Uncategorized

Eastside of Long Beach

I’ll never understand for the life of me why two people who are dating will give one another the passwords to their personal email or voicemail accounts. There’s no way in high Hell that I’d ever give up that information. I really don’t see a reason or a need for a significant other to have it. Everybody is entitled to some semblance of privacy in a relationship and chances are that email and cell phones are the last bastions of privacy for both parties involved.

Now it can be said that if you have nothing to hide then it shouldn’t matter. And you’re right. Except you’re not. Just because you have nothing to hide doesn’t mean you should share everything. But of course, not everybody is as smart as I am and many people get duped into giving up their personal information under the guise of full disclosure. Which brings up two questions:

1) If you have your significant other’s password, does that give you freedom to peruse their accounts?
2) Say they didn’t give it to you, but you have it, if you find something that causes you discomfort, are you allowed to bring it up?

Oy vey. Can of worms? Consider yourself opened.

Somehow, in my brain of brains, I don’t think having passwords gives you the freedom to search as you please. But I also realize that temptation is a mother and if a relationship is having issues, the urge to surf thru email to potentially find a culprit is hard to fend off.

(Which is of course why I’d never give up my passwords. Why give somebody the keys to a car you don’t want them to drive? It’s like Halle Berry standing in your living room dripping wet with a condom in one hand and a bottle of Patron in the other with a sign around her neck that says “Don’t touch or I’ll disappear” – that just sucks all the way around.)

However, I think that if you do search through email, then you reserve the right to shut the fuck up about whatever you find and you should deal with it on your own. For one, you have no business going through emails. In the second place, you have no right to question somebody about some shit you found while you were doing something you shouldn’t have been doing in the first place. And I’m an evil enough bastard that I would hope you’d come across something that would drive you apeshit — so apeshit, in fact, that you’d have to bring it to me and hang yourself.

For me, once I’ve lost trust, you might as well just go on ahead and walk it out like an usher because I probably don’t want to see you again.

Babyface asked when could he see you again. Me? Give me the keys to the range and don’t forget to move, bitch. Get out the way.

I’m genuinely interested in responses to those two questions. I tend to think that women are more likely to go through their man’s shit than a man is to go through a woman’s…however, I know both men and women who’ve done both.

To snoop or not to snoop? That is the question.

–PANAMA JACKSON

Filed Under: , ,
Panama Jackson

Panama Jackson is pretty fly for a light guy. He used to ship his frito to Tito in the District, but shipping prices increased so he moved there to save money. When he's not saving humanity with his words or making music with his mouth, you can find him at your mama's mama's house drinking her fine liquors. Most importantly, he believes the children are our future.

  • Miss Patterson

    Take my advice DON’T do it. I did this once many many moons ago and let’s just say…he was f*cking somebody else. I think someone commented a while back (maybe Liz? or Treezy?) about their spidey sense giving way to legitimate jealousy…and it’s true. A few years ago my ‘pseudo-lover’ forgot to sign out of his email account and when i went to go check mine it was still logged in to his username. Let’s just say that I saw a familiar sender (an ex) and yeh I read it. She was apparently thanking him for the orgasms he gave her on her birthday the previous month. damn. I decided not to even confront him about it. Instead, I just broke it off. I told him I didn’t trust him. I didn’t even bring that sh*t up as the reason, because(and on some level I agree with Panama) I shouldn’t have looked at his email anyway. I feel this situation is an exception because he was not the kind of guy who would have brought me Cambodian breast milk…he was the kind of guy who wanted me to date him exclusively on the down-low without any of the emotional commitments of a real relationship.

    Truth is I’ve never done this with any of my ‘REAL’ boyfriends…because the spidey sense was never activated. Ya feel me?
    Bottom line: don’t snoop, instead just trust your instincts. Chances are if you are really that distrustful of him, there’s a reason behind it. Stop lying to yourself and move on…

    • Kitsune

      But if he was your ‘pseudo-lover’, you guys weren’t committed to each exclusively anyway right? He wasn’t a ‘real’ boyfriend? I think these loose/non-exclusive kind of relationships can add an element of insecurity into the mix.

