Dating, Relationships, & Sex, Pop Culture

Going Nowhere Fast, We’ve Reached Our Climax

Heed the signs ninja.

One of my absolute favorite songs right now is Usher’s “Climax”. For various reasons: 1) its a sadly beautiful song that most people I’ve talked think has to do with sex, which I find humorous; 2) Diplo did the beat and I’ve never heard him make something so subdued and sleek; and 3) I’m just glad to hear Usher back making quality music instead of chasing trends. Usher’s had a fairly non-monumental go of it the past few years. Culminating in him jumping on the dance-music craze and making songs where the artist doesn’t matter at all because the music is what people know. Though, I can’t front “OMG” was my sh*t. But you could have given that to David Hung and it would have been a hit.

The main reason though (aside from just being dope) is because I’ve been there. The lyrics of the song are about two people who have basically reached the apex of their relationship and are letting go because the lows kept getting in the way of the highs. And neither person wants to give in so they let go. And sometimes, that’s what you have to do.

This might go against what everybody always preaches about the ability to work through things and that being the true definition of love. And maybe it is. But the TRUTH of the matter is that sometimes, you’ve made it as far as you can as a unit. Sometimes the best relationship decision that you can make is to “love each other separately”.

Every relationship has highs and lows. We all know this. The only way to thrive in those relationships is if the highs are higher than the lows are lower. For some odd reason, people seem to have an issue with letting go though. No matter how low we’ve been, we just need one high to convince us that we can regain all of those high moments that we had. We’re all relationship crackheads. One hit of possibility can erase all impasses we see in front of us. At least temporarily. But it allows us to believe in the potential. We have to right? That’s how we even got there in the first place, the potential. But maybe, just maybe, there is a climax to certain relationships.

I think most people know if the relationship they are in can make it. Or they at least have some idea. A lot of us hold on because we don’t know how to let go so we just stick around for whatever reason hoping to be convinced in one direction or another. That’s a somber way to look at relationships, but I don’t know that its totally off. Yes, you have people who are absolutely crazy in love and thats beautiful and something to aspire towards. You also have people who KNOW they should let go but refuse to do so for whatever reason. And that’s not a man or woman thing, its a people thing. We refuse to believe what we know; that we’ve gone as far as we can with this person because we’ve gone through too much to go on, and too much to go back. You’re at a place where you are ACTUALLY at the climax of your relationship.

When you get there you either choose to stay and slide back into the negativity, or you break up, move on, and miss that person while accepting that you’ve done what you had to in order to live your life being able to breathe. For many of us, love is our air. When you’re in a relationship with somebody that you love, being with that person is like breathing. For better or worse. If that relationship ends then you can’t breathe on your own…you need a ventilator of sorts which can be family, friends, a journal, etc. But eventually you have to choose to learn to breathe without that person. And that’s the circle of life. Everybody has been there. Love can make you feel 9 feet tall or make you feel as if you’ve been beaten up with a brick.

But you learn to breath again. The world ends until it starts again. And it always starts again. The key is to realize when you need to lock in for the long haul or when you need to bail so that you two can both move on and remember, but never forget. It is totally possible to go nowhere fast in a relationship. The sooner we all realize what type of situation we’re in, the better.

Recognize the climax. It’s okay to love somebody forever. But you have to realize what that love is costing you. It could be your forever.

So, VSBers, have you ever been in a relationship where you realized it had an expiration or had reached its climax? Were you able to let go for the betterment of everybody involved? Or did you have to learn the hard way?

Do tell.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka MR. WE WERE TOGETHER, NOW WE’RE UNDONE aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

Новинка москитная сетка антикошка moskitka.ru.

Damon Young

Panama Jackson is pretty fly for a light guy. When he's not saving humanity with his words or making music with his mouth, you can find him at your mama's mama's house drinking her fine liquors. He believes the children are our future and is waiting to find out if he is the 2nd most interesting man in the world.

  • nillalatte

    “So, VSBers, have you ever been in a relationship where you realized it had an expiration or had reached its climax? Were you able to let go for the betterment of everybody involved? Or did you have to learn the hard way?”

    Yes. Yes. Yes.

    • Meisarebel

      Are we talking about 3 different relationships?

      • nillalatte

        LOL… probably. And, then again, not always. ;)

    • nillalatte

      Really didn’t give y’all much there did I? Welp, here’s the issue. I’m being pulled into a relationship right now and I’m ambivalent. I want it, but I’m shell shocked. He, too, has trust issues. We’re both a pitiful pair when it comes to relationships.

      Several weeks ago I had a health scare that landed me in the ER. Since that time, he’s been fairly constant in my life. It’s the little things that he’s been doing to draw me closer; taking me and my kids to the airport when I went out of town, taking care of my house and dogs while I was gone, cleaning things in my house and taking out the trash, giving me advice, hanging out at the house, etc. He picked us up at the airport and upon arriving home he told my son he was going to move in with us.

      One night we were out and he stated that we were past the honeymoon stage. I was like “Where was I?” He responded, “I’m comfortable with you.”

      This past weekend his cousins were in town and he said he spent all night talking to one of his cousins. He told me about the conversation saying he told his cousin about me and she apparently stated that she can tell he’s happy because he just glows when he talks about me.

      To further complicate matters, I plan to move out of town soon, maybe, and he can’t because his son is here. He said he knows that I have feelings for him, but won’t admit it. And, so we just kind of take each day as it comes with no promises or commitments, and just enjoy each others company when we can be together.

      Has this relationship reached it’s climax? Not even close. Can I let go? Yes, if/when we part ways, I will. It’s a process. But, you know what, I don’t think he will ever completely be out of my life in the future. Because for some reason we don’t want to let go yet.

      • http://afrikanmami.blogspot.com African Mami

        Meisarebel,

        This is your one and only chance to woo this woman. Don’t mess up. She is emotionally fragile!

        • nillalatte

          LOL… not.at.all. Mami. Ice Box. :D

          • Meisarebel

            Your contradictory persona intrigues me, woman.

            Mother of Dragons, breathing fire, while simultaneously being an Ice Box? I see I said…

            I know not what the future holds for us, but I am willing to bet that it can prove to be very fulfilling. Taking Usher’s song to the sensual meaning many mistake it for. We already have Mami’s blessing.

            • nillalatte

              I have an inquisitive nature too Meisarebel, but you’ve missed so many discussions that I hardly know you! You have to give in order to receive, ya know.

              For example, you must know my zodiac sign and your must be compatible with mine for future consideration. So, my intended boo, what is your zodiac sign? In a drowning situation, would you save your wife or our child? Can you stimulate me intellectually (and the topic not be hip hop… lol)? You have a lot of catching up to do dear sir.

              • http://afrikanmami.blogspot.com African Mami

                Queen,

                I know the question is meant for your he who is rebellious! BUUUUT. My husband and LOINS?!—–>kid, I’m saving my daughter FIRST! Is it selfish, I do not know neither care. I would die if my daughter drowned when I’m there trying to save her father……blood is thicker than water where I’m from.

                • nillalatte

                  @Mami, I’ve learned there are a hand full of men who feel this way. That’s why I asked the question. Champ wrote a post about this a while back and you should see the responses. It was really an eye-opening moment for me. I had never realized how many men would sacrifice their child for their wife. That question has become a standard for me now to determine if me and a future man are on the same page. If we ain’t, we ain’t gonna work. That is how strongly I feel about the answer.

                  • Meisarebel

                    Hmm… Welp, gave my answer already, so it’s in fate’s hands now.

              • Meisarebel

                1. Scorpio.
                2. Wife. Though we will grieve, WE made the union to go through thick and thin together. My child? Not so much.
                3. Yes. And considering I’m not a hip hop purist (thus my absence from the last post), I don’t think you have much to fear there.

                • nillalatte

                  @ Meisarebel:

                  Question 1: +1 point
                  Question 2: -1 point
                  Question 3: +1 point

                  Total score: Being a Scorpio definitely puts you in the erotica category with my Virgo zodiac and we could have amazing chex and a very intimate connection. You could definitely open areas in me that would turn you up on high passion. We’d be loyal and honest to each other while setting the bedroom on fire. We’d feel very safe with each other.

                  Intellectual stimulation will keep us in tune with one another for a very long time. We love to engage in cerebral coital because that would only make for more passionate love making.

                  However, our erotica relationship would never move past more than a deeply passionate FWB because saving a child from death is more important to me than saving me. Let our children live! Protect them. I can be replaced.

                  You have now officially become my e-boo. ;) Let the games begin. :D

                  • Meisarebel

                    Success!

                    Our sex shall be profound, our conversations climatic.

                    A new day is upon us folks!

                    • http://afrikanmami.blogspot.com African Mami

                      @ Meisarebel,

                      You are going to choose your wife OVER your kid?! Like for real for real?!

                      If I was your wife, oh mi gosh, I would so drown myself so that you could concentrate your energies on saving our baby!!!! Oh mi gosh…..shiiiiiiiid!!!!! I know a marriage is you and my Queen, but damn it, when ya’ll have queenlets, you berra save the letsies first!!!

                • http://twitter.com/kjnetic King Jordan

                  “2. Wife. Though we will grieve, WE made the union to go through thick and thin together. My child? Not so much.”

                  i actually dig you answer…the feelings one has for someone they are IN LOVE with, as opposed to someone they LOVE, can lead to totally different choices.

      • MJoy

        Work it out. It is not worth giving up something with potential to come here specifically.

    • Tiffany

      Awesome article Panama! You thoroughly explained why this song is absolutely amazing…it’s deep and it’s real

  • That Ugly Kid

    Only been in love twice. And it sucked both times. Got cheated on both times, I’m not going through that sh*t again. So boohoo, f*ck love yada yada, you know where I’m going with this. I can tell you one thing though, I’ll never trust a woman again, that you can be gotd*mn sure of.

    • Editgirl

      Just out of curiosity, if someone was robbed by a black, white or hispanic man, does that mean they should never trust that ethnicity again in life? Would it be healthy to say, I will never trust a black man again because one once robbed my cousin?

      • http://twitter.com/kjnetic King Jordan

        “Would it be healthy to say, I will never trust a black man again because one once robbed my cousin?”

        You know how many black women don’t trust black men anymore?

        it is what it is.

        • Editgirl

          I’d say the same thing to them. I will NEVER not trust the man I’m in a relationship with and I’m a black woman. Never. Otherwise, why are we in relationship? Heck, why are we getting beyond 3 dates if you’re an untrustworthy being?

        • TheRealestLeo

          Amen to this one. It pains me to hear that from women these days.

          • http://twitter.com/kjnetic King Jordan

            i don’t fight it no more bruh.

            *wobbles to the back*

            • TheRealestLeo

              I try not to fight it, either. There’s no point in proving yourself to people that aren’t going to listen to your argument anyway and have already written you off for something you (specifically) had nothing to do with.

        • Mo-VSS

          What it is, is bullsh*t.

          I don’t know about anyone else, but there are a lot of things that I got happened that I didn’t like but I damn sure won’t let that stop me from trusting, loving and giving to someone. Should the experiences help shape us so we can avoid choosing similar individuals? Yes. But, should it stop us from living without a vital part of life?

          No

          • http://asiyah3.wordpress.com Asiyah

            I wish I were like you Mo-VSS but I am too traumatized and once you hurt me I will just shut off forever.

          • http://www.shay-d-lady.com shay-d-lady

            here here mo!
            how can you ever expect to be in a healthy relationship without trust. so you gone let 1 or 2 wack a.s.s mofo’s determine how you spend the rest of your life?
            come on!
            look at the situation try to learn from it and mvoe on but im not letting nan mofo make me a bitter lonely cat woman.

          • CNotes

            Totally agree with you! People need to learn to rise above bad experiences and continue to live a full life. If you get hurt over and over by (wo)men…..check what you may be doing to contribute to whats wrong (not paying attention to signs, not considering bad character traits, choosing based on looks alone), and approach it differently going forward. No risk. No reward.

        • http://www.twitter.com/Think2Inpire Think2Inspire

          (^_^)/ I trust black men. I think it is motherfuck*ng crazy to not trust _insert color_ men because of one relationship. There are crazy people out there of every race, color, creed, lineage and kinship group. If all the men/women you date are’t trustworty (every single one) then it may be time to evaluate ya self.

    • Latonya

      Why that’s sad don’t give up on love! Maybe those women were not the the one that you need to be with?

    • Justmetheguy

      Oh relax youngster. You’ll trust a chick again. It might take a lot, but it’ll happen.

      It’s much harder and more stressful to never trust ANY woman. You’ll need that at some point. Even if just from a platonic friend.

      I could see if you said you’ll never COMPLETELY trust another woman (although even that I find highly unlikely) in a relationship though. It would be better if you did though

      • AfroPetite

        +1

      • That Ugly Kid

        “Oh relax youngster.”

        N*gga, you’re like 3 years older than me, lol. That’s like Shaq callin Dirk Nowitski (I give zero f*cks about the butcherment of his name) “shorty.”

