Lists, Theory & Essay

D*mn, D*mn, D*mn James.

A long time ago (at least 6 years ago at this point), Panama was really feeling this chick. Panama was feeling her so much he kept referring to himself in third person because she’d done such a number on him.

I went all out for this chick. I’d go see her at every opportunity I could, which sucked because she lived in Baltimore and I was in DC, but oh well, for her, there was no mountain high enough.

Heck, there was no valley low enough to keep me from getting to her.

We’d go out and spend time together. I shared my feelings and she’d tell me how much she liked me. I held her hand and gazed into her eyes.

Ah. Bliss.

That was until I found out she was dating 3 other guys. Not only that, she found no need to tell me about it because she wasn’t dating me and we were “just friends”.

Fail.

I’m sure I don’t have to tell you how hurt I was. For one, I couldn’t figure out how she could be dating so many guys at one time. I mean she managed to spend significant time with all of us, even me, her “friend.” Apparently, she lived in a world with 25 hour days. Me no know.

Either way, I was baffled, befuddled, and ultimately heartbroken. Of course, I didn’t let her know that I wanted to run over her with a Mac truck 6 times then sprinkle sawdust and coconut slivers over her body was hurting. I did my best attempt to keep it moving but getting heartbroken is difficult. I couldn’t take my mind off the fact that I was dating somebody who had no clue. There’s nothing worse than finding out that what you thought you had didn’t exist. So I had to keep my mind distracted.

Since, I’m sure I’m not the only person to go through this, let me offer some advice on how to proceed should you ever find yourself in this predicament; a sort of, how to get over a person you thought you were dating when you’re the last person to find out you ain’t.

1. Refrain from wanting to Don’t do them bodily harm. Face it, you’d go to jail and you STILL wouldn’t be with them. It’s a lose-lose. Unless of course you can make it look like you had nothing to do with it, but I watch CSI. They’ll find you in less than 59 minutes every time.

2. Go sleep with a lot of date other people. I know this is hard to do considering, but really, this is the only way to truly get over a person. Unless of course you see them out somewhere (I did) at which point you will lose your new date because your demeanor and attitude will change and you’ll try to stab somebody. In fact, if you see them out, just tell your date that you’ve come down with the Herculean Crab Shakes and its best if you go home, pronto, because they really don’t want to know what happened last time.

3. Stop calling them like normal. It’s hard to because at the point you find out that you’re not dating you’re pretty much on cloud nine and treating them like the homie/lover/friend. Unfortunately, they treated you liked R. Kelly and pissed all over your Sunday. Pissy Sundays are the worst.

4. If they call to kick it go and kill them, respectfully decline and find something better to do. Sure you’d rather kick it, but really, what’s the point? Every date is a reminder that while you were making plans for the future, they were thinking about what to wear on their REAL date later on. Face it, you’ve already lost the battle, bub. On the other hand, it never hurts to hit (if you can, and you probably can) and then bounce on some, “yeah, I have to go wash clothes now” tip. Bitter? Sure. Satisfaction? You betcha.

Of course, you’ll probably cry in the car later. Or was that Red from Friday?

5.  Date one of their friends Just kind of fade them out. Sad to say but they’ll hate it and will probably come around (they ALWAYS come around) but like I said, if you have to resort to tactics, they’re not really who you need anyway.

Plus, if you fade somebody out of your life, it gives you more time to evaluate the situation and realize that you probably dodged a bullet because she’s fighting factors and genetics bigger than herself.

Zing!

So, good people of VSB, do you have any advice for a person who’s trying to get over a person they were never really dating in the first place?

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL, HE A 3 

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Panama Jackson

Panama Jackson is pretty fly for a light guy. He used to ship his frito to Tito in the District, but shipping prices increased so he moved there to save money. When he's not saving humanity with his words or making music with his mouth, you can find him at your mama's mama's house drinking her fine liquors. Most importantly, he believes the children are our future.

Previously

The G-Code.

  • jana.love

    cut out all contact. stop the facebook stalking, stop the myspace, stop the twittering and all else that goes with it. stop analyzing everything they post, thinking its about you! move on!

    and don’t attempt to be “friends” soon after.
    just. doesn’t. work.

  • jana.love

    cut out all contact. stop the facebook stalking, stop the myspace, stop the twittering and all else that goes with it. stop analyzing everything they post, thinking its about you! move on!

    and don’t attempt to be “friends” soon after.
    just. doesn’t. work.

  • iloVEGrits

    My answer to all of life’s problems:

    Start a work out regimen: train for a marathon, etc. You will look great and your dating sitch will surely improve.

