Theory & Essay

equal? ha! you’re funny

we were lied to.

you see, as youngsters, most of us were told that life was fair. ingrained in us from that first kindergarten kickball game when ms. edwards split the teams evenly so that aspergers alex and short-foot shawn wouldn’t hafta be on the same squad, we’ve been told that if you played by the rules, ate your veggies and kissed your janky looking teachers aide mom on the lips at least once a day, everything would be ok.

as we grew older and more worldly, we began to realize that the apples we placed on ms edwards desk everyday apparently just kept her stock-full of sh*t. life isn’t fair, jim jones still exists, and the pittsburgh steelers continue to prove that pittsburghers are just inherently better at everything...a fact which really isn’t fair to everyone else.

thing is, despite our knowledge of the latent unfairness and inequality synonymous with human life, there’s one aspect of our existence that many of us still hope will be even and balanced and just and exactly like that kickball game, except, of course, without short-foot shawn running in circles because he can’t make right turns. yet, as an example of one of lifes more darkly humorous ironies, this hope is kept for the one aspect of our existence that will never be completely even.

fair? maybe. just? ha! even? hell the f*ck no.

i’m referring, of course, to romantic relationships.

70-30

60-40

52-48

50.1-49.9

pick your percentage. there’s literally billions, trillions of different ways to add to 100. just know that it will never, ever, ever be 50-50.

never.

there’s always going to be someone who loves a tiny bit more, who has a bit more invested than the other person, and who has a larger emotional capacity than the person they’re in the relationship with. things will never be 50-50. someone will always have the final say, and someone will always possess the virtual perpetual tie-breaker sitting on top of the elephant in the room.

that utopic vision of a life replete with equal salaries, equal libido, equal responsibility, and equal say, with everyday culminating with the perfect o where you both climax at the exact same time while staring at the exact same spot in each others eyes? ha! that’s more contrived and unbelievable than this new subway promotion (thanks c.f.)

thing is…this isn’t a bad thing. sure, you dont want to be in a situation where you’re willing to die for someone who still has you listed in their phone as “samia safenut“, but every human relationship has the same dynamic: someone always the upper-hand. shit even in business, there’s always one stakeholder who owns a tiny bit more of the company than everyone else. the difference can be one half of one percentage point, but that number is enough to give him the trump card if the hand ever gets to that point…and its for our own benefit.

without this in place, life would be nothing but a series of continual stalemates and tie scores. billions of people stuck at forks in the road, stagnant for eons because they couldnt decide between chinese or mexican food that night. a world full of people with jagged genitals because they’ve spent their entire lives sitting on fences contemplating sh*t instead of leading or being led.

so…what do to? just make sure you’re not aspergers alex out there trying to play dodgeball with roger clemens, catching fastballs and sh*t with your what remains of your teeth, and you should be good.

hmmm…maybe ms edwards knew what she was doing after all.

—the champ

Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a contributing editor for EBONY.com. He resides in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes.

  • http://www.myspace.com/shay_d_lady79 Shay-d-lady

    Here’s my take on it.. Relationships are not exactly 50-50 at any given time someone has 70% and the other has 30.. or someone has 60 the other has 40 percent however there should be an equality in the amount of time each of you has the upper hand. 1 person should not always be getting the lower end of the stick. I feel that relationships should break down like this…33% equal or common view, 33% male, 33% female, and 1% of shyt you just have to agree to disagree on.( these figures do not indicate the amount of time spent on said issue or argument) If you find yourself always on the dominant end or lower end of the stick, there’s a problem.

    • http://www.myspace.com/circa1908 Intellectual Hedonist

      nobody likes to be the bottom b*tch all the time

      • http://www.myspace.com/wudaman19 WuDaMan

        **Mormon Covenant Garments**

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

        i’m sure that Diane would beg to differ. She was lovin’ being Goldie’s bottom b*tch.

        you always want to be the bottom if you’re a ho.

        • http://www.myspace.com/wudaman19 WuDaMan

          Panamaaaa man come on if you don’t think she would have been trying to jedi chick logic Goldie you wrong my brothuh. I bet she was praying the day he went L7 he’d choose her.

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

          “hoes love the bottom” would be a great t-shirt

          • http://www.mrswagger.com Fly Guy

            I already got my money in hand. Just point me in the right direction lol

            - http://www.mrswagger.com

    • http://www.thecomebackgirl.com The Comeback Girl

      “33% equal or common view, 33% male, 33% female, and 1% of shyt you just have to agree to disagree on.( these figures do not indicate the amount of time spent on said issue or argument)”

      why do I get the feeling imma need my scientific calculator today for this post. This was good math…but if ANYBODY’s azz starts talking probability and deviation. Im gonna go postal.

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

        are you sure? cuz i can pull out some f-test analysis and run a regression taking into account income, education level, and absentee fatherism to determine just how equality plays out when accounting for societal factors.

        just sayin…

        • blackberry molasses

          hey… gotta do your power analysis first to make sure you have enough observations for to avoid skewness of your results…

          and don’t forget to do a stepwise multiple regression model to remove variables where p> .05

        • http://www.thecomebackgirl.com The Comeback Girl

          ***where is my sharp letter opener***

          thats for HI and P

        • http://naturallyalise.blogspot.com/ eysqueen

          giving me flashbacks of stats. and when your done i can whip up some snazzy full color charts and diagrams. i can animate the numbers for you too, may as well throw some flash up in there.

