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Easter Sunday is Basically the Beyoncé of Sundays So Be Prepared

Any self-respecting churchgoer knows Easter Sunday is basically the Beyoncé of Sundays. Ushers in formation, hats on hats on hats, and Church Mothers wishing a nigga would sit in their pew; it’s a big deal, and rightfully so. Jesus was dead, chilled for a second, said hell nah, Xmen’d a stone, waved bye to his haters and rose again sans any CGI effects. Who does that? Well, besides Morgan Freeman, who at this moment is the true and living God.

Considering the aforementioned, coupled with Black people’s innate ability to be extra as ish, it’s only right that we celebrate Jesus’ ultimate Whodini move with praise in the form of bedazzled, dry-heaving preachers and little girls shrouded in more ruffles than Prince’s closet.

So for all you believers, saved and unsaved, who will venture into the House of the Lordt this coming Sunday morn, here are a few things to keep in mind during worship service. (Friendly reminder No. 1: The building fund is a pyramid scheme dipped in communion juice and loose change. Remember last Easter when you tithed an extra $10 to contribute to a new refrigerator for the Mother Ruth Jenkins Fellowship Hall? Well the fridge is still in layaway and Mother Ruth is actually a code name for the First Lady’s prayer cloth collection).

The First Lady will stunt.

This is her sanctuary and she did not come to play with you hoes. Any First Lady worth her fascinator knows this is the day the Lord has made to do the entire most. Don’t not acknowledge her fabulousness, don’t try to restrain her praise (because she will stand for the majority of the service simply to notice you noticing her), and don’t you dare sit in her pew. But for real, don’t even think about the sheer awesomeness of sitting in her pew. Stanning over this coveted seat, and heaven forbid you have the audacity to actually sit your self down in her spot, is basically the equivalent of telling a Black mother what you’re not finna’ do and thinking you’ll live to tell the story. Bottom line, there’s just some things you don’t do.

Despite what it looks like, Steve Harvey is not in attendance.

Considering the droves of comforter/sheet-set inspired, six button suits in the sanctuary, it’s easy to think otherwise but don’t let the lingering breeze left by deacon’s pants fool you. This is prime operating time for that one guy who sells suits in the parking lot of the barbershop and please believe your Uncle Titus is not his only client. Then there are the colors. From ROY to BIV, no pantone is left unbothered. There’s Skittles Green, Grape Jelly Belly Purple, Laffy Taffy Blue and my lifelong favorite, Peach Faygo Pink.

 The choir is going to do the absolute most.

If your choir doesn’t hit the Dougie, Bankhead Bounce, Cupid Shuffle and stick a double pike half twist, all on the downbeat, they didn’t try. The step and sway is cute for a first Sunday, but this is when it’s perfectly normal and universally expected for the senior choir to Milly Rock down the aisle during the processional. Also know that the choir is going to sing any and every hymnal containing the word “blood,” and will likely put the sexually ambiguous members of the tenor section front and center due to their unique ability to shout on cue.

Lastly, beware of that one praise and worship leader you can’t stand who swears she’s the second coming of gospel Beyoncé. You see, she will actually be over the music ministry for the day and because of that, has intentionally paired her pink tutu with mid top Converse and her favorite Eleven60 work blazer. You’ve been warned.

The dance team will do the most as well. Actually they’ll have no chill at all.

I have a theory. There’s nothing more extra than a saved Black person. I initially thought Rachel Dolezal’s commitment to rocking Senegalese Twists would take top honors until I saw a spiritual dance team perform an interpretative dance to the chopped and screwed version of “The Blood Will Never Lose Its Power.”

The Easter Bunny ain’t s**t.

Eff the Easter Bunny and everything he stands for. Jesus is Lord so why are you worried about Peeps? So what if Peter Cottontail shoots out chocolate flavored yoni eggs once a year, the preacher will not be here for it. Jesus is the reason for the season therefore you don’t have time to concern yourself with worldy things such as Easter egg hunts. If by chance you do get your hands on an Easter basket, particularly if you’re old enough to know you’re too old to have one, congratulations, you’ve just uncovered the world’s best and worst hospitality ministry.

Don’t try the ushers.

Let them be great today. Ushers are basically the air traffic controllers of the sanctuary and they deserve respect, or at minimum the common courtesy of you only taking one program (you know good and well the church clerk snuck and printed them at her job before service, so taking anything more than the allotted one per member is just heartless). Yes Sister Jackie forgot her white and black attire and is now ushering in an eggshell colored blouse, white tights that puddle at her ankles and orthopedic slip-ons, but that’s none of your business. Stand when told, sit where instructed and don’t start nothing and there won’t be nothing.

 Make room for the Holy Ghost.