        • http://www.twitter.com/Think2Inpire Think2Inspire

          Im always in situations where Im the youngest person. Sometimes by a few years other times months. But every freaking time people act like there are decades between us.
          Them: “Think2Inspire do you remember Power Rangers?”
          Me: “Yea Power Rangers in Space had a trill theme song.”
          Them: “Oh you’re just a baby! The original PR came out in 1994. I was 7 years old back then.”
          Me: Thinks to self *does two years really mean that much to you?*

          • MJoy

            lol, I’m guilty of this

        • thelonius

          Age is nothing but a number

      • https://twitter.com/#!/IluminatiNYC Todd

        I could see if you said you’ll never COMPLETELY trust another woman (although even that I find highly unlikely) in a relationship though. It would be better if you did though

        EXACTLY what I was thinking. The regs know my rap sheet, so I won’t put it out there. That said, even I give women the benefit of the doubt. I figure why make up reasons to distrust them when their own behavior will either prove me right or prove me wrong? There are plenty of reasons to hate on people. No need to create your own.

    • http://www.shardesaidwhat.blogspot.com Sharde Marie

      Sounds like me after my 1st 2 relationships….boy did I pay for that attitude.

      • https://twitter.com/#!/IluminatiNYC Todd

        How so? What ended up happening?

        • http://www.shardesaidwhat.blogspot.com Sharde Marie

          I turned into a bitter ass female

          • WayUPThere

            Glad you’ve given that up. Btw bitter women and jack-hole guys, it’s a wonder that anyone ever gets in relationship out here in these streets.

            *looks at new avi* Btw, anyone ever tell you that you look like Sade?…Which isn’t too far off your gravatar. Connection btw the singer and your name, much?

            • http://www.shardesaidwhat.blogspot.com Sharde Marie

              Had to give it up. No flies were swarming to all that vinegar.
              And thanks on the Sade reference. I was indeed named after her. Its all in the forehead. lol

    • http://www.iamyourpeople.com I Am Your People

      TUK – if I recall correctly, you’re only like 20 or so years old, correct? And since I assume you were dating chicks your age, your heart was broken at when – age 17 and 19 by fellow teenagers? Just kick it while you’re young and don’t worry about serious relationships (just make sure SHE knows she’s not in a ‘relationship’), but when you get older and deal with mature women, hopefully you’ll have fewer problems

      • That Ugly Kid

        20? Psh…I’m WAY older than that! I’m 22! I can legally do all the stuff I been doing since I was 15 years old!

        • http://afrikanmami.blogspot.com African Mami

          22-you are my son!

          • That Ugly Kid

            Your son? I hope not. Because that would mean these dirty thoughts I’m having are incestuous. Which is illegal in every state with the except of Texas and Arkansas. Say it ain’t so Nubian Goddess…

            • http://afrikanmami.blogspot.com African Mami

              It is so.

              • That Ugly Kid

                Eh, I don’t care. We’re not blood related. You’re still on my list.

                • http://afrikanmami.blogspot.com African Mami

                  List of what?!?!

                  • That Ugly Kid

                    Nope. My lips are sealed…

                    • http://afrikanmami.blogspot.com African Mami

                      with super glue?!

        • https://twitter.com/#!/IluminatiNYC Todd

          LOL I like the way you put it.

    • http://twitter.com/kjnetic King Jordan

      i can’t give you too much advice..other than…

      never say ‘never’. the heart has a funny way to heal.

      • That Ugly Kid

        I’m 95% sure I’ll never completely trust a woman again. I’m kinda insecure now that to past experiences. I mean, I used to be the guy who would be totally okay with his girl going to a club or party with her friends and not stress about it at all.

        Nowadays, I believe if you’re in a relationship, there is zero reason to go to parties or clubs. I mean, the whole point is to go out and mingle/dance provacatively with the opposite sex (or if that’s not the intent, it eventually happens anyway). Why are you grinding all over some dude if you got a man at home? Ya know? So if my girl hangs out with her friends and they go to a party or some sh*t, I automatically assume she cheated. I write her off immediately.

        That’s the type of dude i am now. But I understand that bringing that pessimistic attitude into a relationship is bad news, so I’d rather not be in one. Sh*t sucks.

        • http://commentarybyvalentina.wordpress.com Val

          @TUK

          “Nowadays, I believe if you’re in a relationship, there is zero reason to go to parties or clubs. I mean, the whole point is to go out and mingle/dance provacatively with the opposite sex (or if that’s not the intent, it eventually happens anyway). Why are you grinding all over some dude if you got a man at home? Ya know? So if my girl hangs out with her friends and they go to a party or some sh*t, I automatically assume she cheated. I write her off immediately.”

          Do you really want to be this guy? The guy who thinks like this? Women run like hell from guys who think like this, especially the ones who are about something.

          Are you really going to let those two women/ girls that cheated on your relationship turn you into that jealous, non-trusting guy?

          • That Ugly Kid

            That’s the thing I don’t want to be that guy. But as of now that’s who I am. And I’d rather not turn a great female into a monster because of me. So I’m just avoiding relationships so as to not add to the cycle. Conniving women turn nice guys into azzholes, and azzholes like me turn innocent nice women into those conniving women. I’d rather not contribute to that neverending process. So, I just assume ever chick I run into is not relationship material and that’s how I keep myself from getting hurt.

            • Mo-VSS

              Okay, so you know it. Now deal with it, get it out of your system and don’t let it ruin your outlook long term. I’m sure it won’t…but then again, anything is possible.

            • http://afrikanmami.blogspot.com African Mami

              and azzholes like me turn innocent nice women into those conniving women.

              YES! AMEN! GLORY! HALLELUJAH! CHURCH! SAY WHAT! OW! TABERNACLE!

          • Mena

            “Do you really want to be this guy? The guy who thinks like this? Women run like hell from guys who think like this, especially the ones who are about something.” Or they go out on purpose to cause a jealous rampage from the guy b/c they feel like jealous = love. Sad and I agree with you Val. Women run but little girls stay. It’s the little girls that TUK needs to be cautious of.

        • TheRealestLeo

          Don’t be that guy…..Seriously.

          I’m speaking to you because I WAS that guy for quite some time. You sound almost exactly like I did when I was a few years younger.

        • http://twitter.com/kjnetic King Jordan

          i get the logic, i really do, but i guess… sometimes chicks need to get out and exhale a lil, and the club/lounge is a good place to do it…

          and if she comes home to you…then she comes home to you.

          but trust i get the logic, when you ready to move forward, maybe there will be a female that hates the club… *shrugs*

          i still roll dolo to clubs/lounges tho, someone gotta hold the wall up, lol.

          • Kema

            When I visit NY again I will help you with that wall. :-)

            • A Woman’s Eyes

              Why do women try to convince men who DON’T want to be in a relationship that they should be in one? He said he doesn’t trust women. That’s a good enough reason not to subject his distrust onto a relationship (& the woman in it).

              Not everybody needs a relationship. Not everyone wants a relationship. And that is ok.

              • https://twitter.com/#!/IluminatiNYC Todd

                THANK YOU! I’m starting to wonder if they’re some down-low tax breaks or discounts on tolls on bridges and turnpikes if you got a relationship. Seriously. It’s not worth all that drama.

                • TheRealestLeo

                  I can’t confirm that you get tax breaks or discounts at Foot Locker, but it does seem that if you want to be in a relationship, the best way of doing that, ironically, is to ALREADY BE in a relationship…..something to do with that whole people wanting what they can’t/aren’t supposed to have dynamic.

            • http://twitter.com/kjnetic King Jordan

              chuuuuuuuuuuuuch #preach

        • https://twitter.com/#!/IluminatiNYC Todd

          Here’s a newsflash homie, and I say this as someone who has been cheated on a LOT over the years. If a woman is motivated to cheat, she’ll find a way. If a woman isn’t, a dude can do anything up to and including waving the wang in front of her face, and she won’t be phased. I never was the jealous type anyway, but during my dating years, I was cheated on so many different ways that in hindsight, it boggles the mind. If a woman wants a side piece, she’ll find it anywhere like a college student club, a website, a Trey Anastasio concert, a park…and so on. (And yes, these are actual examples from my life I’ve pulled out.)

          The point is you need to focus on whether that woman is down for you. After all, anyone gassed up can cheat given the right circumstances. The thing is whether their heart is yours.

          • https://twitter.com/#!/IluminatiNYC Todd

            Moderation? The hell for? LOL

            • MJoy

              I’m loving when people leave the first word(s) out of sentences, especially when the sentence includes a bad word. “Phuck outta here” is pretty much my new favorite phrase.

          • http://asiyah3.wordpress.com Asiyah

            “If a woman is motivated to cheat, she’ll find a way. If a woman isn’t, a dude can do anything up to and including waving the wang in front of her face, and she won’t be phased. ”

            Todd’s right. I am very loyal. I’m not motivated to cheat at all. Most of the time it isn’t even about love, it’s just that I don’t want to go to hell. Yes, I’m serious, but that’s another topic altogether. Find a good woman TUK that won’t be motivated to cheat at all.

            • MJoy

              +1

              Women don’t cheat because some man was just soooo convincing. If she doesn’t cheat it just won’t happen… not always because of hell tho… (?)

              • http://asiyah3.wordpress.com Asiyah

                I’m not going to hell for cheating, that’s all I’m going to say. It’s my strongest motivator!

          • GirlSixx

            Waiting on that Best Seller!!

            Damn your life is a page turner.

            *Sheesh*

    • Brownbombshell

      Oh Booohoo get over yourself. Do you seriously think that because u got cheated on you cant trust another female? Maybe you were the only one in love. When you are able to love and be loved in return maybe you’ll sing another tune. But honestly till then get over it, and put ur trust in yourself.

    • Anastasia!!!

      @TUK.

      Have you ever considered that the.reason the girls.cheated was not them, but you?? Yes when you cheat, that’s a choice one has made and ultimately the blame is on thecheater. However I’ve learned that oftentimes in (many)*mature relationships*, women can cheat because they aren’t getting what they need from the man they’re with.

      While your position is yours to have, who can say that these women didn’t cheat because YOU were unavailable? Or because you weren’t bringing a certain amount to the table??

      I also agree with some other posters here – you are still so young! If you live to be 50, you still have 25+ more years of life to conquer. I think you’d be missing out on so much.

      But do you. :-)

      • Editgirl

        It’s always the cheaters fault. No question.

      • http://wildcougarconfessions.com Wild Cougar

        This is unnecessary. And wrong. It is never the fault of the person who was cheated on. It is unconscionable for you to try to play on the insecurities of a young man who has been hurt. Why don’t you do you and attend to the issues you probably have.

        Oh, and next time you mess with TUK I’ll come at you with my arsenal.

        • Kema

          Uh oh! Dont mess with the cub

        • MJoy

          heeeeeey, love this.

          • Justmetheguy

            Haaaaaa! VSB keeps it unpredictable. I love to hear a cougar growl and defend her cubs. That was hot. After I watched The Graduate the other day I’m pro cougars and male cubs lol

      • Mena

        “However I’ve learned that oftentimes in (many)*mature relationships*, women can cheat because they aren’t getting what they need from the man they’re with.” Then leave and don’t cheat. That’s a sorry a$$ excuse.

        • TheRealestLeo

          I agree. If any person feels like they aren’t getting what they want from their significant other…..if it’s THAT serious, end the relationship first, then go get whatever it was you thought you were missing with the next person/people.

          I had to explain this to a friend that cheated on me back in HS…..she wonders to this day why I don’t trust her despite her admitting that she was wrong and she still (somehow) has a crush on me. She should have thought about that then…..

          • Mena

            Yep. I believe in karma and it is a b!tch when it comes back on you b/c usually it is 10x worse. I won’t screw another person intentionally simply b/c that’s not me. I love the reputation that i have and to get one that says i am a liar and a cheat is something that would truly hurt me. It takes forever to build a solid rep but only ONE thing to break it.

            I also feel that it says a lot about you as a person when you freely cheat and couldn’t care less about it.

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

        yeah…lol…you’re treading on thin ice with that one. i dont think there’s anyway you can honestly blame him for his chicks cheating on him. it just aint…right.

        • A Woman’s Eyes

          + I agree given that we cannot control other human beings’ actions.

      • Anastasia!!!

        Ooh, ok – maybe this is why I’m not in the game.

        Now.re-reading and looking at your comments, I can see how my comment wasnt entirely fleshed out for understanding.

        I just learned watching the demise of my mentor’s marriage that its not always JUST the cheater. Sometimes the cheated on have to look in the mirror for opportuniy for improvement. My mentor fully admitted that she wouldn’t let her husband go,but takes partial responsibility for pushing her husband away. And she learned from that about her emoonal unavailablility.

        Of course Cheaters are WRONG, and should leave before stepping out. There also can be another side.

    • Royale W. Cheese

      I actually kind of agree with you. You should not offer unconditional trust across the board. There has to be strong, genuine evidence that you can trust her.

    • demondog06

      @TUK-

      Nah man you’re 22….just be 22 and get it in….don’t be in a rush to become some neutered domesticated dude

      i mean be open just in case that girl with that snapper comes along, just keep in mind that no man holds dominion over a woman’s cooch so enjoy each other for whatever time you have together, then keep it movin. worrying about will/ is she cheatin, will only drive you nuts.