      • Intellectual Hedonist

        please stop, Im taking a stats class this semester and last night when I was supposed to be doing my homework I was thinking in statistics while writing the post I almost started talking about means and bell curves….

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      “or someone has 60 the other has 40 percent however there should be an equality in the amount of time each of you has the upper hand”

      you don’t think this contradicts a bit? i mean, how is there gonna be equality if the split isn’t even?

      • http://www.myspace.com/shay_d_lady79 Shay-d-lady

        you don’t think this contradicts a bit? i mean, how is there gonna be equality if the split isn’t even?

        no its more of a paradox.

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

          aren’t paradox’s contradictory in nature?

          • shay-d-lady

            yes but a paradox is a contradiction that can be and often times is proven true? so while my logic is contradictory in nature it is something that in under the right circumstances, could be proven true

  • Leila

    “pick your percentage. there’s literally billions, trillions of different ways to add to 100. just know that it will never, ever, ever be 50-50.”

    I’ve yet to be in a relationship that was anywhere near 50:50. My relationships are usually lop-sided – either the guy is more into it or I am but never at the same time. I was just having a conversation with my ex yesterday and he was talking about how he didn’t appreciate me enough while we were together.

    • Ivy St.

      Do men ever appreciate you while they have you? You always realize what you had when it is gone. As to being in a 50:50 relationship, they don’t exist and I am fine with it. There isn’t a relationship in the world that is 50:50, not even between family, so what model would be emulating? I think that relationships adjust and evolve as the environment changes. Being primates and all we are very good at adapting to changes in reward contingencies. With that said, if I contribute 45 % today, tomorrow it may just be 75%. There should never be a relationship where the same person contributes most to the relationship ALL THE DAMN TIME. BTW I do like to be wined and dined so on that night, I’ll take the back seat at 25%. ;)

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

        “Do men ever appreciate you while they have you?”

        depends on the man, and whether or not who you are is and what you have is worth appreciating and sh*t

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

          word.life.

          every diamond ain’t flawless.

          • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

            yeah. lipstick on a piece of sh*t doesn’t make it a pig. just a confusing looking piece of sh*t.

            • shay

              why does lipstick make it a pig and not a woman?

              • PrettyBrownGirl

                Frankly, I am disturbed by all this wasting of perfectly good lipstick.

                I’m just sayin’…

              • Intellectual Hedonist

                I too am distressed at the amount of lipstick that is going to waste lately.

      • Gem of the Ocean

        “Being primates and all we are very good at adapting to changes in reward contingencies.”

        you’ve been in neuroscience (read: Charlie’s lab) waaaaaay too long. but this insight is useful for comps lol

      • http://onyxdiva.blogspot.com Ms. S

        Very well said. It’s the “It needs to be 50/50″ mentally that are driving some great couples apart.

    • Swamii

      Did you appreciate him when you had him?

  • http://threewaystotakeit.wordpress.com Slim Jackson

    It’s impossible for it to be 50/50 in the eyes of either person, especially if she has miserable friends that are single.lol. I say that 50% jokingly and 50% seriously.

    Isn’t part of finding the right person something about them being able to complement (not the “Baby, you lookin good”) you?

    Lastly, if peeps are arguing about the equality of the relationship, someone must reaaallly be getting the sh*tty end of the stick. It’s supposed to be give and take. Pause.

    • http://www.myspace.com/shay_d_lady79 Shay-d-lady

      all of my past relationships were lop sided.. I guess thats part of how I know my husband is/was “the one”. We never have/had the “why do I always have to compromise/apologize ” argument.. we do argue but thats not one of our issues. A good relationship requires altruism in its truest form, which then requires each party to willingly give up control. If you have no control or refuse to give up any that in itself indicates a problem.
      I am interested to see if the opinions on this post will split with happy couples on one side and happily singles on the other….

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

        so do you think people with control issues can’t have good relationships unless they’re with somebody who is the polar opposite, i.e. one person needs to control everything and the other couldn’t care less?

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

          “so do you think people with control issues can’t have good relationships unless they’re with somebody who is the polar opposite, i.e. one person needs to control everything and the other couldn’t care less?”

          i think so

        • http://www.myspace.com/shay_d_lady79 Shay-d-lady

          so do you think people with control issues can’t have good relationships unless they’re with somebody who is the polar opposite, i.e. one person needs to control everything and the other couldn’t care less?

          kind of but not really.. because in a true relationship you have to be willing to do what you have never done so if you are a control freak like my self you have to be willing to relinquish it.. if you dont mind always following the leader you are going to have to step up and lead every once and again. Otherwise you will have more of a parent child relationship……which a lot of couples have and seem cool with

      • http://lizburr.com Liz

        A good relationship requires altruism in its truest form, which then requires each party to willingly give up control. If you have no control or refuse to give up any that in itself indicates a problem.

