Five Very Important Questions About Michelle Obama’s Natural Puff From Heaven » VSB

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Five Very Important Questions About Michelle Obama’s Natural Puff From Heaven

@meagnacarta via Twitter

 

This week Melania Trump’s first official White House portrait was revealed and all of Black Twitter shrugged in one accord because nobody cur, girl and A PHOTO WAS RELEASED OF EX-FLOTUS MICHELLE OBAMA ROCKING HER NATURAL HAIR!!! And it was glorious, y’all. Spring birds chirped En Vogue melodies in four-part harmony while brooks babbled, mountains moved, children jumped double-dutch and Fetty Wap’s missing eye grew back just so he could get a better look at her. I shared this revelation just shy of thirteen-thousand times via text, gmail, Instagram DM’s, Twitter and screaming “Yaaaasss, girl, Yaaaaasssss!” in my coworkers faces and had the following thoughts:

1. I wonder what her natural hair smells like? At first I was all like, “Kinky Curly’s Knot Today and lemongrass, duh!” but that’s too basic for Mother Shelly Shell. It would have to be something more befitting of a Queen like Imported Organic Cold-Pressed Coconut Oil and the tears of Paul Ryan. Or maybe Pink Lustre “Moisturizing” Lotion and the juice from the first papaya harvested on Mars. Whatever it smells like I know it smells good and I know Barack pulls her in close for those good hugs just to get a whiff of it. Ol’ lucky-ass Barry O.

2. Who has been responsible for styling her hair the past eight years? Like, I’m sure there had to have been an official White House hair stylist unless Mama Robinson had her slumped over the kitchen stove every Saturday with a hot comb and an old dish rag. Whoever was doing it, it couldn’t have been me. Mostly because I’m not a licensed cosmetologist but also because I’d be too shook to even attempt to do that do. What if you were asked to do a light split-ends dusting and cut off two inches of protective style hair growth? Or you attempted a Dominican blowout before a Correspondence Dinner and left her under the dryer for too long and now she’s gotta face Mitch McConnell’s old evil ninja turtle ass with heat damage?  Do you just commit seppuku right then and there or do they ship you off to Guantanamo? The world may never know.

3. Do you think Michelle Obama ever gets a fairy knot? I would think as a hair strand if I had the audacity of hope to actually presume that I could challenge the black girl magic of FFOTUS (First Follicles Of The United States) I would just detangle myself out of shame but that’s just me. I can’t picture Mrs. Obama finger-detangling over the tub with an industrial size bottle of TRESemme conditioner from the Costco. That’s for me and the rest of us plebeians. I’m gonna have to assume her hair never tangles. In fact, I think she could probably rock micro-twists for four summer months straight with no touch-ups and take them down without a knot in sight.

4. Does she sleep with a satin bonnet? I’m sure this black girl rite of passage didn’t skip Michelle LaVaughn Robinson from Chicago but surely an army of silkworms was commissioned in 2008 to be always spewing newly spun fibroin around her edges as she slept at night in the Presidential Bedroom.

5. Did she sweat out that press from having shexy time with… you know what, I’ve gone too far and I see that now.

Jordan Kauwling

Jordan Kauwling is an early thirties Philadelphian but she tells everyone she’s in her late thirties because she doesn’t understand how math works. When she’s not busy writing, singing, eating all the falafel or unsuccessfully finishing another craft project you can catch her talking junk on Twitter.

  • PriceIsRightHorns

    WERK.

    That’s all I got.

  • fedup

    FFOTUS (First Follicles Of The United States)

    You. Win. It. All.

  • fedup

    Also, #5…you ain’t got to be sorry. We’re all thinking it. Remember the rabbit holes that were gone down when this:

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/7d78c3c181447f81dcb40b2bb2e846321c39598dfac3fbd68f0555e6502c7cb6.jpg

  • AKA The Sauce

    Don’t be sorry bout #5….we all thought it lol

  • Glo

    And if we needed another sign that the Obamas no longer give an eff about America’s respectability politics (or feel the need to appear non-threatening to white people), this is it. I love this picture so much.

    (I also love that she doesn’t seem hung up on curl definition. Michelle’s hair looks healthy and moisturized and fluffy, and I am HERE FOR IT.)

  • BrothasKeeper

    Of COURSE she sleeps with a bonnet!

    Does Barry care that she does? Nope. Never in the history of ni66adom has a bonnet ever been a deterrent against humpage. Hence, Aunt Shelly’s natural.

    • Kat

      Never. Folks stay complaining about scarves and wraps but nary has it stopped se^y times from occurring.

      • BrothasKeeper

        That train is always full steam ahead for me. I always make sure I have something socked away for taking Mrs. BK to the salon.

      • miss t-lee

        Never.
        Ever.

      • A real man is going to try to knock that thing off your head.

    • Michelle is my First Lady

      Yo, I had one dude say to me, “Why do you always have to sleep with that headwrap on?” And I promptly told him to leave my house. He was lightskinned so that might have been a factor.

      • Kat

        Always. #staywoke

      • BrothasKeeper

        That sounds like a lightskint question.

        • Monica Harris

          Lol!!

        • HR Paperstacks

          I feel like I should be offended, as I’m accused of liteskintism from time to time, but I’m more of an amaretto complected person.

          • BrothasKeeper

            That sounds like a lightskint answer *snicker*.

      • miss t-lee

        It was only gonna get worse. Cut it off early.

        • Michelle is my First Lady

          Sadly, I cut off lightskins all together.

          • miss t-lee

            *Cackling*

        • TheUnsungStoryteller

          Yup…if he already had that much audacity…

          • miss t-lee

            Seriously…

      • Ellen

        I hollered!

      • Mary Burrell

        LULZ?

