Dating, Relationships, & Sex, Lists, Theory & Essay

five completely selfish reasons why i’ve never cheated

kanye_shrug1

although i’ve always suspected that i live in a bit of a vacuum, the conversations i’ve had, heard, and read over the past couple of weeks have basically confirmed this. apparently infidelity is the new 30, and my lack of experience in this arena apparently either means that i’m hopelessly behind the cheating curve (the preferred option) or so undesirable that both me and the equally undesirable women i’ve chosen to be with exist in cheat-free alternate universes (the, ummm, unpreferred option)

thing is, even if you disregard the “cheating is wrong and sh*t” thought, the idea of cheating has never even really been a relevant issue for me, for five completely separate and somewhat selfish reasons.

1. i’m lazy as hell

the walls in the dining area (“area” because calling it a “room” would be like calling the mud puddle in my parking lot a swamp) of my apartment are decorated with framed 24 x 36 inch vintage art posters. sure, they’re a bit cliche and definitely pretentious, but they’re colorful and black chicks with glasses, asses, and advanced degrees seem to dig them.

anyway, this framed poster…

399986_Liquore-da-Dessert

…is actually laying on the floor next to my dining area table. it fell off the wall when my air conditioning broke, making my apartment so hot for a week or so that the wall adhesive basically melted, and its been there ever since because i’ve been too lazy to put it back up.

if that alone doesn’t convince you of my transcendent laziness, lemme inform you that this frame fell in august…of 2008

basically, a man who has spent 18 months walking past a fallen picture of a wino monkey because he just hasn’t felt like putting it back up yet probably isn’t going to bother trying to juggle multiple chicks.

2. i’m a bit of an assh*le

to expound, i’m a bit of an assh*le who will break up with somebody i still actually like.

basically, while others might stay in a relationship where they’re still relatively happy, but cheat to fill whatever void they have, i don’t have a problem with just saying “sorry, this isn’t working,” pulling the kanye shrug and bouncing if i feel a strong inclination to step out.

3. it seems too time-consuming

between working, blogging, watching basketball, playing basketball-like activities three days a week, the time spent in showers taken after masturbat1ng, and the time spend b*tching about the state of black relationships over cheap beer, i barely have enough time for my one girlfriend as it is.

i hate using condoms

i know that isn’t the most politically correct thing to admit, especially in light of world syphilis awareness week or whatever the hell it is right now, but f*ck it. yeah, i get tested and blah, blah, blah, blah, but isn’t being able to say “hey, look, ma: no condoms!!!” one of the perks of being in a long-term and faithful relationship?

nevermind. don’t answer that.

4. i live in pittsburgh

a common saying about the burgh is that it’s the biggest small town in the country. while six degrees of separation may connect you to everyone everywhere else, the burgh’s unique dynamics make it so that its somewhere between seven tenths and one and a quarter here.

basically, if you can’t even go to a home depot in the hood on a thursday morning without running into (in order) an old teacher, your godsister, franco harris, and an old f-buddy from the summer of 2003, how the hell do you expect to be able to creep here without getting caught?

5. apparently i’m prone to make funny f-faces

i’m already self-conscious enough as it is. i don’t need a bunch of off-brand sluts knowing exactly what the champ looks and sounds like when he’s making baby champions.

anyway, in the past two weeks we’ve devoted approximately 372 entries and 10,000 comments to why people cheat, why monogamy is unreasonable, and why blasian n*ggas named eldrick can’t be trusted.

for the remaining seven percent of us who haven’t cheated on their mate, i have one question: why? why haven’t you stepped out, and what has allowed you be a faithful tree in a den of inequity and easy p*ssy?

also, for those who’ve cheated on some but not others, what made the difference? was it circumstance, condition, or did you just wake up one day and decide to stop being a b*tch ass muthaf*cker?

the floor is yours

—the champ

Get a free iPhone and submit video clips to friends, photos or geolocation with links so simply. | Blair Stover

Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a contributing editor for EBONY.com. He resides in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes.

  • BmoreCreative

    um…..first. lol

    got nothing to add yet, lemme go read the post

  • http://fromselahwith.blogspot.com Selah

    lol @ the wino monkey poster. I’m like that, too. smh.

    I was raised on Disney movies and Disney Channel original movies and the story always went: Boy and girl meet. They fall in love. They are happy forever…..There was never no cheatin azz bastid in Disney movies, so the thought didn’t occur to me. I’m faithful because I’ve always wanted fairy tale endings. Is there ever a fairy tale ending? No. But that doesn’t mean I can’t keep trying. lol. *shrugs*

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      @Selah,

      There was never no cheatin azz bastid in Disney movies, so the thought didn’t occur to me.

      in the original version of snow white there was actually an 8th dwarf named “footer” who’d sleep with her whenever she got lonely. he also used to fix appliances, and this is where the “maintenance man” term originally stemmed from

      • miss t-lee

        @The Champ,
        in the original version of snow white there was actually an 8th dwarf named “footer”

        *flatlines* LMAO

      • V.E.G.

