Dating, Relationships, & Sex, Featured, Lists

Five Things Your Lame Ass Better Not Do If Kicking Game On The Internet

Despite the fact that my ethnically ambiguous looks make me appear as if my name could actually be “Don Juan,” I am no Don Juan. I’m just Leon. I am, however, a guy who wants to use the wisdom gained from years of being a sexy internet geek for good. Today, that goodwill manifests as a list of things not to do if you’re on the internet and attempting to attract something other than fleas. And by “fleas” I mean “people with active Hotmail accounts.”

You’re welcome, internet.

Like Old Ass Pictures

A notification that says “Clarence liked your photo” from 2008 just says that Clarence has thoroughly gone through EVERY SINGLE PICTURE that you’ve ever posted on Facebook and probably spent an unhealthy amount of time fixated on your image. I won’t go so far as to say what Clarence was probably doing while checking out all of these images of you over the years, but go ahead and use your imagination. It’s a safe bet that Clarence is. Right now.

And again when he gets home from work.

Send Unsolicited Compliments On Specific Body Parts

A friend of mine recently complained about a stranger who sent her a message on Facebook that simply read “Them lips tho.” It’s bad enough that “them lips though” is an even lazier way of saying “what that mouth do?” What’s worse is the fact that this guy led with a passive-aggressive sexual overture before even saying “Hello.” A message simply stating “them lips tho” may as well end with the sentence “I WANT YOU TO PUT THEM SHITS ON MY BODY!” written exactly as it’s printed here, in all caps.

If you are ever smitten with a stranger’s profile pic and moved to the point of writing to her, just start off by introducing yourself and interacting with her like an actual human being as opposed to someone you want something from. Years ago, I saw a photo of a friend of a friend on Facebook and clicked on her profile. I decided to write to her because I was very attracted to her. I will be honest with you: She had the Breasts of Life. It took every once of strength in my light skinned body not to say “Your boobs look like they were hand-crafted by God. Like, He created the the Earth, it’s creatures, the sky an all of it’s Heavenly glory. He rested on the 7th day, then He spent the entire next week fine-tuning them titties you got there.” I instead decided to keep it classy and not reference her oh-so-perfect bosom, and it paid off to the tune of us eventually dating.

Send Unsolicited Dick Pics

It’s 2015. This rarely works for anyone, especially when unsolicited. Regardless of whether you’re King Ding A Ling or a Little Itty Bitty Court Jester, it’s a sleazy tactic. Sending surprise dick pics especially sends a message of “potential sex offender” to most women. Granted, some women thoroughly enjoy random dick pics, and the tactic is extremely successful when that happens…but more often than not, it won’t end the way that you want it to. It’s simply not worth the risk. More importantly: have some dignity, man!

*Full disclosure: I have sent dick pics in the past, but that has not happened since the days of MySpace and BlackPlanet. Any picture of my dick that hits the net is more than likely a low resolution relic taken on a shitty flip phone. A low resolution relic taken on a shitty flip phone that I will claim because God was good to me, but a low resolution relic taken on a shitty flip phone nonetheless.

Dirty Mack

Every time you attempt to curry favor with a woman by trying to bring down the next man, your penis shrinks a little. It’s a scientific fact. If it’s not a scientific fact, then it should be. Stop hating and get your damn life together. Nobody loves you when you’re wack.

This, btw, is also called Peter Gunning. Or Rich Dollazing. Or…just add “ing” to the name of any light skinned male character in the Love and Hip-Hop universe.

Throw Shit At The Wall To See What Sticks

I am a firm believer in discretion. There is nothing wrong with dating multiple people if you are not in a committed relationship with someone. However, if you’re going to date multiple women, use some semblance of circumspection and make your choices wisely. People talk, and the world is smaller than you think. It gets even tinier once you’ve tried to sleep with every living woman within a 25 mile radius.

I’ve seen many a dude become an embarrassing spectacle from trying to simultaneously pursue women who are friends, family members, sorority sisters and the like. The irony is in the fact that what gets them caught up is dishonesty more than anything else. If one owns up to his aintshit early on, it at least gives women a chance to make an informed choice as to whether or not it’s a good idea to go out with you. When you lie (in print, no less) you’re effectively asking for your card to be pulled, and documented for future reference. Life is so much easier when you’re not actively engaged in a tangled web of bullshit.

Leon Scott

Leon Scott is the Patron Saint of High Yellow. A thought leader in the field of random thoughts, Leon performs stand-up and serves as the host of a classy little Washington DC comedy show titled "The Power of Positive Drinking." You can see more of Leon exploring the line where brilliance and ignorance converge over at www.listentoleon.net.

  • Andie

    Hey Leon! LOL!!!

    • LMNOP

      ooh this would be fun. I like it.

    • GTFOH!

      How ’bout wherever Felicia is.

      Bye.

      lol

    • ListenToLeon

      I just put 2 + 2 together and figured out who you are lol. I haven’t seen you in years! Hope life has been treating you well my friend!

  • TeeChantel

    “The irony is in the fact that what gets them caught up is dishonesty more than anything else. If one owns up to his aintshit early on, it at least gives women a chance to make an informed choice as to whether or not it’s a good idea to go out with you.”

    I’ll never understand why folks can’t follow this simple advice. My cousin recently found out she was dating a married man. While I think part of the fault could be placed on her, why couldn’t dude a) stick to his vows (or if he’s unhappy get a divorce) or b) just admit that he was married. Either way, don’t drag me blindly into your bs.

  • JennyJazzhands

    I always assume that guys that hit on me via social media do that all day long, every day and are probably texting several different girls simultaneously. It’s just so weird. I guess I’m still in the stone ages. If we have mutual friends or I’ve met or seen you somewhere before and you looked me up, that’s different. And I mean mutual real friends not followers.

