Five Post-Election Silver Linings For Those Contemplating Drinking An Entire Fifth Of Hennessy Today
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It’s Friday now. The election is over and the world is fucked. Shit, if President Trump is as volatile and impulsive and reckless and oblivious and cruel as Donald Trump has been for the first 70 years of his life, there might not even be a world this time next year. Which is definitely good reason to drink (or smoke or snort) whatever you have lying around in your house right now. Pull out all the shit you’ve been saving for a rainy day, because this week was a fucking tsunami.
But, before you drink yourself into oblivion — and if you do, you better save me a damn shot — I do want to say that there are actually some possible silver linings from this week. Things that’ll happen as a direct result of the election that won’t make you wish the premise of Interstellar was happening right now.
1. Donald Trump will be a complete and utter trainwreck as President, and there will be a perverse glee in watching him stumble, gaffe, slip, fail, and fucking fall repeatedly on his high fructose corn syrup fucking face
The job of the President of the United States might actually be the single worst job on Earth. There’s no job more demanding, no job more fatiguing, no job where you have to consider as many constituencies, no job that requires as much of you and gives so little. The President is also severely, almost laughably unpaid — Matthew Dellavedova will make 30 times more money than Barack Obama will this year — and regardless of how great of a job you do, (at least) half of the country will hate you and pour all of their resources into getting you fired after four years.
And now, stepping into this position will be Donald Trump, a man who has never actually had a job.
I think he’s beginning to realize this too. The look on Trump’s face in those pictures with President Obama are a look of a shell-shocked man. The look of a man who took the Wasabi Challenge and is just now starting to regret his decision. The look of a 6th grader dragged to “Take Your Child To Work” Day, and already begging his dad to take him home before lunch. The look of a person who’s wanted a wedding his entire life, got it, but just now realized the wedding means he’s married to this entire fucking country.
2. He will do absolutely nothing substantive for his base, and it will be somewhat amusing watching them attempt to pretend that he is
I would give the skin off of the top of the back of my left pinky finger to be in the room when one of the working-class Trump sycophants cheers so loudly when hearing Obamacare has been repealed that they can’t hear the rest of the press conference.
“…oh, and we’re gonna drastically cut Welfare, Medicaid, farm aid, and Social Security too. Oh, and no taxes for anyone making over 250,000 a year. Trump out, bitches. Peaaaaace.”
3. I think we’re officially done with the Clintons now
Maybe Bill and Hillary can finally go on that Royal Caribbean cruise they’ve always wanted to or something now. And if they choose to do that, I’d recommend them stopping at Twin Brothers when they get to Nassau. And they should probably order the conch fritters because they’re amazing.
4. We might see some kick-ass rap music
Look, I’m not one of those grouchy and grumpy mid-30s cats who bitches incessantly about how soft and wack today’s rap is. I mean, I am grouchy and grumpy, but I actually appreciate the (relative) diversity and freedom within hip-hop today. Shit, I’m one of the six people on Earth who prefers post-808s Kanye’s music to College Dropout-era Ye.
That said, rap music’s general ethos is inherently iconoclastic and disruptive. And I can imagine it being quite difficult to create furious music about The Man when America’s HNIC is an actual nigga. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that the two biggest names in rap during Obama’s presidency were a guy who worked at The Gap and a guy who still rocks Gap sweaters. Not that there’s anything wrong with any of that. But it’s just a thing that happened for a reason.
Anyway, maybe the reaction to Trump’s term will usher in the type of rap music that’ll finally make your barber smile again.
5. Maybe, just maybe, the Democratic party will stop taking the Black vote for granted
While it’s definitely true that the election results are not on us at all — and that “good” White people are culpable too; and that Black women came through like always — it is also true that a more engaged Black vote could have swung the election. Of course, there are myriad very real reasons why we didn’t show up at the polls the same way we did in 2008 and 2012. Voter suppression is not a myth.
But even with the lengths the Republicans took to prevent us from voting, maybe we still would have shown up if the Democratic party actually paid attention to us instead of pandered when they needed some help. Maybe instead of pushing and promoting status quo candidates — and then having that candidate choose to run with the human equivalent of a Toyota Highlander (Seriously, Tim Kaine was so “eh” as a running mate that I literally just had to google “Hillary’s running mate” to remember this nigga’s name) — the Democrats will actually try to win hearts and elections instead of just hoping not to lose.
Anyway, happy hour is in a couple hours. So if you’re looking for me, I’ll be the one with the Honey Jack, the (water) gun, and the pack of sandwiches.