Five Great Alternatives Black America Should Seriously Consider For President » VSB

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Five Great Alternatives Black America Should Seriously Consider For President

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As Barack Obama’s second presidential term winds to a close, Black Americans are contemplating the sad prospect of holding their noses when they cast their votes for the next Commander-in-Chief. Instead of choosing the lesser of the remaining evils, here are five choices you should consider for the next Black President of the United States:

1. Cardi B 

If we are seriously considering the prospect that a reality star could be our next Head of State, then why not the bootylicious Bronx beauty from Love and Hip Hop: New York? Cardi B’s sneaky genius has manifested itself in countless quotes that reveal an unexpected intellect wrapped inside the body of an African goddess from Mars. When a Presidential debate moderator implores her to treat her Republican opponent nicely, voters would love to hear Cardi’s infamous retort, “I am being nice to you. Have I stabbed you? No. Then I’m being nice.

As tired as we are of half-truth, humdrum talking points, President B would reinvigorate the political process by addressing global warming with her platform of “A Ho never gets cold,” or confronting systematic inequality with “Bitch, I’m a human just like you. I like chicken with barbecue sauce just like you.”

I’m sure conservatives would be up in arms about a former exotic dancer as President, but many people aren’t aware that before he ascended to the Presidency, Rutherford B. Hayes was a male stripper named Senator Harry Weiner the Dick Slinger.

Campaign Slogan – The “B” Stands For “But Dat Ass, Tho”

2. Ta-Nehisi Coates 

He’s smart and well-versed in political dialogue. T-Neezy has become the de-facto leader of the Black intelligencia, so he might as well be out choice for President. We love Ta-Nehisi because he is unafraid to tell White people the unbuffed facts to their faces without sugar-coating the unpleasant truth. He is just like Donald Trump, except the exact opposite. Black America would rush to line up behind candidate Coates without hesitation for one reason: The debates. You know he is going to frustrate his White conservative opponent cry real tears when Coates throws undisputed facts in his face.

If you thought White America hated Obamacare, just wait until the Coates Reparations Act of 2017. We have been waiting for a candidate who wears a Kangol, but we don’t want Samuel L. Jackson to ever have a reason to stop making those commercials with Sir Charles and Spike Lee. 

Campaign Slogan: Run TNC

3. Morgan Freeman 

Morgan Freeman has played the Commander-in-Chief so many times, I’m willing to bet that if we conducted a Gallup Poll, 18% of Americans believe Morgan Freeman has already served a term as President. Another 11% Believe he is God. The electorate doesn’t even have to imagine him in the Oval Office because we already have ample footage. White America is uneasy with Black leadership, but they might trust the guy who stopped a meteor from hitting the earth.

With his voice alone, Freeman would bring a gravitas to the office that no other politician could. In the age of weather disasters, ISIS and other existential threats, whose voice would you rather hear during a crisis, Ted Cruz’s reptilian squawking, or the soothing baritone of America’s favorite magical negro?

Campaign Slogan: Vote For Morgan Freeman. I’m God and I approve this message.

4. Michelle Obama 

You know Michelle Obama is going to be President one day, right? We might as well get on with it. She has a degree from Princeton and Harvard Law School. She spent her entire career in public service and education. She was a record-setting fundraiser in the private sector. Michelle Obama’s resume makes Hillary Clinton’s look like a high school junior’s Wal Mart application.

Aside from her obvious credentials, she is the only person equipped to solve the problems in the  Middle East. She might not have very much foreign policy experience, but she has dealt with more unreasonable hate than almost anyone in the history of mankind. The vitriol white people have thrown at the first lady makes the Sunni vs. Shiite conflict look like a Sasha vs Malia pillowfight. A Black mother is the greatest problem solver in the world and the First Lady has raised two-well adjusted Black children in front of America. If you lock the Israelis, the Palestinians and Michelle Obama in a room, I give them 30 minutes before they emerge shaking hands, whimpering “yes ma’am” in Arabic and Hebrew. 45, tops.

Campaign Slogan: Vote Michelle: Don’t make me come over there!

5. Omar from The Wire

Not the actor Michael K. Williamson, I’m talking about the character Omar Little from HBO’s hit television series. I’m sure some people will say “but he’s a fictional character”—but so is Donald Trump. I’m convinced I’m going to wake up one day and all White America will be laughing at how they convinced us that the orange-haired Hitler could actually become head of State. I’m holding out hope that his candidacy is all an elaborate prank from the producers of Punk’d.

