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Five Common Facebook Villains And How To Defeat Them

The Internet in general is a dark and twisted place. Insidious ads disguise themselves as slideshow articles, faux “x’s” float around the periphery of browser windows waiting to ensnare your computer with a virus, and YouTube comments can make any sane Black person consider if they should pack up their things and get the Garvey-ing back to the motherland. But, what makes Facebook villains so insidious is that they are the distilled, purified, non-anonymous versions of all the Internet fuckery that pollutes our Earth. These people are why comments sit in moderation. These people are why full-page advertisements block entire blog posts.

Remember when Agent Smith got out of the Matrix and into dude with the beard? This is like that but in reverse.

That guy blaring DMX out of his coat jacket on a crowded bus? He just jacked into the matrix and you know him.  

Like any good hero, you want to redeem the misguided. You knew them before they fell into the bottomless abyss of the dark side. But beware of the turned. They lack either couth, self-awareness, or have completely depleted their reservoir of fucks.

Anyway, here’s five of the most common Facebook Villains, and how to defeat them.

1. Auntie Adventure

This woman became a villain by accident, like Mr. Freeze or Al Sharpton. Prior to social media, she was a mother, a sister, an aunt, but now she’s an uncomfortably vocal Scandal fan. Social media has transformed this mild mannered woman into a bizzaro She-Hulk. Without a functioning understanding of Twitter, she posts on Facebook with wanton abandon; destroying the mental peace of her children by sharing tasteless memes and announcing that despite his ain’t shitness, “R. Kelly is still fine.” Emboldened by friends in her age group who also have never learned any sort of social media etiquette, Aunt Adventure will bombard you with every thought that no one asked for.

Suggestion: Hide from feed.  Feign ignorance of activities when met in real life.

2. Harvey Hotep

This brother found God. But, not the same God you’ve been kicking it with since ’87. Only he can send DM’s to God’s verified account, and he will let you know it. He will also let you know that he only eats what he grows from the great mother Earth.

Did you know if you fast for one day a week for seven years, you would have not eaten for an entire year, over that span?  He knew that shit. Did the math himself with a bamboo abacus.

Also, women, remember, you are queens, so get ready for a life of regal subservience, and a house that reeks of various oils.

Suggestion: Comment on a post. Get him to acknowledge that African Americans are primarily from West Africa not Egypt. Cognitive dissonance will cause him to block you/ take a break from social networking.

3. Overtly Sexual Shauna

I’m sure you’ve seen Sugar Shack by Ernie Barnes hanging on your grandmother’s living room wall, but you might not have seen Disgustingly Explicit Sexual Act in the Style of Ernie Barnes by French artist, Some Pervert on Shauna’s wall. This woman is living embodiment of a porn comment. Her existence is both confounding and unnecessary.  Attempting to shape her online persona in the mold of Rihanna. Shauna gives no fucks; but you certainly do.

Suggestion: Set up a search filter for the term “Yoni Flower.” O.S.S.‘s posts will no longer appear.

4. Confused-ass Chris

This man did not play the Scarecrow in The Wiz. Nevertheless, like a festering undead zombie, Confused-Ass Chris stumbles through your feed searching for content to fill the gaping void he calls a mind. Is LeBron leaving the Cavs to join the Monstars? Is J. Cole the new hip-hop face of LA Gear? Did the feds charge Bill Cosby because he wanted to buy NBC?

All dumb ass questions that no person in their right mind would post on the Internet. But Confused-Chris has neither a right mind nor a left one.

Suggestion: Help the Confused-Ass Chris in your life. One comment a day can prevent this po’ child from sharing Langton Hughes quotes with Will Smith’s face on them.

5. White Girl From High School

Remember, how quiet and shy Kristen was in high school? Now, she hates niggers.