        You’re right, I like this point. I definitely struggle with the control aspect of relationships, which I take to mean that right now I am not ready to be in one lol.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      Isn’t part of finding the right person something about them being able to complement (not the “Baby, you lookin good”) you?

      thats the thing: it will never be exactly 50-50, but you can find the right balance with the right person.

      • 8th Wonder

        “it will never be exactly 50-50, but you can find the right balance with the right person.”

        Exactly, Champskii.

  • http://stickwithyocat.blogspot.com/ V.E.G.

    Well, one month you may carry 70 and the other month your partner may carry 80 while you scoot on buy with a 20 percent share. It’s called life. As long as you aim for balance and no one constantly feels like their load is too heavy to carry, then things are fine. It’s the trying part that matters…and showing your partner that you realize they are doing a bit more, showing a bit more RIGHT now and that you appreciate it..

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      “It’s the trying part that matters…and showing your partner that you realize they are doing a bit more”

      this is good in theory, since everyone’s not always on the same wavelength, you’re gonna have situations where people are trying their hardest, but the other doesn’t think they’re doing sh*t. from talking to people, this seems to happen alot

      • http://www.myspace.com/shay_d_lady79 Shay-d-lady

        you’re gonna have situations where people are trying their hardest, but the other doesn’t think they’re doing sh*t.

        this is often because the person thats trying is not taking action but trying to “talk” themselves into it and spending more time trying to convince others that they really are trying instead of just..you know, trying.

        • shay

          “not taking action but trying to “talk” themselves into it and spending more time trying to convince others that they really are trying instead of just..you know, trying.

          good point.

  • http://myspace.com/thomasforbes Monk

    I’ve been on both ends – giving more than 50% and giving less than 50% into a given relationship. It’s all about establishing a balance within yourself as to how much of “You” you want to give. This should moreso be based on a case-to-case basis as everyone’s relations isn’t the same.

    I will say this (to coincide with the Champ’s point), a relationship will never be totally equal. There will always be one party who feels more ‘deeplier’ than the other. This isn’t neccessarily a bad thing.

    I guess my main point is to take shyt in stride and learn how to work together. The percentage difference between two people may vary in general or in regards to stage the relationship is in…or simply time of day…it’s all variables.

    • http://www.myspace.com/wudaman19 WuDaMan

      in the words of teddy riley ‘yup yup’

  • http://www.singleblackmale.net Single Black Male

    I think everyone should aim at 50-50 … in the long run.

    It’s like the stock market or housing prices … sure your spot lost 25% of its equity right now and them bill collectors keep coming while McCain is chillin … but give it another 50 years … you’ll be aight.

    But when your ass is losing, losing, and losing some more … and your not coming back anytime soon … well … bounce.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      i dont know if i agree with this. i’ll come back after i’ve had my toast

      • http://www.singleblackmale.net Single Black Male

        While you finish your toast I’ll say this before I go grab my morning “I don’t want to be here” coffee.

        I still agree there is no way 50-50 can realistically be achieved … but getting close to it is kind of needed. You need to at least be able to self-medicate yourself into feeling your giving as much as your getting.

        If your getting 30 in the relationship … your 70 partner needs to throw you a few sacrificial “wins” at minimum.

        Who wants to be somewhere where they know their only getting 30 and it actually feels like it? I think they have books for those people.

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

          “I still agree there is no way 50-50 can realistically be achieved … but getting close to it is kind of needed.”

          ok. i’ve had my toast.

          anyway though, i wanted to agree with this, but there are some people who can only function if theyre getting 70+ or putting out 70+, and i wouldnt necessarily call them dysfunctional. would i take any of these people to kennywood? no…but they do exist

      • Intellectual Hedonist

        I licked your toast this morning… enjoy!

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

          “I licked your toast this morning… enjoy!”

          ummm…that wasn’t my toast

          • Intellectual Hedonist

            I HATE YOU!

            **shaking a fist with extended finger and walking away**

  • http://www.myspace.com/circa1908 Intellectual Hedonist

    I think the fine balance to maintain lies in that at any point in time one of you is giving/taking more than the other and so long as it is reciprocated equally its ok. However when it does not occur equitably that may cause some resentment in the relationship on one persons part

    been there done that

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      people always talk about reciprocity…and thanks to Lauryn Hill, a lot of people actually know what it means.

      however, i wonder how many people have ever been in a relationship where they felt 100 percent that they were both giving and getting everything they needed? i’m really curious about this. i’m sure it happens, b/c i’ve seen some couples who seem happy as a pig in slop. and i assume, based on this post, we’re assuming these folks are delusional…

      • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=73903598 Dom

        I wouldnt necessarily say they’re delusional, just that they have learned to deal with the ups and downs of giving and getting what they need in their relationship. Just because your relationship isnt 100% perfect doesnt mean you have to love your partner any less.

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

          i don’t think panama’s referring to whether or not a person is perfect though. what he’s getting at is the effort…not the actual person.

          • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=73903598 Dom

            I got that part. I dont think you cant love your partner just because their effort isnt 50/50. Life is rarely an equal exchange, but that doesnt mean you cant be happy as hell with what you’re getting.

