I believe that if you decide to commit to somebody then you commit: lock, stock, and barrel. You believe in their dreams and hope they live long enough to see them. If he just can’t wait to be King, then you call him Martin Luther. If she wants to dance with somebody who loves her, then tear the roof of this sucka and go up on the down stroke. Whatever it takes. That’s what commitment is. F*ck them other n*ggas because I’m down for my n*ggas.
And all of that would be well and good, except every now and then, the people we’ve decided to commit to do some ridiculously outlandish stuff. And I don’t mean sleep just sleep with somebody else. While it may be morally wrong, its neither ridiculous or outlandish. Banging a horse? Now that’s both. And what do we call that? That’s a 392 violoation: Instantly Breakupable Offense.
I don’t care if you did it six years ago and you were higher than Charlie Sheen sitting on a cloud on the third ring of Saturn. If I find out you did something like that, you gots ta go.
F*ck your couch.
Here are some other Code 392 Violations: Instantly Breakupable Offenses
1. These shoes (<—-click me motherf*cker)
I intentionally didn’t post the picture because I want everybody to get the full effect of actually clicking on the link and seeing them. I also will not describe the non-sense. But as great philosopher king, The Champ, said to me when I shared this travashamockery with him, “you’d have to re-evaluate your life if you were dating somebody who would seriously consider wearing these.” Yo, word to Big Bird, if my woman ever showed up with those on her feet, and thought it was okay, I might have to disavow all knowledge of her.
2. Cursing at my mother
Whoooooo lawd haf mercy got bles da chile hoo s’got his own. My mother doesn’t even curse. If even the first few letters of a word I do not approve of are directed towards my mother, you gon’ have to a hitch a ride back with the galaxy. You know what word I’m not a fan of? Mystic. Never liked that word. I don’t like the Mystics of Washington or the drink. Presents quite the conundrum for you. You bet’ not call my momma “Mrs”. Better call her Queen or something. That first syllable is a killer.
3. Getting me put in jail
I’ve mentioned the scene in Crash numerous times where Terrence Howard watched the police feel up his wife. That scene hurt me. But for different reasons than anybody else. I feel like he lamed out in later scenes by not putting her out. Like, woman! You nearly got me pummelled AND put in jail by the LAPD. You got to go. You don’t love me. You probably don’t even love my doggystyle. So let’s pop a little champagne because we’re finna celebrate. What? My divoooooooooorce. Word booty.
4. Being a part of a national crime syndicate
Maybe you aren’t anymore. And that’s great. But I’ve seen True Lies and I watch a lot of movies. You can never get rid of that life. It’s part of you forever. And really, it’s not even that you did the crime and didn’t do the time. I’m happy for you. Viva la OJ. It’s more that you lied to me and probably never shared the money. You’ve been letting me think I make more money than you this whole time when the truth is you and four short and stocky Mexican Elmo impersonators spent the entire 90s bilking seniors out of their retirement by selling them pre-paid legal. And you never shared that part. I don’t really even know you. You’ve got to go.
5. If she tells me “she” was born a “he”
I don’t care how many operations you’ve been through, I’m not strong enough to handle that. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. It’s not you, it’s me. No really. That again, is deceit. It’s a wonderbra. It’s Watergate. It’s COINTELPRO. It’s the cookie jar. It’s just deception. It’s the omission of the century. I’m sure I’m an advocate of only telling pertinent information. That’s pertinent. It’s like f*cking that horse. Like you get there and you think wow, this is gonna be cool, she’s f*cking a horse. And then you realize, dude, she’s f*cking a horse. And he was really giving it to her. Not sure who I feel worse for, her or the horse. I lost my train of thought.
As Rebecca Black would say, it’s Friday Friday. What are your instantly breakupable offenses, no matter how long you’ve been together?
Talk to me.
-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka lower.case.p aka SHUGGIE J. aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3
- REMINDER: For anybody in the Princeton, NJ area, Panama Jackson will be a panelist at Princeton University’s Hip-Hop: Arts & Life Symposium on Saturday, March 26th, from 4-9pm on the campus of Prineton U. Other featured panelists include Dr. Cornel West, Dr. Imani Perry, Dr. Tricia Rose, John Gotty from The Smoking Section, and rapper poet Ise Lyfe, among others. Peep here for more details: www.princetonhhal.com
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