Five Very Important Questions About Michelle Obama’s Natural Puff From Heaven » VSB

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Five Very Important Questions About Michelle Obama’s Natural Puff From Heaven

@meagnacarta via Twitter

 

This week Melania Trump’s first official White House portrait was revealed and all of Black Twitter shrugged in one accord because nobody cur, girl and A PHOTO WAS RELEASED OF EX-FLOTUS MICHELLE OBAMA ROCKING HER NATURAL HAIR!!! And it was glorious, y’all. Spring birds chirped En Vogue melodies in four-part harmony while brooks babbled, mountains moved, children jumped double-dutch and Fetty Wap’s missing eye grew back just so he could get a better look at her. I shared this revelation just shy of thirteen-thousand times via text, gmail, Instagram DM’s, Twitter and screaming “Yaaaasss, girl, Yaaaaasssss!” in my coworkers faces and had the following thoughts:

1. I wonder what her natural hair smells like? At first I was all like, “Kinky Curly’s Knot Today and lemongrass, duh!” but that’s too basic for Mother Shelly Shell. It would have to be something more befitting of a Queen like Imported Organic Cold-Pressed Coconut Oil and the tears of Paul Ryan. Or maybe Pink Lustre “Moisturizing” Lotion and the juice from the first papaya harvested on Mars. Whatever it smells like I know it smells good and I know Barack pulls her in close for those good hugs just to get a whiff of it. Ol’ lucky-ass Barry O.

2. Who has been responsible for styling her hair the past eight years? Like, I’m sure there had to have been an official White House hair stylist unless Mama Robinson had her slumped over the kitchen stove every Saturday with a hot comb and an old dish rag. Whoever was doing it, it couldn’t have been me. Mostly because I’m not a licensed cosmetologist but also because I’d be too shook to even attempt to do that do. What if you were asked to do a light split-ends dusting and cut off two inches of protective style hair growth? Or you attempted a Dominican blowout before a Correspondence Dinner and left her under the dryer for too long and now she’s gotta face Mitch McConnell’s old evil ninja turtle ass with heat damage?  Do you just commit seppuku right then and there or do they ship you off to Guantanamo? The world may never know.

3. Do you think Michelle Obama ever gets a fairy knot? I would think as a hair strand if I had the audacity of hope to actually presume that I could challenge the black girl magic of FFOTUS (First Follicles Of The United States) I would just detangle myself out of shame but that’s just me. I can’t picture Mrs. Obama finger-detangling over the tub with an industrial size bottle of TRESemme conditioner from the Costco. That’s for me and the rest of us plebeians. I’m gonna have to assume her hair never tangles. In fact, I think she could probably rock micro-twists for four summer months straight with no touch-ups and take them down without a knot in sight.

4. Does she sleep with a satin bonnet? I’m sure this black girl rite of passage didn’t skip Michelle LaVaughn Robinson from Chicago but surely an army of silkworms was commissioned in 2008 to be always spewing newly spun fibroin around her edges as she slept at night in the Presidential Bedroom.

5. Did she sweat out that press from having shexy time with… you know what, I’ve gone too far and I see that now.

Jordan Kauwling

Jordan Kauwling is an early thirties Philadelphian but she tells everyone she’s in her late thirties because she doesn’t understand how math works. When she’s not busy writing, singing, eating all the falafel or unsuccessfully finishing another craft project you can catch her talking junk on Twitter.

  • Michelle is my First Lady

    And for two… who is Melania Trump? We’re talking about FOTUS MIchelle Obama here.

  • Lara

    I tried sleeping with a bonnet once and my man just made a face like he didn’t like it. I took it off and never wore it again.

    • Fuck him

    • Kat

      Every night I sleep in a scarf. My hair is at my butt. I wish anyone would complain. Like I got the convo typed in my head. The level of PDGAF that resides in me…..

      • Michelle is my First Lady
      • fedup

        If you ain’t a color coordinating mf…

        • Lmao!!!!! But I looked so cute though!¡ ????

        • Michelle is my First Lady

          Right.. I can’t deal! I need to meet NWT in real life. She seems so cool as heII.