            Besides, I think its sort of like the whole looks rating scale, you’re 50 may be my 40, vice versa. Its all relative to each persons relationship past and viewpoint.

      • http://www.myspace.com/shay_d_lady79 Shay-d-lady

        however, i wonder how many people have ever been in a relationship where they felt 100 percent that they were both giving and getting everything they needed? i’m really curious about this. i’m sure it happens, b/c i’ve seen some couples who seem happy as a pig in slop. and i assume, based on this post, we’re assuming these folks are delusional…

        my relationship provides me 100 percent of what I need, 80-90% of the time. It is hard work, and sometimes I do feel taken for granted, sometimes I do want a break from it all and I am sure he feels the same way; those are the true tests of the relationship but overall when it really counts my husband has proven that he is not going anywheree, that he is worthy of my love and trust and that he loves me and all of my idiosyncrasies and that gives me the strength to weather the storm.

      • http://www.myspace.com/chicanextdoor Miss Patterson

        i’m being to understand reciprocity in broader terms these days. i think it can exist in both dating and friendships. and why shouldn’t it? for example: when i notice that i’m the only one putting forth effort in the communication dept within a friendship, i stop reaching out to them and slowly phase them out of my life (and the friendship is over), so why can’t i have the same attitude towards a guy i’m dating?
        i’m not saying it’s balanced all of the time, but when i begin to feel taken for granted either by a friend or a boyfriend…i’m out. next.

  • SouthernGirl

    I don’t think it’s so much aiming for 50/50 so much as realizing that relationships are fluid…there’s always gona be times when things are good and people feel like they’re on solid (equal) ground and then life happens. can you step up and support me in those times when I feel like I can’t be strong? Damn it, yes, I hold it down the majority of the times but sh*t even even bad chicks need a break sometimes.

    my ex couldn’t do it. I stood up for him when he needed me and when I needed him he couldn’t get over his own bullsh*t but he was young and had quite a few things to learn.

    oh…and my mama never told me life was fair :-)

    • http://needmorepeople.wordpress.com/ puff

      I don’t think it’s so much aiming for 50/50 so much as realizing that relationships are fluid…there’s always gona be times when things are good and people feel like they’re on solid (equal) ground and then life happens. can you step up and support me in those times when I feel like I can’t be strong? Damn it, yes, I hold it down the majority of the times but sh*t even even bad chicks need a break sometimes.

      i completely agree with this – i’m finding one of the things that i’m having to learn to do is let myself be taken care of in a relationship. trying to be superwoman all the time is exhausting, and it makes whoever you’re with feel like they’re just extra and don’t matter much to you. a guy i once… well, long story but anyways, a guy once told me i acted this way and even though at the time i denied it, i’ve realised that he was right and subsequently am learning to check myself because when i focus to much on saving the world and whatnot, i’m giving only like 5% to someone who’s giving me far more and needs me to at least make up the extra 45% for them at times.

      wow. i think i just reached self-actualisation or something. that or my tired ass brain is telling me to get my sorry a$$ to bed asap and quit philosophising.

      • http://www.myspace.com/shay_d_lady79 Shay-d-lady

        trying to be superwoman all the time is exhausting, and it makes whoever you’re with feel like they’re just extra and don’t matter much to you

        This was one of the hardest things I had to learn with my husband.. he once told me that the most life changing moment in our relationship was the first time I cried in front of him. Consequently it was the same for me.
        IT was the day my closest cousin’s first son died in her arms at 1 years old and how I stayed up all night being strong for her trying to keep her from doing herself harm.
        This happened on top of whole lot of other family drama and I had had it…I remember my husband (then bf) asking if I was okay…and for the 1st time in a long time I couldn’t fake it… I was so tired.. It was probably one of the only times I truly didn’t have a plan, an answer, or even a thought about what to do next. I cant really explain it but I felt that burning sensation behind my eyes, the tightness in my chest and I didn’t have the strength to fight it and I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to dig deep down inside of myself and brush it off and pretend that I was okay, I didn’t want to be the strong one right then. I felt him behind me, I felt his indecision, whether to come to me or give me space. I remember him walking up behind me, hesitantly and I remember his body being almost like a magnet, pulling me towards him.. To this day I still remember How warm his arms felt around me, the feeling of his sweater against my face, the slight smell of smoke and cologne on his skin/clothes, his hands gently and methodically rubbing the back of my head, the nape of my neck not saying anything just being there for me and before I knew it I was crying, for my cousin, for her son, for me… it is probably one of the single most vulnerable moments of my life..

        • http://www.myspace.com/shay_d_lady79 Shay-d-lady

          oh the point of that very LOOOONG and personal post that I wish I had not posted was that it was one of the hardest things for me to do even though everything in me wanted to do it. Afterwards I was immediately ready to put the armor back up and now I still struggle with the feelings of insecurity that come from allowing my husband to see me in that state but thats also why i think my husband is the one because he is the only man I have ever been willing to do that with.

