while african-americans are definitely the most influential people on the planet, i can’t exactly say that everything we’ve brought to the table has been a good thing. this is particularly true when it comes to the internet, where for every okayplayer and blackvoices, there’s a couple mediatakeout’s lurking in the weeds, luring small children and stupid adults.
today, as a part of the verysmartbrothas crime-fighting ideals (and a shout-out to the champ’s second favorite television show ever), we’ve decided to bless the vsb pulpit with four reasons why they never should have given you n*ggas internet access.
1. n*ggas on facebook
while anyone could have predicted that myspace would eventually be overrun by them, the recent swarm of n*ggas on facebook has surprised everyone, proving once and for all that like liam nesson in “taken”, n*ggas will eventually find you.
i wont lie. at least a dozen of my friends qualify, and at least half of those dozen are family members.
i keep them around because you can’t minimize the mid-day comic relief of checking your friend’s status updates and seeing mundane sh*t like “john saunders is about to go on a job interview. wish me luck“, and “kim williams just landed in vegas, baby!!!” sandwiched between “rick gohardformyhood johnson why cant none of my babi mommaas act rght???? ” and “precious thebaddestbitch buddenswifey its crackin this weekend. hatas and broke ass altima n*ggas need not apply”
2. the birth of the professional urban model….
when speaking of nostalgia, most people wax poetic about sh*t like 60’s soul music, muscle cars, 80’s basketball, drive-in theaters, segregation, and when dr. dre and jermaine dupree were still alive
me? i long for the days when calling yourself “a professional model” meant high fashion, higher cheekbones, cigarettes, and anorexia, not scoring a showmag cover spread on the strength of a flickr photo album of self-shot booty pics taken in a sbarro’s bathroom during black bike week
3. …and the e-thug
because the internet is a place where people are able to anonymously espouse controversial opinions about everything from hair care to horticulture, it can be a virtual petrie dish for heated arguments, hurt feelings, and venereal disease.
a silly bi-product of this phenomenon is the keyboard thug/modem murderer, a person who not only threatens to inflict bodily harm when upset, but is stupid enough to think that their “b*tch n*gga!!! i better not ever see your ass on the streets!!!! you gettin straight clapped, son!!!” threats will actually scare anyone on the pittsburgh symphony orchestra message board.
4. conspiracy theory circulation
as mos def continues to prove, the only things black people love more than conspiracy theories and unproven half-half-truths are “lean on me” quotes and cinnamon pop tarts. its not entirely our fault, though. i mean, when you’re aware of sh*t like the tuskegee experiment and cointelpro , you can’t help having a healthy dose of american skepticism embedded in your dna.
still, that “healthy dose of american skepticism” doesn’t stop me from wishing slow and painful deaths on the people who flood my inbox daily with links from sandrarose.com and 10,000 word “factual” diatribes about how karl rove’s nephew shot tupac
did i miss anything?