defining the “diva dude”

admin note: the original photo here has been removed. the champ felt bad picking on innocent party bystanders. carry on.

an epidemic unique to the black community, the “diva dude” describes the mindset created in certain faulty brothas, developed after reading and hearing about the “good black male shortage” supposedly sweeping through the country at a pandemic rate.

it’s a condition, an aura which basically lets every eligible woman within a 25 mile radius know “look, i’ve read the same articles that you have, and since i’m such an “endangered species“, i pretty much have carte blanche to do whatever the hell I want with you. kiss the ring, desperate b*tch”.

they’re walking among us, twirling blue and white sticks and passive-aggressively suggesting dutch first dates as we speak, and it’s one of vsb’s crime-fighting duties to locate and brand them before they continue to poison the already murky dating pool.

here are a few characteristics and behaviors synonymous of the diva dude. If any man possesses seven or more of these traits, he qualifies.

think of this as a dating DSM-IV.

***before I continue, i want to make it very clear that being a young, successful, black male definitely doesn’t automatically make you a DD. DD’s are bred in insecurity…grown-*ss babies who need female attention to validate their existence. basically, these are the type of cats who would all of a sudden start using initials for their first names when becoming successful, thinking that “t. jonathan butler” on a business card might procure more panties than regular ole “tyrone j. butler” ever did***

1. they’re 25 to 35 years old, straight and single with degrees and decent incomes

basically, they’re the remaining 7.2 percent nightline leaves out when they make their hysterical “92.8 percent of black men are either dead, in jail, unemployable, still rocking FUBU, or f*cking a kardashian” graphics

2. they live in college towns or cities with metropolitan areas over 500,000 people

this is very important for two reasons:

A) most large metropolitan areas are perceived to have more “eligible” women than men, and this assumption allows the diva dude to basically get away with his bullsh*t unfettered.

B) if a group of women get wise and catches them, recognizing in them numerous diva dude characteristics, there’s always another mall or happy hour or convention somewhere in the city where the “mythical black man” shtick will probably guarantee free panties. there are suckers for DD’s with degrees born every minute.

3. they’ve been the proverbial ugly duckling until very recently

this is important, because the fact that they weren’t getting any rhythm before they got “hot” creates an inherent b*tch*ssness that permeates everything they do.

4. they’re only friends with other diva dudes

all DD’s are close friends with between one and four other diva dudes, a safe number which gives them a couple clubbing and tailor trip buddies, but not so many that their diva light doesn’t shine as bright. remember, these ain’t alpha dogs or lone wolves, just a bunch of beta d*cks thirsty for attention.

basically, this is the type of guy whose d*ck would get harder at the thought of a chick at the mall double-taking while he’s walking past her and jigging audi keys in his hand than it would if he actually slept with her.

5. they’re not chivalrous and proud of it

there’s nothing else that screams “diva dude” louder than a grown man who’s practically excited to get the opportunity to let everyone else know all the simple sh*t they’d never do for a woman.

“pay for dinner??? trick, please. what i look like buying you appetizers and water and sh*t when you don’t even swallow??? plus, you make like 31g’s a year!!! you’re telling me you can’t afford to buy your own damn iced tea???”

part of being a grown man is doing the right thing without any expectation of acknowledgment or reward, but a typical DD will voluntarily and happily relinquish a crucial component of his own manhood just because some janky broad or two didn’t immediately fellate him when he gave up his seat for her on the train seven years ago.

6. they LOVE to scapegoat

words such as “all” and “every” always seem to find a way into their sentences when speaking negatively about the opposite sex, a common practice used by folks so blinded by bitterness that they can’t see how foolish a statement such as “all black women with master’s degrees give terrible bl*w jobs” really is (even if it might be true).

7. they’re delusional

there’s nothing a DD loathes more than actually admitting that he’s a DD, a phenomenon which produces some of the most hilariously misguided attempts of synonym use known to man.

from “practical” and “prudent” to “rational” and “realistic”, a typical DD will have an endless supply of words and euphemisms that make his DIVA-ness sound much less harsh

“i’m not bitter. far from it. i’m just ahead of the curve.”

8. they’re in a ton of f*cking party pictures

diva dudes love posing in pictures at parties more than fat asians love pumas. seriously, if you’re ever at a mixer or happy hour somewhere and you’re looking for a diva dude, just find the ridiculously overdressed cat faux ice-grilling a camera while clutching a mojito.

9. they pledged a graduate chapter of a fraternity

trust me.

