Easter Sunday is Basically the Beyoncé of Sundays So Be Prepared » VSB

Featured, Lists, Pop Culture, Uncategorized

Easter Sunday is Basically the Beyoncé of Sundays So Be Prepared

Parishioners sing during Easter service in Harlem at Mount Olivet Baptist Church on April 8, 2007, in New York City. (Mario Tama/Getty Images)

 

Any self-respecting churchgoer knows Easter Sunday is basically the Beyoncé of Sundays. Ushers in formation, hats on hats on hats, and Church Mothers wishing a nigga would sit in their pew; it’s a big deal, and rightfully so. Jesus was dead, chilled for a second, said hell nah, Xmen’d a stone, waved bye to his haters and rose again sans any CGI effects. Who does that? Well, besides Morgan Freeman, who at this moment is the true and living God.

Considering the aforementioned, coupled with Black people’s innate ability to be extra as ish, it’s only right that we celebrate Jesus’ ultimate Whodini move with praise in the form of bedazzled, dry-heaving preachers and little girls shrouded in more ruffles than Prince’s closet.

So for all you believers, saved and unsaved, who will venture into the House of the Lordt this coming Sunday morn, here are a few things to keep in mind during worship service. (Friendly reminder No. 1: The building fund is a pyramid scheme dipped in communion juice and loose change. Remember last Easter when you tithed an extra $10 to contribute to a new refrigerator for the Mother Ruth Jenkins Fellowship Hall? Well the fridge is still in layaway and Mother Ruth is actually a code name for the First Lady’s prayer cloth collection).

The First Lady will stunt.

This is her sanctuary and she did not come to play with you hoes. Any First Lady worth her fascinator knows this is the day the Lord has made to do the entire most. Don’t not acknowledge her fabulousness, don’t try to restrain her praise (because she will stand for the majority of the service simply to notice you noticing her), and don’t you dare sit in her pew. But for real, don’t even think about the sheer awesomeness of sitting in her pew. Stanning over this coveted seat, and heaven forbid you have the audacity to actually sit your self down in her spot, is basically the equivalent of telling a Black mother what you’re not finna’ do and thinking you’ll live to tell the story. Bottom line, there’s just some things you don’t do.

Despite what it looks like, Steve Harvey is not in attendance.

Considering the droves of comforter/sheet-set inspired, six button suits in the sanctuary, it’s easy to think otherwise but don’t let the lingering breeze left by deacon’s pants fool you. This is prime operating time for that one guy who sells suits in the parking lot of the barbershop and please believe your Uncle Titus is not his only client. Then there are the colors. From ROY to BIV, no pantone is left unbothered. There’s Skittles Green, Grape Jelly Belly Purple, Laffy Taffy Blue and my lifelong favorite, Peach Faygo Pink.

 The choir is going to do the absolute most.

If your choir doesn’t hit the Dougie, Bankhead Bounce, Cupid Shuffle and stick a double pike half twist, all on the downbeat, they didn’t try. The step and sway is cute for a first Sunday, but this is when it’s perfectly normal and universally expected for the senior choir to Milly Rock down the aisle during the processional. Also know that the choir is going to sing any and every hymnal containing the word “blood,” and will likely put the sexually ambiguous members of the tenor section front and center due to their unique ability to shout on cue.

Lastly, beware of that one praise and worship leader you can’t stand who swears she’s the second coming of gospel Beyoncé. You see, she will actually be over the music ministry for the day and because of that, has intentionally paired her pink tutu with mid top Converse and her favorite Eleven60 work blazer. You’ve been warned.

The dance team will do the most as well. Actually they’ll have no chill at all.

I have a theory. There’s nothing more extra than a saved Black person. I initially thought Rachel Dolezal’s commitment to rocking Senegalese Twists would take top honors until I saw a spiritual dance team perform an interpretative dance to the chopped and screwed version of “The Blood Will Never Lose Its Power.”

The Easter Bunny ain’t s**t.

