Lists, Pop Culture, Theory & Essay

Double Take.

So apparently Beyonce uses a body double when convenient.

Really!? (*rubbing chin*)

Now, clearly some people would be up in arms to find out that they’d been duped by the Creole Knowle who found it more enjoyable to go off shopping than make herself available for a personal special tour of a museum. Granted, it’s kind of dumb to send a look-a-like to your OWN special tour, which to me sounds like something you set up in the first place. You’d think that if you didn’t really want to go to your OWN PERSONAL TOUR of something, you’d call and cancel. But oh well.

She opted for the road more travelled and went shopping instead, but who can blame her?

I can just see Beyonce saying to her mother, “Forget the art museum, send Sheyonce. I don’t need to see no art. B*tch, I am Sasha Fierce art.”

By the way, did you all see the pink pants that Chad Johnson wore to the premier of Spike Lee’s documentary on Kobe Bryant? Fashion has just gone to damn far now. Anybody else noticed that rappers and athletes are starting to dress like the guys that rappers and athletes would beat up back in the day?

But I digress.

So Beyonce having a look-a-like, though devious, actually seems like a good idea. Think of all the demands made of Beyonce’s time. It stands to reason that if you could make it happen and get away with it, you’d snag a little time for yourself and send your clone to do the crap you really could live without. And if the trip’s in Mexico, you ALWAYS send your clone.

I think the bigger scandal here is this: Beyonce actually HAS a look-a-like that travels with her? This was in Austria, not Austin. That makes it sound premeditated. Then again, actually searching for and locating your clone makes the entire thing premeditated so, whatever.

This whole shenanigan (does the singular form of “shenanigans” actually exist? Like do people commit one caper then graduate to shenanigans? These things keep me up at night.) got me to thinking about a bunch of other people who could benefit greatly from having a clone.

Such as…

Barack Obama – Barry O spends more time on television nowadays than he does in the Oval Office. You can’t get work done if you’re always on TV. So what if he could send a clone to do all the speeches he’s been doing while he’s in his office pushing buttons and increasing spending making major decisions. Who’s to say he doesn’t have one already? What with all the random blunders (he actually said continulously, on air, this morning while thanking Arlen Specter for defecting to joining the DNC) we just might be witnessing a clone of the President who’s so often lauded for being so well spoken. Plus, it would give him more time to spend trying to kick Rush Limbaugh’s ass that smoking habit of his.

Michael Jackson – It might be hard trying find somebody who looks like an alien’s rendition of a human being though.

Britney Spears – She’s spent so much time in court the past few years, wouldn’t it be great to just say, “f*ck it, I don’t feel like going today, send Clone#2 to offer up my guilty verdict and I’ll just follow the proceedings on twitter.”

Captain Kirk – He got into so many shenanigans in his heyday and had so much alien cookie thrown his way he probably need a clone or four just to handle his smutload. By the way, smutload is one disgusting sounding word.

Eddie Murphy – After that whole transvestite prostitute thing, wouldn’t he have benefitted greatly if he could have been like like, “naw, homey, that wasn’t me, that was my look-a-like out there scheming on them hehoes. I have my OWN man-looking woman at home to deal with.”

Puffy (I refuse to call him Diddy) – Actually, one Puffy might be all the world can deal with.

Brad Pitt – That way Jennifer Aniston can get her a second shot at having his love children.

Namata – Just because he could make twice the amount of terrible music if there were more than one of him. Can you imagine this man and OJ Da Juiceman making a song together? You can…can’t you. (By the way if you can’t access those youtube links, you are truly missing out on f*ckery at its highest levels.  I actually thought dude was Flavor Flav’s singing alter-ego for a while.)

My guitar gently weeps for sanity.

(By the way, and not to take shots at Memphis or anything, but when I first heard of OJ Da Juiceman you couldn’t tell me he wasn’t from Memphis. His entire swag says Memphis to me. Speaking of bad swag, meet Mr. Hit Dat Hoe.)

So, who else could really use a clone?

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL, HE A 3

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Damon Young

Panama Jackson is pretty fly for a light guy. He used to ship his frito to Tito in the District, but shipping prices increased so he moved there to save money. When he's not saving humanity with his words or making music with his mouth, you can find him at your mama's mama's house drinking her fine liquors. Most importantly, he believes the children are our future.

  • http://graywords1000@yahoo.com Dorian G.

    Bria Myles and she needs to move next door to me.

    • overit

      @Dorian G., Boris Kodjoe, and needs to be on the other side of Idris.

