Game Of Thrones Recap: Season 7, Episode 1 “Dragonstone” » VSB

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Game Of Thrones Recap: Season 7, Episode 1 “Dragonstone”

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It’s been a year and three weeks since we last checked in with our favorite cast of casualties. And it seems George R.R. Martin and his homeboys, the showrunners, are bullshitting yet again. I expected an episode packed with misadventure, fighting and fuckery- especially with that cold open. Instead, we watched…exposition. A lot of exposition. It did, however, foreshadow some important shit. Let’s get into it shall we?

The stars of this week’s episode are as follows:

ARYA STARK: Ned Stark’s best and brightest daughter; the King of the North’s cousin; an angst ridden and vengeful teen with shape shifting capabilities.

Now I knew as soon as I saw Walder Frey had gathered all of his wretched kin in a banquet hall, that it was about to be some shit. And while George R.R. Martin loves resurrecting folks, it was unlikely he’d bother bringing back to life an old perverted ass dope who’d already served his narrative purpose. So I figured little Arya and the Many Faced God (MFG) were up to their old tricks. And my God did they have trick for the Freys.

The lesson? If you are going to attempt to do some shit as onerous as unjustifiably killing an entire family — you have to actually kill the entire family. Now no reasonable person left living will allow you to get that off, but in Westorsian society where most people are unreasonable and savagery and lawlessness is rampant, the Freys should have anticipated some over the top form of retribution. As a result, their folly has them writhing in their guts on the floor of the very hall where the massacred the unsuspecting Stark clan years before.

“When people ask you what happened here, tell them the North remembers. Tell them winter came for House Frey.”….BITCH.

Predictions: I guess Arya said fuck puberty. Instead of raging hormones this chick is driven by raging rage. She has no time for typical teenage exploits. She is about the business of righting every wrong committed against her and her family. And for that, I must give her a gold star. It is so easy at her age to be distracted by…shit anything. But her singular focus on avenging her loved ones is to be commended. And according to the previews it looks like my prediction last season might finally be coming to fruition and Arya will be getting some help checking folks off her kill list. Did you witness the snarling and fang-flashing by a certain ferocious, ginormous, fur-covered beast of the canine variety? I sure did! It looks like Arya’s kee kee with the Lannister soldiers in woods of the River Lands is about to be cut short by Nymeria and her goon squad! I cannot wait for this reunion. If she wants to see Cercei, her Frankenbot and the Kingsguard she’ll need all the help she can get.

JON SNOW STARK TARGARYEN: The King of the North; spawn of Rhagar Targaryen and Lyanna Stark; Danerys’s nephew and future husband; noble sourpuss

As Jon begins to speak about reinforcing the defenses of the castles on route to the Walkers’ journey southward, Stupid Sansa opens her mouth and reminds everyone why she spent the last five seasons in captivity — because she doesn’t know shit about shit. Despite not being called on to speak or having an legitimate perspective from which to speak, Sansa takes it upon herself to advise the room. She wants to give the castles to other families who fought along side them against Ramsay. Jon politely informs her that the families presently owning those castles have fought beside the Starks for hundreds of years. Why punish the families for the crimes of a few reckless sons? Rather than dropping the issue, Sansa decides to challenge Jon in front of the lords. Meanwhile, my Lord Balish is lurking in the background looking amused because this is precisely what he wants to happen. Jon tells the room he won’t take the ancestral home from a family. This is his decision to make and his decision is final. As he utters that last bit, he addresses Sansa directly. She lowers her empty head in humiliation after being checked. He then calls the Umber and Karstark families to the front of the room and asks them to pledge their loyalty again. They draw their swords and kneel and pledge loyalty now and always. The room cheers as everyone is feeling inspired and united. Way to go Jon.

After the assembly, Jon and Sansa are still pissy. Sansa feels as Jon’s sister, she is entitled to question him. And of course because she is Sansa, her rationale is devoid of substantiation. Jon explains to her that he has no issue with her questioning him, but she undermined him by doing so in front of his men. Sansa implores him to be smarter than Ned and Robb. She does make a point here, however, she is ill-equipped to advise him in this capacity. Jon knows it too, which is why he asks her how he should be smarter? By listening to her? Hell naw! Their little quarrel is interrupted by a message from Cersei Lannister. It is brief: come to King’s Landing and take a knee or die a traitor’s death. Jon has been so consumed with the imminent threat of annihilation at the hands of the White Walkers he forgot all about that lecherous hussy to the south. Poor Jon, as he ponders the scope of his seemingly bottomless trickbag, he likely senses Sansa is going to be more of a hindrance than a help.

