The Dos And Don’ts Of Coed Flag Football With Bougie Black People » VSB

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The Dos And Don’ts Of Coed Flag Football With Bougie Black People

Last weekend, Pittsburgh tricked us into thinking winter was over by giving us consecutive 70 degree days. This included a spectacular 78 degree day on Saturday; the memory of which makes the 29 degree morning we’re currently experiencing particularly cruel. Fuck you, Pittsburgh.

Fortunately, Saturday also happened to be the day a flag football game was scheduled to be played, organized by a group of bougie Black Pittsburghers (and former Pittsburghers who happened to be in town that weekend). Approximately 30 people showed up, and fun was had by all. And by “all” I mean “most.” Because some people are competitive assholes who don’t really consider this type of experience to be super fun unless his team wins. And by “some people” I mean “me.”

Anyway, I know you all are thinking the same thing: Damon, what are the dos and don’ts of playing coed flag football with a bunch of Bougie Black People? Let’s see.

Do make sure you choose an area that has suitable seating arrangements

If you’re playing with a group of Bougie Black People, assume that at least 20% of the people who show up will be there just to watch. Some will bring dogs, some will bring iPads, some will bring lobster salad (???), and all will be there because “being somewhere where other Bougie Black People happen to be” is the Bougie Black Person’s favorite activity.

Also…

Do make sure this suitable seating arrangement has some sort of shade

Because, Black people.

Do have a “silent auction” when choosing teams

Although just choosing teams the way you do when playing any other sport is the most efficient, things have to be altered a bit when dealing with a bunch of adults with Audi-sized egos. Basically, even though some people are very obviously going to be the last picks, that information doesn’t need to be broadcast to everyone. Because people get in their feelings. And when Bougie Black People get in their feelings, they go on Facebook and post and tag the most unflattering pictures of other people possible. So, choose captains, and have those captains have a private conversation where they choose the teams.

Don’t be Lebron

If you do happen to be one of the captains, make sure the teams are even. Although it might be tempting to choose all the people you know can catch and run and Crossfit and shit, The Dream Team vs All The People Who Kept Falling On The Dance Floor At The Last NSBE Conference Semi-Formal won’t be any fun for anyone.

If you’re a captain and your wife happens to be there, do make sure to make her the first woman you choose on your team

Because, marriage.

But, if you don’t choose her first because there’s another woman there who’s basically a flag football semi-pro and you want to make sure she’s on your team, do make sure to make your wife the second woman you pick. Also, do make sure to lead her to believe she was the first woman you picked.  

Because, marriage.

Don’t not compete, but don’t be too competitive

Because of the, um, “athletic diversity” present when bringing a bunch of Bougie Black People together, you’re going to have some people running post patterns and devising zone blitzes…and some people checking texts and taking selfies while they’re supposed to be blocking the zone blitz. Optimally, you find the happy medium where you’re competing to win while also realizing that it’s really not all that serious.

Do be self-aware

If you’ve never thrown a football more than 15 yards without it looking like a headless duck, now is not the time to demand to be quarterback. If the last time you sprinted was for a bus in 2012 (and you missed it), now is not the time to decide to guard the chick who ran the 200 and 400 in college. If your hands are basically just another pair of feet, now is not the time to run fly patterns and call for the ball.

Don’t be creepy. Just grab the damn flag

You know that guy who always seems to grab and wrestle the women carrying the football when just grabbing the damn flag is easier and more appropriate? And the chick who, instead of grabbing the damn flag, always seems to do eggplant checks? Don’t be those people. Just grab the damn flag

If single, do use this as an opportunity meet potential prospects. Don’t, however, flirt so openly that every. single. person. there can see you doing it

You really can’t create a better environment for vetting potential mates. Where else are you going to see how self-important they happen to be, how competitive/sportsmanlike they happen to be, and how in-shape they happen to be all at one time? How else are you going to see that some guy you’re interested in has never caught a ball before in his life, which probably means he never played any sports, which means he probably missed out on a huge socialization process for American males, which means your dad and brothers will definitely hate him? Where else are you going to see that the woman you’ve been talking to gets all annoyed and pouty after chipping a nail, which probably means she’s a humorless drag, which means your dad and brothers and mom and sisters will definitely hate her?

Oh, and everyone’s wearing athletic gear, so you can, um, see things you wouldn’t normally see.

