Foods Your Bitch Ass Better Not Bring To A Memorial Day Cookout » VSB

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Foods Your Bitch Ass Better Not Bring To A Memorial Day Cookout

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1. Tossed salad

Because no one — not even the fire ants and mosquitoes sharing an all-inclusive buffet on your ashy ankles — wants to eat your soggy-ass, lettuce the color of beef and broccoli Timberlands-ass, tossed salad at a fucking cookout.

2. Tuna salad

The only thing shittier than your StarKist and mayonnaise and macaroni after four hours in the 89 degree heat is your idea to bring StarKist and mayonnaise and macaroni to a gotdamn cookout.

3. That shit you tried to make last night that you never made before but thought to try making

This is a cookout, not one of your game nights where everyone fellates you for bringing those cucumber burritos Barefoot Contessa taught you to make. Because it’s a game night and all anyone really cares about is the post-Taboo twerk contest. But people expect to actually eat the dishes people bring to cookouts.

4. Your bitch-ass fruit salad

There’s nothing wrong with fruit salad filled with happy fruit salad fruit, like watermelon and pineapples and other types of random chunky melons. Everyone loves happy fruit salad. But don’t be the paragon of bitchassness who prepares a bowl of grapes and bananas and has the audacity to expect people to eat it.

5. Off brand meats

This means your chicken livers, your meatloafs, your fried bolognas, and every other bitch-ass quasi meat only six-year-olds with abusive great aunts should ever eat.

6. Your leftovers

New Rule: Bring a two-week old bowl of baked beans to a cookout and get beat with it.

7. Shit you brought just enough of so only you can eat it

This is cool if you have some type of bitch-ass dietary restrictions and don’t want to subject everyone to it. But, don’t be the asshole who brings something everyone likes — crab legs, shrimp cocktail, prime rib, weed brownies etc — but only brings enough so your bitch-ass is the only one who can eat it.

8. Potato salad if you’re not an officially certified and verified potato salad maker

This is more for your own good than everyone else’s. Because one glance at your soggy-ass, giant-ass potato chunks in the salad-ass “potato salad” will make people want to throw you in the lake. And if there’s no lake near by, they’ll go on Google maps, find the nearest lake, drive you and your analog potato salad to it, and kick you both off a pier.

Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a columnist for GQ.com And he's working on a book of essays to be published by Ecco (HarperCollins). Damon is busy. He lives in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes. Reach him at damon@verysmartbrothas.com. Or don't. Whatever.

  • 9. ANYTHING VEGAN
    10. SH*TTY BEER
    11. OFF BRAND SODA

    • LMNOP

      Name brand soda is vegan.
      I mean, I would think/ hope so at least.

      • Lola

        haaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahaha

    • Nick Peters

      what if the off brand soda is grape?

      • Baemie St. Patrick

        Don’t bring Dr. McThunder brand to the picnic, grape or not. At that point it’s not pop. It’s a fizzy grape drink.

        • kris b.

          You called it pop! You get points. Midwesterner?

          • Baemie St. Patrick

            I am. But I even called it pop when I was living in Arkansas. Soda doesn’t even sound right coming out of my mouth.

            • uniquebeauty79

              LOL, in the south (Alabama) it’s sometimes called “a drank”….when my fam from NY came down and heard one of the kids say they need a drank, she almost flipped her wig!!! LOL

              • AlwaysCC

                lol everything is dranks and you just specify the flavor! #southernbelle

                • uniquebeauty79

                  LOL, I knew someone else on this thread knew what I was talking about.

              • Saint

                I would flip too.

            • Squish

              Agreed.

              Soda comes before “crackers” and after “baking.”

              The only time it’s okay to say “soda” in reference to pop is if you’re drinking cream soda.

              “Cream pop” just doesn’t sound right to me.

              • Nick Peters

                …or if your normal…Ive gotten into this argument plenty of times

              • Baemie St. Patrick

                DASSIT.

              • Saint

                Maybe where YOU’RE from…

                • Squish

                  Exactly.

                  Normalville.

                  Where people call carbonated beverages “pop,” like normal people. Lol.

                  • Saint

                    Sure… okay. lol If you think so.

                    • Squish

                      Lol. That was chuckle-worthy and you know it. Lol.

                    • Saint

                      Indeed it was. lol

          • Isis LaShawn Hardy

            I’m from OHIO but I switch back and forth with pop and soda.