          • http://starkept.blogspot.com Suga&Spice

            I am struggling with this one right now. Over the past 6 months, I have had a number of guys tell me ‘As soon as you learn it is ok, to just be the woman in the relationship you will be perfect.’ Hearing that statement over and over from differenent men at different times kinda hits a girl hard.

        • http://needmorepeople.wordpress.com/ puff

          this actually made me tear up (and that’s hard to do, my ice-hearted a$$ laughed the whole way through titanic). that is truly a beautiful story.

          • Hiptodagame

            I definately shed a couple of tears too! I’m exactly the same way. The superwoman, always giving and being strong for others…laughing through titanic..and all that good stuff. Its amazing to be vulnerable like that around someone, and in fact it brings you closer. Why marry someone who you can’t do that with?

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

          “trying to be superwoman all the time is exhausting, and it makes whoever you’re with feel like they’re just extra and don’t matter much to you

          This was one of the hardest things I had to learn with my husband.. he once told me that the most life changing moment in our relationship was the first time I cried in front of him. Consequently it was the same for me.
          IT was the day my closest cousin’s first son died in her arms at 1 years old and how I stayed up all night being strong for her trying to keep her from doing herself harm.
          This happened on top of whole lot of other family drama and I had had it…I remember my husband (then bf) asking if I was okay…and for the 1st time in a long time I couldn’t fake it… I was so tired.. It was probably one of the only times I truly didn’t have a plan, an answer, or even a thought about what to do next. I cant really explain it but I felt that burning sensation behind my eyes, the tightness in my chest and I didn’t have the strength to fight it and I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to dig deep down inside of myself and brush it off and pretend that I was okay, I didn’t want to be the strong one right then. I felt him behind me, I felt his indecision, whether to come to me or give me space. I remember him walking up behind me, hesitantly and I remember his body being almost like a magnet, pulling me towards him.. To this day I still remember How warm his arms felt around me, the feeling of his sweater against my face, the slight smell of smoke and cologne on his skin/clothes, his hands gently and methodically rubbing the back of my head, the nape of my neck not saying anything just being there for me and before I knew it I was crying, for my cousin, for her son, for me… it is probably one of the single most vulnerable moments of my life..”

          wow. this is powerful stuff.

          • http://www.myspace.com/shay_d_lady79 Shay-d-lady

            Thank you guys.. I am actually a little embarrased about this post. It was very early (or late depending on how you look at it) and I wrote way more than I intended to. If you ever met me face to face you would not believe I wrote this. I honestly think most people feel like I am some kind of angry robot. But again when you are with the right person you are able to step out of yourself and attempt to become a better you. My husband humanizes me and he tells me that my drive and determination have made him a lot stronger. To me thats what a relationship is about.

            • miss t-lee

              Thanks for sharing that Shay-D. That was…seriously thought provoking.

            • http://needmorepeople.wordpress.com/ puff

              you and your husband might be my new barack and michelle (well, not new, but on that level) – basically, you’re kind of my hero.

            • PrettyBrownGirl

              It’s cool Shay-D. You may have saved somebody w/that there revelation.

              Any man who can see you in that state and not stand there blank-blinking and buck-eyed or go running for the hills while tossing a “crazy”over his shoulder for good measure is a quality dude. Count yourself as a blessed woman.

        • The Queen

          “trying to be superwoman all the time is exhausting, and it makes whoever you’re with feel like they’re just extra and don’t matter much to you”

          I agree with this statement 100%. After years of wearing the cape, it’s tough to take it off.

      • Leila

        “trying to be superwoman all the time is exhausting”

        That’s my problem. When I get into a relationship, I tend to give a lot and it’s exhausting. I think that’s why when my relationships end, I tend to drop weight and feel better because I’m not as stressed out. After my last relationship ended, I dropped 30 lbs within 4 months. I’m working on the balance, but I guess I don’t know how to be in a relationship without giving a lot.

    • miss t-lee

      “oh…and my mama never told me life was fair ”

      My Mom didn’t either…lol
      She told us early and often that life was unfair. I think I’m a better person because she didn’t sugarcoat anything.

  • http://sugahoney.blogspot.com suga

    lmao@ Samia Safenut and jagged genitals.

    A friends mom once told us girls while we sat around eating ice cream and watching music videos in high school, “never deal with a man who doesnt love you more than you love him.”

    Of course, as a teen, I heard her, but I wasn’t listening. As a grown ass woman, it makes perfect sense though. Marry a man who loves you more and you will most likely not have to worry about lies, neglect, cheating, getting punched in the back of the head, or having him pick up the bucket of chicken wings and throwing them on the kitchen floor on your birthday in front of your family and friends because you accidentally brought him a glass of luke-warm kool aid.

    In actuality though, I wouldnt mind switching the percentages every now and then…40-60 and later 70-30 is alright with me, as long as we’re both satisfied.

    • aja

      LOL ..im still laffin about Short Foot Shawn goin in circles!!

      Amen girl..i totally agree with what your friends mom told you. You will never have to worry about a man who loves you just that tiny bit more than you love him. He will always have your back when you need him. But just remember that sometimes the script can be flipped and you just might care more about him than he does about u..its all about balance..not equality.

