Featured, Pop Culture, Theory & Essay

A Leaked Email Exchange Between Drake And The Beard He Just Cut Off

Our crack source team has been able to find multiple leaked email conversations between celebrities such as Drake, Kanye, Drake, Meek Mill, President Obama, and Drake. They outdid themselves this time, though, by finding a conversation Drake recently had with the beard he just cut off.

A condensed version of the conversation is below:

From: kingofthewoes@gmail.com: to drakesoldbeard@gmail.com: 10:13am:

I know you’re still mad at me because I cut you off. I see you unfollowed me on the Gram this morning. And I know this because I had the Instagram people invent a software to show me exactly when someone unfollows me. Because that lets me know which names to sub in songs I make with Future. Tiffany from Atlanta, Carmen from Houston, Jessica from Charlotte, and now Beard from Toronto. I know you think I don’t want you. That I don’t miss you. That, when I close my eyes, the first thing I think about after I think about rainbow gummy bears is you. That literally cutting you off of my face means I don’t want you around my face anymore. But I need you, Beard, always. And I need you to need to need me. And I need you to know I need you even though I’ve clearly made a decision to let you know I don’t need you. You will always be my first. And while I was a man before I met you, you were the first to make people see my manhood, to see the arms-day-all-the-time side of me, to give my fans an assurance I have an actual penis and not a bowl of quinoa and a thrifted collection of Highlights magazines between my legs. I love you, and I’d love if you continued to love me too. From a far, though. Not on my face.

(There were no return emails from Drake’s Beard, because beards are not sentient and therefore can’t talk or complete the registration required to start email accounts, so Drake just emailed the beard again.)

From: kingofthewoes@gmail.com: to drakesoldbeard@gmail.com: 10:15am:

I was feeling down about your Gram unfollow this morning, and remembering the days when I used to take you and rub you against my forearms because I enjoyed the roughness of your tickle, so I called my mom. And she was like “Who is this?” I was like “It’s me, mom. It’s Drake, your son.” And she was like “You know I hate it when you call yourself Drake.” And I was like “I know.” And she was like “I’m just going to call you DryFace.” And I was like “That’s cool.” And she was like “Why are you calling, DryFace?” And I was like “Remember that fall when I told you I wanted to play football, and you started laughing so hard you started choking on a cherry pit.” And she was like “Of course I remember that, DryFace.” And I was like “I gave you the Canadian Heimlich. Which was just me tickling your throat with maple leaves.” And she was like “You saved my life that day. But then DryFace, when I was done choking, you said ‘I really do want to play football this fall’ and I almost started choking again. But luckily I was out of cherries.” And I was like “I love you mom.” And she was like “I love you too, DryFace.”

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Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a columnist for GQ.com and EBONY Magazine. And a founding editor for 1839. And he's working on a book of essays to be published by Ecco (HarperCollins). Damon is busy. He lives in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes. Reach him at damon@verysmartbrothas.com. Or don't. Whatever.

  • LMAO the neediness of it all. #DryFace
    He needs to keep that beard…ol soft jaw self.

    • Tambra

      You do not want to see wheelchair Jimmy? What has he done to you?

    • miss t-lee

      ALL OF IT.

  • I’m legit hurt he ain’t a Post Bad Beard no mo’. He look like Lord VoldEMOrt in the “after” pic.

    • miss t-lee

      My Drake lust immediately went away when I saw that pic this morning.

      • Niecy

        His face ain’t the only thing that dried up, huh?

        • miss t-lee

          Sahara.

    • DBoySlim

      I see what you did there.

  • OhHappySlay

    “the roughness of your tickle” LMAOOOO That right there tickled me in all my rough spots!

    • Jennifer

      Hey!

      • OhHappySlay

        That face and roll that Ms. Jones has, has all the stank on it that bearded Drake deserved…but baby-face Drizzy gets no love.

    • miss t-lee

      oh my.

  • brothaskeeper

    “I gave you the Canadian Heimlich. Which was just me tickling your throat with maple leaves.”

  • Niecy

    I read an article saying that he cut it off because he’s hosting SNL this week. SNL stay ruining ish. First humor, now Drake’s face.

    • Janelle S

      Oh man. That episode broke my heart. Not only Marcia’s hair, but also that turrible hair piece they had on Leonard Roberts.

  • -h.h.h.-

    but yet when men say something about women cutting thei

    *HHH’s internet is cut off by…“The Formation”*

    • Andie

      say it say it say it h h h

      • I will. When women cut their hair, most people think it’s because they’ve just had a break up. THERE.

        • Andie

          I could see that. I wonder what shaving your beard makes people think? Is that a break up too? It is hard to maintain a beard right? Like it seems like extra work. Er something. Like it is just simpler to not have 1. Like more times at the barber, and pricier. Why did I start pondering this.

          • Me

            I always stereotyped beard shaving to mean negro wake up call. Like somebody finally ripped you a new one and you were forced to shed your Hotep shield and start fresh. Too much?

            • Kas

              Too much on it

            • Tambra

              So I guess I am probably the only person who loves to see a clean face.

              • Jennifer

                Depends on the face.

              • Me

                If I meet you with a clean face, I could possibly love it, and never request the fuzzies. If I meet you with a bearded face, I’m likely to hate your clean face (just had to find a subliminal way to convince dude that be under me that he “shaved a little too close this week” and not that he had me feeling like a pedo this week).

