A long time ago (at least 6 years ago at this point), Panama was really feeling this chick. Panama was feeling her so much he kept referring to himself in third person because she’d done such a number on him.
I went all out for this chick. I’d go see her at every opportunity I could, which sucked because she lived in Baltimore and I was in DC, but oh well, for her, there was no mountain high enough.
Heck, there was no valley low enough to keep me from getting to her.
We’d go out and spend time together. I shared my feelings and she’d tell me how much she liked me. I held her hand and gazed into her eyes.
Ah. Bliss.
That was until I found out she was dating 3 other guys. Not only that, she found no need to tell me about it because she wasn’t dating me and we were “just friends”.
Fail.
I’m sure I don’t have to tell you how hurt I was. For one, I couldn’t figure out how she could be dating so many guys at one time. I mean she managed to spend significant time with all of us, even me, her “friend.” Apparently, she lived in a world with 25 hour days. Me no know.
Either way, I was baffled, befuddled, and ultimately heartbroken. Of course, I didn’t let her know that I wanted to run over her with a Mac truck 6 times then sprinkle sawdust and coconut slivers over her body was hurting. I did my best attempt to keep it moving but getting heartbroken is difficult. I couldn’t take my mind off the fact that I was dating somebody who had no clue. There’s nothing worse than finding out that what you thought you had didn’t exist. So I had to keep my mind distracted.
Since, I’m sure I’m not the only person to go through this, let me offer some advice on how to proceed should you ever find yourself in this predicament; a sort of, how to get over a person you thought you were dating when you’re the last person to find out you ain’t.
1. Refrain from wanting to Don’t do them bodily harm. Face it, you’d go to jail and you STILL wouldn’t be with them. It’s a lose-lose. Unless of course you can make it look like you had nothing to do with it, but I watch CSI. They’ll find you in less than 59 minutes every time.
2. Go sleep with a lot of date other people. I know this is hard to do considering, but really, this is the only way to truly get over a person. Unless of course you see them out somewhere (I did) at which point you will lose your new date because your demeanor and attitude will change and you’ll try to stab somebody. In fact, if you see them out, just tell your date that you’ve come down with the Herculean Crab Shakes and its best if you go home, pronto, because they really don’t want to know what happened last time.
3. Stop calling them like normal. It’s hard to because at the point you find out that you’re not dating you’re pretty much on cloud nine and treating them like the homie/lover/friend. Unfortunately, they treated you liked R. Kelly and pissed all over your Sunday. Pissy Sundays are the worst.
4. If they call to kick it go and kill them, respectfully decline and find something better to do. Sure you’d rather kick it, but really, what’s the point? Every date is a reminder that while you were making plans for the future, they were thinking about what to wear on their REAL date later on. Face it, you’ve already lost the battle, bub. On the other hand, it never hurts to hit (if you can, and you probably can) and then bounce on some, “yeah, I have to go wash clothes now” tip. Bitter? Sure. Satisfaction? You betcha.
Of course, you’ll probably cry in the car later. Or was that Red from Friday?
5. Date one of their friends Just kind of fade them out. Sad to say but they’ll hate it and will probably come around (they ALWAYS come around) but like I said, if you have to resort to tactics, they’re not really who you need anyway.
Plus, if you fade somebody out of your life, it gives you more time to evaluate the situation and realize that you probably dodged a bullet because she’s fighting factors and genetics bigger than herself.
Zing!
So, good people of VSB, do you have any advice for a person who’s trying to get over a person they were never really dating in the first place?
-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL, HE A 3
cut out all contact. stop the facebook stalking, stop the myspace, stop the twittering and all else that goes with it. stop analyzing everything they post, thinking its about you! move on!
and don’t attempt to be “friends” soon after.
just. doesn’t. work.
My answer to all of life’s problems:
Start a work out regimen: train for a marathon, etc. You will look great and your dating sitch will surely improve.
@iloVEGrits,
SO true!
@Lili, With such words as “talking” you never truly know what your relationship status is.
I mean what the heck does “were talking mean”?
@JamaicanGirl,
i have NO idea! and i always ask too…my girls get annoyed with me about it. “oh im talkin to this guy” um…what does that mean. i talk to guys everyday! and i think they get annoyed because they dont know what it means either. which means they dont know where they stand.
@shatani,
lol. I haven’t said that since college. But I think it’s that initial stage where people first meet, then go on a date.
I call it ‘getting to know each other’.
Dating, for me, begins after we have established we like each other and want to see other often. There is a connection and we are working toward exclusivity. You meet the friends, etc.
Coupledom is exclusive, meet the parents, etc.
@iloVEGrits,
alright, im on board with your lingo now!
i can honestly say, ive never used “talking to” before…i have a vague idea what it means. but i think vague is never the way to go when this is the subject! lol
LOL i use this terminology. we’re not dating, but i’m vetting him to see if he’s even worth my company in public (some negroes need to be screened first) or worth pursuing more dates with.
like VEG said, it’s the “getting to know you phase”. even if i go out on a few dates with a guy and things are inconclusive as to whether i see it going any further, we might just be “talking” lol
@Gem-nasty,
sounds like youre in negotiations!
exactly!!! can’t just be with any ol’ body lol
@Gem-nasty, I like Vetting…I’m gone use that!
@JamaicanGirl,
I’m with you. This phrase and the terms wifey, my shawty make me want to retch and then scratch whoever uttered them eyeballs out. WTF, ‘we are talking.’ Really, really now. Pox on you.
