Dating, Relationships, & Sex, Theory & Essay

Fellas, Don’t EVER Do This.

I was going to write an entire post based on this ridiculous letter my new pal, Mike, sent to a woman he went on ONE date with. See, my pal Mike feels that this particular lady lead him on since they had such a great date but she didn’t respond to his phone calls or texts.

You see, my pal Mike, cannot take a hint. He does, however, have a LOT of time on his hands and a lot of issues he needs to resolve. He exists so that we may learn what being as emo as possible really looks like. Take heed, fellas, this is EXACTLY what you shouldn’t ever do if you don’t get what you want. Write a whole post about it? Nope. Just reprint the letter in case you haven’t seen it. Yep. I couldn’t do this justice anyway. VSB, enjoy.

By the way, it’s long. And yes, that’s what she said.

Hi Lauren,

I’m disappointed in you. I’m disappointed that I haven’t gotten a response to my voicemail and text messages.
FYI, I suggest that you keep in mind that emails sound more impersonal, harsher, and are easier to misinterpret than in-person or phone communication. After all, people can’t see someone’s body language or tone of voice in an email. I’m not trying to be harsh, patronizing, or insulting in this email. I’m honest and direct by nature, and I’m going to be that way in this email. By the way, I did a google search, so that’s how I came across your email.

I assume that you no longer want to go out with me. (If you do want to go out with me, then you should let me know.) I suggest that you make a sincere apology to me for giving me mixed signals. I feel led on by you.

Things that happened during our date include, but are not limited to, the following:

-You played with your hair a lot. A woman playing with her hair is a common sign of flirtation. You can even do a google search on it. When a woman plays with her hair, she is preening. I’ve never had a date where a woman played with her hair as much as you did. In addition, it didn’t look like you were playing with your hair out of nervousness.

-We had lots of eye contact during our date. On a per-minute basis, I’ve never had as much eye contact during a date as I did with you.

-You said, “It was nice to meet you.” at the end of our date. A woman could say this statement as a way to show that she isn’t interested in seeing a man again or she could mean what she said–that it was nice to meet you. The statement, by itself, is inconclusive.

-We had a nice conversation over dinner. I don’t think I’m being delusional in saying this statement.

In my opinion, leading someone on (i.e., giving mixed signals) is impolite and immature. It’s bad to do that.
Normally, I would not be asking for information if a woman and I don’t go out again after a first date. However, in our case, I’m curious because I think our date went well and that there is a lot of potential for a serious relationship. Of course, it’s difficult to predict what would happen, but I think there is a lot of potential for a serious relationship developing between us one day (or least there was before your non-response to my voicemail and text messages).

I think we should go out on a second date. In my opinion, our first date was good enough to lead to a second date.
Why am I writing you? Well, hopefully, we will go out again. Even if we don’t, I gain utility from expressing my thoughts to you. In addition, even if you don’t want to go out again, I would like to get feedback as to why you wouldn’t want to go again. Normally, I wouldn’t ask a woman for this type of feedback after a first date, but this is an exception given I think we have a lot of potential.

If you don’t want to go again, then apparently you didn’t think our first date was good enough to lead to a second date. Dating or a relationship is not a Hollywood movie. It’s good to keep that in mind. In general, I thought the date went well and was expecting that we would go out on a second date.

If you’re not interested in going out again, then I would have preferred if you hadn’t given those mixed signals. I feel led on. We have a number of things in common. I’ll name a few things: First, we’ve both very intelligent. Second, we both like classical music so much that we go to classical music performances by ourselves. In fact, the number one interest that I would want to have in common with a woman with whom I’m in a relationship is a liking of classical music. I wouldn’t be seriously involved with a woman if she didn’t like classical music. You said that you’re planning to go the NY Philharmonic more often in the future.

As I said, I go to the NY Philharmonic often. You’re very busy. It would be very convenient for you to date me because we have the same interests. We already go to classical music performances by ourselves. If we go to classical music performances together, it wouldn’t take any significant additional time on your part. According to the internet, you’re 33 or 32, so, at least from my point of view, we’re a good match in terms of age. I could name more things that we have in common, but I’ll stop here. I don’t understand why you apparently don’t want to go out with me again. We have numerous things in common. I assume that you find me physically attractive. If you didn’t find me physically attractive, then it would have been irrational for you to go out with me in the first place. After all, our first date was not a blind date. You already knew what I looked like before our date. Perhaps, you’re unimpressed that I manage my family’s investments and my own investments. Perhaps, you don’t think I have a “real” job. Well, I’ve done very well as an investment manager. I’ve made my parents several millions of dollars.