    • http://www.thecomebackgirl.com The Comeback Girl

      ““never deal with a man who doesnt love you more than you love him.””

      I heard this too and it is super duper old school (with tons of truth), but the reasonsing was slightly different. I was told that you can grow to love the man who loves you more. A man who loves you more, you’ll never have to compromise your self respect, you won’t ever be put in the position to alter the balance of HIS NEED TO PURSUE. And you get to keep all your dignity and “sacred womaness”.

      Sounds like a fine deal to me.

    • AT_Ellesix

      “never deal with a man who doesnt love you more than you love him.”

      I am inclined to disagree. I have done this several times. Now I am not sure if it means that I just never grew to love the man enough or what. But I was miserable. I felt like a place holder. I was keeping this wonderful man (just not for me) from a deserving woman. I never could have loved him the same, but I stayed and ruined what could have been a great friendship because I was selfish and needy… and young.

      Now, maybe when I come to this situation again, I can handle it with more care… but I am still inclined to believe that you have to love each other as equally as possible… or maybe I was just a jerk and didn’t want to learn to love him as he did me. Damn, that is NEGATIVE self actualization. VSB be on that ish, son.

    • miss t-lee

      ““never deal with a man who doesnt love you more than you love him.””

      Yeah I don’t know who started this, but I don’t agree.
      This ish leaders to stalkers and being locked in closets.

      • http://www.thecomebackgirl.com The Comeback Girl

        “Yeah I don’t know who started this, but I don’t agree.
        This ish leaders to stalkers and being locked in closets.”

        LOL…I think you have to be somewhat attracted. If there is even a little attraction, is it really stalking …………………….(wait maybe it is).

        • miss t-lee

          LOL!!!
          Seriously though, if you’re not feeling him as much as he’s feeling you why waste your time?
          I guess I don’t agree with this line of thinking because
          I know I would get bored with his arse quick if I’m not feeling him, and of course that would lead to cheating, which I definitely would not want to do.
          If your foundation is faulty from jump, the relationship will be as well.

          • http://www.thecomebackgirl.com The Comeback Girl

            “Seriously though, if you’re not feeling him as much as he’s feeling you why waste your time?”

            because truth be told isn’t that how IT ALWAYS WORKS OUT in the beginning someone is always diggin one more than the other (add vairables in like, amount of others you are dating, hobbies, work committments, distractions, blogs etc….

            I would just rather be on the “right” side of the equation.

            Most women who get approached by men are exhibiting this at least on a smaller level. When a man approaches and begins to chivalrize…that “i like you more” dance has already begun.

            But again you got women out here that want to be the self-less Harriett Tubman relationship martyrs…and their fate is just as “faulty” if not more than any other.

            • miss t-lee

              “But again you got women out here that want to be the self-less Harriett Tubman relationship martyrs…and their fate is just as “faulty” if not more than any other”

              I believe this is true, this is why many ladies still believe in this adage. I’ve been in a few situations where the guy was clearly into me more than I was him, and it didn’t last. I couldn’t continue on, knowing that “it” wasn’t there and there was a strong possiblity that it would never be there. I felt like I was stringing them along and going through the motions.
              I can’t get down with it, but again, this is probably why I’m single…dah well. :)

              • http://www.thecomebackgirl.com The Comeback Girl

                me too…Im on the other side of the argument…

                keep hope alive!!!

              • miss t-lee

                Si Se Puede!! lol

            • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

              “I would just rather be on the “right” side of the equation.”

              lol…thats all you needed to say.

              • http://www.thecomebackgirl.com The Comeback Girl

                nope I needed to say what I said!!!! what exactly are you tryna say?

                lol

          • http://sugahoney.blogspot.com suga

            I think the saying is being misconstrued here. She wasn’t saying, “deal with a man who you dont love”. She was saying that we should be involved with men who love us just a little bit more that we love him. This would cut down on us having to chase down a man or compromising our wants and needs…or whatever.

            I personally, can’t deal with a man if I dont like him or i’m not attracted to him. I’ve never been able to grow to like a man who I wasn’t initially attracted to or interested in. Believe me, if I knew how to grow to love someone, i’d probably be married and be somebody’s mama by now.

      • http://naturallyalise.blogspot.com Naturally Alise

        yes, that does sound like the stalker that you have to prosecute to the fulllest extent of the law… sorry, had a flashback…

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

        ““never deal with a man who doesnt love you more than you love him.””

        Yeah I don’t know who started this, but I don’t agree.
        This ish leaders to stalkers and being locked in closets

        ***mt zion christian academy***

        • AT_Ellesix

          I am not new here, but I think there should be a VSB phrase book and how they got their meanings. I have been having my boyfriend read it and he got his Young Buck on a few times (he was confrused) about some of the references to “toast” and “holy mother of God tabernacle church of Christ” and some of them I remembered and others I couldn’t explain.

          Thanks!

