Five Legitimately F*cked Up Things All Men Do To Women (Yes. All.)

"You sure you don't want some Kool-Aid? I'll even get you some ice. And a pickle."

We’ve all been there before.

Girl invites boy over for movies, lukewarm purple Kool-Aid, and the unspoken assertion that, unless Boy shows up smelling like pickles or dressed like Chris Brown, Boy and Girl are going to have sex that night. Boy manages not to mess things up, and, lo and behold, the night ends with Boy and Girl making the beast with two backs. Boy and Girl have had sex with each other before, so this is no big deal. But, for whatever reason, sex seems to be a bit more intense tonight. The “mac and cheese” sound¹ is in full effect as moans are a little louder, growls are a little deeper, and the concept of time is a complete non-motherf*cking factor. Boy has a laser beam-like focus on Girl’s various spots, making Girl speak languages that have been dead for five centuries. When Girl eventually climaxes, the earth will shake, the moon will blush, and the ghosts of Ikea will place a phantom order to replace Girl’s soon to be broken bed. Girl enthusiastically lets Boy know that she’s 32 to 47 seconds away from orgasm, a statement that excites Boy and forces him hit spots with even more precision. Unfortunately, Boy becomes a bit too excited, and Boy climaxes right when Girl has hit the 5 to 8 second mark. Boy, realizing Girl’s thisclose to a cop calling orgasm, tries to finish the job, but isn’t erect enough to hit Girl’s spots anymore. Seconds later, Boy is completely flaccid. Boy rolls over, says “I’m sorry” and offers to get Girl some lukewarm Kool-Aid while Girl lays in bed and wonders if a female judge would acquit her if she happens to kill Boy but tells the judge her reasoning for the murder.

Regardless of age, color, creed, and feelings about Linsanity, every sexually active man reading this has “stopped short” before. We can’t help it. Even though we know that if we can hold off for just 10 more seconds your body will turn hot day fire hydrant, sometimes we’re just unable to stop.

Sure, there are certain ways to prolong things when this happens (i.e.: think about Kurt Cobain, switch positions, scream “Don’t move a gotdamn inch!!!!”, etc), but sometimes things reach a point of no return, and the woman’s near climax will be forever lost to the deep, dark, surprisingly damp, and surprisingly angry space in space where “close, but not quite orgasms” eventually settle.

Anyway, “stopping short” is just one of the many legitimately f*cked up things all men do to women, and here’s four more. 

2. Eat all of your food, and drink each of your beverages

Out of all the things on this list, this one isn’t really our fault. You can’t say things like “Make yourself at home.” and then get pissed when we take you to your word and eat all of your leftover pizza, half of your Cheetos, each of your lettuce wraps, and a full slab of your turkey bacon. 

3. Pretend like we did absolutely nothing to encourage women to continue flirting with us

It’s usually nothing too disrespectful or too egregious. But, despite how much we feign ignorance, we know when women are flirting with us, and we also know that all it takes to dead the flirting is to act indifferent, apathetic, or even occasionally annoyed. Despite this knowledge, we’ll still return the smile or the hug or the lunch invitation or even ever so slightly laugh at her attempt at “Ok, I’m going to say something that’s supposed to be funny. It’s clearly not, though. Let’s see if he takes the bait and laughs” humor.

4. Intentionally give awful dating advice

My favorite is when men suggest that, since it’s the 21st century, chicks need to “woman up” and start approaching guys.

Nevermind the fact that no man in the history of mandom has ever been in a happy and healthy relationship with a woman who approached, bagged, and pursued him. We’re generally lazy motherf*ckers who just enjoy when women put in some of the work…even though these “working” women probably aint ever gonna make it past the 2am Wendy’s drive-thru.

5. Pretend like we’re completely unable to remember birthdays, anniversaries, plans, shopping instructions, and any other information more important to you than it is to us

Admittedly, I probably do this more than anything else on the list. I can tell you exactly what Michael Jordan’s average PPG was in the 86-87 NBA season without googling it (37.1), but if a woman I happen to be seeing asks me to remember to pick up some eggs and celery from the store before I come home, my brain all of a sudden turns Tyga as I’ll faux-try to remember those difficult-ass details so hard that I’ll start drooling; a elaborate subterfuge with a clear and precise goal in mind: She never asks me to do that again

Anyway people of VSB, I’m sure I’m forgetting a few. Can you think of any other legitimately f*cked up things all men regularly do to women? Also, fellas, can you think of legitimately sh*tty sh*t that all women do to us?

