iand then there are the little things.. only he could walk up behind me on “Back that azz up” or Gimme That or any other degrading a$$ song about s.e.x and turn you all the way the f.ck on or make you adopt songs like “Buss it baby” “Shawty” He’s mine” etc as your mantra and as his ring tone…..

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    • How did I know when I was sprung…ummm when I left my perfectly good former friend turned boyfriend on the couch at my sisters house and met my ex outside in his truck……and I couldnt even lie about it…

      you get free gas to hell.

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    • “when I left my perfectly good former friend turned boyfriend on the couch at my sisters house and met my ex outside in his truck……and I couldnt even lie about it…”

      Lady, you were shay-d for real!

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    • Hey I was young dumb and dude was the one that cured my vitamin d deficiency so I was not thinking straight…..and to be honest I wasnt sprung just because he was my first.. He was laying it down.. He is almost up there with my my husband…I do feel bad about it.. I should have never dated my friend anyway but you know..everything happens for a reason.. God knows my heart.. Uh feel free to insert any other meaningless platitude that would fit/excuse my actions

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    • “How did I know when I was sprung…ummm when I left my perfectly good former friend turned boyfriend on the couch at my sisters house and met my ex outside in his truck……and I couldnt even lie about it…”

      Damn that’s effed up. I know how you friend feels cause that same ish happened to me.

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    • “How did I know when I was sprung…ummm when I left my perfectly good former friend turned boyfriend on the couch at my sisters house and met my ex outside in his truck……and I couldnt even lie about it…”

      i think i’m gonna build a new corner for you.

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    • Well, at least it didn’t happen the night of the birthday surprise he carefully planned for you and when you said you didn’t feel good to go dancing and went back to your apartment. On top of it, he found you and the guy in the morning when he came to help you move with your favorite Starbucks drink….

      At least, that didn’t happen.

      *sigh, the things we do*

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  13. True story.. I know someone that read in cosmo or one of those type magazines that certain foods will make you taste..cough.. sweeter..so she very recently went on a week long diet eating passion fruit and pineapples and This same friend even covered her self in honey in the shower so that her skin would taste like honey when he kissed it on a seperate occasion.
    you also know you sprung when you got limited time and you get pi$$ed off at dude for offering to stop and get you something to eat or any date like activity cause you thinking shyt the time we spend on that can be round two….

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    • “you also know you sprung when you got limited time and you get pi$$ed off at dude for offering to stop and get you something to eat or any date like activity cause you thinking shyt the time we spend on that can be round two….”

      I feel that way in general when not sprung… If I were sprung the cashier at the drive thru might get a show with our meal.

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      • “If I were sprung the cashier at the drive thru might get a show with our meal.”

        I’ve been THAT sprung. Wait, maybe it’s better conveyed in español. He sido adicto. Muy, muy.

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      • s.e.x in public normally means 1 or 3 things.. your sprung or your kinky and into being watched/like the dangerin almost getting caught….or all of the above…or your married have a child that wakes up in the middle of the night and comes and climbs right into the middle of your bed so you have to go out on the deck off the bedroom to get some quality time..or so I have heard

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        • “or your married have a child that wakes up in the middle of the night and comes and climbs right into the middle of your bed so you have to go out on the deck off the bedroom to get some quality time”

          Is this your neighbor? :)

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        • “s.e.x in public normally means 1 or 3 things.. your sprung or your kinky and into being watched/like the dangerin almost getting caught….or all of the above”

          I choose all of the above. Because of this post, I was thinking about my ex in the shower this morning, and this is the man whom I was so addicted to that I greeted a drive-thru cashier with the back of my head.

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          • ““s.e.x in public normally means 1 or 3 things.. your sprung or your kinky and into being watched/like the dangerin almost getting caught….or all of the above””

            I’ve had sex in public. But I wasn’t sprung. No.

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    • “know someone that read in cosmo or one of those type magazines that certain foods will make you taste..cough.. sweeter..so she very recently went on a week long diet eating passion fruit and pineapples”

      This is sooooo true.

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    • i had a platonic buddy in college who used to fast and take enemas in the days leading up to whenever her bf (who lived in another state) would visit

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    • i had a boy that swore he got compliments on his “taste” from drinking Mango nectar. IMHO anything that encourages a girl to do me justice is a very good thing. BTW is your girl in the DC metro area cause i need HER number. Even if it ain’t true, every real ninja appreciates effort.

