EB’s, the human body snatchers
Relationships, successful ones at least, depend largely on two factors: compatibility and timing. Since compatibililty depends primiarly on personality, and since your peer group does more to influence your personality than any other entity, it makes perfect sense to do whatever it takes to extract toxic people from your life.
In a two part series, The Champ will examine two types of toxic people, evil bitch‘s broad‘s (EB’s) and diva dudes, letting you know exactly how to detect them, and why you should expunge them from your existence.
without further ado…
Five signs that you might be an evil bitch broad (EB)
1. You’ve physically fought another woman over a man
Read that statement very carefully though. You CAN defend your man. In fact, you SHOULD defend your man if you ever see him in distress and are in a position to provide assistance. Thing is, and let me make myself very clear with this: there are absolutely no circumstances where it’s okay to fight another woman in order to win a man’s affection. No man is worth this. Nobody. Not even me, and I’m The Champ. If it ever gets to this point, cut your losses and walk away. Any man that’s actually worth fighting for wouldn’t even let you have to fight to win his affection
2. You’re not clinically depressed, and you don’t have eclectic teeth, but you never smile.
Women with serious mental and/or emotional issues are excused from the whole “never smiling” thing. Thing is, if you’re not clinically depressed, and you still haven’t cracked a smile in public since Eriq Lasalle was still on “ER”, then you very well might be an EB.
Also, smiling is sexy. Let me repeat that just in case anybody missed it the first time. Smiling is sexy. Very. Very, very sexy. (Please pause and re-read those last three sentences)
Seriously, the champ has a borderline obsessive infatuation with crush on Jill Scott just because of her smile and the possibility that she’d make me early morning fish and grits while smiling that sexy ass smile.
(best served with post-coital grits and turkey bacon)
These are also usually the type of women who are just plain mean and nasty to everyone. Dogs, waitresses, cab drivers, cats, tree bark, mailmen, co-workers, salespeople…it doesn’t matter. They are perpetually curt and ungracious, somehow brainwashed into thinking that “meanness” equals “confidence” or “sexiness”.
Guys sometimes get fooled by these types of women because men whom they find attractive (at first) are usually the only people who don’t feel their wrath. Thing is guys, the meanness and selfishness will eventually affect you as well, for these are the women who’ll hide your car keys before you take you great aunt to her weekly dialysis appointment because you made the wrong flavor of kool-aid the night before.
3. You have ZERO female friends
The women who say things like “women are bitches…that why I only have close male friends” are probably EB’s. Seriously, somebody has to be suspect if they can go through 20+ years of their life and not be close to ANYBODY else in their peer group. EB’s tend to attract other EB’s. They can sniff out each others presence, and they run in packs like wild wolves or jaded Hispanics. If you’re one of those women who always seem to fall victim to EB’s and EB like activity, chances are, you’re an EB as well.
****Just to give you a clue of how utterly jacked up the “I hate other females” line is, imagine, women, if some guy you’re dating actually said “I’ve always got along better with women. I just can’t stand dudes at all. I can’t trust them, have nothing in common with them, and think they’re all silly“. I think the term “deal-breaker” was invented for people like that****
4. You consistently refer to yourself in the third person and it’s never tongue-in-cheek.
This also applies to people who consistently use air quotes to “express” their “thoughts” and “what they’re trying to say” “and stuff”. A-hole’s.
5. Nothing can embarrass you or make you blush.
It says a lot about a person who is never affected by others opinions or standard. No, you shouldn’t live your entire life strickly appeasing other people’s ideals of culture or normal behavior, but to be totally oblivious is a sign of EB-dom. These are the women who partake in consistently cringe-worthy behavior, yet the only people who actually cringe are the ones witnessing it.
Plus, along with smiling, blushing is sexy as well. There’s nothing more endearing than a woman who’s grounded enough to still feel a bit of modest awkwardness when given a sincere compliment.
EB’s are to be avoided at all costs by both sexes for one simple reason: they will make your life a living hell. Their negativity will eventually infect you, permeating into your personaility and emitting through your pores like a virus or the smell of fried salmon, snatching your body, making you virtually unfriendable and undateable
If you suspect that you or someone close to you may be exhibiting any of these behaviors, please contact our 21-hour hotline at firstname.lastname@example.org.
***coming soon, part 2: “diva dudes….the relationship jabberwockys“***