(Photo by HBO)
It’s been a year and three weeks since we last checked in with our favorite cast of casualties. And it seems George R.R. Martin and his homeboys, the showrunners, are bullshitting yet again. I expected an episode packed with misadventure, fighting and fuckery- especially with that cold open. Instead, we watched…exposition. A lot of exposition. It did, however, foreshadow some important shit. Let’s get into it shall we?
The stars of this week’s episode are as follows:
ARYA STARK: Ned Stark’s best and brightest daughter; the King of the North’s cousin; an angst ridden and vengeful teen with shape shifting capabilities.
Now I knew as soon as I saw Walder Frey had gathered all of his wretched kin in a banquet hall, that it was about to be some shit. And while George R.R. Martin loves resurrecting folks, it was unlikely he’d bother bringing back to life an old perverted ass dope who’d already served his narrative purpose. So I figured little Arya and the Many Faced God (MFG) were up to their old tricks. And my God did they have trick for the Freys.
The lesson? If you are going to attempt to do some shit as onerous as unjustifiably killing an entire family — you have to actually kill the entire family. Now no reasonable person left living will allow you to get that off, but in Westorsian society where most people are unreasonable and savagery and lawlessness is rampant, the Freys should have anticipated some over the top form of retribution. As a result, their folly has them writhing in their guts on the floor of the very hall where the massacred the unsuspecting Stark clan years before.
“When people ask you what happened here, tell them the North remembers. Tell them winter came for House Frey.”….BITCH.
Predictions: I guess Arya said fuck puberty. Instead of raging hormones this chick is driven by raging rage. She has no time for typical teenage exploits. She is about the business of righting every wrong committed against her and her family. And for that, I must give her a gold star. It is so easy at her age to be distracted by…shit anything. But her singular focus on avenging her loved ones is to be commended. And according to the previews it looks like my prediction last season might finally be coming to fruition and Arya will be getting some help checking folks off her kill list. Did you witness the snarling and fang-flashing by a certain ferocious, ginormous, fur-covered beast of the canine variety? I sure did! It looks like Arya’s kee kee with the Lannister soldiers in woods of the River Lands is about to be cut short by Nymeria and her goon squad! I cannot wait for this reunion. If she wants to see Cercei, her Frankenbot and the Kingsguard she’ll need all the help she can get.
JON SNOW STARK TARGARYEN: The King of the North; spawn of Rhagar Targaryen and Lyanna Stark; Danerys’s nephew and future husband; noble sourpuss
As Jon begins to speak about reinforcing the defenses of the castles on route to the Walkers’ journey southward, Stupid Sansa opens her mouth and reminds everyone why she spent the last five seasons in captivity — because she doesn’t know shit about shit. Despite not being called on to speak or having an legitimate perspective from which to speak, Sansa takes it upon herself to advise the room. She wants to give the castles to other families who fought along side them against Ramsay. Jon politely informs her that the families presently owning those castles have fought beside the Starks for hundreds of years. Why punish the families for the crimes of a few reckless sons? Rather than dropping the issue, Sansa decides to challenge Jon in front of the lords. Meanwhile, my Lord Balish is lurking in the background looking amused because this is precisely what he wants to happen. Jon tells the room he won’t take the ancestral home from a family. This is his decision to make and his decision is final. As he utters that last bit, he addresses Sansa directly. She lowers her empty head in humiliation after being checked. He then calls the Umber and Karstark families to the front of the room and asks them to pledge their loyalty again. They draw their swords and kneel and pledge loyalty now and always. The room cheers as everyone is feeling inspired and united. Way to go Jon.
After the assembly, Jon and Sansa are still pissy. Sansa feels as Jon’s sister, she is entitled to question him. And of course because she is Sansa, her rationale is devoid of substantiation. Jon explains to her that he has no issue with her questioning him, but she undermined him by doing so in front of his men. Sansa implores him to be smarter than Ned and Robb. She does make a point here, however, she is ill-equipped to advise him in this capacity. Jon knows it too, which is why he asks her how he should be smarter? By listening to her? Hell naw! Their little quarrel is interrupted by a message from Cersei Lannister. It is brief: come to King’s Landing and take a knee or die a traitor’s death. Jon has been so consumed with the imminent threat of annihilation at the hands of the White Walkers he forgot all about that lecherous hussy to the south. Poor Jon, as he ponders the scope of his seemingly bottomless trickbag, he likely senses Sansa is going to be more of a hindrance than a help.
Prediction: Jon has peeped and now has openly called out what the showrunners have been trying to thread into Sansa’s story arc. I guess she is supposed to become Cersei-lite at some point. I mean over the last three seasons we’ve seen the all black dress and darkened tresses while shacking up with Littlefinger, her emerging domineering persona, lying and scheming and newly developed blood thirst (it takes a different kind of chick to watch someone being eaten alive by hounds). When Jon tells her she sounds as though she admires Cersei, Sansa doesn’t disagree, she only says she learned a lot from her. And if she is her mentor, Jon is going to end up either killing Sansa’s ass or banishing her to languish in obscurity some place. This means Jon will also dispense with my fav, Lord Balish. Sad! Gold star to Jon for calling it like it is and holding fast to his principles. I’ll admit, I wasn’t sure who was going to end up on the Iron Throne but after seeing Jon in action this week, I believe it will be him.
