Four Questions After Watching The Ray Rice Video » VSB

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Four Questions After Watching The Ray Rice Video

Ray Rice, Rayven Rice, Janay Palmer[Admin Note: Around 230pm EST, it was reported that the Baltimore Ravens have cut Ray Rice from the football team.]

I never played double-dutch as a kid, but I have always likened the playground game to mixing it up with my followers and those I follow on Twitter. It’s challenging, especially because as great of a place as Twitter can be for receiving breaking news, it is a pretty bad place to discuss it. So when I was on there this morning and I saw TMZ released more video footage of Ray Rice knocking out his now-wife, Janay Palmer, in an elevator, I just knew my timeline was going to shout over one another with points good and bad.

In the hours since this news has broke, #blacktwitter, #SportsTwitter, and #feministTwitter have converged on the platform, creating a category 5 storm of incomprehension. Ray Rice is the number one trending topic worldwide. Dialogue, at least a healthy one, will not be had, so I’m bringing these questions I have over to you beautiful, smart, reasonable people here at VSB.

That’s right, I have questions, and trust me, some of them may be basic, but they’re not simple. They’re also not being asked for the sake of pushing an agenda. I just want to discuss an issue (domestic violence) in context (Ray Rice, a employee of the NFL and his wife, Janay Palmer). So here are my questions:

To the Ray Rice defenders, what now?
A reiteration of something Damon mentioned in his post earlier today, I want someone to answer this question if you’re still on his side. Seriously, I’m not going to pass judgement on you as a person simply because I disagree with you (and be clear, I vehemently disagree with anyone who is saying Ray Rice isn’t more wrong than wrong can be), but this video doesn’t help anyone who is on team Ray Rice. Also, if this video changed your mind (because seeing her being dragged out of the elevator earlier this year wasn’t enough), why did it change your mind?

If Ray Rice is your son, brother, friend, or teammate, what do you do?
There is this tendency by many to ask people what they would do if Janay Palmer was their mother or sister, but I always think that question isn’t challenging enough since I think it’s fairly easy to say we would all defend the honor of a woman we loved and cared about. The better question is what we would do if we knew someone like Ray Rice? As far as I know, had I been caught on video doing what Ray Rice did, I am sure there would not be one person in my corner, not even my boys, and I couldn’t blame them. I would like to think I know all the men I consider brothers and men in my family to be guys who would never be violent towards their women, but I often wonder if I discovered they were, how would I treat them moving forward?

At what point are we shaming Palmer for deciding to not only partially blame herself for what took place in the elevator but also marrying him shortly afterward?

Before today’s video even surfaced, I was giving the Ravens a side-eye when they tweeted this out back in May:

But keep in mind, Palmer and Rice tied the knot the day before that tweet was sent, the day after Rice was indicted by a grand jury for third-degree aggravated assault charges, so I was also looking at her slightly crazy too.

Now? I just find this whole thing sad to the point where I actually don’t even want to take her to task if she blamed herself or for marrying Rice when she knows what he’s capable of. I personally think the decisions she’s made are her’s to square up with herself, the daughter her and Rice have, and her God. And while I certainly understand why some of us are wondering what possessed her to STAND BY HER ATTACKER’S SIDE, I wonder if we’re going too far with expressing that.

Is Roger Goodell the worst or what?
This one is a challenge especially to the sports historians out there: find me a league commissioner who is worse than Goodell. Seriously. The NFL’s front office (of which he is the boss) is already denying they saw this latest video which, Goodell, you a lie. But assuming they didn’t see it, that doesn’t mean they didn’t know about it. Even after Goodell updated the domestic violence policy to ban second-time offenders from the game for life, I thought he was a joke. Now? I’m not even laughing. The majority of his decisions have made it more difficult for me to be a fan in good consciousness, and even though I will continue to watch this game I enjoy, Goodell has got to go. Right?