        @The Champ,

        fool

      • Selah

        @The Champ,

        LOL! .. how dare you try to sour such a timeless story.

      • ComicBookGuy

        @The Champ,

        and this is where the “maintenance man” term originally stemmed from.

        Now that is truly funny.

      • http://www.awesomelyluvvie.com Thuggie Luvvie

        @The Champ,

        U aint NO good for sullying this fairy tale.

        But umm… wouldnt it be great if they did a remake that included “footer?” It may end up on HBO. I may watch

  • http://www.shay-d-lady.com shay-d-lady

    I have cheated on a guy for cheating on me. it was done purely for that fact and I really hurt a good dude and realized that I shouldn’t ever let someone change me into someone I’m not. and also I’m lazy and forgetful. hell when I was just dating random dudes I couldn’t keep the names and dates straight. I remember arguing this dude down that he took me to see jeepeers creepers. I mean got mad and everything cause he was like naw that was some other ninja……lol he was right

    • Mr. Gundam

      @shay-d-lady, I did the samething back in college. But, the weird part was it the sex didn’t like how it did with my ex. Anyway we broke up and I now just want see what happens when you walk the straight and narrow.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      @shay-d-lady,

      I remember arguing this dude down that he took me to see jeepeers creepers.

      i’d pay good money to watch someone cussing someone out about them being taken to see jeepers creepers (which, btw, is one of the most sneaky scary movies ever made. i mean, the whole time you’re watching it you’re laughing, but a part of you is definitely creeped out and a bit scared)

      • NIC

        @The Champ, touche on jeepers creepers…I didn’t expect the ending.

  • kidSistah

    my favorite is “i live in pittsburgh”. for all intents and purposes, small town-living sucks (except when you need the occasional hookup the your ex bf’s auntie is doing the hiring)

    And, yeah i’d have to say not wanting to get caught is probably at the top of most folks’ list. eldrick.

    • Mis.Education

      @kidSistah,

      Just want to say that I truly appreciate that you did NOT write “for all intensive purposes.”

      • kidSistah

        @Mis.Education,

        Thank you…though had you caught me up until about my sophomore/junior year of college, I would have just embarrassed myself.

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

          @kidSistah,

          had you caught me up until about my sophomore/junior year of college, I would have just embarrassed myself

          thats what she said

      • Triple Crown ^^^ ^^^ ^^^

        @Mis.Education,

        I thought it was “intents and purposes?” Just caught me off guard. I know what you mean Mis.Educated.

        • Mis.Education

          @Triple Crown ^^^ ^^^ ^^^,

          It absolutely is! But I’m sure 82% of folks you come across state this phrase wrong…I was a part of that 82% for entirely too long. Just.Too.Long.

  • inHIcotton

    Cheating is what a woman might do if, say,
    she’s in a serious relationship
    that’s headed towards marriage,
    but her educated, upper middle class, medical resident boyfriend
    (who has a grrreat car and condo)
    is not physically attractive.
    -_-
    At all.
    For instance.

    • shatani

      @inHIcotton,

      i feel like you want to share. lol

      • cam1ll3

        @shatani,

        you get that feeling too?

      • mateosmuse

        @shatani,

        I also get that feeling, aint no thang girl, share:)

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      @inHIcotton,

      ok. who allowed jessica care moore to get through moderation?

      • overit

        @The Champ, ok. who allowed jessica care moore to get through moderation?

        rude, lol

    • Soula Powa

      @inHIcotton,

      Ooh. Please don’t set yourself up for the massive FAIL that is marrying a man you are not attracted to. At all.

      Regardless of his grreat car and condo. #realninjaPSA

      • inHIcotton

        @Soula Powa,
        See, what had happened wuz…
        My evil plan allowed for a **first** husband.
        Like, a practice spouse?
        A dry run at matrimony.
        Yeah. That’s the ticket. ;^)

        • http://keepittrill.blogspot.com/ Kit (Keep It Trill)

          @inHIcotton, You spoke in past tense, so apparently your parasitic plan didn’t work. What happened?

    • bittersweet’s baby

      @inHIcotton,

      Do Tell…Pick up after the Marital Test Dummy Experiment fizzled. Thx

  • shatani

    um…most of your reasons are the same as mine. i honestly dont wish to expend the energy it takes to carry on a completely separate life. i dont know how people do it, and my first question is, “why not just leave?” its not like i havent been tempted, we’ve probably all been tempted….but the bottom line is, if i care so little about what i have that im willing to toss it out the window for this new ish, then what i have needs to be dissolved….

    and thanks for that tip about blasians named eldrick!

