Dating, Relationships, & Sex, Lists, Theory & Essay

five completely selfish reasons why i’ve never cheated

kanye_shrug1

although i’ve always suspected that i live in a bit of a vacuum, the conversations i’ve had, heard, and read over the past couple of weeks have basically confirmed this. apparently infidelity is the new 30, and my lack of experience in this arena apparently either means that i’m hopelessly behind the cheating curve (the preferred option) or so undesirable that both me and the equally undesirable women i’ve chosen to be with exist in cheat-free alternate universes (the, ummm, unpreferred option)

thing is, even if you disregard the “cheating is wrong and sh*t” thought, the idea of cheating has never even really been a relevant issue for me, for five completely separate and somewhat selfish reasons.

1. i’m lazy as hell

the walls in the dining area (“area” because calling it a “room” would be like calling the mud puddle in my parking lot a swamp) of my apartment are decorated with framed 24 x 36 inch vintage art posters. sure, they’re a bit cliche and definitely pretentious, but they’re colorful and black chicks with glasses, asses, and advanced degrees seem to dig them.

anyway, this framed poster…

399986_Liquore-da-Dessert

…is actually laying on the floor next to my dining area table. it fell off the wall when my air conditioning broke, making my apartment so hot for a week or so that the wall adhesive basically melted, and its been there ever since because i’ve been too lazy to put it back up.

if that alone doesn’t convince you of my transcendent laziness, lemme inform you that this frame fell in august…of 2008

basically, a man who has spent 18 months walking past a fallen picture of a wino monkey because he just hasn’t felt like putting it back up yet probably isn’t going to bother trying to juggle multiple chicks.

2. i’m a bit of an assh*le

to expound, i’m a bit of an assh*le who will break up with somebody i still actually like.

basically, while others might stay in a relationship where they’re still relatively happy, but cheat to fill whatever void they have, i don’t have a problem with just saying “sorry, this isn’t working,” pulling the kanye shrug and bouncing if i feel a strong inclination to step out.

3. it seems too time-consuming

between working, blogging, watching basketball, playing basketball-like activities three days a week, the time spent in showers taken after masturbat1ng, and the time spend b*tching about the state of black relationships over cheap beer, i barely have enough time for my one girlfriend as it is.

i hate using condoms

i know that isn’t the most politically correct thing to admit, especially in light of world syphilis awareness week or whatever the hell it is right now, but f*ck it. yeah, i get tested and blah, blah, blah, blah, but isn’t being able to say “hey, look, ma: no condoms!!!” one of the perks of being in a long-term and faithful relationship?

nevermind. don’t answer that.

4. i live in pittsburgh

a common saying about the burgh is that it’s the biggest small town in the country. while six degrees of separation may connect you to everyone everywhere else, the burgh’s unique dynamics make it so that its somewhere between seven tenths and one and a quarter here.

basically, if you can’t even go to a home depot in the hood on a thursday morning without running into (in order) an old teacher, your godsister, franco harris, and an old f-buddy from the summer of 2003, how the hell do you expect to be able to creep here without getting caught?

5. apparently i’m prone to make funny f-faces

i’m already self-conscious enough as it is. i don’t need a bunch of off-brand sluts knowing exactly what the champ looks and sounds like when he’s making baby champions.

anyway, in the past two weeks we’ve devoted approximately 372 entries and 10,000 comments to why people cheat, why monogamy is unreasonable, and why blasian n*ggas named eldrick can’t be trusted.

for the remaining seven percent of us who haven’t cheated on their mate, i have one question: why? why haven’t you stepped out, and what has allowed you be a faithful tree in a den of inequity and easy p*ssy?

also, for those who’ve cheated on some but not others, what made the difference? was it circumstance, condition, or did you just wake up one day and decide to stop being a b*tch ass muthaf*cker?

the floor is yours

—the champ

Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a contributing editor for EBONY.com. He resides in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes.

  • BmoreCreative

    um…..first. lol

    got nothing to add yet, lemme go read the post

  • BmoreCreative

    um…..first. lol

    got nothing to add yet, lemme go read the post

  • http://fromselahwith.blogspot.com Selah

    lol @ the wino monkey poster. I’m like that, too. smh.

    I was raised on Disney movies and Disney Channel original movies and the story always went: Boy and girl meet. They fall in love. They are happy forever…..There was never no cheatin azz bastid in Disney movies, so the thought didn’t occur to me. I’m faithful because I’ve always wanted fairy tale endings. Is there ever a fairy tale ending? No. But that doesn’t mean I can’t keep trying. lol. *shrugs*

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      @Selah,

      There was never no cheatin azz bastid in Disney movies, so the thought didn’t occur to me.

      in the original version of snow white there was actually an 8th dwarf named “footer” who’d sleep with her whenever she got lonely. he also used to fix appliances, and this is where the “maintenance man” term originally stemmed from

      • miss t-lee

        @The Champ,
        in the original version of snow white there was actually an 8th dwarf named “footer”

        *flatlines* LMAO

      • miss t-lee

        @The Champ,
        in the original version of snow white there was actually an 8th dwarf named “footer”

        *flatlines* LMAO

      • V.E.G.