        • Squish Shelton

          Period.

          However, the ONLY acceptable off-brand pop allowed at a Pittsburgh cookout is Faygo. And that’s not so much off-brand as it is “not Pepsi.”

          But NOT “cola.” ANY other flavor, but not “cola.”

          • Baemie St. Patrick

            I wouldn’t consider Faygo off brand. It is allowed!

            • Nick Peters

              Michigan @$$

              • Baemie St. Patrick

                You spelled Missouri wrong.

          • Isis LaShawn Hardy

            Here in Ohio, we go for Faygo or Cotton Club as far as off brands go.

            • Squish

              I totally forgot about Cotton Club.

              Food Club was a generic staple at cookouts when I was a kid.

              Along with the Black and White brand chips. Lol.

    • Maximillian

      The off/store brand soda is usually for the kids. The real is in the adult cooler under the beer

      • Isis LaShawn Hardy

        The kids in my family don’t even get soda. They get those cheap ass Little Huggies juice thingies.

    • LPH

      No Chek Cola??? lol

      • cakes_and_pies

        That is a Southern staple at BBQs

    • HeyBooHey

      The presence of off brand soda is so common at Haitian parties, it’s a shock when you spot a can of real coca-cola. Just gotta drink fast before the fizz leaves your cup

      • Heema

        Off brand soda is bomb sometimes! Especially that tiki punch or whatever. Smack city!!

    • What BBQs do you go to where negros can stock up on brand name soda? In my experience, they’ll get the bomb sodas, but those bullsh*t preformed patties for burgers. NO. JUST NO.

    • Nick Peters

      Rock Creek soda all day….

      If you like it you can get banana flavored soda

    • Heema

      If you bring vegan food you will be sent home immediately.

    • tiffanybbrown

      C&C is the only acceptable off-brand soda, especially if it is black cherry flavor.*

      (*Acknowledges that this rule only applies to the New York tri-state area.)

    • Sonia

      How else Ima get a black cherry soda??

      • Mohana Dancer

        Sh sh sh Shasta!

    • Cleojonz

      Hey the off brand flavored sodas are delish though- I don’t mind a good generic orange or grape lol.

      • AlwaysCC

        that pineapple can only be found in off-brand sodas lol

    • Tammie

      Is Miller High Life considered sh!tty beer? I’m just saying, I like it, no LOVE it!
      When I’m over to my sisters, she drinks Heineken. She always tells me I got one on ice, so good…. she gets me every time.
      I
      CAN’T
      STAND
      HEINEKEN
      and my girlfriend recently boasted about Raging B!tch. Another set-up.

      My second choice is Colt 45. Not apologizing, just what it is!

  • Lola

    officially ….certified ……….and verified
    potato
    salad
    maker

    #muerte

    • I don’t even EAT potato salad, and I know this is real. LOL

  • ChellZ

    This is pretty legit.

  • When in doubt, bring liquor. That’s how I live.

    • MostlyMax

      Also. No one gets mad if you bring booze.

      • I hate beer. I have a friend that keeps bringing beer to my place and whenever there is an event, he knows he is the only person to drink it, but he still tries to get credit for bringing it. My go-to is always rum, whiskey, or wine (and tequila for the events that you know are going to get out of hand).

        • uniquebeauty79

          That’s why he brings beer, lol. It’s what HE wants and apparently he didn’t listen in Pre-K when they were doing the sharing lesson….

        • I have been sliding through events with the Crown Apple. Everyone wins!

        • Mildred Adolphus

          I bring beer and I don’t drink. Thanks but others do. Usually I bring something I can eat. I don’t eat everyone’s cooking.

        • MostlyMax

          Boo on that. I bring hard likka or wine. Vodka, Rum, Scotch or Tequila over everything

          • You can never go wrong with rum. It’s the best of everything (says the island girl).

            • MostlyMax

              Bajan in the house. Rum. The end.

        • ChiChi

          He gets all the side-eyes. It’s fine to bring something you know you like if you’re worried about options….just make sure you bring something else you know 90% of everyone else will like and enough of it.

    • KB

      I would like to add an addendum that it must be a full/previously unopened bottle of alcohol. I cannot tell you how many times I’ve seen ninjas bring a half empty (there is no such thing as the optimistic half-full in this case) bottle of libations to a cookout and are then surprised by the looks of consternation from the attendees.