Eff the Easter Bunny and everything he stands for. Jesus is Lord so why are you worried about Peeps? So what if Peter Cottontail shoots out chocolate flavored yoni eggs once a year, the preacher will not be here for it. Jesus is the reason for the season therefore you don’t have time to concern yourself with worldy things such as Easter egg hunts. If by chance you do get your hands on an Easter basket, particularly if you’re old enough to know you’re too old to have one, congratulations, you’ve just uncovered the world’s best and worst hospitality ministry.

Don’t try the ushers.

Let them be great today. Ushers are basically the air traffic controllers of the sanctuary and they deserve respect, or at minimum the common courtesy of you only taking one program (you know good and well the church clerk snuck and printed them at her job before service, so taking anything more than the allotted one per member is just heartless). Yes Sister Jackie forgot her white and black attire and is now ushering in an eggshell colored blouse, white tights that puddle at her ankles and orthopedic slip-ons, but that’s none of your business. Stand when told, sit where instructed and don’t start nothing and there won’t be nothing.

 Make room for the Holy Ghost.

…but like, a lot of room, especially when the Holy Ghost hits the runners. Let’s actually take a break here for one second. No shade to anyone’s praise, however, if you know your worship of God tends to reveal itself in the form of an ode to Usain Bolt, please sit in an exit row. These runners take people out and I for one am not risking a head-on collision on my way to the water fountain all because your auntie won $200 at the casino and now has a praise on the inside. But I digress.

Back to the Holy Ghost. I’ve always held firm to the belief that the most powerful member of any Black church is the keyboard player. Why? Because no other human being possesses the ability to single-handedly usher in the spirit of God like a church musician. With a flick of the wrist these men and women make a mundane service lit AF. Get ready because when the beat drops (oh and it will), folks will get turnt. If by chance you’re not akin to a Black praise break, prepare yourself for a crash course and also get out of the way, literally. On any given chord the person next to you will dance like David, twirl like Bey and/or faint like that one chick from America’s Next Top Model.

The preacher and [insert your favorite hype man] are pretty much one in the same.

Don’t believe me, just wait until the preacher says (because he will say this) “…and on the third day he got up!” and watch the congregation get their entire lives.

So there you have it, you’re now officially ready for the Sunday of Sundays. Go starch your outfit, shine your shoes, get that one updo your auntie always wears and sway your way into the house of the Lord. Govern yourselves accordingly.

Chevonne Harris

Chevonne Harris is a lover of all things pop culture and Oprah. She is an unapologetic subscriber to the book of Beyonce and the creator of AdoreColour.com, a digital destination celebrating the sheer awesomeness of black women. Her work has appeared on Buzzfeed, Jezebel.com, EBONY magazine, The Huffington Post, Clutch Magazine and more. #FunFact: Chevonne is also a proud two-time winner of Monopoly and firmly believes life would be much better if lived to “Songs in the Key of Life.”

  • A.G.

    Can I hear this chopped and screwed version of “The Blood Will Never Lose its Power?” Pretty please?!???

    • Brooklyn_Bruin

      Hoping Lil Keke got a guest verse

    • PetiteKBee

      Streets absolutely need this.

    • miss t-lee

      I don’t think this will s/c well, but nevertheless. I wanna hear it.

      • A.G.

        What does s/c mean??

        • miss t-lee

          It’s an abbreviation for screwed and chopped.

      • A.G.

        My church plays it slow, to the chagrin of many. Apparently it’s supposed to be much faster, in which case chopped and screwed would work.

        • miss t-lee

          I gotta keep my world’s separate…lol

  • IDontKnowAnyMore

    Don’t forget the endless amount of easter speeches.

    i used to smell like Pump it Up spray and boredom on Easter Sunday growing up.

    • I did the welcome since age 4… stuck to the basic.

      You’re welcome once.
      You’re welcome twice.
      You’re welcome in the name of Jesus Christ.

      SN: We have adapted version for our unofficial VSB new “commentor” welcome.

      You’re welcome once.
      You’re welcome twice.
      You’re welcome in the name of Henny and ice.