@ofloveandotherdemons,
you seem to have a real pox fixation today! lmao
@shatani,
Haahhaa, yup!!! It’s my favorite phrase of the month.
@JamaicanGirl,
“were talking mean”?
Exactly!!!!
@iloVEGrits,
“Start a work out regimen: train for a marathon, etc. You will look great and your dating sitch will surely improve.”
I agree. I started with a personal trainer. Went from a size 9/10 to size 7/8. My goal is 5/6 at 5’10″ tall. I don’t know if my dating sitch has improved, but my mood, body tone, life outlook definitely has. Exercise makes those happy feeling endorphins kick in!
@iloVEGrits,
Start a work out regimen: train for a marathon, etc.
honestly, this is some of the best dating advice you can give a person, for myriad reasons i won’t get into right now and sh*t
is this really that common an occurance? why dont people ask questions?? “are we dating?” would be a good start…
and herculean crab shakes? im done! lmao!
@shatani,
“is this really that common an occurance? ”
yeah. lol.
I think people don’t want to ask cuz they don’t wanna know. The truth hurts.
@iloVEGrits, exactly and then they look at you crazy when you give them advice that says find out your status…
@iloVEGrits, i was just talking to some very smart sistas about this last night. people need to be CLEAR about things from jump.
ps) i would expound, but my bed is callin me..
@iloVEGrits,
while the truth does sometimes hurt, i find that i don’t ask what we are doing unless i know what i want. i can’t ask him what he wants us to be if i’m not sure, i.e. we’ve been going out but i don’t feel it, i want a relationship, etc. when i do ask, if we’re not on the same page, cool. throw up the deuces and keep it movin’.
@shatani,
word. I didn’t even know this stuff happened!
I feel like as long as we didn’t have the official talk and you express to me that we’re exclusively in a rel’ship, I will date as much as possible and assume you are doing the same. I hate when ninjas get all in my biz with that “how many other guys are you seeing?” ish.
Shut yo’ nosy arse up!
@Me fail english?,
It really annoys me that guys want to be the only guy you’re dating while they exercise all their options. RUBBISH! They don’t want to come clean about whether they want exclusivity yet they want all the benefits (chex and loyalty) that comes along with it. BASURA!
@Blue Skyez,
lol. And I *heart* you for “BASURA!”
That’s exactly why the question pisses me off. You already know the answer to that and you’re just gonna get all ghey about it so why not just shut yer piehole!!!
@Blue Skyez,
basura deez.
i dont even know what that meant, but it sounded good
@The Champ,
basura=garbage.
“Basura deez?” If only we could…
@The Champ,
That’s just a little espanol. I’m too lazy to even put the squiggly above the “n” even.
And Champ said you didn’t have a heart. Aawww.
@Panama,
Why coconut slivers? I think the answer could increase my hood quotient.
I have to agree with shantani. I’d have asked questions to be certain about our status. DC to Charm City is a hike.
I’d really like to know how she juggled three men. I’m actually in awe, a bit. Amazing multi-tasking.
@Ms. Hall,
i assumed she was unemployed and was, in fact, a professional girlfriend! lmao…cuz that takes skill!
@Ms. Hall,
“I’d really like to know how she juggled three men. I’m actually in awe, a bit. ”
Yeah…two I could see. But three? She should write some sort of how-to-book. lol.
LOL!! i can barely keep up with my actual friends as is, somebody is always getting left out or looked over. dating (but not really lol) 3 guys at once would not work for me. it’d make my brain hurt tryna keep up lol
@Ms. Hall,
But you know…that girl was smart. You have to be active in the dating world nowadays. You don’t have to share your body with multiple (if any) partners, but if you’re single, heeeey: you’re allowed to date multiple people. Guys do it all the time while many girls date one guy at a time with no commitment, hoping for the best.
One of my friends starting dating that way at the start of 2009. She has about 3 dudes on the roster, and 1 is absolutely fabulous. When he steps up and says he wants to make it official, she’ll cut off the rest (she says she just keeping them around to keep herself from falling too deep in case things don’t progress like she hopes). That’s how you have to play it. You have better luck that way!
@Lili,
guess it most certainly is a numbers game!
@Ms. Hall,
3 aint impossible. It just becomes a pain in the ass when you find yourself constantly on the phone or on a date when sometimes all you really want is a nap. When I was single I’d purposely try to date a few guys at a time to ensure I wasn’t seeing too much of any one of ‘em. That way I wouldn’t get prematurely bored or annoyed.
@Me fail english?,
Yep 3 isn’t hard at all…5 isn’t even difficult…
Now that I’m reformed I don’t even see how I used to keep up with everyone. Awwww…youth.
@Ms. Hall,
“I’d really like to know how she juggled three men. I’m actually in awe, a bit. Amazing multi-tasking.”
I so feel you…I have a friend that will juggle not three dates..but three BOYfriends i.e. “exclusive” relationships…I still don’t know how she does it, especially since one of them was living with her at the time…
@Happy Meal,
“I so feel you…I have a friend that will juggle not three dates..but three BOYfriends i.e. “exclusive” relationships…I still don’t know how she does it, especially since one of them was living with her at the time…”
I’m thinking about trying the 2-3 boyfriend thing so I could make up for all the time that I have been single. As soon as this semester is over (school is my man now) and summer starts I’m going to date visciously to catch up! ::insert manically laugh here::
@Blue Skyez,
that’s maniacal. LOL.
@Blue Skyez,
Get out of my head! That was my plan too! ::aaahhhaahahahahaha:: May 16th, world watch out!