¹When sex is very good, it sounds like a pot of mac and cheese being mixed with a wooden spoon.

—Damon Young (aka “The Champ”) 

  • http://www.shellysaysso.com ShellySaysSo

    #1 will make u want to punch a man dead in his face lol…… #flashback

    • Gigi

      +1

    • http://www.shardesaidwhat.blogspot.com ShardeMarie

      I just give him a good kick in the throat.

      • http://rhondamae.wordpress.com R_G_Love

        A good swift one!

    • MissShell

      But, like, there is no reason on earth homeboy can’t muster up the energy to finish that ish with his hands at least. If he truly can’t, he just flat out ain’t worth it.

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

        But, like, there is no reason on earth homeboy can’t muster up the energy to finish that ish with his hands at least. If he truly can’t, he just flat out ain’t worth it.

        you really want him to shove some dry ass fingers up in your woohah?

        • A Woman’s Eyes

          #1 can be remedied with his mouth, or a vibrating device.

          • http://challyshares.tumblr.com/ Nei Jae

            indeed.

            *mumbles*

            lazy arses

            • A Woman’s Eyes

              I’m just seeing this! lmao

        • MissShell

          Not to be crude, but if I was literally seconds away from coming when he did the deed, then I doubt his “dry ass fingers” are gonna be dry for long. Maybe it doesn’t work like that for some ladies but if I was fire-hydrant ready a minute ago, I’m prolly fire hydrant ready now.

        • Jade’sGirl

          LMBO!

      • Rod

        Yeah, I mean obviously the other methods aren’t as efficient… but you gotta at least try. Brothas gotta work it out.

        • Rachel

          other methods aren’t as efficient? have you studied anatomy, son? Don’t get me wrong, penetration is awesome, but its truly nowhere near the same neighborhood as ‘efficient’ ie, clitoral stimulation.

      • Jade’sGirl

        yes exactly!

    • xLadyTx

      THIS!

    • rhenewal

      For sure.

    • Chanelle

      lol just pull out the vibrator

    • ricardo

      dam!

  • Cher Nikki

    #2 is classic! Stay eatin’ my food. He has actually looked me dead in the face and said..”i’ma eat all your snacks” and went to town in the cabinets! SMH. Talking about…”you act like you can’t just buy more.”

    • MObetta

      LOL, ma’am you shoulda told him “and I’ma kick all your a$$”

    • SororSalsa

      I used to date a ninja who would consistently drink the last of my Pepsi One and NEVER tell me about it. Man…..when you get your mouth all set for it and there ain’t even a swallow left….SMH.

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

        when you get your mouth all set for it and there ain’t even a swallow left….SMH.

        gives you more incentive to swallow something else :)

        • SororSalsa

          Remember those dry ass fingers you mentioned above???? Well, my dry ass throat is NOT swallowing anything else until a sista gets her Pepsi One! :D

          • http://fourpageletter.wordpress.com keisha brown

            i actually laughed out loud at this. LMFAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

    • A Woman’s Eyes

      *lmao* I like that he warned you *lmao*

  • Dasugo

    Interesting. Never done 1-3, 4 and 5 maybe..

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      you lie!

  • Telekendall

    but that first one. . . Thanks Champ for making me angry ALLLLLLLL over again. . .

    • http://iamyourpeople.com/ I Am Your People

      I looooooooooooove your hair!

      • http://pinchmycheekie.wordpress.com Cheekie

        AIN’T IT THE BEST THING SINCE THE INFAMOUS PHRASE ABOUT SLICED BREAD?!

      • http://www.awordorthree.com Crystal Marie

        Yeah ur hair is awesome

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

        this thread needs to get a room

        • http://pinchmycheekie.wordpress.com Cheekie

          #hairenvy

    • http://afrikanmami.blogspot.com African Mami

      hey, I’m going to ask your hair on a date with mine. They need to get together and talk curl bizzness, yo curlz are the bizness.

      @ Champ,

      Room for what…I would think you’d be a willing participant. Oh wellz. Your loss!

      • Telekendall

        omg i just saw this. . . and i think this has got me the most excited i been since well. . . #1 almost happened. . . thanks guys!!!!!!

  • Iamnotakata

    I got a good one…just happened this weekend…go to Mardi Gras for your boys bachelor party. (With your married asses) And talk to a group of girls and do everything to try and sleep with them…umm negroes aint sh!t. At least change ya status on FB and make your picks private really?

    • randomeffery

      i’m just getting back from mardi gras wknd, some of the men on the trip were married and errr umm uhh yeah :-/
      they definitely try.

      ish is depressing.

