EB’s, the human body snatchers

Relationships, successful ones at least, depend largely on two factors: compatibility and timing. Since compatibililty depends primiarly on personality, and since your peer group does more to influence your personality than any other entity, it makes perfect sense to do whatever it takes to extract toxic people from your life.

In a two part series, The Champ will examine two types of toxic people, evil bitch‘s broad‘s (EB’s) and diva dudes, letting you know exactly how to detect them, and why you should expunge them from your existence.

without further ado…

Five signs that you might be an evil bitch broad (EB)

1. You’ve physically fought another woman over a man

Read that statement very carefully though. You CAN defend your man. In fact, you SHOULD defend your man if you ever see him in distress and are in a position to provide assistance. Thing is, and let me make myself very clear with this: there are absolutely no circumstances where it’s okay to fight another woman in order to win a man’s affection. No man is worth this. Nobody. Not even me, and I’m The Champ. If it ever gets to this point, cut your losses and walk away. Any man that’s actually worth fighting for wouldn’t even let you have to fight to win his affection

2. You’re not clinically depressed, and you don’t have eclectic teeth, but you never smile.

Women with serious mental and/or emotional issues are excused from the whole “never smiling” thing. Thing is, if you’re not clinically depressed, and you still haven’t cracked a smile in public since Eriq Lasalle was still on “ER”, then you very well might be an EB.

Also, smiling is sexy. Let me repeat that just in case anybody missed it the first time. Smiling is sexy. Very. Very, very sexy. (Please pause and re-read those last three sentences)

Seriously, the champ has a borderline obsessive infatuation with crush on Jill Scott just because of her smile and the possibility that she’d make me early morning fish and grits while smiling that sexy ass smile.

(best served with post-coital grits and turkey bacon)

These are also usually the type of women who are just plain mean and nasty to everyone. Dogs, waitresses, cab drivers, cats, tree bark, mailmen, co-workers, salespeople…it doesn’t matter. They are perpetually curt and ungracious, somehow brainwashed into thinking that “meanness” equals “confidence” or “sexiness”.

Guys sometimes get fooled by these types of women because men whom they find attractive (at first) are usually the only people who don’t feel their wrath. Thing is guys, the meanness and selfishness will eventually affect you as well, for these are the women who’ll hide your car keys before you take you great aunt to her weekly dialysis appointment because you made the wrong flavor of kool-aid the night before.

3. You have ZERO female friends

The women who say things like “women are bitches…that why I only have close male friends” are probably EB’s. Seriously, somebody has to be suspect if they can go through 20+ years of their life and not be close to ANYBODY else in their peer group. EB’s tend to attract other EB’s. They can sniff out each others presence, and they run in packs like wild wolves or jaded Hispanics. If you’re one of those women who always seem to fall victim to EB’s and EB like activity, chances are, you’re an EB as well.

****Just to give you a clue of how utterly jacked up the “I hate other females” line is, imagine, women, if some guy you’re dating actually said “I’ve always got along better with women. I just can’t stand dudes at all. I can’t trust them, have nothing in common with them, and think they’re all silly“. I think the term “deal-breaker” was invented for people like that****

4. You consistently refer to yourself in the third person and it’s never tongue-in-cheek.

This also applies to people who consistently use air quotes to “express” their “thoughts” and “what they’re trying to say” “and stuff”. A-hole’s.

5. Nothing can embarrass you or make you blush.

It says a lot about a person who is never affected by others opinions or standard. No, you shouldn’t live your entire life strickly appeasing other people’s ideals of culture or normal behavior, but to be totally oblivious is a sign of EB-dom. These are the women who partake in consistently cringe-worthy behavior, yet the only people who actually cringe are the ones witnessing it.

Plus, along with smiling, blushing is sexy as well. There’s nothing more endearing than a woman who’s grounded enough to still feel a bit of modest awkwardness when given a sincere compliment.

EB’s are to be avoided at all costs by both sexes for one simple reason: they will make your life a living hell. Their negativity will eventually infect you, permeating into your personaility and emitting through your pores like a virus or the smell of fried salmon, snatching your body, making you virtually unfriendable and undateable

If you suspect that you or someone close to you may be exhibiting any of these behaviors, please contact our 21-hour hotline at contact@verysmartbrothas.com.

***coming soon, part 2: “diva dudes….the relationship jabberwockys“***

—the champ

  • http://lizburr.com Liz

    Any man that’s actually worth fighting for wouldn’t even let you have to fight to win his affection

    SO TRUE! This is why it should be impossible for you to ever fight over a man.

    I love men who love Jill Scott.