That’s real money. That’s not monopoly money. In my opinion, if I make real money, it’s a real job. Donald Trump’s children work for his company. Do they have “real” jobs? I think so. George Soros’s sons help manage their family investments. Do they have “real” jobs? I think so. In addition, I’m both a right-brain and left-brain man, given that I’m both an investment manager and a philosopher/writer. That’s a unique characteristic; most people aren’t like that. I’ve never been as disappointed and sad about having difficulty about getting a second date as I am with you. I’ve gone out with a lot of women in my life. (FYI, I’m not a serial dater. Sometimes, I’ve only gone out with a woman for one date.) People don’t grow on trees. I hope you appreciate the potential we have.

Am I sensitive person? Sure, I am. I think it’s better to be sensitive than to be insensitive. There are too many impolite, insensitive people in the world.

I suggest that we continue to go out and see what happens. Needless to say, I find you less appealing now (given that you haven’t returned my messages) than I did at our first date. However, I would be willing to go out with you again. I’m open minded and flexible and am willing to give you the benefit of the doubt. I wish you would give me the benefit of the doubt too. If you don’t want to go out again, in my opinion, you would be making a big mistake, perhaps one of the biggest mistakes in your life. If you don’t want to go out again, then you should have called to tell me so. Even sending a text message would have been better than nothing. In my opinion, not responding to my messages is impolite, immature, passive aggressive, and cowardly. I spent time, effort, and money meeting you for dinner. Getting back to me in response to my messages would have been a reasonable thing for you to do. In addition, you arrived about 30 minutes late for our date. I’m sure you wouldn’t like it if a man showed up thirty minutes late for a first date with you.

If you’re concerned that you will hurt my feelings by providing specific information about why you don’t want to go with me again, well, my feeling are already hurt. I’m sad and disappointed about this situation. If you give information, at least I can understand the situation better. I might even learn something that is beneficial.

If you don’t want to go out again, that I request that you call me and make a sincere apology for leading me on (i.e., giving me mixed signals). In my opinion, you shouldn’t act that way toward a man and then not go out with him again. It’s bad to play with your hair so much and make so much eye contact if you’re not interested in going out with me again. I have tried to write this email well, but it’s not perfect. Again, I’m not trying to be harsh, insulting, patronizing, etc. I’m disappointed, sad, etc. I would like to talk to you on the phone. I hope you will call me back at xxx-xxx-xxxx> (if it’s inconvenient for you to talk on the phone when you read this email, you can let me know via email that you are willing to talk on the phone and I’ll call you). If you get my voicemail, you can a leave a message and I can call you back. Even if you don’t want to go out again, I would appreciate it if you give me the courtesy of calling me and talking to me. Yes, you might say things that hurt me, but my feelings are already hurt. Sending me an email response (instead of talking on the phone) would better than no response at all, but I think it would be better to talk on the phone. Email communication has too much potential for misinterpretation, etc.

Best, Mike

via Huffington Post.

Ladies, do you want to go on a date with Mike? What a beautiful letter, no?

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

Filed Under:
Damon Young

Panama Jackson is pretty fly for a light guy. He used to ship his frito to Tito in the District, but shipping prices increased so he moved there to save money. When he's not saving humanity with his words or making music with his mouth, you can find him at your mama's mama's house drinking her fine liquors. Most importantly, he believes the children are our future.

  • NaturalTransition

    I’m willing to bet $5 that Mike and Drake are friends.

    • Chica

      +1

    • Ray.

      Lol As I was reading the letter, I said to myself “This sounds like a Drake song.”

    • Nelle

      Sadly, my ex boyfriend was like this, except he coved it up until like 4-5 months in. He thought he was the best thing I ever had too…..um but my dude, you’re stalking me out. SMH, the thrist is real

      • teressai

        If I was considering a second date with this guy…..he just KILLED it with this letter!!

  • http://biggerthomas.wordpress.com MadScientist7

    wtf lol

    • Cali

      DAT BOY CRAAAAZENNNN!!! wow, is this real? I feel like someone wrote the projected ramblings of a stalker as a joke! “On a per-minute basis, I’ve never had as much eye contact during a date as I did with you.” – REALLY??? Aww, Mike – buy a Real Doll & call it.

      • Ray.

        Lmao @ buy a real doll

        He needs to do some pushups and toughen up

    • Angel Baby

      WAIT!!! Why did my coworker just send me this exact same email from a different site?! LMAO

      http://thestir.cafemom.com/love_sex/129871/this_is_officially_the_worst

      P, who copied? You or them? LOL

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

        i didn’t know it was on The Stir. though i’m not surprised. i got this from HuffPo. i’m just sharing the wealth.

        • really

          Boo @Angel Baby, you didn’t see the words “via Huffington Post.” at the end #killyoself.

  • AfroPetite

    Tell her why you mad Mike. LOL

    After the first sentence I would have hit the MOVE TO TRASH email option. All the energy and time he wasted compiling that very well written response could have been spent in some dark alley with an unfortunate-faced tranny willing to do unmentionable things for small bills.