      • Miss Patterson

        Actually, I say pseudo because he liked me enough to exchange the “L” word but we never went out publicly, held hands or told anyone that we were involved. He even went so far as to initiate the monogamy talk with me. It was a very strange “arrangement” and reflected poorly on my self-worth, self-esteem and overall maturity at that time in my life. You’re absolutely right one should not be romantically involved in the grey zone…either you are f*ck buddies or he’s your man. It’s just that simple.

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

          “either you are f*ck buddies or he’s your man”

          another t-shirt

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

          “either you are f*ck buddies or he’s your man”

          another t-shirt

        • Treezy F. Baby

          I have a feeling that a lot us are always wondering if the knowledge Panama and The Champ drop on us even applies because of the abundance of our experiences having stemmed from these kinds of pseudo-ships. I know I’m guilty…in fact I don’t think I’ve ever been in a “real” relationship…I don’t even know what that is? Maybe that’s a whole ‘nother post.

          • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

            “I don’t even know what that is? Maybe that’s a whole ‘nother post.”

            it is

          • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

            “I don’t even know what that is? Maybe that’s a whole ‘nother post.”

            it is

        • Treezy F. Baby

          I have a feeling that a lot us are always wondering if the knowledge Panama and The Champ drop on us even applies because of the abundance of our experiences having stemmed from these kinds of pseudo-ships. I know I’m guilty…in fact I don’t think I’ve ever been in a “real” relationship…I don’t even know what that is? Maybe that’s a whole ‘nother post.

        • Kitsune

          Gotcha Miss Patterson. ;)

        • Kitsune

          Gotcha Miss Patterson. ;)

      • Miss Patterson

        Actually, I say pseudo because he liked me enough to exchange the “L” word but we never went out publicly, held hands or told anyone that we were involved. He even went so far as to initiate the monogamy talk with me. It was a very strange “arrangement” and reflected poorly on my self-worth, self-esteem and overall maturity at that time in my life. You’re absolutely right one should not be romantically involved in the grey zone…either you are f*ck buddies or he’s your man. It’s just that simple.

    • Kitsune

      But if he was your ‘pseudo-lover’, you guys weren’t committed to each exclusively anyway right? He wasn’t a ‘real’ boyfriend? I think these loose/non-exclusive kind of relationships can add an element of insecurity into the mix.

  • Miss Patterson

    Take my advice DON’T do it. I did this once many many moons ago and let’s just say…he was f*cking somebody else. I think someone commented a while back (maybe Liz? or Treezy?) about their spidey sense giving way to legitimate jealousy…and it’s true. A few years ago my ‘pseudo-lover’ forgot to sign out of his email account and when i went to go check mine it was still logged in to his username. Let’s just say that I saw a familiar sender (an ex) and yeh I read it. She was apparently thanking him for the orgasms he gave her on her birthday the previous month. damn. I decided not to even confront him about it. Instead, I just broke it off. I told him I didn’t trust him. I didn’t even bring that sh*t up as the reason, because(and on some level I agree with Panama) I shouldn’t have looked at his email anyway. I feel this situation is an exception because he was not the kind of guy who would have brought me Cambodian breast milk…he was the kind of guy who wanted me to date him exclusively on the down-low without any of the emotional commitments of a real relationship.

    Truth is I’ve never done this with any of my ‘REAL’ boyfriends…because the spidey sense was never activated. Ya feel me?
    Bottom line: don’t snoop, instead just trust your instincts. Chances are if you are really that distrustful of him, there’s a reason behind it. Stop lying to yourself and move on…

  • http://bourgieadventures.wordpress.com ndenise

    Men seem to find this hard to believe but, I have never snooped. I value my own privacy too much. Just the thought of someone going through my emails or my phone or whatever just turns me the hell off. So I can’t do the same to my man. That being said, I certainly am not giving up my passwords. FOR WHAT?