    • Lili

      @iloVEGrits,
      SO true!

      • JamaicanGirl

        @Lili, With such words as “talking” you never truly know what your relationship status is.

        I mean what the heck does “were talking mean”?

        • http://myspace.com/shatani shatani

          @JamaicanGirl,

          i have NO idea! and i always ask too…my girls get annoyed with me about it. “oh im talkin to this guy” um…what does that mean. i talk to guys everyday! and i think they get annoyed because they dont know what it means either. which means they dont know where they stand.

          • iloVEGrits

            @shatani,

            lol. I haven’t said that since college. But I think it’s that initial stage where people first meet, then go on a date.

            I call it ‘getting to know each other’.

            Dating, for me, begins after we have established we like each other and want to see other often. There is a connection and we are working toward exclusivity. You meet the friends, etc.

            Coupledom is exclusive, meet the parents, etc.

            • http://myspace.com/shatani shatani

              @iloVEGrits,

              alright, im on board with your lingo now!

              i can honestly say, ive never used “talking to” before…i have a vague idea what it means. but i think vague is never the way to go when this is the subject! lol

            • http://myspace.com/shatani shatani

              @iloVEGrits,

              alright, im on board with your lingo now!

              i can honestly say, ive never used “talking to” before…i have a vague idea what it means. but i think vague is never the way to go when this is the subject! lol

          • iloVEGrits

            @shatani,

            lol. I haven’t said that since college. But I think it’s that initial stage where people first meet, then go on a date.

            I call it ‘getting to know each other’.

            Dating, for me, begins after we have established we like each other and want to see other often. There is a connection and we are working toward exclusivity. You meet the friends, etc.

            Coupledom is exclusive, meet the parents, etc.

          • Gem-nasty

            LOL i use this terminology. we’re not dating, but i’m vetting him to see if he’s even worth my company in public (some negroes need to be screened first) or worth pursuing more dates with.

            like VEG said, it’s the “getting to know you phase”. even if i go out on a few dates with a guy and things are inconclusive as to whether i see it going any further, we might just be “talking” lol

            • http://myspace.com/shatani shatani

              @Gem-nasty,

              sounds like youre in negotiations!

            • http://myspace.com/shatani shatani

              @Gem-nasty,

              sounds like youre in negotiations!

            • Gem-nasty

              exactly!!! can’t just be with any ol’ body lol

            • Gem-nasty

              exactly!!! can’t just be with any ol’ body lol

            • http://mysixcents.wordpress.com klysha

              @Gem-nasty, I like Vetting…I’m gone use that!

            • http://mysixcents.wordpress.com klysha

              @Gem-nasty, I like Vetting…I’m gone use that!

          • Gem-nasty

            LOL i use this terminology. we’re not dating, but i’m vetting him to see if he’s even worth my company in public (some negroes need to be screened first) or worth pursuing more dates with.

            like VEG said, it’s the “getting to know you phase”. even if i go out on a few dates with a guy and things are inconclusive as to whether i see it going any further, we might just be “talking” lol

        • http://myspace.com/shatani shatani

          @JamaicanGirl,

          i have NO idea! and i always ask too…my girls get annoyed with me about it. “oh im talkin to this guy” um…what does that mean. i talk to guys everyday! and i think they get annoyed because they dont know what it means either. which means they dont know where they stand.

        • ofloveandotherdemons

          @JamaicanGirl,
          I’m with you. This phrase and the terms wifey, my shawty make me want to retch and then scratch whoever uttered them eyeballs out. WTF, ‘we are talking.’ Really, really now. Pox on you.

          • http://myspace.com/shatani shatani

            @ofloveandotherdemons,

            you seem to have a real pox fixation today! lmao

            • ofloveandotherdemons

              @shatani,
              Haahhaa, yup!!! It’s my favorite phrase of the month.

            • ofloveandotherdemons

              @shatani,
              Haahhaa, yup!!! It’s my favorite phrase of the month.

          • http://myspace.com/shatani shatani

            @ofloveandotherdemons,

            you seem to have a real pox fixation today! lmao

        • ofloveandotherdemons

          @JamaicanGirl,
          I’m with you. This phrase and the terms wifey, my shawty make me want to retch and then scratch whoever uttered them eyeballs out. WTF, ‘we are talking.’ Really, really now. Pox on you.

        • mssmtaylor

          @JamaicanGirl,

          “were talking mean”?

          Exactly!!!!

        • mssmtaylor

          @JamaicanGirl,

          “were talking mean”?

          Exactly!!!!

      • JamaicanGirl

        @Lili, With such words as “talking” you never truly know what your relationship status is.