    • Just X

      @shatani, The reason people cheat is because it’s fun at first but quickly becomes a second full time job. Just remember that what you do in the dark will come to light. Ask Tiger woods he can tell you better than i can. It’s just not worth it and it becomes more trouble than anyone would care to wallow in. Heed my words brotas and sistas i speak the truth. I’am also a card carrier of the cheaters union and cheated on union and they both suck. Be faithful –it’s less stressful. Trust me!

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

        @Just X,

        Just remember that what you do in the dark will come to light.

        not always though. there are some stealth ass cheaters out there

        • http://musicmakesmehigh.wordpress.com Reecie

          @The Champ, I used to be a stealth one. still haven’t been found out.

          • Just X

            @Reecie, Give it time!!! Don’t think that it won’t happen to you. That was Tiger Woods mistake, he thought he was (M.C Hammer)-(can’t touch this) and we all see where it’s going–DOWN HILL. Just be careful, the lord don’t like ugly

          • http://musicmakesmehigh.wordpress.com Reecie

            @Just X, its been several years and not with them anymore anyway. now if I was? I’d agree. How I have NOT cheated on the one I’m currently with. I was being selfish and immature back then.

    • Yaa

      @shatani, I agree that it takes too much energy. Although I think that women are better cheaters than men. The guy I just stopped seeing was cheating on me. I found out because I called him & he was on the other line with his homeboy. He told me to hold on but never clicked over. Dude went on to finish his story about some chic that just have him $2000, how good her “P” was & how nice her place was. When he finished and I said “HELLO” he just hung up. He called back 2 hours later apologizing for keeping me on hold & acting like that sh&t never happened!! HILARIOUS!

      • Yeah…SO?!

        @Yaa, ROTFLMAO… “When he finished and I said “HELLO” he just hung up.” – I think I peed a lil.

      • Kaye

        @Yaa,
        that IS truly hilarious…esp. him acting like things were normal. what was he thinking…lol

      • ComicBookGuy

        @Yaa,

        Man, that really happens a lot. I had a good friend had that happen to him when we were in college, except it was because he didn’t cancel the call on his cellphone. Hilarious.

  • A-Town Genius

    I’m also lazy…

    • Just X

      @A-Town Genius, WOW, I did’nt know a A-Town Genius would label themself as lazy!?!

  • Miss Patterson

    Why I haven’t cheated:
    1. I’m a bad liar. I have big eyes that tell on me.
    2. I have a guilty conscience.
    3. I wouldn’t want someone to do it me.
    4. I’ve lived vicariously through other friends’ cheating habits and it’s way too much f*cking drama. basically, the wrath of a man after he’s been cheated on is way too much for my sensitive nerves.
    5. I like not worrying about STDs.
    6. I’m a lady and sh*t.
    7. The double standard: women pay a much higher price for their indiscretions. It’s a fact, and I don’t have the energy to debate it.
    8. I co-sign Champ’s #4: If I were dating someone exclusively in the Burgh, and I stepped out, it would be on the front page of the Post-Gazette by the next morning. All the coloreds know each other in this city. And I know all the white folks too, so going in that direction wouldn’t be an option either.

    p.s.- i like the new font, Liz.

    • http://lizburr.com Liz

      @Miss Patterson, thx :)

    • Lili

      @Miss Patterson,
      Completely co-sign everything here.

      Not to mention some of us hate condoms more than we care to admit.

      • Just X

        @Lili, I rather be safe than sorry!!!!!

    • Lili

      @Miss Patterson,
      Completely co-sign everything here.

    • Triple Crown ^^^ ^^^ ^^^

      @Miss Patterson,

      Have you ever cheated? Avoidance and evasive maneuvers will not be accepted. I red you the first time but asking anyway.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      @Miss Patterson,

      6. I’m a lady and sh*t.

      you sure about that?

      • Miss Patterson

        @The Champ, I’d ask you if your daddy was sure about that, but I’m a lady and sh*t, so I won’t. Instead, I’ll just *politely* tell you to kiss my a$$. Thanks.

        • http://www.awesomelyluvvie.com Thuggie Luvvie

          @Miss Patterson,

          iLove u long time, Pattiecakes lol

  • inHIcotton

    The Champ, ya gotta get with those condoms, man. I realize that you aren’t very good-looking. I know this, man. But as your income increases, you will become a more likely target for conception deception. First she’s on birth control, then she’s not!

    • http://www.myspace.com/igotastory melekaj

      @inHIcotton, Thats not what he meant and sh*t. Champ does not have trouble in the looks department

      • http://www.myspace.com/igotastory melekaj

        …maybe he needs help in the passing gas department tho *kanye shrug*

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

        @melekaj,

        Champ does not have trouble in the looks department

        trouble deez.

        wait…that was a compliment? my bad, i’m so used to being on the defensive and sh*t. thanks and sh*t, melekaj

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      @inHIcotton,

      But as your income increases, you will become a more likely target for conception deception.

      not when you’re a pull-out maven

      • Soula Powa

        @The Champ,
        Really homie? The pull out method?
        Well, when you do find a piece that is too good to pull out of, (or you cum early) you’ll have 18 years to get to know her better. And that’s ignoring STD’s.