    I can’t say it enough, if you’re at the point where you feel like must snoop, it’s already a problem.
    I can’t live that way. I ain’t no damn private eye.

    • panamajackson

      I had an ex a long time ago who was seriously peeved that I refused to come off my passwords. For her, she felt like if I trusted her and I had nothing to hide, whats the big deal?

      Dumb thing is, she didn’t feel the need to come off of hers since I told her I didn’t want them.

      By the way she never got my passwords and got busted trying to go thru my phone.

      Shipped.Out.

      • http://myspace.com/thomasforbes Monk

        Hopefully with one paddle.

      • http://myspace.com/thomasforbes Monk

        Hopefully with one paddle.

    • panamajackson

      I had an ex a long time ago who was seriously peeved that I refused to come off my passwords. For her, she felt like if I trusted her and I had nothing to hide, whats the big deal?

      Dumb thing is, she didn’t feel the need to come off of hers since I told her I didn’t want them.

      By the way she never got my passwords and got busted trying to go thru my phone.

      Shipped.Out.

  • http://bourgieadventures.wordpress.com ndenise

    Men seem to find this hard to believe but, I have never snooped. I value my own privacy too much. Just the thought of someone going through my emails or my phone or whatever just turns me the hell off. So I can’t do the same to my man. That being said, I certainly am not giving up my passwords. FOR WHAT?

    I can’t say it enough, if you’re at the point where you feel like must snoop, it’s already a problem.
    I can’t live that way. I ain’t no damn private eye.

  • http://kamakula.wordpress.com kamakula

    I typically don’t use email for private conversation. I either have it face to face or over the phone. So, my ex got the password to my account because there were times I’d be somewhere without access to a computer or internet (like driving to a job interview or going to some conference or event someplace I’d never been before) and I needed information that was in my email account.

    I got hers a bit later, but I never snooped. Only went in when asked to retrieve some piece of information for her when she was in a similar situation.

    I think the temptation to snoop largely depends on how we use the medium. Since she uses email and IM for personal/private communications, it’s natural to assume I would as well. Since I didn’t, there was no temptation on my part, because it just didn’t occur to me that there would be anything to see.

    And I possess the ability to ignore things that I don’t need to see or remove any interest in knowing something. This is useful for when someone has info they want to keep from you, because then in the face of my complete disinterest, they end up telling me since I took the fun away from having a secret.

    Anyway I can’t really say whether it’s a good thing or bad thing. My ex was a very. . . possessive . . person and I’m a very friendly/flirty person w/ my female friends, regardless of whether I have any interest. So, IM conversations that were logged ended up causing problems for me.

    Do I wish she never looked at them? Yeah. However, I can’t say that one (bad) result justifies not sharing that information given the amount of trust there was between us. (Too much now that I look back, but still, at the time, it made sense).

    I don’t think boundaries are hard to set up or hard not to cross. When we started dating, we both had diaries that we’d kept prior to and for a few months after we’d started. While we both knew of each others, we’d decided that we didn’t want the other person to read it. So despite having numerous opportunities to violate this trust without fear of being caught, it never happened.

    In a good relationship, I don’t think this issue is ever really a problem.

    • panamajackson

      “So despite having numerous opportunities to violate this trust without fear of being caught, it never happened.”

      Do you know it never happened or do you assume it never happened?

      • http://insidethemindofadeviant.com Deviant

        If a tree falls in the woods…?

      • http://insidethemindofadeviant.com Deviant

        If a tree falls in the woods…?

      • http://kamakula.wordpress.com kamakula

        I am 99% sure it never happened. Based on her personality and argument tactics at the time and a few other things, it would have come up at some point if she did.

