Five Post-Election Silver Linings For Those Contemplating Drinking An Entire Fifth Of Hennessy Today » VSB

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Five Post-Election Silver Linings For Those Contemplating Drinking An Entire Fifth Of Hennessy Today

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It’s Friday now. The election is over and the world is fucked. Shit, if President Trump is as volatile and impulsive and reckless and oblivious and cruel as Donald Trump has been for the first 70 years of his life, there might not even be a world this time next year. Which is definitely good reason to drink (or smoke or snort) whatever you have lying around in your house right now. Pull out all the shit you’ve been saving for a rainy day, because this week was a fucking tsunami.

But, before you drink yourself into oblivion — and if you do, you better save me a damn shot — I do want to say that there are actually some possible silver linings from this week. Things that’ll happen as a direct result of the election that won’t make you wish the premise of Interstellar was happening right now.

1. Donald Trump will be a complete and utter trainwreck as President, and there will be a perverse glee in watching him stumble, gaffe, slip, fail, and fucking fall repeatedly on his high fructose corn syrup fucking face

The job of the President of the United States might actually be the single worst job on Earth. There’s no job more demanding, no job more fatiguing, no job where you have to consider as many constituencies, no job that requires as much of you and gives so little. The President is also severely, almost laughably unpaid — Matthew Dellavedova will make 30 times more money than Barack Obama will this year — and regardless of how great of a job you do, (at least) half of the country will hate you and pour all of their resources into getting you fired after four years.

And now, stepping into this position will be Donald Trump, a man who has never actually had a job.

I think he’s beginning to realize this too. The look on Trump’s face in those pictures with President Obama are a look of a shell-shocked man. The look of a man who took the Wasabi Challenge and is just now starting to regret his decision. The look of a 6th grader dragged to “Take Your Child To Work” Day, and already begging his dad to take him home before lunch. The look of a person who’s wanted a wedding his entire life, got it, but just now realized the wedding means he’s married to this entire fucking country.

2. He will do absolutely nothing substantive for his base, and it will be somewhat amusing watching them attempt to pretend that he is

I would give the skin off of the top of the back of my left pinky finger to be in the room when one of the working-class Trump sycophants cheers so loudly when hearing Obamacare has been repealed that they can’t hear the rest of the press conference.

…oh, and we’re gonna drastically cut Welfare, Medicaid, farm aid, and Social Security too. Oh, and no taxes for anyone making over 250,000 a year. Trump out, bitches. Peaaaaace.

3. I think we’re officially done with the Clintons now

Maybe Bill and Hillary can finally go on that Royal Caribbean cruise they’ve always wanted to or something now. And if they choose to do that, I’d recommend them stopping at Twin Brothers when they get to Nassau. And they should probably order the conch fritters because they’re amazing.

4. We might see some kick-ass rap music

Look, I’m not one of those grouchy and grumpy mid-30s cats who bitches incessantly about how soft and wack today’s rap is. I mean, I am grouchy and grumpy, but I actually appreciate the (relative) diversity and freedom within hip-hop today. Shit, I’m one of the six people on Earth who prefers post-808s Kanye’s music to College Dropout-era Ye.

That said, rap music’s general ethos is inherently iconoclastic and disruptive. And I can imagine it being quite difficult to create furious music about The Man when America’s HNIC is an actual nigga. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that the two biggest names in rap during Obama’s presidency were a guy who worked at The Gap and a guy who still rocks Gap sweaters. Not that there’s anything wrong with any of that. But it’s just a thing that happened for a reason.

Anyway, maybe the reaction to Trump’s term will usher in the type of rap music that’ll finally make your barber smile again.

5. Maybe, just maybe, the Democratic party will stop taking the Black vote for granted

While it’s definitely true that the election results are not on us at all — and that “good” White people are culpable too; and that Black women came through like always — it is also true that a more engaged Black vote could have swung the election. Of course, there are myriad very real reasons why we didn’t show up at the polls the same way we did in 2008 and 2012. Voter suppression is not a myth.

But even with the lengths the Republicans took to prevent us from voting, maybe we still would have shown up if the Democratic party actually paid attention to us instead of pandered when they needed some help. Maybe instead of pushing and promoting status quo candidates — and then having that candidate choose to run with the human equivalent of a Toyota Highlander (Seriously, Tim Kaine was so “eh” as a running mate that I literally just had to google “Hillary’s running mate” to remember this nigga’s name) — the Democrats will actually try to win hearts and elections instead of just hoping not to lose.

Anyway, happy hour is in a couple hours. So if you’re looking for me, I’ll be the one with the Honey Jack, the (water) gun, and the pack of sandwiches.

Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a columnist for GQ.com And he's working on a book of essays to be published by Ecco (HarperCollins). Damon is busy. He lives in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes. Reach him at damon@verysmartbrothas.com. Or don't. Whatever.

  • Scorpiogoddess??

    It’s supposed to snow next week sometime.

    • Cheech

      Please please please. We need to be cleansed.

  • I’ve drunk and stay up all night and cried and shouted and raged and slept and am now ready to fight. I’m writing and planning and figuring out how to support my loved ones through these troubling times. I’m doing everything I can do so I can maintain my freedom and dignity during the reign of the con man form New York.