…but like, a lot of room, especially when the Holy Ghost hits the runners. Let’s actually take a break here for one second. No shade to anyone’s praise, however, if you know your worship of God tends to reveal itself in the form of an ode to Usain Bolt, please sit in an exit row. These runners take people out and I for one am not risking a head-on collision on my way to the water fountain all because your auntie won $200 at the casino and now has a praise on the inside. But I digress.

Back to the Holy Ghost. I’ve always held firm to the belief that the most powerful member of any Black church is the keyboard player. Why? Because no other human being possesses the ability to single-handedly usher in the spirit of God like a church musician. With a flick of the wrist these men and women make a mundane service lit AF. Get ready because when the beat drops (oh and it will), folks will get turnt. If by chance you’re not akin to a Black praise break, prepare yourself for a crash course and also get out of the way, literally. On any given chord the person next to you will dance like David, twirl like Bey and/or faint like that one chick from America’s Next Top Model.

The preacher and [insert your favorite hype man] are pretty much one in the same.

Don’t believe me, just wait until the preacher says (because he will say this) “…and on the third day he got up!” and watch the congregation get their entire lives.

So there you have it, you’re now officially ready for the Sunday of Sundays. Go starch your outfit, shine your shoes, get that one updo your auntie always wears and sway your way into the house of the Lord. Govern yourselves accordingly.

Chevonne Harris

Chevonne Harris is a lover of all things pop culture and Oprah. She is an unapologetic subscriber to the book of Beyonce and the creator of AdoreColour.com, a digital destination celebrating the sheer awesomeness of black women. Her work has appeared on Buzzfeed, Jezebel.com, EBONY magazine, The Huffington Post, Clutch Magazine and more. #FunFact: Chevonne is also a proud two-time winner of Monopoly and firmly believes life would be much better if lived to “Songs in the Key of Life.”

  • miss t-lee

    ” initially thought Rachel Dolezal’s commitment to rocking Senegalese Twists would take top honors until I saw a spiritual dance team perform an interpretative dance to the chopped and screwed version of “The Blood Will Never Lose Its Power.”

    Video or it didn’t happen.

    • PetiteKBee

      In lieu of that (or while we wait) there IS a DJ who chops gospel: http://djauditory.com/portfolio/gospel-chops/

      • miss t-lee

        OH, I’m familiar with Auditory. He’s pretty decent.

      • miss t-lee

        I’m not surprised by the statement. I’ve heard just about everything screwed and chopped over the years.

        • PetiteKBee

          One of my favorites is Sunday Morning x Maroon 5.

          • miss t-lee

            Nine Inch Nails “Closer” is probably my all time fave. OG Ron C did it.

  • rikyrah

    The opening paragraph has me in tears and reminds me why I love this place and the writers.???

  • Michelle

    Being that both of my parents weren’t too keen on raising us kids with religion (both of them were repulsed by religion due to their own religious upbringing, so…), my brother and I only know Easter Sunday as that one Sunday, where we couldn’t go to IHOP for any food. Or, the neighborhood soul food spot, for that matter.

    • KeyBrad

      I became your parents once I grew up

  • Ari

    This is not suitable to read in my cubicle. My coworkers are looking at me like “bih what could be so hilarious at 3 o’clock in the afternoon?” I’m also here to read the comments of visitors and late-comers who dared to sit in someone else’s seat on any Sunday let alone Easter Sunday.

    • miss t-lee

      Girl…folks get so serious about them seats, especially if you ain’t showed up all year…lol

      • Ari

        Oh it gets lethal and I don’t even bother. I just sit in the balcony. It ain’t worth my life.

        • miss t-lee

          It’s truly not that serious. It doesn’t stop me from laughing though.

  • Irked Wind & Tired (Hooba)

    I just can’t wait to make me a plate.

  • Ari

    Easter Sunday church punch and pound cake. That is all.

    • Val

      Down in the church basement.

      • Ari

        Made and served by the church lady wearing her best Easter dress with house shoes.

    • miss t-lee

      Pound cake is always a winner.

    • Regina

      Is it free or is it a fundraiser?

      • Ari

        LOL at my church Easter food is usually free; but of course there will be a long line. Nonetheless we never run out of food.

        • Regina

          Not running out of food is that Easter miracle!! Lines are always too long for free food so I never stop. But I always stop and buy from the fundraisers because I know every little bit will help the cause.

  • miss t-lee

    This is why the last 8 or so years I’ve been attending sunrise service.
    Straight church, homie. An hour tops.
    No Easter speeches, no theatrics, no A-E choir selections. Golden.

    • Val

      I have lots of problems with my being Catholic but one hour and done masses is not one of them.