Still, while the opportunities are obvious, don’t make your attempt at taking advantage of these opportunities too obvious. Because everyone will notice. And it’ll make everyone awkward. And then everyone will secretly start referring to you as The Thirstmonster or Thirstin Howl or Thirsty McThot or Thirstin Fried Rice.

Do have fun

Especially if you’re in Pittsburgh. Because this might be the last time you see this many Black people at the same time in six months.

(Image via Danese Kenon) 

Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a columnist for GQ.com And he's working on a book of essays to be published by Ecco (HarperCollins). Damon is busy. He lives in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes. Reach him at damon@verysmartbrothas.com. Or don't. Whatever.

  • This is so funny…and so true. :-)

    • Damon Young

      flag football unites

  • miss t-lee

    29 degrees this morning? This close to May?
    Bless your heart.

    • Damon Young

      I know, I know. I thought I was done with topcoats. I thought wrong.

      • Sigma_Since 93

        But you work from home mayne. Walking over the Clemente bridge this morning was brutal.

        • Damon Young

          still, had to drive the wife person to work this morning. the walk from our building to the parking lot was brutal

      • miss t-lee

        So sorry.

    • uNk

      Right!!
      #WestCoastChillin

      • miss t-lee

        Texas chillin’…but yeah.
        Nowhere near 29 degrees…lol

        • AlwaysCC

          my sister laughed at me because i wore a long sleeved dress, tights, and my riding boots yesterday. the high was 70 degrees lol i was still cold

          • miss t-lee

            Yikes.

            • AlwaysCC

              it was a cotton dress and thin tights! lol she told me i was being ridiculous – but eye. was. cold!

              • miss t-lee

                70 would equal shorts and sandals, but that’s me…lol

                • AlwaysCC

                  the high was 70 – it was cool for much of the day. and i grew up in south florida sooooo 70 is like winter weather (even though i haven’t lived there in years)

                  • miss t-lee

                    South Florida? Say no more…lol

          • Sigma_Since 93

            GNC sells iron pills in a slow release capsule.

            • Lea Thrace

              shady boots!

            • AlwaysCC

              maaaaaan whatever lol if the sun isn’t out, there is nothing warm about 70 degrees. it may be warmER than other places, but it is not hot by any means.

            • Ms TLC

              LMAO!!!!!!!

    • It’s a beautiful breezy 65 in Chucktown right now.

      • miss t-lee

        74 and cloudy.

      • DG

        I do miss that weather down there.

    • Val

      I realize most people won’t understand this but as a person living in Northern California I miss cold weather and rain. I really, really miss the rain.

      • KMN

        Val i understand…you miss the rain like we in Wisconsin miss warm weather…i hope yall get some rain soon because Cali is gonna mess around and blow away it’s gonna be so dusty…i don’t know why we couldn’t just transport all that east coast snow to y’all…there’s GOT to be a way to make that happen

        • Val

          Yeah, they need to start building a pipeline from the East Coast to pump all that snow run-off. Lol

          • KMN

            i’m just saying…if they can do it with oil i dont know why they cant do it with water
            or snow…whatevs lmao

      • Andrea

        Arizona will have you missin some rain. It took me a year for my brain to get….ooooh that’s what a desert is.

        • Val

          Don’t they have monsoon season in Arizona?

          • Andrea

            I experienced like two days in February that literally went Drip drop, drip drippity drop, Drip drop, drip drippity drop.
            Fin.

            • Val

              Oh, well that sounds like the rain we get here. Just a few drops.

              • It hasn’t stopped raining here since April of 2013.

                • Val

                  lol@ you Hottodding about the rain there

                  • It’s a good and bad thing. Hurricane season starts in a few weeks and the ground being extra soft isn’t very idea.

      • miss t-lee

        It was a monsoon this morning, completely with flash flooding, but not cold.

        • Val

          Send it this way!

          • miss t-lee

            We’re in a drought sitch too, wish we would spare some…lol

      • Charlisia Nwachukwu

        we had 8 days of it in Atlanta last week and its coming back .. I will rain dance it your way. *Grabs Rain stick and feathers*

  • We’re zone blitzing in flag football?

    • Damon Young

      when one of the quarterbacks was a wide receiver at Pitt, you have to be creative when stopping him.

      • Okay that makes perfect sense. Okay but how do you QB with some WRs (male and female) who have no hands and you don’t want a Marsha Brady situation? Throwing them Peyton Manning ducks?

        • Damon Young

          i think you might be thinking too hard

          • Nice to meet you Damon, my name is Malik.