    • Angela

      I used to say the same thing. My first love cheated on me with escorts and my second love cheated and was one of the most disrespectful men I’ve ever dated. I had to take a few steps back, look in the mirror and figure out why I was attracting and attractED to such men. The signs are ALWAYS there in the beginning, we just chose to ignore them the majority of the time. Don’t give up though, there are great women out there. Even after all that I’ve been through I’m willing to love and trust again. I don’t think all men are the same and I don’t think should believe all women are the same.

      Side note: I’m new here, how do I add a picture? Thanks in advance! :)

      • WayUPThere

        Gravatar.com. It’ll tell you everything you need to know and guide you to the land of those with photos.

        • http://amonimusic.com Angela

          Awesome! Thank you so much!

  • legitimate_soul

    Yup. In some cases I was able to let go immediately and in others we both held on too long. Oddly enough, I (and my exes) held on longer when I (we were) was older and I attribute that to being in a more serious, intense, and honestly adult relationship. The older I got, there was more intimacy, more connection, more complexity of experience and emotion…so yeah, it was more difficult to let go. Lot’s of growth and lessons even when you loved and lost or held on too long. It may suck while in the moment, but looking back it’s a blessing.

    • http://www.twitter.com/SmartFoxGirl SmartFoxGirl

      I agree with this. No shade to younger folk but sh*t just doesn’t get real until you reach a certain age. Life choices actually get tougher.

      • legitimate_soul

        Hey, Prezzy (SFG)!

        Yes, indeedy! Life experience makes you consider a lot of different things.

    • http://asiyah3.wordpress.com Asiyah

      “Oddly enough, I (and my exes) held on longer when I (we were) was older and I attribute that to being in a more serious, intense, and honestly adult relationship. The older I got, there was more intimacy, more connection, more complexity of experience and emotion…so yeah, it was more difficult to let go.”

      Maybe that’s why it’s been harder for me to let go of my friend. I’m 27. When I was 22 it was so much easier to just say “f*ck it” and move on.

      • legitimate_soul

        Asiyah,

        You touched upon something that made me want to share some things I realized that helped me make that necessary move and maybe it might help someone else reading this:

        1. If you are unhappy.
        2. If your situation is more stressful than loving, supportive, warm or any other positive word that should be used to describe your relationship.
        3. When the good times are few and far between, but you lie to yourself and act like the good times are worth all the bad times. The bad times outweigh the good.
        4. When the same issues that may bother you keep popping up and no one is working on changing or feel they should change.
        5. If you are in a relationship and you still feel lonely as heyall.
        6. If the only thing keeping you together is the past and familiarity, not legitimate desire to make it work and do the things to make it better.
        7. If you are staying together out of fear of starting over again or thinking you may not find another person who “gets you” or “has ‘this’ in common”. Recognize if you are unhappy, you are in a holding pattern and it is possible that this other person you no longer have feelings for is blocking your blessings with the person you need to be with. Sometimes people are in your life for a season or their role in your life may change. Change may not be easy, but it can result in such a better quality of life.

        • http://asiyah3.wordpress.com Asiyah

          ALLADIS. or maybe, just maybe, I’m stuck in such a negative mood that all I see are the bad times.

  • Justmetheguy

    Great topic P. Way to bounce back and sh*t lol

    I understand this concept and tend to agree. However it’s easier said than done. Like what about not knowing the difference between the climax and the intermission (half time if you will)?

    Can relationships really take breaks or does that always amount to a euphemism for we’re done but wanna leave the door open just in case?

    • Editgirl

      I don’t believe in breaks. Breaks are the word before up. Breakups.

      • http://pinchmycheekie.wordpress.com Cheekie

        Bingo. It’s just delaying the inevitable in most — if not all — cases.

    • b sweet

      Can relationships really take breaks or does that always amount to a euphemism for we’re done but wanna leave the door open just in case?

      Definitely the latter. Options make the heart grow fonder

      • Lane85

        Ha! A friend of mine use to say “Absence makes the heart grow fonder but too much absence makes the heart wander.” I’m sold on this #truth lol

    • Meisarebel

      Yea. The whole “taking a break” thing can get ugly really fast. I’m with you on this one, it’s a tough one to crack.

      But perhaps it is the “just in case” scenario. Or rather just makes each person involved feel some sorta security.

    • Mo-VSS

      Breaks can happen. Folks have these hard and fast rules like life doesn’t get in the way. Some folks need time to mature and find their way back to each other. Other times, a break is the cop-out to the slow fade. Either way, you’re right. Sometimes it can be the intermission and not the end.

    • TheRealestLeo

      I don’t know about breaks…..When two people decide they need a break from each other, they might go about their separate ways and realize they were better off without each other. Then they never get back together…..so it wasn’t a break in the first place—it was a breakup.

    • http://afrikanmami.blogspot.com African Mami

      @ jmtg,

      As it applies to me. No. We are either together or we are not. I do not thrive in confusion! A break to me, signifies an open relationship. Which then means, I can have you and a dread head,at a go. See that right there, will mess with my psyche. Shiiiiiiiiid.

      You can always get me back, if the break up was amicable.

    • https://twitter.com/#!/mackaroto Jay

      @JMTG…Almost didn’t recognize you with the new gravatar pic. This is what I’m going through right now. I’m in the middle of a breakup right now. We have a 4 year old, so that kinda means that there will ALWAYS be a chance that we could reunite. The “Climax” song is so fitting because we don’t hate each other. There honestly is still a lot of love left between us but I think we both agree that it is DEFINITELY over right now. I’ve seen my son every day of his life so far and I’m about to enter a period where that will not be possible, and that eats me up more than ANYTHING else about the situation.

      I’ve been dealing with the breakup as well as most men do. She initiated it but it was a long time coming for both of us and honestly I was the one who was always unhappy. It got more complicated today because she told me that she was hoping for a possible reconciliation in the not too distant future. I’m not sure how I feel about this though. On one hand I think we make a great family, I love her as a person, I’m attracted to her, and I want my son to grow up with both of his parents together. But she has to make GREAT strides as a person and as an adult before we could ever be together again and I don’t know if that will ever happen. I don’t want to reconcile and then 3 months later be like “What the f*ck was I thinking!? I should have gotten out when I had the chance!!”

      I think that my resolution on this will be to take it for what it is, a breakup. If we reconcile it will be HER that wins me over and makes me fall in love with her. Aside from that I just want us to be awesome partners as far as raising our son goes and maybe MAYBE friends.

      • Mo-VSS

        Have you considered doing couple’s counseling with her? Like separate for some space, but see each other in counseling, do what you gotta do for your kid and see if that helps? How do you expect her to make strides….via self assessment? I’m not trying to be funny either, I’m dead serious. How many people leave a relationship and say “let me assess all the dumb sh*t I did and fix it?” If it was that easy, we’d all do it and discussions like this wouldn’t exist. Most people can’t see who they are until a mirror is held up against their face. Unless someone is extremely enlightened and HONEST about themselves (good and bad) it takes an outside agent to help…at least initially.

        And what strides do YOU need to make as well?

      • MJoy

        @Jay aka Future brother-in-law!

        I just (well, not too recently) came out of the EXACT situation you are in now. The hardest part for me was also knowing I wouldn’t see my son everyday. When my ex and I split my son was only about 10 months. I’d never spent one day away from him and now I’d only see him half the time. I almost stayed in the relationship to avoid this one fact. But, I did leave. It was for the best. And let me tell ya… you miss the kid but those nights without him are niiiiiiice! My ex and I do a very good job co-parenting so that makes it easier. You wont see him all the time but you know he’s okay and he’ll be back. Being good parents separately makes the breakup a little easier to accept.

        And before you know it, you’re completely over the person and are finding the true love of your life on blogs and sh*t so cheer up Charlie. I’ve been there, it gets better.

        • http://afrikanmami.blogspot.com African Mami

          you’re completely over the person and are finding the TRUE LOVE of your life on BLOGS!

          THISSSSSSSS^^^^^^^^^! PREACH SISTA PREACH!

      • Namia

        Do not know your whole situation but..if you see a possible reconciliation and she is willing to change those bits of her that your not comfortable with you can help her..get to that person..may be then there will be a chance for you guys………..sorry am a hopeless romantic love is beautiful :-)

    • http://twitter.com/itztrizz617 Tristan

      I dont believe in breaks, i’m more of a pebble than a boomerang toss me and you’ll probably never find me again. Or if we do start talking again you will be a FWB at best.

    • Sweet GA Brown

      Hell no a relationship can never take a break. I wish a ninja would say some mess like that to me. Soon as the words would leave his lips, I would have translated that as OVER, DONE, SINGLE.

    • A Woman’s Eyes

      ” Can relationships really take breaks or does that always amount to a euphemism for we’re done but wanna leave the door open just in case?”

      The translation of a relationship taking breaks is that one or both people want to have sex with someone else. They may even want to share meals or cuddle with someone else.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      I tried to do a break before. i ended up prolonging the inevitable. i dont believe in breaks anymore.

      and thanks. lol. damn shame that i had to bounce back.

    • esa

      i neva believed in breaks until now. i didn’t even know such a thing was possible. i thought the end was the end until i discovered the end was a new beginning. which is the most beautiful kind of confusion because it forced me to acknowledge i do not know anything, and not knowing is a kind of peace that frees me from everything, most importantly, myself ~*~

    • http://pinchmycheekie.wordpress.com Cheekie

      @Justmetheguy,

      Hey, boy, hey. I’m just gonna innocently say that your avi is nice. *flounces away*

    • http://www.shay-d-lady.com shay-d-lady

      @justme
      it depends on you guys. there is no difinitive line it depends on whats most beneficial for you and her.
      and if you guys feel its worth working through it. if there can be something beneficial on the other side.
      sadly a lot of times the climax occurs because 1 of you feels it is and the other doesnt…

      • Justmetheguy

        @ Shay d Lady- Yeah that’s what she said…no fa real this time lol. I think you’re absolutely right tho. It all depends on the individual’s and the situation. So true

        @ Cheekie- Aww, thanks hon. Good to receive a compliment from another Leo. We don’t dish them out just because. I would compliment ur adorable cheeks but my lady might get mad tho (peeks around)

    • MJoy

      GotDamn!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MY MAN IS FINE!

      I’m sorry… what’s the topic???

      • http://afrikanmami.blogspot.com African Mami

        hey fembooooooooooooooo!!!

        Girl you berra git yo men before them trifling dot dot dots, try and snatch him!!

        New News:
        I’m mentally in love with another, find my posting in capital letters. You don’t really like him either.loool!!!!

        • MJoy

          I have so much reading to get through here but my job is slowing me down but I scrolled through and saw who you’re talking about.

          I DO NOT APPROVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

          Must every sister of mine be with men I don’t approve of? smgdh!!!!! Hopefully he said something good today. I’ll read and see. But if not, I WILL stage an intervention to end this mess now and the only person I’ll bring to read a letter will be JAY! Think of JAY for the love of everything that is e-holy!!!!!

  • Eric McD

    In one now. I’m actively trying to replace her with an updated model.

    • Justmetheguy

      @ Eric McD- Tell us how you really feel tho. lol I respect your candor though. You wouldn’t be the first person (male or female) to think that though

    • b sweet

      Why haven’t you let go yet, with or without a replacement?

      • http://www.iamyourpeople.com I Am Your People

        Co-sign with b sweet! Quit ‘close bus-ing’ her (shoutout to “Your Degrees”) and dump her if she’s not what you want.

        • Eric McD

          Seriously? You don’t junk your old car without buying a new one first. What do you want to do, ride the bus while you figure it out? No, you pick out a new model then get rid of the old one. Plus I am doing myself a ton of favors. I already have a replacement in waiting. Most men don’t have the luxury of going from being single to in a relationship. A man has to line these things up or he could end up single and sexless for months on end. Not me buddy. I’m getting my ducks in a row. When it ends with the current chick it’s not going to matter that I ended it in April or June, it’s just going to be over. I, however; will step into the next relationship without missing a beat.

          • http://afrikanmami.blogspot.com African Mami

            Oh mi gosh! I feel like you gon slap me, if I ask…BUT i really need to, it’s driving me nuts.

            Does she know you have a new Bentley?! Like, wow. To be honest, I would be devastated to see you with somebody else right after we broke up, regardless of why we broke up.

            • OneMan

              Of course she doesn’t know. But just because I leave her doesn’t mean I would flaunt another chick all in her face. Men ( meaning me) don’t need a mourning time like women. We don’t need time to find ourselves or be alone. What we need is a new more interesting person to be with. Someone who better gives us what we want from a relationship. We don’t want or need the downtime that women covet, No offence, we’re just different.

              • MJoy

                This couldn’t be further from the truth

                • Eric McD

                  Right…. Women know exactly what a man needs. Which just happens to be whatever a woman needs. I forgot. ***Sarcasm intended***

          • Editgirl

            Yikes. You are my idea of nightmare. No offense.

