My God. We are finally nearing the end of season six. With only two episodes left, the showrunners appear to be close to resolving a few storylines while setting up some cliffhangers to take us into next season. This week, in a shocking turn of events, a Stark finally manages to overcome a serious setback…of course she gets the woman aiding her killed in the process…but still. Arya appears to finally be done fucking around in Braavos with the Many Faced God. Cersei is dealt a critical blow in her fight to depose the High Septon. Jaime reunites with an old friend and his standoff with the Blackfish comes to a head. The Hound gets revenge. And Team Meereen is betrayed by the masters. Let’s get into it shall we?
The stars of this week’s episode, in no particular order, are as follows:
ARYA STARK– Bran Stark’s sister, illest Stark to ever wield a sword, teenaged assassin, Many Faced God convert…until this week.
Bravo!!! Standing ovation for all the performers in the series-within-a-series titled “No One is Really Anyone.” The series’ star, Arya Stark, had the unique challenge of portraying a character called No One- an eponym she shared with an entire sect of niggas. As nobodies, their efficacy was measured by their ability to be anyone at any time. Yes this shit is confusing. I can’t begin to imagine how Arya prepared for a role as complex as this. And yet, week after week, she turned in masterful performances as a beggar, punching bag, assassin, acting coach, hero, patient, noblewoman and bad ass bitch. Her supporting cast was equally impressive, each actor expertly transitioning from role to role while effectively remaining the same person
We begin this latest installment of the series with Lady Crane delivering a rousing performance as Cersei Lannister in the Braavos stage production of The Bloody Hand. No doubt due to the valuable instruction she received a couple of weeks ago from Arya, she’s met with thunderous applause as she leaves the stage for her dressing room. Just as she is about to take a sip from the same decanter whose poisonous contents nearly killed her ass the week before last, she is distracted by a rustling sound behind some curtains. She investigates and discovers a gravely wounded Arya bleeding profusely on the floor. And after taking a dip in that murky ass canal, I wouldn’t be shocked if she also caught hold of some flesh eating bacteria…My God. Her situation is critical. But Lady Crane effortlessly steps into her next role as a medic. She takes Arya to her home and tends to her injuries. Her bed side manner far exceeds the requirements of standard patient care. She convincingly takes on the friend role, bonding with an ailing Arya by revealing some interesting tid bits about her past. Back in the day, Lady Crane honed her first aid administration technique with the regular practice of stabbing niggas and stitching them back together. Arya is comforted by this revelation, she and Lady Crane have a lot in common. Then Lady Crane gives her a warm glass of milk of the poppy to drink and puts her to bed.
Then the following morning, the Waif, taking the form of a seemingly nice, young man, suddenly appears and kills Lady Crane! Shit. Arya hears the ruckus and exits her room to find the waif, now transformed back into a murderous bitch, brandishing a dagger. The Waif explains that Lady Crane had to die, but if Arya the assassin had effectively played her role, at least she wouldn’t have had to suffer. Arya the stunt woman then jumps out of the window. Apparently when consumed, the milk extracted from the poppy-cocoa hybrid plant the niggas in Essos have engineered, only causes drowsiness as a short term side effect. But, its long term side effects are like some shit straight out of the Marvel Universe. With boundless energy, speed, agility, congenital insensitivity to pain and prolonged stamina, this chick begins an epic foot chase through the city of Braavos. It ends at Arya’s cave with the Waif pursuing her inside. She mistakenly believes she has Arya the punching bag cornered. And despite the Waif’s taunting, Arya, the bad ass bitch, picks up her sword, Needle, and literally cuts off the lights. Cut to black.
Cut to the interior of the House of Black and White with Jaquen H’Ghar following a trail of blood down to that creepy lair. The trail ends at a wall adorned with the faces of faceless niggas throughout the land. Jaquen glances up to discover the addition of the Waif’s bloodied mug to his collection. He turns to find Arya pointing her sword at him. She’s miffed that he ordered the Waif to kill her. Jaquen confirms his involvement in her attempted murder but shrugs off her indignation. The Many Faced God wanted a face and he got one…so no harm, no foul. Jaquen instead congratulates her on finally becoming No One. She quickly corrects him, declaring her name is Arya Stark of Winterfell and she intends to go home. Finally this nigga puts some respeck on her real name and lets her ass go in peace. The End.