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  14. Maaan!! This post hit the spot! I’m in this situation right NOW! Although I consider my self a pretty rational person, I just keeping acting irrationally when it comes to the P.O.D. (Penis of death) :/

    Kinda stuff that has you calling in late to work just to get a quickie in…even though you’re still in your probationary period and you run the risk of getting FIRED!

    *sigh* why ME Lawd?! Lol<—not really though

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  15. Damn.. that’s some funny shyt. Her baby daddy is Kimbo Slice? haha

    Aight..I’ve had one female that would leave a brotha’s legs shaking 45 min after I made it back to the office. Yeah, she was a lunch hook up. I’d meet up with her at a hotel every few weeks…but dayumm.. it was good to take a 2 hour lunch.

    I need to write about her soon..hmmm
    better yet..I need to text her..

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  17. sprungness (can this be a word? i say yes) is delightful and evil all in the same breath. i mean really, that mess can inspire me to choreograph an entire sequence for alvin ailey (and i don’t remember a lick of ballet) and at the same time get me real close to getting fired. i’m a daydreamer by nature, so when you add the sprung factor to the mix, i’m a goner.

    thing is, getting sprung on a dude can be prompted by a number of strange factors for some women, which is why i agree with #3. i’ve overlooked many a dealbreaker and i sort of laugh at my former self for doing so. see, in my 20′s it was never about good d*ck, instead it was a bit more complicated than that. it was about being the object of his desire on a purely carnal level. this notion made me feel sexxy and had me missing my bus stop and getting to work late. this was more or less ego-trippin’ sprungness.

    but then one day Santa delivered the big VO (not the CO, c’mon use your wheel of fortune skills). flashbacks of this have been known to mimic partial seizures in some women. This magical thing redefined sprungness…i can’t go on it’s 90 degrees with 0% humidity in la la land and my head will combust if i go on any further.

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    • Another lurker checking in.

      That ego-trippin’ sprungness is REAL!!! The time I was (most) sprung, the d*ck was average at best. The man, however, was fine as the day is long. So fine that I initially thought he was out of my league. The nappy dugout must be in a league of its own though cause old boy’s nose was wide open and I was drunk with power. Dude was totally wrong for me but it made me feel like the baddest
      b!tch on the block to have an Adonis on my jock.

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      • Sdot~welcome and sh!t

        “feel like the baddest b!tch on the block to have an Adonis on my jock”

        girl you ain’t never lied, when I broke up with the ex of 14 years… the first person to kick it to me was this dude I been knowd for years, Fine as baby hair…talk about getting my confidence and swagger back (as if I’d ever lost it) geesh, why did I stop seeing that dude? It will come to me

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      • I COULD tell you about missing work cuz I was laid up. Or about the times I whispered nasty ish in his ear so we could leave the spot early and do what we had to do.

        Or about not being able to wait until we get home so we pulled over behind some expensive a$$ condos, handled our biz and then headed home for more.

        Or I could tell you about the time I baked some mac and cheese and made home made chocolate chip cookies and brought them to him (this, btw, led to the sex in my office and the sex behind the condos). :)

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        • “baked some mac and cheese and made home made chocolate chip cookies…”

          This always leads to some kind of raunchy secksual shenanigans. At least, that’s been my experience.

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  19. ha ha – nice. i once met this incredible Nigerian on new years night about 5 years ago (what a coincidence – he just called me today to say whassup!) and was soooo sprung after our first encounter that same evening **what a happy new year it was**, a week later, in the middle of the morning – i called him and invited him over for ‘lunch’ at my place that same day, and he accepted.

    (this is in the middle of the working day, lots of work to do, most staff still on holiday, boss on my case, meetings scheduled back-on-back that day). so i make up some lame ‘i suddenly feel AWFUL, i have to go home, RIGHT NOW!!’ to my sympathetic boss and colleagues (i’m a good employee), ran to the nearest supermarket, picked up some chicken, veg & rice (you have to keep it simple, spicy and delish for the Nigerian brothers), spent two hours hooking up a KILLER meal, jumped into the shower and got all clean and fresh for his arrival…

    and what an arrival it was! totally worth that madness, everytime i think of it, i just smile. we were playmates for another year – he’d call in the middle of the night, and i’d be like ‘come on over!’ **shaking my head in disbelief**

    but i regret nothing, it was truly delicious and we are still cool, years after the flame has died…. hmmmm…. (looks off into the distance, smiles mistily)

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    • “but i regret nothing, it was truly delicious and we are still cool, years after the flame has died…. hmmmm…. (looks off into the distance, smiles mistily)”

      what happened? i mean, why aren’t ya’ll together and sh*t

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      • it was never a proper relationship to begin with – just a quick new years hook up, and although i liked him as a person, we really didn’t have much in common, or anything to talk about beyond light chit-chat about this and that. it was more about the physical connection, really – that was what bound us together… and i appreciated it, but i didn’t want him as my man or anything…so we just slowly fell out of calling each other, and it was no hard feelings… just one of those things. so it’s always good to hear from him, but it’s a wrap.