            • Damon Young

              tu motherf*ckin shea

      • Epsilonicus

        Exactly. Always play zone when you got one of those kinds of athletes

        • Sigma_Since 93

          You gotta hope he doesn’t outrun the zone. I’m throwing crossing patterns.

          • Epsilonicus

            Im the dude that turns a crossing pattern into a 50 yard gain.

      • That zone blitz failed miserably though… *Kanye Shrug*

        • Damon Young

          it worked when we did it right. that one time

    • I’d send at least one person after the QB every play. #thisaintnotennismatch

    • Andrea

      Can you get CTE from this? Yeah. Maybe I will just start jogging again.

      • If we’re tackling with our heads yeah.

        • Andrea

          I’m fixin to get me a helmet then. The news has you scared you gonna catch the cte.

    • Nicholas Peters

      Cloud Cover 3 with a Fire Zone Blitz…

  • Sigma_Since 93

    No guide on how to dress or does this fall into the trying not to try bucket?

    • Epsilonicus

      All your best Under Armour gear you haven’t worked out in yet

      • Sigma_Since 93

        With the Eric Dickerson mouthpiece and Nike cleats.

        • Epsilonicus

          Gear fresh as a motha but aint worked out in a year!

          • Charlisia Nwachukwu

            LOL. I have this problem.. If I show up cute I barely sweat but when I look “gym homeless” though.. I kill it.

        • Epsilonicus

          I hate the folks who come to the gym all fashioned out. Like really. I go to this boxing class sometimes and the person will have the long hand wraps, three kinds of gloves, two types of boxing shoes, hand pads. I am like dude, this is unnecessary.

  • Yellow Tail

    As I walked to work this morning I literally wanted to fight the weather.

    I’ve thought about participating in organized sports as an adult but it pales in comparison to the comradery I had playing sports growing up. I played mostly because I got to see my friends everyday and we bonded through all of our losses, wins, and grueling practices. I just don’t see myself being able to duplicate this. However, I can see this as a good way to get some exercise and it can be fun if you’re actually playing with friends.

    • Epsilonicus

      I felt the same way until I got into martial arts.

      • Sigma_Since 93

        I felt this way until I ruptured my achilles. Now I lift, run on the elliptical, and volunteer coach the middle school track team.

        • Yellow Tail

          I’ve seriously thought about coaching middle or elementary school lacrosse. You don’t see many black women doing it and it’s a fast growing sport.

          • Cleojonz

            Word, because a black kid playing basketball is like a dime a dozen. It’s really catching on for black kids here. I keep telling people black kids in alternative sports (lacrosse, field hockey, golf, swim) equals better scholarship opportunities.

            • Yellow Tail

              Yes! I’ve had bosses tell me they sign up their kids for hockey, baseball, soccer, etc. not so they can be pros but so they can get scholarships for college. Playing unique sports or instruments (picking the oboe or bassoon instead of violin or saxophone) is a great way to get scholarships.

              • Anachronistic1

                Bassoonist here! Hated that damn thing and being forced to play it. But it got me into the small, private Massachusetts PWI of my parents’ dreams with a great financial package.

                • Sigma_Since 93

                  My sons play golf and my oldest son caddies. The golf course he works at has a scholarship that can be used at any Big 10 School as long as he caddies in school.

              • jbm

                I highly recommend exposing black kids to soccer and lacrosse early. My 11 year old daughter’s soccer coach has sent 16 kids to college on full ride scholarships.

            • DBoySlim

              My brothers and I played hockey and baseball when we were young and my sister figure skated and played violin. Exposure is key.

          • AlwaysCC

            i have some friends who used to referee high school lacrosse games. they played in high school, and i believe some in college. they were the ONLY black guys doing that lol

          • Sigma_Since 93

            Depending on where you live (NY,NJ,MD) you will find brothas / sistas playing lacrosse. I wish Morgan State’s team never folded; it would have been a nice feeder system.

            • Everywhere in long island.

              • Sigma_Since 93

                Long Island is where Upstate New York high school lacrosse teams dreams of winning states goto die.

                • Yellow Tail

                  Yes…I’m a former Long Islander and lacrosse there is ELITE. You have parents there that pay thousands of dollars to have their kids go to special camps from when they’re 4 years old.

                  • Sigma_Since 93

                    It’s the same way upstate but our boys are always dealt a crushing blow every year at every classification. A cat from my HS went on to play at SU, be the player of the year, and now plays in the professional league they have.