PREDICTIONS: So much for Arya reuniting with her Uncle the Blackfish. That nigga didn’t appear to really be fucking with the Stark kids anyway so she’s probably better for it. Nonetheless, I really do hope she heads to the Riverlands. The last time Arya saw her direwolf Nymeria it was in this region. Now according to some book experts, Nymeria has been doing some really industrious shit during her time away from Arya. She’s been running around the Riverlands amassing an impressive following. She is the Alpha bitch of a super pack of wolves. And when I say super pack, I mean an ordinary pack has like 10-15 wolves but her pack would be two to three times that size. With her newfound ability to kill a man without actually seeing him, can you imagine how formidable Arya would be with Nymeria and her minions at her disposal??!!! And if you think about it, Arya flourishes when paling around with niggas of the canine variety. Remember, the Hound took excellent care of her while also showing her how to survive in the cold ass world in which they live. Arya will reunite with Nymeria. Together they will resume checking off the names on Arya’s kill list, preferring to attack their enemies in the dead of night, where they’ll both have a distinct advantage. I can’t fucking wait!
CERSEI LANNISTER– King Tommen Baratheon’s estranged mother, the most reviled woman in King’s Landing, royal cuntsatchel, evil ho.
We open with Cerseri languishing in irrelevance and obscurity in her suite at the Red Keep. She is interrupted by Qyburn who has come to announce that a few of the High Septon’s holy hoodlums have arrived to pay her a visit. Cersei feigns irritation at the prospect of these niggas coming to her home uninvited. Cersei needs to stop it. She knows good and damn well she’d been waiting all morning for somebody marginally important to pay her some attention. Now that she has it, she wants to make an issue of how she got it…typical. But Cersei does seem legitimately troubled by the news it was King Tommen who actually granted them permission to enter the Keep. So with Qyburn and her Frankenknight in tow, she leaves her suite to see what they want.
Lancel, her cousin, former fuck buddy and spokesman for the faith militant, tells her that the Septon would like to have a word with her at the Great Sept. Cersei declines. Lancel warns her that it was not a request. But Cersei, having been embarrassed for the last few weeks by her Uncle Kevan and Olenna Tyrell, respectively, feels the need to stunt on somebody. It’s Lancel’s lucky day. She tells Lancel that it is a request because he is asking her to do some shit that she refuses to do. If the Septon wants to talk, he can come see her. Furthermore, she claims the Septon told her she could stay in the Red Keep until her trial. Lancel calls bullshit and demands that Cersei obey the Septon’s commands. Cersei tells Lancel and his friends to get the fuck out. Then, her Frankenknight assumes a protective stance in front of Cersei and Qyburn. Now Lancel says some really provocative shit: “order your man to step aside or there will be violence”. And while I find this bitch to be deplorable on all fronts, I did rather enjoy the way she coolly uttered the words “I choose violence.”
One of the faith militant niggas attempts to bury an ax into the chest of Frankenknight. Frankenknight grabs him by the throat, lifts him off the ground and strangles him mid-air. Then when he drops him to the ground, he rips his head smooth off. My God. I don’t believe I’ve ever witnessed such savagery….oh wait that’s right- there was the time he chopped his horse in half after he lost a joust to Ser Loras Tyrell back in season one. Oh and then there was the time in season four when he crushed Prince Oberyn Martell’s skull with his bare hands…never mind, I digress. The faith militant do not want it with this nigga so they wisely stand down.
Later, Cersei and company head over to the throne room, uninvited, to hear a royal announcement. When Cersei mentions that she failed to receive advance notice that a royal announcement was being made, good ol’ Uncle Kevan carries her…again. Then when she makes an attempt to stand beside her son as he sits on the throne, she is instructed to take her place in the gallery among the other ladies of the court. Damn Cersei. With her self-respect in taters on the floor beneath her uncle’s feet, she slinks off to the balcony. Then the High Septon delivers another staggering blow. King Tommen announces that the crown and the faith seven have decided to outlaw trials by combat throughout the seven kingdoms. Therefore, Cersei and Loras will stand trial and be judged by seven septons. This nigga then exits the room without even meeting his mother’s gaze. The smug expression normally etched on Cersei’s face has been replaced by one of anguish and resignation. It would seem the trick bag she’s created for herself is inescapable…Or is it? Qyburn has some words of comfort. He reveals that his little birds have confirmed that the rumor she had him investigate is much more than a rumor. Hmmm…
PREDICTIONS: Cersei’s sense of entitlement, insecurity, wantonness, immorality, stupidity and recklessness have created her trick bag. You can count on this silly ho to do some irrational shit to escape it. And if the rumors about the rumors are true, King’s Landing needs to evacuate pronto. Word on the street is that Cersei had Qyburn check into a rumor that there are large wildfire stockpiles all over King’s Landing. They were left over from when Daenerys’s daddy had his epic meltdown years ago. That nigga planned to burn the entirety of the King’s Landing with wildfire if Robert Baratheon and Co breached his defenses and attempted to take the Iron Throne. Jaime Lannister found out and stabbed the King in the back and so on and so forth. Now it seems Cersei might re-hatch this catastrophic plan in a misguided attempt to teach everyone a lesson. My God. If I could warg into the mind of George R.R. Martin and access the labyrinth that is this nigga’s imagination, I would find my way to the A Song of Ice and Fire section and track down Cersei Lannister. We would travel north to see the Three-Eyed Raven. He’d know about her foolhardy scheme and he would do whatever is necessary to compel her to abandon it.