      • Jae Starz

        I know you didn’t take that pic for us good folks over here so my question is who tried you that day and got this pic as a response? LOL!!

        • Lmao.. actually, the original pic was for my husband’s mistress because she posted some dumb ayus meme talmbout… a woman doesn’t love you if she’s asking for money….

          Biiiiiiiiih… you live in the WORST PART OF ORLANDO and are an esthetician in a flea market using Walmart products driving a Chrysler… you BETTER STFU talking to me.. ????

          Then I used the image in a meme war against my bestie… ?

          • Jae Starz

            See! I knew there was a back story. Lmao

          • Simms~

            I’m late with a response but DAYUM!! You go all in don’t ya?

      • Mary Burrell

        I love it. YES!!!?

      • BrothasKeeper

        NWT, I swear. In another universe, I’d risk it all. Yes, I said it.

        • Sweet Potato Kai ?

          ???

          • BrothasKeeper

            In another universe, tho. In this chea universe, Mrs. BK would chop me in the thoak.

            • Sweet Potato Kai ?

              No judgment BK. I just like to watch.

              • BrothasKeeper

                Ole freaky azz?.

        • Well, I’m glad that you’re honoring your wife in THIS universe. ?

      • NonyaB?

        YASSS. Fxck em up AND look as fresh as heII while doing it.

  • Lara

    My guess is Michelle and Barack slept in separate rooms. That’s what I would do. I don’t enjoy sharing a bed with anyone.

    • Naaaaw, Barry is palming dat ayus while he sleeps. Lol

      • kingpinenut

        He sleepin on that bootivity…

        Lawd let me be better

        • fedup

          You were made how you are. Embrace it!

          • kingpinenut

            *so much redaction*

      • BrothasKeeper

        Don’t respond to Dmitri. It thrives on attention.

        • kingpinenut

          NWT’s response had to be gived… Trolilililaa be dayumed

    • fedup

      Not today Zurg!

    • good luck with that

    • Mary Burrell

      You need to stick with kissing your dog in the mouth. That would suit you better.

      • Lea Thrace

        im here for alllllll of your shade Mary!

        • miss t-lee

          Mary done came out swanging.

      • Brown Rose

        Man. I don’t like responding under that poster–but hi-lar-ious. And I love dogs.

      • Annalise Keating

        LMAO!

  • miss t-lee

    I knew Shelly’s hair was bound to be glorious. I was peeping half wigs and pieces all throughout.
    She had to protect it from daily rigorous stylings and such. Soooo pretty!

  • Lea Thrace

    Yall. Dont feed the troll. Who is Lara. Just dont. It always goes left. No matter how innocuous it starts.

    • Wild Cougar

      Trolls like to start off with innocuous sounding questions to reel people in

    • This niqqa Putin ain’t messing around, is he? He even infiltrating VSB.

    • cakes_and_pies

      It’s fruitless. Once it starts posting Black people hanging from trees or bodies burned over an open fire like with past trolls, maybe it will stop.

    • NonyaB?

      Maybe if each person separately tells Damon & Panama to change their Disqus settings to allow only registered accts to comment (which enables 100% effective blocking and banning), they’ll finally get around to it.

      • Kas loves Jamaican Breakfast

        That would be nice

    • Cheech

      Its name is dmitry. But you’re right, don’t engage.

  • JennyJazzhands

    I am all the way here for this! I knew mother O was just keeping her hair pressed for the people and when I saw that bun at the inauguration, I knew she was going to unleash this glory on us.

    • Even Michelle’s hair couldn’t wait to take it’s hair down.

      • Tammy Jenkins

        ???

      • Janelle Doe

        Tee hee.

        (She natural hair’d it away)

  • This is awesome!

  • Holy Room

    EX Flotus? She still THE Flotus.

    • Jae Starz

      Forever and ever AMEN!

  • Mary Burrell

    Ugly cackling at Fetty Wap’s missing eye growing back so he could get a better look at her.????All kidding aside she looks Springtime glorious.

  • Wild Cougar

    Her hair is enviable but I’m looking at that muscle definition. But the hair…..

    • BrothasKeeper

      Shid, I’M jealous of her delts!

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