    P.S. Love the hotline idea. Guess who’ll be manning the phones???

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      “Guess who’ll be manning the phones???’

      does her name start with an “l”?

  • Ana B

    I cant dispute any of your points. Let me sleep on it and see what I come up with…why is the hotline only open 21 hours? What if I need to refer someone the during the 4 hours that it’s closed?

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com panama

      Maybe I’m the slow one here, but umm…

      …21+4=25.

      Somebody just invented the leap-hour.

      • http://lizburr.com Liz

        I didn’t wanna say nuthin, but you’re the smart one here, so good job!

        • Ana B

          now y’all know that the last hour doesn’t really count, cause nobody wants to get stuck on the phone the last hour of work when they’re supposed to be getting ready to go home let’s keep it real. And my excuse was its been a long day, it was really late, I was really tired, math has never been my strong point,

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      “Let me sleep on it and see what I come up with”

      lol…i think she just really needed some sleep

      • Ana B

        *looking at you squinty eyed with a sneer*

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

          *looking at you squinty eyed with a sneer*

          this sounds painful.

          • Ana B

            EB style…lol

  • aja

    *waiting for pt.2.

    • http://www.sheliagoss.com/blog Shelia

      Me too AJA.

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

        part two is coming on the 12th.

  • Kitsune

    LMAO @ jaded Hispanics! Too funny…

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      i thought that had a better ring to it than “cynical alaskians”

    • http://kamakula.wordpress.com kamakula

      Sup kisune, didn’t know foxes roamed VSB.

  • http://www.5oh7.com Boom

    The Boom says you shouldn’t trust people who talk in the 3rd person.

    in addition to not having female friends at all, women that have a revolving cast of female friends are usually bad news too. shows they can maybe hook them, but can never reel ‘em in. It ain’t all the other fishes boo, it’s you.

    and y’all must be some very smart brothas indeed to have snuck in an extra hour a day.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com panama

      Ouch.

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

        ouch indeed.

  • Ms. Freckles

    Hmmm…good list thus far.

    The only one I think I may SLIGHTLY disagree with is the:
    “You’re not clinically depressed, and you don’t have eclectic teeth, but you never smile”.

    I’m not big on smiling “just because”. That doesn’t mean I’m evil or mad at the world, it just means I’m not walking around cheesing 24/7. Don’t get me wrong, when something is funny or I’m out with friends having a good ol’ time, I have no problem cracking the biggest smile and laugh around town…but I don’t usually smile “just because”. I’ve heard some people say I look mad at the world…but my angry look is very obvious & way different from my “just not smiling” look. A lot of the times, I’m just in deep thought about something and really not thinking about what my face is showing others at that moment. Especially if I’m not engaging in conversation with them and just casually doing my own thing.

    • Monnie

      Co-signing to the fullest!

      Although I tend to walk around smiling for no damn reason (as some people would say) and I am one of the few grown women that blushes (I get called out for this too often), these actions are not an everyday/all day occurances. Sometime you just don’t feel like smiling.

      Like Ms. Freckles said, “. A lot of the times, I’m just in deep thought about something and really not thinking about what my face is showing others at that moment.”

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com panama

      Only in America and quite possibly Venezuela do so many woman actually complain about men liking women that smile.

      It’s a fact. Any time men say they like women who smile, a gang of chicks rivaled in size only by the Crips and the population of Taiwan will come out of the woodwork and defend not smiling like we’re asking for appendages.

      And y’all ain’t in that deep a thought that often, you just don’t smile. Sometimes it’s that simple.

      I’ll actually take this a step further. It’s not just never smiling (though I do think that women who never smile should be out siphoning oil with their mouths to help bring gas prices down), its the fact that heffas who never smile also tend to have shitty dispositions that make us not want to be around them.

      There is no such thing as a hot chick who never smiles.

      • 2Degreez

        I have to agree. I think it’s reached a point where men are surprised when you smile at that them. Men have actually said “thank you” as a response to my smile.

        But men have to understand that it’s not always safe to go around looking all friendly and approachable. For example, on the A train in parts of Washington Heights or the 2 in parts of Bed-Stuy. You might get followed home.

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com panama

          Thing is, you can get followed around even if you don’t smile. Granted, you shouldn’t go inviting the insanity into your living room, but I doubt that JUST a smile is going to cause some cat to think, “you know what? I should follow this smiling chick home, slice her up into skittles, then eat her.”

          I think the main bullet point is that you should both have the ability to smile and actually execute the smile sometimes. There are heffas who never do. And they should eat rocks.