JAIME LANNISTER– former commander of the King’s Guard, current commander of a small regiment within the Lannister forces, Cersei’s one-handed twin and lover
After being outshone by his Gold Hand last week, Jaime takes center stage as he works to put a plan in place to take back Riverrun. Brienne of Tarth and her squire Podrick, finally arrive on the scene. She immediately requests an audience with Jaime. Brienne gets her wish and soon she and Sir Jaime are in his tent getting reacquainted. The atmosphere is tense with emotion, these two share a fondness and regard for one another that goes far beyond fleshly sensations. But, two of the most irritating hos in the realm stand in the way of their happiness: Sansa Stark and Cersei Lannister.
For her part, Brienne fucked up and gave Sansa her word that she would serve and protect her. Jaime was doomed from the outset simply by sharing a womb with Cersei’s ass. Brienne and Jaime come to this realization when they have a brief quarrel in his tent over their respective alliances. Now, the time for small talk is over, Jaime wants to know why Brienne is there. She’s there at Sansa’s behest to recruit the Blackfish and the Tully army to fight alongside them in the battle to take back Winterfell from the Boltons. Brienne leverages Jaime’s affection for her by proposing that he allow the Blackfish and his army to go north unharmed. She, in turn, will persuade them to surrender Riverrun without bloodshed. Jaime believes Brienne’s efforts will be in vain but he gives his word with the caveat that she has until nightfall to get this nigga to leave. As a bonus he tells her she can keep his sword, it will always be hers.
Night comes and the Blackfish is still holed up in the castle. Jaime decides to take matters into his own hands by paying a visit to long suffering POW, Edmere Tully. Edmere does his very best to guilt trip Jaime into regretting all the reprehensible shit he’s done over the years to his family. But Jaime doesn’t give anything even adjacent to a fuck and tells him as much. The only thing he cares about is his twin lover. *sigh* Poor Jaime. Despite its languid form and cavernous interior, Cersei’s enchanted twat has managed to keep a firm grip on Jaime’s soul for decades. In all its vastness, Cersei’s twat is just too big of a handicap for Jaime when faced with the prospect of doing something honorable. Morality is outmatched. So I am not surprised in the least when Jaime threatens to catapult Edmere’s son into the castle and kill every Tully remaining in order to accelerate his time table for returning back to his sister in King’s Landing.
I guess this nigga got the message because later we see Edmere approach the castle. As the true Lord of Riverrun, he demands he be allowed to enter. Once he gains entry, he tells the men to lay down their arms, surrender the castle and turn the Blackfish over to the Frays. Jaime rides into the castle looking smug and satisfied with his accomplishment. A soldier later reports that they’ve found the Blackfish. Jaime wants to see him. But the soldier tells Jaime the Blackfish died fighting. Jaime quietly respects that shit. Then in the distance, Jaime spies his true love rowing to safety down the river. He gazes at her, when she turns back to look at him and he raises his Gold Hand and waves. She returns the wave, then continues to look ahead. Jaime stares after her wishing George R.R. Martin were more like Walt Disney. Then with a kiss, he could break the magical spell Cersei’s twat has cast on his soul and maybe these niggas would have a chance to be together. But in George’s story, he knows if they ever see one another again, one of them will die at the hands of the other.
PREDICTIONS: Jaime’s bond with his evil twin is a by-product of the time they spent splashing around in amniotic fluid tainted by Cersei’s presence during the embryonic stage of development. As they comforted one another, spooning in the dark, wet and misshapen dungeon that was their mother’s uterus, the two formed an everlasting alliance which, upon finally entering the realm, was later fortified by incest. Now Jaime is in a trick bag so vast, it rivals Cersei’s vagina. Every despicable deed he’s ever performed has been in the name of love: whether it’s pushing Bran Stark from a window ledge; launching an ill-advised attack on the Sand Slops; challenging the high septon; threatening an already broken man with the possibility of killing what little family he has left…the list goes on. When he hears that Cersei has to stand trial and her conviction is all but guaranteed- what will he do? To what lengths will he go to ensure that their incestuous love affair endures? I fear the hold Cersei has on this nigga will compel him to do some stupid shit. And in turn, with the promise of even more land, a bigger home and a badder bitch, Jaime will compel Bron to do the heavy lifting. Poor Bron will perish as a result.
