See how cute they look? They're precious and sh*t.
Something dawned on me while reading the comments to yesterday’s post. Wearing some sort of protection while having sex has always been sold as the right and the smart and the healthy thing to do, and this pitch is usually accompanied with all the horrible things that can possibly happen to you — STDs, pregnancy, pulled pork vaginas, etc — to scare people into doing it. And, while fear is definitely a great motivator (perhaps our greatest motivator), how fun is it do to something just because you’re worried about what would happen if you didn’t? (At this point, feel free to insert whatever analogy you want to about religion.)
No object better embodies this feeling than the condom, which is either thought of as (at best) a necessarily evil or (at worst) just plain motherf*cking evil. With this in mind, I decided to devote today to a few cool reasons for guys to strap up.
1. Less sensitivity = Longer sessions
No one will argue that sex with a condom feels better than condom-less sex, but you could make the argument that wearing a condom can actually produce better sex. I’d estimate that wearing one increases your PPS count (PPS = Pumps Per Session) count by 30%. Basically, if you’re a guy who can typically give 40-60 good pumps before succumbing to the vagina monster, with a condom that number jumps to 52-78 pumps. That little jump right there can be the difference between a woman wanting to cuddle and talk and sh*t to you afterwards and her catching a case of PBBSN (PBBSN = Post-Back Breaking Sudden Narcolepsy) and just falling the hell out.
2. It’s much easier to fake it
Sh*t happens sometimes.
3. No clean up
Easily the worst part of sex, the always messy, always sticky post-coital clean up is — according to the Mormons — God’s way of shaming us for not ejaculating inside of a woman. Now, was that last sentence actually true? Who knows and who cares? I do know, though, that if you don’t have enough game to convince her to perform the neatest option (swallowing), a condom is the next best choice.
4. Worry-less sex
While raw sex is great, you can never allow yourself to fully commit mentally because, from “I hope I pull out in time” to “Wait, did I pull out in time?” you have too much else on your mind. Condoms allow you to go full sexual retard.
5. Buying them makes you feel like a grown-ass man
Along with paying your bills, buying produce, and checking Facebook and seeing that your high school prom date has just welcomed her second grandchild, walking in a store and buying condoms is one of those tasks that just makes you feel like a grown-ass man. Also, for those who feel a little awkward about the look the cashier might give you when you’re at the register, just remember that you’re basically announcing “Yup, dry-d*ck motherf*ckers, I’m about to get some. How do you like those apples?” to everybody in line.
Anyway, that’s it for me today. People of VSB, condoms need some better PR, so can you think of any other really cool reasons why we should wear them?
—The Champ
>.>
<.<
-.-
*sighs and sits this one out too*
*pulls out a row of chairs for you and other people who need to sit this out* \__ \__ \__ \__.
Cuz I’m thoughtful like that.
(___) *pulls up a beanbag chair*
Luvvie always with the chair and seats ministry, lol
I’m waiting for Luvvie to open her own furniture store that only sells chairs “because sometimes…all you really need is a seat.”
i approve of this slogan! i’d shop there! i know dem seats would be sturdy and durable! LOL
YES!!! You must help me manage my furniture store! lol
“chair and seats ministry” is IT. LOL- isn’t that the Usher Board?
po thang. lol. you’re going to have MAD notes and knowledge when you do the do though. heaven help that man. lol
Some things words can’t teach you Muze and sometimes the most learned student flubs on the big test…but yeah, I’ll keep some ice and Tylenol near by just in case
Girl I wish I could tell you how lame the first time usually is. It’s either built up like it’s the great thing ever and you get let down. Or it’s like a game of twister with none of the fun. It does get better but man, the first time is just….yeah.
I did know one girl who said hers was the bomb. She was a church girl however and something about her story sounded real cheesy, like a love scene from General Hospital. I’m not saying it can’t happen that way…I’m just saying I didn’t necessarily believe her.
And now that you’re sufficiently secure in waiting even longer, my job is done
LOL
My first time was just…yeah
Lol
Ya, I did it because I was tired of the suspense. Like what was the BFD? I tried to do what I saw in the movies but it didn’t seem right. Hot mess.
Yep, same for me. Lost it because I was tired of carrying my v-card. First time was meh at best.
LOL
This is a topic where words better teach you. You don’t want to be the ex-virgin mommy or the ex-Virgin picking up a needed prescription.
“po thang. lol. you’re going to have MAD notes and knowledge when you do the do though. heaven help that man. lol”
I like the way this chick thinks. LOL
Tes, you don’t have to sit this one out!
Condoms can actually be pretty entertaining, most of the funnest/ funniest experiences I have had with condoms didn’t involve sex at all.