      • http://kamakula.wordpress.com kamakula

        I am 99% sure it never happened. Based on her personality and argument tactics at the time and a few other things, it would have come up at some point if she did.

    • panamajackson

      “So despite having numerous opportunities to violate this trust without fear of being caught, it never happened.”

      Do you know it never happened or do you assume it never happened?

  • http://kamakula.wordpress.com kamakula

    I typically don’t use email for private conversation. I either have it face to face or over the phone. So, my ex got the password to my account because there were times I’d be somewhere without access to a computer or internet (like driving to a job interview or going to some conference or event someplace I’d never been before) and I needed information that was in my email account.

    I got hers a bit later, but I never snooped. Only went in when asked to retrieve some piece of information for her when she was in a similar situation.

    I think the temptation to snoop largely depends on how we use the medium. Since she uses email and IM for personal/private communications, it’s natural to assume I would as well. Since I didn’t, there was no temptation on my part, because it just didn’t occur to me that there would be anything to see.

    And I possess the ability to ignore things that I don’t need to see or remove any interest in knowing something. This is useful for when someone has info they want to keep from you, because then in the face of my complete disinterest, they end up telling me since I took the fun away from having a secret.

    Anyway I can’t really say whether it’s a good thing or bad thing. My ex was a very. . . possessive . . person and I’m a very friendly/flirty person w/ my female friends, regardless of whether I have any interest. So, IM conversations that were logged ended up causing problems for me.

    Do I wish she never looked at them? Yeah. However, I can’t say that one (bad) result justifies not sharing that information given the amount of trust there was between us. (Too much now that I look back, but still, at the time, it made sense).

    I don’t think boundaries are hard to set up or hard not to cross. When we started dating, we both had diaries that we’d kept prior to and for a few months after we’d started. While we both knew of each others, we’d decided that we didn’t want the other person to read it. So despite having numerous opportunities to violate this trust without fear of being caught, it never happened.

    In a good relationship, I don’t think this issue is ever really a problem.

  • http://lizburr.com Liz

    1) If they GAVE me the account info, then yes I have freedom to do what I please. But I think it’s my responsibility to use it discreetly. I think it can be useful if you’re away from a computer and need me to look something up for you right quick.

    2) No you can’t use it against them unless you confess what you did to get the password. Me? In a former life I have snooped in e-mail accounts left logged in, and even hacked into a few others. I confessed what I did when necessary, but it was all futile in the end.

    This kind of stuff is only good if you’re one of them broads who NEEDS to see proof of everything. These days if I ever feel like I need proof, that IS my proof to fall back. I shouldn’t be in a situation where I feel like I need to snoop or need to read every piece of communication to be close to and trust my man.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      “If they GAVE me the account info, then yes I have freedom to do what I please.”

      i’m sorry lizzzzzzzzzz, but i don’t agree with this. i mean, if i gave someone my house keys, that doesn’t mean that they have free will to hibernate in my kitchen for 2 weeks straight or paint my walls. typically, when personal info is shared, it’s to be used for emergencies only.

      • http://lizburr.com Liz

        All I am sayin is, don’t be surprised to find me all up in your kitchen if you gave me your keys. Yes it is my responsibility to use it only when neccessary, like emergencies……..but just don’t act extra appalled to find me there on another occasion lol.If it’s an issue for you, then don’t give me the keys, end of story.

        • D*stroy

          I aint mad at ya, Liz…but FYI–you’re not even gonna get keys to my mailbox, since you obviously don’t know how to act! LOL! ;-)

        • D*stroy

          I aint mad at ya, Liz…but FYI–you’re not even gonna get keys to my mailbox, since you obviously don’t know how to act! LOL! ;-)

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

          i don’t want you in my kitchen!!!

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

          i don’t want you in my kitchen!!!