Prediction: Jon has peeped and now has openly called out what the showrunners have been trying to thread into Sansa’s story arc. I guess she is supposed to become Cersei-lite at some point. I mean over the last three seasons we’ve seen the all black dress and darkened tresses while shacking up with Littlefinger, her emerging domineering persona, lying and scheming and newly developed blood thirst (it takes a different kind of chick to watch someone being eaten alive by hounds). When Jon tells her she sounds as though she admires Cersei, Sansa doesn’t disagree, she only says she learned a lot from her. And if she is her mentor, Jon is going to end up either killing Sansa’s ass or banishing her to languish in obscurity some place. This means Jon will also dispense with my fav, Lord Balish. Sad!  Gold star to Jon for calling it like it is and holding fast to his principles. I’ll admit, I wasn’t sure who was going to end up on the Iron Throne but after seeing Jon in action this week, I believe it will be him.

JAIME LANNISTER: Cersei’s twin brother and lover; the one-handed head of the King’s Guard; King Tommen’s father;

Crazy ass Cersei is in the midst of studying a mural of her “empire” when Jaime strolls in. Cersei notes Jaime has been quite since he returned and she questions whether he’s angry with her. Jaime says he isn’t. When she asks if he fears her, he responds with a question of his own…should he? Uh… the answer is unequivocally fuck yes. Cersei is a fucking maniac; the scope of her lunacy as broad as the oceans depicted on the mural on which they both stand, it knows no bounds. While I would not be in the same realm as that bitch, Jaime clearly prefers to keep his enemies close. Cersei looks at the map of the seven kingdoms and surmises they are surrounded by traitors. Jaime listens to her in disbelief. Every enemy she names is one of her own making but nonetheless, she is ready to wage war against all of them. Jaime reminds her that winter is here and they’d be hard pressed to feed their soldiers and horses. You see, the Tyrells have the grain and the livestock. Gold star for Jaime for breaking down the politics of war to this chick. Basically, no one wants to team up with a loser. In this scenario, Danerys looks like a winner. Cersei’s confused; after all she is the queen of the seven kingdoms. But Jaime, sets her straight, informing her she’s the queen of three kingdoms at best. He warns her that she doesn’t realize the amount of danger they’re in. Cersei isn’t concerned with danger though. Keep in mind she is a perpetually reckless wench with little concern for how situations play out after she creates them. So she explains to Jaime that she knows that people who lose die and the winners have a chance to launch a dynasty that could rule for a thousand years. A visibly frustrated and confused Jaime struggles to comprehend who the dynasty could be for, especially since Cersei had a hand in the death of all their children. So she underscores her shortsightedness by retorting that they’ll have a dynasty for themselves. Jaime presses Cersei concerning their lack of allies. They can’t win the war alone. Cersei claims to have learned a thing or two from Tywin…yes the same Tywin who grossly underestimated his son and died while taking a dump and an arrow to the chest. Let’s see what this bitch comes up with…

Next we see a large fleet of tacky ass ships with a non-descript crustacean decal on the sails heading toward King’s Landing. It’s everyone’s favorite crazy uncle, Euron Greyjoy! Cersei tells Jaime she found an ally better than the Freys. Jaime doesn’t follow Cersei’s logic — no surprise there. He knows the Iron Islanders are good for nothings who steal what they can’t make or grow. Plus, they can’t fight. Cersei tells her love struck brother that Euron came there for a queen. Jaime does not like this shit. So that’s the pretext for one of my favorite scenes in the entire fucking series, Jaime and Cersei entertaining Euron at court. The entire exchange is fucking hilarious.  Ever met someone so detestable you actually kind of like them? That’s Euron. Devoid of charm, grace, class, good looks or standing, Euron still has the balls to stroll into throne room and come for Jaime. And I fucking love it. We were treated to a pissing match for the ages.

Here are a few notable quotables for shits and giggles:

Euron: “I must say when you rushed through cutting people down…it was glorious, like a dance.” Jaime: “ the people I was cutting down were your kin.” Euron: “The place was getting crowded, I enjoyed watching it.” Jaime: “I enjoy killing Greyjoys.”

Euron: “…with the iron fleet you could own the seas…” Cersei: “what do you want in return?” Euron, “ever since I was a little boy, I wanted to grow up and marry the most beautiful woman in the world. So here I am with a thousand ships. And two good hands.”

Cersei: “I decline your proposal…you’re not trustworthy…you murdered your own brother.” Euron: “You should try it. It feels wonderful.”

LMFAO. I was heartbroken when Euron left the room.