          • Editgirl

            Can you expand on what you mean by most men don’t have the luxury of being single and going into a relationship?

            • Eric McD

              I mean that going from being alone to having a relationship is not as easy as snapping your fingers and *poof* a willing woman appears. It’s so much harder for a man to meet a woman and start a new relationship than it is for a woman to do the same. Women are not easy to meet, I don’t care what the ratio is. And meeting one that you like and actually have something in common with who actually likes you back is even harder. A man can stay single for months or years and not by choice either. That’s not the kind of situation a man wants to sign up for. When my current and I breakup it won’t be because I found someone new it will be because we are no longer compatible. Me finding someone new isn’t about her per se.

              • Editgirl

                Yes, but what woman worth her salt is going to enter a relationship knowing that you just exited a relationship, say, one month ago? Well, unless she’s not interested in anything serious. In my experience as a woman, that has always been a greenlight for me and my friends.

                And, you’re right, it is easier for women to enter into a “situation” post-breakup. I mean, following my breakup there’s suddenly men “reaching out” that I haven’t talked to in years. For me, myself and I that’s entertaining BS to me. We can chat and text but I’m surely not entering a relationship months after exiting one because I can’t possibly state I addressed the problems in my previous relationship.

                I can say based on my previous relationships I can now more clearly define what I don’t want. But any dude that I’m entertaining –and I don’t mean chexing– is not likely to be the man I’m in a one year to forever relationship with. He will be that dude that helped keep me busy and I’m uber upfront about not looking for another relationship. If I happen to fall head over heals, then great. But, I can’t plan that part out. My logic tells me TO avoid relationships for the now because there’s nothing worse than residual ex mess.

                • Mo-VSS

                  +1 If the chick knows he’s a cheater and is cool with that, then it looks like he’s losing for real. And if she doesn’t know that he’s a liar and a cheat, when his current girl figures out that Mr. “don’t mss a beat” just side stepped into the new relationship with the chick waiting in the wings, drama WILL ensue. He will just have to figure that out on his own…via experience.

                  • Editgirl

                    Exactly, Mo-VSS, we’re on the same page. Glad to see you around. I can’t imagine anyone accepting and thinking this won’t be their fate in a year.

                    “Girl, he was flirting hard with me while he was in a relationship and a month later we were pretty much going strong…”

                    That’s a good love story a woman wants to tell…NOT. All my friends that have ever been the other woman make it clear, I played that role before but I would absolutely never be in relationship with that dude because he’s a cheater. While their logic was a little sketchy, I kind of get it.

                    • whostolethesoul1

                      +1, you already know what he’s about-if he’s that into you and your starring role is a side-piece or an “almost, kinda-sorta, but just in case”, then there are no keepers here…move on. And there are plenty of women who will gladly accept this ass-crackery behavior, as too many people it can’t happen to them

                      #ijs

                  • Eric McD

                    Why would I tell the new one that I’m just getting out of a relationship? That’s like telling the old one I’m about to leave her. It’s not worth saying. You two must be gullible or something if you think men sit around telling you everything you want to know all the time. Men tell you what you want to hear (sometimes) and only things we want you to know. There’s plenty of stuff men don’t tell you because 1. It won’t help the situation 2. It’s really non of your business. Maybe I’m a little different than some the guys you all know ( I really doubt it- I’m just saying what they think and don’t say) If my new chick found out about the previous relationship and caught an attitude about it, I’d just date someone else and let her go out and meet somebody else too i.e. breakup with her.

                    • Editgirl

                      In the day of the internet, who needs you to tell her? Really? Are you serious? And, if she asks you and you lie, then you’re not worth you’re salt either.

                      And, that’s great that you’ll go out and get a new boo. Of course, you won’t be able to line one up in advance again so there’s that bonus for women.

                    • Mo-VSS

                      You must be gullible if you think there aren’t men out there who just DGAF and will def tell a girl about his rltshp. And you must be naive in thinking said girl doesn’t stay, hoping to be “wifed.” And you must further be uniformed if you think women don’t sense something is up when a man “suddenly”as a new girl 2.5 sec after the break up. Aaaaannnnd…you must not watch enough true crime if you think folks don’t snap over sh*t like that.

                      Believe that.

                    • Innovative21

                      Well there it is, I thought from your first couple posts you were just young. But this post right here… the disregard, the lack of consideration that you should grow (alone) grime one relationship to the next…

                      I honestly believe you will attract the same level of immaturity that you’re presenting here, BUT, the silver lining is that it WILL grow both you and them… to what we want to believe we hold on so tightly, no matter how backwards it actually is. I don’t think your “climax” is with another female, I think one day you’ll see that your climax has peaked with your current approach to relationships. JMO. I COULD be wrong, but I also pray I never meet someone with the mentality you got right there..Trainwreck ahead!

                    • A Woman’s Eyes

                      ” Men tell you what you want to hear (sometimes) and only things we want you to know. ”

                      Truth.com

                  • Justmetheguy

                    Wait, hold up. This is a good discussion and all, but can we just stop and laugh at “Mr. don’t miss a beat”? lmao! That sh*t almost made me fall out my chair laughing hahahaha, so true though

                    • Eric McD

                      Some of you ladies are used to men being afraid of the “Insane/Crazy Chick” I’m not that guy. You try to use the “Crazy Chick” stories to scare a man into doing things the way that you as a woman want it done. I’m not moved by that stuff. I don’t beat women but run up on me with that fake craziness and I will destroy you. No doubt. Secondly, I really don’t think any female is “Crazy” enough to want to go “Crazy for Crazy” with me. She will lose. Some women are comfortable threatening men. Like they feel that they could get away with being physically confrontational with men. They don’t come at me with that. Women are better off coming at me as being “Emotionally Crazy” as opposed to being “Physically Crazy” like she would try to cut, shoot, or hit me. Like I wish a chick would call herself busting the windows out of my car or some other goofy nonsense. I would have her in jail and with a fresh restraining order on her. I’m not intimidated about making a woman uncomfortable. If she is, she’s gonna need to learn how to deal with it but coming at me….That’s a no-go.

          • nillalatte

            Back in the day, I used to do the same shyt. Never without a man in waiting… so to speak. LOL

            • Eric McD

              Most women (who aren’t ready to take a “find myself” break) will keep a nice, new replacement on deck. I fully understand this. I’ve seen it happen far too many times.

          • That Ugly Kid

            Honestly, I do the same thing. If a breakup between me and my girl is inevitable, I hold on to our relationship just long enough to solidify my replacement. Then once I’m sure I’ve got the rebound, it’s dueces to the old chick.

            • http://afrikanmami.blogspot.com African Mami

              oh damn!is that what’s hot in the streets?!

            • Editgirl

              Are they girlfriends or women you’re having chex with? You mentioned you ended two relationships because of cheating so I’m lost. If it’s just a fling, then you don’t owe anyone much of anything in terms of commitment. The only req. in adult relationships is honesty between the two people involved.

              • That Ugly Kid

                They’re girlfriends. They’d cheat on me and instead of breaking up with them right away, I’d endure the relationship for a couple more weeks and find a new girl in which we share a mutual attraction. Once that happens, I end the relationship and see how things go with the new woman I found.

                • Editgirl

                  I don’t think you owe them fidelity if they cheated so your story is a little different.

            • http://www.iamyourpeople.com I Am Your People

              That Ugly Kid
              on 05/24/2012 at 1:58 am said:
              Honestly, I do the same thing. If a breakup between me and my girl is inevitable, I hold on to our relationship just long enough to solidify my replacement. Then once I’m sure I’ve got the rebound, it’s dueces to the old chick

              I’ll assume the aforementioned chicks who broke your heart did the same thing. *sips tea*

              • Mo-VSS

                Touche’

              • Justmetheguy

                @ IAYP-Lmao! A smart one you are. I was thinkin the same thing

              • That Ugly Kid

                You could assume that, until I tell you the long story about how everything went down, which I don’t feel like doing because I’d hit some sort of character limit way before I finish. But I don’t cheat. These chicks slept with random guys who didn’t blossom into a relationship. I don’t do that. If a relationship is about to end and I meet a chick, nothing happens between me and her until the relationship is over. Because if I start doing stuff with the new chick and my relationship is somehow salvaged, now I’ll be stuck in the dreaded love triangle. And despite how those situations turn out in pr0n movies, in real life, they aren’t very pleasant.

                • MJoy

                  Man, I didn’t know some men hated their own company so much.

          • http://www.iamyourpeople.com I Am Your People

            She’s a woman. Not a car. Or maybe you’re reinforcing the why women hate men stereotype – you just see us as objects

            • Editgirl

              You hit the nail on the HEAD.

            • http://afrikanmami.blogspot.com African Mami

              DING DONG BELL *HIDES*

            • Eric McD

              It’s an analogy not literal.

            • nillalatte

              I have to back up Eric on this one doe. You’s a fool if you don’t keep a few hanging around when you’re single (and young). And, no, it wasn’t because of being an object. It is spending time with someone you like and then you grow out of/ move beyond that relationship. All relationships are not meant to last. Not even marriages (i.e. relationships) last.

              Shyt, if I didn’t have the responsibilities I have now, hell ya, I’d be playing all sorts of fields. Men/women come and go. When you find the right one, you’ll stay in it. If not, on to the next one.

              • http://afrikanmami.blogspot.com African Mami

                Queen,

                I’m that foo then. I do not have them lined up. When I get into the relationship, I’m positive that it is going to work out, through His grace and mercies,hence no need for back up. And in any case, why the heck am I having back ups when in a relationship?! I might as well not be in one. If the relationship doesn’t work out, it is what it is, I cut my losses and move on with life, not with some back up! Iunno, Queen! I ain’t witcha on dat one!! Relationships for me are like marriage, I invest 100! Not saying that you don’t or you do. I don’t know. Although I do have to point out that I’ve cut back on the investment percentage points. The market has been extremely volatile.

                • nillalatte

                  I get that Mami and I’m talking about when being single AND young. I get that young is subjective/relative. I don’t have them lined up anymore because, well, I just haven’t invested the energy in building any kind of relationship with anyone.

                  This dude that I spoke of on here… we been knowing each other for about 3 years now and we’ve moved in and out of being close, not so close and close again. We have separate lives as we’re both single parents and overly protective of our kids.

                  I was speaking more to the events when I was in my early 20′s before I married. BTW, I was married for 15 years before I finally called it quits. That was probably 7 years too long.

                  • Editgirl

                    But he’s not single.

                    • nillalatte

                      Actually, he is. He’s already emotionally detached.

              • http://www.iamyourpeople.com I Am Your People

                I disagree nilla. If it’s clear we’re just dating, fine. But don’t have me thinking I’m in a relationship when you aren’t

                • nillalatte

                  There again are tell-tail signs. You just have to be observant enough to pick them up. Guys do emit signs that they are no longer committed to a relationship. Some are subtle and some not so subtle. You have to be able to view them objectively. That’s when I knew there was going to be a shift change.

                  • http://afrikanmami.blogspot.com African Mami

                    But Queen, why put me through the BS! Why not just be straight forward. If you are no longer interested, say so. I can handle it. Well, probably not initially, but eventually. All this non-verbal cueage people do, all in the hopes the other picks up is just bull fecal matters. God gave you a mouthpiece with 99+1 uses, use that one to tell me, African Mami, it was good while it lasted, but it’s over.

                    • Editgirl

                      No woman or man should be held to subtle cues. Subtle cues don’t tell you when you’re IN a relationship, so they definitely shouldn’t tell you when you’re out of a relationship. All adults have the responsibility of communicating when they’re in or out of relationship.

                      That BS “you should know.” Uh oh. And, obviously ole girl doesn’t know she’s being used for consistent sex to pass the time for something “new.”

                    • nillalatte

                      That’s just it. They (man or woman) is not hoping you pick up on the signs that they have become emotionally detached. They are buying time. Folks are selfish. You have to watch out for you. Mami, you know the playas games. C’mon. They ain’t that hard to spot. They ain’t gonna tell you they done. Hell, back in the day, I bounced before ole boy knew what hit him. Now, in my old age, I ain’t about that anymore.

                    • nillalatte

                      @ editgirl… I beg to differ. A woman DOES know when she is nothing more than a sex toy. Y’all better get some street knowledge. Shyt.

                    • Mo-VSS

                      Maybe I know a few too many crazy folks, but subtleties will get you physically hurt messing with the wrong one. I’ve seen folks flip all the way out on someone over the fact that they got played. Some of them might have flipped out anyway in the event their significant other was honest, but some of them generally had that “snapped” moment.

                      We’re all adults. Sure, people give subtle hints about stuff but overall, folks need to be honest. Esp when someone directly confronts a person and they lie. Nothing is more annoying that asking someone something head on and they deny, lie or try to side step the question at hand.

                    • http://afrikanmami.blogspot.com African Mami

                      @ Queen

                      Streets smart is definitely a plus BUT you can be the hippest to the game, and still get played! The matters of the heart, can get even the most HARDCORE fugged alll the way up.That’s why hustlers are always like money before women, because they know involvement sometimes clouds judgement. The heart game is like a game of chess. One has to always make moves that are strategic enough not get them checked into eternal oblivion.