                • Tambra

                  I must admit it does look a big weird at first, especially when that part is so much fairer than the rest. But I like to see it.

                • Buster Cannon

                  If I meet you with a bearded face, I’m likely to hate your clean face (just had to find a subliminal way to convince dude that be under me that he “shaved a little too close this week” and not that he had me feeling like a pedo this week).

                  http://i.imgur.com/MOoeaFd.jpg

                  • Me

                    EXACTLY! I got over the whole baby face look in high school. The worst is when shaving brings out your feminine features. Might as well call it a wrap for the night. There can only be one Prince.

                    • Drake ALWAYS NEEDS A BEARD

                    • Mochasister

                      Chile, yes he does. That beard helped him immensely. I didn’t find him attractive until he had his beard. It made him look like a man. A Black man. I love facial hair on men. It’s sessy. And don’t let a little bit of gray be in said beard. Lawd!

                  • Tambra

                    Babies are cute and some men need to do something with the unkempt bush on their faces they walk about the place with.

            • CheGueverraWitBlingOn

              Way too much.

        • Andie

          Totally off topic. Somedays. Days like this. I wish we weren’t all virtual friends. Like you were gonna have a bbq tonite and everybody would be there. And we’d just talk shid about shid. Why does that concept almost feel like Narnia to me. The last book. Everybody would be there.

          • Kas

            Well there is also the part where we are scattered around the country/globe.

            • Andie

              Narnia

          • Other_guy13

            There’s always a Skype BBQ…but that seems like alot of work.

        • Kas

          I’ve had two different s.o.’s cut their hair off . . . right before they dumped me. My current wife is required to get my permission just to get her ends trimmed.

          • Me

            I’ve done this before, but the cut had little/nothing to do with him, though. It was one of those “I’ve been asking your opinion about this for a solid year now, and you’ve been mum while I hmmed & hawed about a new look, so since your opinion/feelings/shock is pretty damb close to no longer mattering, I’m gonna go ahead and start making singular decisions just to see how it feels… and if you outlast this cut, then hey… there’s that” type of decisions.

            • Kas

              My wife chopped her hair about a year ago under the pretense of going natural. We still together, but every time she says we need to talk, I tense up.

              • Tambra

                Awwww. You need reassuring hugs.

                • Kas

                  Men don’t admit to needing hugs.

                  • Tambra

                    I am gonna give u still

                • ha!!

              • Me

                This phenomenon always has me chuckling b/c the fear is strong w/y’all. I’ve yet to even use it in that way but I’ve had to talk a couple dudes off the ledge just by uttering those words and not realizing.

                • Kas

                  The fear is real. When women decide they want a change in their lives, whole hog and scorched earth are thoughts that come to my mind.

                  • Me

                    For future reference, what’s a less scary way to say “we need to talk” when a change is coming, but not in the form of rath? Like if I just found out news that’s gonna sidetrack our financial plans & “we need to talk” so we can game plan before the hammer drops, and dude walks through the door, and I know this is what he would want to discuss before we get caught up in trivial bs, what is the phrase I should greet him with or text to him before he gets out of the car so he knows to come in with the game face on?

                    • Kas

                      We need to talk, followed by something along the lines of “it’s not relationship related” or “don’t freak out our relationship is good”.

                    • CheGueverraWitBlingOn

                      I doubt any dude want to be hit with that before he get settled in the house. Trust me….but if you feel like it something you need to present with that much gravity then, …”Hey baby, something came up I wanted to get your thoughts on…”

                  • So that’s why my hubby went apeshyt when I cut my mohawk.. he LOVED MY LONG HAIR

                    • Kas

                      Now you know. :)

          • Tambra

            LMAO, that is really funny.

            • Kas

              Yes, I almost died laughing. Har, har, har

              • Tambra

                I was referring to your wife part not the dumping part. I can see a rolling pin coming out.

          • Jennifer

            Yep! That’s exactly when I did my big chop and went natural 10 years ago. S.O. discouraged me and I didn’t care. He didn’t last another month or so.

            • Kas

              My dumb@ss was fully supportive. I had no idea getting rid of their hair was just a practice run for getting rid of me.

              • Tambra

                You are being dramatic.

                • Kas

                  I feel as if you are trying to make a point, but I am just speaking my truth. Trying to teach the kids and shitz.

                  • Tambra

                    Nah. I think I am realising the extent of the trauma now.

                    • Kas

                      Yes, getting dumped is traumatic. Think about this next time before you give some guy his walking papers because you don’t like the way he chews his cereal.

                    • Tambra

                • Kas

                  Am not

              • Other_guy13

                That happened once…but I think its because I told her she got the “dirty tennis-ball cut”….should have just rubbed her booty and kept my mouth shut…lesson learned.

            • Other_guy13

              That sucks…it cant be that serious.

    • miss t-lee

      don’t not speak now…lol

  • DBoySlim

    1. This made me laugh out loud.
    “I gave you the Canadian Heimlich. Which was just me tickling your throat with maple leaves.”

    2. I think I’ve had this conversation with my beard. Don’t judge me.

  • Other_guy13

    It’s Friday the 13th so I believe this is EXACTLY how things went down.

  • I’m just here to steal .gifs.

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