      • miss t-lee

        Ha!
        One hour is just the warm up…lol That’s why I show up late half of the time.

      • Lea Thrace

        *daps*

        thats one reason why Im still in the tenuous but holding relationship with the United Methodist Church. One hour max means we aint got time for foolishness. Just the Word of the Lord!

      • PinkRose

        I’m going to be Catholic this Sunday and revert back to Methodist after service.

        • ForeveryMountain

          *snickers*

      • Ain’t Nobody Got Time For That

        Never get tempted by the Easter Vigil. They do ALL the Stations of the Cross. We went one year because a family friend had converted and was getting baptized/First Communioned/confirmed during the Easter Vigil Mass and that thing was legit 3 hours.
        Also, my nephew once complained that “church was too long and boring” (Catholic mass) so my sister threatened to make him go to church with his paternal grandparents (who are Pentecostal) An hour suddenly didn’t seem so bad. (50 minutes on Steeler sundays when kickoff is at 1:00)

      • MissusMaxwell

        I’m also Catholic, but my parish is predominantly Black and my church has been called ‘baplic’ on more than one occasion. I haven’t been to a 60min Mass in YEARS.

        • SororSalsa

          I went to a ‘Blatholic” wedding last year. The groom’s family were white Irish Catholics, and seemed confused at the location (in SE DC) and the service. Add in a very unprofessional photographer, who caused the bridemaids to do an awkward two-step down the aisle and it was an amusing affair to say the least. After the ceremony, the bride had her friend entertain before the reception in the basement of the church, and after a song or two, I realized that she was singing gospel versions of popular music. That heifer sang “Last Dance” to Jesus. And the gospel rapper had a little trouble censoring himself and almost chewed off his tongue….SMH.

          • miss t-lee

            Last Dance? I’m hollering. ?

      • SororSalsa

        I’m not Catholic, but I appreciate the expediency of a mass. Ya’ll know how to worship and go HOME.

      • I went to Catholic schools… Mass was always sooooo sad. I used to think, “Why is Jesus so dayum sad all the time! “

      • GenevaGirl

        Except for Easter Vigil when they baptise all the converts, confirm those who should have done it as teens, etc. We’re having that debate now. It’s the trade off of suffering for two hours and then getting to sleep in on Sunday.

        I did go to a Blackolic church in Jersey City. 10:30 mass started with a good 20 minutes of gospel hymns before mass even got going. It was an easy hour and 45 minute service. It was quite enjoyable.

      • divadahling

        I’m an atheist now, but used to love the brevity of Mass. Stand, sit, stand, sit, kneel, eat Stryofoam communion wafer, kneel, cross yourself, stand, go with God. Done in 50 minutes. I called it McChurch.

    • Me too!! I just left midday Bible Study and the Assosiciate pastor was warning any unsuspecting members that the CME’s will be in full effect on Sunday. Thank God for Sunrise service @6.

    • Wild Cougar

      Your church must’ve been wack

      • miss t-lee

        It ain’t wack. I have better things to do with my time, like hang out with my family.

        • Wild Cougar

          Well if you have better things to do, why do you go

    • Asking_Questions

      I don’t have to usher this Sunday so I WILL be at the 6am service at my granny’s church. I don’t have time to play with anybody who hasn’t been to church since last Easter.

      • miss t-lee

        You feel me?!

      • 6am? Dayum! The Lawd is up then?

    • I was the GOAT of Easter speeches, because dramatic. I would write original poems for the Lordt. One year I started mine off with a clarinet solo, because of you ain’t gonna do the most why do anything at all. *curtsies*

      • miss t-lee

        I could totally see you rocking the clarinet solo too, chica. ?

  • miss t-lee

    Young Church Mother uptop is slaying in that hat.

    • BrothasKeeper

      She served the people that Hot & Now freshness. Put some respeck on Miss Pearl’s name.

      • miss t-lee

        Pearlie Mae ain’t come to play with you hoez.

  • And then you have your annual church goers who will show up in their Sunday Good Enough’s. Yep, I called myself out.

    • miss t-lee

      You’re there. That’s the important part.

      • see!??! i’ll tell my grandmama that! lol

        • miss t-lee

          I’m telling you that, because that is what mine would tell me…lol

    • HoneyRose

      This is me!!

    • A.G.

      Smh Lol

    • Avoiding my Mom’s phone calls just so I don’t get invited. I do believe it’s NBA Playoff time.

  • Looking4Treble

    Don’t bother with HBO, Amazon Prime or Netflix on Easter Sunday. Just go to a Black church. Fashion shows, hair shows, a concert, soap operas, a refresher on how many primary colors suits can come in and the Holy Ghost Olympics are all there to be had fo’ free. Just don’t sit in my seat.

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