Jozen Cummings

Jozen Cummings is the author and creator of the popular relationship blog Until I Get Married, which is currently in development for a television series with Warner Bros. He hosts a weekly podcast with WNYC about Empire called the Empire Afterparty and he works at Twitter as an editorial associate. He lives in Harlem, graduated from Howard University, and grew up in Seaside, California. He cannot get you a blue check.

  • Skegeeaces

    Domestic violence victims often stay because there’s a mental element to it. A lot of women stay with men who beat them even if they’re broke, ugly, and otherwise no-good because they have a co-dependent relationship and zero self-esteem. Also, sometimes women feel that they won’t have anywhere to go or a means to take care of themselves without the man (this was more true back in the old days when women worked less and didn’t receive much education).

    • marie jones

      That is a true statement. It starts from childhood something happened and we may never know what it was.

  • Damon Young

    For your last question, it depends on how you define “worst.” For the job he’s been paid to do — keep the NFL owners rich, and make them richer — he might be the single best commissioner in sports. As long as the NFL brand and bottom line keeps growing, what incentive do they have to change? Basically, as long as we keep watching/going to games in record numbers, Goodell will continue to have a job. A $44 million dollar a year job.

  • Roger Goodell is terrible and he needs to go. He’s made so many missteps. Bomani Jones made a great point by saying if he had suspended Rice for the year to begin with then the backlash wouldn’t be so bad now and Rice’s career wouldn’t be in jeopardy. The mismanagement of this whole thing by him and the Ravens organization is just sloppy. Also, I will defend Ray Rice, not against what he did, but against the people that say he should never play again. He made a terrible decision but I still believe he can move on from it and become a better person. He will sit the year out but should have every opportunity to come back after that. There are players in the league that have done far worse with hardly an eye batted (Big Ben, Donte Stallworth), but the presence of video and social media made the backlash unavoidable. Sad situation at the end of the day. (Sidenote: the category 5 storm of incomprehension is so accurate. Every time a story comes out like this so many people with too much education and not enough common sense write these hyperbolic and illogical tweets and think pieces it just makes me mad)

    • kid video

      Ray Ray is not only paying for his sins, but the sins of others
      before him.

      • Val

        How so? It seems to me he was getting off pretty lightly, 2 game suspension, until yesterday and the release of the new video.

        • Epsilonicus

          He was gonna end up with less than Big Ben

          • Val

            Yeah, that’s my point.

    • Facts. Ben Roethlisberger got caught r@ping broads and walked because the victim didn’t want to press charges. I can only hate Ray Rice but so much.

      • That still makes me mad to this day, about Ben

  • TJ

    A lot of people are quick to pass judgement on Janay Rice for staying pre and post incident. People do not understand the psychology of abuse. Abuse, in all it’s forms, is debilitating to the abused. Trust me, she’s not staying for the money (Which Ray Rice has quite a lot of, despite being cut.). A lot of women are being abused by men who have a lot less to their names. It’s more than money. If stability is one of the reasons why she stays isn’t because of greed or being a “gold digger”. The abuse may be so extensive that she’s being controlled to a point where she’s not allowed to generate income for herself, doesn’t have access to accounts or financial information, or alienated from her loved ones some much she can’t seek help if she wanted. Financial abuse is real too.

    Despite the firing, the NFL as a whole missed an opportunity when this story first broke earlier in the year. They only fired him, because PR took a huge hit today. It shouldn’t have taken the leaking of a video for a firing. Ray Rice should’ve been fired and relegated to doing Cash for Gold commercials for the rest of his life. I’m not praising the NFL and the Ravens organization for doing what they’re supposed to do. I challenge the NFL to tackle this issue as a whole. Ray isn’t the first, nor is he the last.

    As for the convergence that happened on Twitter today…hot mess.

