Theory & Essay

Get Yo’ Hands Out Of My Email!

Some of y'all have this setup don't you?

Some of y’all have this setup don’t you?

People are crazy. Period. Aside from death and taxes, insanity on behalf of the human race is the only other certainty in life.

Yet for some reason or another, we, a people who are crazy, are also one of the most hopeful and optimistic species on the planet. We like to think that the one time out of then that somebody does something we want them to do trumps the nine times that they attempted to get us murdered by doing any of a number of things.

What does this have to do with the price of your NCAA bracket in North Carolina? Glad you asked.

Knowing that people are crazy, and crazy people really can’t be trusted, should we all assume that our significant others snoop through all of our stuff? And by stuff I mean cell phones, emails, etc. And by snooping I mean actively breaking into our emails and cell phones and basically committing felonies in order to a) gain information; or b) make sure they’re not being played?

I bring this up because the other day I was listening to the radio and heard some folks talking about how their current and/or exes have gone thru their FB messages and text messages and what not. It came up because somebody on the radio asked if folks actively deleted text messages. This started an all out war about whether or not you should delete texts or not. Conventional wisdom says it does look suspicious to do so…

…wait….but why?

How the hell would anybody KNOW that you’re doing this UNLESS they are breaking into your phone and thereby possibly giving you a reason to do so because they can’t be trusted? Of course, if you do have a need to delete anything then there’s a chance it probably shouldn’t be there in the first place. It’s a vicious cycle. I can’t stop eating because I’m fat, but I’m fat because I can’t stop eating.

But let’s kind of skip over what dirt you may or may not be doing. Stop it. Don’t do dirt. Now you can say you resisted.


The last few lines came from Tyler Perry’s Temptation. Don’t see this movie. Unless you already have. If you have, then I feel sorry for your mother.

I remember having a convo with a friend of mine a few weeks ago and she said to me, straight up, “P, if you have a phone, I think it’s a pretty safe bet that your girl has gone through it.” In the next breath though, she did tell me that she’s never done such a thing which of course leads me to one, and only one conclusion: you can never believe anything a woman says.

I keeed. I keeeed. Kinda.

But all of these folks were calling in, both men and women, saying how their phones and profiles were constantly being surveilled by their folks. What caught me most off guard is that none of them sounded surprised by it or even upset. A ninja like myself? I’m not ’bout that life. I don’t believe in sharing passwords (though I’ve learned that if you password protect anything, your SO is going to find out that code by paying attention at all times). I remember once getting into a discussion about my passwords.

“Yeah, I ain’t giving up the passwords.”

“Do you have something to hide?”

“No. I just don’t think that you need them.”

“Ewww. I don’t even want them but I feel some kind of way that you are telling me that I can’t have them.”

“Tough titty. Make me a sandwich.”

It went something like that. But probably didn’t end like that. The point was clear. I think people you are dating do tend to feel a certain entitlement to your private life. I know of couples who are only dating where they give up all of their passwords and important information. Folks who have been dating for 6 months handing over married life info in case of emergencies. Naw, my ninja. In case of emergency, call my momma. I don’t expect somebody I’m only dating to be the emergency contact at work or anything. But apparently some folks operate like that so I suppose handing over the passwords makes sense.

Perhaps I’m just paranoid, but you know how when you really need that email or something inside your email and you can’t access a computer…I will pop a molly and sweat around Rick Ross before I’d think to call my girlfriend up and give her access to my email. That might sound ridiculous, but if I’m to assume that ninjas are going to go through my stuff anyway, then why HAND over permission to do so.

Plus it opens the door. (No judgement btw for some of you all who are completely okay with this). You give them the password. They give you what you need. You change your password. They notice. Well they can’t just say it but folks ALWAYS tell on themself and get crafty with telling you what they’ve been doing. Plus, I don’t feel like having to explain something thats in my email who doesn’t understand context or what have you.

But back to the lecture at hand, should you just expect that your significant other is going to dig through your stuff, effectively hack into your accounts?

Is this just where we are? I’m curious.

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Panama Jackson

Panama Jackson is pretty fly for a light guy. He used to ship his frito to Tito in the District, but shipping prices increased so he moved there to save money. When he's not saving humanity with his words or making music with his mouth, you can find him at your mama's mama's house drinking her fine liquors. Most importantly, he believes the children are our future.

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