ever since 8th grade, when i allowed a smile and a plaid skirt to convince me to pick the ridiculously endowed and hilariously uncoordinated ericka white on my team for ultimate dodgeball, i’ve been convinced that women should and eventually would rule the world.
i envisioned a future of female omnipotence and dominion, where all the world’s men were coerced to attend “testosterone nullification” camps, and where all industry, time-travel, and farming equipment were mercilessly controlled by the fairer gender.
obviously, i was wrong, and obviously i watched too much cinemax.
16 years later, although still convinced that the world should be run by women, i finally realize why its not.
because i’m an altruist and sh*t, i want to spread my knowledge to the masses with four reasons why women should rule the world…
…and the one thing thats holding them back
1. there’s more of them where it counts
although we outnumber them on earth, women out populate us in every country that f*cking matters (look for yourself), and in any populous situation that anyone gives a damn about (college campuses, popular and safe nighttime options, entertaining television ensembles, vsb.com, etc), facts that should easily lead to their world domination and an easy justification for more threesomes
2. they live long as hell
this is an admirable trait, although i’d probably live t0 95 also if i could use all the money i saved from not having to pay for drinks, dates, or club admission fees towards better health care
3. they have a much, much, much, much greater tolerance for pain
in 2006, i dated a woman who’d get brazilian waxed on a regular basis, a sadistic process which is basically the male equivalent of allowing a rabid persian cat to claw out your pubic hairs after accidentally spilling pancake syrup and bleach on your lap. on mild days she’d run a couple laps around the highland park reservoir immediately after her appointments.
monday morning, i accidentally stuck my pinkie with a thumbtack. figuring (correctly) that it would take at least an hour for the extra-strength ibuprofen to kick in, three to get over my pain, and another three to get over the sight of my own blood, i called in a sick day. i also called my mom to pout.
4. they have special powers
while waiting for my girl outside of sushi two yesterday, i noticed a man in a business suit sprinting to a parked car a few yards away from me. inside that car was a somewhat attractive january jones doppleganger. when the guy reached the car, he pulled out what looked to be at least a couple hundred dollars and gave it to her through the window.
their convo went as follows (paraphrasing)
girl: “thanks, buddy. things have been tight recently. i really appreciate it”
guy: “any time. sorry for taking so long. i had to run to the atm on penn avenue because the one on walnut is out of order. so…what are you doing this weekend? i had some tickets to…
***girl speeds off while guy, literally still in mid-sentence, turns around and walks away***
he then shot a sh*t-eating, “yeah, i know hot chicks” grin at his buddies who were watching this entire exchange
lets forget the fact that they produce human beings, as well as their ability to dance for seven consecutive hours in eight inch nine west stilts without flinching. being able to get away with sh*t like that and have a man actually brag about it happening to him is a superf*ckinghuman ability
with their myriad advantages, there’s no apparent reason why women haven’t forced men to play the washington generals to their female harlem globetrotting onslaught. yet, after moments years of intense study, i’ve finally figured out why.
terrible marketing and public relations
you see, the only reason why women don’t rule the world is because their gender doesn’t have a david axelrod to properly manipulate and spin critical info. this critical communication breakdown keeps them divided and allows us to stay on top.
think about it. how else can you explain that its widely believed that women can’t get along with each other, despite the fact that most of the best friendships any of us have witnessed have been between women?
how else would you account for the propaganda out there about how all the educated, successful, and attractive young black women out there can’t find mates, even though all of the educated, successful, and attractive young black women i personally know have to literally beat worthy candidates and contenders off with a stick? (and i live in freakin pittsburgh!!!)
you know, i can only think of one way to finally rectify this.
as my greatest crime-fighting endeavor yet, i, the champ, am throwing my hat in the ring.
i’m formally applying for the position of female earthling public relations specialist.
i’d like to see how the world would change if the women of earth had a karl rove in their corner. plus, it’s a recession and i have an english degree and several years of blogging experience. this would be the only open job in the country i’m actually qualified to do.
pay the 8th grade champ back for picking wack-ass ericka white and help hire me, please. you won’t regret it