        I mean what the heck does “were talking mean”?

    • Lili

      @iloVEGrits,
      SO true!

    • Blue Skyez

      @iloVEGrits,
      “Start a work out regimen: train for a marathon, etc. You will look great and your dating sitch will surely improve.”

      I agree. I started with a personal trainer. Went from a size 9/10 to size 7/8. My goal is 5/6 at 5’10” tall. I don’t know if my dating sitch has improved, but my mood, body tone, life outlook definitely has. Exercise makes those happy feeling endorphins kick in!

    • Blue Skyez

      @iloVEGrits,
      “Start a work out regimen: train for a marathon, etc. You will look great and your dating sitch will surely improve.”

      I agree. I started with a personal trainer. Went from a size 9/10 to size 7/8. My goal is 5/6 at 5’10” tall. I don’t know if my dating sitch has improved, but my mood, body tone, life outlook definitely has. Exercise makes those happy feeling endorphins kick in!

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      @iloVEGrits,

      Start a work out regimen: train for a marathon, etc.

      honestly, this is some of the best dating advice you can give a person, for myriad reasons i won’t get into right now and sh*t

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      @iloVEGrits,

      Start a work out regimen: train for a marathon, etc.

      honestly, this is some of the best dating advice you can give a person, for myriad reasons i won’t get into right now and sh*t

  • iloVEGrits

    My answer to all of life’s problems:

    Start a work out regimen: train for a marathon, etc. You will look great and your dating sitch will surely improve.

  • http://myspace.com/shatani shatani

    is this really that common an occurance? why dont people ask questions?? “are we dating?” would be a good start…

    and herculean crab shakes? im done! lmao!

    • iloVEGrits

      @shatani,

      “is this really that common an occurance? ”

      yeah. lol.
      I think people don’t want to ask cuz they don’t wanna know. The truth hurts.

      • shay-d-lady

        @iloVEGrits, exactly and then they look at you crazy when you give them advice that says find out your status…

      • shay-d-lady

        @iloVEGrits, exactly and then they look at you crazy when you give them advice that says find out your status…

      • overit

        @iloVEGrits, i was just talking to some very smart sistas about this last night. people need to be CLEAR about things from jump.

        ps) i would expound, but my bed is callin me..

      • overit

        @iloVEGrits, i was just talking to some very smart sistas about this last night. people need to be CLEAR about things from jump.

        ps) i would expound, but my bed is callin me..

      • SouthernGirl

        @iloVEGrits,

        while the truth does sometimes hurt, i find that i don’t ask what we are doing unless i know what i want. i can’t ask him what he wants us to be if i’m not sure, i.e. we’ve been going out but i don’t feel it, i want a relationship, etc. when i do ask, if we’re not on the same page, cool. throw up the deuces and keep it movin’.

      • SouthernGirl

        @iloVEGrits,

        while the truth does sometimes hurt, i find that i don’t ask what we are doing unless i know what i want. i can’t ask him what he wants us to be if i’m not sure, i.e. we’ve been going out but i don’t feel it, i want a relationship, etc. when i do ask, if we’re not on the same page, cool. throw up the deuces and keep it movin’.

    • iloVEGrits

      @shatani,

      “is this really that common an occurance? ”

      yeah. lol.
      I think people don’t want to ask cuz they don’t wanna know. The truth hurts.

    • Me fail english?

      @shatani,

      word. I didn’t even know this stuff happened!

      I feel like as long as we didn’t have the official talk and you express to me that we’re exclusively in a rel’ship, I will date as much as possible and assume you are doing the same. I hate when ninjas get all in my biz with that “how many other guys are you seeing?” ish.

      Shut yo’ nosy arse up!

      • Blue Skyez

        @Me fail english?,

        It really annoys me that guys want to be the only guy you’re dating while they exercise all their options. RUBBISH! They don’t want to come clean about whether they want exclusivity yet they want all the benefits (chex and loyalty) that comes along with it. BASURA!

        • Me fail english?

          @Blue Skyez,
          lol. And I *heart* you for “BASURA!”

          That’s exactly why the question pisses me off. You already know the answer to that and you’re just gonna get all ghey about it so why not just shut yer piehole!!!

        • Me fail english?

          @Blue Skyez,
          lol. And I *heart* you for “BASURA!”

          That’s exactly why the question pisses me off. You already know the answer to that and you’re just gonna get all ghey about it so why not just shut yer piehole!!!

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

          @Blue Skyez,

          basura deez.

          i dont even know what that meant, but it sounded good

          • Me fail english?

            @The Champ,
            basura=garbage.

