Friday Fun: Oh No (S)He Didn’t!

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In light of yesterday’s post from Heather Hunter — who’s probably not the p0rn star — and her wayward speaking beau (and the “man’s” attempt to shut us down for a few hours), I figure I’d delve a little deeper into the “wrong sh*t to say” phenomenon. You see, women often allude to the fact that a lot of dudes would get a lot further with them if they’d never open their mouths.

I suppose a lot of guys do say the wrong thing…I suppose. Then again, it always works on some chick. Let’s face it, all women don’t have standards. Which bodes well for guys who don’t really like chicks with standards. That’s the win-win.

Anyway, for a little Friday fun, I figured I’d throw out my guess as to five statements that would probably ruin any woman’s first impression of a man. Let’s see if I know what I’m talking about. I think I do.

PANAMA SPITS THAT HOT FIYAH: 5 STATEMENTS THAT WILL BURN YOU AT YOUR STEAK

1. “Hey bitch.”

Of course, if you’re in France, and you bring your pet Chow to the restaurant with you and it just so happens to be a , ya know, b*tch, it’s quite possible that he was talking to your dog since all dogs go to heaven. And you DO NOT want to get in trouble with big guy upstairs by NOT recognizing the b*tch at the bar…right? Right??

2. “Girl, your a** looks like two basketballs stuffed with two watermelons being eaten by two midgets down there. Hell, I don’t know whether to bounce, bite, or give your ass a pound.”

Yeah, even I have no defense for that one. By the way? That’s a lot of arse.

3. “I’m not really a big fan of relationships. I really just want to have the kind of *word that rhymes with flex* with you that monkeys have when they’re mad at the gazelles. Girl, you know what I’m talking about…”

Interestingly, many women say this is what they’d rather hear from a man than all the game he’s spitting. I don’t believe you, you need more people. I can’t see how any man who says this to a woman would really be given honesty points. In fact, I don’t think ANY man would come out well in this situation. Except maybe LL Cool J. But then again, he’s starting to look like a woman so maybe he knows exactly what woman want to hear.

4. “Miss lady, you’re very pretty. I’ve never seen a woman with such natural beauty as you have and I just wanted to tell you that. If you think that’s sweet, wait til you see how much honey I’d like to pour all over your body. Bartender…bartender…do you have any of her bathwater back there on tap because she is a tall drink of water and I AM FEELING…THIRSTY!”

Heh heh. I’d actually like to try this at some point…just to see how fast the chick would go from “he’s nice” to “I hope you die a slow and painful death”. I have 9 seconds in the office pool.

And lastly…

5. “Great lips. I bet you **** a mean ****. “

Never mind that it might be true. My guess is that telling a woman that she probably ***** a mean **** will ensure that you go home with a *** ****. Which is never a good thing. Of course, on the off chance that she does both **** a mean **** AND wants to show you, well then slap me silly and call me Susan because you’ve just met a hooker.

So good people of VSB.com, what are some things that you’ve actually heard that ruined a first impression in something like 5 seconds flat. Ladies, I KNOW with all the stories that get floated out here that there are a million jacked up statements. And fellas (what!), fellas (what!), what are some lines you’ve actually tried on chicks that you knew weren’t going to work but you said, “who cares, maybe she’ll bite?” Deviant, I KNOW you got lines!

Sharing is caring, people.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST

250 thoughts on “Friday Fun: Oh No (S)He Didn’t!”

  1. Okay, so this brotha approaches me and runs down his resume, future goals and how “powerful” he is and then looks at me in a very “how can you not want my 5’9″ slimline self” way and asks, “So baby, can you handle this?”

    Now two things entered my mind…first, that the real question was, “Would I EVER IN MY GOD-GIVEN LIFETIME want to handle whatever “this” was?” and second, man that little dude really believes that cocky equals confidence…lmao! ;-)

    PS- Anniversary Sale starts at 12amPST…can’t wait to get the Fall’08 bags! Yippee!

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  2. A guy told me I had d**k sucking lips in the club, and asked me what my name was…. I promptly responded, “I ain’t got no name” in my drunk stupor.. my girls laughed so hard, and they still talk about it 8 years later…. and by the way had I not been drunk I may have caught an assault charge that night… Go liquor!