@Blue Skyez,
“I’m thinking about trying the 2-3 boyfriend thing so I could make up for all the time that I have been single.”
Hey…If you can manage to pull it off, check back in and offer a course n ish…I’m intrigued… Now I can “talk to” a whole city worth of people at one time…but a “serious” relationship with one person is a full time job already..the economy ain’t so bad for me to be adding two more naamean?
@Happy Meal,
It’s just going to be an experiment that I will like to see if I could pull off. I will let people know whether I crash and burn or what. lol! I just have to make sure these guys are not psycho or anything cause it can get dangerous!
@Ms. Hall,
I’d really like to know how she juggled three men.
some women have really big hands
but I watch CSI. They’ll find you in less than 59 minutes every time this made me cackle unexpectedly.
i’m with shat and ms. hall on the whole ask-and-thou-shall-receive-confirmation-on-your-dating-status sitch. ppl gotta be upfront about what they want and are looking for. that way if they tell you they just “wanna be friends” you can decide to be friendly or move on to the next.
that being said, if you were supposedly dating somebody who was only friending you, you should use it as a learning experience and be sure to lay out your “where do we stand before i get too invested?” questions with the next person you want to get involved with.
@Gem-nasty,
“that being said, if you were supposedly dating somebody who was only friending you, you should use it as a learning experience ”
Yeah. If this constantly happens to you – you are dating and they are friending – you need to look within.
@iloVEGrits,
Amen Amen.
i think its unfair to be mad at someone for not giving you what you wanted, when in fact you never asked them for anything….if you dont wanna be in the friend zone then lay your cards on the table. that way everyone is making informed decisions.
@shatani,
“lay your cards on the table.”
You just have to be careful when you do this, though. Too soon and you look crazy. Too late in the game and you may have reached a point of no return, i.e. they just don’t see you as relationship material. A lot of it is really in the way you carry yourself/interact with the person from day 1.
@iloVEGrits,
i dunno…i dont think its ever too soon to make your intentions known. if a dude says to me, “we gon’ get married!” on day one, thats a problem. if he says, “i would love to take you out on a date.” on day one, then that would be fabulous! at that point i can say, absolutely or no, thanks for whatever reasons i may have.
if he comes with, oh we should hang out….thats not clear to me. i wont assume we’re going on a date, even if he pays for me. i have lots of male friends who pay for me, none of them are my man.
the problem is that folks like to be intentionally vague so that they dont look pressed. so, when she refers to you as her friend, and it hurts like hell, you can pretend you knew that all along….and i really feel like that is pointless.
@shatani,
Being clear about asking someone on a date is one thing. But letting someone know you want to ‘date’ them – and I think there is a difference between going on a few dates and ‘dating’ – is not something you toss out after a few convos, imo.
shat, you and me are >here<
@shatani,
i can concede that. but being clear about being “on a date” in the first place is where it starts. if its just hanging out and chillin and getting together and then all of a sudden you want to be exclusive, folks are really gonna see that as coming out of left field.
but i guess the semantics count…cuz i feel like you can be “dating” many people at once. so, a man letting me know he wants to “date” me, means he wants to take me out and get to know me and see if we have a high couple quotient.
but the way youre using it is, a couple thats already been through the beginning courting and are together. (right?) to be honest, if a man has that intention for me, i would like to know about it as early as possible. it takes two people to date, and if he cant handle my answer of, “well, i dont know you like that so i cant say the same just yet. lets go out and see.” well, then he can walk on by…
@shatani,
“if its just hanging out and chillin and getting together ”
This part confuses me a wee bit. I don’t think I know any men who ask chicks to hang out just to, well, hang out, unless they know them already.
@iloVEGrits
Being clear about asking someone on a date is one thing. But letting someone know you want to ‘date’ them – and I think there is a difference between going on a few dates and ‘dating’ – is not something you toss out after a few convos, imo.
good point. did you drink some smart juice this morning?
if you look crazy for wanting to know if a person is dating you or just sees you as a friend, then perhaps you shouldn’t wanna be with that person anyway. you don’t have to ask some one if they will marry you on date #2 or get the keys to their crib, but if you are going to invest any amount of time into dating them (like trekking long distance in this TET), it should be [crystal] CLEAR they are in turn dating you.
@Gem-nasty,
A person needs to get to know you before they decide if they are, in fact, interested in dating you. Hell, after two meals I would still consider someone a friend and I’d be put off if a guy asked me if we were dating after two meals or a meal and a movie, you get my drift.
Now, after 5 dates and hand holding and deep eye gazes, we should be clear on what’s what.
But after a dinner or two? I don’t think so.
Maybe our definitions of dating are different?
no, our definitions are the same. but i think you’re assuming that when i say lay things on the line at the beginning is me saying you should ask somebody to sign a “i’m dating you and you’re dating me” contract after date 1 or 2. but at the point you’re frequently seeing some one, spending time with them, getting to know them (and perhaps their friends, family, etc) and wanting to go out of your way to do things for them, then it’s time to say “ok, what is this? where is this going?”
@Gem-nasty,
i do think our definitions are differing….
however, the “after 5 dates and hand holding and deep eye gazes, we should be clear on what’s what.” part is where this whole issue begins…
what makes things clear at that point? people can date you and hold your hand and gaze deeply into your eyes and still be doing that with other folks. the only thing that makes it clear, is making it clear.
@Gem-nasty,
Actually, I think we fell apart at “when” to establish what’s what.