            “Basura deez?” If only we could…

          • Me fail english?

            @The Champ,
            basura=garbage.

            “Basura deez?” If only we could…

          • BlueSkyez

            @The Champ,

            That’s just a little espanol. I’m too lazy to even put the squiggly above the “n” even.

          • BlueSkyez

            @The Champ,

            That’s just a little espanol. I’m too lazy to even put the squiggly above the “n” even.

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

          @Blue Skyez,

          basura deez.

          i dont even know what that meant, but it sounded good

      • Blue Skyez

        @Me fail english?,

        It really annoys me that guys want to be the only guy you’re dating while they exercise all their options. RUBBISH! They don’t want to come clean about whether they want exclusivity yet they want all the benefits (chex and loyalty) that comes along with it. BASURA!

    • Me fail english?

      @shatani,

      word. I didn’t even know this stuff happened!

      I feel like as long as we didn’t have the official talk and you express to me that we’re exclusively in a rel’ship, I will date as much as possible and assume you are doing the same. I hate when ninjas get all in my biz with that “how many other guys are you seeing?” ish.

      Shut yo’ nosy arse up!

  • http://myspace.com/shatani shatani

    is this really that common an occurance? why dont people ask questions?? “are we dating?” would be a good start…

    and herculean crab shakes? im done! lmao!

  • Ms. Hall

    And Champ said you didn’t have a heart. Aawww.

    @Panama,

    Why coconut slivers? I think the answer could increase my hood quotient.

    I have to agree with shantani. I’d have asked questions to be certain about our status. DC to Charm City is a hike.

    I’d really like to know how she juggled three men. I’m actually in awe, a bit. Amazing multi-tasking.

    • http://myspace.com/shatani shatani

      @Ms. Hall,

      i assumed she was unemployed and was, in fact, a professional girlfriend! lmao…cuz that takes skill!

    • http://myspace.com/shatani shatani

      @Ms. Hall,

      i assumed she was unemployed and was, in fact, a professional girlfriend! lmao…cuz that takes skill!

    • iloVEGrits

      @Ms. Hall,

      “I’d really like to know how she juggled three men. I’m actually in awe, a bit. ”

      Yeah…two I could see. But three? She should write some sort of how-to-book. lol.

      • Gem-nasty

        LOL!! i can barely keep up with my actual friends as is, somebody is always getting left out or looked over. dating (but not really lol) 3 guys at once would not work for me. it’d make my brain hurt tryna keep up lol

      • Gem-nasty

        LOL!! i can barely keep up with my actual friends as is, somebody is always getting left out or looked over. dating (but not really lol) 3 guys at once would not work for me. it’d make my brain hurt tryna keep up lol

    • iloVEGrits

      @Ms. Hall,

      “I’d really like to know how she juggled three men. I’m actually in awe, a bit. ”

      Yeah…two I could see. But three? She should write some sort of how-to-book. lol.

    • Lili

      @Ms. Hall,

      But you know…that girl was smart. You have to be active in the dating world nowadays. You don’t have to share your body with multiple (if any) partners, but if you’re single, heeeey: you’re allowed to date multiple people. Guys do it all the time while many girls date one guy at a time with no commitment, hoping for the best.

      One of my friends starting dating that way at the start of 2009. She has about 3 dudes on the roster, and 1 is absolutely fabulous. When he steps up and says he wants to make it official, she’ll cut off the rest (she says she just keeping them around to keep herself from falling too deep in case things don’t progress like she hopes). That’s how you have to play it. You have better luck that way!

      • http://myspace.com/shatani shatani

        @Lili,

        guess it most certainly is a numbers game!

      • http://myspace.com/shatani shatani

        @Lili,

        guess it most certainly is a numbers game!

    • Lili

      @Ms. Hall,

      But you know…that girl was smart. You have to be active in the dating world nowadays. You don’t have to share your body with multiple (if any) partners, but if you’re single, heeeey: you’re allowed to date multiple people. Guys do it all the time while many girls date one guy at a time with no commitment, hoping for the best.

      One of my friends starting dating that way at the start of 2009. She has about 3 dudes on the roster, and 1 is absolutely fabulous. When he steps up and says he wants to make it official, she’ll cut off the rest (she says she just keeping them around to keep herself from falling too deep in case things don’t progress like she hopes). That’s how you have to play it. You have better luck that way!

    • Me fail english?

      @Ms. Hall,

      3 aint impossible. It just becomes a pain in the ass when you find yourself constantly on the phone or on a date when sometimes all you really want is a nap. When I was single I’d purposely try to date a few guys at a time to ensure I wasn’t seeing too much of any one of ’em. That way I wouldn’t get prematurely bored or annoyed.