THE HOUND– stray dog in search of a loving home and greater purpose.
After losing his entire family to a band of murderous drifters last week, the Hound is left wandering the forest in search of vengeance. He comes across a group of men, gathered around a camp fire discussing the birds and the bees. The hound menacingly approaches with his ax raised and the men are terrified. And rightfully so, the fury the hound unleashes on these niggas is relentless and ferocious. My God. He appeared to disembowel somebody- I had avert my eyes, the whole things was just too barbarous. I will give the Clegane brothers this, they have a gift when it comes to killing niggas. They are so inventive, they consistently come up with new ways to slay their opposition. Anyway, he continues his search of the forest. He finally finds the perpetrators. They’ve been strung up by Beric Dondarrion, Thoros of Myr and the Brotherhood Without Banners! Beric says the men must hang for going around sullying the reputation of the Brotherhood. They attacked a septon and his new settlement, slaughtering everyone. The Hound reveals that settlement was his new home. As such, the men are his to kill. Beric and Thoros compromise and allow the Hound to kill two of the men. The Hound eagerly raises his ax but is stopped mid swing by Thoros who tells him he has to hang the men in order to kill them. Surprisingly, without much argument the Hound relents and kicks the stoops out from under the men. With the weight of their flailing bodies constricting their air supply, they croak. The nigga in the yellow cloak wasn’t dead twenty seconds before the Hound decided to steal his boots. Now that he’s scored a new pair of kicks, he’ll also need some ale and a hearty meal. The Brotherhood Without Banners are happy to oblige the homeless mutt. In fact, his feral ass could be of great use to them when they head north to fight the “winter winds”. They offer the Hound a new home with their family. At first the Hound refuses. He doesn’t believe he’ll be of much use to them. But Beric assures him that the Lord of Light allowed the Hound to kill him that one time so he could serve a greater purpose. He is a skilled fighter. He should put his combat skills to use in protecting the realm. Once again they petition the hound to join their brotherhood. This time the Hound doesn’t say no.
PREDICTIONS: The Hound will join the BWB and I couldn’t be more thrilled. What else does he have to lose besides his life? Let’s face it, this nigga has been living on borrowed time for a while now, he’s going to die sooner rather than later. At least this way, when he dies it will be for a meaningful cause. The world of men will need all the help it can get. All living creatures- men and animals will need to band together to fight the undead and the Hound is among the most vicious creatures in the seven kingdoms.
TEAM MEEREEN– Daenerys’s cabinet of advisers and strategists tasked with helping her ass conquer the world.
Things are looking up for Team Meereen. Varys, a valued member of its front office, is off on a secret mission to Westeros. While there, he plans to assemble a super PAC to back Daenerys’s bid for the Iron Throne. It looks like their latest recruit, Kinvara, the High Red Priestess, made good on her promise to spread the pro-Daenerys propaganda to the masses. The people seem content. Peace has finally been restored to city. This is cause for celebration. Tyrion finally manages to convince two of the more uptight team members, Missandei and Grey Worm, to lighten the fuck up. And surprise! The trio actually enjoys one another’s company, drinking wine and telling bad jokes. But their party is short-lived as the familiar sound of a barrage of cannon blasts disrupts the festive atmosphere. Drats! The masters have double-crossed them! They’ve returned with a fleet of battleships to collect their slaves. With the masters now waging war against them and their defenses compromised from the previous uprising, Team Meereen once again finds itself in a trick bag. The team is bickering over strategy- Tyrion wants to attack from the shore but Grey Worm prefers to defend at the temple. Suddenly, they are interrupted by a loud thud and subsequent shaking of the ceiling. Then the door opens and we see what caused the commotion…one of my favorite niggas in all the realm has finally returned home! Drogon, lands on the balcony, safely depositing his mother within the confines of the temple. Then he flies off, presumably to collect his siblings so the three of them can flame their mother’s adversaries. Hopefully Daenerys has her army of Dothraki warriors on standby so they can ride in and finish the job. But even if she doesn’t, never count her ass out. This bitch is an extremely adept escape artist. There is nary a trick bag that can contain her. She is good for performing some crazy ass pyro-stunt to get out of a perilous situation. If I were the masters, I would immediately cease the launch of incendiary shit in this ho’s direction. It will end badly for them. Go Team!
See you next week.