Facebook Has An Illuminati Inbox They Didn’t Bother Telling Anyone About. Facebook Aint Shit. » VSB

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Facebook Has An Illuminati Inbox They Didn’t Bother Telling Anyone About. Facebook Aint Shit.

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Over the last half decade, as newer and sexier social media platforms have entered our zeitgeist, Facebook — who, although only 12 years old, is practically ancient today — has become the Internet’s version of Subway. It is both ubiquitous and completely and utterly unexciting. In today’s cultural landscape, it’s no longer where the cool kids go to do cool kid shit. It’s where that aunt who randomly capitalizes every third word in her status messages and that grade school classmate who likes and shares Stormfront memes and your ex-girlfriend’s fresh out cousin who hasn’t quite realized it’s not kosher to share porn gifs on timelines exist.

Yet despite its current status, Facebook has remained my preferred platform, for reasons personal and practical. I don’t take enough pictures to spend much time on my Instagram page. And while Twitter seems to be the preferred entity for the type of people who do what I do for a living, I go there to read other people’s tweets, not to tweet myself. Sure, I’ll occasionally live tweet an event or share a thought I think is particularly pithy or timely, but between VSB, The Root, EBONY, and various other places I occasionally contribute to, there are weeks I write up to 15 different pieces. I am a prolific motherfucker. But I can’t be that if I’m spending time tweeting instead of crafting pieces around the types of thoughts that would have been wasted on tweets. (And, as far as Snapchat goes, my testicles have been descended for too long to spend much time there.)

And while Facebook has its faults, its ubiquity makes it necessary for me. Because no other platform drives traffic to VSB the way it does. Also, I do enjoy having a mechanism that curates my life. I first got on Facebook in 2007. And now, nine years later, my page is equal parts memory book, diary, event planner, and socializer. 

Which is why, today, I’m saddened by the revelation that Facebook is also the pettiest of petty hos.

Of course, I already knew that Facebook, if not quite the devil, had some latent aint shit tendencies. It’s good for randomly switching up the algorithm used to control what you’re able to see from other people and what other people are able to see from you. Which might not mean much for people with personal pages but matters a lot to people and businesses with fan pages. Also, it’s a Darius Lovehall-level stalker. It knows things about me I don’t even know about myself yet. Right now, an ad from Suitsupply is the third thing from the top of my page. Before I saw it, I wasn’t thinking about getting anything from Suitsupply this week. Especially not a pair of Jort Light Grey Fishtail Trousers. But now I am.

Again, though, I was aware of and accepting of this aintshitness. Because the aintshitness level was an acceptable one. Kinda like being married to a character played by Michael Beach. But then last week I learned that, for the last few years, Facebook has been filtering the messages you receive and directing them to some secret compartment; a place my cousin coined the Illuminati inbox. An article from HelloGiggles alerting everyone to this was shared around Facebook last week. Now, is it common and necessary for email and instant messaging services to have some type of filtering mechanism in place? Definitely! But you’re aware your messages are being filtered, and there’s often a not-at-all-hard-to-find-at-all place you can go to find them. Facebook, however, didn’t feel the need to tell people their messages are being filtered, which sucks because A) THEY DIDN’T BOTHER TO TELL PEOPLE THEIR MESSAGES ARE BEING FILTERED and B) 95% of these messages are real actual messages from real actual people!!!

fb-messages-hidden

Damon Young

 

Granted, 10% of the messages in my Illuminati inbox are from the type of people who felt the need to jump on Facebook and call me a nigger lover. But the rest are messages I really would have liked to read. And some are messages I needed to read. In 2016 alone I found three messages from people from large media entities either expressing an interest in partnering with VSB or asking if I’d be interested in working with them, at least a dozen from ex-classmates, ex-coworkers, and ex-girlfriends reaching out to let me know they read a piece of mine somewhere, and one from a very popular showrunner of a very popular show just reaching out to say they loved my work. But because Facebook is the pettiest of petty motherfuckers, now I look like the asshole who either ignores messages or takes 13 months to reply to them.

I was rooting for you Facebook. Willing to stay loyal while the Snapchat hoes kept trying to tempt me. But now you’re messing with my sanity and my reputation. And my money. And although I’m not leaving you (sigh), I just wanted to let you know I know you as much as you know me now. And you aint shit.

Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a columnist for GQ.com And he's working on a book of essays to be published by Ecco (HarperCollins). Damon is busy. He lives in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes. Reach him at damon@verysmartbrothas.com. Or don't. Whatever.

  • Jocelyn

    I read “I am a prolific mother…” in a Rick James voice. It seemed to fit. I missed quite a few important messages and had to fix some relationships because FB is petty.

  • Snapchat > Facebook because I can send pics and messages to Senait Gidey.

    • Brass Tacks

      Ricky, The women you choose to give recognition to are definitely applause worthy.

      • -rolls eyes-

        • Brass Tacks

          His love affair with twigs notwithstanding. From his tumblr to the women he randomly name drops here. He definitely has an “eye” for those beauties I never even heard of.

          This is coming from a guy who at 18 had a redonkulous King collection.

          • Brandon Allen

            Twigs is dope tho.

            • Brass Tacks

              She dates the vampire dude that looks like he’s allergic to soap.

              They look like they have stank chex.

            • Val

              Meh. She’s a one trick pony.

          • Eh. Lest I start hating, I’ll just sit in the corner of quietude and hush.

            • PhlyyPhree

              You got popcorn back here? Because I feel like I need to join you

              • -mumbles something about Snapchat deez, ya nasty and lawns and hands you the bag-

            • Brass Tacks

              You not a hater, Sawyer.

              Speak your truth!

              • You can’t handle my truth, Brass.

      • Epsilonicus

        She is too skinny

        • Thanks for saying it. She’s cute, but I’ll wait until she fills put a bit.

          • Anytime the shoulder blades stick out farther than the breasticles….its a no.
            Someone get her a sandwich .

            • Tambra

              Some people like the “skeleton chic”, who I am to criticise.

        • Brass Tacks

          I aint got no specific body type, bruh. Thick/Thin and all the variables in between have been -redacted- by Brass.

          Besides, Slim youngins get really nice bottoms when you’re doing it right…Or so I’ve heard.

        • Kas

          Yep, gonna need to put some meat on those clavicles.

    • Val

      No messages to Imaan?

      • No idea she had one

    • -h.h.h.-

      good look sir #Salute

    • KB

      Damon described snapchat perfectly when he said his testicles have been descended for far too long to use that. It’s annoying as fugg. A few months ago my brother and dad came with me on a drive to Tampa because I caught a flight from there. My brother basically snapchatted the entire trip. I wanted to throw his phone out the window. If there is anything that will make you hate an entire generation of people, it’s snapchat.

  • -h.h.h.-
    • PhlyyPhree

      It’s baaackkk. Lol

      • Sherylpmartin4

        “my room mate Lori Is getting paid on the internet 98$/hr.”….!oa755utwo days ago new Silver McLaren P2 bought after earning 18,512 Dollars,,,this was my previous month’s paycheck ,and-a little over, 17k Dollars Last month ..3-5 h/r of work a day ..with. extra open doors &. weekly. paychecks… it’s realy the simplest. work. I have ever Do.. I Joined This 7 months. ago. and now making over. 87 Dollars, p/h.Learn. More right Here!oa755????? http://GlobalSuperJobsReportsEmploymentsProductionsGetPaidHourly98$…. .??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??::::::!oa755u…..

      • Mariellanglinais

        “my room mate Kathy Is getting. pay on the laptop 98$/hr.”….!ca159ctwo days ago an awesome black McLaran P3 bought after earning 18,512 DoIIars,,,this was my previous month’s payscheck ,and-a little over, 17k DoIIars Last month .,,3-5 hours job a day..with. extra open doors &. weekly. payschecks…it’s realy the simplest. job I have ever Do.. I Joined This 7 months. ago. and now making over. 87 $, p/h.Learn. More right Here!ca159c????? http://GlobalSuperJobsReportsEmploymentsContentGetPayHourly98$…. .??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??::::::!ca159c…..

    • I like your new avi.

      • -h.h.h.-

        it’s the thuggish ruggish feline.

        • Perhaps you need him to run these new cat cafés around, and keep those other cats in check…

          • -h.h.h.-

            i might have to. a lotta fugazi felines out there. they gotta start paying me what they owe off these catnip operations.