                    • nillalatte

                      @Mo… I feel ya, but if you expecting communication from a dude, possibly an immature dude, well, it ain’t gonna happen, usually. Emotional detachment is the key. All women need to know how to observe they man for those signs.

                    • nillalatte

                      @ Mami… if you ‘feel’ you are getting ‘played’ then homeboy is already emotionally detached.

              • A Woman’s Eyes

                I agree with you Nilla.

                And to be fair he did say he will break up with them, and does.

                I think for some people fidelity ends when they’re done with the relationship emotionally and ready to end it.

                However, doing this during a marriage can lead to WW3, WW4 and WW5 in the divorce.

                Especially if children are involved. And in some cases, if outside children are conceived during the marriage. Especially if there are court battles over property and assets being split up. And battles over visitation if your children will be at the new woman or new man’s house with their parent.

                Some people drag children into it, and resentment and wanting revenge during divorces. The new woman/new man becomes an excuse for adults to not let go of the ex when they should.

                • nillalatte

                  @AWE, thanks. Yes, it happens in marriage too. Honestly, I became emotionally detached from my ex long before I left him. He was the one that stayed on the teeter totter. I warned him that once I was done, I was done.

                  Oh, we went through the visitation drama too and I told one of his many new sharmutas (the one that caused the most problems) that if anything ever happened to my kids in her care she would answer to me. Again, momma bear don’t play.

                  You know the funny part, a lot of the women he dated after we were divorced would find a way to reach out to me through the internet, usually through my oldest daughters online activity and ask her to ask me to help them get him out of their lives! I was like WTF? GROWN ARSE women asking me to help them out a relationship with my ex?

                  Gurl, I have lived in the twilight zone fa real.

                  • A Woman’s Eyes

                    He sounds to be diabolical. They probably needed a Domestic Violence hotline number because if that’s not some sneaking around and undercover stuff just to get out the relationship…. He sure knows how to pick them after his experience with you.

            • Eric McD

              Women use analogies for men. What’s a BMW? A fancy car, a black male working or both? Plus a woman can be used like a car can be used. Women use men and men use women. A man might use a woman for sex. A woman might use a man for dinners and entertainment. I hope you aren’t trying to say a person can’t be used. I’m not debating whether they should or shouldn’t (they should if need be) but people are more than spirits (woman talk) they are indeed tangible. Just like they guy you used to help you through chem in undergrad or the girl I used to type all of my term papers.

          • https://twitter.com/#!/IluminatiNYC Todd

            That ain’t me homey. I’ll do the E train, 7 train plus the bus is that’s what it takes for me to get rid of some chickenhead. I know mass transit ain’t that hot outside of New York, but nah homey. If I’m sick of you, I’ll do anything short of sleeping in the street to be rid of you.

          • Mena

            If any woman tries to get at you knowing good and well you have someone else and are just looking to upgrade, i would suggest you watching your back with this new chick.

          • A Woman’s Eyes

            You’re dumping your fiancee for someone else?

            My thoughts on relationships still are the same. To thine own self be true.

            • A Woman’s Eyes

              Everything Nilla said is very accurate.

              Everything.

              And the responses show how women hold onto men who don’t want to be held onto anymore. And women know. He becomes distant is the first clue.

              Signs to look out for:
              * His actions don’t match what he tells you.
              * He leaves the room to talk on his cellphone when he didn’t do that in the past.
              * He tolerates you and expresses no differing opinion on what he wants to do– it is whatever you want, dear.
              * He suddenly cares a lot about his appearance but doesn’t pay more attention to you.
              * His family and friends are acting weird around you — they seem to know along something with him, that you don’t know.

              • Editgirl

                My responses to Nilla have nothing to do with women holding on to men. As a matter of fact, it has been about right from wrong. And the right thing to do when your relationship is over ANNNND you start lining up a new woman is to break up with her.

                There’s no ifs ands or my cousin Rudolph did it so it’s ok. Or, I did before and likely hurt someone and I’m single now anyways but it’s still ok about it.

                No.

                • Mo-VSS

                  +2

                • A Woman’s Eyes

                  What I find interesting is he never indicated he was in a relationship with the girl.

                  My assumption was that he talks to her, and keeps in touch with her without telling her about his exiting his current relationship.

                  Right and wrong, again your values of what is right/wrong is different from someone else’s. That is why you should be very observant and wise so you do not end up with a man whose definition of right or wrong is different from yours.

                  • whostolethesoul1

                    *going to refill my popcorn*
                    While I agree with both sides on various points, this going from relationship to relationship makes me wonder if anyone is aware that this screams of insecurity: psychologically, financially (for some), emotionally.

          • Mandela

            “most men don’t have the luxury of going from being single to in a relationship”….This got to be the most idiotic comment I have ever read on this blog.

          • http://asiyah3.wordpress.com Asiyah

            “What do you want to do, ride the bus while you figure it out?”

            as a New Yorker, I resent this. without public transportation, my city would be boring! don’t knock down buses.

          • Royale W. Cheese

            “I already have a replacement in waiting.”

            Wow, she sounds like a real winner.

    • Editgirl

      You’re not doing yourself any good by waiting to leave a relationship until you have an updated model. That new relationship will fail, too, because you’re not entering a relationship open or as a whole man. Even relationship nowhere needs a mourning period.

      • Eric McD

        Well Excuuuuuuuuse me! I thought I was dealing with adults. Adults who may have dealt with 2 or more lovers at a time. Adults who may have had a couple of relationships jumping off at any given time. I didn’t know I was talking to the choir of the All Saints Monogamy Church. If any of you can say you haven’t dealt with more than one man/woman at a time, you probably shouldn’t even be commenting on this subject because you don’t have enough life experience. Good or Bad. Respectfully…

        • Editgirl

          Of course I have dated more than one person. I have never physically or emotionally cheated while in a relationship. Why? What’s the purpose? I don’t have a ring? I have no reason to lie to anyone during a relationship. I can’t be kept in said relationship by legal documents. Don’t try to shame me for doing what’s right.

          • A Woman’s Eyes

            Editgirl,

            The problem with your arguments is you’re imposing your standards on people who do not follow or care about those same rules. Monogamy isn’t valued by everyone. Everyone does not moralize monogamy.

            • Editgirl

              No, it’s about the rules between two people. Obviously the other person would be upset about it and he knows this. Based on what he wrote, they’re not in an open relationship. So violating a verbal agreement between two people in that, I’d assume, once loved each other is ridiculous.

              You are WRONG when you do anything that you know would hurt your partner or violating the terms of your relationship.

              Yes, his morals can be sketchy and that’s his choice. But, I’ll be danged if you’re going to have me agreeing to something for the sake of argument to look good on this board.

              The reason he’s not telling his girlfriend that he’s lining up another woman is because it would hurt her. That’s intentionally inflecting pain and heartbreak on someone. That is neither woman like or man like. An adult can be honest.

              • Mo-VSS

                Can I just say that we are >here< with all of that. It's not about societal standards, it's about personal ones. And if you have none, don't expect to attract and KEEP a person with some.

        • Mo-VSS

          I’ve done is which is why I know how it ends. And especially for dudes dealing with emotional women…women who may still want to be with you but you throw the deuces and then begin again with a new chick. Yeah, you asking to get cut….and make no mistake, there are women out there who will cut a brother. Or at the very least, loosen the lug nuts of the car tires. *ask about it….(disclaimer, I did NOT do that, but I know a dude who had that happen to him…damn near died).

          • http://www.iamyourpeople.com I Am Your People

            This. Playing with FEELINGS is the problem, and I don’t think men know what they’re dealing with. Forgive this incredible crass example – but when I talk relationship stuff with guy friends (not potential boos, just ninjas at the picnic) my example is Steve McNair. I’m sure when he went over to his 20 y/o mistress’ place, he was thinking, ‘we had fun, she’s young, she’s beautiful, I bought her a car, an apartment and gave her money, she’ll cry a bit but she”l be okay.’ but she was thinking, ‘my life is over, the man I love is leaving me, i have nothing to live for, I’m just going to end it all.’

            Men don’t appreciate how women, especially young ones, can be emotionally fragile. A 20 y/o IAYP nearly bust the windows out a car had roommate and roommate’s boyfriend not seen and stopped her.

            • nillalatte

              See, that right there, is emotional immaturity. No man is worth going to jail over. NO MAN!!!

              Some young folks don’t know how to release that pain. My release when I had attachments was worked off in the gym, hanging in the clubs, hanging with my friends, etc.

              It’s all in knowing that for whatever reason you had that time together there is a reason that it’s over. It wasn’t a good fit. Acknowledge it and move on.

              • Mo-VSS

                And therein lies the problem. Some people don’t know how to cope with loss, even the loss of a relationship, and you may have no idea if you’re dealing with a person of that caliber until you make the mistake of bringing it out. I know we don’t live in a perfect world but why not do your part to make sure no undue mess comes your way? I agree no man (or woman) is worth going to jail over, but I know some and know of some women (and men who were dating women) who begged to differ in that moment of blind, crazy stupidness.

                *not addressing you specifically, just saying “you” in general.

                • nillalatte

                  @ Mo, I get it. I’ve seen it happen too. I just prefer for myself to create that distance needed for them to get over those feelings. Release. I’ve dealt with stalkers and it’s freaking creepy! No matter how much I talked to them it just didn’t sink in. You can’t deal with emotional immaturity in some people.

                  • A Woman’s Eyes

                    ” You can’t deal with emotional immaturity in some people.”

                    There it is. Nor are you responsible for their emotional immaturity. That’s on them (and the police).

                    • Editgirl

                      Now that statement is true. You can’t deal with someone’s emotional immature of fix them.

                      But, I’m not calling sh*t a steak.

                • A Woman’s Eyes

                  ” And therein lies the problem. Some people don’t know how to cope with loss, even the loss of a relationship,”

                  That is a sign of instability. Because those same people will flip out even if he/she ended the relationship the “right way”.

                  If you cannot cope with loss, do not get into a relationship.

                  If you feel you will lose more than you are willing to lose, do not get into a relationship.

                  If you feel the risk is too high, do not get into a relationship.

                  If you feel you will never completely trust again, do not get into a relationship.

                  • https://twitter.com/#!/IluminatiNYC Todd

                    But, but, but…what will the woman’s friends and family think when she’s single? Especially when she was good at sports when she was young. She gotta be a lesbian. Either that or crazy, right? Because No Good Woman Is Alone. ™ Am I right? Anyone who isn’t a crazy cat lady or a lesbian has to have man, right? ;-)

                    • A Woman’s Eyes

                      I feel sorry for women who don’t have friends, FWBs, buddies, dates while not being in a relationship — and not by choice. It means she doesn’t have any real connections with men (or women) at all.

                      You can be outside of a relationship but socialize, have sex, etc.

                • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

                  so the lesson here is dont mess with a chicks feeligns b/c there is a better than 50 percent chance that she might try to kill you? or at least injure you physically?

                  got it. *writing that joint down in my pad*

                  and for the record, i think you all are arguing theory over practice.

                  or how things SHOULD be versus how most things actually ARE.

                  • http://afrikanmami.blogspot.com African Mami

                    Jammy Jams,

                    You better frame that! Do NOT mess with African Mami’s feelings.

                  • Eric McD

                    “and for the record, i think you all are arguing theory over practice or how things SHOULD be versus how most things actually ARE.”

                    Yo- P- I’m glad you said it because I feel like the perpetration level was pretty high in this joint.

                  • nillalatte

                    Oh, the caveat PJ…. how you gonna be in a relationship with a woman and she NOT have some sort of feelings? I messed with some real doggs back in the day and one in particular taught me a lot about emotional maturity. We actually had ground rules for our relationship. There were no expectations beyond the time we spent together. We didn’t ‘break up’ per se, we just ended up going our separate ways with no announcement, nothing. I still consider him a friend. And, actually Panama, I have lived in the scenarios I have presented. It ain’t no theory how crazy an emotionally immature/attached man/woman can become. Just sayin.

                    • http://afrikanmami.blogspot.com African Mami

                      My QQQQQQQQQQUUUUUUUEEEEEN is sooooo gansta! When is that street lit book of yours coming out?!

                    • Mo-VSS

                      Right Nilla. I don’t know about anyone else but I’m not “perping” at all. I’ve lived what I write, which is why I gave ole boy the warnings.

                      Y’all really don’t hear me though…so learn the hard way. *shrugs.

              • A Woman’s Eyes

                Thank you Nillalatte.

                A man ending a relationship should never be the end of a woman’s life, happiness, joy.

                She has EVERY right to be angry. Yet emotional maturity is the sign of a strong ass woman.

                • http://asiyah3.wordpress.com Asiyah

                  Sometimes (as a matter of fact, many times) it’s not about the guy himself. It’s not about him leaving her. It’s about the woman being used and exploited and not being respected as a human being. That’s why many women snap. I don’t snap like I used to but I’m not going to sit here and call it emotional immaturity when someone else (male or female) snaps in such a way. It’s all about principles and many people don’t appreciate having their rights taken away from them by having others emotionally play them.

