I’m a man. What that inevitably means is that at some point in time, I’ve said something uber-stupid or done something uber-dumb in regards to women. In my attempts to look cool to the chicas, I probably waylamed myself out. Lucky for me, I’m who I am, so despite myself, I manage to be me ,which is always a good thing.
I’m also humble. It’s one of my finer qualities. And I have so many. Modesty is definitely another one.
I slay me. I really do.
With that in mind, earlier today I got to thinking about some times when I’ve put my foot in my mouth when talking to a woman. Sometimes it was on purpose, other times, not so much. I heard somewhere one day that there are certain questions that you just don’t ask a woman. “How old are you?” and “How much do you weigh?” are the clear front runners but to me, that seems to leave a plethora of questions that men need to know not to ask women.
Since benevolence is ALSO one of my great qualities (there I go with the humble modesty again), and since we at VSB.com are all about the education of the people (we’re SO anti mis-education of Negroes), I figure that the least I can do is share with my fellow brethren is a few other questions that you should just never ask a woman. Mmkay?
1. So, when are you due?
I’ve witnessed my father ask this of a woman before. Not.Pretty. Not only was she not expecting, she didn’t even look like she was. Pops just figured “what the hell, I’m married, I’ll never see her naked anyway, let’s see if she’s pregnant.” Patriarchal knowledge aside, unless you know for a fact that a thicker chick is pregnant, it doesn’t behoove you to wonder that wonderment. On the flip side, it’s ALWAYS funny to ask a non-pregnant woman if she’s expecting, especially if you never want to see her naked. Mostly because you probably won’t after you ask that question. Plus, if she is, you exposed her. Geraldo would be proud.
2. (after getting her name) So, is that your stage name or what?
I remember the first time my homey Boom told me about her boy doing that in Lenox Mall in Atlanta, I teared up from laughing so hard. Mostly, because I’d like to do that one day. Just seems like a hoot. Besides, all chicks are undercover strippers anyway, you might be boosting her ego. It helps to throw a dollar at her.
3. How long do you normally make guys wait before they hit? Two? Three dates?
This is a bad question all around. For one, let’s say she does only make cats wait two dates, but now you done blown up her spot so she has to make it seem like that’s not the case. You just added a few dates onto your sentence, homey. What a dumbarse. The game is to be sold, not to be told. There you go telling me no, again. There you go.
Sorry, had a Keith Sweat moment.
4. Do you mind if I don’t spend the night?
Especially if you follow it up with, “I’ve got a early morning meeting at 2pm tomorrow. ” Look, nobody wants to feel used. It hurts. And to add insult to injury, it’s not like you were going to put money on the nightstand, so its like you left AND it was a freeby. That’s just rude. It’s better to just get up and leave WITHOUT asking. Tsk. Too many words, friend. Too many words.
5. How do you feel about the song “Put It In Your Mouth”?
If you’re not in the club and the song just went off, this is never a good question to ask a woman. For one, it kind of implies that you care about her opinion of Akinyele. And NOBODY cares about Akinyele. She’ll think you have bad taste in rappers and that won’t even get you to second base, pal. Keep the hip-hop discussions above board and just ask the question, who’s the best rapper in NY, “Jay-Z, Biggie, or Nas”. By the way, Biggie? Dead.
So, what are some other questions that you should never ask a woman? And ladies, us brothas need help here. What should we NEVER ask you?
This is education.
It was written.
-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P