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    • “A guy told me I had d**k sucking lips in the club, and asked me what my name was…”

      hate to say it, but it if this line is approached properly, it actually can work in getting a dude into at least a conversation where he can hopefully see if he’ll ever be able to test his hypothesis…

      perhaps not on every woman (clearly) but i’ve seen it work. more than once. humor has a way of making things seem not as offensive.

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      • “A guy told me I had d**k sucking lips in the club, and asked me what my name was…”

        hate to say it, but it if this line is approached properly, it actually can work in getting a dude into at least a conversation where he can hopefully see if he’ll ever be able to test his hypothesis…

        can’t lie…in my former life…it didn’t “work” in the sense that he got to find out what kind of lips I really have…but it “worked” in the sense that he did have a conversation…it was funny…and we’re cool to this day…but he’s the un-cute-est man I know…so, he will never got to see what double tongue rings feel like!

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  3. ::After a slow look at my body:::
    “Girl, Id bite yo butt and buy you a fish sandwich!!!”

    I was too shocked, confused, and buzzed to say anything so I walked away. I know thats from some show, movie, etc. but dont know where. Either way, its the dumbest thing Ive ever heard in public.

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  4. The worse thing a guy told me that I met was he wanted to rest his banana in between my two ripe watermelons. I was like WTF. After getting over the initial shock that he had the nerve to say it, I told him it would never happen and walked away.

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  5. {Comeback Girl}: “My intuition is telling me …well its telling me that we just aren’t right for each other, something is missing. On top of which you don’t respect me. Its time to say our farewells and adeu’s.”

    {my ex}: ” Your Intuition…Your Intuition???…Your Mo%^thafkin Intuition….LOL…that shit aint real.”

    ***and scene***

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    • Comeback Girl, that’s a good one. I need to write that line down or change it to “Call me psychic, but I don’t things are going to work out between the two of us.” LOL

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  6. I told a guy I didn’t want to sleep with him, his response was ” what you mean you don’t wanna sleep with me? I’m superman!!” then proceeds to explain that I will never find nothing better…..

    *deep sigh*

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  7. HAHAHAHA…OOOH, I LIKE THIS ONE. And for the record, #3 is not appreciated when it’s our first conversation or brought out on a first date…but at some point, when a girl is trying to figure out if she should try to be your girl, it would be cool if a dude let us know that he’s not lookin for a girl…more like musiq’s version of a B-U-D-D-Y and we can then decide if we want to hang out for it. That’s what we mean by that.

    Interesting lines I’ve heard:

    “Hey girl, you look like you want to f*ck me”
    “Damn you look good, we’d make some pretty babies”
    “You lookin’ for a stepdad?” (I was pregnant…and sexy as hell! LOL)
    “My d*** has been following u around all night, u might as well dance with him”
    “Damn, I ain’t seen u in a minute, u look good as hell, can i eat yo a$$”
    “You look like you could put it on a brotha, i don’t know if i can hang, i don’t have a lot of stamina and i’m short stabbin’ like mug”

    And on a first date with a very attractive man whose kid goes to my daughter’s daycare:
    Me: “You’ve been flirting with me for a while, why’d it take u so long to ask for my number”
    Him: “Well, i wanted to have sex with you, didn’t know if you’d be down”

    If nothing else, the men folk keep us entertained

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    • ” can i eat yo a$$”

      I didn’t know this was the new thing.
      In May my homegirl and I were at this club and this dude told her the same thing. We were both laughing like…wow. You just come up to a total stranger and tell them something like this…hilarious!

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    • “me: “You’ve been flirting with me for a while, why’d it take u so long to ask for my number”
      Him: “Well, i wanted to have sex with you, didn’t know if you’d be down””

      at least you can give the brotha some props for being honest

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      • I can’t give him props for being honest when he honestly lacked any sense of tact. Read the paragraph above, that kind of honesty is only appreciated after we have at least established a some level of “friendship”…all I’m saying, is don’t be an asshole and say that to me on a first date…at least go through a few freakin motions and make me feel like u respect me a lil’ bit…i’d feel a lot less like a slut if i took u up on the offer on the 2nd or 3rd date or after a couple “getting to know u” phone conversations than if u said that bs to me on the first date…hence your query in the above #3.

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    • “Damn you look good, we’d make some pretty babies”

      I’ve had a chick tell me this before. she was just looking for good-haired-kids though since i’m mixed.