JAIME LANNISTER: Cersei’s twin brother and lover; the one-handed head of the King’s Guard; King Tommen’s father;
Crazy ass Cersei is in the midst of studying a mural of her “empire” when Jaime strolls in. Cersei notes Jaime has been quite since he returned and she questions whether he’s angry with her. Jaime says he isn’t. When she asks if he fears her, he responds with a question of his own…should he? Uh… the answer is unequivocally fuck yes. Cersei is a fucking maniac; the scope of her lunacy as broad as the oceans depicted on the mural on which they both stand, it knows no bounds. While I would not be in the same realm as that bitch, Jaime clearly prefers to keep his enemies close. Cersei looks at the map of the seven kingdoms and surmises they are surrounded by traitors. Jaime listens to her in disbelief. Every enemy she names is one of her own making but nonetheless, she is ready to wage war against all of them. Jaime reminds her that winter is here and they’d be hard pressed to feed their soldiers and horses. You see, the Tyrells have the grain and the livestock. Gold star for Jaime for breaking down the politics of war to this chick. Basically, no one wants to team up with a loser. In this scenario, Danerys looks like a winner. Cersei’s confused; after all she is the queen of the seven kingdoms. But Jaime, sets her straight, informing her she’s the queen of three kingdoms at best. He warns her that she doesn’t realize the amount of danger they’re in. Cersei isn’t concerned with danger though. Keep in mind she is a perpetually reckless wench with little concern for how situations play out after she creates them. So she explains to Jaime that she knows that people who lose die and the winners have a chance to launch a dynasty that could rule for a thousand years. A visibly frustrated and confused Jaime struggles to comprehend who the dynasty could be for, especially since Cersei had a hand in the death of all their children. So she underscores her shortsightedness by retorting that they’ll have a dynasty for themselves. Jaime presses Cersei concerning their lack of allies. They can’t win the war alone. Cersei claims to have learned a thing or two from Tywin…yes the same Tywin who grossly underestimated his son and died while taking a dump and an arrow to the chest. Let’s see what this bitch comes up with…
Next we see a large fleet of tacky ass ships with a non-descript crustacean decal on the sails heading toward King’s Landing. It’s everyone’s favorite crazy uncle, Euron Greyjoy! Cersei tells Jaime she found an ally better than the Freys. Jaime doesn’t follow Cersei’s logic — no surprise there. He knows the Iron Islanders are good for nothings who steal what they can’t make or grow. Plus, they can’t fight. Cersei tells her love struck brother that Euron came there for a queen. Jaime does not like this shit. So that’s the pretext for one of my favorite scenes in the entire fucking series, Jaime and Cersei entertaining Euron at court. The entire exchange is fucking hilarious. Ever met someone so detestable you actually kind of like them? That’s Euron. Devoid of charm, grace, class, good looks or standing, Euron still has the balls to stroll into throne room and come for Jaime. And I fucking love it. We were treated to a pissing match for the ages.
Here are a few notable quotables for shits and giggles:
Euron: “I must say when you rushed through cutting people down…it was glorious, like a dance.” Jaime: “ the people I was cutting down were your kin.” Euron: “The place was getting crowded, I enjoyed watching it.” Jaime: “I enjoy killing Greyjoys.”
Euron: “…with the iron fleet you could own the seas…” Cersei: “what do you want in return?” Euron, “ever since I was a little boy, I wanted to grow up and marry the most beautiful woman in the world. So here I am with a thousand ships. And two good hands.”
Cersei: “I decline your proposal…you’re not trustworthy…you murdered your own brother.” Euron: “You should try it. It feels wonderful.”
LMFAO. I was heartbroken when Euron left the room.
Predictions: Jamie and Euron will eventually come to blows. One will certainly have to kill the other. Cersei can’t have them both, there isn’t enough room in her life for all three of their egos. My money is on Jaime, even though he has one good hand. Unless, Euron comes back with Tyrion, a dragon or some other high value prize, then Cersei might just kick Jaime to the curb.
Meera Reed: Kudos to Meera for dragging Bran’s ass across the tundra to the wall. She deserves a little R&R. Sadly, she’ll soon be making another run for it. As soon as Bran crossed the wall, his tainted ass rendered the magic protecting it from the undead useless. The Night’s King will be only his way soon. And if Bran’s vision is any indication of what’s to come, they are fucked. They’ve added a few giants to their hit squad. Shit is looking pretty dismal for Westeros.
Lady Mormont: Kudos to Lady Mormont for once again checking the other lords and riding for Jon Snow Stark Targaryen. I hope that she is rewarded with some official advisory role in this new monarchy. I nominate her to be his hand.
The Hound: Who says you can’t teach an old dog new tricks? The Hound has been practically transformed. Just a few years prior he was roaming around the countryside with a hostage, robbing and beating those who took him in. Now he’s found the lord and a conscious. Kudos to the Hound for turning his life around.
Samwell Tarley: Poor Sam is moonlighting as an orderly in the Citadel infirmary, scrubbing the shit pans of the sick and the shut in. Yuck! But Sam is undaunted by his shitty circumstances. He is determined to find out how to defeat the White Walkers. Kudos to Sam for stealing a key to a library room accessible only to maesters, and finding the sugar in the shit!