Five Perfectly Practical Reasons Why Y’all Need To Stop Inviting Every Random-Ass White Person To The Cookout » VSB

Featured, Race & Politics, Theory & Essay

Five Perfectly Practical Reasons Why Y’all Need To Stop Inviting Every Random-Ass White Person To The Cookout

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Invariably, as the controversy over Bill Maher’s house nigga continues to persist, a peripheral conversation about Maher’s mythical cookout-invitee status has occurred. According to some of y’all—and by “some of y’all” I really mean “some of y’all“—Maher has done enough in his career to warrant enough of a benefit of the doubt to still score an invitation. Which is a strain of discussion that has always bothered me. Because y’all niggas are doing it wrong! Have you ever been to a fucking cookout? The goal should be to invite less people to them, not more. The perfect cookout is 20 people. Any more than that aint a cookout. It’s a Wu album. And if I’m making the invitations, I have no problem dis-inviting white niggas who believe they’re allowed to say nigga. Or people emailing me the day of about bringing some plus-one they met on NSBE Tinder. Or Kappas acting all kappaily and shit. Or people who regularly respond to texts with “lol” instead of “ha!” when the conversations clearly call for a “ha!” I will disinvite the fuck out of you, and I will sing “Hold My Liquor” while doing it. Why? Well, here’s five great reasons.

1. More people means more people bringing random casseroles and feckless meats

Again, why chance inviting extra White people when that increases the probability of E. coli?

2. More people means lighter take home plates

My take home plate needs to be some heavy shit that I’ll need to carry and caress with two hands — basically, my take-home plate needs to be able to work in an Atlanta strip club — so why would your bitch-ass invite a nigga-truther and weaken our take home reparations?

3. Inviting more quasi-problematic White people to the cookout means we can’t play our usual rounds of “Guess What This White Motherfucker At Work Did” Yahtzee!

An always underrated benefit of disinviting White people

4. More people means less places to sit

So now I gonna stand and try to cut this steak on a wind table because your bitch-ass needed to invite Katy Perry?

5. Long-ass second plate wait times

Cookout and communal eating etiquette usually dictates that you must wait until everyone has received plate one before you go for seconds. Which is annoying, but reasonable and acceptable. But all that reason and acceptability dissipates if I gotta wait for Darth Becky’s getting-niggas-arrested-for-nothing ass to fill her plate before I’m allowed to grab another handful of baked beans.

Do not put Darth Becky between me and my baked beans.

Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a columnist for GQ.com And he's working on a book of essays to be published by Ecco (HarperCollins). Damon is busy. He lives in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes. Reach him at damon@verysmartbrothas.com. Or don't. Whatever.

  • KMN

    #6 – some of them have questionable hand washing habits at work so I KNOW they are questionable outside of work…so yeah lol

    • Kat

      My coworker doesn’t wash her hands after using the bathroom…. I find this so odd. Just odd. She seems human.

      • KMN

        That’s just so NASTY esp after you’ve taken a #2…like what part of possible feces under your nails do you NOT understand ugh…that’s why I only eat my “Auntie’s” deviled eggs. Yes shes clean…yes shes black roflol…

        • Kat

          The first time…I dismissed it, thinking I just missed her washing her hands. Second time, my core was shook. I’m still puzzled.

          • Nala84

            My classmates would go to the sink, fix their hair, and walk out, I’d stand there in disbelief thinking ‘dude you were at the sink! WTH?’

            • Junegirl627

              I asked once and got told that germs are good, and the reason we get sick so easily is because we wash too much and our bodies can’t build natural antibodies against germs. and I told them that that’s what drugs are for and they nasty!

              • pls

                Wow! They really are something else!

        • conlakappa

          A colleague would take an intended-for-whole-office publication into the bathroom for his daily crap. We were a lobby shop so it wa something tabloid sized. Maybe The Hill. It was so gross to know his routine and schedule but he compounded it by bringing you that edition after because he saw an article that he thought would be of interest and/or useful for work. No, not kidding. I don’t know what others did but I made him set it down. I then used tissues to handle it/turn the pages.

      • J.E. Pierson

        Then they go right into the kitchen and touch the fridge or the Kuerig

        • Kat

          Yep. You just made my soul die a little. I forgot about the communal Kuerig.

          • Naomi

            forget Ha I have to say LOL for your comment.

        • conlakappa

          Keurig, water cooler, fridge, cabnets, any door… I don’t touch any door directly. On DC metro now, which is frighteningly so rarely cleaned…

      • NonyaB?

        Oh heII NAH. I’m finna call you out on it, especially if you’re in my dept/group, therefore in close contact with communal food, kitchen, appliances and me/my desk! People are so goddamn filthy. Find a method (direct/anonymous/HR-led, blunt/gently, whatever) but that needs to be neutralized because that’s a walking risk to group food poisoning or contagious disease.

      • GenevaGirl

        You need to speak to her about that and provide her with some print outs of why that is nasty.

      • Junegirl627

        She bought the lie they sold about her “meow” being made of baby powder and good tidings….smh

        • Kat

          I look at her and I know this isn’t true…lmbao Just ain’t true.