You said “at the point you’re frequently seeing some one, spending time with them, getting to know them (and perhaps their friends, family, etc) and wanting to go out of your way to do things for them, then it’s time to say “ok, what is this? where is this going?’”
And I said “Now, after 5 dates and hand holding and deep eye gazes, we should be clear on what’s what.”
I think we are saying the same thing.
@shatani,
When I said “we should be clear on what’s what” I actually meant we should discuss whether or not we are dating or friending.
@shatani
i agree on the part about just ASSuming it is “what it is”. to use PJ as the example, he was thinking it was CLEAR they were dating. and CLEARLY they were NOT.
@iloVEGrits,
i honestly don’t think you can establish your intentions too early altho i’m saying it’s DEFINITELY necessary to establish what is going on many dates in. for me, i prefer a guy who asks me out on a date o express interest in getting to know me better by taking me out. if he just wants to “hang” and “chill” (as shat mentioned earlier) on some casual type tip but also tries to play boyfriend, then we’re gonna have a problem.
@Gem-nasty,
thats exactly where im coming from, Gembalaya!
i really dont think its too early. there can be no question about whether i was aware of what he wanted, because he told me. i think its okay if he wants to “date” me and says so when we first start “talking”….thats information i need.
(see, i use the lingo! i hip, im with it! please feel free to assume asinine air quotes! lol)
I just don’t understand how you weren’t aware you weren’t dating. You were traveling between Bmore and DC (going from the burbs of DC to Anne Arundel County is not the shortest journey –and I really like to drive– so I can only imagine going to Bmore!) to date (well, hang out), but was there no kissing, cuddling, general physical intimacy, no clues??
It’s great that you made such a great effort during the courtship- wish there were more guys like you- but I don’t see how you could do so without some sort of confirmation from the young lady that you were on the same page.
@Lili,
“I don’t see how you could do so without some sort of confirmation from the young lady that you were on the same page.”
yeah…this leaves me a questioning look on my face. lol.
Now, if she were kissing PJ and whatnot and giving him some hint that they might be dating, she’s kind of whack.
@iloVEGrits,
maybe thats just how she says hello!
lol i hate you shat
@iloVEGrits,
My theory is that she probably was giving him dating signals. She prob wasn’t treating him the way she’d treat any old female friend or sister of hers. The situation sounds like she was feeling him at some point and later down the line she just tried to play him.
Maybe he pissed her off on the low and that was the get-back.
Maybe she stopped liking him and the “friend” thing was easier than saying “After careful consideration …I’m just not that into you” (I’ve been guilty of this one).
Maybe that was just a powerplay to seem more desirable and that was his (missed) cue to step his game up and lock it down.
I just have trouble believing dude did all that damn travelling (can you tell I hate driving?) for a chick who would give him the dap-hug and head nod once he got there.
@Me fail english?,
there’s a possibility that his lack of make-a-move-edness led her to think that he wasnt feeling her, so bam! relegated to the friend zone!
that happens a lot with me…cuz i generally assume you aint feelin me like that until you make it clear that you are.
@Lili,
Yeah, I wondered about that too. Maybe, he thought they were exclusively dating, while she regarded him as just another pretty face in her list of many. That would seem the most plausible scenario.
@Lili,
It’s great that you made such a great effort during the courtship- wish there were more guys like you- but I don’t see how you could do so without some sort of confirmation from the young lady that you were on the same page.
this brings up another point. since guys are traditionally supposed to do the courting./asking out, etc, how should a woman express interest beyond a “ok…i guess i’ll accept your date” point, without it being physical?
@The Champ,
Making time for the gentleman, engaging in thoughtful conversation (you can tell when someone is BS’ing you or isn’t interested. Well, I guess PJ couldn’t but heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey)…
After a few dates she can and should suggest outings too. If everything feels one-sided in the courtship (relationship too) then something is up.
It also depends what angle you’re coming from. If you’re on the “friends first” tip and you’re truly trying to get to know her and develop something you want to be serious, taking it that slow may require some explanation. Let her know that you want to take your time with her; if you don’t she may think you’re just trying to be her friend.
Generally, if you are actively dating someone and:
-haven’t gotten a kiss on or by date 3,
-the lady has not initiated one date/outing by date 5 or 6,
-the lady avoids any and all physical contact with you (i.e. hugs, your arm around her shoulders during movies, avoids standing/walking close to you, etc) whenever you are together, or
-the lady mentions other guys somewhat frequently (friends or otherwise- if she takes you seriously she will rarely mention other men so that you don’t think she’s dating anyone else)
…then she is not really interested.
Seriously though, at a certain point in life if you can’t tell that a woman you are pursuing is digging you as well, you might want to just take a seat on the bench. LOL
Darn. I thought this was going to be a post about dating multiple people and those shared stories. You’ve let me down Panama.
Just Kidding.
But seriously. Make a playlist of date-bashing songs (Silly by Denice Williams should be on there), then write a poem/song/paint a picture about how you feel. Then go laser tagging on a busy night and get the high score. After that, you should feel better.
@chaoticdiva,
that sounds like a fun day!