      • I actually don’t have an issue with people bringing liquor that has already been opened as long as the amount still in the bottle is appropriate for the amount of guests present (or they bring more than one opened bottle… basically, I don’t mind if you clean out your liquor cabinet and bring all that good sht to me). Weird? Maybe.

        • KB

          Unless it’s a hard to find bottle aka Henny white, this is a no-no in my book.

          • People are bringing Pure White to your cookouts? Please kindly drop the address below lol (In all seriousness though that drink is overrated…though I might get burned at the stake for saying this.)

            • Lola

              all hennessey is overrated. #factz

              • mizz new money 2u

                True

            • Demetrius Jordan

              All so called “White Liquor” is overrated. It is the equivalent of serving undercooked chicken. Its liquor that hasn’t been allowed to age, and so it hasn’t picked up the color of the barrels yet. It’s quicker and cheaper to make but they charge you more for it.

              • missmack

                White liquor is distilled that’s why it’s clear. The color in brown liquor also come from impurities.

                • schnook11

                  The color of brown liquor

                  comes from being aged in wood barrels, not from impurities.

                  Trust me.

                  • isonprize

                    the color of “GOOD” brown liquor comes from being aged in wood barrels.

                    • Pesimistichope

                      True that there some cheap stuff with food coloring

                • Pesimistichope

                  Yea uhmm I have worked at Breweries and with distillers the lack of color is it was not aged if you have liquor that has color because of impurities you will probably go blind drinking it. No really You hella wrong.

      • Mohana Dancer

        Omg I had brought a date to my uncle’ birthday cookout one time and the fool cracked open the GIFT bottle of vsop Hennessy and drank straight out of it. I wanted to bust the rest of it over his head.

        • KB

          I have no reply to this epic level of f*ckery, but i have to ask, how was the situation handled?

          • Mohana Dancer

            The guy didn’t ever get another date with me, my uncle just laughed when he found out, and everyone else who saw what he did, treated him real stank for the rest of the cookout. Lol

        • eyezee

          that’s what you get for dating a gangsta thug

          • Mohana Dancer

            Uh no. A so called “gangsta” would’ve the etiquette on that. This was just an ignorant assed retail worker who apparently never been anywhere before. Kinda like you.

            • Audrey Whitaker

              Your uncle is a sweetheart cause that could have been taken to a whole other not so nice place! ????

            • eyezee

              It’s even sadder that you KNOW what a gangsta’s etiquette would be like at a family event.

              • Mohana Dancer

                What’s sad is that you think you belong in this conversation. Ha!

                • eyezee

                  Well, I’m not a thug or a gangsta; so, maybe you’re correct.

                  • Mohana Dancer

                    Let it go last word freak.

        • Plb

          Had to sign in just to lol ur comment!

        • Julie Mango TheGladiator Staff

          I know you dumped his tacky self-drank from the bottle in front of your family?!?!?!

          • Mohana Dancer

            Omg yes. He was GONE. I was looking for a new man AT the party. Lol

            • Askia ‘Ski’ Ahmad Smith

              You sound like one bougie bitch, I’m assuming you’re still looking for a man huh? lol

              • Random passerby

                … :/ lol you sound so insecure.

              • Jennifer

                You’re kidding, right? Let’s skip the fact that the bottle was a gift, and that he went straight for the good stuff. Maybe he didn’t know. But, that grown a$$ ninja drank STRAIGHT from the bottle with his germs at a party hosted by someone he didn’t know. That’s all kinds of ignorant. If dumping him makes her bougie, then call me bougie too. You wouldn’t be the first.

                • Mohana Dancer

                  He was well aware it was a gift, which was why I was so mad.

              • This shot was so uncalled for smh

              • Gigi Sev

                you must be the ignorant negro that drank out of the henny bottle

              • Pesimistichope

                Wow IDK you madame and I try not to judge from a single comment made on a internet thread but you sound HELLA IGNANT, no really. You ain’t one of the girls that hop at Target in your Pajamas in the middle of the day are you cuz you sound like you might be.

        • Saint

          Bruh!

      • ..,..and stop taking it back home with you.

        • MzzPeaches

          I had to check a former friend who let her then boyfriend take my big bottle of 1800 tequila (one of my faves that was gifted that night) home from my bday party. Just no type of home training whatsoever smh

          • Julie Mango TheGladiator Staff

            Wait-WHAT?!?!
            What excuse did they have? That’s bananas!