          • Junegirl627

            dont tell her that lol

    • TheUnsungStoryteller

      Ohh I’ve straight up asked someone once if they were going to wash their hands as they were leaving the restroom. Safety reasons and I ain’t never scared.

      • Yep and then wanna touch EVERY dayum thing.

        • Looking4Treble

          Which is just why I have hand sanitizer in my office and in my car, and I use it after every encounter when someone wants to shake hands. I ain’t going to the ER ’cause you can’t practice basic hygiene.

          • Yes!

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          • pls

            Why are they so insistent on shaking hands???!!! It’s like they know what they are doing!

            The times where I’ve been confined to small spaces with them I ALWAYS end up catching some weird ish.

            I didn’t even know humans could get hand-foot-mouth disease; these mf-ers showing up to work talmbout “I had the flu.” I SEE THEM BUMPS BIH!

            • Looking4Treble

              HA! Watch your back, so you don’t end up growing an extra limb ’cause of something you picked up from that handshake!

        • Junegirl627

          Not even low key nasty! They go ham! like naw they won’t bare hand pick around the edges of the fruit salad nah that’s not doing enough they want the big chunk of mango in the middle under all the pineapple, strawberries, that they need to manually move the kiwi slices out the way to get to then lick they fingers and go back for one of the strawberries they bypassed on the first time.

          • JessicaL

            Ugh my coworker was emptying the trash for the night and then licked her fingers to open the bag. I almost got sick. I had to tell her Imma need you to not touch garbage then lick your fingers.

            Which brings me to another point. Whyou do they have to lock their fingers and touch money or paperwork. I cringe every time I see it.

            • Another Man’s Rhubarb

              yes! whyyyyy!!

            • Naomi

              Jessica, what we don’t know is that it has to be a secret Jedi trick to improve her immune system. She will outlive us all in a zombie apocalypse! Ha!

          • Another Man’s Rhubarb

            “they need to manually move the kiwi slices out the way to get to then lick they fingers and go back for one of the strawberries they bypassed on the first time.”

            The accuracy tho!

          • Naomi

            Your post reminded me of an incident that happened at work some years ago. Someone from another department brought in “the mother of all fruit platters.” This thing was so gorgeous it should have been animated.

            I went to get a plate and a fork and turned around to see this woman hunched over with a fork trying to spear the fruit that was in the CENTER. She would miss and dip her fork back into the platter with a splash then giggle. (Yes, so the fruit was sitting in a bath of ice water as a means of keeping fruit fresh or the better distribution system for bacteria – your call)

            Well my heart absolutely sank. I told her, “Don’t do that because you are spreading GERMS.”

            She and an Indian guy made fun of me calling me a germaphobe while they both dipped their forks in the platter. I put my plate down and walked away. Fast forward a week or two later the both of them were out sick.

      • KMN

        I ain’t mad at you…I look at you with very disapproving eyes and then i’ll pettily talk about yourass in front of your face when talking about hand washing without saying your name…because #teampetty lmao

      • I_AmU

        If you see something say something” and be prepared for whatever comes next.

      • pls

        A friend made a fuss about getting to the restroom quickly bc it was that time of the month for her. I didn’t need to go so I just washed my hands while waiting simply bc I was inside a public bathroom. Do you know this bih walked past the sinks and straight to the door when she came out the stall? When I told her to get her azz in front of that mirror and scrub her hands she said, “Well I didn’t touch anything and nothing got on my hands.” *shudders*

        I have so many stories from rooming with white girls. Any black guy that dates them gets the side eye from me based on that alone, eff the color of their skin!

        • Wise Old Owl

          Well, yes, Becky is nasty and so is Biff…they takes pisses and $hits at work and neither flush or wash their hands…any Black Woman, who swirls with filth like that, gets the side eye as well from me…..nothing special about Becky or Biff..

    • Brother Mouzone

      You ain’t NEVA lied on that one.

    • Nala84

      So true! I saw so many women leave the bathroom without washing their hands when I was in grad school I started “joking” about it on Facebook in hopes my classmates would get embarrassed and start… they didn’t.

      • KMN

        Girl they swear up and down that fine mist of a water spritz is enough to kill the germs on their hands. Um NO mafugga it ain’t lmao now go over there and put some soap and let that water run HOT to kill those germs…nassy heffa

    • Asano Sokato

      Their hand washing is impeccable. They wash their hands of everything. Everything.

      • KMN

        See I need more sleep lolol I JUST got this….I legit had to go to sleep and reread this to understand…I’m so sad :(
        And you’re SO right roflol

      • pls

        clever!

      • jarednotjerrad

        I saw this comment and kept scrolling, then had to come back just to upvote. I see what you did there!