@chaoticdiva,
A lovely acquaintance from my undergrad years was a dabbler in the poetic arts. During a particularly bad break up, she channeled all her hurt into her writing. That in itself wasn’t bad. The cringe inducing part was that she would insist on performing them every point there was more than two people she knew gathered at one place. Man, her stuff was baaaaaaaaaaaaad. Seriously, God awful, and so effing long. Dang, could the blessed child have penned some five line haikus or something. She would have the trifecta of my most hated things in a poem in every piece she wrote: ‘black king/Nubian god/lion of my whatever/afrozionalphalionking’ type references, metaphors for chex and anatomical parts using clichéd nature based ish like flowers, waves, ocean, blah, blah and she rhymed every line(EVERY EFFING BLOODY LINE). Lawd Jesus!!!! Man, I think we suffered more from her break up than she did.
@ofloveandotherdemons,
LMAO!
Poor poor child. Having to live through someone else’s breakup is painful enough but throw in the sh!teous poetry and you’re in hell!
@ofloveandotherdemons,
This made me literally LOL! I can see it “My petals, no longer wake to embrace thee blah blah blah”…
Suffering vicariously through you, as I can feel your pain.
@ofloveandotherdemons,
lol. Shetty poetry gives me the giggles. She would have beat my ass.
@Me fail english?,
shetty poetry just gives me the shets
@ofloveandotherdemons,
this reminds me of taylor mali’s “how to write a political poem”
@The Champ,
http://www.taylormali.com/index.cfm?webid=16
@The Champ,
LMAO! That ish was dope. We had a guy in undergrad that had mad groupies using that exact formula. Can’t front though, he had me under his spell a little while too… *swoons*
@The Champ,
Dude, I looovvveee Taylor Mali. I saw his stuff on Def Poetry Jam, the Russel Simmons thing that was hosted by Mos Def and it was LOVE!!!!
@chaoticdiva,
The writing poetry thing definitely works for me. It’s my form of catharsis.
But unlike ofloveandotherdemons’s friend, I don’t share it. It just feels good to get it out on paper.
I agree with the commenter’s above that the people involved in the relationship (or whatever you want to call it) need to be very explicit about the goals and expectations each has. Especially in today’s dating culture with all its variations on the definitions of a relationship. Plus, to make matters even more confusing subterfuge, it seems, is the name of the game when it comes to dating. Seriously, a person could fall anywhere between a jump off, a wifey, an actual gf/bf, an actual wife, friends with benefits, a non- compensated ho, a ho, a skank ho, a wife, a partner, a life partner to God knows what else. Jesus be an urban dictionary for some clarity. This ish makes my poor noggin hurt. So yes, I advocate blunt, even brutal if need be, explicitness. It’s never too soon either. I don’t care if it’s the first date.
“Yeah, so lovely choca mocha caramel vanilla flan boy, if there is mutual attraction after several dates would you be open to the possibility of a relationship developing? Hmmmmm, or are you on some I just got out of a serious relationship so I ain’t looking for nothing serious ishbull?”
C hoca mocha caramel vanilla flan boy mumbles some response.
“What is that? The latter situation you say. Is that so…..? Well, a pox on you and your entire lineage. That is all sir; you may leave my presence now. Please drop your half of the bill before you leave. Thank you kindly.“
As for getting over an imaginary relationship, I’d try the same techniques you’d use when trying to get over a real one. Copious amounts of alcohol, food (the non nutritive kind), tears and wrist slitting music of your choice.
@ofloveandotherdemons,
This whole comment made me smile. You are officially my e-friend. No discussion. You have no say in the matter. lol.
@iloVEGrits,
see that? stated intentions right up front! lol
LOL @ slitting your wrist music
I can attest to the this-sh*t-works-ness of #5. Someone I really had been dating bashed me upside the head w/the news that he was in ANOTHER relationship and had been for the last 4 months of our 5.5 yrs together…but he didn’t tell me b/c he was trying to figure out why his feelings for this other person didn’t detract from the feelings he had for me. *screw face* Bull. And sh*t.
Anyway, that was Nov. ’05 and we’ve had limited contact and conversation @ my request. (I don’t know how ppl manage to be friends w/their exes.) Lo and behold, just last week, I got a text requesting a meeting so that we could “clear the air” b/c “it’s about time.” Time for what? Dude, that ship has sailed!
We’re meeting for lunch tomorrow (LOL). Sh*t…I’m curious.
@Resident GRitS,
“Anyway, that was Nov. ‘05 and we’ve had limited contact and conversation @ my request. (I don’t know how ppl manage to be friends w/their exes.) Lo and behold, just last week, I got a text requesting a meeting so that we could “clear the air” b/c “it’s about time.” Time for what? Dude, that ship has sailed!”
My ex called me 2 months ago on the same ish. I don’t get it. When you decide to move on stick with your decision. You didn’t want anything to do with me anymore. I’ve accepted it and moved on. Why she would want an open line of communication idk with someone you don’t want to be with idk?
@Resident GRitS,
you know, i dont really get that whole friends after breakup thing either….i mean, okay. MAYBE if it ends amiably and ya’ll decided that you just want different shyt and shyt. but how, HOW are you gonna request to be my friend after you cheated?!?!?
im sorry, i prefer friends that are trustworthy, thanks! friends dont treat each other like crap (usually).
@shatani,
I don’t get this either. I am starting to think that the person that wants to be friends really doesn’t have the courage to walk away 100%.
@Humble_One,
…agreed. They just want what they want when they want it w/little consideration about what happens after it’s not what they thought it would be.
That 80/20 rule is real.
@Resident GRitS,
“We’re meeting for lunch tomorrow (LOL). Sh*t…I’m curious.”
I just fell out of my chair.
@mssmtaylor,
I realize how contradictory the situation is, but I’ve gotta know what’s so important. I’m thinking it’s going to be something crazy like: “You should get tested” or “I’m moving to New Guinea” or “I’m dying of leprosy.” (I’m hoping for the 2nd.)