For example, have you ever seen someone put a condom over their head? it’s pretty funny looking.
http://thehairpin.com/2011/02/condom-socks-give-baby-legs-a-sleek-new-look
That’s all I came up with for that. Otherwise…meh. Not much insight on condoms, other than to not be embarrassed to buy them. If I can buy pads, I can buy condom; the minor embarrassment of buying them beats the major embarrassment and shame that comes with getting told I have an STD/STI.
You should try getting a flavored condom, some type of phallic object, and learning how to put a condom on with your mouth. I had fun learning that.
This reminds me of Grey’s Anatomy when a virgin came to the hospital because she had swallowed a condom trying to learn a few oral tricks for her soon to be hubby.
Tess it is good that you pulled up a chair…
You will need this information when you DO finally have sex.
once again, well done.
Guys really count how many pumps they take?
smh.
no comment.
Yes. I’ve heard many a dude discuss their “stroke number” before. Rather enlightening and inappropriate all at the same time lol
O wow. Learn something new.
that’s kind of sad. I always thought thinking about random stuff/ counting anything were bad signs about the quality of chex you’re having
I thought that would be a way to last longer (which for some reason many guys seem to need to do); taking your mind off the current activity.
idk, but as a woman i count if i’m bored lol j/k
LMFAO. God bless the man that has to hear a woman doing some Sesame Street Count ish during coitus.
Shade like a mug.
Yo I was thinking the same thing, and then I thought doesn’t 50-75 humps seem hella low
I guess depending on the speed and variation, I can’t front though I can glance over at the clock before and after
Interesting you mention the clock thing. I like a clock in easy shot of my eyesight. I try for a solid half-hour with intercourse, then see what the woman wants next to figure out the next moves.
I dont think i’ve ever counted (probably because im too focused on the u kno…..sex) but i will glance at a clock, or if we started at the start of Martin im tryna go at least into the second commercial break lol
LOL at second commercial break. hilarious. i don’t think i’ve ever paid attention to how long or short sexytime was, unless it was an extreme of one or the other.
lmfao
Martin commercial breaks, doe!! This is hilarity.
haha, yeah I would always measure by the tv show or by how many songs I made it through on my playlist. I’m tellin yall though, how long you last is overrated. It’s what you do while you’re in there. I’ve made chicks come in less than ten minutes, and I’ve had sessions where I lasted 30+ and didn’t get a great response from her (tellin me to hurry up, and said it started hurting more than feeling good etc;). It’s more about your technique, flexibliity and MUSCULAR endurance. Can you keep a strong stroke steady and hit it from the right angles. Again, time is overrated. Not saying you should be a minute man, but there is dimishing returns if your technique is off. That’s why I’m not impressed with all these dudes claimin to go 30+ each time. Rarely does it take more than 15 minutes for the chick to climax. If it does, she’s probably fakin lol
Truth….I get bored if I am humping someone for longer than 15 min. Girls never usually take that long to get their rocks off unless you are doing something wrong
LOL!
That’s what cracked me up.
Yeah man, you gotta know your number. Drunk and sober.
Putting them on can actually be a fun process! If i put it on, its a great way to get up close and personal with his member (i think thats a safe enough penis euphemism), see what i’m working with, and can lead to all kinds of other ‘fun activities’…since i’m down there anyway. If he’s putting it on, well, i have nothing else to do really, so i might as well start juggling some balls… Fun times for all!
*waits for Champ’s sarcastic comment pointing out your use of “penis” in explanation of using a safe word for penis.*
and LMBO @ juggling balls. hilarious. i’ve never put a condom on. i always feel like i’ll flub it up and ruin the mood. lol.
Put in on with your mouth. He wont even realize its there….
Eventually he’ll realize it’s there. But that is a pretty cool trick though. I am very proud of my ability to put a condom on with my mouth.
I had this one girl try but messed up she played it off with some lewinsky n i had to put it on myself after but had she did it right…our relationship probably would’ve lasted at least another month lol
Never did this; there’s lubr!cation on it. Why you want that in your mouth? Won’t you it all come off in your mouth too?
if its flavoured, its the visual and makes it more fun
I’m generally skeptical of “flavored” plastic.
i understand.
A lot of guys like to put it on themselves to make sure its on just right. And it is pretty important, obviously, that it be on just right.
Oh, as soon as i posted the comment and saw it was in moderation, i realized my mistake. I usually read this when i first wake up because its about 7am on this side of the world. I wasn’t thinking clearly…
“i’ve never put a condom on.”
You and me both. The truth of the matter is that I don’t even know how, I’ve seen it done but never actually did it myself – But I use them tho, but I don’t like em, it was rough getting back into the swing of using them again after being able to ride bareback with the ex hubby for soooo many years.