      • miss t-lee

        @Me fail english?,
        Yep 3 isn’t hard at all…5 isn’t even difficult…
        Now that I’m reformed I don’t even see how I used to keep up with everyone. Awwww…youth.

      • miss t-lee

        @Me fail english?,
        Yep 3 isn’t hard at all…5 isn’t even difficult…
        Now that I’m reformed I don’t even see how I used to keep up with everyone. Awwww…youth.

    • Me fail english?

      @Ms. Hall,

      3 aint impossible. It just becomes a pain in the ass when you find yourself constantly on the phone or on a date when sometimes all you really want is a nap. When I was single I’d purposely try to date a few guys at a time to ensure I wasn’t seeing too much of any one of ’em. That way I wouldn’t get prematurely bored or annoyed.

    • Happy Meal

      @Ms. Hall,

      “I’d really like to know how she juggled three men. I’m actually in awe, a bit. Amazing multi-tasking.”

      I so feel you…I have a friend that will juggle not three dates..but three BOYfriends i.e. “exclusive” relationships…I still don’t know how she does it, especially since one of them was living with her at the time…

      • Blue Skyez

        @Happy Meal,

        “I so feel you…I have a friend that will juggle not three dates..but three BOYfriends i.e. “exclusive” relationships…I still don’t know how she does it, especially since one of them was living with her at the time…”

        I’m thinking about trying the 2-3 boyfriend thing so I could make up for all the time that I have been single. As soon as this semester is over (school is my man now) and summer starts I’m going to date visciously to catch up! ::insert manically laugh here::

        • Blue Skyez

          @Blue Skyez,

          that’s maniacal. LOL.

        • Blue Skyez

          @Blue Skyez,

          that’s maniacal. LOL.

        • http://www.myspce.com/tanishah SxyScientst

          @Blue Skyez,
          Get out of my head! That was my plan too! ::aaahhhaahahahahaha:: May 16th, world watch out!

        • http://www.myspce.com/tanishah SxyScientst

          @Blue Skyez,
          Get out of my head! That was my plan too! ::aaahhhaahahahahaha:: May 16th, world watch out!

        • Happy Meal

          @Blue Skyez,
          “I’m thinking about trying the 2-3 boyfriend thing so I could make up for all the time that I have been single.”

          Hey…If you can manage to pull it off, check back in and offer a course n ish…I’m intrigued… Now I can “talk to” a whole city worth of people at one time…but a “serious” relationship with one person is a full time job already..the economy ain’t so bad for me to be adding two more naamean?

          • BlueSkyez

            @Happy Meal,

            It’s just going to be an experiment that I will like to see if I could pull off. I will let people know whether I crash and burn or what. lol! I just have to make sure these guys are not psycho or anything cause it can get dangerous!

          • BlueSkyez

            @Happy Meal,

            It’s just going to be an experiment that I will like to see if I could pull off. I will let people know whether I crash and burn or what. lol! I just have to make sure these guys are not psycho or anything cause it can get dangerous!

        • Happy Meal

          @Blue Skyez,
          “I’m thinking about trying the 2-3 boyfriend thing so I could make up for all the time that I have been single.”

          Hey…If you can manage to pull it off, check back in and offer a course n ish…I’m intrigued… Now I can “talk to” a whole city worth of people at one time…but a “serious” relationship with one person is a full time job already..the economy ain’t so bad for me to be adding two more naamean?

      • Blue Skyez

        @Happy Meal,

        “I so feel you…I have a friend that will juggle not three dates..but three BOYfriends i.e. “exclusive” relationships…I still don’t know how she does it, especially since one of them was living with her at the time…”

        I’m thinking about trying the 2-3 boyfriend thing so I could make up for all the time that I have been single. As soon as this semester is over (school is my man now) and summer starts I’m going to date visciously to catch up! ::insert manically laugh here::

    • Happy Meal

      @Ms. Hall,

      “I’d really like to know how she juggled three men. I’m actually in awe, a bit. Amazing multi-tasking.”

      I so feel you…I have a friend that will juggle not three dates..but three BOYfriends i.e. “exclusive” relationships…I still don’t know how she does it, especially since one of them was living with her at the time…

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      @Ms. Hall,

      I’d really like to know how she juggled three men.

      some women have really big hands

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      @Ms. Hall,

      I’d really like to know how she juggled three men.

      some women have really big hands

  • Ms. Hall

    And Champ said you didn’t have a heart. Aawww.

    @Panama,

    Why coconut slivers? I think the answer could increase my hood quotient.