Omar, however, would make a great President, especially if he selected Brother Mouzone as VP. America needs a chief executive who garners global respect. Omar is that man. You think Putin would act like an asshole if O was sitting in the United Nations General Assembly in his trench coat with a do-rag tied tightly over his cornrows? You think Kim Jong Un would continue testing nuclear missiles off the coast of North Korea after President Little called him up on the red phone and whispered “You come at the king, you best not miss”?

Campaign Slogan: Omar Coming!

Michael Harriot

Michael Harriot is a podcaster, spoken word poet, editor of the daily digital magazine NegusWhoRead.com and one of the greatest peanut butter and jelly sandwich makers of our time.

  • Jbjbjbjbj

    I really want to see Michelle Obama in the oval office. Change.org petition? I think she would cuss whoever starts it smooth the h3’ll out…so…

  • brothaskeeper

    Climate change will make but a puddle compared to all the white tears that will flow when Michelle becomes POTUS.

  • Dougie

    I hollered LOUDLY when Cardi B was the first choice.

    • Val

      I only know who Cardi B is because of her tongue. ;-) Seems like it’s her trademark or something.

      • Brass Tacks

        runs to google

        • brothaskeeper

          *follows*

          • Kas

            Effing line at Google today

            • Charles Johnson

              Bing is great! *Crickets*

        • brothaskeeper

          I was mildly impressed, but I’ve seen more monumental lady tongues, especially when *redacted*.

          • Brass Tacks

            All that tongue and head game still prolly whack.

      • Cleojonz

        I had to look her up lol.

      • TeeChantel

        Yeah, she talked about it a couple of times on LHH. She’s quite a character.

      • Kakey’s tongue >>>>>>>>>>>

      • truthseeker2436577@yahoo.com

        I didn’t know about Cardi B until recently too.

  • Mr. Quojo .

    I vote for Dave Chappelle, but he has to stay in full character as Black Bush. I would pay money to be in a front row seat at the first state of the union.

    • TeeChantel

      Good choice. Dave Chappelle would be epic.

      • Eleanorbblake1

        “my room mate Lori Is getting paid on the internet 98$/hr”..,n….,……!cn160ctwo days ago grey MacLaren P1 I bought after earning 18,512 DoIIars..it was my previous month’s payout..just a little over.17k DoIIars Last month..3-5 hours job a day…with weekly payouts..it’s realy the simplest. job I have ever Do.. I Joined This 7 months. ago. and now making over. hourly 87 DoIIars…Learn. More right Here !cn160n:?:?:???? http://GlobalSuperJobsReportsEmploymentsPartsGetPayHourly$98…. .??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??::::::!cn160n….,….

      • Queenmcarr1

        “my room mate Lori Is getting paid on the internet 98$/hr”…..!cs23ctwo days ago grey MacLaren P1 I bought after earning 18,512 DoIIars..it was my previous month’s payout..just a little over.17k DoIIars Last month..3-5 hours job a day…with weekly payouts..it’s realy the simplest. job I have ever Do.. I Joined This 7 months. ago. and now making over. hourly 87 DoIIars…Learn. More right Here !cs23n:?:?:???? http://GlobalSuperJobsReportsEmploymentsAeroGetPayHourly$98…. .??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??::::::!cs23n….,….

  • PDL – Cape Girl

    Sniggle…..Nobody but Michelle Obama should be considered from this list.

    My manager just left (yay), got a late afternoon flight. It was a nice visit, great lunch, but a sister can’t peek around dees parts with the big boss man hovering around :) Even keeled and mad cool

    • brothaskeeper

      Be safe as you fly away from de plantation!

      • PDL – Cape Girl

        He’s the one flying out. Yay! I said that already huh? Like I said, supercool, but having a manager on site makes me itch. I haven’t had one on site for what 6 years or so now?

  • OG Mermaid

    “Michelle Obama’s resume makes Hillary Clinton’s look like a high school junior’s Wal Mart application.”

    And with this I have officially died. Time of death: 1:57pm CST. Tell my mama I love her and remember no airbrush shirts with cropped photos of myself at the funeral or thereafter please.