            • MzzPeaches

              Some mess about “oh my bad girl, we didn’t think you were gone drink it”. Bihhhh, you know better! They saw me putting those shots away like school free lunch that night. And even if I wasn’t gone drink it, it was MY bottle specifically gifted by another guest for MY bday.

              Then had the balls to ask if they could have a bottle of gin that was left unopened at the party cause they know I don’t drink that O_o

              • Pesimistichope

                That was not your friend that was two thief at the party.

              • mizz new money 2u

                Broke people

          • That’s grounds for a permanent unfriending. And I would get the bottle back best believe. Don’t play about the liquor.

          • Cula J.

            I’ve throat punched people for less. Way less.

      • Billy Love

        Tru DAT!

        • sean

          that’s what you get for dating a gangsta thug More like a
          FuckTard !

      • mizz new money 2u

        Ghetto

    • miss t-lee

      a quality bottle, at that.

      • Lol so no Sauza tequila or Calypso rum?

        • miss t-lee

          You already know.

    • victorbradley

      Melissa, I don’t know you, or anything about you but this comment, but you’re invited to every function I have until the end of time. Your descendants shall sip gin and gnaw ribs with my descendants, our chicken shall be your chicken and our ground beef shall be held in common.

      • Stacy Fitzgerald-Redd

        Hilarious!

      • Always down to sip some gin. I’ll bring the limes and tonic.

    • Martica Jordon

      the responses to this thread are so great, they should have their own article.

      • Mohana Dancer

        I sent people here just to read the comments Lol!

  • Nick Peters

    Fried Chicken with no Mambo Sauce…
    Anything Gluten Free
    Chitlins or pigs feet (I don’t care what you old N!ggas say)

    Anything with peanuts or shell fish because I am allergic to both…you should see the new girlfriend cold sweats… ish is hilarious

    • KB

      If anyone evah brings chitlins to a cookout I am hosting then they will be dragged out into the street, shot in the leg, and forced to listen to Iggy Azalea on repeat while they slowly bleed.

      • Nick Peters

        I was thinking look @ a picture of the new Iggy…it looks like some one cut a cue ball in half and super glued it to the bottom of her chin

    • First of all, all meats are gluten free by default. Avoid cheap BBQ sauces, season it properly and watch the gluten-free crowd prosper. But this mambo sauce shenanigans needs to cease more than 50 miles from the Capitol. Just no. I’ll beat your a$$ with a baseball bat while rocking a Bryce Harper jersey if you pull that crap on me.

      • Nick Peters

        Don’t make me take that drive up I-95…I have a hookup where i can get 16 oz of Mambo Sauce of 5 dollars…and a WHOLE summer

      • V the Fashionista

        Potato salad is gluten free too, as well as corn on the cob, baked beans and any grilled veggies and fruit really. I’d rather fill up on meat than fill up on rolls and buns anyway.

      • Wild Cougar

        I live in the DC area and I’ve never seen mambo sauce outside chinese restaurants so this is bunk

        • Nick Peters

          Im from DC and whenever anyone brings Mambo Sauce to the stop/cookout everyone gets excited

          • TeeChantel

            I had chicken wings w/Mambo Sauce at Ben’s Next Door a couple of weeks ago. I wasn’t that impressed. Perhaps they cooked it wrong? Me know no.

            • Nick Peters

              its just a DC thing…

              • TeeChantel

                Must be.

    • Allywood

      Nooooo I’m gluten free and I be searching for those items. On the hunt like “is this gluten free? What you make this with?” LOL Just like your allergies, gluten does the same thing to me.

      • Nick Peters

        You can go to the cookout with the white peoples…or sit at the kids table

        • Allywood

          hahaaaa. don’t hate on us with different food allergies.

    • miss t-lee

      who has chitlins at a bbq?

      • Nick Peters

        My Family

  • All fruit salad is trash.

    • HeyBooHey

      Wrong. Let the right person put you onto some well-made drunken fruit salad and watch your life become greater with each bite

      • Nope. All the intermixing of the juices makes it taste horrible and worst people always put bland a** melons all up in it. Rather just buy a bag of sliced mangoes from the Dominicans.