                    LI has land for fields which is the biggest reason why there are no NYC teams.

            • Val

              Yep, Jim Brown and The Bunk played.

            • Epsilonicus

              MD has tons of brothers and sisters playing lacrosse.

          • Ms TLC

            My younger cousin is doing Lacrosse as well as BBall…she just an athlete at heart.

      • Yellow Tail

        I used to do jiu jitsu and quit because all my friends quit and it wasn’t fun for me anymore. I just really enjoy people huh?

  • Cleojonz

    “This included a spectacular 78 degree day on Saturday; the memory of which makes the 29 degree morning we’re currently experiencing particularly cruel.”

    It’s not as cold in CT as Pittsburgh this morning, but cold enough that I have the damned UGG boots back on that I thought I was done with for the season. Curse you unpredictable spring weather.

    • AlwaysCC

      i couldn’t help but laugh because i almost pulled out my Ugg-ish boots this morning…because it’s in the 60s lol

      • Cleojonz

        It’s in the 40s here and I am mad about it! Uggs, gloves and vest like it’s winter. Guess it’s a good thing I was too lazy to pack my stuff up and bring out the summer clothes last weekend.

        • AlwaysCC

          i generally have a disdain for any weather below 70 degrees. 40 degree weather in the last week of april could possibly drive me to homicidal behavior

          • Ms TLC

            Pretty much. I’m in CT also and I am SOO over it! Especially since we’ve been having such nice (no jacket)weather. For us thats 60’s+

            Yesterday It was hailing in Stamford and Bridgeport and my mom thought she saw snow here. Its 45 now and I put the F’ing heat on because my tolerance is LOW!

            • Cleojonz

              Hey fellow Nutmegger. I’m actually in Stamford. Small world huh? That hail was just too much. Yesterday was a really strange weather day.

              • Ms TLC

                Yes it is…lol! I know plenty of people from Stamford. I’m in Bloomfield

      • Charlisia Nwachukwu

        I don’t have uggs but I was going to say “damn.. I was complaining about it being 55 this morning and they still have snow”.. I should shut up. #lovingAtlanta

        • DBoySlim

          This is why I’m moving back to the A. I love Detroit but Michigan weather can kick rocks.

        • AlwaysCC

          i know, right?!?!?! lol #southernbelle

    • KMN

      shoot it SNOWED here the last couple of days in wisconsin…so yeah :(

      • Cleojonz

        noooo, I think I would have slit my wrists if that happened. Hail yesterday was bad enough.

        • KMN

          We had the hail too…it wasn’t enough snow to cover anything it was just the audacity of Mother Nature to allow it to snow lmao…

          I will say in Wisconsin though, in JUNE, in ONE DAY, I’ve seen sun, wind, clouds, hail, rain, sleet AND snow…

          On one day.
          In.
          June.

          Wisconsin is really just southern Canada lmao

      • Nicholas Peters

        …and that is why you don’t live in Wisconsin

  • GrimyLittlePimp

    How about don’t get to the line calling out “Omaha! Omaha! Nebraska!” like the rest of the team has any idea what the fuck you’re talking about, because they don’t.

    • Dougie

      No way! That’s totally necessary in pick up flag football.

      BLUE THIRTY TWOOOO, OMAHA OMAHA! NANCY! POLAND SPRING, SNAPPLE APPLE, HIKE!

      • GrimyLittlePimp

        *Heavy sigh* if you must. Just don’t be surprised when people start shouting out their hoods.

        RED THIRTY EIGHT! NORTHSIDE, HOMEWOOD, HIKE!

        • Dougie

          I’m here for all of that!

  • uNk

    “Don’t be creepy. Just grab the damn flag”
    Maaaaan there is always that one guy. Somehow he needs to wrangle her, spin like 3 times, stumble his feet a bit and all of a sudden the flag just flys off in there air…
    like bruh….

    • PunchDrunkLove

      McCreepy, the grime dog….it would be flag football without one

    • ChiChi

      I don’t think I’ve ever played a game of flag or touch football during which I didn’t get tackled at least once by some guy -_-

  • Dom Anthony

    Next time we will be victorious! *drops mike*

  • Charlisia Nwachukwu

    There is ALWAYS the one person that used to be a star player (Or so he says) in High School who takes it too seriously .. challenging plays … telling old tales of “I used to be” UGH!

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