      “Damn, I ain’t seen u in a minute, u look good as hell, can i eat yo a$$”

      now that’s just funny. i love non sequiturs.

      i use them all the time. i like staples.

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    • “My d*** has been following u around all night, u might as well dance with him”

      I would dance with him, just for originality…that was FUNNY to me!!!

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        • “Naw, he was ugly, real ugly…the ugly ones are usually the most bold.”

          lol at the fact that plain ole “ugly” wasn’t enough the first time, and had to be qualified with “real”

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  8. Lines I like the least:

    *GOTDAMN/Damn/etc.- it’s nice to inspire cursing in the bedroom, but just walking down the street (especially in front of people from work!) it’s too much. What do you even say in response?

    *Damn girl, you a stallion/amazon- just don’t care for the comparisons. i get what’s trying to be said but…no.

    *Hey Miss Lady- I hate ‘miss lady’

    *My Nubian Princess/Black Queen/Jewel of the Nile- again, just no.

    *Girl, just give me an hour- do i look like a hooker?

    *Can i just lick your P*ssy- I’ve already mentioned my disdain for a community tongue.

    *Pss, Pss. Shoortty. Hey, HEY! I know you hear me!- I might’ve heard you, but i just knew you weren’t talking to me.

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    • *My Nubian Princess/Black Queen/Jewel of the Nile- again, just no.”

      on one of my bored days, i tried to create the scene from don’t be a menace where the faux-black-power cat walks up to the black chick and is like, “My black queen…could you please tap that white girl for me….”

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    • I actually don’t mind Black Queen/Nubian Princess. Unfortunately, it’s usually uttered by some ugly dude who wants to be “ethnic”. So yeah, it depends on who says it.

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  9. Lines that do not work and I am said to say were used……

    “Say baby can I have some pink?” – I get this text from a dude every once in a blue moon out of the blue….WTF
    “What are you, like 105 pounds, I can toss your lil a$$ around all night long?” – dude in a club, but you havent even told me your name or bought me a drink….tsk^2….
    “Damn girl you can dance your a$$ off, how about we leave this place right now and you show me what you can do in the bedroom?” – Really?!?!?!?! Please show me the chick that this line worked on?
    “See if you would’ve met me sooner I coulda been his daddy?” – Walking in the mall with my son and random dude #11,345 walks up to me and says this. He then proceeds to try and get in by using phrases like ‘know wha Im sayin lil mama’, ‘dis is my hood’, ni99a just tryin to do what he do’, ‘i keeps the game tight’, ‘i could be buying you baby phat and all dat stuff, no wha I mean.” Yeah I know exactly what you mean, you dont have a real job or a decent vocabulary and you are how old? Please kick large rocks with no shoes or socks.

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      • Why LAWD why are all these random dudes trying to volunteer to be our kids “daddies”…I’m willing to bet you for every dude sayin’ that dumb sh*t there are three babies mommas sittin at home with six kids between them that culdn’t point their daddy out in a line up!

        To all the future men who want to volunteer in the middle of the d*mn street, at the gas station, in the mall, and on my way to daycare to be my child’s “daddy”…I’m so straight, she has a father, two godfathers, a grandfather, some uncles, and some great-uncles..we’re all full here, thanks.

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        • @ Breeliscious….thank you..thank you very much. I mean, I might not like the daddy he got ( just sayin in general), but um really! Kill yo self, resurrect, then kill yo self again. I promise you while I am out looking for some Nikes, a nice purse and some khaki shorts, I promise you I am not looking for a new surrogate potentially deadbeat replacement baby daddy. No thank you sir!

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          • “Kill yo self, resurrect, then kill yo self again”

            *holy mt. st. mary’s rock of ages baptist church of god in christ*

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            • I love tellin’ igmos to go off themselves.

              I also love Jay’s line from “Threat” where he says:

              “i will kill you, commit suicide, then kill you again”

              dumb people give me hives.

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    • Seriously fellas do not use this line in front of a child!!! WTF! Some of these lines can be said with humor but saying I could have been your baby’s father IN FRONT OF THE CHILD is sooo wrong and disrespectful. There is always a line you never cross but this “line” just flys over it in a 747!

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      • Yeah, I can’t imagine this not working if done properly. it’s too cleverly ridiculously.

        of course it would probably help if he didnt look like lil jon AND like he really meant what he said.

