Five Things Your Lame Ass Better Not Do If Kicking Game On The Internet » VSB

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Five Things Your Lame Ass Better Not Do If Kicking Game On The Internet

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Despite the fact that my ethnically ambiguous looks make me appear as if my name could actually be “Don Juan,” I am no Don Juan. I’m just Leon. I am, however, a guy who wants to use the wisdom gained from years of being a sexy internet geek for good. Today, that goodwill manifests as a list of things not to do if you’re on the internet and attempting to attract something other than fleas. And by “fleas” I mean “people with active Hotmail accounts.”

You’re welcome, internet.

Like Old Ass Pictures

A notification that says “Clarence liked your photo” from 2008 just says that Clarence has thoroughly gone through EVERY SINGLE PICTURE that you’ve ever posted on Facebook and probably spent an unhealthy amount of time fixated on your image. I won’t go so far as to say what Clarence was probably doing while checking out all of these images of you over the years, but go ahead and use your imagination. It’s a safe bet that Clarence is. Right now.

And again when he gets home from work.

Send Unsolicited Compliments On Specific Body Parts

A friend of mine recently complained about a stranger who sent her a message on Facebook that simply read “Them lips tho.” It’s bad enough that “them lips though” is an even lazier way of saying “what that mouth do?” What’s worse is the fact that this guy led with a passive-aggressive sexual overture before even saying “Hello.” A message simply stating “them lips tho” may as well end with the sentence “I WANT YOU TO PUT THEM SHITS ON MY BODY!” written exactly as it’s printed here, in all caps.

If you are ever smitten with a stranger’s profile pic and moved to the point of writing to her, just start off by introducing yourself and interacting with her like an actual human being as opposed to someone you want something from. Years ago, I saw a photo of a friend of a friend on Facebook and clicked on her profile. I decided to write to her because I was very attracted to her. I will be honest with you: She had the Breasts of Life. It took every once of strength in my light skinned body not to say “Your boobs look like they were hand-crafted by God. Like, He created the the Earth, it’s creatures, the sky an all of it’s Heavenly glory. He rested on the 7th day, then He spent the entire next week fine-tuning them titties you got there.” I instead decided to keep it classy and not reference her oh-so-perfect bosom, and it paid off to the tune of us eventually dating.

Send Unsolicited Dick Pics

It’s 2015. This rarely works for anyone, especially when unsolicited. Regardless of whether you’re King Ding A Ling or a Little Itty Bitty Court Jester, it’s a sleazy tactic. Sending surprise dick pics especially sends a message of “potential sex offender” to most women. Granted, some women thoroughly enjoy random dick pics, and the tactic is extremely successful when that happens…but more often than not, it won’t end the way that you want it to. It’s simply not worth the risk. More importantly: have some dignity, man!

*Full disclosure: I have sent dick pics in the past, but that has not happened since the days of MySpace and BlackPlanet. Any picture of my dick that hits the net is more than likely a low resolution relic taken on a shitty flip phone. A low resolution relic taken on a shitty flip phone that I will claim because God was good to me, but a low resolution relic taken on a shitty flip phone nonetheless.

Dirty Mack

Every time you attempt to curry favor with a woman by trying to bring down the next man, your penis shrinks a little. It’s a scientific fact. If it’s not a scientific fact, then it should be. Stop hating and get your damn life together. Nobody loves you when you’re wack.

This, btw, is also called Peter Gunning. Or Rich Dollazing. Or…just add “ing” to the name of any light skinned male character in the Love and Hip-Hop universe.

Throw Shit At The Wall To See What Sticks

I am a firm believer in discretion. There is nothing wrong with dating multiple people if you are not in a committed relationship with someone. However, if you’re going to date multiple women, use some semblance of circumspection and make your choices wisely. People talk, and the world is smaller than you think. It gets even tinier once you’ve tried to sleep with every living woman within a 25 mile radius.

I’ve seen many a dude become an embarrassing spectacle from trying to simultaneously pursue women who are friends, family members, sorority sisters and the like. The irony is in the fact that what gets them caught up is dishonesty more than anything else. If one owns up to his aintshit early on, it at least gives women a chance to make an informed choice as to whether or not it’s a good idea to go out with you. When you lie (in print, no less) you’re effectively asking for your card to be pulled, and documented for future reference. Life is so much easier when you’re not actively engaged in a tangled web of bullshit.

Leon Scott

Leon Scott is the Patron Saint of High Yellow. A thought leader in the field of random thoughts, Leon performs stand-up and serves as the host of a classy little Washington DC comedy show titled "The Power of Positive Drinking." You can see more of Leon exploring the line where brilliance and ignorance converge over at www.listentoleon.net.

  • “I’ve seen many a dude become an embarrassing spectacle from trying to simultaneously pursue women who are friends, family members, sorority sisters and the like.”

    It really is ridiculous. I had it happen very recently between my girl (Y.), this dude (R.), and me. What’s funny (not haha, but you get me) is that I went straight to the group chat with it between Y., me, and our other girlfriend. Like, girl, R. was being overboard to the point that our mutual male friend, J., walked me out to my car because R. was trying hard to set up a sleepover and being way too persistent… as though he also hadn’t been trying to get a Y. at the same damn party, which she confirmed in the chat.

    So, now we’re clowning you for how embarrassing and messy you are.

    • TeeChantel

      Did ya’ll confront him?

      • Unh unh. My friend left early for other reasons. He didn’t leave with me despite all the effort. Ultimately he didn’t get what he wanted so no need to, like, make it more dramatic. He’s just marked now. lol

  • Baemie St. Patrick

    Hey Leon!

    Leon was one of the first black bloggers I read.