    I have to agree with shantani. I’d have asked questions to be certain about our status. DC to Charm City is a hike.

    I’d really like to know how she juggled three men. I’m actually in awe, a bit. Amazing multi-tasking.

  • Gem-nasty

    but I watch CSI. They’ll find you in less than 59 minutes every time this made me cackle unexpectedly.

    i’m with shat and ms. hall on the whole ask-and-thou-shall-receive-confirmation-on-your-dating-status sitch. ppl gotta be upfront about what they want and are looking for. that way if they tell you they just “wanna be friends” you can decide to be friendly or move on to the next.

    that being said, if you were supposedly dating somebody who was only friending you, you should use it as a learning experience and be sure to lay out your “where do we stand before i get too invested?” questions with the next person you want to get involved with.

    • iloVEGrits

      @Gem-nasty,

      “that being said, if you were supposedly dating somebody who was only friending you, you should use it as a learning experience ”

      Yeah. If this constantly happens to you – you are dating and they are friending – you need to look within.

      • http://myspace.com/shatani shatani

        @iloVEGrits,

        Amen Amen.

        i think its unfair to be mad at someone for not giving you what you wanted, when in fact you never asked them for anything….if you dont wanna be in the friend zone then lay your cards on the table. that way everyone is making informed decisions.

        • iloVEGrits

          @shatani,

          “lay your cards on the table.”

          You just have to be careful when you do this, though. Too soon and you look crazy. Too late in the game and you may have reached a point of no return, i.e. they just don’t see you as relationship material. A lot of it is really in the way you carry yourself/interact with the person from day 1.

          • http://myspace.com/shatani shatani

            @iloVEGrits,

            i dunno…i dont think its ever too soon to make your intentions known. if a dude says to me, “we gon’ get married!” on day one, thats a problem. if he says, “i would love to take you out on a date.” on day one, then that would be fabulous! at that point i can say, absolutely or no, thanks for whatever reasons i may have.

            if he comes with, oh we should hang out….thats not clear to me. i wont assume we’re going on a date, even if he pays for me. i have lots of male friends who pay for me, none of them are my man.

            the problem is that folks like to be intentionally vague so that they dont look pressed. so, when she refers to you as her friend, and it hurts like hell, you can pretend you knew that all along….and i really feel like that is pointless.

            • iloVEGrits

              @shatani,

              Being clear about asking someone on a date is one thing. But letting someone know you want to ‘date’ them – and I think there is a difference between going on a few dates and ‘dating’ – is not something you toss out after a few convos, imo.

            • iloVEGrits

              @shatani,

              Being clear about asking someone on a date is one thing. But letting someone know you want to ‘date’ them – and I think there is a difference between going on a few dates and ‘dating’ – is not something you toss out after a few convos, imo.

            • Gem-nasty

              shat, you and me are >here<

            • Gem-nasty

              shat, you and me are >here<

            • http://myspace.com/shatani shatani

              @shatani,

              i can concede that. but being clear about being “on a date” in the first place is where it starts. if its just hanging out and chillin and getting together and then all of a sudden you want to be exclusive, folks are really gonna see that as coming out of left field.

              but i guess the semantics count…cuz i feel like you can be “dating” many people at once. so, a man letting me know he wants to “date” me, means he wants to take me out and get to know me and see if we have a high couple quotient.

              but the way youre using it is, a couple thats already been through the beginning courting and are together. (right?) to be honest, if a man has that intention for me, i would like to know about it as early as possible. it takes two people to date, and if he cant handle my answer of, “well, i dont know you like that so i cant say the same just yet. lets go out and see.” well, then he can walk on by…

            • http://myspace.com/shatani shatani

              @shatani,

              i can concede that. but being clear about being “on a date” in the first place is where it starts. if its just hanging out and chillin and getting together and then all of a sudden you want to be exclusive, folks are really gonna see that as coming out of left field.

              but i guess the semantics count…cuz i feel like you can be “dating” many people at once. so, a man letting me know he wants to “date” me, means he wants to take me out and get to know me and see if we have a high couple quotient.

              but the way youre using it is, a couple thats already been through the beginning courting and are together. (right?) to be honest, if a man has that intention for me, i would like to know about it as early as possible. it takes two people to date, and if he cant handle my answer of, “well, i dont know you like that so i cant say the same just yet. lets go out and see.” well, then he can walk on by…

            • iloVEGrits

              @shatani,

              “if its just hanging out and chillin and getting together ”

              This part confuses me a wee bit. I don’t think I know any men who ask chicks to hang out just to, well, hang out, unless they know them already.