Predictions: Jamie and Euron will eventually come to blows. One will certainly have to kill the other. Cersei can’t have them both, there isn’t enough room in her life for all three of their egos. My money is on Jaime, even though he has one good hand. Unless, Euron comes back with Tyrion, a dragon or some other high value prize, then Cersei might just kick Jaime to the curb.

HONORABLE MENTIONS

Meera Reed: Kudos to Meera for dragging Bran’s ass across the tundra to the wall. She deserves a little R&R. Sadly, she’ll soon be making another run for it. As soon as Bran crossed the wall, his tainted ass rendered the magic protecting it from the undead useless. The Night’s King will be only his way soon. And if Bran’s vision is any indication of what’s to come, they are fucked. They’ve added a few giants to their hit squad. Shit is looking pretty dismal for Westeros.

Lady Mormont: Kudos to Lady Mormont for once again checking the other lords and riding for Jon Snow Stark Targaryen. I hope that she is rewarded with some official advisory role in this new monarchy. I nominate her to be his hand.

The Hound: Who says you can’t teach an old dog new tricks? The Hound has been practically transformed. Just a few years prior he was roaming around the countryside with a hostage, robbing and beating those who took him in. Now he’s found the lord and a conscious. Kudos to the Hound for turning his life around.

Samwell Tarley: Poor Sam is moonlighting as an orderly in the Citadel infirmary, scrubbing the shit pans of the sick and the shut in. Yuck! But Sam is undaunted by his shitty circumstances. He is determined to find out how to defeat the White Walkers. Kudos to Sam for stealing a key to a library room accessible only to maesters, and finding the sugar in the shit!

 

Carcetti Littlefinger

Carcetti Littlefinger primarily resides in beautiful Southern California where she makes a living as a developer and producer of content for television. A few of the series she’s developed and/or produced have aired on Lifetime, WEtv and Bravo. Known for her extraordinary wit and general indifference toward the things that matter to most, she has been writing since she mastered the use of a giant pencil in kindergarten.

  • PourAShotinMeGlass

    While the show runners pissed (literally) on book readers last season with the Lady Stoneheart arc, they’ve circle back through Arya. I only wish Euron was a bit more evil. Perhaps he will be the Valanquor

  • Brooklyn_Bruin

    I’m only in it for the players, Ty Ty, Baelish, and Varys. Everybody else are pawns.

    The real question for me is whether Euron is a real player, or this season’s Ramsay?

    • PourAShotinMeGlass

      The latter but he needed to be book Euron

      • Diego Duarte

        Pretty much. Euron has been foreshadowed to be Daenerys’s greatest threat.

  • CozyVon

    Can I just say…WHY do I sooo want Tormund & Brienne to get together, lol? He gon’ wear her down eventually, LOL…
    http://blacknerdproblems.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/07/Thorin1.gif

    • Junegirl627

      I want her with Jaime so he can have sexxx :) with someone who isn’t his sister before somebody kills him

      • bigheadbaby

        LOLOL

      • AKA The Sauce

        LMAO!!!!

      • Penelope

        Word.

      • TV Jaime who is a child crippler AND a rapist? Nah, Brienne deserves better.

        • PourAShotinMeGlass

          Jaime’s arc changed but for some reason the show still has him hooked on Cersei .

          • Yup – this is another instance of Book Jaime being *way* better than TV Jaime. I guess the show runners need a “likable” mainstay character to play against Cersei? They’ve killed everyone else in King’s Landing off so *shrugs*

        • Darlenemburns


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    • Brooklyn_Bruin

      Wish I had a Brienne to give that Tormund look.

      • MsSula

        Just shoot your shot Brooklyn! It’s summer, women are wearing summer dresses and going to brunch. Tag along. :)

        • Brooklyn_Bruin

          I get them Brienne reactions though

          https://m.imgur.com/gallery/pg1LvMZ

          • MsSula

            How is that even possible? Your wit alone should have panties moist and dropping. :-)

      • PourAShotinMeGlass
        • CozyVon

          My favorite “Brimund” gif–he hit her w/ that classic “hey gurrl” look! ROTFL

        • Notorious FWC

          We know she’s been tied to the whole knight ethos and that means she’s a virgin and boys aren’t on the menu. But if Tormund can find the right time… Bow chika wow wow.

    • MsSula

      I believe in Wildling love. Like the way he looks at Brienne makes my heart swoon.

      But he is going to die soon. Le Sigh.

    • Cleojonz

      Ahh so you re-emerge for a GOT recap post lol. I so want this to be a thing too. Brienne needs to stop mooning over Jamie.

      • PourAShotinMeGlass

        On a subconscious level Brienne wishes to be seen as a lady. Unfortunately in Westeros there is no place for ladies.