      Sak, Gem, say somethin!

      • http://www.myspace.com/chicanextdoor Miss Patterson

        @overit, first of all Idris is MY guy. so step off. how many times i gotta tell you that overitey?
        secondly, you can have Boris. I broke his heart a long time ago and he’s still trying to recover. Perhaps you can help mend his broken heart. ;)

      • http://www.awesomelyluvvie.com Luvvie

        @overit,

        Umm you know I love you right? But Idris would get it many times, many ways for many days!

        • JamaicanGirl

          @Luvvie, yes yes yes, many days, time, place, ways ,hell he could have it all.

          • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

            @JamaicanGirl,

            vsb.com: where stringer bell induces squirts

            • http://graywords1000@yahoo.com Dorian G.

              @The Champ,

              Yo dude was the guest DJ at this club in DC a few weeks back. It was easily the best looking collection of women I’ve seen under one roof.

              I would hate to have that much pull over vajay-jay, it has to get boring…right?

            • Me fail english?

              He DJs too? Now that’s just corny.

  • P dot E dot YSO

    I would love for A. Keys to have a clone. However, i think its quite easy for celebrities to have look alikes because there are people out there who impersonate them for a living

  • Madame Zenobia

    1.) OJ
    2.) Bill Clinton
    3.) Mike Tyson
    4.) Barry Bonds
    5.) T.I.

    However, for reasons of my personal pleasure: Dwayne Wade, AI, John Legend, Ben Bratt, Robin Thicke & Josh Duhamel.

    • luvtheshoes

      @Madame Zenobia,

      I’ve forgotten about Benjamin Bratt. He’s fallen off the radar a bit but he certainly is delicious, too!

      • overit

        @luvtheshoes, yes he is!

    • http://cornellwestside.blogspot.com Carver The Great! (aka Cornell Westside)

      @Madame Zenobia,

      3.) Mike Tyson

      have you seen the Tyson documentary? CLASSIC!! I give an 11 out of 10 on the unintentional comedy scale

    • Me fail english?

      @Madame Zenobia,

      Hmm, I’ll second D. Wade. Does the clone get the same personality? If not, there’s a FEW guys that I think the world could stand to see more of. We can donate my boss’ heart and lungs :)

    • PrincesMo

      @Madame Zenobia,
      I heard that AI was wacktastical from that groupie website lol! but maybe u could train his clone to be better…and maybe the clone could be genetically engineered with certain enhancements…

  • http://lostwomanchild.blogspot.com blackberry molasses

    Eff tha post. I ain’t even read it.
    *cue Il Fortuna*

    On this day, one score and nine years ago, the Lord saw fit to release upon this earth a blessing and a curse. Wrought through the union of two Ghanaian young people… He brought forth a force of nature. With a mission to spread fabulosity and ***Diva Dust*** to the world. She named herself… BlackBerry Molasses.

    • http://www.awesomelyluvvie.com Luvvie

      @blackberry molasses,

      Ooooo it’s your birfday! Now i gotta sing you a song

      “BBMo, it’s your birfday
      Happy birfday BBMo
      BBMo, it’s your birfday
      Happy birfday BBMo

      I wish you love and goodwill
      I wish you peace and joy
      I wish you better than your heart’s desires
      And your first kiss from a boy” *side-eye*

      2800 cool points redeemable for nothing to whoever can name where I got this song.

      But HAPPY BIRFDAY chica! May your rice flow a-plenty and may your swigs of Bailey’s be endless!

      • http://hunnybeezhive.blogspot.com Beez

        @Luvvie,

        Ooh!! I know!! It’s the Simpsons episode where Homer got committed to the crazy house and brought back a MJ impersonator he thought was real (but was voiced by the real MJ). He and Bart made the song for Lisa’s (first) 8th birthday!!

        *ends Simpsons fanaticsm, turns gangster back on*

        Happy Birthday, Miss Molasses!! I hope you get everything you want today, and that you have many more 29’s in your future! :*)

    • PrincesMo

      @blackberry molasses,
      Happy Born day!!!! cue the shooting stars and rainbows:)

    • JamaicanGirl

      @blackberry molasses, Happy Happy Birthday, hope you have a fabulous day.

    • superwoman

      @blackberry molasses,

      *rolling up my sleeves and clearing my throat in preparation for the Spur, Gaborone-Botswana waiters obligatory birthday chant*

      WHOSE BEF’DE??? YOUR BEF’ DEEEEEEEE!!!! HAPPEEEEEE HAPPPEEEEEEE HAPPEEEEEEE BEF’ DEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!