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    • “Hey girl, I know you hear me looking at you!”

      this would work on me if he was playing…and not already wearing his Wal-Mart smock?standard Target red shirt adn khakis…(just saying)

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      • There you go again….hatin on the Wal-mart and Target brothas….I tell you Goody-Gum Drop…short, yella, half a roll of quarters and greeter…IT’S a done deal!

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        • “I tell you Goody-Gum Drop…short, yella, half a roll of quarters and greeter…IT’S a done deal!”

          can you translate this into american please?

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          • At lernch yesterday we were discussing the success and relationship factors/potential of one who works at Wal-mart or Target or anywhere else where the uniform is smockery. Miss Goodeness was adamant about not dealing with dudes with smock like tendencies. My comment was referring to her standards in a man, not that they’re Olympic High Dive potential, but they are a little too specific and in my opinion not at the deep end of the pool. So my comment broken down means that the love of her life will be a 5’2, high yella complexioned, ‘Dont put a dolla bill next to it cuz he’s camera shy and length/girth challenged, smock wearing man who she will fall head over heels for. :-)

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  11. Is we f*ckin’ or is we not f*ckin’? (I shared this one with ya’ll earlier. Said to me by a guy who started off good and then went down in flames. MAYDAY!!!)

    Is that thang real or what? Can I touch it? (talking about the junk…the answer was no.)

    Say there…you…the big red one… (yeah–you get’s nowhere on that one. I know you wanna acknowlege me and all, but a simple hello or can I talk to you–you in the purple, would have worked much better.)

    You know I loooove big girls– (oh really MF’er? This is a newsflash. You’re here in my face, talking to me, trying to get my number, and I haven’t figured this out yet? Kill yourself.)

    If we’re not f*ckin’ tonight, maybe you shouldn’t call me then–(Oh yeah, obviously you don’t know me like that because you got straight deleted from jump, talking to me like that. Retard.)

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  12. I appreciate the acknowledgement. I’m feelin all warm inside.
    I can’t say I have any lines. I possess no game and I never learned how to approach the women. I usually just start convos with the most unexpected thing I can think of at the time. I figure if you are surprised or laffing you won’t notice my hand on your tiddy. You would be surprised how much that has worked. Of course I was in college and I was high alot so that may have helped. Due to my lack of game and the large supply of women that were aware of my unique personality I never felt I needed to learn the proper way to approach a woman that most of you speak of on this site. I still feel that such steps are unnecessary. When I see a woman I would like to ejaculate with I just say what I’m thinking whatever it is. If you don’t laff or immedately demand pleasure from my joystick I write you of as an unworthy peasant.

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    • I figure if you are surprised or laffing you won’t notice my hand on your tiddy.

      this has happened to me too many times!!!! That is not cool.

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  13. From white guys:

    “You must not be all Black…With the hair and all…”

    “So what I’m short and married. I’m rich and that counts in this town.” In his defense, he was drunk off his ass. It was St. Patty’s Day.

    From Black men:

    “I bet you one of them Howuuuhd girls…”

    “You can have friends right?” This is said after I say I live with my husband/boyfriend/boyfriend’s sister.

    “I can afford to take you where ever. Here, take my phone, it has the internet, and my wallet and book us a flight.” This was said to me by one of my drunk exes. I didn’t speak to his ass for a few months.

    “Upgrade me.”

    “Come on. I want to get you pregnant.” This one was never seriously said to me. It’s something my boy just says randomly to any woman in earshot.

    “Yo, youngin’…Yo, shawtie…You hear me…” This is said when I have the misfortune of needing to go to the bank on GA Ave just past HU. It’s often followed with some reference to me being a Howuuuhd girl.

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    • Oh I forgot two that came from the same guy:

      “You WILL like me.”
      I heard Twilight Zone music as he said it. His face was super intense.

      A year later, while he was dating my LS:

      “T*tties lookin’ nice tonight.”
      I grabbed him by his shoulders, turned him around, patted him on his ass and pushed him–with all my force–away. Meanwhile, my girl was just standing there with her mouth open and face twisted. She couldn’t believe he’d said that.

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      • So wait first he tried to jedi mind trick you (or he just finished a hypnotism symposium or book). Then he was about to get you invited to an episode of Jerry Springer w/ seats on stage. LOL

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    • You are liable to hear anything while walking down Georgia avenue…don’t even go to the ‘howard’ McDonald’s :-)

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    • “Upgrade me.”