        @The Champ,

        fool

      • V.E.G.

        @The Champ,

        fool

      • Selah

        @The Champ,

        LOL! .. how dare you try to sour such a timeless story.

      • Selah

        @The Champ,

        LOL! .. how dare you try to sour such a timeless story.

      • ComicBookGuy

        @The Champ,

        and this is where the “maintenance man” term originally stemmed from.

        Now that is truly funny.

      • ComicBookGuy

        @The Champ,

        and this is where the “maintenance man” term originally stemmed from.

        Now that is truly funny.

      • http://www.awesomelyluvvie.com Thuggie Luvvie

        @The Champ,

        U aint NO good for sullying this fairy tale.

        But umm… wouldnt it be great if they did a remake that included “footer?” It may end up on HBO. I may watch

      • http://www.awesomelyluvvie.com Thuggie Luvvie

        @The Champ,

        U aint NO good for sullying this fairy tale.

        But umm… wouldnt it be great if they did a remake that included “footer?” It may end up on HBO. I may watch

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      @Selah,

      There was never no cheatin azz bastid in Disney movies, so the thought didn’t occur to me.

      in the original version of snow white there was actually an 8th dwarf named “footer” who’d sleep with her whenever she got lonely. he also used to fix appliances, and this is where the “maintenance man” term originally stemmed from

  • http://fromselahwith.blogspot.com Selah

    lol @ the wino monkey poster. I’m like that, too. smh.

    I was raised on Disney movies and Disney Channel original movies and the story always went: Boy and girl meet. They fall in love. They are happy forever…..There was never no cheatin azz bastid in Disney movies, so the thought didn’t occur to me. I’m faithful because I’ve always wanted fairy tale endings. Is there ever a fairy tale ending? No. But that doesn’t mean I can’t keep trying. lol. *shrugs*

  • http://www.shay-d-lady.com shay-d-lady

    I have cheated on a guy for cheating on me. it was done purely for that fact and I really hurt a good dude and realized that I shouldn’t ever let someone change me into someone I’m not. and also I’m lazy and forgetful. hell when I was just dating random dudes I couldn’t keep the names and dates straight. I remember arguing this dude down that he took me to see jeepeers creepers. I mean got mad and everything cause he was like naw that was some other ninja……lol he was right

    • Mr. Gundam

      @shay-d-lady, I did the samething back in college. But, the weird part was it the sex didn’t like how it did with my ex. Anyway we broke up and I now just want see what happens when you walk the straight and narrow.

    • Mr. Gundam

      @shay-d-lady, I did the samething back in college. But, the weird part was it the sex didn’t like how it did with my ex. Anyway we broke up and I now just want see what happens when you walk the straight and narrow.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      @shay-d-lady,

      I remember arguing this dude down that he took me to see jeepeers creepers.

      i’d pay good money to watch someone cussing someone out about them being taken to see jeepers creepers (which, btw, is one of the most sneaky scary movies ever made. i mean, the whole time you’re watching it you’re laughing, but a part of you is definitely creeped out and a bit scared)

      • NIC

        @The Champ, touche on jeepers creepers…I didn’t expect the ending.

      • NIC

        @The Champ, touche on jeepers creepers…I didn’t expect the ending.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      @shay-d-lady,

      I remember arguing this dude down that he took me to see jeepeers creepers.

      i’d pay good money to watch someone cussing someone out about them being taken to see jeepers creepers (which, btw, is one of the most sneaky scary movies ever made. i mean, the whole time you’re watching it you’re laughing, but a part of you is definitely creeped out and a bit scared)

  • http://www.shay-d-lady.com shay-d-lady

    I have cheated on a guy for cheating on me. it was done purely for that fact and I really hurt a good dude and realized that I shouldn’t ever let someone change me into someone I’m not. and also I’m lazy and forgetful. hell when I was just dating random dudes I couldn’t keep the names and dates straight. I remember arguing this dude down that he took me to see jeepeers creepers. I mean got mad and everything cause he was like naw that was some other ninja……lol he was right

  • kidSistah

    my favorite is “i live in pittsburgh”. for all intents and purposes, small town-living sucks (except when you need the occasional hookup the your ex bf’s auntie is doing the hiring)

    And, yeah i’d have to say not wanting to get caught is probably at the top of most folks’ list. eldrick.

    • Mis.Education

      @kidSistah,

      Just want to say that I truly appreciate that you did NOT write “for all intensive purposes.”