            • iloVEGrits

              @shatani,

              “if its just hanging out and chillin and getting together ”

              This part confuses me a wee bit. I don’t think I know any men who ask chicks to hang out just to, well, hang out, unless they know them already.

            • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

              @iloVEGrits

              Being clear about asking someone on a date is one thing. But letting someone know you want to ‘date’ them – and I think there is a difference between going on a few dates and ‘dating’ – is not something you toss out after a few convos, imo.

              good point. did you drink some smart juice this morning?

            • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

              @iloVEGrits

              Being clear about asking someone on a date is one thing. But letting someone know you want to ‘date’ them – and I think there is a difference between going on a few dates and ‘dating’ – is not something you toss out after a few convos, imo.

              good point. did you drink some smart juice this morning?

          • http://myspace.com/shatani shatani

            @iloVEGrits,

            i dunno…i dont think its ever too soon to make your intentions known. if a dude says to me, “we gon’ get married!” on day one, thats a problem. if he says, “i would love to take you out on a date.” on day one, then that would be fabulous! at that point i can say, absolutely or no, thanks for whatever reasons i may have.

            if he comes with, oh we should hang out….thats not clear to me. i wont assume we’re going on a date, even if he pays for me. i have lots of male friends who pay for me, none of them are my man.

            the problem is that folks like to be intentionally vague so that they dont look pressed. so, when she refers to you as her friend, and it hurts like hell, you can pretend you knew that all along….and i really feel like that is pointless.

          • Gem-nasty

            if you look crazy for wanting to know if a person is dating you or just sees you as a friend, then perhaps you shouldn’t wanna be with that person anyway. you don’t have to ask some one if they will marry you on date #2 or get the keys to their crib, but if you are going to invest any amount of time into dating them (like trekking long distance in this TET), it should be [crystal] CLEAR they are in turn dating you.

            • iloVEGrits

              @Gem-nasty,

              A person needs to get to know you before they decide if they are, in fact, interested in dating you. Hell, after two meals I would still consider someone a friend and I’d be put off if a guy asked me if we were dating after two meals or a meal and a movie, you get my drift.

              Now, after 5 dates and hand holding and deep eye gazes, we should be clear on what’s what.

              But after a dinner or two? I don’t think so.

              Maybe our definitions of dating are different?

            • iloVEGrits

              @Gem-nasty,

              A person needs to get to know you before they decide if they are, in fact, interested in dating you. Hell, after two meals I would still consider someone a friend and I’d be put off if a guy asked me if we were dating after two meals or a meal and a movie, you get my drift.

              Now, after 5 dates and hand holding and deep eye gazes, we should be clear on what’s what.

              But after a dinner or two? I don’t think so.

              Maybe our definitions of dating are different?

            • Gem-nasty

              no, our definitions are the same. but i think you’re assuming that when i say lay things on the line at the beginning is me saying you should ask somebody to sign a “i’m dating you and you’re dating me” contract after date 1 or 2. but at the point you’re frequently seeing some one, spending time with them, getting to know them (and perhaps their friends, family, etc) and wanting to go out of your way to do things for them, then it’s time to say “ok, what is this? where is this going?”

            • Gem-nasty

              no, our definitions are the same. but i think you’re assuming that when i say lay things on the line at the beginning is me saying you should ask somebody to sign a “i’m dating you and you’re dating me” contract after date 1 or 2. but at the point you’re frequently seeing some one, spending time with them, getting to know them (and perhaps their friends, family, etc) and wanting to go out of your way to do things for them, then it’s time to say “ok, what is this? where is this going?”

            • http://myspace.com/shatani shatani

              @Gem-nasty,

              i do think our definitions are differing….

              however, the “after 5 dates and hand holding and deep eye gazes, we should be clear on what’s what.” part is where this whole issue begins…

              what makes things clear at that point? people can date you and hold your hand and gaze deeply into your eyes and still be doing that with other folks. the only thing that makes it clear, is making it clear.

            • http://myspace.com/shatani shatani

              @Gem-nasty,

              i do think our definitions are differing….

              however, the “after 5 dates and hand holding and deep eye gazes, we should be clear on what’s what.” part is where this whole issue begins…

              what makes things clear at that point? people can date you and hold your hand and gaze deeply into your eyes and still be doing that with other folks. the only thing that makes it clear, is making it clear.

            • iloVEGrits

              @Gem-nasty,

              Actually, I think we fell apart at “when” to establish what’s what.

              You said “at the point you’re frequently seeing some one, spending time with them, getting to know them (and perhaps their friends, family, etc) and wanting to go out of your way to do things for them, then it’s time to say “ok, what is this? where is this going?'”