      I hollered “NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” at my computer… (ABCDE did you hear me over there?) it was a reflex…I’m sorry…WHY LAWD??? “Upgrade Me?” really ni**a? really?

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  14. Okay, seriously, ANY of the lines I’ve read so far would incite GALES of laughter and a response like “So, this is your audition material fo Def Jam Comedy/Comic View, right? How’s that working out for ya?”

    Thankfully, I’ve never had anyone approach me with such wackness…probably because I usually have an evil look on my face that is designed to repel such phuckery.

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  15. “you look like you got some good a** P*ssy, I just want to eat it” I turned in disgust and left. Guys are really a mess these days.

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        • what does that “look” like? One guy told me that he could tell how good the pudding was based on women’s walks?

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          • One guy told me that he could tell how good the pudding was based on women’s walks?

            I’ve been told this so many times, it’s crazy. I personally don’t think I walk a certain kind of way, but maybe I do…who knows?

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          • I’ve heard this too…certain um, female swagger (for lack of a better term) that supposedly indicates this.
            However, if that’s the first thing dude can think of to say to me…he’ll never find out.

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          • how good the pudding was based on women’s walks?

            Really…so my mean walk is what’s getting me in trouble?
            Daaaang. I had NO idea.

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      • LOL…. well I’d rather a dude keep that comment to himself and maybe he’d get to experience my “good a** p*ssy” for himself! lol

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      • I think we need to include Robin Haris’ old ssa HBO one night stand as a must see. I can only remember him mocking the ladies “tee heee hee oooh it just tickles me when I walk” and on the converse “Damn I cain’t even give it away”

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    • i can’t really explain it. some women just have that look to em. it doesnt imply sluttiness or anything either…they just look like their wetwet gets extra wet.

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    • I don’t think i can really explain this……

      I wouldn’t really say it’s a “look” it’s more of an essence….yeah that’s it…..Essence of good P*ssy!
      I can just sense good p*ssy. Like the Highlander when he walks into a train station and he just knows there is another immortal in there, or like that movie Constantine where the dude could see what people really were underneath. I can look at a woman and within 3.5 – 4.7 seconds I will know if she has good stuff or not. But there has to be something that is a clear sign in my mind, I just can’t pinpoint it. I have had a couple “bad” ones, so maybe I am just drawn to women who have absolutely nothing in common with the horror stories. I don’t know what it really is! All I know is that when I see it, I know it, and it has not failed me in at least 5 years.

      Oh here’s a little known fact, or at least one that men like to deny. The “10′s” usually have the worst p*ssy. They rely solely on their looks and thus the sex game suffers.

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      • I can just sense good p*ssy!
        again… T-Shirt nomination

        BUT… I think you guys don’t necessarily SENSE good pudding… I think you can see SEXY and can sense confidence.
        I think the ma’s who know what they are doing, are comfortable with and are in touch with their sexuality give that vibe. Some how that all transmits together in a bad azz walk? no? discuss!

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      • “10’s” usually have the worst p*ssy.
        Also up for T-Shirt nomination.

        And imo… The reason 10′s have the worst pudding is because generally they have been regarded as sexual objects for most of their lives and dislike the connotation their beauty gives. Just because they are attractive men generally only want them for thier body/looks so they usually don’t get that in to it. Halle Berry I think is an example of this. Whereas more average women (see the VSB numbers post where 6 is considered above average) are able to have a more organic relationship with sex because they don’t necessarily feel as used for their appearances. This could be explained by the Missy’s and Moniques always running their mouths about their sex games…. I dunno.

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      • “The “10’s” usually have the worst p*ssy”

        this is urban legend. some “dimes” have rainforests down there too, and aren’t scared to f*ck

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  16. I am about 6 ft. so of course I hear the..

    “Daaaayum, I wouldn’t mind climbing that”

    “Oooh you’re a tall glass of water, and nukka trying to get WEEET” <– gross a** nukka.

    “I bet that thang deep”

    Yeah, I don’t club anymore.

    Thanks

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  17. Women wanting honesty is bullpoop. They want you to be honest so they can reject you outright instead of later so they can save time. This doesnt help the guy in any way whatsoever. Women do not realize that we want to be sucessful in our banging we are not out to make the selection easy for them. I think its very selfish on the part of the women to demand such things from the men. Hang your heads in shame for such treachery.

    my most successful lines while in college – “lets go half on a sack” & “I got a blunt”
    I smoked alotta weed. I was far from the ideal student but I guess that doesn’t matter now. I had fun at the college. I am a great role model for children.