    Sincerely,
    Management.

    • Kas

      Just one T-shirt to lay over the casket?

      • OG Mermaid

        I’ll rise up like Lazarus

      • Abby

        Please tell me that’s not a thing.

    • TomIron361

      Isn’t Michelle Obama a brutha?

  • Val

    Morgan Freeman? Nah, he’s New Black. We must unite to keep New Black folks out of elected office. And off of talk shows.

    • PDL – Cape Girl

      You ain’t never lied

    • Londa

      I don’t know, Val. I know he’s had some “issues,” but he looks as if he’s the type of brother who’s fond of saying, “Don’t let this bougie fool you. I will spank that a$$ if you step to me wrong.” I think he’s handed out many butt whoopin’s in his day and wouldn’t mind handing out a few more.
      That being said, I’m not voting for him. I’ve got my money on Michelle. And, I’m writing in Angela Bassett as her running partner. For no other reason that because I want to.

      • OG Mermaid

        I could see Angela Bassett as Bernadine (Waiting to Exhale) for VP.

      • Val

        We could def find a spot for Angela. We’d have to create a Dept of Looking Young or something for her. Lol

        • black-a-rican

          With Elise Neal as her deputy director.

        • truthseeker2436577@yahoo.com

          Teach.

        • Remember when Angela was the only Black woman who dared to bare her arms? Team her up with Michelle. Two bad bass bare armed women in the White House? World don’t stand a chance.

    • brothaskeeper

      I’ll vote for Morgan Freeman as Joe Clark.

      • Val

        Joe is part Hotep though. Lol And he’d be yelling at us.

        • Brandon Allen

          It’s not Joe’s fault tho. You gotta remember being a hotep was supposedly being woke once upon a time.

        • brothaskeeper

          His verbiage, tho….

    • Mochasister

      That’s what I was thinking. He’s made some….interesting comments about race.

  • Ashley Adams

    I kinda hate that I don’t disagree with a single point here. I’m ready to cast my vote

  • Courtney Wheeler

    “Campaign Slogan: Vote Michelle: Don’t make me come over there!”

    That right there……

    I’m in my 30’s and if I hear that phrase right now I straighten myself up…

    • brothaskeeper

      For me it’s, “if you EVER….”

      Alternate slogan: Michelle: I wish you would!

      • Courtney Wheeler

        Or “now when we get in this store you better…..”

        • brothaskeeper

          *cringes*

      • Val

        It cracks me up becasue that’s Michelle’s resting face . She isn’t even mad. White folks just never got that so they were always accusing her of being angry.

        • brothaskeeper

          Well, her resting face makes me set up straight and stop kicking the back of the pew!

        • Tambra

          For them all black people are angry if they are not in Minstrel wear.

          • Kas

            Even Black people think I have an angry resting face. It’s a family trait. Oddly enough, my family is quick to laugh.

        • TomIron361

          Doesn’t “she” look like the beast from 20,000 leagues under the sea?

        • Mochasister

          I don’t know. Sis be giving them looks like she bout to cut someone in the eyelid.

      • PDL – Cape Girl

        Michelle is alright with me! Her eyes are speaking code…code whatever, between the two of them. Yaaas hunty!

        • Mochasister

          I read it like “I wish you would” code.

      • KB

        This reminds me of the series of pics from Nelson Mandela’s funeral where it looked like Barack was being too chatty with the princess of spain I believe it was so from the pics it looked like Michelle got between the two of them so they couldn’t talk. That’s some real black momma ish

      • KB

        This had me crying laughing

        • Ess Tee

          Oh, to be the pin on the president’s lapel that day to *hear* how that all went down.

    • As long as she doesn’t use my First, middle and last names I’ll be alright.

  • MissMiamiHeatNation

    We can’t let Cardi into office, her first official move would be some ish like free injections and waist trainers with Tea purchase! LOL

    Now our current FLOTUS would be a good choice. I’d also vote for Michael simply because ever since he played Dirty Kurt from Detroit, I’ve been in love with him…I think it’s the accent, maybe?

    • Considering the BS government wastes money on, free injections and waist trainers isn’t so horrible. Better than pork going out to some rural congressional district.

      Wait…I’m about to endorse Cardi B for President. Pray for America.

      • MissMiamiHeatNation

        Exactly. LOL (endorsing Cardi)

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