    Another question that should be asked: If Janay Rice files for divorce at any point in the future, how will the public react to her decision? When she decided to stay, a good chunk of people were like, “She’s weak. She’s only staying for the money. She’s trying to make it work for her daughter.” I hope these same good chunk of people don’t flip the script if she ever decides to leave, saying “She ain’t loyal. The well ran dry and so did she. She’s destroying the [black] family.” I feel she’s going to be criticized no matter what she does next…which is wrong.

    • nillalatte

      “People do not understand the psychology of abuse. Abuse, in all it’s
      forms, is debilitating to the abused. …The abuse may be so
      extensive that she’s being controlled to a point where she’s not allowed
      to generate income for herself, doesn’t have access to accounts or
      financial information, or alienated from her loved ones some much she
      can’t seek help if she wanted. Financial abuse is real too.”

      THIS deserved to be stated again.

    • Objection

      People do not understand the psychology of abuse.

      This sword can cut both ways. She blames psychology for staying in the relationship. He blames psychology for abusing her. As William Shakespeare once said, “even the devil can cite scripture for his purpose.”

      If Janay Rice files for divorce at any point in the future, how will the public react to her decision?

      I call a spade a spade. Some people are willing to take abuse for money. Psychology probable has nothing to do with her actions.

    • goddiss

      I’m sorry but someone please explain to me why this grown woman is being painted as some helpless, defenseless victim. Did you not see her hit him? He was wrong, but so was she. I mean she married him for goodness sake. I don’t feel sorry for her. If she doesn’t care, why should we? He got a 2 game suspension and it was done. But now he’s jobless. I bet Janay isn’t too happy about that and if he is this abusive monster, then I hope he doesn’t take it out on her which he will if he is truly abusive. We should have all just let it go. And how in the heck does TMZ manage to get this stuff?

      • HRPuffingstuff

        I am siding with your thoughts. I have to wonder about others that have encountered abuse and decided not to succumb into the valley of despair. Too many excuses are being laid to an adult that chose to remain with an athlete that physically assaulted her. She’s an adult with a kid. It is time to make thoughtful decisions and choices. How do we differentiate mental despair from dumb unwise decision?

        • nillalatte

          Did you ever think the kid is a factor in her choices?

          • HRPuffingstuff

            I think she is the only factor in her choices. She is the one that should consider how this will affect her kid.

            • nillalatte

              Then you have no idea.

              Ray Rice should consider how his actions affect their children.

              Dismissed. Thanks for playing. :)

        • PhlyyPhree

          Have all the decisions you’ve made in life been the best decisions you’ve ever made?
          Are there no decisions that you regret?
          Have emotions never played a factor in any of your decisions?

          Now. Do you have another person ENTIRELY and WHOLLY dependent on any of those decisions that you make?

          It is SO SO SO SO easy to say what she could ahve done or should have done. By no means am I excusing ANYONE who has played a part in this situation. That means, not Ray, not Janay, not Goodell or the court of public opinion (because yes, they have played a HUGE part in this situation, don’t EVER tell me the internet is not real)
          What I AM doing is not judging any of her decisions because thank God, I don’t have to make those types of decisions or weight those factors anymore.

      • Well, TMZ gets this stuff since most people do not have any respect for privacy. Under normal circumstances the idea that a website can pretty much nab a video from a “private” hotel is extremely bothersome, but welcome to our times.

        No one knows exactly why Janay is staying, people having been providing a ton of rationalizations disguised as psychological determinism to explain why she’s there, this is just the opposing polar extreme of people who think Janay was at fault for the whole thing. Fact is she stayed, and most people stay in such situations. People can lament or claim standards and rules, but most people are scared of being alone and have difficulties leaving the routine life of relationships, so they stay. And it’s not just in relationships, happens in business, families, friendship and just life in general…people endure unnecessary pain all the time. Calling it Domestic Violence, Abuse, or anything else deemed to gather more emotion than normal is simply propagating the cause of something rather than the actual event among the individuals.