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  20. I have definitely been sprung…. This guy I dated once, came here to play in our arena football league and was also going around to NFL camps trying to get picked up. His body was off the chain! His man parts…. WOW.

    All this caused me to overlook:

    1. Not once did he take me on the date, in the entire time we were “together.”

    2. He had a child that he’d only provide financial support for.

    3. That he’d call me to come over after getting off from his 3rd shift job (I had a 1st shift job) where I drove 25 minutes away to his apartment, let him knock me off, and I’d sleep for a couple of hours and go home and shower and dress for work.

    He was most certainly a learning experience.

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    • Sunshine that is some crazy sh*t right there, but thats whatcrazy sex will do to you. Have you speaking in tongues, oh boy!!!

      -JM
      MrSwagger.com

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    • Feelin you on this one, Nicki. Some of the thangs I have endured to get to the golden rod….I’d like to think that I’m older and wiser, but a few of them ninjas was worth it. Not all, but some. I got Luther Ingraham singing on my pandora radio right now – If loving that rod is wrong, I don’t wanna be right!

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    • I have been there before…

      I have not been dick-matized for a while. That good good will have you doing crazy *ish.

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      • “LOL. Guys, this is one of the reasons that have led to my celibacy now! :) ”

        sex is the only thing on earth where too much quality and quantity can sometimes lead to someone completely getting rid of it.

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  21. Definitely feeling this post – VSB are y’all reading my mind when you think of these? Cuz I’ve been shivering and twitching for a minute with my Haitian hottie! Before that, though I was holding it down for my Nigerian brothas (happy independance black people – don’t forget to break me off some goat!) I’ve been “privileged” enough to experience a few brothas with that MAGIC STICK – and side note, they are always the most humble about their stuff (jedi mind trick, anyone?) “My stuff’s not that big…really, why are you limping?” My years on this earth have taught me that humble pie is usually the tastiest. And the biggest.

    I had one such monstrosity who would pin me down, stroke my forhead ever so gently and say softly, “Good girl. Good guuurrrlll..” while doing the deed. So pervy. So good. So…..I think I need a bathroom break.

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  22. Lawd…just reading that above post I had a flashback of tongue ring guy. Dayum you champ!!! ::shakes angry fist::
    I didn’t need a post like this when my self-imposed drought is on the verge of falling by the wayside.
    2001 –I was there…super sprung. Instead of ironing clothes at 3am, I was up cooking, after he got off from work. Yeah, imagine that…waking up outta a dead azz sleep to cook some chicken fried steak complete with fixins and was happy to do it, because I knew I was gonna get done up 8 ways from Sunday. Then skipping work, so it could go on all day. I nearly lost that job behind that kat.
    Ahhh to be 22 again…lmao

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  23. That Kimmie story was hilarious, i miss college. We would hear some of the most craziest s3x phrases…I think im gonna blurt out “f*ckkkkk!! toaster!!” tonight just for kicks.

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  24. Hi. My name is Monk…and I too have been “SunShined” before. I refuse to call it “sprung” so I’ll just refer to Lela Rochon’s character in “Harlem Nights”.

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  26. First off, for college cats that ain’t sprung thats just normal.

    In college the fact that you getting regular On-Demand is such a new concept that everything else just seems to lose importance.

    You got a test in the morning? So what have Keisha walk her behind to the room at 3am. Besides you need some to sleep good and have a great morning.

    You watching football with your boys? As long as it ain’t your teams playing you get that text from Keisha, and its dueces to them ni**as.

    That On-Demand concept is one of the great realizations in every man’s life.

    As for really really sprung though. I can’t speak on that directly, but I got a couple girls you can call, they might have some things to tell y’all.