Suggestion: Report. Unfriend. Shake head in disappointment. Consider that Kirsten did dry snitch on you that time for not handing in that math assignment. Reconsider disappointment. Re-examine her page full of Fox News articles, #alllivesmatter posts, and blind support of police despite rampant brutality. Get up from desk, enter kitchen. Grab thermos. Return to desk. Plug USB into laptop. Place other end of USB in thermos. Download White tears into thermos. Dip Oreo cookie inside. Guzzle White tears until thermos is empty and shirt is damp. Sit contented.

Remember people ain’t shit, but they will further reveal their ain’t shitness if they can avoid your grasp in the underwater swamp lair of social media. If you want to maintain your sanity, take heed. Confront the dangerous, assuage the simple, and craft a Facebook feed outside of the matrix.

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Brandon Harrison

Brandon lives in LA and has Hollywood stories that rival those of Rick James. He prides himself on staying righteous and knowing more about basketball than you.

  • Baemie St. Patrick

    I KNOW A REAL LIFE #4. HIS NAME IS CHRIS. I love him dearly but be can be so lost and obtuse at times, Chris is now a verb. We call him Chrisin” Azz Chris. If you ask where Chris is, 9 times outta 10, the answer will be “somewhere Chrisin'” “WTF was Chris talmbout, breh?!” “Man, ionno! He Chrisin'”.

    you don’t know my life lol

    • Ashley Miles

      hilarious

  • “Comment on a post. Get him to acknowledge that African Americans are primarily from West Africa not Egypt.”

    Although I’ve been tempted to do so I’ve never channeled enough of my inner William T. Sherman to post this and watch the comment section on Facebook burn.

    • KIRIA

      Someone finally said this $hit out loud!!!!!! I’ve been tempted to do the same…..you don’t een kno!!!! Thank you VSB!!

    • Val

      Reminds me of when Oprah was running around saying she was descended from Zulus.

      • LISTEN. She was so certain, too. Turns out she from good ol’ Liberia.

        Which, now that I think of it, with my momma being half Liberian, I might could be a distant relative of Oprah’s.

      • This sounds like something Op would say.

    • DBoySlim

      Sherman is my spirit animal.

      • I’m a fan of the burning of plantations especially. He was an interesting cat.

        • DBoySlim

          I like the kill everything mindset. I saw Lone Survivor and that was all I could think of. Sometimes everybody gots ta go.

    • I posted a youtube video about this very topic several years ago, I still get comments notifications to this very day and its all “black hebrews” replying mad AF.

  • cakes_and_pies

    6. Distraction Devin
    They will bust up a good thread with an irrelevant “call me” or “hey I texted you, text me back”, post a meme that has nothing to do with conversation, or just hijack a good thread with some nonsense about nothing. I have unfollwed my post because of them.

  • Dee2002

    Don’t forgot the Facebookers who feel the need to write an essay on us being thankful we weren’t deleted from their friends list.

    • Val

      And they write the same essay two or three times a year. Like delete me already. Anything so I don’t have to see this post from you ever again.

      • Dee2002

        Right!? But now I don’t wait for them to delete me, I delete them myself. They behave as if their Facebook its the profile to be at. So far I have deleted a handful of people with that type of mentality.

    • It’s such a ploy. They write that damn status just waiting for people to swarm it with “I hope I make your list!” or “Ooooh! Pick me. Keep me!”

      • Val

        Exactly. Just thirst in disguise.

      • Cleojonz

        It’s the same as that FB friend that writes an essay complaining about people messing with them and judging them and threatening to take a break for a while. Well maybe if you didn’t share your daily activities in essay form in real time every second of the day…

      • Dee2002

        And they fall for that ploy too!

    • Pinks

      NEW YEAR, NEW ME!

      Leaving all y’all haters behind. Just doing me, focusing on me. So if you don’t see me in the new year, just know you’re one of the ones who got cut.

      Pinks be like: http://i.giphy.com/Ijoii9lApgGoU.gif

      • Anytime I’m reminded of this video, I immediately think of Darrin Henson’s DVD teaching the choreography.

        “Ain’t. No. Lie. Bye. Bye. Bye.”