    • cakes_and_pies

      I assume they’re texting several women without varying the conversation. Just a One Size Fits All verbiage.

      • Tristan

        Gotta separate yourself from the pack

      • JennyJazzhands

        Back when I was in college, this guy that I was dating sent the same text to me and this other girl. This was before group text was a thing and I’m not exactly sure how I was able to see the other numbers he sent it too and all of the replies (phones weren’t smart back then). I sat reading that conversation back and forth with the other girl for at least an hour. I never spoke to him again and when he confronted me, telling me that I was tripping for cutting him off, I just pulled out my phone, clicked on that conversation and held it up where he could see it. This is what happens online in my mind. People hollin’ at you just for the sake of hollin’ at you.

        • cakes_and_pies

          Back in my online dating days, there were two separate instances where two of my friends and I were talking to the same guy.
          Both men straight up copied and pasted the same responses to us. You can’t get any lazier than that.

    • TeeChantel

      If a guy can hit me up on social media all day long, every day then my first thought is he doesn’t have a job or a career. #movingon

      • Andie

        I used to think that about people on VSB, LOL. Until I became one of them :)

        • TeeChantel

          Good point! VSB is a requirement for work. Lol.

        • Tristan

          Well I would argue there’s some people who have really lenient jobs or…. Nvm I’m sleep

          • Andie

            Panama inspired me!!!! To be less…. Lazy.

        • uniquebeauty79

          lol, then you realized we’re all at work in our offices doing ish that has nothing to do with that which we are paid to do…same here lol

      • Tristan

        *closes gchat awkwardly*

        • TeeChantel

          LOL. I’s sorry.

      • AlwaysCC

        if my husband calls me more than twice while he’s at work, i’m wondering why he isn’t working lol

        • Tristan

          Damn he like baby I miss you, you like negro we got bills…. Marriage is scary.

          • AlwaysCC

            lol kinda. but usually if he’s calling while he’s at work it’s not to tell me he misses me so there’s that…

            • Tristan

              *remembers rule #4 in the post*

              • AlwaysCC

                lol that’s cute. i’m old enough to be…your older sister’s best friend

    • Bushido Brown

      I’m still trying to grasp the hook up on social media thing it just feels so impersonal to me.

      • JennyJazzhands

        Me too. People keep suggesting dating sites and such. (My cousin met her husband on Facebook) to me it’s just way to impersonal and also doesn’t help my stranger danger paranoia.

        • TeeChantel

          Same here. A friend of mine met her husband on Facebook. He just sent a friend request and the rest is history. Another friend met her now fiancé on Match.

          • Julian Green

            I’m put-off from using dating sites/apps because, in my mind, I still think of them as being tools for quick hook-ups. I know meeting someone from across a iPhone screen isn’t necessarily more sleazy than meeting her at a Barnes & Noble, but still…

            • Tristan

              I see an attractive woman online, I could be one of 12 ninjas in her inbox, at least in person for a brief introduction , it’s just me and her

              • HeyBooHey

                True but in real life, that brief intro is just you and her for that moment. She could’ve done it with 12 ninjas prior. Gotta just shoot your shot in whatever way and hope it connects

              • K Lust

                That same girl could be dry as he!!, nobody hitting her up. You’d be surprised.

            • TeeChantel

              Yeah. I keep thinking there are people out there that aren’t looking for quick hook ups. You gotta be able to sort through the weeds.

              • Tristan

                Curious, do men lose points for approaching online, I think there would be still something to a man being able to confidently step to a woman irl

                • TeeChantel

                  Nah. Not in my book. I don’t see anything wrong with a man approaching online. As long as its not..hiiii… hru…. hit me up at 410-450-xxxx then he wouldn’t lose points with me.

        • Bushido Brown

          I Understand I just got a old school way of doing things I prefer face To face conversations.

          • AlwaysCC

            me, too. i also write tangible thank you notes – on personal stationary lol

          • JennyJazzhands

            Exactly.

          • ED

            Online dating is really only supposed to be a way to help people make connections. You shouldn’t spend an eternity talking online. And once you meet in person it’s absolutely no different than if your first meeting were face-to-face.

    • Tristan

      I only got eyes for you girl

      • JennyJazzhands

        LOL that’s what they all say.

  • Oh, I thought this was going to be a post about Umar Johnson lol

    • Ms TLC

      And I thought this was going to be about E3…Oh well.

      • Lol I can see that.

        Then again kicking game on the internet cost dude seven figures…so yeh u can see why I thought this might be connected.

  • miss t-lee

    Solid list.

  • SOJo

    Well done – welcome to the VSB archives; we look forward to more from ya!

    • ListenToLeon

      Thanks. I haven’t blogged regularly in a couple of years, so I’m glad someone liked this :-)

  • Wild Cougar

    This was pretty darn awesome.

  • ED

    Numbers 2-4 should be applied offline too. I’m witnessing #4 right now involving some people I know

  • Ms TLC

    Even though I thought this was about ‘gaming’ This is a good list! LOL!!

    • Tristan

      Nerd!

    • Cula J.

      I want *that* article. Stuff like “When you’re losing, don’t just drop out of the game. Take that ‘L’ and learn from it.”

      • Tristan

        That 21 piece builds character, maybe then you’ll stop running the same 5 plays

  • Bushido Brown

    I’ve had a unknown woman like almost every photo I took in 2014.

    • Tristan

      I get a few of those and it’s like… Does she expect to return the gesture, cuz I’m not

    • miss t-lee

      Or she could’ve just said hi.
      Sheesh.

      • Bushido Brown

        Right! I woke u in the morning with 23 notification thinking I’m special.

        • uniquebeauty79

          until you realized they were all from the same person…smh, lol

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