      (mini-sparklers going off throughout the performance)

      *curtsies, exits stage left*

    • miss t-lee

      @blackberry molasses,
      Happy B-day chick.

    • blackberry molasses

      @ all so far….

      thanks y’all… and in the spirit of intrawebs f*ckery…

      Guess who’s spending her birthday in the ER with suspected strep throat/ swine flu…. FML.

      • V Renee

        @blackberry molasses,

        Happy Birthday B-Mo!!!!

        Are you serious?? Wow that sucks!!

      • http://nianaturally.blogspot.com N.I.A. fabuloussince82….

        @blackberry molasses,

        Dayum…swine flu strikes again.

        Happy Birthday BBMo!! And may you have a great day in spite of that nasty swine!!!

      • Gem of the Ocean

        @blackberry molasses,

        sowwy BBMo, didn’t mean to sneeze/cough on my computer screen while talkin to you. don’t say i never gave you anything.

        HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!

      • Me fail english?

        @blackberry molasses,

        Aww, just Harlem Shake it off! It’s ya bloodclot bertdeeey!!

      • http://www.myspace.com/chicanextdoor Miss Patterson

        @blackberry molasses, Happy Birthday woman! feel better!

      • Tx10inch

        @blackberry molasses,

        Happy B-day Black!

        Hope u feel betta soon babygurl..

    • luvtheshoes

      @blackberry molasses,

      Happy birthday, BBMo!

    • http://www.museacdonline.com pgh muse

      @blackberry molasses, ***cue in Stevie *presses play on the aiwa boom box so the cassette tape can start, eh… i’m a little nostalgic 2day***

      Happy Birthday to ya, Happy Birthday 2 ya, Happy BIIIRRRTHDAAY!!!

    • KingPine

      @blackberry molasses,

      happy birthday lady la…..

      and print up another DDC card for humble_one….

      Yesterday was rigtheous….lol

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      @blackberry molasses,

      happy birthday and sh*t, and may this birthday be a masculine birthday

    • overit

      @blackberry molasses, ay! ay! ay! ay! ay! Happy, Happy, Happy Bday to a beautiful VSS! You’re the best e-momma gemmy and I could have (gem, she’s our new e-momma since she’s so maternal and I told her we aint know who our e-momma was:(

      May you have many more:)

    • SouthernGirl

      @blackberry molasses,

      yaaaaaaaay!

      *special deliver she from illness happy birthday shooting gold stars*

      feel better *hugs*

    • http://www.twitter.com/Vivacious2 This Just In

      @blackberry molasses,

      HAPPY BORN DAY BBMO!!!!!! :O)

    • blackberry molasses

      @erryones….

      thanks so much for the birthday wishes… they mean so much as I type from my bed. Not swine flu, but strep has me laid low. I’mma party like a rockstar when I recover… all Philly folk, I’ll have details. :)

  • PrincesMo

    “Brad Pitt – That way Jennifer Aniston can get her a second shot at having his love children.”

    This is wrong just so wrong, lol. Why u gotta mess with jen panama, hasn’t she had it hard enough? She’s no match for that magic vag angelina, jen would lose the clone to her too :(

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      @PrincesMo,

      She’s no match for that magic vag angelina, jen would lose the clone to her too

      lol…that would be some funny ass sh*t

  • JamaicanGirl

    I cant even reply to the question at hand, what i want to know is where in Sam hill did Panama find these youtube videos?

    Mr. Hit DAT HOE, wtf these kids need to be slapped with a Book. What is this world coming to, just when i thought the Stanky Leg was beyond all follishness and fu%kery, then comes the Hallie Berry, the Ricky Bobbie and know this foolishness the Hit dat hoe.

    See this is why a kid in my bff 5th grade glass said that Adolf Hitler started the underground railroad, only to be corrected by another student who called him stupid and said Hitler freed the slaves.

    I dont know who to blame for this ish.

    • The Dutchess

      @JamaicanGirl,

      Greatest thing was how Mr. Hit Dat Hoe rolled up outta the grand prix like it was a Bugatti Coupe or a Maybach 62. Please get your cousins ma’am.

      • Me fail english?

        @The Dutchess,

        Word. He woulda been better off just walking outta someone’s backyard. I couldn’t even make it all the way through that wack ass video

    • V Renee

      @JamaicanGirl,

      “See this is why a kid in my bff 5th grade glass said that Adolf Hitler started the underground railroad, only to be corrected by another student who called him stupid and said Hitler freed the slaves. ” .