        Condoms, much cheaper that Pampers and Valtrex. #realninjaPSA

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

          @Soula Powa,

          Really homie? The pull out method?
          Well, when you do find a piece that is too good to pull out of, (or you cum early) you’ll have 18 years to get to know her better. And that’s ignoring STD’s.

          dammit. this comment just foiled my diabolical plan to have indiscriminate unprotected pull-out sex with as many shady hood rats and off-brand sluts as possible until i found one piece too good to pull out of.

          what the hell am i gonna do now?

          • Yeah…SO?!

            @The Champ, LOL at the “off-brand” references… I’m stealing it! *gone*

          • Soula Powa

            @The Champ,

            what the hell am i gonna do now?

            I think saving money for the eventual slip-up is probably a good idea. Not that I’m putting anything bad on you. I hope it does not happen.

      • tnt_FTW

        @The Champ,

        oh champ. this brought me out of lurkdom. it only takes one my friend. it only takes 1…and pre c*m is a bish

        • miss t-lee

          @tnt_FTW,
          Yep… I’ve know too many friends of mine that caught up that way…lol

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

          @tnt_FTW,

          pre c*m is a bish

          definitely a t-shirt

          • Hershey’s Kiss

            @The Champ, it sure is. They can put it next to the My Boys Can Swim shirts.

          • http://mysixcents.wordpress.com klysha

            @The Champ, they should make this into a maternity style t-shirt….ASAP

        • Sula

          @tnt_FTW,

          But why is everybody intent on thinking that The Champ didn’t think about that?

          He’s an adult and can surely manage the consequences of his non-condom ways. Pretty simple.

          • tnt_FTW

            @Sula,
            i dunno. he still gets a healthy dose of o_O from me from that i’m a maven statement.

            till he does better lol

      • Kaye

        @The Champ,
        lol at “pull-out maven”

      • Lili

        LOL @The Champ,
        Keeping it too real in the comment section

      • Nikkisix

        @The Champ,
        maven???? Really…have you been certified?

        • miss t-lee

          @Nikkisix,
          I think “Pull Out Maven” would be a great t-shirt too…lmao

          • Nikkisix

            @miss t-lee,

            I’m thinkin heather grey with mustard colored lettering….iron-on letters of course

          • Kaye

            @miss t-lee,
            i agree…lol

        • NIC

          @Nikkisix, LOL@ certified

  • Ms. Smart

    Before I answer I’ll need some clarification. If a woman allows a guy to claim her while she doesn’t claim him as her significant other in return, then goes on dates with other men (no body contact), is that cheating?

    • Mr. Gundam

      @Ms. Smart, Hmmm I would say not really.

      Only, because I had talks with my friends about if cheating is really only about sexually interaction.

      Think of it like this: If your S.O. did everything that they would do with someone else except have sex and claimed them as an S.O., Would you catch feelings??

      Lol, be careful cus if your answer is yes then that could mean that cheating is not only about physical interaction but also emotional and dare I say spiritual interest

      • cam1ll3

        @Mr. Gundam,

        funny you should bring up the whole emotional vs. physical factor. in my mind cheating isn’t really cheating until you find yourself wanting to spend time with that person doing something other than ckufing. theeeeeeeeen it gets sticky–feelings are hurt, hearts are broken and esteem is lost. important stuff, that.

        • http://presidentialtelevisionandfilm.ning.com Monk

          @cam1ll3,

          I’m not understanding. So it’s NOT cheating if you boink someone other than your S.O., but it IS cheating if you want just want to hang out and kick it with that person?

          • cam1ll3

            @Monk,

            noooo not saying that. i’m saying the cheating is far more devasting (to me) when boinking and emotion are involved.

            *and i know from experience that “just kicking it” eventually will turn into boinking with emotion.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      @Ms. Smart,

      If a woman allows a guy to claim her while she doesn’t claim him as her significant other in return, then goes on dates with other men (no body contact), is that cheating?

      nah. just confusing.

    • Happy Meal

      @Ms. Smart,
      Nah. It’s deceptive for sure though since you let him think you were in agreement with the status of the relationship when you’re not. However since HE thinks you’re in a relationship, HE may interpret it as cheating.

    • http://thinkprettysmart.typepad.com Ms. Smart

      @Ms. Smart, After reviewing the responses and other comments, I’m going to say I have never cheated. Laziness is really the key. I have great time mgmt skills but I’m just too lazy to use them for cheating…But maybe I should…Naw. I’ll pass.