    • Penelope

      His “tryna be sassy” approach was EVERYTHING.

    • KeciB

      I need Brimund to happen.

      • CozyVon

        “Brimund”–YESSS!!!!

      • MsSula

        Yes to Brimund. Make it a thing!!!

        • It gives me hope that even tomboys get a shot at great love *and* lust at the same darn time :)

    • I don’t want him to wear her down, I want him to properly court her, treat her like a person he admires and respects. I want their attraction to be mutual!

    • Yahmo Bethere

      I laughed myself silly at this scene. The womanist in me is like “leave her alone!” But I still laugh at him every time.

      I rewatched season 6 last week. Note how he is hit by a bolt the first time he sees her riding into Winterfell.

  • PDL….HE still working on me

    This recap/prediction was good! I’m sending to a couple of folks. I got a couple of laughs in. I don’t think you missed anything. Well done!

  • Diego Duarte

    At this point I feel the only character is safe to be invested in is Arya Stark. Jon seems helIbent on repeating the same mistakes as Ned and Robb (why he was ever popular besides winning some battles I’ll never understand), and Sansa seems to be learning some after tripping ALL OVER in a brightly lit room.

    Now Arya is leagues ahead of both of them. Her clearest advantage is that she has absolutely nothing to defend, people give her up for dead and she has the element of surprise on her side. Winning a war isn’t always about full frontal assaults.

    • PourAShotinMeGlass
      • MsSula

        Everybody will die. I can feel it. Grrrrrrr.

        Edit: Except for crazy Bran!

        • PourAShotinMeGlass

          Except Sansa

        • Brooklyn_Bruin

          It worked for Rogue One!

        • Diego Duarte

          Except Little Finger. He has no honor, but also no debts (Lannister were broke as fuck), no [living] enemies and no fucks to give.

          • PourAShotinMeGlass

            He’s dead this season. He’s on my death list. Others are Dolorous Edd? and Tormound???

          • MsSula

            He is an actual prime candidate for the Iron Throne… but like Ser Davos said in the trailer, it will be corpses and bones sitting on that throne in a few. They just need to keep at it.

            • Diego Duarte

              I think Little Finger is smarter than that. He would rather be a shadow king than the actual king. Which is the smartest move considering how many kings have gotten killed in the Game of Thrones.

              • Brooklyn_Bruin

                Currently the Frank Underwood strategy

              • PourAShotinMeGlass

                Little Finger is over confident. He’s marked

                • Littlefinger not knowing that Ramsey shows that he’s not all knowing – shows that he can’t deal with the just “want to watch the world burn” types.

                  • PourAShotinMeGlass

                    Little finger makes mistakes but he is a quick thinker and that is where he has the advantage most of the other characters. Case in point running the crown in debt.

                    • Absolutely – being a quick thinker kept him, Tyrion, and Varys alive. You have to be around dudes like Tywin “Rains of Castamere” Lannister two doors down. I also think that having Lysa Arryn in his back pocket made him feel safer. But he overplayed his hand with the Lannisters which put Catelyn’s life in danger. He let his hatred of the Stark brothers (Brandon & Ned) fester for decades into his hare-brained scheme about the truth of the
                      Valyrian steel dagger that was used in the failed assassination attempt
                      on Bran’s life. All of Littlefinger’s actions were done with one goal in mind – to show that he was good enough to marry Catelyn.

                    • PourAShotinMeGlass

                      Exactly and piss on Edmure too. He was Frey lite in some ways

                    • Man Edmure sucked so much! Blackfish for life!

                    • PourAShotinMeGlass

                      Lol. Edmure tried to hard. I didn’t like how they gave the Blackfish and punk ending.

                    • Don’t remind me! I’m so glad he’s still alive and on the run in the books.

    • Brooklyn_Bruin

      Can’t call it. Some of these fan favorites are gonna end up dead.

      Ser Robert might end up on the throne

      • MsSula

        Which Robert?

        • Brooklyn_Bruin

          Her current body guard. Robert Strong

          • MsSula

            The Mountain?

      • PourAShotinMeGlass

        You mean Gendry. His arms surely gotta be yuge

        • MsSula

          He will be able to fight dragons and wights with these strong arms.

    • AKA The Sauce

      Jon wants to be Ned so bad…Arya is the hero we all need

      • Diego Duarte

        He’s gonna be Ned at this rate. And his head will be mounted on a pyke to prove it.

        • AKA The Sauce

          That’s a shame because I had such high hopes for him. I don’t want him to die…at least not until…actually I don’t care if he dies at this point. He has disappointed me too many times.