      • https://twitter.com/#!/IluminatiNYC Todd

        From what I understand, this transcends gender bounds. Heck, with some hurricanes and beads and hooting and hollering, a lot of women slip loose the surly bounds of matrimony and touch the faces of the Sex God. ;)

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

          “From what I understand, this transcends gender bounds. ”

          exactly

    • A Woman’s Eyes

      Why do I find it hilarious that married men would put that on Facebook in the first place on a public setting?

  • Keisha

    6. See a missed call and then send a text message instead of actually returning the phone call.

    • Cece

      That one ticks me off to no end. If I wanted to text you, I would have done that. Pick up the doggone phone!

      • JaeS

        This disinterested person of ANY sex… not just men. We’ll take those other’s but that one is universal.

        • Justmetheguy

          ” This disinterested person of ANY sex… not just men. We’ll take those other’s but that one is universal.”

          +1

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      what’s wrong with that?

      • Keisha

        It’s just irritating. I honestly would rather you just wait to call me until you’re free/have time and not text at all. That’s just me though…

      • Deviant

        Right? Maybe they don’t like the sound of your voice or you tend to go on and on about nothing.

    • http://asiyah3.wordpress.com Asiyah

      My best friend does that to me all the time. And I ask her why. I would totally get it if she was disinterested in talking to me, but no, she proceeds to have a 3-hour convo via text. That. Bothers. Me.

    • Jupiter Calhoun, knight of the lesser boulevards

      It’s a well known fact that men don’t like talking on the phone. It’s just not something we get excited about. The only possible exception would be those two hour long phone calls when you’re first dating, but those don’t count, because they’re a means to an end. (Specifically, your undergarments on our bedroom floor for the first time.)

  • http://www.shardesaidwhat.blogspot.com ShardeMarie

    “¹When sex is very good, it sounds like a pot of mac and cheese being mixed with a wooden spoon.”

    hahahaha True true true.

    • https://twitter.com/#!/IluminatiNYC Todd

      You and your gentle love making. You know, it can be good when you hear that rhythmic slap so hard that both of your hips hurt. Screw that mac ‘n cheese. I’ll save that for my Tims thanks. :)

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

        You know, it can be good when you hear that rhythmic slap so hard that both of your hips hurt

        there’s still a faint hint of mac and cheese when that happens, though

        • A Woman’s Eyes

          *rotfl*

    • http://fourpageletter.wordpress.com keisha brown

      i dont know if this analogy makes me hungry or horny.
      but i will never look at mac and cheese the same way.

      • http://challyshares.tumblr.com/ Nei Jae

        right!

      • spottieottiedarlin

        LMAO! This!

      • http://asiyah3.wordpress.com Asiyah

        Hungry. It makes me hungry.

    • Jupiter Calhoun, knight of the lesser boulevards

      I always thought it sounded more like smacking the bottom of a glass juice bottle. That’s a little test of mine. I mention that I love that sound and wait to see who blushes a little.

  • Alynrochelle

    I’m mad you thought you had to put that footnote about the mac n cheese, that’s just hilarious! I knew the moment I thought about it in my head and LOL’ed! Men are so guilty of #1.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      i may make a list of sh*tty things women do during sex tomorrow

      • Shelby

        Please and thanks.

      • Lauren

        Hmph…. You better start now… That’s a looooooooooooooooooooooong list….

      • A Woman’s Eyes

        lmao

  • Maximillian

    *stroking beard pensively*

    Hmm… none of this rings a bell….

    • http://rhondamae.wordpress.com R_G_Love

      This comment made me laugh almost as much as the mac n cheese statement! And no, the footnote wasn’t needed.

      • MObetta

        LOL, right…I think we got it…reading the footnote made me cover my ears (and is gonna make me laugh out loud the next time I’m getting it in…I just know it, lol)

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

          lol, you covered your ears?

        • http://rhondamae.wordpress.com R_G_Love

          I’m gonna laugh SO hard!!! And then whisper something like …pineapples…mashed potatoes…*insert dog barking*…idk ANYTHING to cover the mac n cheese sound!!! That should be like #4 or something on Champ’s list of “annoying things women do during sex.”

  • Torontostar

    Why was I JUST thinking about Mac and cheese? when that wooden spoon gets in all the crevices of the pan.The lord is my shepperd and HE knows what I want… Ms.Paaaarker

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      The lord is my shepperd and HE knows what I want…

      oh gosh

    • http://www.twitter.com/IntnseRndmnss Alana

      This made me Laugh out Loud……..