      • NY

        I agree…when someone loves u 60% more to ur 40%, they can become obsessive in the relationship, which can be overwhelming to their significant other. Then when u breakup, they become a stalker, because he/she can’t let go. A relationship should have balance or a give and take, but its hard for it to be 50/50. 60/40 doesn’t mean loving someone more than the other. It should mean give and take. One day I’m a 60 and the next ur a 40. as long as we work together to make 100, its alright with me. Its when we fall short of our own personal efforts in a commitment that gets to me. Its like a business, say me and my man own a lemonade stand. He picks the lemons, buys the water, sugar, and handles the money. Its my job to serve the customers, squeeze the lemons and mix the ingredients together, while keeping the stand clean and presentable. At the end of the day, our business is a success because we worked as a team. Not necessarily in this order, but u get it….

        • http://www.thecomebackgirl.com The Comeback Girl

          “I agree…when someone loves u 60% more to ur 40%, they can become obsessive in the relationship, which can be overwhelming to their significant other”

          this is just a fact of life…i hate to bring my wet blanket collection out….

          but for those of you with siblings…you best believe your parents have a favorite and may even love one or some more than the other(s) (though on the level “you are all loved the same”).

          • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=73903598 Dom

            This is the DAMN truth! Any parent who says different is a liar.

    • http://starkept.blogspot.com Suga&Spice

      My grandmother and great-aunts all told the women in my generation the same thing.

      ‘Make sure he loves you just a little bit more than you love him.’

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      “never deal with a man who doesnt love you more than you love him.”

      good in theory, but if this was really the way things happened, there’d be no such thing as the “friend zone”

      • http://www.myspace.com/wudaman19 WuDaMan

        **Bat Mitzvah**

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      “never deal with a man who doesnt love you more than you love him.”

      i’ve always hated that statement b/c for one, its manipulative as all hell (though its rooted in self-preservation and the human spirit). however, the part that really gets me is that, what makes anybody think that the man isn’t on that same sh*t too? if i think that women are like this, then i’m gonna try to make sure my woman loves me more just to protect myself. next thing you know, we’re all looking for dependent, needy a$$ mates who end up driving us bonkers and to alcohol and then on a random ass Tuesday you wake up next to some hot lil bitty who didn’t need sh*t from you but some good lovin’…

      further, i actually think its easier for a woman to “grow to love” a man than it is for a man to “grow to love” a woman. i’ve never grown into love with a chick i was lukewarm on initially…can’t make a fire if there’s no spark.

      i may have hit, though. lol.

      i’m still a man.

      • http://www.myspace.com/wudaman19 WuDaMan

        **First Holy Communion**

      • http://www.thecomebackgirl.com The Comeback Girl

        i rebuke this message in the name of …..um…Starbucks.

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

          rebuke deez. lol.

          • PrettyBrownGirl

            “rebuke deez”

            I hope VSB has some damn insurance cuz I think I pulled something in my side laughing @ that mess right there! Why is that still ridiculously hilarious after I’ve heard it 100,000 times since Jr. High??

            Yes, I’m sure I pulled something. That’s a virtual “slip ‘n fall in a store”, PeeJay!

            • 8th Wonder

              “Why is that still ridiculously hilarious after I’ve heard it 100,000 times since Jr. High??”

              ___ deez will never get old. Its a classic like the Thriller album.

              • miss t-lee

                I concur.
                Placed at right time, this will make me cry….lmao!

            • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

              “Yes, I’m sure I pulled something. That’s a virtual “slip ‘n fall in a store”, PeeJay!”

              yeah, we have insurance. would you like to buy some?

              of course, by “insurance” i mean “t-shirts”

              • PrettyBrownGirl

                OK, that will do. I like T-shirts.

              • Intellectual Hedonist

                does your insurance cover “bladder slippage”?

              • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

                “does your insurance cover “bladder slippage”

                no, but we can spring for a few pink and green depends for you

              • http://naturallyalise.blogspot.com Naturally Alise

                Champikins, were you hurt by an AKA in a former life or something? Lay your head on my chest and tell me all about it…. lol

              • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

                “Champikins, were you hurt by an AKA in a former life or something? Lay your head on my chest and tell me all about it…. lol”

                LOL…nah. i just know that a few AKA’s are regular readers (as well as the lovely liz burr, the boobs behind vsb.com), and i like to throw jabs every once in a while.

              • Intellectual Hedonist

                @Naturally Alise~Champ may not have been hurt by a past AKA but I already told him what this AKA is going to do to his achilles if this AKA bashing continues.

      • ForReal

        “further, i actually think its easier for a woman to “grow to love” a man than it is for a man to “grow to love” a woman. ”

        That’s actually what I take from the ‘make sure he loves you more’ statement. If he don’t love you lots from jump (or close to it), he’s not going to grow into it cause that’s just not how men do. So don’t set yourself up and think that he will.

        • http://www.thecomebackgirl.com The Comeback Girl

          “That’s actually what I take from the ‘make sure he loves you more’ statement. If he don’t love you lots from jump (or close to it), he’s not going to grow into it cause that’s just not how men do. So don’t set yourself up and think that he will.”