      • AnswerMe

        Was he a Kappa?

        • BrothasKeeper

          +100

        • TheUnsungStoryteller

          QTNA

        • Sweet Ga Brown

          Don’t Kappas sleep with a bonnet on??

          • AnswerMe

            Gottem!

          • HR Paperstacks

            Damn. lol

      • SororSalsa

        My guy is darn near clear…and my bonnet has NEVER stopped him from sidling up to the booty. Don’t blame the other lightskins for that dude’s sins.

      • Devin Nikki Thomas

        I can’t. You put him out mid smash. #comedy

      • Mr. Quojo .

        He may have wanted to borrow it. He wanted you to take it off so he could escape unthe darkness of the night with his new treasure. Lol

      • Nik White

        That was it! His momma nem didn’t wear em & he was unfamiliar… now he’s history.

    • BatmansExWife

      I can’t remember if I’ve mentioned this before, but I dated a couple of white guys that had the satin pillowcases ready.

    • miss t-lee

      I’m glad you finally told the truth, all these kats out here complain about headwear fronting.

      • Junegirl627

        When my ex and I were together, he called himself complaining that I don’t wear lingerie and my hair is locked down like fort knox ( I put my hair in a bun or rods. Then an elastic fish net to hold the rods/ hair in place, then a silk scarf with snap clips to hold in place) when I go to bed. So I asked him “If I tried to sucked you off right now in this football jersey and head scarf would you stop me or nah?” he said “heIIIII no!” so I said then it don’t matter because I still get you hard and let you fluck

        • miss t-lee

          I mean…lol

        • Lea Thrace

          i see no errors in this statement.

        • Lex

          *nods*

        • BrothasKeeper
        • Sweet Potato Kai ?

          Whelp. No rebuttal here.

        • Kas loves Jamaican Breakfast

          And he probably wonders why he is an ex

        • Headwrap Hater

          I mean… if I was starving and you offered me a well done steak, I would most likely eat it, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t like my steaks rare. At what point don’t I get it the way I like it?

          I know I can’t be the only guy in here who hates bonnets and/or headscarfs. Maybe I’m just the only one dumb enough to comment lol

          • He went out his way too!! hahahahaha

          • Junegirl627

            No you’re not the only one who hates bonnets and head scarfs. I hate bonnets and headscarfs more than you, but here is the deal. We live in a world where my state of beauty can effect my wallet. So I will say this to any man. If you don’t like it do something about it. My hair has to look a certain way to be considered office appropriate. Courts are ruling that natural black styles are unprofessional therefore I have to style myself in a way that will not cause me to lose my job. To do that and not spend an extreme amount of time just doing my hair every morning. I have to sleep with a scarf/ rollers/ bonnet.

            Now if you were willing to support me financially I could for go this because I would have more freedom to do with my hair what we both woud be happy with. Until then deal with it.

          • Nik White

            You would hate it more if there weren’t any head scarfs or bonnets worn.

        • Amen
    • CheGueverraWitBlingOn

      Ain’t nothing better than a wisdom bouncing with nothing on but a headwrap or bonnet. Brothas know what I mean…

    • Paige Kay

      This entire thread has me HOLLERING hahahahaah

  • Michelle is my First Lady

    To answer #2, Yene Damtew is responsible for Momma Chelle’s hair.

    http://www.yenedamtew.com

  • Junegirl627

    “and Fetty Wap’s missing eye grew back just so he could get a better look at her.”

    See now we are actively courting a trip to HeII huh?

    • That took me OUT.

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    • Vanity in Peril

      Was never getting into heaven no how.

      • Junegirl627

        Yeezus Cries!!!!

        • Josephinejconner

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    • TheUnsungStoryteller

      THAT PART.

    • Sarara

      No love for Stevie Wonder, though?

  • I bet she smells like pineapples and mangos… I love her!!!

    • Kat

      I’m leaning toward coconuts. Just cause…thats what I put in mine and I…let me stop.

      • I was gonna say coconuts but we’d be basic… she is like the papaya and the guava of fruit scents.

      • BrothasKeeper

        Go on.

        • Kat

          See…

          • BrothasKeeper

            For reasons of social edification, of course.

      • Holy Room

        I hate the smell of coconut.

      • TheUnsungStoryteller

        I’ve always thought cocoa butter and mangoes. Like a Queen.

    • Brown Rose

      Michelle is forever. I have locs and sleep with a wrap. And I make my own oils–Roses.

      • Me too!! But I do have a penchant for fine parfum.

        • Brown Rose

          Making your own perfume oils is so empowering, but I am dipping the toe for a little bit more expensive stuff. Bulgari Rose Essentielle.

          • fedup

            I like their Jasmine Noir.

            • Brown Rose

              Hmmmm. Must try.

          • That’s my current fave and the Bvlgari Jasmine Noir!!!!

            I just talked about them on my Instagram!!

            When I wear that Rose Essentielle, MEN STOP IN THEIR TRACKS. It’s the jasmine note with the Turkish roses… it’s remarkable.

            • Brown Rose

              Awesome coincidence. We have good taste! It’s sensual with a great rose note. I love roses. Can’t get enough of them. It’s my signature base note.

        • Holy Room

          You too what? Locs?

          • Oh no.. I mix oils for my own perfume but I love fine parfum too.

      • Holy Room

        I don’t put anything over them. They sleep naked. Just how they were born.

        • Brown Rose

          I like. you are bold. You are fearless. You have no concern for the lint.

  • I’m Sure she has satin sheets and pillow cases

    • Silk!! She’s bougie!

      • Jennifer

        They were presents from some ambassador or president of some country.

        • TheUnsungStoryteller

          Definitely the Chinese.

      • miss t-lee

        Definitely silk, the finest money can buy.

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