          • Okay, you are costing my organization precious time because I am transfixed by this DJing cat.

          • Aye Bee

            We call my boss DJ Meow bc when he had to sync his iphone in the car so that he could DJ on a drive one day, his iPhone is named iKitten. I most def just sent this to him. He busted out laughing when he saw this. Thank you!!!

    • I’m not a cat person, but that’s an adorable avi.

      • -h.h.h.-

        grazzi.
        *hardcore b-boy pose*

        *bumps Jadakiss vs. Beanie Sigel diss tracks in cubicles all along the east coast*

        • Quirlygirly

          It is super cute but I love cats soo I’m partial..

          It reminds me of the cat in the movie Keano.. There is a scene in the trailer where Method Man is holding a kitten with a durag on..

          • -h.h.h.-

            It reminds me of the cat in the movie Keano..

            you win! it is the cat from that upcoming Blockbuster movie “Keanu”!! make sure you go see it April 29th! #SupportBlackActors #BlackActorsLivesMatterToo

            • Quirlygirly

              *jumps up and down

              I won, I won…wait what do I win…dang nothing!!

    • Stealing the shyt outta this gif.

    • This one never gets old either.
      Not yet anyway, lol.

  • Madame Zenobia

    I went and looked when I first read about this mystery box, but I didn’t have any missed messages. So now I feel sort of left out because I can’t be outraged like everyone else.

    • TeeChantel

      I just checked this box and Fred Smith sent me a message from a couple of months ago. I don’t know anything about him except that he listed his employer as “Getting Money.” Le Sigh.

      • Because that sounds like a respectable employer. LOL

        • TeeChantel

          Fred gotta pay for a set of gold grillz somehow lol

      • Madame Zenobia

        Clearly this is someone you should get to know.

        • TeeChantel

          Negative. LOL

      • Tambra

        Where do people find these schools , universities, employers etc? I always picture some dead beat or angry person.

    • KNeale

      When I was on facebook in college I only ever got messages about parties on/around campus. Nobody tryna get at me..nothing!! I never get a lot of messages on social media even today on IG and such. No one is ever sending me digg pikks, tryna marry me, or even just say hi!

      *steps off roof of new york building, lands on barrel of fruit on and only breaks limbs but doesn’t die

  • What amuses me about Facebook is they suggest all of these potential “friends” but we only share one person in common…Feds.

    • There are people I know from Tumblr they are recommending me and some of you VSB people.

      • I’ve been recommended a few old school VSBers but not any of the current crop that I’m aware of. No Tumblr people though.

    • WORD. That, or people that for various reasons I don’t want to connect with!

      • Forgot to untie you at the last BDSM rope demonstration?

        • BOL! Seriously though, there are some people who don’t know that certain ish ain’t FB material. Like I don’t need to see those pics from the dungeon or 50-11 memes about how kinky you are.

          Oh, and I’m not on that side of the game, bruh. Jussayin.

        • Tambra

          What in the kinky heck have you and Todd been up to?

          • I don’t do the dungeon thing.

            • Tambra

              Busted! Never said dungeon.

    • Buster Cannon

      I keep getting friend requests from folks that I’ve never seen a in my life. I get that we have like 50 mutual friends, but I’m not adding you if I have no idea who you are.

    • CheGueverraWitBlingOn

      Friends Request be like…

  • rikyrah

    OT: Nobody at VSB is watching Underground? I was waiting for someone to FrontPage it.

    • I’m a couple of episodes behind. It’s on my DVR but I haven’t had the time to watch. My wife watches it live but the way my bed time is set up.

    • Sigma_Since 93

      Loving the show but I don’t use FrontPage.

    • I watch it!!!

    • I tried but Jurnee can’t act and i don’t need to deal with another non acting Smollett in my television

      • Lea Thrace

        cold world Trizzy

    • KNeale

      I am trying. First of all I can’t watch it online because you have to login and my provider (Cox) isn’t an option even though I have the channel on my TV?!?!? They played it from the beginning this weekend but couldn’t watch it straight through because I had errands and things. So now I feel lost! What do I do?

      Also, minor note: the lighting is not great and I have a hard time watching dimly lit TV shows/movies.