@mssmtaylor,
you too?!?!?!?
@Resident GRitS,
We’re meeting for lunch tomorrow (LOL). Sh*t…I’m curious.
and, obviously, by “curious” you mean…wait, nevermind. i’m gonna keep that one to myself, lol
Technology is your friend people. Embrace web 2.0. Ask- nay DEMAND that s/he clarify your relationship status so that you can put it on FaceBook. If they opt for “it’s complicated”- well a pox on them and all their houses (thank you OLaODemons).
@Wanjiru,
LMAO! seriously, facebook is like the new marriage…you aint shyt if facebook dont know about it. and i dont want no “in a relationship” dammit…you put my NAME on there! errrebody need ta know.
@shatani,
hahahahahahahahahaha you aint neva lied.
@mssmtaylor,
Ummn how bout not? lol I did that before and when it was over it was the worst cuz You aint wanna take they name down rite away…lol Ninja was so sensitive (read: weak) that i had to wait til HE took it down….now you aint gon be on my relationship FB status lest we MARRIED!
@Happy Meal,
eff that! FB is what makes things final. its like this generation’s notary public. when we are done, damn your feelings! your name comes down immediately! and dont let me have a blackberry, cuz that shyt will be updated on the ride home!
@Wanjiru, LOL! I never filled in those questions on my profile about relationship status. Once I saw how Facebook makes a public announcement whenever you change your relationship status I opted to permanently leave it that way. (Until I’m in a relationship with someone who has a problem with it) A Facebook relationship status change is serious!
@klysha,
yup. thats like your couplehood coming out party!
LMAO!!! oh please say no to FB relationship status of any kind!! no need to put that kinda business out there. because some ppl’s status changes like the direction the wind is blowing.
i know some one who went from in a relationship to married (wearing wedding ring all the time) to “it’s complicated” (wearing the wedding ring only on sundays) to single in a span of about a year. quite sad, had mad ppl gossipin. why put yaself on blast like that??
To get over not getting over:
Take up a new hobby, you know, the one you never had time for because you were burning up I95
Renew old friendships, both male and female, all those friendships you were neglecting because…….you were burning up I95
Work out, play hard, have fun, travel, all that stuff the recovery books tell you to do.
And to tie it all together, vow that you will get it all out on the table early on so you know that you know where you stand. My sister says that you cannot know what a woman is about until after 4 or 5 dates/contacts, and I add to that you need to ask gently probing questions to discover more about things that may not come up in casual conversation (i.e., Have you ever stalked anybody? How violent was your last breakup? What body part do I lose if you catch me cheating?).
Set reasonable limits, let them know what you will and will not tolerate, be nice and respectful, and if it ain’t doin it for you, back out with class and no hard feelings.
@OnlyForToday,
welcome and sh*t
It always helps to blame the other person.
Recount your lifes “wasted time” with them in seconds minutes hours days months and years if applicable.
Try to make the blamed person feel guilty.
Whine and sulk to people that don’t really give a fcuk.
Make a list. People love lists. You’ll feel better.
Obsess. Think, what’s wrong with me that they don’t want me like I want them? Wonder what the other lovers are like.
If you’re a girl, cut your hair in a pseudo radical style.
Buy something you don’t need and can’t really afford.
Gorge yourself with food and drink.
Stalk, break windows etc.
Watch Oprah.
Don’t give up you can make them love you.
Lie to yourself until you feel how you want to.
Develop a strong victims mentality.
Find someone weaker who you can force yourself on for their own good.
Ball up in a knot and sulk.
Find other losers to identify with. Join a support group.
Die.
Always remember it’s their fault and their loss.
@Dice Vegas,
this is all EXCELLENT advice! are you a relationship guru? cuz if not, you should be!
@shatani, I know I can but what are you? Wait you’re on that same train with Shatani. Did you just pop open can of dumbass?
@Dice Vegas,
“Whine and sulk to people that don’t really give a fcuk.”
This is good therapy but torture to the person you are talking too. Everything on here is on point. I’ve done a couple of these myself.
@Humble_One, You’re the one who’s riding the fcuking Crazy Train then. I’ve been the Prince of Fcuking Sanity since 19 fcuking 82.
@Dice Vegas,
“Don’t give up you can make them love you.”
Oh this is scary…lol
@Dice Vegas,
I remember back when I was 21 this guy that I was dating, but clearly he was not dating me lol…thought he was gonna end it. I stalked his azz for a little while and then I got over it.
@mssmtaylor I see you didn’t miss the Crazy Train. All Aboard!
@Dice Vegas,
Oh don’t forget develop an addiction. be it sehx drugs alcohol… LMAO!
@WuDaMan,
OOOh wait fuhck all they friends. bwuaaaahahahaha
@WuDaMan, linem up. Don’t miss the Crazy train. All Aboard!
@Dice Vegas,
i’m a fan of this list. good job and sh*t
Ways to get over,
1) Hang with your team hard.
2) Video Games
3) A real hard workout regiment
4) Live the life of a hermit.
5) Go out a lot and get a roster of woman that may not be hot but look good enough to sleep with
6) Act as if you never met her before. This means to cease all contact.
@Humble_One,
#3 the best thing ever! Me and spinning are the best friends!
Thanks P.