                  • A Woman’s Eyes

                    Asiyah, there are women in jail with a record because they snapped. We’ve got to stop thinking dealing out violence because of the end of a relationship is ok.

                    You never hear about a woman dealing out violence because she didn’t get the promotion or because shse got a B instead of an A.

                    We live in a culture where the media shows images of Black women snapping with violence in relationships — and Black girls and women are adopting this behavior as how they are supposed to act towards men who disappoint them and do not want to be with them.

                    And this:

                    ” It’s about the woman being used and exploited and not being respected as a human being. That’s why many women snap.”

                    Sounds like a victim’s viewpoint. Victims are powerless. They have no control over what happens to them — people do things to them, do them wrong. Dangerous p.o.v. to live in or outside of a relationship.

                    Women get into relationships voluntarily. Remember that.

                    • Justmetheguy

                      @ AWE- You are ON ONE today! I agree an will point out a wack term that people use that proliferates the mentality of women as victims with no agency and that’s the term “womanizer”. Like really?! We gon sit hear and act like he psychologically date raped her into acting irrationally (or half the time it’s not so much irrationally as it is just sexually or romantically). I feel like the term implies that men who have a lot of success with women based on their personality are evil hypnotists that treat women wrong by wooing them out their panties. I’m sure some of u probably feel different though. All depends on what ur definition of the term is and what your perception of seduction is I guess…

                    • http://asiyah3.wordpress.com Asiyah

                      I for one am about to snap because I didn’t get a job offer LOL

                    • http://asiyah3.wordpress.com Asiyah

                      I wasn’t implying women are victims. That’s why I wasn’t gender specific. When a person, male or female, exploits and uses someone else, most likely they will snap. And why shouldn’t they? That person destroyed you in the worse way possible.

        • Mena

          So you’re a habitual cheater? Or are you in open relationships?

          I am being serious by the way.

        • http://www.shay-d-lady.com shay-d-lady

          i dont see how this has anything to do with bieng an “adult”.
          our definitions are clearly different so it is what it is. I cant comment on you doing you or how you do it. if it works out for you fine do you.
          however i will say that i guess i wonder whats so wrong with being by yourself. being single doesnt automatically = lonely and. s.e.xless so why is that what you take it to mean an so much so that you commit yoursefl to a situation that you are not happy in?
          how are you defining relationship? do you just mean dating or are we talking commitment because to me the issue is not the dating of 2 people its more about the commitment. Thats something you didnt have to do and could have been on the up and up about and chose not to which is a character issue in my book.

          • Mena

            Well stated. He “seems” to be living up to the stereotype. The one that every woman complains about. Editgirl, is it cool that i did exactly what i called you out for doing? :-)

    • http://afrikanmami.blogspot.com African Mami

      @ Eric McD

      You sho don’t mince your words. If I read this, you’d have to find me somewhere near a bridge!

      • Eric McD

        For what? I hope not to jump, Seriously. A girlfriend came at me one day (in fact 2 different girlfriends said it) like “I don’t know what I’d do if you and I were to breakup.” I told her “I know what you’d do… you’d meet another ninja and move on.” Like life without me is the end of the world or some nonsense. It wasn’t and they’re both alright.

        • http://afrikanmami.blogspot.com African Mami

          eh, I’ll be VERY honest. When I saw that you are looking for a new car, I was like DAMN! I was only a gotdamn car that is replaceable! ——–>I’ll also be VERY honest, you scare me! Like I’ve been looking for ways to eh, explain why I’m jumping without coming across as being eh, a youngin or errm..Heck you just SCARE me.

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

          that is very true.

          when i was much younger i had a chick tell me that she woudln’t get into heaven without me by her side. i told her that she’d be fine and broke up with her. according to folks that know her, she still hates me to this day. oh well…ninjas learn to move on. its part of life. i’m with you on that one. i’ll live just like you’ll live. might it hurt, yes. but thats part of life.

          • https://twitter.com/#!/IluminatiNYC Todd

            PJ, if a chick told me that she wouldn’t get to heaven without me by her side, that’s grounds for breaking up RIGHT THERE. I’d expect boiled bunnies errtime I ran 10 minutes late. Nah, playa.

            • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

              we did break up shortly after…when i left the city for vacation. she got a phone call. lol

              • https://twitter.com/#!/IluminatiNYC Todd

                Good job, especially on making sure you were out of town. That broad seemed PSYCHO!

          • A Woman’s Eyes

            PJack,

            Pray tell, was this chick Mormon?

          • Editgirl

            Now I would think she needed pysch evaluation for that statement. And, then we would break up because she’s obviously dumb. Leave God out of crazy.

    • http://wildcougarconfessions.com Wild Cougar

      I think people are mad because you are planning and looking out for your best interests. I applaud it. Everyone will tell you to be alone for a while. Suffer loneliness and isolation. For what??? I mean really. For fairness? To evaluate the situation? Why? Really.
      It is my firm belief that you can’t “get it right” by trying hard. You can only get lucky. Because the other person is outside your control.

      Life is short. Get yours.

      • A Woman’s Eyes

        All of what you said, Wild Cougar.

        Not everyone who is just out of a relationship is wounded and needing to heal, needing time or needing to find themselves.

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

        yeah…in many ways i agree with you.

        but it does beg the question of just how responsible we all are for other people’s feelings and best interests. i get into that argument all the time. i think at nearly all times, everybody, even the ones arguing against what Eric is saying are still operating in their own perceived best interest even by being in a relationshipo they know is on the way out due to the subtle clues they shouldn’t have to pay attention to.

        its all very interesting this relationship stuff.

        • Justmetheguy

          @ Petey! D@mmit! U beat me to that comment! The person who holds on when they know it’s over is just as guilty as the one who goes and finds a replacement before ending it. Adults should be able to do whatever they feel is best for them as individuals. Until what u want as an individual encroaches on my freedom to do what I want to do. And truth be told, in reality we’re selfish and crave convenience. Breaking up because u know it’s over will usually allow for ur mind to convince u into going back to her because u miss her and miss the emotional connection (selfishness dressed in a different outfit), but if u find someone else first then u won’t be likely to play with her mind and emotions by dangling the possibility of gettin back together in her face. Finding someone else allows u to give her closure so she can get over it and move on too. Its the humane thing to do. The sh*t’s chess not checkers! Lmao!

          • A Woman’s Eyes

            Yes.

            I have witnessed men and women be lonely at the end of a relationship — because they gave up everybody, friends, associates, chat buddies, everybody when they were in a relationship they had no friends. So when they are out of a relationship, they are lost because they don’t know nobody.

            What I understood from this controversial act is that a man or woman can be in a relationship and have friends, associates they talk to and find out they are interested–and simply end the relationship with their partner and hit up the person they have been friends with.

            Its not as evil as we are making it out to be unless of course the people in it have evil intentions.

        • http://www.shay-d-lady.com shay-d-lady

          i gotta disagree. the issue is not about him operating in his best interest its that he is operating in his self interest at the expense of someone else’s. When you stay in relationship a longer than you shoud yes there are selfish reasons but a lot of it has to do (at least in my past) with you also loving that person enough that you dont want to be the cause of their pain and your stuck between a rock and ahard place, dayumed if you do dayumed if you dont.
          when you are in a committed relationship and you are no longer committed yet you stay so that you dont have to go without s.e.x i mean comeon on now, thats f !ckedup on so many levels. because lets be real we have all been at the end of the relaitonship, the s.e.x aint flowing that frequently when you near that point so that makes me question the amount of false promises and manipulative behavior is being used to keep that up. which goes back to my original issue of it being a character issue.

          • Mena

            People like him are the first ones to cry how woman aren’t worth $hit. Well buddy, look at how you treat them. His comments were really on some arrogance tip. I guess he has women that gas him up for him to feel the way he does.

            • Justmetheguy

              @ Mena- Were u referring to me? If so that’s very inaccurate. And FYI lining someone up to me moreso means gauging the potential of exploring an attraction for somebody u r already attracted to. It doesn’t mean puttin in work so that u can leave ur current boo on monday and smang the new one by Wednesday. It just means goin to the waters and seeing what the tide looks like. U don’t have to stick ur toe in to figure out whether or not certain women u come into contact with would be willing. I still contend that neither is more selfish if “lining one up” is defined this way.

              • mena

                Heck no. Was talking about Eric. We’re good.

      • JessicaL

        I agree with this.

      • Editgirl

        You know what, even if gangbanged a group of hookers three minutes after breaking up with his ex, I would understand that more than LINING UP SOMEONE while in a committed relationship because you don’t want to be alone. Three minutes after your break up, you’re not in a relationship!

        The big issue that is being ignored beyond lining someone up is his FEAR of being alone. Just like what I wrote about being a whole person. A person afraid of being ALONE is not a whole person to date.

        This board has talked continuously about how stupid it is or equally annoying to be a serial relationship person.

        That to me is what he reads as.

        The person of a relationship, btw, is not to do you. But to do you, she (or he) and we. So end that ish and rock out with your c&*k out.

        • Editgirl

          person=purpose

      • Medium Meech

        I somewhat agree with this line of thinking, but not all the way. At the end of the day we are all responsible for our own happiness. But my problem with this and Eric’s line of thinking is that it is short sighted.

        It promotes jealousy and dishonestly which puts a relationship at a disadvantage from jump. If you think like this then you will never really trust your mate and any of their interactions with the other sex, and with good reason from what I’m reading. How can you trust somebody else when you don’t even trust yourself?

        I’m not saying I’m morally better than anyone, but this is the kind of behavior that pisses me off. Not because I’ve been hurt by it, but because I look like a jerk because I try to be completely honest about where I am in terms of commitment from jump and serial monogamist halfass relationships without ever really being committed.

        Why make a big deal about being committed and monogamous if this is how you’re going to play it? Why would you go into a relationship thinking “I will probably cheat if things aren’t going the way I want them to”. Maybe it’s me. Maybe I take commitment too seriously. That’s probably why I don’t get into them easily.

        • Mena

          Done. And exactly.

        • Mo-VSS

          Thank you for telling it from a man’s perspective. A man with some personal morals and sense.

        • YeahSo

          Hmmmm :-)

    • Kema

      I remember thinking like Eric. I used the job analogy. You dont quit until you find a new one right?

      But that seems to stem from a fear of being alone. I’ve learned that amusing myself for a second is not that bad.

      • Editgirl

        But, they’re drastically different. You’re likely to be homeless and/or starving if you leave a job without anything lined up. That’s unless you have an inheritance you can fall back on. And, you look more pleasing to an employer if you’re in a position.

        If you’re more pleasing to women while in a relationship, then ole girl is likely a skank. And, you shouldn’t be forced out of your house or to starve if you’re just dating sans rings.

        • Justmetheguy

          Editgirl, what if you’re lining them up for sex tho and NOT a relationship. Like perhaps y’all will be friends with benefits. It seems wrong, but is it tho? Some of us prefer not to become the master of our bation for too long. Emotionally? Sure we need to know how to be alone for a while. Definitely agree, but sexually I don’t need to reflect on sh*t! I’m horny d@mmit! Lol

          • Kema

            I kinda agree except for me it wasnt $ex it was for steady male attention. I didnt want to give up dude until I had someone else to fill the spot.

          • demondog06

            @JMTG-
            +57
            with ex girlfriend # 2, i wasn’t salty about the break up, but more so that i didn’t see it coming, and was ill prepared for the drought that followed. i’d ask her if she was happy or if she wasn’t feelin me no more and wanted to see other people. she’d say we was cool so i thought we was good.

            low and behold she hit me with the deuces and i didn’t have any other voodoo lined up, which meant now i’m spending the next 5 months with dry balls roving the clubs and sorority parties.
            i should’ve been payin attention and started groomin some new cooch.
            i agree with eric on this. i’m a marginal lookin dude that also happens to be cheap. for me trynna get in some new panties is like having a 2nd job that i’m not getting paid to do.
            and what’s reall crucial is that she was fuggin anotha nigglit before my corpse was even cold.

            • Mena

              “i should’ve been payin attention and started groomin some new cooch.”

              I think you mean “paying attention, left the relationship, looked for another one.” I guess what i am seeing here is that yall want to hurt the person before they have the chance to hurt you. So that when things fail, you won’t have to reflect on what went wrong b/c you will be in someone else’s arms. Is this the case?

              • Kema

                I dont think its that deep. They are mourning the loss of va-jay-jay

                • Mena

                  I like to give men more credit than they only chase with their d!cks though. But, maybe you have a point.

                  • demondog06

                    kema does have a point.
                    it’s not about hurtin anyone.
                    it’s bout havin some more voodoo lined up. pure n simple.

                    there was nothing to reflect on. i understand that folks feelings change.
                    most trips don’t last. i wasn’t mad at her for feelin another dude…ish happens and the heart wants what the heart wants. it tis what it tis…..

                    all i know is that there were other poon i could’ve been cultivating while she was contemplating things

                • Justmetheguy

                  Lmao! +1 Kema- Id prefer some va jay jay while I reflect on where I went wrong with my last relationship. It’s all the more agonizing with a dry d*ck. I’ll pass and reflect while I smack some new cheeks around.