      *heathens*

    • Not the pump it up!

      couldn’t sleep for like a week after leaving the salon smh

      • IDontKnowAnyMore

        The smell and how hard my hair used to be was nauseating

  • Brother Mouzone

    R.I.P. to the homie Charlie Murphy. The laughter you gave me after the 5 fingers said to the face, and the habitual line steppa Slick Rick James, will always be remembered.

  • My kiddo will be with her dad (Easter dress ready). And I have a brunch reservation at 11 A.M. I am not shamed I will not be in the house of the Lord this Sunday. I will thank him for turning water into bottomless mimosas. Amen.

    • David Alexander Fauntleroy-Har

      …Hallelujah!

    • Won’t S(he) do it!!!

      • Carlettaghicks

        Google is paying 97$ per hour! Work for few hours and have longer with friends & family! !mj155d:
        On tuesday I got a great new Land Rover Range Rover from having earned $8752 this last four weeks.. Its the most-financialy rewarding I’ve had.. It sounds unbelievable but you wont forgive yourself if you don’t check it
        !mj155d:
        ??
        ??;?? http://GoogleFinancialJobsCash155MarketCoolGetPay$97Hour ?????????????????????????????????????????????????????:::::!mj155d:….,……..

      • Rosejjackson

        Google is paying 97$ per hour! Work for few hours & have longer with friends and family! !sw237c:
        On tuesday I got a great new Land Rover Range Rover from having earned $8752 this last four weeks.. Its the most-financialy rewarding I’ve had.. It sounds unbelievable but you wont forgive yourself if you don’t check it
        !sw237c:
        ??
        ??;?? http://GoogleFinancialCashJobs527NetworkBetterGetPaid$97/Hour ????????????????????????????????????????????????????::::::!sw237c:….,….

    • Ess Tee

      *shakes tambourine*

    • PinkRose

      QTNA will I burn in h ell for upvoting this?

      • ForeveryMountain

        You will have lots of company

    • Goals.

    • Amen!!!

    • ClaymoreParamore

      Same here, minus the chilren part cause I don’t have any of those. Booked a ticket for a brunch party (La Boum), realized I had booked it for Easter Sunday, had thoughts for a good few minutes about whether I should go or not, then realized, “oh wait, I’m a heathen (aka agnostic)…let the Good Times Continue!!” https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/3086f005dae3d8b03b01a48b8f6c7f69b76fff24150860d0922d4bbdd677cccb.gif

  • BrothasKeeper

    ” From ROY to BIV, no pantone is left unbothered. There’s Skittles Green, Grape Jelly Belly Purple, Laffy Taffy Blue and my lifelong favorite, Peach Faygo Pink.”

    ????????????????

    • A.G.

      ALL the pastels. I can’t wait. ?

      • All the colors of the wind will be present and accounted for.

    • Mr. Mooggyy

      I like-ta hadda died reading that! Men coming to church looking like a ripe mango!

      • BrothasKeeper

        Dat pink grapefruit freshness.

        • Mr. Mooggyy

          And you know Uncle Junebug coming through with the hat to match! Lookin like a Mississippi pimp!

    • miss t-lee

      Why my Unc got a Jelly Belly Purple suit with matching gators though?
      My Ainnie calls him Barney when he wears it.

    • TheUnsungStoryteller

      I DIED when I read that part!!! ROY to BIV!!! ??? But what about G.? ?

    • Catrise Paige

      That Detroit soda pop Faygo Peach/Pink color.. that ish is real in the D. Living witness. Cain’t nobody do it like a Motown brotha.

  • Val

    Heathen here. I haven’t been to a proper Black Easter service since I was a tween.

    • I Came I Saw

      I’m going this Sunday for the sole purpose of getting macaroni and cheese out of the deal. When I tell you it had better have 17 cheeses and a swirl of crack throughout…

      • A.G.

        I gave up cheese for Lent so you better believe I am ready for Sunday for some macaroni and cheese!!! And pizza!!!

    • KeyBrad

      Welcome to the party..me either. Well, I think i went in my 20s

    • grownandsexy2

      I was probably 12 so don’t feel bad.