        At the end of the day, she’s got a daughter with the dude and that means more than public opinion, despite what people might think of the statistics of abuse and the rest. I don’t think that makes her stupid, especially since despite all the people who are rooting for the demise of Ray Rice, few if any are going to be there while her or both him and her choose to raise their family. Even fewer care much about her outside of the fact that she serves a means to an end of the cause of DV. It’s the same thing that happened with the girls from the Tip Drill video, yeh people claimed they were fighting for them, but few if any ever thought the need to address them or offer them a better alternative. Spectacles are rarely ever about the individual participants.

        • Even fewer care much about her outside of the fact that she serves a
          means to an end of the cause of DV. It’s the same thing that happened
          with the girls from the Tip Drill video, yeh people claimed they were
          fighting for them, but few if any ever thought the need to address them
          or offer them a better alternative. Spectacles are rarely ever about the
          individual participants.

          That’s the thing that irks me about such issues. Also, I think there’s a real desire for catharsis for those who are victimized by things like this. It’s a lot easier to get mad at Ray Rice or Chris Brown or whatever public figure who gets caught up in a mess like this than to confront the perpetrators of violence in their own lives. I find it funny how domestic violence is so hated on, yet so few people catch cases, let alone do serious time.

          I think it’s just another case of women just choosing random men to vent their anger at as opposed to making the men who hurt them suffer the consequences. It’s pretty easy to act tough to a stranger. It’s much hard to gun for the ones close to you. But that’s none of my business…

          • It’s an envy thing too; I knew that once Seth Rogen said he didn’t think Ray Rice should ever play football again. I wonder if Ray Rice was a janitor, would people be saying “I hope he never gets to mop a bathroom floor, or sweep an office again!”

            A lot of people view the NFL job as a job of privilege, compared to most of us who work jobs of “necessity” (aka neo-feudalism is already in place psychologically amongst most of us in principle, it just hasn’t been announced yet), so the idea that a guy who hits his wife, then gets a light punishment and still gets to keep her, is just too much for people…he has got to pay some way or some how…regardless of if his family breaks up and his daughter has to live in a broken home.

            Some of the best friends I’ve ever had were people who I had brutal fights with, including someone who spat in my face because of a really mean momma joke I said back in the day. When you have a deep connection to someone you see them as a whole person, it’s difficult to just reduce their life to the summation of 5 mins of video. That’s a luxury the public has, but she doesn’t. But of course, once you throw out terms like Domestic Violence, Abuse, Psychopathy and you add personal stories of abuse to the mix, people quickly forget that it’s about the individuals, and not about the abstract groups who are going back and forth over the issue.

            And for the record, we’ve really become a nation of Euphemisms (R.I.P. George Carlin), DV – really has to do with man’s violence on woman in a romantic context, despite the fact that legally we can’t say that because it’s blatantly unequal, we all know it to be true. When we see vidoes like this for instance, neither the term DV nor the emotions attached to it are triggered:

            http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xh8LPA6rMjA

            • You’re absolutely right about the football being a privilege thing. On the flip side, I say heavy is the head that wears the crown. You knew going in that people are going to look at you as a privileged member of society. While you’re getting compensated handsomely for the privilege, you also can’t act surprised that people are asking a lot of you for that. TANSTAAFL

              With domestic violence, I’m a bit more sanguine than you are. I think people get that A Woman can beat A Man, but not that women can beat men, if that makes sense. In other words, I do think people can objectively look as a specific case and see that a woman has been physically abusive to a man, but they can’t generalize that case into society. Then again, actively fighting abuse in society, instead of grandstanding against it, is a yeoman’s job regardless of gender. I’m not exactly holding my breath for a better day.

              • Funny thing is I don’t see football as a privilege thing. Fact is that Ray Rice was what 5’8, and made it into the NFL, that means he had to bust his ass. The idea that’s it’s a privilege, is due to public opinion, not reality. But like I said above, too many of us have bought into the feudalistic mindset, where we believe that any position you have in society is assigned to you, and your individual effort makes little difference…but that’s a whole different story.