        • Royale W. Cheese

          “If you’re more pleasing to women while in a relationship, then ole girl is likely a skank.”

          LOL. Hence my earlier comment, girl-in-waiting sounds like a real winner.

    • legitimate_soul

      Just curious and I mean no disrespect at all, but for those who have the “placeholder” relationship or always have a person waiting in the wings, do you ever feel you need to be single? Like fully and totally single to just do you and assess what you really want and to really know who YOU are independent of the person you are dealing with. I think some people feel like being single is this sad lonely thing, when being single can be FRIGGIN’ EXCELLENT! There is value in rolling dolo for a bit.

      • http://wildcougarconfessions.com Wild Cougar

        If he doesn’t want to be single, why should he be? Maybe he knows himself and doesn’t need to be alone to know himself. For that matter maybe he doesn’t want to know what its like to be alone. That’s his prerogative. Just because he lined up a new girl doesn’t make it any more wrong than sticking around because you don’t want to be alone. How many people stay in relationships for the sex, the kids, or because they were with that person so long they couldn’t figure out how to start over?

        If you’re being dishonest, then every time you think, this is over and don’t break up, you’re “playing with someones feelings”. That’s unrealistic. Him having a new woman in the wings is his choice and right. I don’t see a damn thing wrong with it.

        • Mena

          “If he doesn’t want to be single, why should he be? Maybe he knows himself and doesn’t need to be alone to know himself. For that matter maybe he doesn’t want to know what its like to be alone. That’s his prerogative. Just because he lined up a new girl doesn’t make it any more wrong than sticking around because you don’t want to be alone.”

          Then wouldn’t you agree WC to find someone that has the same line of thinking as you? His comment seems to say (but maybe i am mistaken) that he gets into relationships with women who want to be in relationships with his foot already out of the door. Then when he finds someone better, he lines them up (possibly cheating and being deceitful) and lets the show drop on the woman he was in a relationship with. How is that being an adult? People like this breed angry individuals who go into the next relationship ruined. These are also the same people to go HAM if someone did the same thing to them.

          Find someone that has the same mentality as you when it comes to relationships is all that i am saying. They are called f$ck buddies.

          • Eric McD

            For the record, I don’t do it all the time but I’m doing it now. I’ve been single with ZERO prospects before and it was wack. I know myself and I like female companionship. The last thing I want is to be back on the dating scene bucket nekkid with no options. If I need options I’ma go get some. Y’all ladies (with a few exceptions) just like to do the breaking up and hate it when a guy beats you to the punch and be happy with a new chick 2 days later. Y’all are jealous that I had the foresight to get my ducks in a row and you don’t. HAHA!!!!!

            • Mena

              Sweetie, you need a hug.

              • Eric McD

                That’s quite condescending but do you.

              • i cannae remeber

                +1

                Like wooower issues.

            • Namia

              i think its cool to have your ducks in a row at the end of the day its all about you…no matter how people want to feel righteous about it

        • legitimate_soul

          I know you are offering another point of view, I’m just saying for the record I didn’t say for him to do anything. I just asked a question. I have an opinion, but I’m not here to judge him or say anything one way or another. I appreciate everybody sharing their viewpoint and experience. I just asked a question so I can understand.

          • legitimate_soul

            ^The above comment is intended for Wild Cougar.

    • http://www.twitter.com/kjnetic King Jordan

      After reading this thread, perhaps a better analogy would be ‘changing jobs’ rather than ‘changing cars’?

  • http://www.shardesaidwhat.blogspot.com Sharde Marie

    This reminds me on my son’s fother. We had a good relationship, but then the arguing started and once we threw a baby into the equation there was just so much going on that we were left with no choice but to end thngs. It was hard at first, but now (almost 6 years later) we have a healthy (non-romantic) relationship. We are friends, we communicate well, have little to argue about, and do a damn good job with shared parenting. I still love him and I’m sure he still has love for me, but had we stayed together, we would have hated each other and Lord knows what kind of damage that could’ve done to my baby boy. Sure there was tons to hold onto. He loved God, was a family man, held down a good job, was educated, made me laugh, etc. However, we got to the point where the lows were too much and things just stopped. Glad it all worked out in the end.

    • http://commentarybyvalentina.wordpress.com Val

      Sucks when your with someone that has a lot of the qualities that you want but it still doesn’t work out. It’s harder to walk away from that type of relationship.

      • https://twitter.com/#!/mackaroto Jay

        Tell. Me. About. It.

      • http://www.iamyourpeople.com I Am Your People

        This is my fear #95869586945 about having kids. Being in a relationship that’s ‘over’ but trying to stick it out for the kids.

        • Justmetheguy

          +1 @ Val and IAYP. Y for come it got to be so d@mn complicated??? Smdh

        • http://www.shardesaidwhat.blogspot.com Sharde Marie

          I grew up watching my parents HATE each other. If they didn’t keep popping out kids I would have never known they even touched each other. No affection, no kind words, just hatred. And all in the name of staying together for their children. I refused to do that to my kids. So when I saw it starting, when I felt myself hating to see his face next to me every morning, when everything he did pissed me off to know end, I left.
          Staying together for the kids is the worst thing one can do. Seeing the way my mother hated my father, how she argued with everything he said, watching them fight and seeing my mom literally whoop his ass….yeha that did a number on my relationship perspective .

          • MJoy

            My parents were/are the same way… been married 30+ years but it looks like pure hell.

            I’d never stay with anyone “for my kids”. I’d happily leave for my kids.

            • http://www.shardesaidwhat.blogspot.com Sharde Marie

              That is the one thing I vowed never to do.

          • https://twitter.com/#!/IluminatiNYC Todd

            Your mom literally BEAT your dad? Yeah…I could see how that would be a painful situation. No one with sanity would want to repeat that script.

            • http://www.shardesaidwhat.blogspot.com Sharde Marie

              lol yeah, my mom was kinda crazy. But in all fairness he slapped her once and she kinda took off on him. My older sister and I had to more our younger siblings out of the way…including the one she was nursing. I laugh at it now, but their backwards roles really messed me up. I searched for guys who were nothing like my passive father and ended up dating a couple abusive control freaks. SMH Definitely didn’t want that happening with my kids.

        • http://www.shardesaidwhat.blogspot.com Sharde Marie

          I grew up watching my parents hate each other. If they didn’t keep poping out kids, I’d never known they even touched each other. No affection, just hate. They stayed together for their children and that did far more damage. Watching them argue and fight and just hate each other really messed up my prespective on relationships.
          When I was with my ex and I felt the hatred coming, I left. Best decision ever.

          • http://www.shardesaidwhat.blogspot.com Sharde Marie

            Of course the missing comment posts after I rewrite it. SMH

      • http://www.twitter.com/SmartFoxGirl SmartFoxGirl

        PREACH!

    • A Woman’s Eyes

      Sharde Marie, you and your son’s father are wise.

      Black society needs to stop seeing shared co-parenting as a bad thing just because the relationship didn’t work out.

      The world needs different types of relationships that work out. Not just romantic.

      Some people need to know that the romantic monogamous relationship is NOT the only “successful” relationship model out there.

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

        word.booty.

        • MJoy

          BIG booty

      • https://twitter.com/#!/IluminatiNYC Todd

        Word. There are a lot of kids without fathers in their lives because they never figured that concept out. Just because you can’t work on a romantic level doesn’t mean you can’t work together AT ALL.

        • Justmetheguy

          @ AWE Exactly! Us figuring this out will be what makes black America evolve into a much more productive community. Many other issues will fall into place when we figure that out. Cause as Todd correctly pointed out, this is at the core of quite a few situations that turned into absentee fatherhood. And we all know what type of drama that has the potential to bring

      • http://www.shardesaidwhat.blogspot.com Sharde Marie

        Well my son’s father is white, but as a Black woman with a Black child I still feel we qualify. lol

        • MJoy

          way to shut us all the way down. lol.

          • http://www.shardesaidwhat.blogspot.com Sharde Marie

            Sorry to shatter the pretty picture I painted. lol

  • Meisarebel

    I cosign this.

    Firstly, that song is fkn epic.

    Secondly, I’ve been there. Low key, in some ways STILL there. Letting go is harder than a mothersucker, and we (people) tend to have crystal clear logic about all relationships but the one we’re in. We can make a very astute judgement about our friend’s fked up situation without realising, or rather admitting, that ours is just as bad, or God forbid, worse. But we’re in love, right?

    And that’s the strange thing about it. We (the royal we, meaning more so I) convince ourselves that it is BECAUSE of this love that we don’t want to, or rather shouldn’t let go. Then the flip side comes and we try to convince ourselves that if we really loved that person, we will let them go. If we were meant to be, we will be.

    I call bull on all of that. Relationships are hard. I applaud all those who can attest that they are happily married after 10 years with no infidelity, cause that blows my mind. Not so much the monogamy, cause I think I can get with that, but NOT reaching that climax.

    • Justmetheguy

      ” And that’s the strange thing about it. We (the royal we, meaning more so I) convince ourselves that it is BECAUSE of this love that we don’t want to, or rather shouldn’t let go. Then the flip side comes and we try to convince ourselves that if we really loved that person, we will let them go. If we were meant to be, we will be.

      I call bull on all of that. Relationships are hard. I applaud all those who can attest that they are happily married after 10 years with no infidelity, cause that blows my mind. Not so much the monogamy, cause I think I can get with that, but NOT reaching that climax.”

      Mannnnn……you really didn’t spare a relevant detail in that description. Beautifully written. You pretty much said it all. 10+ years is some sh*t I can’t fathom for myself (even though I totally think it’s possible for a lot of people).

    • http://afrikanmami.blogspot.com African Mami

      @ Meisarebel,

      There is a season and time for everything. Your season is not yet nigh. That’s why 10 years is giving you cardiac arrests. I think marriage has been reduced so much so to nothingness these days, that people find any and every excuse to not be able to stay together with the chosen one, as if a gun was pointed on their head when they proposed and took the vows.

      If you are not ready for marriage, do NOT marry. Wait it out. If it means marrying at the ripe young age of 60 because that’s when you feel you are READY so be it! Timing is crucial!

      • Meisarebel

        True talk don’t lie.

        Don’t get me wrong though, I WANT that marriage where I can see my wife the in the same beautiful, loving light, 2 years, 20 years, 50 years down the line. A part of me longs for that. Yet, and perhaps it does have to do with my current experiences (I dare not say immaturity, that’s too broad of a term for me), I may not be ready at this exact point in my life. Despite my feelings/longings.

    • nillalatte

      “Relationships are hard.”

      See, I don’t believe this at all. A good relationship flows like water. Their easy because they were meant to be. When they become ‘hard’ is when things are not working properly. One side is trying to coax the other side along and it’s like a rusty wheel grinding to a halt due to poor maintenance.

      I’ve had the ‘hard’ relationships and I’ve had the easy ones. I enjoyed the easy ones much better for a longer period of time. The hard ones drive me insane. I don’t want to have to deal with a lot of BS. Either we get along and we’re on the same page or we’re not.

      Yesterday is the past. Tomorrow is the future. They call today a present because it is a gift. Live in the moment.

      • Meisarebel

        I respect that.

        I don’t have a multitude of relationship experience to truly compare the hard ones with the easy ones. There’s only been one woman I’ve ever called girlfriend. And despite all our bullcrap, I truly believed we were meant to be. Yet I’ll be lying if I said it wasn’t hard. Not hard to love her, that was easy. Hard to live up to expectations. Hard to establish and properly plan a blossoming future. Hard to come to a realisation that it very well could be both of you against the world.

        Now, understand me, I’m not saying these things are impossible. Not saying I didn’t do any of those. I’m saying that they don’t come naturally. They are not easy as 1+1. Cause, if I’m allowed some poetic license here, in a relationship I believe 1+1=1, and that’s some difficult ish to grasp.

        • nillalatte

          @Meisarebel… I see you are a romantic at heart. That is endearing. But, don’t let a woman run all over your heart because you want the fantasy relationship. Some women will not cherish your heart. Others, however, the ones that really, deeply care for you as a person, will. :)

          • Meisarebel

            I can also be an arse.

            It’s difficult as hell for me to get to that point, cause I cherish spontaneity too much perhaps. But I do long for it though. Shrug.

            Tryna make that happen?

            Note: I’m also persistent.

        • MJoy

          “Cause, if I’m allowed some poetic license here, in a relationship I believe 1+1=1, and that’s some difficult ish to grasp.”

          Well that was beautiful. Not difficult to grasp, just difficult to accomplish.

      • Editgirl

        What’s your longest relationship? I ask to understand your perspective. I know no one married or in a long-term relationship that would EVER say relationships are easy and flow like water. No way, no how. That’s only if you’re dating yourself. You take two individuals with two different life experiences and there’s no way that it can never be difficult. All relationships from romantical to familial to biological have moments where things are. I wouldn’t even say my relationship with my mother and best friend –women I adore– just flows and doesn’t require a certain amount of effort. I absolutely disagree. That water stuff is for the movies.