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    • “bullpoop” had me sniggling so much I could barely read the comment…but a smoker chick would have definitely hit you up on that! (I mean I don’t smoke, but I’ve heard that this works, lol)

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    • “Women do not realize that we want to be sucessful in our banging we are not out to make the selection easy for them.”

      CHURCH!!! PREACH!!!! TABERNACLE!!!!!!

      Let the church say AMEN!!!!

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  18. Seriously, though, there’s gotta be some womenfolk these lines work on…else the fools wouldn’t keep trying them, right? I’d love to know who they are, though, so we can round them up, sterilize them, and prevent them from propagating more stupidity. *hates stupid people*

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  19. My cousin, my two college roommates, and I were walking on Beale Street in Memphis. Now all of us are big girls so we just walking kicking it. We brought our “A” game. Remind u its 4 of us and this dude is like “Ay Ay Ay Shawty Ay” but we just keep walking too many drunks on Beale to just stop. Then he says “Ya’ll TOO BIG TO BE ACTING FUNNY”…….we all bust out laughing and told him that was a good one. But weSTILL kept walking anyway.

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  20. You know I gotta represent the brothas…here goes some of the wilddest lines/comments women have ever thrown at me:

    I was on my way to work (via subway) in my good suit and suspenders when this older woman ran up on me talkin bout… “D@mn Slim, you look like you got it going on in the boardroom and the bedroom. I like that. You should call me.” I’m thinking to myself “Take it easy, Old School…that line is corny as sh*t.”

    “You look like you have a big d*ck. Well do you?” How exactly do you respond to that…lol…actually, there really is only one response…

    “Damn boy, you got a nice @ss! Lemme grab it.” I’m like “well, it’s a pleasure to meet you too…damn!”

    “What kind of car do you drive?” I hate gold-diggers.

    NOTE: I had to give the following points for sheer gangsterness

    No words…just a crotch grab and a smile. shocking.

    “I have a bit of an oral fixation…” WHOA!

    I was standing at a bar and I noticed this chick looking at me. She was giving me the eye of the tiger…while she was holding hands with her man. Her man goes to the bathroom and when he returns they take their drinks and start walking in my direction. As they pass by the chick slides a napkin into my hand containing her name and number. I lost all faith in women that day.

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    • “No words…just a crotch grab and a smile. shocking. ”

      I think I might have met you before…lmao

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    • “I was on my way to work (via subway) in my good suit and suspenders when this older woman ran up on me talkin bout… “D@mn Slim, you look like you got it going on in the boardroom and the bedroom. I like that. You should call me.”

      I’m amused and amazed that was the best line she could come up with…and a lot of men would have jumped on that. Props for having standards and not falling for that lameness!

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    • No words…just a crotch grab and a smile. shocking.

      “I have a bit of an oral fixation…” WHOA!

      ~I’ve never been to NY so I know it wasn’t me…(whew! that was a close one)

      I lost all faith in women that day.
      ~this made me sad…real sad… :(

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    • I like the crotch grabbers! You never see it coming and it always seems to be an attractive woman that does it. Or maybe I am just attracted to any woman that happens to have a handful of my junk…..hmmm I will research this.

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      • I like the crotch grabbers! You never see it coming and it always seems to be an attractive woman that does it. Or maybe I am just attracted to any woman that happens to have a handful of my junk…..hmmm I will research this.

        ***raising hand*** I volunteer to participate…this is my kind of research!

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  22. ““Take it easy, Old School”
    I would wear this on a t-shirt!! I’m often an old man magnet and I’m soo not in need of anyone’s social security check.

    “I have a bit of an oral fixation…” WHOA!
    I actually kinda like that one! Wouldn’t use it on a stranger, but i like it.

    Reply ↓

    • “Take it easy, Old School!

      I need that shirt too, especially if I go to Zanzibar which is full of old men desperate for a dance.

      Reply ↓

  23. I have posted this up here before … but I’m still in shock about it:

    “Damn ma you look GOOD in black! I bet black look just as good in YOU!!!”

    In his defense … I was looking damn fine. It was one of my better fashion days, however … that kinda scared me.