                Violence to me is violence, it doesn’t matter who or what the participants are. Like I’ve said in the past the gap between Shaq and Kevin Hart in a fight is larger than the average man and woman; yet if Shaq beat up Kevin Hart there wouldn’t be near as much outrage, compared to seeing an average man beat up an average woman regardless of the context. It has less to do with strength, and more to do with the fact that we just don’t want to see it, which is why the term Domestic Violence exists (which by it’s very nature subjectivizes violence itself: one can’t be objective and subjective at the same exact time, something has to give). It’s fine, it is what it is, but lets just be upfront about it.

              • moderation

          • Wild Cougar

            You’re right, it’s none of your business, because you don’t know what the fcuk you are talking about. You really need to stop projecting your own issues onto other people. You have NO idea whether the people being hard on him have those issues in their lives. Your issues are your own. Fix yourself.

            Also, the “you can do x but you can’t do y” line of argument needs to be retired. It’s false equivalence, tired, distraction and basically ignant.

  • PunchDrunkLove

    I think people become mistaken and ready to unneccessarily jump when you aren’t in a corner screaming Janay! That not an automatic stance that you DONT wish better for her. Yes, she’s a victim of DV, but she goes off and marry him. At that point you have to allow people to live and deal with choices until they’re ready. I cannot excuse enablers, but I’m not judging either. It’s her plight, she married him. If she won’t see him for the scum that he is, then all the rallying in her defence is futile. The bottom line subsequent to the event, she turned around and married him. Whether a mental issue, for security, for co-dependency, whatever the reason, it’s hers to deal with it. She’s not occupying the gf/babymama status any longer, she went deep and married this joker.

    If she were my sister, I’d buy her a wedding gift, tell her my thoughts, but allow her the room to “see” cause apparently she’s not looking straight….and pray for her safety. Not until she was ready to do something, take action, I would stay out of married folks’ business that walked in eyes wide open. It’s a different story when someone finds out after the fact, that their SO was abusive. Even in this scenario, I would find it hard to believe. An abuser is just that, and at the first opportunity he gets to project fear into you, he’s going to do it. She would have to come to understand, staying, getting married, having babies is saying it’s okay. If there weren’t channels available to help in these type situations, okay….but there are, so it’s not okay.

    As far as Ray, outside of what should be done to him legally, I’d looove to see him get the brakes beat off of him, for physical abuse he rendered. Not only that, but on the mother of his child, the woman he took vows with. I can’t say the woman he loves, because that has yet to be evident. Love ain’t abuse. And to spit on her, is lower than low. Folks don’t even spit on dogs.

    If he was my brother, I’d openly show a solidarity with Janay, I’d be her encouragement to leave, I’d give her a place to stay, I’d help her get the help she needs. But only after she’s willing and ready. I wouldn’t disown him, but I wouldn’t have anything to do with him…unless he got the help he needed, unless he turned himself in….I would send a strong message that it’s not okay. And after all the hoopla and hoorays in getting let go, what now? Hitting him in his pockets won’t change his character. He was let go…so what? Now, if he never signs another deal and don’t change, he’ll just be a broke abuser.

  • PunchDrunkLove

    Release my post, please

  • Aaron

    Love Question 2. Reactionary culture has caused society to automatically adopt the “make them hurt as bad as possible and you win” approach, but I’m not sold. Obvs, what Ray did was irreversible and disgusting. But instead of just shunning, why not surround and support? Not, shoulder-to-cry-on support, but support in helping him do all he can to help himself and others learn from his situation. If he’s my friend/brother/etc, I give him some space to think for himself for a bit. Then I challenge him to take responsibility, get off his ass, and do all he can (speaking engagements, visiting schools/forums/groups/churches/etc, starting a DV support group, whatever) to make a positive imprint on the issue. I’d challenge him to use his celebrity to bring about change, and prevent the next man (and woman) from going through the same.