Now I’m off to listen to SpottieOttieDopalicious. “Cause I would remiss if I didn’t mention I’ve been singing it since I saw the title of today’s blog…lol
Oh yeah…just act like you really don’t care. Keep It Moving. Stuff all those feelings into a deep dark hole in your soul and never let them see the light of day. I’m kidding…or am I?
*sniggle*
@miss t-lee,
Stuff all those feelings into a deep dark hole in your soul and never let them see the light of day
lol, someone just watched talledega nights
@The Champ,
LOL!!!!
You know I own it…I think I’ve seen it no less than 20 times.
@miss t-lee,
here here! in fact, its been a couple months….its time for a refresher soon!
This reminds me of the episode of Fresh Prince with Stacey Dash. Where Will thinks he’s the only one, and then she starts kissin some other dude.
Hey, I say just take the ring she gave you and keep it movin, P.
Black Fabio. Ha! Oh, how I *heart* Fresh Prince.
@nia,
This reminds me of the episode of Fresh Prince with Stacey Dash. Where Will thinks he’s the only one, and then she starts kissin some other dude.
which episode was this??? asking because ive compiled a mental rolodex of all stacey dash screen appearances, and this isnt in it
@nia,
Haha, I like the part when he starts listing he songs..
“Well there was ‘It’s Over Now’, ‘Wham Bam Goodbye!’…”
Ways to get over him/her….
–get a hobby, learn a new skill, take piano/cello/saxaphone lessons
–join a gym and workout hard.
–train for a (half) marathon, triathlon, or some other endurance race.
–volunteer in your community
actually, to be honest, keep doing all of the things you did before you met that
assholechump. you still have friends and family, so just add some activities in your life to occupy your time and mental space….@N.I.A. happyhumpdayyall….,
As boring as it may ssound I read so many books.
@The Dutchess,
I was going to put reading, b/c that’s what I usually do. Realizing I was dating a ninja, but he wasn’t dating me is how I started reading the Harry Potter books…I needed something to read that helped me escape from my current reality….
Time. just like with a more severe heartbreak, as cliche as it sounds, time is the great healer, but you have to cut ties and busy yourself like working out is great as mentioned, great great reliever of stress etc…..
@OrangeStar616,
by “working out” you mean “have as many random sexual encounters as possible” right
@The Champ,
sex burns calories and is much more fun than the treadmill…
I’m not so good with the advice as I haven’t been in so many rel’ships.
I’d say drink, work out, meet new guys/girls and although I’m sure Dice was being ironic I think lists are great therapy! Lists about what? I don’t know but writing stuff on paper has saved me from cussing out a co-worker or two.
But per Panama’s advice to date her friends, that only works under some conditions. It’s very possible that you’ll only appear more butt hurt and desperate if you try bagging someone in her circle. That’s clearly a play to get her attn. Also, the only chick in the crew who’d be down for sloppyish seconds is usually NOT the prize. So you’re either rejected TWICE (once by her, then by her friend) or you’ve got some bird on your arm. Some girls will get jealous off GP, but if she didn’t like you there’s a good chance she’ll be laughing just as soon. It looks like a cry for help.
@Me fail english?,
Okay, I just thought about another remedy for heartbreak (or any type of stress reliever): COOKING!!
How could I forget this one? Cook a big ol’ feast with like 5 different meats and every single side you can think of. You get to be close to the food withour actually eating it and getting fat (and reminding your ex why he dumped your arse in the first place! haha).
I come from a family of 7 not including in-laws, cousins, aunties, grandpas and the like. Add neighbors, friends and my bf and it’s very rare that anything goes to waste. Add my bf’s friends (who think I have no idea why they always show up to the apt on Sundays lookin hungry) and there won’t be a scrap left. Seriously, those ninjas would knowingly eat a 3 week old dish that’s never been frozen.
The only downsides are that it can get expensive and you’ll probably have to wait for the wknd so you’ll have time.
@Me fail english?,
How could I forget this one? Cook a big ol’ feast with like 5 different meats and every single side you can think of.
this is gay
@The Champ,
lol! See this is why the black man has high blood pressure!
@Me fail english?,
lmao!
Dang P, how she give you the okey-doke like that! Had you driving and swoonin for nothin. *smh* I’m in awe. *giving you a consoling rubbin’ the back hug*
But yea I assume getting over a no relationship, is just like getting over a dating situation. I’d say follow your list but refrain from large amounts of liquor becuz it will only result in you oppressing your friends and fanfare with your broken heart or you’ll do the worst and drunk dial them. Hell I just leave my phone with others when I go out and drink after a breakup!
And askin for clarity doesn’t always work. I asked a fool how many chicks he was datin and I’m pretty sure his brain passed out cuz he was stuck. I honestly didn’t care if he was datin others cuz hell I was too, but the fact he didn’t give a straight answer pissed me off! I just wanted to know my competition. Lol!
@YaDaddyLikesIt,
I’d say follow your list but refrain from large amounts of liquor becuz it will only result in you oppressing your friends and fanfare with your broken heart or you’ll do the worst and drunk dial them
the “drunk dialing hall of fame” is a future vsb entry, btw
@The Champ,
i feel so inexperienced…ive never drunk dialed anyone
This happened to me one of my sophomore years in college. I was all, ‘baby I been cakin you out cuz I like you like you. So whatchu gone do?’ she was all, ‘let me call my family from yo roommates phone and clam up and go.’
After that I was all never again. I’m playin for keeps. I’ma find out all the stars I got to align to get someone that just strait up fits w/ me.