      • kidSistah

        @Mis.Education,

        Thank you…though had you caught me up until about my sophomore/junior year of college, I would have just embarrassed myself.

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

          @kidSistah,

          had you caught me up until about my sophomore/junior year of college, I would have just embarrassed myself

          thats what she said

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

          @kidSistah,

          had you caught me up until about my sophomore/junior year of college, I would have just embarrassed myself

          thats what she said

      • kidSistah

        @Mis.Education,

        Thank you…though had you caught me up until about my sophomore/junior year of college, I would have just embarrassed myself.

      • Triple Crown ^^^ ^^^ ^^^

        @Mis.Education,

        I thought it was “intents and purposes?” Just caught me off guard. I know what you mean Mis.Educated.

        • Mis.Education

          @Triple Crown ^^^ ^^^ ^^^,

          It absolutely is! But I’m sure 82% of folks you come across state this phrase wrong…I was a part of that 82% for entirely too long. Just.Too.Long.

        • Mis.Education

          @Triple Crown ^^^ ^^^ ^^^,

          It absolutely is! But I’m sure 82% of folks you come across state this phrase wrong…I was a part of that 82% for entirely too long. Just.Too.Long.

      • Triple Crown ^^^ ^^^ ^^^

        @Mis.Education,

        I thought it was “intents and purposes?” Just caught me off guard. I know what you mean Mis.Educated.

    • Mis.Education

      @kidSistah,

      Just want to say that I truly appreciate that you did NOT write “for all intensive purposes.”

  • kidSistah

    my favorite is “i live in pittsburgh”. for all intents and purposes, small town-living sucks (except when you need the occasional hookup the your ex bf’s auntie is doing the hiring)

    And, yeah i’d have to say not wanting to get caught is probably at the top of most folks’ list. eldrick.

  • inHIcotton

    Cheating is what a woman might do if, say,
    she’s in a serious relationship
    that’s headed towards marriage,
    but her educated, upper middle class, medical resident boyfriend
    (who has a grrreat car and condo)
    is not physically attractive.
    -_-
    At all.
    For instance.

    • shatani

      @inHIcotton,

      i feel like you want to share. lol

      • cam1ll3

        @shatani,

        you get that feeling too?

      • cam1ll3

        @shatani,

        you get that feeling too?

      • mateosmuse

        @shatani,

        I also get that feeling, aint no thang girl, share:)

      • mateosmuse

        @shatani,

        I also get that feeling, aint no thang girl, share:)

    • shatani

      @inHIcotton,

      i feel like you want to share. lol

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      @inHIcotton,

      ok. who allowed jessica care moore to get through moderation?

      • overit

        @The Champ, ok. who allowed jessica care moore to get through moderation?

        rude, lol

      • overit

        @The Champ, ok. who allowed jessica care moore to get through moderation?

        rude, lol

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      @inHIcotton,

      ok. who allowed jessica care moore to get through moderation?

    • Soula Powa

      @inHIcotton,

      Ooh. Please don’t set yourself up for the massive FAIL that is marrying a man you are not attracted to. At all.

      Regardless of his grreat car and condo. #realninjaPSA

      • inHIcotton

        @Soula Powa,
        See, what had happened wuz…
        My evil plan allowed for a **first** husband.
        Like, a practice spouse?
        A dry run at matrimony.
        Yeah. That’s the ticket. ;^)

        • http://keepittrill.blogspot.com/ Kit (Keep It Trill)

          @inHIcotton, You spoke in past tense, so apparently your parasitic plan didn’t work. What happened?

        • http://keepittrill.blogspot.com/ Kit (Keep It Trill)

          @inHIcotton, You spoke in past tense, so apparently your parasitic plan didn’t work. What happened?

      • inHIcotton

        @Soula Powa,
        See, what had happened wuz…
        My evil plan allowed for a **first** husband.
        Like, a practice spouse?
        A dry run at matrimony.
        Yeah. That’s the ticket. ;^)

    • Soula Powa

      @inHIcotton,

      Ooh. Please don’t set yourself up for the massive FAIL that is marrying a man you are not attracted to. At all.

      Regardless of his grreat car and condo. #realninjaPSA

    • bittersweet’s baby

      @inHIcotton,

      Do Tell…Pick up after the Marital Test Dummy Experiment fizzled. Thx

    • bittersweet’s baby

      @inHIcotton,

      Do Tell…Pick up after the Marital Test Dummy Experiment fizzled. Thx

  • inHIcotton

    Cheating is what a woman might do if, say,
    she’s in a serious relationship
    that’s headed towards marriage,
    but her educated, upper middle class, medical resident boyfriend
    (who has a grrreat car and condo)
    is not physically attractive.
    -_-
    At all.
    For instance.

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