          • 2Degreez

            Eat rocks??? LOL!! That would ultimately lead to eclectic teeth which would give those heffas a valid reason for not smiling. ;)

          • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

            yeah…again, i’m not saying you hafta walk around all day like stepin fetchit, but an occasional smile does make a huge difference

            • The Queen

              lol a woman who walked around like stepin fetchit would be creepy.

            • Ana B

              not to mention one eatin’ rocks. what the hell?

          • http://insidethemindofadeviant.wordpress.com Deviant

            “Skittles”, P?

            lmao… “taste the rainbow”…

            • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama

              Yes skittles…and not those chocolate monstrosities either!

      • Treezy F. Baby

        I have also noticed this in my observations especially in the Chi…I mean, men here will actually request for you to smile since they haven’t seen one since Shanice was a one-hit wonder. In fact, I used to be one of those girls that never smiled because I thought it would keep someone from making skittles mince meat out of me also. But I have learned that smiling has made my stocks go way up and with so little risk on the investment! Therefore, I wish to give a shout-out to all the females out there (Hey to Shaneka the drive thru cashier at White Castle!) that have fed the demand for this now rare commodity.

        :::passes Go and collects her dividends:::

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

          good job!!!!

      • http://goodeness.blogspot.com GOODENess

        I always tell my birds…there is something SUCCUBUS-esque about a woman with no sister/friends…and why wouldn’t you smile…you’re young, gifted and Black…you can be in deep thought during that “leap hour” Ana was typing about…I SMILE ALL THE TIME! having a pleasant countenance is an asset…I LOVE MY SMILE and it makes me happy to smile at someone who isn’t, and they smile just because it’s contagious…I know I am not an EB…but I am related to one…I’m SO glad it’s not genetic…ABCDE is my best friend and you know when we get together cause it’s all smiling, blushing, and laughing to the point of tears! so to all the EB’s that are replying to this blog under the misguided impression that you are NOT an EB…I have set aside $5 on PayPal for my “Coke and a Smile” program…and for every eb that we convert, I will donate $0.05 to the “Jaded Hispanics Outreach Project”…

      • MsChastity

        AMEN..TO THAT

        • MsChastity

          2years to be exact..don’t judge me..I’m new to site!!

  • http://myspace.com/thomasforbes Monk

    Pretty darn accurate list here.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      thank you, monk.

  • http://thebeautifulstruggler.blogspot.com Sister Toldja

    Yup, nothing here I can argue with! But I will the co-sign the co-sign about why I am often found with a blank expression, especially when I am alone in the streets. Sometimes, I am just thinking really hard. And my pet peeve is guys who say “Why you look so mad, ma?”

    While a decent guy can get away with saying this and not getting snapped on (and a cute guy can get more than just ‘away’ with it), it’s always Pookie or Roscoe Lee talking about “Why you ain’t smiiiiling fo’?”, in which instances I may launch in to a “You don’t know what the fuck might be on my mind right now!” tirade.

    Hint for the menfolk: if you want to make a woman smile, try something more creative than “Why aren’t you smiling?” Have you ever made someone come by saying “I wish you would have an orgasm”? Exactly.

    • Ms. Freckles

      LMAO @ Sister Toldja’s comment

      I co-sign the:

      “Hint for the menfolk: if you want to make a woman smile, try something more creative than “Why aren’t you smiling?” Have you ever made someone come by saying “I wish you would have an orgasm”? Exactly.”

      Too funny!

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com panama

      ‘Have you ever made someone come by saying “I wish you would have an orgasm”? Exactly.’

      No, but I’m sure it’d make her laugh. Perhaps at me and not with me.

      But the precursor to the laugh is the smile.

      Mission accomplished.

      • http://thebeautifulstruggler.blogspot.com Sister Toldja

        Now Panama is got Leroy’nem thinking they can walk down the street telling women “I want you to have an orgazim babay!”

        VSB-fucking brothers up in the game since 1981.

        • Ms. Freckles

          ROTFLMAO!

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      “especially when I am alone in the streets. Sometimes, I am just thinking really hard”

      i’m just mad that (according to you) you consistently wander the streets alone in deep thought. that just seems kind of creepy.

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com panama

        Besides, I think jay-z said it best:

        “we don’t believe you, you need more people…”

        • http://thebeautifulstruggler.blogspot.com Sister Toldja

          GRRR!!!! What is this, y’all tag teaming me?

          Sometimes, I am thinking about what to wear to the bar, or how the devils are attacking Jermiah Wright, or how did the second verse on “Nickle Bags” start, or what is today’s date or what should I have for dinner or what do I want to be when I grow up or who was, in fact, better: Al B. Sure or Christopher Williams or what is the title of my book gonna be or “Is this your real phone number? Is you gonna call like you saaaaid you was?”* or how much it cost me to fill my tank or sex. It is often sex and/or a combination of all of these things.