          • PourAShotinMeGlass

            He’s dead already

            • Diego Duarte

              We mean actually dead as in beheaded and out of the picture. Not “Former-president-of-the-being-alive-club” kind of dead/wight.

        • Cleojonz

          The red witch can’t be wrong twice though can she?

      • I don’t see that at all. Jon loves his “father” but he’s a lot more pragmatic and flexible than Ned ever was.

        • Yup, Ned would have never made it undercover with the Wildlings to start with.

  • My girl Arya!! That other little girl has my heart too. Telling those old wrinkly men what it is lol I hope Little Finger dies slow. Cersei can kick rocks, her s e x twin can kick rocks too. I hope Sansa doesn’t turn into Cersei.

    • MsSula

      Lady Mormont of Bear Island is #LittleGirlGoals!

      • How did she come to be in that position? Why is she so wise? Why hasn’t anyone killed her yet?

        • Epsilonicus

          All the men in her family died and basically left her to rule.

          • Didn’t know that people were so progressive during that time period. Good for her! I won’t get too attached because I know she’ll get pushed off a bridge in two episodes

            • Epsilonicus

              They not really progresive. She just too gangster for folks to try her.

            • Notorious FWC

              It all depended on the house. Bear Island was small and kept getting raided by the Iron Islands so everybody had to learn how to fight. The Wildlings don’t discriminate either..

        • MsSula

          She has lost her parents and brothers in the war led by Robb. So she inherited the castle. The Mormonts are one of the oldest Northern families with potential First Men blood. I guess that blood runs vivid in her little veins! Loll.

        • The Mormonts have often been ruled by women. Many of the Mormonts died at the Red Wedding.

      • Carcetti ‘s Littlefinger

        Lady Mormont is my fav!!! Knows her role, plays her position, principled, honest and ride or die!!!!

    • PourAShotinMeGlass

      Lyanna Mormont, the little Bear. Her RBF is epic!

  • Cleojonz

    Can somebody tell me though, where is Robert Baratheon’s b*stard son?
    The one Sir Davos helped escape. Is he just irrelevant at this point?
    Still off rowing his boat?

    • MsSula

      Gendry is somewhere rowing his boat. I think he is going to make a comeback. I can see him joining forces with either Arya or Samwell.

      • I assumed that he made it to back to King’s Landing and has been in hiding ever since.

  • Seymore Cases

    Arya – she’d be really helpful as a CIA-ish leader of assassin’s that protect the Stark’s. Easily the most dangerous person in the show because hardly anyone knows she’s even alive. Like the Brother Mouzone of GOT without the reputation.

    Jon – smarter than Ned and probably the most “aware” person in terms of knowing what’s going on. Sam is going to send Jon the knowledge about Dragonglass, but I don’t think anyone in the North knows how to craft Dragonglass weapons. Him and his aunt might team up if Jon figures out that he has to go where Dany is with the dragonstone.

    Daenerys – sitting on a bunch of Dragonglass but I’m not sure anyone in her group knows what it can be used for. She’s ready to fight Cersei and crew, but doesn’t seem aware of all that mess coming from up Nawf.

    Cersei – intelligent but sheltered. She’s not a warrior so her capriciousness actually makes sense. If she had to go out and fight like Jaime, her perspective would be more tempered.

    Tyrion – if only he knew that Dany was his sister and Jon was his nephew……fire and ice!

    Sansa – same issue that Cersei has. They are armchair quarterbacks. Lots of advice but they don’t always understand how this can be applied practically in the field. Sansa is going to end up tricking Littlefinger, only he doesn’t know it yet. She sees Mayor Carcetti coming from a mile away.

    Littlefinger – smart enough to be king, but he’s not a natural leader. Dany/Jon/Tyrion/Sansa etc., would never trust him enough to let him run things behind the scenes without a counterbalance. Even if he became king, he’d be killed quickly because he’s not of ‘noble’ birth. Commoner doesn’t have the juice or loyalty from other families to hold the throne.

    • PourAShotinMeGlass

      Cersei is more ambitious and resentful than intelligent. She was the one who let lose the sparrows and see where that got her. She caused the deaths of her children and helped to pus forward a lot of tragedies.

    • arikahouseStark

      What do you mean about Trion?

      • Notorious FWC

        There’s a theory that Tywin may not have been his dad.

  • Sansa hasn’t seen this side of Jon. If she had perhaps she wouldn’t be so quick to question if he’s tough enough to deal with treachery.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KkU1VW5ODE4

  • SunnyRee

    I haven’t read the article yet but I’m so excited these reviews are back!!! *scrolls back up*

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