    • AI

      *whispers* We learned t***** is a bad word last week! keep up!

      • LuckBALady

        LOL

      • AfroPetite

        well aren’t you awesome keeping me updated…..and ish

      • DQ

        ROTFL.

  • http://vanityinperil.com Vanity in Peril

    Ahem… and I quote:

    “By the way, I did a google search, so that’s how I came across your email.”

    Him thirsty.

    • Todd

      Thirsty isn’t enough. More like spent the past month in the desert surviving on whatever sweat and urine he could collect from himself. LOL

      • GoldenSangria

        *DEAD*

    • Sigma_Since 93

      Stalkerish! This is the type of dude that will show up at your doorstep at 10 pm.

      • http://vanityinperil.com Vanity in Peril

        More like shows up to pick your relatives up from the airport even though he’s not in your life, was never introduced to your relatives and never had a conversation with you about needing to pick them up. :)

        • GypsyCurl

          He needs to read the book and watch the movie “he’s just not that into you”

          • Sigma_Since 93

            That’s part of the problem. Dude did his research and was attentive to the details that women claim men oftern miss. I understand why he’s pissed but the lengenths he went through to let her know he was pissed is a little scary.

  • Shell

    Oh Mike, you had me at…”google search”

    • Ray.

      Lmao.
      Fareal doe!

  • Malik

    It honestly reads like someone who has a mental illness and hasn’t socialized with many human beings before so they only thing he has to go on is research. I imagine the woman came off the date absolutely terrified and is extremely close to filing a restraining order against him.

    • Iamnotakata

      I totally agree!

      • AI

        it did read very technical. like he computed compatibility and now can’t understand why she didn’t respond.

        • Yonnie 3000

          On a per-minute basis, I’ve never had as much eye contact during a date as I did with you”

          I imagine Mike like Christian Bale in American Psycho

          • DQ

            That was a SCARY a$$ movie

    • xLadyTx

      Exactly!!!!

    • GoldenSangria

      No shade to online dating BUT it sounds like they met online.. Online dating sites identify intelligent singles just not stalkers – case and point.

      – “I did a google search, so that’s how I came across your email”
      – ” According to the internet, you’re 33 or 32″
      – “our first date was not a blind date. You already knew what I looked like before our date”

      No bueno…

      • http://6monthsto30.wordpress.com/2011/12/08/you-should-know/ chunk

        If they met online does that mean something/change anything?

        • GoldenSangria

          It doesnt change anything. I’m just saying that online dating sites may allow you to find what you’re looking in terms of compatibility, but just because you’re compatible doesn’t mean that they’re not crazy.

      • LuvRain

        Nope. They met in person. From the HuffPo article (linked):

        Stalking an ex is never attractive. No matter how much money you have.

        But for one New York investment manager, he couldn’t seem to take the hint.

        It all started when Lauren met Mike at the New York Philharmonic.

        After one “horrific date”, according to Lauren, she never responded to his lingering texts and voicemail messages.

        In return for going AWOL, a business-like email of over 1600 words landed in her inbox (yes, Mike Googled her email address).

    • randomeffery

      seriously. AND it’s not a well-written e-mail at all. it’s uber repetitive.

      • That Ugly Kid

        I swear, if dude would’ve said “If you don’t want to go out again,” one more time I would started slitting wrists.

    • Deeds

      Yup…doing research on what is considered flirting. You played with your hair which I researched as being flirtatious, therefore you were flirting with me.

  • Iamnotakata

    Oh my gosh!!!!!! This guy has serious problems!!! Wait uh minute is this a joke??? I’m so confused at this book written to a woman that this individual who clearly has mental issues wrote. I can’t figure out if I’m being punk’d or what? And this guy Googled her to find her email? is he crazy…. stalker much? If you must narrate why you are compatible and a good catch to a stranger it probably wasn’t meant to be!!! I ask again is this letter real? smh

  • Dc1913

    It.just.kept.going… -_-

    • http://twitter.com/tylerg_thomas tgtaggie

      I know ain’t it. lol. My internet ADD wouldn’t let me get past the first five sentences. Panama should have done a cliff notes on that one.

      • nillalatte

        “Panama should have done a cliff notes on that one.”

        lmao

    • xLadyTx

      He said the same 4 things like 8 different times! Clearly, he sent that after the first draft. No editing/proofreading, etc lol.

      • GoldenSangria

        LOL!! Yup!!

      • http://www.mindinfection.wordpress.com UDWRocks

        Sames. Before I could even generate the appropriate horror, I simply thought “this could use some judicious editing.” :-)

  • Iamnotakata

    Oh and this letter has taken it far past emo…..its just plum crazy…

  • Alana

    WTF!! NOOOOOOOOO