    A guy at a bar asked me if my pussy was lonely. No, really he did. I told him “Why no, she isn’t she has LOTS OF FRIENDS!”

    Reply ↓

    • “Damn ma you look GOOD in black! I bet black look just as good in YOU!!!”

      I hate to admit it but I would laugh at this one later. It is funny…just not gonna get you my number.

      Reply ↓

      • I laugh NOW … but not when strange ass dude with 3 teeth said it to me.

        Folks got jokes too, because the next time I wore that outfit ALL my male friends were saying that to me.

        Reply ↓

        • I just imagined Jerome from Martin saying that line to you in that raspy, sing-songy cadence that we all know and love.

          Reply ↓

          • It got so bad … I was glad when the seasons changed so the dress and boots werent and option anymore.

            I mean because damn. I looked at myself in the mirror with that outfit on and got a lil affected. Now I’m ready for the cooler temps to wear it again. LOL.

            Reply ↓

  24. Why just the other day my neighbor whom I do not know well (just that we are neighbors). Proposes that for the Fourth of July that he come over to hang with me, “Sexy Neighbor” and we can make some “Adult Smoothies”. My response was incredulity. His follow up: “Quit acting like you’re fresh out the convent and let’s make this happen”. Troll, I hope he gets testicular cancer.

    Reply ↓

  25. I hear stupid lines all the time but since I have been pregnant (and I’m just starting to show), I am like a man magnet. I attract all types of men, but mostly those with kids. They start making conversation and end up talking to me about how they remember how good pregnant woman sex is. They kinda get this gleam in their eye like they are having flashbacks. It’s ridiculous..telling me how they bet I make cute babies, offering to buy/pump my gas and buy me food. lol

    I had no idea baby daddys are out having pregnancy flashbacks. And I though pregnancy would keep the men away…

    Reply ↓

    • Hey Congratulations Queen!!! When are you due? Do you know what you’re having? My wife is due on Monday but it doesn’t look like she will be on time. If that baby doesn’t come outta there by Monday at midnight…I’m issuing an eviction notice. Enough is enough.

      But yeah, I thought pregnancy would be a detractor. Apparently not. My wife always tells me stories about guys who try to get with her even though she is in her ninth month. N*ggas are unscrupulous.

      Reply ↓

      • “I’m issuing an eviction notice. Enough is enough.”
        I’m CRYING over this. too funny. Congrats by the way. And to you too Queen!

        Reply ↓

      • Due in January. I have a longggg time. Congrats to you!!!

        It sounds like she has made such a comfortable home for the baby that he/she doesn’t want to leave. Please don’t evict the baby yourself. lol Let the doctors induce and do it for you.

        Reply ↓

      • the only nookie better than NEW nookie is PREGNANT nookie!

        This is what guys tell me—I’ve never been pregnant though…*sigh*

        Reply ↓

  26. ~when I get off house arrest…I want to take you out! (loud game show buzzer)

    ~”redd…I love being between these pretty red thighs, and that p**** so hot, you gonna make a ni*** hair straight” (I was braiding his hair at the time…and he was FINE…”she” had a reaction that was completely out of my control…)

    ~I have had strangers ask to lick my tattoos…BTW, I love to have my ink licked, but I decline er’time, cuz I’m a laaaaaddy!! lol

    ~when I used to wear acrylic nails (long and ghetto) this brother said…”I love your nails…they would look good in my back!”…

    ~d@mn you have a beautiful mouth…can I taste it?

    ~girl your walk is smooth like that goodie is so good it’s good to YOU! (he didn’t even know my name, so it was REALLY funny to me)

    Reply ↓

      • “I wonder if these lines are freestyle or written. LOL! Some of this sh*t is pretty clever. HAA”

        for real. i think cats seriously must sit at home and think some of these shits up.

        Reply ↓

    • I like having my ink licked, too. Is that strange?

      I mean it helps I have ink in personal places. But still. I think it might be odd, even tho I like it.

      Reply ↓

      • I like having my ink licked, too. Is that strange?

        @Cheryl…***straightening my glasses*** it’s completely natural…when you get a tattoo…the repeated needle-flesh motion…makes the area more sensitive…perfect for licking…baby! the one behind my ear, the one on my left shoulder…and the one on my left hip…WHOOOOOOO WEEEEEEE!!! makes me want to make it rain on these boys!!!