        • HeyBooHey

          Lol that’s why I said the right person. Melons don’t go in that mix boo. But shout out to the Domis with the spicy mangoes on the block. I miss summertime NYC :-(

          • Nick Peters

            what?…you can buy fruit from the El Salvadoreans in DC

          • DiamondIsMyRealName

            Strawberries, blackberries, pineapples and some green grapes (this mixture can not be done wrong, as long as it’s fresh fruit)! let marinate overnight with a spash of liquor/wine…. Enjoy!! Edited to add Mango, but i personally can never get those right so i leave them out lol

        • Why do people do this?! Melons are garbage. Honey Dew, Cantalope, and Watermelons are rarely good.

          • Brandon Allen

            Melons are the worst. Just bland flesh trying to ride the coattails of more delicious fruit like mangoes and pineapple. FOH MELONS!

          • miss t-lee

            All of them.
            Hot garbage.

            I’d rather just get a fruit cup from the fruiteria, and call it done.

          • Johnny Morgan

            Missouri watermelons are usually sweet

      • NOLA_Shawn

        The problem with fruit salad is trying to intermingle fruits. Watermelons is really the only acceptable option at a summer bbq. You should buy two watermelons (one for the kids & one for the adults). The adult melon will have libations added and allowed to marinate thus leading to the old folks inappropriate turn-up after dark.

    • miss t-lee

      yeah. It’s pretty bad.
      Mostly because it’s melon, which I hate.

    • legitimate_soul

      Melon that has hella rind and isn’t ripe sucks. Something with pineapple, mango, and strawberries…YES. You can tell a quality fruit salad.

      • you can give me all that food separate where it hasn’t touched each other though.

    • Tammie

      I beg to differ honey! Go to Harris Teeter or Wegmans to get your fruit. I’ve done mixed combinations of watermelon, pineapple, strawberries, cantaloupe, honeydew, kiwi, grapes and a few squirts of lime, lemon and some minced mint….. drizzle with honey and voila! #fruitsalad #yumyummy #fruitsalad #inmytummy

      • PunchDrunkLove

        Right…I LOVE fruit salad, and you’re right if you get the right fruit, and ripened, it will turn out delish. I get mine from Publix. Can’t go wrong there. We don’t have a function catered at work where fruit salad isn’t included. It is ALWAYS good. The sweetest melons…..no watermelons ever added tho.

  • Baemie St. Patrick

    The worst part about #8 is that not only will they bring enough for themselves, they’ll bring it unprepared and expect the self-proclaimed grill master of the day to make it.

    • miss t-lee

      Ain’t nobody got time for that…lol

  • It’s interesting how this list is dominated by the salads. As we all remember from the Simpsons, you don’t make friends with salad! OK, off to plan this carnival day. And don’t forget to take a moment for the fallen. Thanks for your sacrifice.

  • I am the veggie tray person, people feel guilty when they see vegetables and they don’t eat them.

    Branching off of #3: If you can’t cook, do not feel obligated to bring food you made at home.That’s why chips, napkins and bakeries exist, to help you contribute to the party in a way that is safe for everyone.

    • mizz new money 2u

      Beer

  • KB

    Okay, since we are discussing cookouts of course we need to ask the all important question; charcoal or gas grill?

    • Charcoal if you care about taste.

      • You can cheat with gas if you hook it up right. Plus not everyone knows what they’re doing with charcoal. A charcoal grill is not a glorified stove thanks!

        • Nick Peters

          Charcoal is better….the experience is part of grilling

      • KB

        I’m starting to more and more prefer the ease and simplicity of gas grills over charcoal. Plus you don’t have to worry about keeping the damn flame going.

        Fight me

        • miss t-lee

          Yeah, can’t get with this.

        • Wild Cougar

          No smoke flavor or char on your chicken and I’m not gonna eat it. I won’t eat a hot dog that’s not burnt so put “gas grilling heathen” on your invite so I know not to come.

          • PunchDrunkLove

            This made me laugh….yup!

          • DiamondIsMyRealName

            This burnt hotdog/sausage dog is all i ever really need in the summer!! Yaaaasss honey!

    • Lola

      charcoal.
      but it will give us cancer *shrug*

      • FourQ

        Fuckin’ everything gives someone cancer, somewhere.

        • Lol@ “I rather die at a bbq, than smoking a cigarette. “

      • Wild Cougar

        tasty, tasty cancer

    • I stays in the kitchen but I do want to become a grill master one day just to say I am one.

    • Michelle James

      Charcoal and without lighter fluid

      • PunchDrunkLove

        Please and thank you

    • miss t-lee

      Mesquite.

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