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    • “In college the fact that you getting regular On-Demand is such a new concept that everything else just seems to lose importance.”

      this is true. honestly, its probably the number one reason for freshman dropouts

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      • this is true. honestly, its probably the number one reason for freshman dropouts

        I was missing so much class from staying up late and getting my new found freak on I ended up dropping classes to prevent from getting an F..I started with 18 hours ended the semester with 6. Now I dont know about most schools but at my college there was a big jump from 24 hours to be a sophomore to 60 that would make you a junior and I had to have a certain number of hours each semester for my scholarship (found all of this out during Christmas break) suffice to say I ended up taking 24 hours the next semester.. I took 18 hours on campus and 6 hours at our satellite center that offered those accelerated courses where they have those mini terms?. Now I was sprung but I wasnt sprung enough to have to explain to my mother that I was about to lose my scholarship. On top of that I had a job in the registrar’s office and I was supposed to complete a certain number of hours. I didnt think anything would happen when I was calling in but I ended up having to work almost my whole christmas break to make up those hours… It wasnt all bad..dude lived off campus up there so…I stayed up there that summer and took courses…LOL he is both the reason I almost failed and the reason I graduated early talk about your magic stick

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  27. I dont think I ever got any cutty that made me jump up and do random house work. But I did get that cutty that paralyzes you. So good you just stuck lying in bed, cant move, cant breathe. And then this jawn use to get a warm rag and wipe me down, I dont know there is something about all of that that makes me smile….

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  28. “there’s sex, good sex, very good sex, and sex that’ll have you doing and saying the most inane and unbelievable sh*t during and directly after the act.”

    HaHa. Yeah I have definitely been sprung. That’s the reason that I stayed with my ex so long. The sex was amazing each time and he had me doing cartwheels, singing for no reason, and all sorts of crazy things. It’s funny how you overlook the little things when the sex is on point…

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  30. Hmmm…crazy sex must not be worth all that much; because the majority of the sprungness stories I’ve read on here today are about an EX…Something to think about.

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  31. “soon, though, the moans would then give way to the words. by “the words” i mean that when kimmie was kumming, she’d scream out some of the most bewildering, befuddling, and hilarious word combination’s known to man. from “you’re punching it papachulo” to something that sounded like “f*ckkkkk!! toaster!! f*ckkkkk!! toaster!! f*ckkkkk!! toaster!!”, she’d use horrifically awkward syntax, with word combination’s sounding similar to something you might overhear at in an esl classroom for asian toddlers with tourettes”

    this is wow. very well written…the way literary fiction starts..Hopefully this really WASN’T literary fiction because you might need …ummm…one or two intsy wintsy more people-Champ. But wow. I hope you guys get a book deal soon.

    um in regards to “the gotda%n!” and the creative spirit. That has to be the best channeling one can do. If your @zz is fallin for a mythical unicorn (wk cite Alise) and raining pixie dust, why not fuse it into something you can show the world.

    Some of my best thoughts, work, ideas came from coming down with the “gotda&n”. In fact if more congressional people had it, we might NOT be in this fiscal crisis. There would have already been an immediately solution. But the repubs are such (tight @zzes) pun intended we’re tettering on the great depression part 2 (actually bigger than part 1 but whatev).

    inspiration saves the world, tell a friend, get some @zz..fall in love.

    Reply ↓

  33. Yes I too have been there…LOL…

    I was gettin it soo good from this man who could eat me like I was the last supper (I know ya’ll will save me a spot in hell for that line) But anyway he had me so sprung that once (ok ok three times) I had him come to MY JOB DURING MY LUNCH BREAK and break me off in the ladies room… Skirt hiked up, heels still on, back pressed against cold tiles on the wall as he held me up, kissing me like the elixir of life was in my tongue (to suppress my moans) and the thirst of his passion could only be quenched within my sugary walls… *Sigh* jeopardizing my job/ image for a quickie…Yeah, I was definitely on one… But I’d do it all over again.

    Reply ↓

  34. Once, after tripping the light fantastic, I got to work early, whistling, talking about how beautifully melodic the birds sounded that morning, wishing everyone a great day.

    I wasn’t sprung. I just had a great night.

    Reply ↓

        • “he called to say he got to work 2 and half hours late and couldn’t focus all day”

          You know you did your job right. lol

          Reply ↓

  36. OK, So I subscribed to this blog sometime ago and usually lurk… but this morning I HAD to comment on this particular blog. You hit the nail on the head. 10 years deep in “love” er lust. DAMN. I still shiver. So yes I was, am, don’t really wanna be kinda sprung anymore…. well maybe just one more time ;) whew… I need a minute now.