        Reply ↓

  27. You know something…I’m thinking about how outrageous these lines are and how they are obvious grounds for immediate and rude dismissal. But I have been shutdown on some ugly sh*t without ever even using one of those “I wanna bite that thang like a piece of grissel…” type of lines. For example:

    It was late. I was drunk. Walked on to an empty train to go home. Saw a cute girl. Sat down across from her. She immediately gets up and moves to the other side of the train. Shut down before I even got ramped up…that presumptuos mofo didn’t even give me a chance to clear my throat. COLD BLOODED.

    Here’s another shutdown classic…walking through the train station. semi-drunk. See cute girl.

    D*Stroy: “Excuse me”
    Cute Girl: *Turns around with eyebrows pleasantly raised to convey receptiveness to conversation* “Yes”
    D*Stroy: *Smoothly slide over to kick game* “May I talk to…”
    Cute Girl: *Loudly sucks her teeth in aggrivation and storms off*
    D*Stroy: *dejectedly takes one last look at her @ss and skulks off in sobering defeat*

    Reply ↓

    • *Loudly sucks her teeth in aggrivation and storms off*—LOL! I dont know why its so funny to me when women suck their teeth, but it is. Maybe because its like theyre so damn disgusted they dont even have words!

      Maybe you should stop tryna holler at chicks drunk! Lol!

      Reply ↓

      • LMAO! Yeah…Fortunately, I have since put my jersey up on the shelf. But show me a guy who says he hasn’t been shutdown and I will show you a liar.

        But you are right the Drunkenness was definitely the common denominator!

        Reply ↓

      • These were low points in my mac-adociousness. I remember that on both occasions I was feeling super-confident after an evening of macking only to have the night ruined by some dismissive and attitudinal mofos.

        Reply ↓

  29. My contributions

    “Girl you don made me Fu** up these draws with yo fine azz”

    While smacking his lips and making a noise I can’t describe – it was a cross between smacking, sucking, and kissing “Ummmmm Ummmm Titty Meat. I love Titty Meat”

    “Yeah I just got my lick-her (liquor) license back and Im trying to put it to use”

    YP (young pervert): What’s up?
    Me: Not much, what’s up with you
    YP: Sh*t trying to eat?
    Me: (foolishly): Eat what
    YP: The lining out of your pu$$y

    Classic but goody:

    How you doing?
    Fine
    I aint ask you how you looked, I asked you how you were doing.

    Reply ↓

  31. The worst one I’d ever heard was “lemme eat your p*ssy” from some local Pittsburgh dude as I was walking to the bus stop on my way to class @ 8 in the morning. Why would anyone think that driving around and harrassing women near bus stops @ 8am is a good idea???

    Reply ↓

  32. Donated generously by a random homeless man on GA Ave in DC.

    My friend and I pass by and the man shouts loudly to my friend, “Damn you a sexy black ass mutha f***er!!!”

    My friend couldnt figure out whether to be offended by the black ass mutha f***er part or flattered by the sexy part.

    **More misadventures of random ridiculousness from GA Ave. Coming soon @ peachesngumbo.wordpress.com**

    Reply ↓

  33. HA! my homegirls husband was on “punishment” and he left her a note by the bed…that said…

    “baby, when you get home tonight, will you put some starch on my lips?”

    (barf) I mean.. I really did….

    Reply ↓

  34. Lines I’ve heard that I actually remember:

    “So I see you looking at me looking at you looking at me.”

    “Why haven’t you had me two strong boys yet?”

    Reply ↓

  35. This new cook at my part-time gig tried to spark up conversation with me. That was alright until he said ” listen i’m married, but i’m always looking for a mistress”. *Blank Stare* The conversation was over after that…that line? I guess that is what it was intended to be, all it did was offend me.

    Reply ↓

  36. I missed everyone, but I felt this needed to be said.
    I was at the movies with a group of friends a few years ago(I was a junior in high school) and the theatre was fairly empty, so we were all spread out. I was half-asleep because it was one of those wack Lindsay Lohan movies, and out of nowhere, a dude whispers something to me.
    “They call my d*ck my dick meow-mix ‘cus it makes the kitties purr.”
    Now, at the tender age of 17, I had never heard anything as outlandish as that and I was completely shocked. The onlything I could do was get up and leave the theatre….

    Reply ↓

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