          There you go, tag team. Whoomp, there it is.

          Oh, and Panama Debarge, I BETS not see your tail in DC this weekend, cause you have been coming at me on the sly as of late….

          *I don’t like you if you don’t get that.

          • http://verysmartbrothas.com panama

            Buh-ring it.

            Hmm…does any of that count as deep thought? Or just thought?

            And I ain’t been gettin’ at you on the sly. I’m straight no chaser, dun dun.

            Shit, I even ride around in something so foolish just to let you know I’m gully.

            • http://thebeautifulstruggler.blogspot.com Sister Toldja

              I HATE YOU SO MUCH RIGHT NOW!

              Now, Champ (b/c I am not speaking to old whatshisname anymore), question for you. What is your default “in the streets” face? I’m not saying I am scowling extra hard, but I don’t usually smile unless I am making eye contact with someone. Let me find out y’all are walking around DC looking like Mantan. By the way, I know that Panama does NOT look that friendly. I seent him.

          • http://verysmartbrothas.com panama

            @Sister Toldja -

            Exsqueeze me?? I do look friendly at all times. Girl Scouts ask me for candy. Little children walk up to me in the streets and ask me to read them stories about the fabled life of Aesop.

            Flowers lean in my direction when I walk by. That’s how friendly I am.

            I’m so friendly, Friendly’s asked my permission to use the term as their brand as not to ruin the goodwill I’d started.

            Take that. Take that.

            • Jess

              Look, don’t forget. The same rules don’t apply in NY. She’s repping BK right now. You can’t just go smiling all willy nilly around here. god forbid you’re pretty and smiling, you’re gonna look up and in a minute someone will be jerking off on you.

            • http://thebeautifulstruggler.blogspot.com Sister Toldja

              THANK YOU, Jess! It’s real in these streets! I am a certified Crooklyn Dodger now, I can’t look like no herb, son. Wordlife, God.

              DC was the same case. I looked too friendly once and someone told me “You look like you not from around here”. AND I had on Siobiotos and Nike boots and slouch socks at that very moment. Also, the last part is a lie.

              Panama “Centipede” Jackson, I am greasing my face with Vaseline in sheer anticipation of hunting you down buddy.

            • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama

              @Sister Toldja – I ain’t scared of you. You know where I be. Word.Life.

              I run these streets.

              And granted I understand that NY is a different animal in and of itself, however, I seriously doubt your running around looking like you’ll merk any sucka that steps to you wrong. Which means that you’re just in your strong-face deep thought mode which is supposed to ward off the crazies into thinking that talking to you might result in a triple whammy when in reality, you’re just thinking about bloomers…not stopping some cat from following you home.

              It takes more muscles to frown than it does to smile. Some of y’alls mouths look like y’all lift lips professionally.

            • Ana B

              P- since you all Mr. Hospitality today, me and my girlfriends looking to hang out in your neck of the woods this weekend, Anywhere between Bmore and DC. Drinks and live music, more classy than trashy. What do you know?

            • http://www.verysmartbrothas.com panama

              @Ana B: what kind of live music? We talking jazz or r&b or what…

              http://www.fusicology.com has lists of all that stuff…

            • Ana B

              @ P either jazz or R&B, Looking for a sat evening (after 10) spot with GOOD drinks and music

            • http://www.verysmartbrothas.com Panamanian Devil

              @Ana B:

              Well in DC might I recommend live jazz at Bohemian Caverns. they make real good drinks too (from what I hear).

              http://www.bohemiancaverns.com

              Could be a good time for you and yours…

            • http://goodeness.blogspot.com GOODENess

              @ Panama…”Little children walk up to me in the streets and ask me to read them stories about the fabled life of Aesop.” WOW…DOPE-NESS…when you was a “killer” in “apparel” yestiddy! riiiiiiiiight!

              @Sister Toldja – I hear ya mama! “And it’s good to be here…when we landed up on lex,
              stirrin up the ground with the sound of Doug E Fresh…” and you killing me talking bout PANAMA-BARGE lookin like MANTAN…stop it girl you gonna get me FIRED!

          • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

            “What is your default “in the streets” face? I’m not saying I am scowling extra hard, but I don’t usually smile unless I am making eye contact with someone. Let me find out y’all are walking around DC looking like Mantan”

            being that i live in pittsburgh, it would be quite strange for me to be walking around dc daily with a christmas cheese on my face.

            with that being said, i’ve been told that my default face is somewhat “british”, and I look like i’m always thinking “it’s really not that serious”.

            i have strange friends

            • http://thebeautifulstruggler.blogspot.com Sister Toldja

              If a fella who looks remotely nice or handsome locks eyes with me, there is a guaranteed smile in the deal. There may even be a bashful eye lowering (complete with fluttering lashes) and a bit of blushing (as much as someone as chocolately as me can summon up).

              Please remember that if you see me at 5PM and think I am pretty, chances are four of our brothers have thought the same, three of them have been less gracious and one may have gone so far as to holler “bitch, you ain’t that cute ANYWAY” upon being rejected. All that to say, sisters may need you Very Smart Brothas to be a little extra friendly to compensate for all the ugliness we are gonna face from other brothers.

              Panama-what is cracking in the Urrea this Friday and Sat? I want to go do hoodrat stuff with my friends.

            • Ana B

              you attract what you are

            • http://thebeautifulstruggler.blogspot.com Sister Toldja

              Great Ana. So I now have confirmation that I am, in fact, a human being. Because I attract brown, yellow, Puerto Rican and Hatian. Male, female, short, tall, skinny, fat. Educated, crackheaduacated.

            • http://verysmartbrothas.com panama

              @Sister Toldja – I have no clue whats going on special this weekend. Feels like another random weekend. Of course for Hoodrat Games, I suggest Fuego out in Hyattsville. Their fliers suggest some of the raunchiest fun you could ever have.

              On Wednesday nights they have “Amatuer Exotic Dancer Night” where you can win prizes. I think you have to bring your own bottles of Lysol and Febreeze and a rag.

            • Ana B

              Sister Toldja that was for the champ…I guess I shoulda been more specific in my post.

            • http://thebeautifulstruggler.blogspot.com Sister Toldja

              Ah, okay Ana, LOL. I thought you were raring for that arguement of “only jacked up girls meet jacked up dudes”. I was like, aw hell naw, what did I do to offend her?

              On that note, I retract my last staement and add: hahahaha, she called you weird, bwaahahaa!

              Panama- Uh, hell. No. I do not do the Ville anymore, unless I stop at PG. What is a Fuego? If I am going to see bulletwounded titties, I’d just go to the House on Georgia Ave….damn I miss DC!

            • http://www.verysmartbrothas.com panama

              @Sister Toldja – I mean you have your standard Friday night events. Bohemian Caverns has a weekly grown-n-sexxy joint in their restaurant called The Luv Lounge. Definitely for the reading crowd. Old school-hip-hop, etc. Good party in general and its $Free.99.

              Though, you went to school here you should know all the hot spots!

            • http://thebeautifulstruggler.blogspot.com Sister Toldja

              I DID know all the spots. And then I moved away a year ago, 1 billion white people came in and took my place and now I don’t know which way is up in DC.

            • Jess

              “british” + “it’s not that serious” = your chin is tilted up and your eyebrows are always slightly raised. True?

  • Suga&Spice

    Great list!!My additions would be

    1. A woman who never has anything positive to say about any of her ex’s. I am not saying to sing there praises constantly, but damn there must have been something good about him cause you decided to be with him and have regular (and hopefully innovative) sex with the guy. Unless you judgement is just that off you constatly pick out and decided to spend months screwing jackasses. In which case the issue really isnt the guy now is it?

    2. A woman who is never accountable for anything she does. Everything is always someone else fault. My blood rises one degree each time I hear a woman use the phrase ‘Yeah that was messed up, but it wasnt my fault because….’ I despise hearing this statement. I just want to scream, “You fucked up, own it, deal with it and get the fuck over it. This shit just pisses me off

    3. Women who regularly allow minor shit to ruin their day. Pick your battles in life. Every little thing is not always going to go your way. That is why the invented Plan B! Employ one and use it as necessary.

    • http://k-unwrapped.blogspot.com K.

      Great additions.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      “3. Women who regularly allow minor shit to ruin their day. Pick your battles in life. Every little thing is not always going to go your way. That is why the invented Plan B! Employ one and use it as necessary.”

      this definitely needs to be on the list

    • Treezy F. Baby

      Great adds. Would these still be EBs though?

      • Suga&Spice

        Definately all signs of EBs!

  • http://lizburr.com Liz

    I understand where some of you all are coming from about the no smiling bit. I’m the same way in that my neutral face isn’t usually a smile, and that’s ok. My face still lights up when I do smile, and I know how to have a good laugh, at any moment. I think that leaving yourself open and free to smile and light up is just as acceptable. Some chicks never break their game face for a smile.

    Besides who wants to go around looking like The Joker all day anyway??