    Reply ↓

  37. Sprung is when you plan to go all the way to DC (something about DC men *smh* mmm mmm mmm) to see said person, trip gets cancelled you get pissed and cry for two days to your girlfriends. Trip gets rescheduled, (you swap gratuitous body part pics) and world harmony resumes. Or as my friend LC likes to say, I can get my ass off my shoulders now.

    Reply ↓

      • i stumbed upon mine by complete accident in LA but he doesn’t live here. I saw some wonderful eye candy down near china town at the movies, over there where all the clubs are where the Bohemian Taverns and those spots are, hell on the train. They were everywhere. And they lacked a certain bitchassness
        LA dudes tend to have. One of my girlfriends followed one and now they are getting married. My damn nose is open wide enough to drive a suburban through.

        Reply ↓

          • lol.
            maybe i should stop giving away trade secrets before i incriminate myself. i’ll be outside that place and someone will see me and say hey! where’s that dude with the magic stick. it wouldnt be the first time someone recognized me from the internet.

            Reply ↓

          • “yeah, all the ladies i know say that Bohemian Caverns is where all the hot cats hang out…”

            Now you know you need more people.

            Panda’s can’t help you now.

            Reply ↓

            • I can’t testify to the mental facilities but the physical was lookin kinda right to me.

              but im just partial to DC

              and Ben’s chili bowl.

              Reply ↓

            • I’ll be one more person for PeeJay.

              Sometimes I go to the 7-Eleven down the block, get a Pomegranate Slurpee and stand outside of Bohemian Cavern and enjoy my frosty beverage and the sights. The men range from lukewarm to pretty darn hot, for sure. All sizes and flavors….mmmhmm.

              Reply ↓

  38. lmao im so vain… lately i been thinkin these posts are about me… lol im sprung right now… i used to think i was a nympho but once i got this one thats hitting “the spot” for me, 2 rounds and im down for the count, lmao… it helps that he’s equally sprung: he’s always singing or doing something silly, buying me things…*sigh*

    omg i gotta make a phone call, lmao

    Reply ↓

  39. This is totally off topic, but I need some advice on this situation that me and a good friend of mine are having a disagreement about. Everyone on here seems very smart and I hold your opinions in high regards. Here goes:

    If you marry a mute person, are you still spoken for?

    Reply ↓

  40. Well I think we are all aware that I was horribly sprung. I mean I can still have a flashback today and I haven’t touched dude in over a year.

    D*mn that was some good a$$ d*ck.

    I’m gonna go cry now.

    Reply ↓

  41. Champ, I’ll come up with some amazing sh*t in my head to make excuses to get at side piece numero uno, but if that chick’s baby daddy is Kimbo Slice, I may just have to opt for the subpar snatch!

    Reply ↓

  42. This sh*t right here is why I am abstinent…2 grown azz people should not be in the parking lot of a restaurant, in the front seat of the car with the seat let way back cause the d or p is so good you couldnt wait til after dinner. Or you shouldnt drive half way across town in pouring down rain with nothing but a jacket on and are so hot in anticipation that you want to take the jacket off but cant, cause your naked so you blast the AC and let the windows down and its 40 degrees outside. Those still moments during the day at work when your mind drifts off and you let out a smooth slow mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm…and then realize that your eyes are closed and the mmmmmmmm that you thought was low was actually loud and all your cube mates are looking at you funny. The moments that are so HOT that when do get to him, you wake up 2 hours later realizing that you never made it past the door and it is still slightly ajar. This sh*t right here is why I am abstinent. Good post…..dammit, I need to go get my abstinent shot before I fall off the wagon.

    Reply ↓

    • whenever you feel yourself falling off the wagon…just remember all the bad d**k you’ve had or d**k that gave you more drama than you needed. that will keep that ass right. or, visit thepleasurechest.com and make a purchase. i suggest the silver bullet.

      Reply ↓

      • Honestly now that I am in Houston, the thought of purchasing “items” have crossed my mind more than once. BUT dayummit, I hate one man shows!!! As long as post like this stay few and far between, I think me and my abstinent shot will be good. I think I will go to Michaels and take up knitting with the old ladies. That should keep my mind occupied.

        Reply ↓

          • I will ask my BFF GOODeness to hook me up then. I will have to go on a date and introduce myself to “him” and see how we get along first before we go there. LOL! Its been so long, is it actually possible to get sprung on a “pleasure item”?