        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_RU7Q_Q_Phg

        • Pinks

          This DVD is going on my Christmas list next year

          • Me

            Surprisingly it only has 2.6 stars on Amazon

        • rubyphoenix

          YES! I say it like this to my wife all the time and she never knows what I’m talking about!

          • Hahaha! Well now you have to show her the YouTube.

      • Cleojonz

        Seriously. Like just please unfriend me, don’t talk to me anymore. I really have no fcuks to give on that.

      • Dee2002

        Exactly! The tolerance I have is so very thin.

      • porqpai

        Or worse the ones who actively bait for their thirst with long posts about friendship and share this posts so I’ll know how much you luh me requests. Do. Not. Want.

    • Stephanie Seay Kelly

      Today is your lucky day, “you made the cut!” Seriously?

  • Val

    Don’t forget the fb friend who is also a part-time conspiracy theorist. This person knows all the most obscure conspiracy websites and is constantly posting about the latest conspiracy.

    Also, the supposedly religious friend who posts pictures of money and says if you share the pic then money will come to you.

    • cakes_and_pies

      Aren’t those hoteps? I saw a lot of hoteps spewing that Cosby/NBC conspiracy theory

      • Val

        Some are but most are just general conspiracy theorists. The fb friend I have who does this isn’t a Hotep.

        • cakes_and_pies

          Three people got gone yesterday for that mess.

    • kimest3e

      Yes. My cousin is a FB Hotep Conspiracy Theorist. Which is why I had to “hide” his posts. Made my head hurt.

      • Val

        I’m glad I don’t have any Hotep friends. that stuff gets old, fast.

      • KB

        I did the same with my brother because his ish gets overly ridiculous ALL THE TIME.

    • Lisa Harris

      I have a few friendsandcousins-turned-pastors and they are the WORST! All the scriptures, all the “i don’t deny Jesus, do you?” and the passive aggressive “type Amen or you ain’t shit” posts. THEY ARE THE WORST!

      • Londa

        I am a Christian. I love God. God told me he doesn’t care if I like these doggone posts! He also said I ain’t got to type AMEN to jack crap. And, he said that I ain’t got to be moved by every deformed child, man or woman that somebody says I need to stop scrolling past.

    • Dee2002

      Ah yes, the if you don’t share you don’t care post or the if something good has happened to a person type Amen. I.HATE.IT

      • Val

        Those “Type Amen” posts are seriously out of hand.

        • Dee2002

          It’s terrible.

        • fxd8424

          Most definitely. My cousin posts at least 10 a day.

          • Tina

            Mine too! I’m seriously thinking about unfollowing her. Yes, it’s horrible that these people have severe physical disabilities, but why you gotta post this sh*t five times a day?!

        • I have an aunt that posts at least 6 a day. I think she makes them herself.

  • Lisa Harris

    I am in the Auntie Adventure age group…lol! And I see it all the time. I go back and delete posts of my own just because I sometimes slip into that “arena.”

    I’ll do better. I promise. :-)

  • Pinks

    6. I have terrible self-esteem so I make all these self-deprecating statuses hoping you’ll give me some e-encouragement, or I’ll make a dramatic, cryptic post, not respond to anyone’s questions, then delete the post before deleting my profile for 6 hours.

    7. The “we don’t know all the facts” person. Whether it’s Bill, Kellz or some other ninja being a creep, or a cop tazing a newborn, there’s always that one who has to come with a “We need the evidence before we jump to conclusions” stupid a s s comment.

    8. The one who types stuff like “sorry for your lost” “kids should start respecting there parents” and “don’t waist my time” but then calls you stupid because you disagree with them

    • Val

      Lol@ #8. Thankfully I don’t “no” any of these types personally “butt” I see “there” comments “everywere”.

      • Pinks

        A few of them are in my family. Now that I think about it, I have a cousin who is 6, 7 and 8 all wrapped in one. I’m about to unfollow her before I have to give her the business virtually and she call my momma to snitch on me.