        • panamajackson

          yeah see, its one thing to be all up in my kitchen if i know about it. but just randomly being all up in my kitchen is a problem if you have a kitchen of your own.

          in fact, i don’t even like it if you have a key and i know you’re coming over and you don’t knock and allow me to let you in. you have a key…so does my landlord and that motherfucker knocks and can put me AND you out. me? i can put you out.

          knock bitch.

          • D*Stroy aka D*Pain

            “knock bitch.”

            LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Just topped my list of funniest sh*t ever.

            • http://www.myspace.com/Elendak Elenda

              Now that should be on a freakin’ t-shirt. KNOCK BITCH… hell to the naw (word to Whitney)

            • http://www.myspace.com/Elendak Elenda

              Now that should be on a freakin’ t-shirt. KNOCK BITCH… hell to the naw (word to Whitney)

          • D*Stroy aka D*Pain

            “knock bitch.”

            LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Just topped my list of funniest sh*t ever.

          • Miss Patterson

            @ Panama… I’m with you, I don’t like surprise visits either. but “knock b*tch”…harsh but hilarious.

          • Miss Patterson

            @ Panama… I’m with you, I don’t like surprise visits either. but “knock b*tch”…harsh but hilarious.

          • Xquizzyt1

            I sooooooooooo agree with you on this. Knock. Unauthorized key usage is a red flag to me. I had an ex that found my spare key in the broom closet and used it to lock my apartment door one day when he slept a little later than gainfully employed me. And one day, he was on my living room couch when I got home. Red white and blue flag. That was only the beginning of the uncool things that were to follow. Sigh, if I only knew then what I know now.

            • Treezy F. Baby

              Dayum…I wanna hear some more… :::goes to get the popcorn:::

            • Treezy F. Baby

              Dayum…I wanna hear some more… :::goes to get the popcorn:::

            • Ana B

              Treezy, Im bringin raisenettes leave room for me on couch

            • Ana B

              Treezy, Im bringin raisenettes leave room for me on couch

          • Xquizzyt1

            I sooooooooooo agree with you on this. Knock. Unauthorized key usage is a red flag to me. I had an ex that found my spare key in the broom closet and used it to lock my apartment door one day when he slept a little later than gainfully employed me. And one day, he was on my living room couch when I got home. Red white and blue flag. That was only the beginning of the uncool things that were to follow. Sigh, if I only knew then what I know now.

          • http://www.thekillacal.com The Killa

            LMAO@”knock bitch”

            reminds me of Chappelle’s Show, “When Keeping it Real Goes Wrong” and Dave is wacking off on the toilet and his granny comes in and he’s like, “Granny no!!!!!!”

          • http://www.thekillacal.com The Killa

            LMAO@”knock bitch”

            reminds me of Chappelle’s Show, “When Keeping it Real Goes Wrong” and Dave is wacking off on the toilet and his granny comes in and he’s like, “Granny no!!!!!!”

          • http://myspace.com/thomasforbes Monk

            Co-Signature.

          • http://myspace.com/thomasforbes Monk

            Co-Signature.

          • http://lifeofaworkingmom.blogspot.com/ bballmom

            there is something very wrong with you!! LMAO

          • http://lifeofaworkingmom.blogspot.com/ bballmom

            there is something very wrong with you!! LMAO

        • panamajackson

          yeah see, its one thing to be all up in my kitchen if i know about it. but just randomly being all up in my kitchen is a problem if you have a kitchen of your own.

          in fact, i don’t even like it if you have a key and i know you’re coming over and you don’t knock and allow me to let you in. you have a key…so does my landlord and that motherfucker knocks and can put me AND you out. me? i can put you out.

          knock bitch.

      • http://lizburr.com Liz

        All I am sayin is, don’t be surprised to find me all up in your kitchen if you gave me your keys. Yes it is my responsibility to use it only when neccessary, like emergencies……..but just don’t act extra appalled to find me there on another occasion lol.If it’s an issue for you, then don’t give me the keys, end of story.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      “If they GAVE me the account info, then yes I have freedom to do what I please.”

      i’m sorry lizzzzzzzzzz, but i don’t agree with this. i mean, if i gave someone my house keys, that doesn’t mean that they have free will to hibernate in my kitchen for 2 weeks straight or paint my walls. typically, when personal info is shared, it’s to be used for emergencies only.