            Reply ↓

              • So now I have two things to do when I move into my new digs….walk around completely naked and play with toys. Hmmmmmm….This is getting interesting. LOL! I will report back upon completion of my mission.

                Reply ↓

              • or maybe remove the batteries from the emergency flashlight or your sons life size Transformer toy. These are things I can see myself doing, if the “snack” calms the storm with in.

                Reply ↓

        • “As long as post like this stay few and far between, I think me and my abstinent shot will be good”

          so our words have a direct influence on your sex life? wow. i dont know if i want that type of power

          Reply ↓

          • Your words bring back memories, so maybe just a little bit of influence but I have no sex life, so not that much influence. But if I did have a sex life I would be making some phone calls and arranging a road trip home this weekend.

            Reply ↓

          • @ Jeandra…

            My toy lady (yes, I have a “toy lady”. she’s a librarian and wife & mother by day…dirtysexylove peddler on the weekends) told me the more expensive the toy, the better the brand of battery you use. The cheaper the toy, the cheaper the battery. High-end toys won’t make it on cheap batteries and bargain toys get burned out quick on high-end batteries.

            FYI, n’ shyt.

            Reply ↓

  43. If I say that while I’ve had some terrific d!ck but never been sprung like THAT, y’all ain’t gonna believe me, are you?

    Nope. Didn’t think so.

    Dang, I don’t even believe me.

    Reply ↓

  44. good ish!

    but I’m a quiet lover… I need to find me some of that d that make me yell out ish that don’t make sense… I guess that will be my new mission in life… might just have to marry that one

    Reply ↓

    • find that person you always thought was kinda cute but never thought much of it. that’s the one that’s going to turn you out.

      Reply ↓

  45. I’ll admit im sprung… and we both know it… and since he’s been there for the past 2 years… almost anything can cause a flash back.

    but we’re on that Long Distance tip right now… so im not-so-patiently counting down those 17 days until i see him.

    Death by chocolate has never felt so good. like that:
    -making and posting dedicated playlists,
    -lacking the expansive vocabulary needed to describe it,
    -staying on the phone all hours of the night just to hear him breathe,
    -receiving good morning texts even though we just got off the phone 2 hours ago…
    GOOD

    *goes back to her English Paper…. aka day dreaming and thinking of him*

    Reply ↓

  46. I keep coming back to this post, attempting to relate yet another “PBG True Story” on the subject, but I can’t.

    Every time I start out typing and thinking about “The Infamous IT Guy” aka “The Alpha and The Omega” bka “Baby Leg” and all that “Sunshinin’” he did to me a couple years back, I end up sliding off my chair and under the desk in the fetal position, reciting random Bible verses w/my eyes wide shut.

    He just started calling/texting me again 2 weeks ago. I am a’feared.

    Reply ↓

    • i have an ex like that too. i think you should keep him around for virtual jollies. oh, and testing your new game material on. people who are friendly with ex’s that’s all we keep them around for. to test new material.

      Reply ↓

    • “He just started calling/texting me again 2 weeks ago. I am a’feared.”

      Don’t asnwer that phone girl…lol

      Reply ↓

  47. *IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT*

    Beezlebub called and he said he got VIP suites for the ENTIRE VSB family. The past 3 – 4 posts have been soooo damn IGNANT, that Hell’s 4-Star resort is now over-booked.

    Me, well. St. Peter got a cloud reserved for me (YES LAWD)

    *kneels to pray again*

    Reply ↓

    • I knew something like this would happen when Goodie first sent me over here.

      Let me see if I can switch to Catholicism real quick, go to confession and straighten all this out. I will not forfeit my salvation messin’ w/unicorns, blacks squirrels, privileges and superior carnal relations for NOBODY!!

      Reply ↓

    • me thinks all this “kneeling” business is what got some of yall sprungins in trouble in the first place lol

      Reply ↓

    • “Me, well. St. Peter got a cloud reserved for me (YES LAWD)”

      Really? Do you honestly actually believe your own BS? I’m just wondering, cause when I worked in mental health services this is the kind of stuff my clients would say when they were off their medications

      Reply ↓

  51. Okay…so I’ve had four men in my life who qualified for the top 1%. Two of those four were so good that I would have talked to/looked directly at a midget albino clown for a full ten seconds just to get some.

    I guess that means I was sprung.

    Sigh.