        • I have a cousin who just found Facebook a few months ago. She was posting and commenting like every 5 min. I had to unfollow her. It’s was too irritating.

          • Pinks

            My aunt likes every one of her own posts. It makes me so mad.

            • Val

              Lol I know people that like their own comments. I’m like, why?

              • -h.h.h.-

                nothing wrong with that.

                • Val

                  It’s kind of sad actually.

                  • -h.h.h.-

                    nope. that’s that “i’m my own biggest cheerleader” swag

                    • Nope

                    • AlwaysCC

                      hehehe i see what you did there.

                • Yes there is

            • I have a friend like that. She has posts where she is the ONLY person that likes it. I’m sitting there thinking, like, aren’t you embarrassed?

              • Pinks

                Liking your own stuff is the equivalent of high fiving yourself in public, said a meme.

            • LMNOP

              Haha, that cracks me up though.

          • Val

            Oh my, I have a cousin like that. I had to unfollow. You’re right, it is annoying scrolling forever and ever trying to get by their nonsense posts about nothing. Sigh.

          • My dad. I love him dearly, but the man would post like every second. I had to unfollow him.

            • My brother posts pics of his kid and tags me in it. And my sister will be at some random place like Starbucks and tag me in the post. Mind you I don’t even live I the same city with them. It’s just foolish and annoying. Lol

              • That’s one of my aunts, too. Then you get the notifications anytime someone responds to that pic.

                It’s annoying.

                • Yes, those notifications are too much. My brother’s wife had twins the day before NYE. He tagged me in the post. 100 notifications later, I had to turn them off. I could deal.

          • Kat

            Do you know my momma?..lol I had to tell her to pretend I don’t exist on FB.

      • AlwaysCC

        the best is when they make a post (usually including lots of words in CAPS) talking about someone else’s bad grammar – and they have grammatical errors in the post lol it makes me giggle right before i unfriend them

    • Furious Styles

      I got that beat…Bill Cosby conspiracy + “why y’all gonna say he a cereal rapist now?”

      • Lisa Harris

        LOL! ouch. that actually hurt to read.

        • Furious Styles

          I was dead and floating toward the light after reading it.

      • LMNOP

        Lmao, I’m just picturing a bunch of Cheerios and lucky charms running away from Bill Cosby screaming “no! Not the cereal rapist!!”

        • MsSula

          *crying real tears, real tears*

    • Brandon Allen

      My #6 was “Child too young to be on Facebook” basically 11 year olds quoting the most vulgar regional rap. Chicago particulatly.

      • Cleojonz

        This needed to be on your official list! This is a real thing!

        • Brandon Allen

          Sorry I let the world down

      • Pinks

        Yesssss..or taking half-nudes of their prepubescent mosquito bite tiddies

    • mahoganylawlady

      I have family me members and others who fit all these. Had to unfollow several.

    • inYOface

      #8!!!

    • ofthesun1

      Also, #9 – those who post easily Snopes-able “Get Rich If You Like And Share” right after they post “I Hereby Do Not Grant FaceBook The Right To…” (just in case theys money in it *kanyeshrug*)

      • Pinks

        akin to the “like this post and share witin 10 minutes or you’ll resurrect Jesus and kill him again, except this time with AIDS and a gay man’s knife” chain letters

  • Deeds

    The Hotep post reminds me of a post from a guy talking about how Spring is the true start of the New Year and when God created the Earth because that is when everything is in bloom and starting to grow. Having the New Year start in winter is something the white man came up with. I’m just thinking, do they not know that the season depends on whether you’re in the Northern or Southern hemisphere of the Earth. Spring for us, would be Fall for the Southern hemisphere. So, there would be two New Years in the same year. How Sway?

    • Furious Styles

      F### the white man’s facts.

    • Reemo

      I always want to ask “What are the chances that another white man came up with this alternate theory and you just don’t know it?”

  • KB

    HOTEPS are thee worst.