    • Epsilonicus

      The thing is, he did not do any of that after he got caught. None of it. All he did was speak twice. Thats it. So he missed his opportunity. If that video had come out but he was supporting House of Ruth and doing what you said, he might still be in the NFL.

  • NomadaNare

    “If Ray Rice is your son, brother, friend, or teammate, what do you do?”

    If that’s really your boy and you love him like a brother, you tell him what needs to be said because being an abuser doesn’t relieve you of your humanity. Family ain’t afraid to hurt family’s feelings especially when it’s as serious as this. You let him know that if he ever puts his hands on another person in anger outside of football (especially a woman), and not in defense of anyone, in his life, you will make sure to beat him to within an inch of it, and this for his own good. He has too much riding upon his physicality and if he intends to have a long successful career, you tell him that he should go get help for his anger issues. You tell him that if Palmer really is the one, they should go to therapy together and really talk about what happened, why it happened, and to make sure that it never happens again. If she’s not, then divorce her quickly and move on, otherwise you will likely hit her again.

    “At what point are we shaming Palmer for deciding to not only partially blame herself for what took place in the elevator but also marrying him shortly afterward?”

    Abuse isn’t always abuse. I know that last sentence doesn’t make sense, but it does when you’ve been there. I won’t say she’s right or even sane, but I’ve been there and I understand what that situation probably looks like to her. She will probably never see her husband/fiance as an abuser, he just made a mistake that he won’t make again until she’s unconscious on the floor the next time unless they really take the time to sit down and work through it together.

    • Rachmo

      This is the right response

      • The problem is that I’m not sure anyone will hear this. We live in a country where we presume that criminals aren’t humans, they get shocked when they are r@ped and abused on the regular. I just hope those who are still in Ray Rice’s corner get to him on this. Considering how many r@pists and pedos have likely been On The Banks, I can’t hate him but so much. I just hope he gets help, and that he does it as quietly as possible for a public figure.

        • Rachmo

          His family/friends/whomever loves him need to have a real sit down chit chat with him. Like okay we’ll talk about that money later but wtf is going on with you? Like, what were you thinking? From the way he stood over her nonplussed, I could tell he needs REAL help.

          • That’s why I took one look at the comments being upvoted on the other post and did the dip. You can respect someone’s rights and humanity while not cosigning the behavior. I do hope that someone just talks to him on the real. The thing is it HAS to be someone close to him, because I’m not sure that he’d listen to an outsider OR that an outsider would actually listen to him. I just hope he gets it together, man. :(

            • Rachmo

              Also if I were one of his boys I would spend a LOT of time digging into whether or not this was the first time. If he said not this had happened a few times I don’t know what I would do. My first thought would be punching the shyt out of him and just abandoning the situation. But either way, he needs to get help cuz no.

              • Interesting, the closest parallel to this situation to me has to do with a female friend (and no I don’t mean “friend”). Long story short, I found out she had did something horrible to people despite being someone who helped me out in the clutch so many times. If I were Ray Rice’s friend, I would have to ask questions and do a lot of soul searching myself. Remember, horrible people can do wonderful things and vice versa. I can’t speak on that relationship, but I do know humanity is a very complicated thing. I just hope for the best.

              • Epsilonicus

                Its funny, as I move closer to being a parent, the less tolerance I have for folks in my life. I am finding it really easy to cut people off because I do not want them around my kid. A friend like Ray Rice would get dropped with the quickness. I would wish him well et al, but he could not be in my circle. Period. I had folks who I thought were cool but said some ill ish on Ferguson, drop them with the quickness. Yo I can’t have it. Not around my kid.

                • Rachmo

                  That’s totally understandable.

                • afronica

                  Do you ever think that your social circle is going to be very small? No snark, real Q.