    • Other_guy13

      Hang in there boss…we gone make it

    • grownandsexy2

      It’s gone be alright MM.

  • Other_guy13

    #6. Folks who voted for Trump trying to mask their “I miss President Obama” face. The moment things go left for the 39th time in his first 100 days…all of them gone be like http://www.gifbin.com/bin/122011/reverse-1323979825_panda_omg.gif

  • cakes_and_pies

    NO NO NO! NO MORE TRUMP COVERAGE!!!!!!!!

    • HouseOfBonnets

      I mean you wanna talk about insecure because I just caught up…..

      • Courtney Wheeler

        WATCH IT…ITS SO GOOD…CAN’T YOU TELL IVE DONE PR ON IT? haha

        • HouseOfBonnets

          Girl this last episode….it was so wrong yet so right.

          • Courtney Wheeler

            The next episode? killer..

          • Mary Burrell

            The last episode the kids Broken P**ssy rap and it went viral.

      • anichole

        Yes and I’m still annoyed there are no recaps on this site!

      • Mary Burrell

        I wondered why we never talk about Insecure?

        • HouseOfBonnets

          I mean I finally caught up after missing two weeks lol

  • Courtney Wheeler

    I just can’t get over Barack’s blank stares during those photo-ops…

    • miss t-lee

      Barack is us.

  • HouseOfBonnets

    I’ve had a few days to digest and although a part of me still can’t comprehend the levels of stupidity I have decided that we’re gonna be OK. Because at the end of the day nobody is gonna stop my money, hustle, shine or my determination. I’m gonna live my life, love my boys, prosper and leave a great mark on this country and the world. I’m just gonna keep bail money on hand that way there is no limit to how fast I throw these hands….. Turn this into mafia 3 if you want to Betty.

  • Nick Peters

    In the long run, if black people act correctly, Trump could be good for black people.

    • Courtney Wheeler

      It’s going to take me a moment to digest that sentence…

      • HouseOfBonnets

        This might be killer Mike low key….

      • Nick Peters

        It invalidates many talking points that black people have that have lead to general stagnation and forces many actions that we should have taken decades ago.

      • Conrad Bess

        I think he means, that Blacks in America might forget their internal differences (Jamaican vs. Haitian, 4th/5th generation American Blacks vs. Latin Blacks, Nigerians vs. everybody), and get together.

        This may be the tipping point for Blacks to unite.

        • HouseOfBonnets

          But will this unification also include LGBT and black women? I only ask because a lot of the time we’re not really considered/taken seriously.

          • Conrad Bess

            I would hope so. We are in no position to be beefing about gender or chexuality. The primary concern here is economics and building a platform on which we can compete and sustain ourselves. I personally don’t have time for anyone (EDIT – MAN) that would prevent that simply because a woman or LGBT individual could possibly be the leader of said movement

            • HouseOfBonnets

              That’s the main thing I’m scared about, I want to and I am 100 percent willing to be down/do what it takes but we have to have a seat at the table and at least be heard/respected. I would like to think that we can do that in 2016 but more than a few have shown thier disagreement.

        • naughtycorner

          You got all that from someone saying “act right “??

          • Conrad Bess

            You know, I didn’t really “read” the first part of that sentence. I saw “Trump could be good for black people”, and my presumed the writer of said sentence was thinking what I wrote upthread.

            Didn’t realize he could be a troll.

        • NonyaB?

          Did you seriously say Nigerians vs. everybody? ? CTFU

      • grownandsexy2

        I’m not even going to try to digest it. People always dangling a carrot. If only black people would do x,y.z, then x,y,z will happen. Yeah, right.

    • Scorpiogoddess??

      Bye.

    • Hugh Akston

      no…just go to breitfart you’re better there

  • miss t-lee

    Yeah…not there yet.

  • cyanic

    No at your attempt to sprinkle sugar on boo boo and call it a snack.

  • To your #3- y’all see the pic of Hillary hiking in Chappaqua, already looking five years younger and ten pounds lighter? She is LIVING outchea, we may never see them again.

    Also? I don’t think the Democratic or the Republican party will take this as a sign to finally stop pandering, patronizing and suppressing the Black vote. I think they’re going to abandon it altogether. White women and non-Black Hispanics will be their target. I honestly don’t think we’ll see a rapper on a candidate’s stage ever again. Which I’m not totally upset about.

    • I saw that picture on my TL. She really looked like she was doing okay.

    • DM.

      Democrats can’t win swing states without black voters. We all saw how *just a slight dip in black turnout cost her MI and PA. Without black vote Dems are essentially a fringe, 30% party
      And white women will always vote with their men (Republican)

      • Question

        But where are Black folks gonna go? That’s the point. I think Maris is right…and I think we’re seeing it already. People are starting to blame the loss on the “identity politics of the left” – and they’ll kick Black issues to the curb before they kick LGBTQ issues…

        • DM.

          Where are Democrats gonna go without black voters? They’ve already lost the Rust Belt. Kick black issues to the curb and they become a fringe party with a couple of seats in Cali/New England

          • Question

            Easy… the DNC can subtly shift its platform to appeal to working class whites.

            Where are Blacks going to go?

    • Cleojonz

      I think if she had let the American people see her like that all along she might have pulled this thing off. It was a great photo. Most real I’ve ever seen her.

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