  • eyecande

    “No shade to anyone’s praise, however, if you know your worship of God tends to reveal itself in the form of an ode to Usain Bolt, please sit in an exit row.” LOLOLOLOL!!!
    http://i81.photobucket.com/albums/j221/faevailovecali/Chaoskid2010%20Tumblr%20Junk/BlackWomanPassOut.gif

  • AshAlly08

    “I saw a spiritual dance team perform an interpretative dance to the chopped and screwed version of “The Blood Will Never Lose Its Power.””

    I don’t think I’m churching correctly.

    • BrothasKeeper

      None of us are.

    • Right. I thought I was doing it with my personal tambourine (yes, I am one of two people–with my daughter being the second–with an instrument but not a part of the “official” music ministry.) Lol

      • In church, we are all the percussion section.

        • The thing about being the non-approved tambourine player is it’s really evident when you are not in church.

          “We missed you last Sunday, Ms. Tambourine.”

          • Regina

            Once a lady forgot to take hers home and my daughter picked it up the next week and was playing it. The woman came and asked for it and rolled her eyes. My daughter was about 7 and she is 19 now and she still haven’t forgiven that lady for giving her the stink eye!

      • Brooklyn_Bruin

        Only on VSB. And hear I am without my QTNA’s on Evernote. (Need to transpose them to my bullet journal)

        Please regale us with the tale of the purchase of your last tambourine.

        What went into it?
        Brand preferences?
        Amazon prime available?

        • Lol. I went to the music store to inquire about buying a Trump (I play-ed). They were $400 bucks, so I spent $4 on an open face tambourine. Got my kiddo a closed one (she wasn’t that coordinated at the time).

          • Brooklyn_Bruin

            The stories you could tell.

            Be honest, have you ever tambourined passive aggressively?

            • Yes! And off key when the song went on toooooo long. Nothing says wrap it up like a tambourine on 1 and 3 and not 2 and 4

              • Brooklyn_Bruin

                Black Church Fiction writers, pay heed!

              • KCG

                ???

      • Regina

        Don’t every church have women who bring their own tambourine to the service, you know they came to get it started!

        • miss t-lee

          Mine does! She be killin’ it too!

          • Regina

            My current church doesn’t but the one I grew up in did. I could just hear one lady thinking, as she took it out her bag, let’s get this party started! Friday nights were hopping!

            • miss t-lee

              LOVE IT MAYNE.

        • When I first brought it, they were so confused. Lol. I am not here to play with Total Praise.

        • PDL….HE still working on me

          Yes! I bought 2 for my nieces. Hahaha

    • miss t-lee

      In all my Texan years I ain’t never heard no s/c in the church. I hope I don’t either…lol

      • Mr. Mooggyy

        I’m not Texan, but I’ve listened to enough s/c music to know that does not compute! But, someone may be brave enough to try!

        • miss t-lee

          I like to keep my heathen music and church music very much separated.

          • Mr. Mooggyy

            Agreed! I should not be listing to Fred Hammond and thinking how this sounds like a 8ball MJG song produced by Swishahouse!

            • miss t-lee

              Zacklyyyy.

              • MsCee

                So y’all good on the Kirk Franklin remixes feat. Mike Jones and Paul Wall?

        • MsCee

          You’d be surprised. When I was in New Orleans they were playing church songs over Bounce Music beats. I just knew I was gone get struck down for listening and laughing.

          • Mr. Mooggyy

            ………I think ONE thang when I hear N.O bounce music! It definitely ain’t church!

          • miss t-lee

            They really will throw a bounce beat on anything.

      • KB

        A chopped/screwed version of “drank up in my cup” remade into “blood of Christ up in my cup” would be pure awesomeness

        • miss t-lee

          No.

      • RaeRae

        yeah…the 3rd Coast frowns upon this.

        • miss t-lee

          Hallelu.

  • Wild Cougar

    Aww look at little Chevonne did her Easter piece so well! She’s so cute but I don’t know why her mama put her in that tee shirt that don’t make no sense instead of a pretty dress, nice ruffle socks and patent leather shoes like a decent woman…..

  • “Jesus is Lord so why are you worried about Peeps?” Hahahhahaa

More Like This