                  • Epsilonicus

                    What do you mean? Provide some context please?

                    • afronica

                      Never mind. It may have been a stupid Q.

                    • Epsilonicus

                      It might not. I just might not get it

                    • Lea Thrace

                      Maybe she is asking you if you cut people of easily, you wont have many people left around?

                    • Epsilonicus

                      That is a risk. However whats the risk to my kid? You have to weigh those.

                    • Val

                      I don’t think kids need to only be around “good” people. I think they need to see the good and bad in people so they can have good judgement about folks when they grow up. They just need to have good parents to guide them and talk to them.

                    • Epsilonicus

                      Ehh you can say that because you are not a parent. There is no way I am having my child around physically violent people. There is no way I am having my child around folks who are actively using drugs. We can talk all those issues. From afar. Nope. Not at all.

                    • Val

                      Lol. You are talking about some serious extremes. I wasn’t suggesting you have your kid around murderers and drug addicts. I’m referencing you saying you are cutting people out of your life. I’m assuming they were not murderers and drug addicts but just flawed people.

                    • Epsilonicus

                      But even that kind of thinking I don’t want influencing my child. It does not mean we don’t talk about it. But I do not want that kind of person around my kid influencing them. You can be a great parent but those things can seep in. If I got a homeboy who believes in smacking people, or believes in respectability politics, it just ain’t happening.

                    • Willow

                      Sounds like you’re not experienced in the field of kids either. It is unrealistic to remove your child from nothing but “good” people. I’m always tickled when people come into procreating with granduers of delusions. The more you attempt to isolate your child, the more running against the wind you will find yourself. The best thing you can give your child is humility, never being superior to others, knowing right from wrong, how to make right decisions and how to exist with people from all walks of life.
                      I would advise, having raised children, to keep antiobiotics, a great pediatrician, and an open mind….unless you plan to leave on an island alone or in a bubble. Good luck with that

      • Midnight

        Why, because it’s what you would have said? There are no “right answers.” Seems the world is speaking on this issue. Not sure how you’ve concluded with which opinions are right versus wrong.

        • Rachmo

          Whatever

  • lovebabz

    Anything we love can be saved…. and I am sure Mrs. Rice believes this… I believe it for her. I was a young girl when my dad hit my mom so hard it broke her nose. No, she didn’t leave… that came much later. You see all an abused person wants is the abuse to stop. The person they love is still that lovable person underneath all that pain, old wounds, childhood haunts and wounds. The abused see glimpses of the love that drew them in… the charm, the care and concern and that’s the thread they hold onto.I want things to be how they could be… and so they stay because they believe that if only the abuse stopped love could resume.
    The NFL has a problem on its hands and they can’t fire it away. We can’t throw people away as some sort of tool that will reshape behavior. We must come to this conversation with compassion for both of them… otherwise what’s the point?

  • GemmieBoo

    in looking at this post and a host of other conversations around the social media realm, i fail to see how Janay’s “public” reaction to the abuse and her marriage to Ray Rice after the casino incident is of any relevance to Ray Rice’s abuse and the consequences he’s faced as a result. considering nearly 75% of domestic violence victims are killed for trying to leave or after having left their partners, Janay staying and “apologizing” for her “role” in her abuse may very well have been the safest thing for her to do.

    • Val

      Yeah this blaming Janay thing is old. But, that’s what abusers do, whether they are the ones causing the actual physical pain or the ones just sitting in the peanut gallery blaming the victim. It’s all abuse.

      • GemmieBoo

        girl yes. these women are abused by their partners, by their family/friends who encourage them to stay and “work it out” or “get over it because he’s [fill in the blank]”, by the people who think they deserved their abuse, by the people who think theyre weak for staying (or being unsuccessful in leaving), by the people who dont believe them, by the people who think theyre doing it for attention. no wonder 1 in 4 abused women attempt suicide. smfh

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