    • KNeale

      I am trying. First of all I can’t watch it online because you have to login and my cable people (c0x) isn’t an option even though I have the channel on my TV?!?!? They played it from the beginning this weekend but couldn’t watch it straight through because I had errands and things. So now I feel lost! What do I do?

      Also, minor note: the lighting is not great and I have a hard time watching dimly lit TV shows/movies

      my other comment is in moderation, maybe because I said the cable company?

    • Ess Tee

      I’m watching, albeit a few days late. The WGN America site was updating regularly (like the day after live airing), but then they fell off once episode three aired. They had the nerve to post episode four last week when it was episode five that aired.

    • Brandon Allen

      What is Underground? Somebody explain por favor.

      • Brass Tacks

        I think its a show on WGN that focuses on the Underground Railroad. Or it maybe a shot out to a popular 90’s hangout spot in Atlanta.

        Its most likely the former. But i’d much rather watch the latter.

    • rikyrah
  • Tambra

    I left the devil behind and even now it is trying to get back in its clutches.

  • Spam filters are overrated.

    Same thing with google, I get let legitimate emails sent into spam, then I have to filter through all the supposed Nigerian scammers telling me I’ve won $2.57 Million. I’m like, I already know what “Yahooze” means, unlike, well…

    http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2008/10/15/article-1077754-021CDE90000005DC-207_468x312.jpg

    As for Facebook:

    https://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s–AMQM_IQ2–/c_fill,fl_progressive,g_north,h_358,q_80,w_636/18mrvs5i9x4pkjpg.jpg

  • porqpai

    I knew. I didn’t care because I have a pathological dislike of Facebook’s Messenger app. And the people I have told that I hate Messenger who persist in only contacting through that medium deserve to be ignored.

    • TeeChantel

      What’s wrong with Messenger? I’d rather use Messenger than actually logging into FB.

      • porqpai

        Nothing outside of the fact that when Messenger came out it was the fiddy-leven-thousandth chat/SMS/mmx app out and I was tired of keeping up with all the logins, friends, etc.
        Right now my rule is, if I actually WANT to communicate with you, you have my personal and/ or professional email, or my cell. USE THEM, preferably in that order.

        • TeeChantel

          That’s a good rule to have. I try to keep it to a minimum of one social media app. No Instagram. No SnapChat. No WhatsApp. Nada.

          I basically use Messenger for folks I don’t want to give my number out to. And now that you can deactivate your FB page and continue to use messenger that makes me very happy.

          • porqpai

            I use a burner google voice for that. Loved using that when the Mormons was coming for me lol.

      • Epsilonicus

        Messenger comes through in the clutch

        • TeeChantel

          Yup, it sure does.

    • Buster Cannon

      I miss the days when the Messenger function was IN the Facebook app, and you didn’t have to install it separately.

      • porqpai

        I miss the days when ppl would txt, email, or call me. Just saying, why I need a app middle man for that? Ion get it at all.

  • FB is racist as FUKK… How do YOU get banned for posting what racists post but the racist isn’t banned?

    I have been in FB jail so much… I hired a bail bondsman. lmao

    • How do you end up in FB jail? Considering the things I say in public and private, I think I’m the Teflon Don of Facebook.

      • How DON’T you end up in FB jail… I cussed out a racist and reposted their bs… BANNED.

        Posted about misogynistic men …BANNED

        Posted about appropriation… BANNED…

        I thought my name was BANNED.

        • Kas

          They just know you trying to incite an uprising under different guises.

          • They only ban me under one.. my personal page that I’m on regularly…. I also found that my vetting process needed to be updated because these new kneegrows that LOVE white allies… were reporting me.. my block game is a beast..lol

    • Val

      Two seconds after I finished writing the words ‘White Supremacist’ fb banned me for a week.I didn’t really care though. I mean it’s only fb, it’s not my bank account or anything really important. But I think in fb’s mind it thinks it’s on the same level with bank accounts.

      • I use FB alot for my blog and the online paper that i write for but I have like 4 accounts. the man can’t stop me!

        • Quirlygirly

          They can’t hold a good woman down!

    • Vanity in Peril

      I recently was banned for telling a group page of reverse racism cousin luvvahs that they all bang their cousins. Reported the actual kkk koated racism on the page to Marky mark and the zuckerbunch…”does not violate our blada rada yada….”

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