        • nillalatte

          @editgirl,

          I was married for 15yrs. Before that I had 2 other LTR that lasted ~2 1/2yrs each. In between were many other men that I dated (note: ‘dating’ does not equal sleeping with them).

          Yes, we’ve discussed this here before too. Good relationships are easy, not that they are effortless. Of course, you have put effort into a relationship. But, when a relationship becomes WORK that means you have to actively engage to repair something. Some things cannot be repaired.

          You said it yourself, you put EFFORT into your relationship with your mom & best friend. Of course you do, but do you have to WORK at maintaining that relationship? No, you don’t. That’s how a relationship with your man should flow if it’s a good relationship.

          I make the distinction because my relationships flowed like water until there were issues that couldn’t be repaired (i.e. WORK). If you are working at the relationship the other party is not putting in the effort to maintain a relationship, then it’s time to bounce.

          • MJoy

            trust me, relationships are hard

            • Eric McD

              “trust me, relationships are hard”

              I think that’s the point that you don’t understand. Relationships should NOT be hard. If you’re in a “hard” relationship you need to be in a different relationship with somebody else. Women seem to have a masochistic streak where they love the “hard”, the pain, the rollercoaster ride of emotions. You all actually like the depths of bad feelings. I don’t. If it ain’t easy it ain’t right when it comes to relationships. If all you have in your relationships is trials and tribulations, imagine what it would be like if you and your loved one actually agreed on many things and agreed to disagree on others. Imagine the life you would lead if you didn’t have to compromise all the time. What would it be like if you and him saw things the same way? That’s the type of relationship that I’m shooting for.

              • nillalatte

                “If you’re in a “hard” relationship you need to be in a different relationship with somebody else.”

                Exactly! I see you and me, we right >here< on this understanding. I ain't about no drama, carnivals or roller coaster rides with emotions. I'll love a man and give him, but I ain't gonna cling to you to keep you. You don't wanna be in a relationship with me? Cool. I will survive and I will thrive just fine without you. Don't mean ain't gonna be another. There most likely will be.

              • Meisarebel

                And this is where I think yual are missing MY point.

                When I say hard, I do not mean constantly full of tribulations. When I say hard, I mean being exposed to new and in some cases brutally honest truths about your other, but more so, yourself. I do not want someone who is exactly like me. I don’t want someone who shares all my intrests. That’s boring. I believe we crave a challenge. We want that person who compliments us, not just like us. But finding that complimentary other, and maintaining that, IS hard. Not saying it’s a daunting task, I’m just saying it’s not a walk in the park. If it were easy, no effort would have to be put in cause things would just be willy nilly.

                We could be arguing semantics at this point, but just wanted to make my point.

      • A Woman’s Eyes

        ” I don’t want to have to deal with a lot of BS. Either we get along and we’re on the same page or we’re not.

        Yesterday is the past. Tomorrow is the future. They call today a present because it is a gift. Live in the moment.”

        Amen. We are not supposed to deal with b.s. And interestedly enough…in difficult relationships, its often one person who starts to believe they should not have to deal with b.s., that things should not be difficult, while the other person is holding on thinking they are being “good” by working through the b.s.

  • b sweet

    Thanks Panama for making me download ‘No Air’ and listen to it like it just dropped yesterday.

    I have the opposite problem. I pull the trigger on relationships/dating scenarios quicker than a paranoid killer. I’m looking forward to investing more in relationships to even get to that point of contemplating if we’ve run our course. It’s been a minute since I’ve loved so urgently I’ve worn myself out.

    • http://www.shardesaidwhat.blogspot.com Sharde Marie

      I’ve been pulling the trigger lately as well. After holding on too long, you learn to let go. I see incompatibilities *pow* Inability to compromise *pow* Lack of orgasm *pow* lol but seriously, after a while you get tired of kidding yourself.

    • http://twitter.com/itztrizz617 Tristan

      As with most things, balance is key. You can’t be holding on to dear life to something you know has run its course and you also cant be cutting off seemingly good guys because they went out and didnt hit you up.

    • http://www.twitter.com/SmartFoxGirl SmartFoxGirl

      Yes girl. No risk no reward. You gotta put yourself out there.

    • http://asiyah3.wordpress.com Asiyah

      “I have the opposite problem. I pull the trigger on relationships/dating scenarios quicker than a paranoid killer. I’m looking forward to investing more in relationships to even get to that point of contemplating if we’ve run our course. It’s been a minute since I’ve loved so urgently I’ve worn myself out.”

      Had this problem for years, then I got in an open relationship that fizzled and we’re friends and I keep holding on because I care about him but I know damn well that even our friendship is toxic (the open relationship is now nonexistent). I went from one extreme to another.

    • MJoy

      Every time I hear that song it’s like the first time every time. So good. So sad. So relevant.

  • Editgirl

    This is a good topic. And, I’ll give you a soul clap for not generalizing as much and speaking a tremendous amount of truth. I’ll say through experience that young buppie black people seem to be doing just fine at letting go at any sign of strife.

    As a matter of fact, based on the posts that I have read here, that seems to be a common theme. I have never read a blog post talking about how to work it out or when to work it out or how to maintain a relationship. I think that’s mainly because the two bloggers that operate the Website aren’t interested in long-term relationships. So I understand the point of view because it’s where you are in your life.

    I think everyone that has been in more than one relationship knows that they had one that went beyond the expiration day. If you’re not married, though, what’s the likelihood that you ever tried to truly put in work for the lows?

    • Mo-VSS

      I’d generalize and say you don’t read much of that here because in everyday life, people aren’t experiencing anything close to working it out. We’re encouraged not to settle, there’s always more, you can have it all…all that sh*t is bullsh*t though. Add on to that black people’s reluctance to seek any outside help (yes I’m talking about counseling, not that older, bitter family member) to strengthen communication skills and develop a sense what it takes to make a relationship grow, and you have a generation who leaves relationships faster than the clerk at McDonald’s can dispense nuggets at the drive-thru.

      If a person isn’t ready or wanting something long lasting, then I can see why they don’t stick and stay. But when you do want that, it’s worth it to seek ways ensure you can make it happen.

      • Editgirl

        I think you hit the nail on the head with this:

        “…black people’s reluctance to seek any outside help (yes I’m talking about counseling, not that older, bitter family member) to strengthen communication skills and develop a sense what it takes to make a relationship grow, and you have a generation who leaves relationships faster than the clerk at McDonald’s can dispense nuggets at the drive-thru.” —@MO-VOSS

        I personally think the destruction of the black family has played a key role in the stagnant economic position of most black people. And, miscommunication is the number one cause of the demise of any/all relationships. We’d rather walk than figure out how to better communicate our wants and needs. I guarantee you that during the highs and the lows we never heard or listened to the any of the troubles because we’re not taught how to do that.

        • Mo-VSS

          Definitely. It’s a cycle of “I’m strong…I don’t need you” from both sides of the aisle. Then we collectively wonder why we’re single. I have been guilty of this too but finally I’m doing to work to fix me and learn some things so the next one will be right.

    • https://twitter.com/#!/IluminatiNYC Todd

      Well, as a married man, I’ve put in the work. When you work hard at your job, hard at your relationship and hard at your life in general, then just to have it ignored because you were 10 minutes late from work, and dinner wasn’t on the table, then…yeah.

      • Editgirl

        And, I applaud you for attempting to make it work. If you have any children, I’m sure that will appreciate the effort you put in.

        If it’s not working, then depart it. The fact is that’s not traditionally the case. Particularly when we’re talking about relationships that aren’t marriage.

        How many men would run from a woman, like, say, Mark Zuckerberg’s new wife that gave a list of demands to successful navigate their relationship? For example, she required at least one date a week and an hour outside of the quarters of FB?

        I think there would be a series of blog posts about how a girl tried to trap them or was too demanding if she stated clearly what she needed to keep their relationship going.

        • https://twitter.com/#!/IluminatiNYC Todd

          Where the hell is this mythical planet where women do all the work in relationships, and men just sit there entitled to a woman? Seriously, show me this world. Maybe I could leave my house for more than 3 hours without my child without wondering if she’ll be fed and/or clean while I’m gone. That would be nice.

          I know women do try, and I support the ones that do. But don’t make it look like it’s the dude that’s slacking off all the time. Women can take advantage of men the same way men can take advantage of women.

          • Editgirl

            I don’t recall stating women do all the work in the relationship. And, you mostly certainly know that you could find a woman that would help tell care of your child even if she doesn’t love you. Now, whether she can love and rear your child is different. But, while there are certainly bad mothers, it is not traditionally the case that women abandon their children. There is a reason why there are more single active mothers than single active fathers.

            The woman you are with, based on your posts, is a bad mother and a bad wife. The bad mother is more than enough to leave her.

            ANd, my post mentioned nothing about slacking off. 90 percent of the men that I know are very active in the lives of their children, which is why I NEVER say black men don’t take care of their children. From experience, I know this to not be true.

            • https://twitter.com/#!/IluminatiNYC Todd

              Hey, I apologize if I read you wrong, but back to your original comment, you were talking about men in general backing off from relationships if a woman makes certain demands to make it work. My point is that no gender has a monopoly on that BS. Women do back off from men when they make requests. What makes women worse is that they expect the dude to be around more often than not. If the dude decides to roll out, that man will be talked about to every friendly group of women she meets until her dying day. Men will just make a dumb request, and if the woman leaves, well….*cue the misogynistic hip-hop*.

    • http://wildcougarconfessions.com Wild Cougar

      Walking away, not trusting, throwing up the deuces is always applauded, it seems, in the Black community.

      But if you dare to trust, give without expecting in return, forgive and forget? If you don’t bounce at the first sign of strife. You will be called all kinds of stupid, naive, foolish, delusional, etc…

      Black folks don’t love love. We love hate.

      • http://taterwithak.blogspot.com K. Marie

        I think this just might be the comment of the week. So true. Sad….but true.

      • http://asiyah3.wordpress.com Asiyah

        Wild Cougar speaks truthfully. Though I can’t speak for the Black Community, I do notice that a lot of people value the “deuces” mentality and judge vulnerability and openness in relationships.

      • http://obsidianraw.bravejournal.com Obsidian

        @”Wild Cougar”:

        “Walking away, not trusting, throwing up the deuces is always applauded, it seems, in the Black community.

        But if you dare to trust, give without expecting in return, forgive and forget? If you don’t bounce at the first sign of strife. You will be called all kinds of stupid, naive, foolish, delusional, etc…

        Black folks don’t love love. We love hate.”

        O: Here, here!-the comment of the week, indeed.

        O.

        • MJoy

          Obsidian is replying to someone ELSE’s comment?????????

          What a great day!

    • Mena

      “I think that’s mainly because the two bloggers that operate the Website aren’t interested in long-term relationships.” I didn’t realize you knew Panama and Champ personally. Do tell. What else do you know about them? Or could it be that they don’t want to put everything about their lives out there and so they only give us snippets? Many of us don’t know these guys and only what they have written. Saying that they aren’t interested in long-term relationships is overstepping a tad.

      • Editgirl

        I don’t know them from Adam and Steve. I know that Champ wrote that he didn’t want to be in a relationship because he did not want to tell someone where he wanted to be when he wanted to be. I don’t know Panama’s story other than what he shares on the Web and seems to NOT be in a relationship. And, based on posts not desiring marriage pre-certain age, it seems pretty obvious to me. So what are you talking about? How are you going to be mad because I’m reading between the lines of what has been written? I could be wrong. I wrote “seems” and not that I know. We never met. We never kicked it. I draw conclusions on what I read. That’s my interpretation.

        • Mena

          “I think that’s mainly because the two bloggers that operate the Website aren’t interested in long-term relationships.” You stated this as a fact when i have read things on this blog to go against that. Anywho, wasn’t trying to jump at you hard. I apologize if i came off that way.

    • A Woman’s Eyes

      I’m not buppie.

      I also want to say that I’m one of the people who’ve done everything to make a relationship work, that I totally understand why its not right to hold onto a person who doesn’t want to stay with you, who is leaving, no matter how “good” and “moral” and “ethical” you and your values are. ‘Tis life.

      In a relationship I have your back, but I have my back, also. So, if you don’t want to stay, I will not sit on a moral high horse because you want to leave. If I want to leave, I will leave.

      Women give up too much of themselves then fall apart when the relationship is over without their permission.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      to be fair, we’ve both written about the very things you claim we haven’t. you just have to dig in.

      and i have no issue with long-term relationships at all. hell, when this blog started i was in a very long term relationship. it ended. i think like most people, and specifically men, i’m just looking for the long term relationship that i want. not that it has to say perfection, just good for me.

      • Editgirl

        I think I remember that. Now that I have it out of your hands, I won’t make anymore assumptions on that point.

        You hear that, @Mena?

        • Mena

          Hear you loud and clear :-)

  • Cheech

    If the climax was a train, I’d be a deaf and blind person standing on the tracks. I feel it coming but never see the definite signs so it always lays me out. But then again as a former middle school nerd from the baltimore county public school system, I tend to think it is inevitable so I take it in stride