  • http://lizburr.com Liz

    1) If they GAVE me the account info, then yes I have freedom to do what I please. But I think it’s my responsibility to use it discreetly. I think it can be useful if you’re away from a computer and need me to look something up for you right quick.

    2) No you can’t use it against them unless you confess what you did to get the password. Me? In a former life I have snooped in e-mail accounts left logged in, and even hacked into a few others. I confessed what I did when necessary, but it was all futile in the end.

    This kind of stuff is only good if you’re one of them broads who NEEDS to see proof of everything. These days if I ever feel like I need proof, that IS my proof to fall back. I shouldn’t be in a situation where I feel like I need to snoop or need to read every piece of communication to be close to and trust my man.

  • Kitsune

    If you’re looking for something, pretty good chance you’ll find it. It’s never a good idea to invade someone’s space/privacy. Treat them the way you’d want to be treated with the same level of respect. Snooping is a sign of insecurity – either stemming from your own baggage or because of things that person has actually done. If you’re insecure as a result of your own experiences, you need to do some self reflection. Maybe take a break from the relationship thing until you’ve healed. If you’re snooping because of things your partner has done, might be a good time to have a chat. Let them know you’re feeling insecure and need some reassurance that whatever happened won’t happen again. Snooping is a slippery slope. Starts off going through a phone and before you know it, you’re hiding up a tree with binoculars outside his mama’s house. It’s sneaky and deceptive. Bottom line: If you can’t trust each other why are you still in the relationship?! And if you’re not committed to each other and you’re snooping you KNOW you have problems!

    • Miss Patterson

      “If you’re insecure as a result of your own experiences, you need to do some self reflection. Maybe take a break from the relationship thing until you’ve healed.” –I agree whole-heartedly. After that whole ordeal it was imperative that I take a break from relationships…and I did. For two years. Self-reflection is very powerful thing.

    • Miss Patterson

      “If you’re insecure as a result of your own experiences, you need to do some self reflection. Maybe take a break from the relationship thing until you’ve healed.” –I agree whole-heartedly. After that whole ordeal it was imperative that I take a break from relationships…and I did. For two years. Self-reflection is very powerful thing.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      “you’re hiding up a tree with binoculars outside his mama’s house.”

      lol…why at his mama’s house though? what’s momma got to do with it?

      • Kitsune

        Checking if he’s really there I guess? Like, “he said he’s at his mama’s house…yeah right.” LOL! Just sounded like a rock-bottom scenario. :)

      • Kitsune

        Checking if he’s really there I guess? Like, “he said he’s at his mama’s house…yeah right.” LOL! Just sounded like a rock-bottom scenario. :)

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      “you’re hiding up a tree with binoculars outside his mama’s house.”

      lol…why at his mama’s house though? what’s momma got to do with it?

  • Kitsune

    If you’re looking for something, pretty good chance you’ll find it. It’s never a good idea to invade someone’s space/privacy. Treat them the way you’d want to be treated with the same level of respect. Snooping is a sign of insecurity – either stemming from your own baggage or because of things that person has actually done. If you’re insecure as a result of your own experiences, you need to do some self reflection. Maybe take a break from the relationship thing until you’ve healed. If you’re snooping because of things your partner has done, might be a good time to have a chat. Let them know you’re feeling insecure and need some reassurance that whatever happened won’t happen again. Snooping is a slippery slope. Starts off going through a phone and before you know it, you’re hiding up a tree with binoculars outside his mama’s house. It’s sneaky and deceptive. Bottom line: If you can’t trust each other why are you still in the relationship?! And if you’re not committed to each other and you’re snooping you KNOW you have problems!

More Like This