So I search. Hoping for a mix up in the universe’s math. I hope. Hope that the one I’m meant to be w/ ain’t gettin done dirty. I hope. I hope I don’t get jaded traumatized so I don’t recognize or treat her right (insert all prepositions here) my mate. I hope.
Get some ocd to occupy my mind’s empty spaces. Try to find a way to shat all the addictive personality traits out of my head. You know wipe the boo boo from your brain.
@WuDaMan,
“wipe the boo boo from your brain.”
LMAO. This could mean so many things. I’m sure I’ll be quoting you in the near future. LOL.
@Ms. Hall,
Well you’ll have to give Andre 3000 the credit honey. Cuz he got a lot of shyt on his mind.
@WuDaMan,
“Hoping for a mix up in the universe’s math. I hope. Hope that the one I’m meant to be w/ ain’t gettin done dirty. I hope. I hope I don’t get jaded traumatized so I don’t recognize or treat her right (insert all prepositions here) my mate. I hope.”
I feel at….I really do.
@WuDaMan,
“This happened to me one of my sophomore years in college”
this line right here made me choke on my fiji!
It’s just better for me to understand that women will always have a backup plan and a trick bag, no matter how good it seems.
I know…boo CPT for his pessimism…but I have a lot of lady friends. I’ve observed a lot and I know that they always have reserves and that platonic friend in the wind. So…I’ve often been accused of not opening up or putting up a wall because I know what lies beyond that. I’ve had plenty of women of whom I spoke with…maybe even banged on an occasion that mysteriously pops up a few weeks to a month later with a “boyfriend” out of the blue. It’s all a part of “the game” and I put nothing past em!
Honestly though P…you gotta make sure your cupcakin ain’t in vain. Besides…Baltimore is a push (and yes, I’ve done it before) just to find out that you’re a long distance jump off.
@CPT Callamity, thats so NOT true of every woman, some of us stand alone. no trick bag, no back up plan, no ace up the sleeve in terms of another man in wings LOL….every woman is not that weak/wack!!!!
@OrangeStar616,
How is dating multiple people weak or wack? He didn’t say these were his exclusive girlfriends that were cheating on him. Just girls that are out dating…and also have another dude in case it doesn’t work with him.
I think it’s weak/wack to put all your eggs in one basket and find out later you share that man [/Jay-Z]. This is how people end up stalking.
@Me fail english?,
hmmm…i think the point is not that dating more than one person is weak/wack but the “game” that ensues when a person tries to act like that’s not what they are doing. so, honestly doing you until “the talk” happens versus purposely playing games with people’s emotions. *shrug*
@SouthernGirl,
Yea I think you got it right…But he’s missing the fact that most guys have a plethora of women on deck to fulfill whatever they need/want, and they most certainly don’t communicate this to us! lol
Women, instead, date multiple men to see which one they have a connection with and which one makes it to relationship status.
Of course there are exceptions to every rule…but the fact that the girls you “banged on an occasion” or “spoke to” wound up with boyfriends a little while later wasn’t “mysterious”- those ladies wanted RELATIONSHIPS…and then went out and got them!
If he was feeling them relationship wise he should’ve made that move.
Hmm I’m a firm believer in NOT looking like Boo Boo the Fool! With that being said I too have fallen victim to the “I’m-not-feeling-you-in-that-way bug” my advice is to show emotion get it all out I’ll give you 30 minutes…now thank them for their time and get outta dodge. I believe people aren’t stupid but instead play stupid to reflect blame. So I make them own it so they get to see how “poopy” they really are then leave them with that weight for an eternity. All that moping around is for the birds. Get it all out on the table, verbally slap fire from their faces,remove them from your world. Then when you see them,and you will, you can be as pleasant as pie to see them squirm in their own uncomfortableness(ha squirm snitch!!) You have just successfully “Exhaled”.
@GainesvilleGreen,
welcome and sh*t
@GainesvilleGreen,
you’re definitely right about that…some people do like to play dumb like they dont know youre into them.
however, if you had put it out there in the first place, there would be no room for them to play dumb…
stop dating W.A.B’s! Maybe you’ll get some honesty once you’ve crossed that bridge. otherwise someone else did mention asking a “status” question. the dumbest question ever is a question un-asked.
@Sick of the BS,
w.a.b.’s?
welcome and sh*t, btw
@The Champ, i’m thinking “w.a.b’s” = whack arse busters / b*tches. but i could be wrong
@A Plus,
you’re right except for the busters part
@The Champ,
love the site keep up the honesty! it’s hilarious. i have to have my daily dosage of VSB so much so i ask my friends via IM have you VSB’d yet?
thank you
Do other shyt. That is all.
and, “women” could easily substitute for “shyt”
There are two types of people; those who focus on their failures and those who focus on their successes.
In this case, it’s imperative that you focus on your successes.
…and “date” as many members of the opposite sex as you can until it doesn’t hurt anymore…
@Cornell Westside,
and these people being dated become collateral damage? So the vicious cycle begins…
I did that before… and there are women from that period of my life who wouldn’t come to my aid if a gang of midget somali pirates car jacked me…
@BmoreCreative, midget somali pirates just killed me.
but you’re right about that vicious cycle. that’s not good for anybody
hey, p will be in atlanta this weekend, and wanted to know if anyone would be interested in attending a last-minute vsb happy hour there friday (or saturday)
he’ll give a few more details when he writes tomorrow, but if anyone’s interested, email us at contact@verysmartbrothas.com or just say something in the comments
yesssssssssssss yesssssssssssssssssss.
AMEN to it all hahahha