#Welp
If you do it with enough enthusiasm and big OMG this thing is so big and pretty I can’t wait look on your face, while appreciating the rock hard feel of it and sneaking a grope of the muscular thighs and hanging rocks….ooh, yeah it’s part of the foreplay.
+1
*adds to to-do list*
Ok, the whole “less sensitivity” thing is cool up to a point. I can only take so much. After awhile, I’m ready to tap out. On the other hand **TMI ALERT** my ex has trouble climaxing when he wears a condom. He says he never gets that feeling that he’s about to. I’m sure that’s bc of some other issues, but still…
Girl, after a while it is like “negro…just be done.” I will say w/out a condom a dude is more likely to know when it’s time to make his final dismount move and call it a night. With a condom, those natural cues (i.e. getting somewhat dry) are less likely to be detected which leads to time limits being place for future coitus a la Dave Chappelle’s “wrap it up” skit. LOL
That skit was exactly the image I got when I was writing that! LOL Condoms are a must, so I can deal with it. But once its gone on for too long, its time to get creative! Lol
The guy can sometimes tell when she’s reached that limit. If she’s got that first orgasm and prob isn’t gonna get the next one. You can tell she’s not as into it anymore, time for doggy style.
lmao…. yes, turning us around seems to be failproof lol
Yup, i’ll agree with that! lol
co-signs
The condom could be too tight. My ex is a big boy and some brands would be too tight around the base and cut of that big vein. TMI sorry.
I suggested that…but u know how sensitive some men can be. I couldn’t say nothing w/o him thinking it was a complaint of some sort…smh.
Raw sex >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> condom sex
BUT the fact that I know I do not want kids at this point and that wearing one will protect me from their wrath…
condom sex>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> raw sex
Just for the time. But as far as feeling goes, you know the deal.
I like how you’ve spun this. Positive reinforcement theoretically is more effective than negative reinforcement (fear/avoidance), so hopefully presenting these potential reinforcers to using protection will help out. …as opposed to scare tactics. But umm comedy per usual.
Condoms are cool b/c some of them come flavored. MMHMM. AND if you use them during oral chex, then you won’t have to get shot in the eye. Or have it in your hair. That is gel I didn’t ask for in my hair. Nor do you have to know that your partner, who’s been smoking for 20 years’ love juice now tastes like tar and despair.
Thank them later.
Tar AND despair tho?? You just killed me *lol*.
At tar and despair iGagged (and yep, that’s definitely what she said).
lol
*tears* @ “tar and despair”!!
That “in the eye” struggle is real tho. Try explaining why your eye is swollen shut at 2am to your pharmacist…smh
“POW….right in the kisser”
Nothing worse than funky spunk.
Though if he quits smoking, eats lots of fruits and veggies and drinks pineapple juice, he’ll taste like candy. So dance with me. Or so I’ve been told.
That pineapple juice thing is a myth lol. I may or may not have had personal experience with that…
( ._.)
wow, they should put that on don’t smoke commercials.
About taste though, I have always thought if God is a man, why doesn’t umm, love juice, taste like chocolate?
Well, that stuff is highly dependent on the dude’s diet. If you really want it to state like chocolate, better than Nesquik, Yoohoo and Ovaltine stat. Trust me, when he sees your smile, he’ll be Mr. Hershey.
Todd, Sir, thank you +10. A man’s diet relates to his juice production; same goes for women. What you put in the body comes out the body. *Shutter* Just thinking about some past situations I gladly passed on because of their diet.
This is what b00bs are for. “Tasting” is out of the question, LOL
Not tar and despair! LMAO
why must luvvie slay me? why??
Umm, that pic makes my love of Hello Kitty feel so perverted now… Anyways, flavored condoms allow people to enjoy 2 of the best things on Earth, s*x and food.
Random fact (thanks NPR!) Sanrio really does make Hello Kitty condoms. They also make Hello Kitty AK-47s #TheMoreYouKnow
I’m fine with Hello Kitty condoms, but Hello Kitty AK-47s!?!?!? Who are they even trying to sell those to??? That is crazy and pretty disturbing
I can’t take this…. Hello Kitty AK-47s?!?!!!!????!!!!!!
Just who would need a Hello Kitty one? lawd….
LMFAO @ Hello Kitty AK-47s. Like, they kill you with kindness.
Flavored condoms gave me irritation down there. Be careful sensitive women.
Cosign. I’m picky, everything doesn’t agree with her, so I’ll provide, no problem.
Yes I am pro positive reinforcement!!! Good spill, You have just saved a few educated black people from unplanned kids and std’s….atleast I’d like to think that lol