  • Nick Peters

    0/5….Winning…. :)

  • DAMNlookatHIM

    While I agree with this list, when it comes to men we are creatures of habit. Somewhere along the line with men who use these tactics they netted a positive reaction. Unable to decipher that it was the exception and not the rule, they stay running the same play until it works again. Most men with higher intelligence realize you can’t run the same play on different teams.

    Nothing worse than the dirty mack dudes. It’s like rolling up the worst of human behavior into one attempt to gain favor with a woman. It seems like the number of men using that tactic grow like ants on a picnic every year.

  • Julian Green

    I never got into trying to holla at women online. It just always weird and uncomfortable.

    If I’m going to hit on a lady, I’m doing it face to face or I’m not doing it at all.

  • cakes_and_pies

    Speaking of dirty macking, has Mel Jackson EVER played a role where he wasn’t doing that?

    • Tristan

      He lost all his credibility when he got curved by Mo’nique for the ninja who played her out for 5 years

      • Guest?

        Wait what happened with Monique?

      • cakes_and_pies

        I forgot he was on The Parkers. That story arc was unbelievable

        • MzzPeaches

          I remember that episode. I was like “chile bye. but if you wrote part of the script i guess run with it.”

    • TeeChantel

      The Temptations movie.

      • cakes_and_pies

        I don’t even remember him in that. Google search doesn’t even remember him in that. I can’t find any clips. Po’thang

        • TeeChantel

          Lol. He played one of the producers (Norman Whitfield) in the movie. I remember him in the scene when the Temps recorded Papa Was A Rolling Stone and he (Mel Jackson) told Dennis Edwards that the date was changed to the third of September – the day Edwards’ father died.

          • cakes_and_pies

            I can’t find any clip online! He just turns up in those “Mama Done Burnt up the Biscuits Praying for a Man” stage plays.

          • towninc

            oh i thought yall were talking about michael beach. my bad.

          • ListenToLeon

            The Temptations Movie was a classic! “AIN’T NO-BODY COMING TO SEE YOU OTIS!!!”

            • TeeChantel

              “YA’LL AINT NUFFIN’ WITHOUT DAVID RUFFIN!”
              It is my favorite movie of all times.

              • MzzPeaches

                Am I raggedy for preferring The Five Heartbeats to The Temptations movie?

                • TeeChantel

                  Not at all. It’s kind of like asking the question, ‘vanilla or chocolate?’ Nothing bad; some people
                  prefer one over the other.

                  • gurlgamer05

                    I love and know both by heart. I also own both but something about the five heartbeats gets me every time. I think it’s how over the top Eddie was lol.

                    • TeeChantel

                      I see. I love The Temptations – like, the actual group. So the movie puts me over the top every time.

                    • MzzPeaches

                      Five Heartbeats just gave so many one liners + the over the top-ness of the characters.

                      “Every night I got to fight to prove my love”

                      “My office hours are from 9-5.”

                      everything that comes out of Eddie “Kang” Jr.’s mouth

    • miss t-lee

      He’s so typecast, just like Michael Beach.

      • Tristan

        F ck Michael Beach

        • cakes_and_pies

          What did he do to you?

        • miss t-lee

          LMFAO!

        • Lea Thrace

          Daaaaaaaammmmmmmn. Tell us how you really feel.

        • Natalie Degraffinried

          Unexpected bark laugh of the day. Thank you, good sir

          • Tristan

            Youre welcome dear

      • ListenToLeon

        He looks like he’s plotting on stealing your girl RIGHT NOW.

        • miss t-lee

          really though.

        • Hahahaha! No lie.

    • LehcarB

      Deliver us from Eva?

      • cakes_and_pies

        He played dirty mack adjacent when he locked LL up

    • He’s the Clifton Powell of light skints…
      (See what I did there.)

    • towninc

      them lips tho … see what i did there

      • cakes_and_pies

        As long as his mouth stays closed. That one canine snagged tooth irks me.

        • MzzPeaches

          Please quit lolol

        • towninc

          stop it! lol

    • Cleojonz

      I didn’t know this guy’s name but I do know his face. That’s a pretty accurate description of his character in anything I’ve ever seen him in lol.

    • Katlego

      Tripp Williams III in Living Single was not as bad as the Sleezy McSleezsters he’s played after that.

    • LOL he ALWAYS looks like the token “Bad Guy” to me.

  • Tristan

    #shootyourshot #carpeDM #seizethebae

    • I’m stealing this #carpeDM and I won’t be siting you as the source for it. Just giving you a heads up.

      • uniquebeauty79

        I’m loving #seizethebae!!!!

  • skinnynow

    Everything you said here a) gets the slow clap and b) could easily be applied to dude’s on the street in actual person-to-person interactions. Good job, Leon!

  • Skegeeaces

    1) Feels crunchy because I still have a Hotmail account. I NEED IT FOR MY RESUME AND I AIN’T CHANGING AFTER 20- er, 10 YEARS!

    2) You look like my freakin’ cousin from Ohio. Weird.

    3) Oh yeah- THAT’S RIGHT! Good list.

    • Bushido Brown

      Nothing wrong with Hotmail I’m still using it.

      • PhlyyPhree

        Everything is wrong with hotmail unless you’re actively using it to post listings on Craigslist

        • Bushido Brown

          That’s primarily what I use it for.

    • Trust me…been usin’ the suffix “msn.com” linked up professionally with EVERYTHING. Ain’t changing it now. FYI:Say what you want bout Sprint as well been with them for 15 yrs too.

      • Skegeeaces

        Are we kin?!?! I have Sprint as well; 15 years strong!

  • Nomodates

    Thought Leon’s picture was someone I met up with that blogs here. Forehead wipe! lol

    • Tristan

      Emoji eyes

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