    Reply ↓

  52. I have a serious question for my VSB women out there.

    If me or any of my friends are seriously done in, to the point when we start forgetting what our own man-parts look like. We might slum it and take the plunge into an ex or worst case scenario a sub-par chick, if necessary.

    Why don’t women do this????

    I know women who will ignore a dude’s phone call, then sigh and say “its been over a year since I had any, I’m sooooooooooo horny”.

    YOU JUST IGNORED A CALL ON A DUDE THAT WOULD HAVE HAPPILY BROKE YOU OFF!!!!

    Not saying that everytime you’re a hornball you start slutting it up, but why don’t you have a go-to partner to break you off while you’re in between relationships? It just seems like the common sense thing to do.

    Reply ↓

  53. So… this is my first post
    I think… im sprung
    she is a friend of mine that i got “close to” in a sense
    it was great and cool but i understand the whole stupid things piece its like a movie i saw i just can’t remember which
    so now i will go back to my day and talking to her as her is falling for someone else…….

    Reply ↓

    • If you haven’t told her that you like her (or the capacity in which you like her), then do so. If you have, but she’s still feelin’ this other dude, theres not much your going to be able to do. People like what they like, for whatever reason.

      Either way, chances are your going to be fighting an uphill battle since you’re already in the friend zone. Liken it to something like the Invasion of Normandy during WWII.

      Reply ↓

      • LOL if she was feeling you, best know should make sure you didn’t know about the other dude!

        Any why are you the eighth hokage? why not the 6th or seventh….?
        P.S Welcome!

        Reply ↓

  54. Well aint that the damn truth.
    Strangely enough, my defense mechanism for said “springboard” is to hit it and quit it before they do. Convince myself that its not possible for us to do it again for fear of spontaneously combusting… or him going coo-koo for my cooch-puffs… anything but a repeat.

    Memories are better that way.
    :-)

    Reply ↓

    • i’ve had this happen to me and i was extremely NaCl about the whole thing…How you gonna let a ninja put in good work on the vajayjay and just tease him for his effort? What’s the matter with letting a ninja get at least a short run in syndication? Sistas always complain about the lack of good D and here you go just letting it fall by the wayside. The gods give a thumbs down.

      Reply ↓

  55. I had a busy day at work, so I am just now getting to post this….but senior year of college…damn!! I mean, he had me walking by myself at night down the Strip (shout out to the AUC), sometimes in the rain and the cold just to get a taste of that sweet licorice stick. Buying him breakfast from McDonalds the next morning, letting him use my card to check books out of the library. LOL!! And of course, I did not see him for who he was until after we were no longer within booty call distance. He was an a$$ and I have no interest in hooking up with him again b/c I’ve had better and sweeter licorice since, but I definitely enjoyed those times.

    Reply ↓

  56. i think too short said in shake that monkey “Its been a while more than 10 years past; When ya close ya eyes you can still see her a$$”

    Reply ↓

  57. LMAO

    Back in college, one of my boys was whupped by this local chick he met that was straight buttaface – I mean Michael Clark Duncan and Angel Lola Luv must have had a love child.

    She’d call him once or twice a week and he would drop whatever he was doing/had planned and roll out; skip class, miss b-ball games, work, etc… This went on for about 2 semesters, until she moved to another city. Me and the fellas were clowning him one day early on. He was on his way to meet her again and somebody asked what was up with Ms. Green Bangin’ Ass Body Mile:

    “Man, is it that good that your ass is skipping classes and s**t ?”

    “Fellas – she keeps putting that “CC” on me – sux and fux me til I feel about dead and when I wake up, it’s like I slept for 8 years. ”

    “CC? What the hell is CC?”

    “Coma Coochie – that COMA COOCHIE! “

    Reply ↓

  58. i like to refer to that as PIFS (post-illmatic f* syndrome) – cuz i don’t get shivers after anything traumatic…

    Reply ↓

  59. so um… his name was… and he was um… it’s odd – i wasn’t attracted to him and although he was really nice, he didn’t really interest me much… until – yeah – and i could easily ignore the fact the his baby mama was a damm idiot who just started s* cuz the day ended in “y” – and his leather furniture was all tore up – and his son was bad as s*, jumping on it and s*, and no one wanted to discipline him…

    and then, one day, he lied to me –

    and i left. the end.

    oddly enough, i NEVER introduced him to ANYONE i was friends with – on purpose…

    Reply ↓

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