          ***Grand Master of Tantric Buddhism Black Hat School on the mountain***

      • kaliber

        “further, i actually think its easier for a woman to “grow to love” a man than it is for a man…”

        and this is the lesson perpetuated. many times women are told we arent going to get ‘the whole package’ so if he’s nice, clean, treats you well, dzn’t beat you… you’ve won the jackpot.

        as a kid i had one of those ‘from afar’ type crushes on one of my neighbors who was about 6 years older…at 14 thats kind of a big deal. recently i ran into him and was still FYNE… but dumb as bricks. the advice from momdukes? everyone doesnt bring the same strengths to the table. *reading* wasn’t one of dude’s strengths, ok? at a play he asked me when the hot dog vendors were going to come down the asile. theres no growing into that. sorry mom.

        • miss t-lee

          “at a play he asked me when the hot dog vendors were going to come down the asile.”

          ctfu

          • kaliber

            i swear!
            like ninja this aint a baseball game!! YOU are out!!
            afterwards he offered to take me to a restaurant — and promised he would even supersize the meal.

            its so bad its funny.

            • miss t-lee

              “and promised he would even supersize the meal. ”

              OH he’s outta line.
              *throat punch*

              • 8th Wonder

                And a jab in the nads.

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

          *reading* wasn’t one of dude’s strengths, ok?

          lol…this literally had me in tears.

          • kaliber

            so was i Champ… so was i. lol

        • PrettyBrownGirl

          “at a play he asked me when the hot dog vendors were going to come down the asile.”

          I swear fo’ God and 3 white men, I would’ve gotten up and walked the hell out.

          • kaliber

            “I swear fo’ God and 3 white men”

            *falls out**
            thats hysterical LOL

      • miss t-lee

        “i’m still a man.”

        Let’s never forget that.
        And they will be men.

      • http://freetherapyorelse.blogspot.com MsSula

        further, i actually think its easier for a woman to “grow to love” a man than it is for a man to “grow to love” a woman. i’ve never grown into love with a chick i was lukewarm on initially…can’t make a fire if there’s no spark

        And that’s exactly why this point was made in the first place.

        My grandma (RIP), in her ever loving wisdom told us the same thing. Her argument (which corrobores Panama’s point) was that men are visual so they will like you or not from jump. Women tend to look for other qualities that are not displayed on first meet (i.e safety, strength of character, etc…) A woman can therefore “learn” to love her man once he displays those very qualities she’s seeking.

        *returns Comeback Girl’s wet blanket and thanks her for letting me use it*

    • WestIndianArchie

      The funniest thing about the man that loves you more than the you love him – is that you find Mr. Heart on the Sleeve boring. Sir Ice Cold is more interesting because he presents a challenge.

      • http://onyxdiva.blogspot.com Ms. S

        Touche, touche. But then as kaliber points out…

        “many times women are told we arent going to get ‘the whole package’ so if he’s nice, clean, treats you well, dzn’t beat you… you’ve won the jackpot.”

        … so in the end it all balances out, right?

        • kaliber

          its yes and no, right?

          its proven that a large % of women are willing to try to get that Mr.IceCold sprung— which is some Jenny Jones panelist logic if i ever heard it.

          but i dont see anything fair about a snoozefest… (or dating a dumb person for that matter, heh) but that whole getting w the milquetoast guy feels somewhere between ‘common sense’ and ‘settling’
          hell, i dont know either.

          • http://onyxdiva.blogspot.com Ms. S

            “but i dont see anything fair about a snoozefest… (or dating a dumb person for that matter, heh) but that whole getting w the milquetoast guy feels somewhere between ‘common sense’ and ’settling’

            Yup, you’re right. But I also believe settling for a “Mr. Ice Cold” is just that… settling. Settling for someone who you know will never be as emotionally involved as you are in a relationship.

            Gah… trying to rationalize the irrationalities of relationships makes my head hurt.

      • http://www.myspace.com/wudaman19 WuDaMan

        Actually WIA this logic (that a woman can learn to love anyone) would justify a man acting on chick logic. But when it comes down to it can he sleep easy knowing that he changed her to fit him? Shucks can anyone sleep easy knowing that they manipulated someone into what they wanted for their lifetime?

        • 8th Wonder

          Trophy wives sleep good eurrynight, believe that.

          • http://www.myspace.com/wudaman19 WuDaMan

            Okay n how is the great relationship hunter’s respite and repose coming along across the serta?

        • WestIndianArchie

          “Shucks can anyone sleep easy knowing that they manipulated someone into what they wanted for their lifetime?”

          I won’t say anything obviously bitter or misogynist here.

          • 8th Wonder

            *Hug*

  • SouthernGirl

    puff, that self actualization is a b*tch! I too learned the hard way and hung up my cape a while back but it is hard. I am such a giver and go all in for the people I care about but you can’t be all things to all people all the time. I know now that I need people in my life, romantic or otherwise who can put some energy back into me as well. all relationships are work but the point is to be there for each other and not to be standing around with that d*ck look when its time for you (or the other person) to play their part.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      lol…whats the “d*ck look”?

      • SouthernGirl

        lmao…it’s something my little brother used to say and i have no idea where he got it from but it stuck in my head. the d*ck (rhymes with rick) look is just that stupid, oh-you meant me, am I supposed to be doing something look. a d*ck look by any other name is still…the d*ck look.