    • A couple weeks ago, I fell down an IG rabbit hole that led me to Hotep IG (all because someone reposted something of dude’s). I could not look away! It was like rubbernecking at a car accident on the shoulder of the highway.

      I finally got to one post where this chick called him out for his blatant hypocrisy. He’d been posting all these “Black women are the queen” and “Respect yourself; guard your vajeen” type memes and messages then posted something about a Black pr0n star and her thoughts on racism in the industry. He had nothing but praise for her. The girl who called him out was like, “Oh, you’re out here telling Black women what they should do with their bodies, but when it comes to a pr0n star you go nothing but support?”

      He tried to turn it around on her like, “Why can’t you be supportive?”

      OK.

      • cakes_and_pies

        Did you see that storify about the girl who went on a date with an undercover hotep?

        • Was it the one where dude took back the books he gifted her when she showed up to their date with a sew-in instead of her ‘fro?

          If so, I was *inconsolable*! Like, how you take the books back?!

          • cakes_and_pies

            Yes! As soon as he called her :queen” I flinched

            They didn’t have a name for them back then, but when I was in college, these types were everywhere and running through everyone.

            • Val

              I think Shazza from A Different World a early Hotep.

              • I might’ve had a crush on Shazza…but I was young. Actually, I think it’s more that I had a crush on Gary Dourdan, but I was still taking in Shazza’s hotepian views.

                • Val

                  His more recent pics will kill any remnants of that crush.

                  • AlwaysCC

                    so sad :(

                • AlwaysCC

                  that janet video tho *swoon*

                  • Tina

                    Who is the guy in the anytime, anyplace video though?! #toofine

                    • AlwaysCC

                      i dunno. i just googled it but wikipedia failed me lol apparently the video was a safe chex psa – who knew?

                    • Tina

                      Oh wow lol. That was random…but since we were talking about fine men in Janet Jackson videos…

                    • AlwaysCC

                      my neighbor’s husband kinda looked like gary (especially when he had locs). i had to be very stealth with my staring lol

                  • GIRL.

                    I was so impressionable. I might’ve been 13 or 14 when that video came out*, and all I knew was that I was *ready* for a loc’d boyfriend.

                    *Wiki just told me that “Again” came out the day after my 14th birthday. Lordt.

                • MzUze

                  I wish his drugged out mugshot would stop showing up in click-bait ads. I grieve for his faded fineness.

                • brothaskeeper

                  He was the Michael Ealy of his day….

                  • He sure enough was! Then Michael Ealy came along to steal his thunder in Barbershop lol.

                    • brothaskeeper

                      A passing of the torch of sorts.

              • Me

                He redeemed himself when he was dating Freddie though. Even got arrested for Haitian refugees and called out Freddie’s trifling #sidedick choices (Ron) all on the same day. Freddie might’ve been a lowkey Tepette.

              • MzUze

                Yes!!!!!

            • Dee

              Someone got a link? I missed this one

        • is there a link or something?

          • cakes_and_pies
            • Tina

              OMGGGG this is hilarious!!

            • Deeds

              That was hilarious especially the part about thunder is the result of the ancestors making love in another dimension and his game of telling her that the white man doesn’t want them to reproduce so she should let him hit.

              • Tina

                I DIED when he said white folks stole modern technology from aliens. #tewmuch

                • Deeds

                  Ahh yes that too, like I’m seriously wondering what kind of story he concocted to make that statement make sense.

                  • Me

                    Yes! Whenever I only get the punchline to a terrible conversation I always wanna know how they got there because I just can’t fathom what would have to be said to prompt such a statement (and I consider myself someone who thinks about the most tangential things when given even the slightest prod).

              • cakes_and_pies

                A start up lunatic waking among us.

        • sharimichele

          If that was me, he wouldn’t have gotten those books back though….

  • Superstrings

    This is funny. I’m just saddened that “Hotep” has become a pejorative. It’s like the reverse of what happened to “n@g*#r”. Can we restore Hotep to it’s glory?

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