              And I said “Now, after 5 dates and hand holding and deep eye gazes, we should be clear on what’s what.”

              I think we are saying the same thing.

            • iloVEGrits

              @Gem-nasty,

              Actually, I think we fell apart at “when” to establish what’s what.

              You said “at the point you’re frequently seeing some one, spending time with them, getting to know them (and perhaps their friends, family, etc) and wanting to go out of your way to do things for them, then it’s time to say “ok, what is this? where is this going?'”

              And I said “Now, after 5 dates and hand holding and deep eye gazes, we should be clear on what’s what.”

              I think we are saying the same thing.

            • iloVEGrits

              @shatani,

              When I said “we should be clear on what’s what” I actually meant we should discuss whether or not we are dating or friending.

            • iloVEGrits

              @shatani,

              When I said “we should be clear on what’s what” I actually meant we should discuss whether or not we are dating or friending.

            • Gem-nasty

              @shatani

              i agree on the part about just ASSuming it is “what it is”. to use PJ as the example, he was thinking it was CLEAR they were dating. and CLEARLY they were NOT.

              @iloVEGrits,

              i honestly don’t think you can establish your intentions too early altho i’m saying it’s DEFINITELY necessary to establish what is going on many dates in. for me, i prefer a guy who asks me out on a date o express interest in getting to know me better by taking me out. if he just wants to “hang” and “chill” (as shat mentioned earlier) on some casual type tip but also tries to play boyfriend, then we’re gonna have a problem.

            • Gem-nasty

              @shatani

              i agree on the part about just ASSuming it is “what it is”. to use PJ as the example, he was thinking it was CLEAR they were dating. and CLEARLY they were NOT.

              @iloVEGrits,

              i honestly don’t think you can establish your intentions too early altho i’m saying it’s DEFINITELY necessary to establish what is going on many dates in. for me, i prefer a guy who asks me out on a date o express interest in getting to know me better by taking me out. if he just wants to “hang” and “chill” (as shat mentioned earlier) on some casual type tip but also tries to play boyfriend, then we’re gonna have a problem.

            • http://myspace.com/shatani shatani

              @Gem-nasty,

              thats exactly where im coming from, Gembalaya!

              i really dont think its too early. there can be no question about whether i was aware of what he wanted, because he told me. i think its okay if he wants to “date” me and says so when we first start “talking”….thats information i need.

              (see, i use the lingo! i hip, im with it! please feel free to assume asinine air quotes! lol)

            • http://myspace.com/shatani shatani

              @Gem-nasty,

              thats exactly where im coming from, Gembalaya!

              i really dont think its too early. there can be no question about whether i was aware of what he wanted, because he told me. i think its okay if he wants to “date” me and says so when we first start “talking”….thats information i need.

              (see, i use the lingo! i hip, im with it! please feel free to assume asinine air quotes! lol)

          • Gem-nasty

            if you look crazy for wanting to know if a person is dating you or just sees you as a friend, then perhaps you shouldn’t wanna be with that person anyway. you don’t have to ask some one if they will marry you on date #2 or get the keys to their crib, but if you are going to invest any amount of time into dating them (like trekking long distance in this TET), it should be [crystal] CLEAR they are in turn dating you.

        • iloVEGrits

          @shatani,

          “lay your cards on the table.”

          You just have to be careful when you do this, though. Too soon and you look crazy. Too late in the game and you may have reached a point of no return, i.e. they just don’t see you as relationship material. A lot of it is really in the way you carry yourself/interact with the person from day 1.

      • http://myspace.com/shatani shatani

        @iloVEGrits,

        Amen Amen.

        i think its unfair to be mad at someone for not giving you what you wanted, when in fact you never asked them for anything….if you dont wanna be in the friend zone then lay your cards on the table. that way everyone is making informed decisions.

    • iloVEGrits

      @Gem-nasty,

      “that being said, if you were supposedly dating somebody who was only friending you, you should use it as a learning experience ”

      Yeah. If this constantly happens to you – you are dating and they are friending – you need to look within.

  • Gem-nasty

    but I watch CSI. They’ll find you in less than 59 minutes every time this made me cackle unexpectedly.

    i’m with shat and ms. hall on the whole ask-and-thou-shall-receive-confirmation-on-your-dating-status sitch. ppl gotta be upfront about what they want and are looking for. that way if they tell you they just “wanna be friends” you can decide to be friendly or move on to the next.

    that being said, if you were supposedly dating somebody who was only friending you, you should use it as a learning experience and be sure to lay out your “where do we stand before i get too invested?” questions with the next person you want to get involved with.

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