A few weeks ago, our sources were somehow able to find an email conversation between Nicki Minaj and Meek Mill. And then, a couple weeks later, one between Meek Mill and Drake. Wouldn’t you know it, those same sources found another email conversation, but between Drake and Serena Williams. We have great sources.
A condensed version can be found below.
From: firstname.lastname@example.org: To: Serena@Serena.Serena: 3:07am
It’s 3 AM in Toronto. It’s also 3 AM in New York. It’s funny how, the times can be the same in different places, but we’re not in the same place. But every time I see a clock, I know you’re looking at the same clock. With the same time. So it’s like we’re in the same place. Always.
I miss you.
I love you.
From: email@example.com: To: Serena@Serena.Serena: 4:26am
I just took a shower. It helps me stretch before I go to the studio to take Snapchat screenshots of red velvet cake recipes and do Crossfit. I know you said it’s not good for my back. And I know I said I would listen to you. I am, Serena, I promise. This will be the last night I do Crossfit in the studio.
From: firstname.lastname@example.org: To: Serena@Serena.Serena: 5:47am
Noah — You remember him from the kickball game right? — he wants to know what’s up with Venus. I told him I would ask you even though I already know the answer. That’s crazy, right? We know so many answers. But we ask the questions anyway. Because our hearts are fighting our brains. And our brains are fighting our souls. And our souls are fighting our sleep. Because love is the soul’s recognition of its counterpart.
That last line isn’t from me. It’s from The Wedding Crashers. That’s probably my favorite Vince Vaughn movie. Everyone says Vince Vaughn can only play himself in movies. But it’s harder to know yourself — to completely be inside yourself — than it is to not know yourself. Masturbation.
But yeah, Noah wants the hook up with Venus. What should I tell him?
From: email@example.com: To: Serena@Serena.Serena: 6:01am
I finally told my mom about you last weekend. I called her on the phone. She was like “I know you don’t like me calling you Aubrey. But I don’t like calling you Drake, either. So I’ll just call you Meadow.” And I was like “I’ve always liked Meadows. My favorite meadow ever was that patch of grass under the Peace Bridge you used to take me to to play wiffle ball and eat Cheddar Bacon Goldfish in the summer. I could never hit your pitches. But you told me to just keep swinging. And you said my dad left you for Lark Voorhees. But I knew you were lying. I know he left because he was allergic to kitchen magnets, but you wouldn’t get rid of them.”
And she was like “I got your text about Serena. Do you really believe she’s the one?” And I was like “I do.” And she was like “Didnt you say the same thing about Onika?” And I was like “I did, but she’s with Rahmeek now.” And she was like “Didn’t you say the same thing about Mrs. Twerk Something?” And I was like “It’s actually Mizz Twerksum, mom. She’s very specific about her name, for branding purposes.” And she was like “But anyway, didn’t you say that about her?” And I was like “I did.” And she was like “What about Flo from the Progressive commercials. What happened to her?” And I was like “Flo understands me. We’ll never be together, but we’ll never be apart”
And she was like “Meadow, what makes Serena different?” And I told her about that night the ball boys at Wimbledon gave me an extra key to Centre Court. And I waited until midnight came and everyone was gone. I think you were back in America already. Or on a date with Paul George. And then I went on the court and cuddled with the net. I know it wasn’t you. It was a tennis net. But I told her I never felt closer to any human than I did with you when I was cuddling that tennis net. And she was like “Be careful, Meadow.” And I was like “I love her.”
And I got off the phone and went to Baja Fresh. Everyone loves Chipotle. But Baja Fresh is better.
From: firstname.lastname@example.org: To: Serena@Serena.Serena: 7:28am
I’m sitting in the bath tub right now. No water. Just air and bathtub porcelain. I was just watching highlights of you in Cincinnati on ESPNNews. You make me speechless. I see you and don’t know what words to say. Rosetta Stone. Every moment I think of you is like the first time I had a cupcake. Do you know how awesome that would be? If every time you ate a cupcake, it was like your first time eating a cupcake? That’s how I feel when I see you. Like a three year old biting a cupcake. Or a 28 year old with a bad memory biting that same cupcake. Over and over again because he keeps forgetting that he already bit the cupcake. That 28-year-old is me. And that feeling motivates me to keep doing all these core exercises, so I can lift you up without help from Noah.
From: Serena@Serena.Serena: To: email@example.com: 7:51am
Hey! Headed to morning workout. Might txt later. Bye!
From: firstname.lastname@example.org: To: Serena@Serena.Serena: 7:52am
Have fun baby!!!!! Say hi to Pappa Richard for me. Tell him he can keep the copy of Valkyrie. I’ll just buy another one. I love you!!!!!!!!!!!!