Gotcha, b*tch!!! Happy birthday!

One of the more famous and oft-quoted skits in the reading ninja community is track 6 off of André 3000 from Outkast’s The Love Below album. The skit is entitled “Where Are My Panties?” No need to link it or quote the whole thing because if you don’t know it, I feel sorry for your mother. Or mudda.

I can’t tell you how many women I’ve personally told, “ooooh, I just wanna lay in yo’ haaaaaaaaaiyah.” In fact, I’m sure that skit did more for women with natural hair than TCB, white men, and Angela Davis combined. Now, the most intriguing part of it was when the chick says the famous lines:

“He gon’ think I’m a ho. F*ck that, I liked it. I was drunk and it was my birthday anyway. Maybe I should just lay here and let him touch my booty.”

While I’m sure that nearly every woman has had a “where are my panties?” moment (and trust me ladies, most of us guys wake up wondering where your panties are too…sooner we find them, sooner you go home), I wonder how many have been as a result of some chick really being on some, “f*ck it’s my birthday…” steez.

Basically, how many of you dames out there really invoke the “Anything Goes On My Birthday” mantra to excuse doing something that you probably shouldn’t have not had done? I’m really curious about this because I can’t exactly imagine a non-effeminate straight dude making such a proclomation and getting away with it at all. I’m guessing most guys ain’t trying to rationalize it so much as just hoping nothing bad comes from it. If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it one time: the greatest victory is waking up after a drunken one night stand to a ripped open condom wrapper on the floor. That’s when you hit the *Giada de Laurentiis tiny fist hand clap* and the *Tiger Woods fist pump* in succession. My brothas out there know what I’m talking about. Not that I’d know from firsthand experience or anything.

Granted, any and all of this requires you to actually tell somebody else what you did and then following it up with the birthday rationalization and that might make the whole thing moot.

Luckily, here at VSB most of us don’t really know eachother so letting the beans spill ain’t no Biggie. Shyne.

But that makes me wonder what are valid “it was my birthday” rationalizations. Here’s my guess-list.

1. Smanging a dolphin an ex

I imagine that more women get them some comfort wang during birthday week than any other week of the year, assuming she’s single. Also, do any men actually take more than the day to celebrate their birthday? Like a birthday week? A weekend might be okay, but a dude celebrating a week or month? Diva dude with a**north tendencies.

2. Making out with a chick

We’ve covered to various degree random chick hookups and I’m too lazy to go back and find them but I can see a chick being like “hey, it’s my birthday…yay…come here Maria!!! *tongue down*”

3. Totally losing their sh*t behind somebody not going with the plan

Mi hombres? We’ll usually be like “f*ck it, let him roll” but I think women get extra emotional points to use on the America Express during their birthday shenanigans so if somebody doesn’t go along to get along, women can act out. I’m only saying this because I’ve seent it with my own to eyes followed by, “that b*tch knows its my birthday. She better come correct.”

4. Extreme indulgence

Chocolate. Clothing. Shoes. Staples. Pencil lead. Coffee mug. Telephones.

Brick Tamland: I love…carpet. I love…desk.

Ron Burgundy: Brick, are you just looking at things in the office and saying that you love them?

Brick Tamland: I love lamp.

Ron Burgundy: Do you really love the lamp, or are you just saying it because you saw it?

Brick Tamland: I love lamp. I love lamp.

Ahem.

I’ve seen women splurge on things with the passion of Mel Gibson on their birthdays. And there really ain’t nothing you can say to ‘em. Everybody deserves to be spoilted I suppose.

5. Feeling up Panama Jackson in the club 

This almost never happens.

So ladies, do you live by that mantra? And if so, what exactly constitutes something you can get away with because it’s your birthday? To the homeys out there, have you ever tried to invoke such a rule? And how’d that go? Have you ever been apart of some woman’s birthday shenanigans?

Talk to me. Petey.

It’s Friday, people. I came to bring the pain.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka DUSTY VAUGHAN aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3