      I weep for our kids.

    • http://nianaturally.blogspot.com N.I.A. fabuloussince82….

      @JamaicanGirl,
      See this is why a kid in my bff 5th grade glass said that Adolf Hitler started the underground railroad, only to be corrected by another student who called him stupid and said Hitler freed the slaves.

      This is just a shame. My mom went back to the classroom last year, and she says those kids don’t know anything unless it’s something they’ve heard on the radio or seen on 106 & Park. smh @ Hitler freed the slaves. Poor child was soooo far off the mark, but actually believed he was right….

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      @JamaicanGirl,

      See this is why a kid in my bff 5th grade glass said that Adolf Hitler started the underground railroad, only to be corrected by another student who called him stupid and said Hitler freed the slaves.

      like gemmies breath, this makes me laugh, wince, and cry at the same time

      • http://www.awesomelyluvvie.com Luvvie

        @The Champ,

        “like gemmies breath, this makes me laugh, wince, and cry at the same time”

        I really hatechu for making me cackle. Now the 2520s at my job lookin at me funny

    • http://hunnybeezhive.blogspot.com Beez

      @JamaicanGirl,

      … and the children are supposed to be our future, according to Whitney? Methinks we should go back to teaching the kids “Life, for Dummies.”

    • mssmtaylor

      @JamaicanGirl,

      “See this is why a kid in my bff 5th grade glass said that Adolf Hitler started the underground railroad, only to be corrected by another student who called him stupid and said Hitler freed the slaves”

      Thats pretty sad.

  • superwoman

    okay, where in hell did you get that namata dude from????? trauma, trauma, trauma, trauma…and i can tell he’s from our beloved continent, heysh… just letting down the side!

    if you’re going to clone him, you MUST clone sweet idris elba as compensation… then have the original take an extended tour of southern africa….specifically the parts where i reside.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      @superwoman,

      and by “specifically the parts where i reside.” you mean “my parts, specifically” right?

      • superwoman

        @The Champ, tee hee!

  • superwoman

    i’ve just watched the hit that ho and both namata videos, and it reminded me of something a friend said when south africa first got free, but the ad industry was slow to catch on… or perhaps they were resistant to the inevitable….

    the way black people were depicted in TV ads was so degrading, embarrassing, just f*cking ridiculous – a friend of mine was convinced that the ad industry was the last kick of the dying apartheid horse – she was always, always ‘there’s a conspiracy to make black people look stupid on t.v.’ – and looking at the ads, you had to agree….

    this is the kind of feeling i’m getting when i watched those videos… just shaking my head in chagrin…

    my people, my people…. batho baka, batho baka…..

    WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?????????????

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      @superwoman,

      vsb.com: where south africans say poignant south african things

      • Laneianna

        @The Champ,

        Do they actually have black people in South Africa?? ( lol! this really is a personal inside joke… went to S. Africa in 2003… to my surprize.. didnt see very many blk people)

        • YGB

          @Laneianna,
          where the fvck did you go?the majority of the population is black.someone lied 2 u about u being in south africa!

        • superwoman

          @Laneianna, cape town doesn’t count, sweetie….they keep the blacks tucked far, far away in that hellhole masquerading as the french riviera/monte carlo… i spit on cape town!

          whenever i see african americans in cape town, i’m so tempted to run up to them and be like ‘no, no, no – you were supposed to get off at the stop BEFORE this one! when they said welcome to Johannesburg, we are now landing at O.R. Tambo International…. THAT is where you should’ve jumped out!!’

  • Selah

    Shocked and appalled… I am shocked and appalled at Mr. Hit that Hoe and the other two dudes.

    Gee Willikers. lol

  • shay-d-lady

    Umm I am from Memphis and f!ck you for trying to credit us with oj nothin about that wack a$$ ninja says memphis. Now we put down a lot of foolishness but I draw the line there I don’t know where he is from I believe he is the hoods frakenstein hybrid of plies and gucci mayne

    • Humble_One

      @shay-d-lady,

      Own your ish. If I have to deal with “It’s so cold in the D” you can deal with OJ “murry not mauri” da juiceman.

      • Me fail english?

        @Humble_One,

        Bite your tongue! That was a hit! I’m getting hair just like that chick for the summer :)

    • AkShone

      You tell’em, Shady! In all honesty, though…I thought he was from M-town, too…specifically South Memphis.