we were lied to.
you see, as youngsters, most of us were told that life was fair. ingrained in us from that first kindergarten kickball game when ms. edwards split the teams evenly so that aspergers alex and short-foot shawn wouldn’t hafta be on the same squad, we’ve been told that if you played by the rules, ate your veggies and kissed your janky looking teachers aide mom on the lips at least once a day, everything would be ok.
as we grew older and more worldly, we began to realize that the apples we placed on ms edwards desk everyday apparently just kept her stock-full of sh*t. life isn’t fair, jim jones still exists, and the pittsburgh steelers continue to prove that pittsburghers are just inherently better at everything...a fact which really isn’t fair to everyone else.
thing is, despite our knowledge of the latent unfairness and inequality synonymous with human life, there’s one aspect of our existence that many of us still hope will be even and balanced and just and exactly like that kickball game, except, of course, without short-foot shawn running in circles because he can’t make right turns. yet, as an example of one of lifes more darkly humorous ironies, this hope is kept for the one aspect of our existence that will never be completely even.
fair? maybe. just? ha! even? hell the f*ck no.
i’m referring, of course, to romantic relationships.
pick your percentage. there’s literally billions, trillions of different ways to add to 100. just know that it will never, ever, ever be 50-50.
there’s always going to be someone who loves a tiny bit more, who has a bit more invested than the other person, and who has a larger emotional capacity than the person they’re in the relationship with. things will never be 50-50. someone will always have the final say, and someone will always possess the virtual perpetual tie-breaker sitting on top of the elephant in the room.
that utopic vision of a life replete with equal salaries, equal libido, equal responsibility, and equal say, with everyday culminating with the perfect o where you both climax at the exact same time while staring at the exact same spot in each others eyes? ha! that’s more contrived and unbelievable than this new subway promotion (thanks c.f.)
thing is…this isn’t a bad thing. sure, you dont want to be in a situation where you’re willing to die for someone who still has you listed in their phone as “samia safenut“, but every human relationship has the same dynamic: someone always the upper-hand. shit even in business, there’s always one stakeholder who owns a tiny bit more of the company than everyone else. the difference can be one half of one percentage point, but that number is enough to give him the trump card if the hand ever gets to that point…and its for our own benefit.
without this in place, life would be nothing but a series of continual stalemates and tie scores. billions of people stuck at forks in the road, stagnant for eons because they couldnt decide between chinese or mexican food that night. a world full of people with jagged genitals because they’ve spent their entire lives sitting on fences contemplating sh*t instead of leading or being led.
so…what do to? just make sure you’re not aspergers alex out there trying to play dodgeball with roger clemens, catching fastballs and sh*t with your what remains of your teeth, and you should be good.
hmmm…maybe ms edwards knew what she was doing after all.