    • Wise Old Owl

      #7- some of them have pets that they kiss in the mouth and allow them to help make the tuna casserole that they insist on bringing to the cookout…

      • Naomi

        Wait, the pets are helping, now? LOL

        • Wise Old Owl

          Yes, been helping and tasting that nasty casserole you sampled in order to be nice to your coworkers…

      • KMN

        OMG YES like stay far FAR away from me and i’ll stay far far away from this slop you decided to bestow pon us…nasty heffa lmao

  • jarednotjerrad

    Just don’t. And if you catch a wild hair and invite somebody to MY cookout at MY house without approval, both of y’all have got to go.

  • PDL….HE still working on me

    Oh, ummm, eh, I didn’t know dwights were invited to bbqs.

    • HouseOfBonnets

      People have been amuck….. Just inviting everybody with no permission.

      • miss t-lee

        Girl…folks give out passes with no kinda cred.

        • Ess Tee

          Alllllll the damn time! I’m like, if alllll these passes going out, what you’re really saying is that it’s gonna be a white azz cookout?

          • Quirlygirly

            Right..the cookout gonna get gentrified

          • miss t-lee

            LISTENNNN.

      • PDL….HE still working on me

        Exactly. We need folks tk get clearance.

    • I don’t get why homies invite White girls. You already know she like niqqas, b.

      • Brooklyn_Bruin

        Where has Caitlin run off to?

        • What happened to her lipstick?

        • Brother Mouzone

          Upstairs wit Dayquan…

      • PDL….HE still working on me

        Me either. Well, I have an idea why but you ain’t gotta bust up the bbq

  • Any unknown white person I see at a cookout has second-class citizen status. Sorry, not sorry.

  • Asano Sokato

    Not to be overlooked: reexamine who in the fam invited Maher. They may need a talking to.

    • Marceline

      I blame crazy uncle Cornell West.

      • manofmorehouse

        Or Superhea…..I mean Karrine Steffans

        • Marceline

          She didn’t give him an invite to the cookout though did she? She just dropped them drawers. It’s people like West and Killer Mike who let Maher think he’s got some kind of hood pass.

          • Bill Maher isn’t going to anybody’s hood. Especially now.

            • truthseeker2436577@yahoo.com

              Exactly.

        • Mary Burrell

          You beat me to it.

    • miss t-lee

      One of them ladies he was knocking down probably invited him.

      • He loves/hates black women, doesn’t he?

        • miss t-lee

          He might love Black _______, not sure about the women though.

          • My point exactly.

          • Marceline

            Wayne Brady nailed this on Aisha Tyler’s podcast years ago.

            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LpGgQX9frSY

            • miss t-lee

              I’d never seen this, only his comments on Huff Post Live…lol

              • CheGueverraWitBlingOn

                An you ain’t hear a peep from Bill Maher in response either, ’cause he knows he doesn’t want that work.

                • miss t-lee

                  Bingo.

                • miss t-lee

                  Facts.

            • MSNY

              Yooo Wayne spoke the truth.

        • Brother Mouzone

          Most wydudes like Black p***y, that’s not a shocker. But then they try to parlay that into a “pass” or into “hood points”. The worst part is, some of us GIVE them said credit for their Black p***y love.

    • Mary Burrell

      I blame Supa Head.

    • KNeale

      Amen because some of these invites get extended for tapping their finger on beat one time. Its ridiculous. So I’m looking at us like damb how much brainwashing is left to undo when we “oh schitt-she invited to the cookout!” because she knows one Tupac song. I’m looking at all these people extending invites out the side of my eye. This has got to stop!!!

      • Kat

        Thank you. Quit inviting folks in general. Be comfortable with your own company…lol

  • HouseOfBonnets

    Tbh number one is reason enough….. We already gotta screen some of our own aunties I don’t have time for screening Sharon’s recipe for red beans and rice she found on pintrest. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/93b0607ec66f5c0b958eec0d73d365f28808581dfc1f3b0e8fc48dcc08494caf.gif

  • siante

    30 minutes til I have to leave work though? lol

    • I still have 52 minutes. No bueno.

      • siante

        hang in there

    • Lucille A Bluth

      50 minutes for me. Issa procrastination party, now.

  • miss t-lee

    My invites to anything aren’t easily given.
    IRL and online.

    My question is…has someone disinvited Killer Mike?

    • HouseOfBonnets

      ……….. If Bill still getting invites I doubt it petty mentor.

      • miss t-lee

        He wouldn’t be invited to anything I had.

        • HouseOfBonnets

          True but unfortunately everybody ain’t us lol

          • miss t-lee

            You right girl.
            You right!

    • What Mike do?

    • NonyaB?

      T to the point with surgical precision.

      • miss t-lee

        Just like that…lol

  • Lucille A Bluth

    Some of us are so quick to give away our prized pastimes and possessions (I’m not sharing my henny and Bulleit with randos, TF?!) to them, literally and figuratively, but I don’t see them passing our cards for Club Privilege.

  • NSBE Tinder cracks me up. So many of my wife’s single friend struggle with SoulSwipe- especially with the white men on their who always ask them if “they’re down with the swirl?”

    I personally only invite enough people for a game of spades or Black Card Revoked to the cookout. Any gathering larger than that is happening at a sports bar or Dave’s and Buster’s so I can ghost after two drinks.

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