Five Perfectly Practical Reasons Why Y’all Need To Stop Inviting Every Random-Ass White Person To The Cookout
Invariably, as the controversy over Bill Maher’s house nigga continues to persist, a peripheral conversation about Maher’s mythical cookout-invitee status has occurred. According to some of y’all — and by “some of y’all” I really mean “some of y’all” — Maher has done enough in his career to warrant enough of a benefit of the doubt to still score an invitation. Which is a strain of discussion that has always bothered me. Because y’all niggas are doing it wrong! Have you ever been to a fucking cookout? The goal should be to invite less people to them, not more. The perfect cookout is 20 people. Any more than that aint a cookout. It’s a Wu album. And if I’m making the invitations, I have no problem dis-inviting white niggas who believe they’re allowed to say nigga. Or people emailing me the day of about bringing some plus-one they met on NSBE Tinder. Or Kappas acting all kappaily and shit. Or people who regularly respond to texts with “lol” instead of “ha!” when the conversations clearly call for a “ha!” I will disinvite the fuck out of you, and I will sing “Hold My Liquor” while doing it. Why? Well, here’s five great reasons.
1. More people means more people bringing random casseroles and feckless meats
Again, why chance inviting extra White people when that increases the probability of E. coli?
2. More people means lighter take home plates
My take home plate needs to be some heavy shit that I’ll need to carry and caress with two hands — basically, my take-home plate needs to be able to work in an Atlanta strip club — so why would your bitch-ass invite a nigga-truther and weaken our take home reparations?
3. Inviting more quasi-problematic White people to the cookout means we can’t play our usual rounds of “Guess What This White Motherfucker At Work Did” Yahtzee!
An always underrated benefit of disinviting White people
4. More people means less places to sit
So now I gonna stand and try to cut this steak on a wind table because your bitch-ass needed to invite Katy Perry?
5. Long-ass second plate wait times
Cookout and communal eating etiquette usually dictates that you must wait until everyone has received plate one before you go for seconds. Which is annoying, but reasonable and acceptable. But all that reason and acceptability dissipates if I gotta wait for Darth Becky’s getting-niggas-arrested-for-nothing ass to fill her plate before I’m allowed to grab another handful of baked beans.
Do not put Darth Becky between me and my baked beans.