10. they don’t actually date

instead of actual dates, diva dudes only interact with women they’re interested in through “meet-ups”; courting arrangements specifically designed to alibi them out of any expectation or accountability. saying sh*t like “let’s chill sometime. instead of “friday, i’m gonna take u to da moviesis an affected verbal manipulation allowing them to reap the benefits of a commitment without actually committing to anything. there’s a reason God hates lawyers.

admittedly, there is a certain allure to living this lifestyle. not so much in the DD actions, but in the figurative thumbing of the nose at all the nightline-esque stats and sistas stating that you’re extinct. but, despite the attraction to this state of mind, you have to remember that these are the dudes who probably will end up like champ kind from anchorman when they reach 40…single, lonely, and unable to function without the aid of his crew of like-minded relationship nincompoops, and all sistas (and brothas) should avoid them at all costs.

—the champ

***this was originally posted two years ago, but a conversation with facebook fame lydia cotton yesterday convinced me to revise and enha

  • sweetbee

    So that’s the guy that’s in all of my pictures…I don’t know you, I didn’t invite you. How the heck did you get in ALL of my pictures?

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      camera clicks are like dog whistles to diva dudes. they can hear them 60 yards away

      • Sharde

        Damn, like that? Well, sadly I know a coupld DDs. SMH

  • miss t-lee

    This was the first post I read from you guys way back. It’s still all true, unfortunately…lol Dah well.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      “This was the first post I read from you guys way back”

      this makes me all verklempt and sh*t.

      • miss t-lee

        @Champie
        Aw…look at you…lol

        • yay

          hey everybody,new here, what does ‘verklempt’ (don’t know if i spelled that right) mean?

          oh, all the people on here are fun!!! (fun=funny therefore FUN)

          • Swindle

            Yidish for emotionally unable to respond clearly.

            The article was pretty humorous. I was down with it till

            man/the right thing = pay for women.

            I could write a counter response on how black women love to tell black men what a black man is even though statistically they have never been with one… of if they had one or one interested at some point they probably dogged him out.

            Go on for hours asking how it is a woman in general could know how to instruct a man in being a man or why black men never tell a black woman how to be a woman.

            But it would fall on deafened, indoctrinated, lonely ears wouldn’t it.

  • http://www-shay-d-lady.com shay-d-lady

    Man this post is on point.
    Let’s get a slow clap going for the post, especially #3 and especially if he was a chunky
    For some reasons formerly chunky dudes, especially if chunky during the formative jr high years, are full of
    Bytcha$$ness

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      For some reasons formerly chunky dudes, especially if chunky during the formative jr high years, are full of
      Bytcha$$ness

      i had something to say, but this comment really just makes me want a chunky bar now

  • P.

    “defining the ‘diva dude’”

    read: the Kappa

    • thatchic

      @ P…iGiggle

      • Mello Yellow

        Madame Z, you ain’t neva lied about them red and white sticks. I wish I had read this post a few years ago when I got caught up with a DD. I live in DC so you know I know. This whole post is dead on, Champ.

        • CNotes

          @Mello Yellow

          Im in DC too and this place is flooded with DDs. Yuk!

    • Madame Zenobia

      Absolutely, He shoulda added twirling red-and-white sticks.

    • Deeds

      As I was reading I immediately pictured a guy I know from undergrad that entails all of these qualities, and what would you know, he’s a kappa.

    • a plus

      read: the Kappa

      especially if he pledged grad chapter (#9). those DDs are in a class of their own…

      • http://nianaturally.blogspot.com N.I.A.naturally

        LOL!! I know this dude. He was borderline DD before pledging, then he pledged Kappa grad chapter, and all hell broke loose. What’s funny, he actually convinced some chick to seriously date him. Granted, she’s a Delta, but she still should know better. j/k. lol.

      • Tenchi

        Ummm…>insert sad face, then blank stare, then happy facechokesfinger snap<*

        Long story short…I wish a mickey fickey WOULD!!!

      • #1Snowflake

        #1—- I am still forwarding this post! BEST POST EVER
        #2—- Kappa’s + DC = King’s of the Diva Dudes

    • http://musicmakesmehigh.wordpress.com Reecie

      they are definitely Alphas in this pack as well. #shots? maybe. LOL

      • http://nianaturally.blogspot.com N.I.A. naturally

        they are definitely Alphas in this pack as well. #shots? maybe. LOL

        This is sooo true. lol.

      • I-think-therefore-I-am

        @ Reecie,
        I have to cosign on those Alphas… atleast we expect such behaviors from Kappas…but the Diva Dude epidemic as no frat labels anymore… just a Kappa spokesman

      • http://under-the-cherry-moon.blogspot.com/ Ms. Cherry

        Definitely #shots!! lol!

    • http://passionoir.com/ Black Love

      What’s up with kappa s?

    • IET

      “defining the ‘diva dude’”
      “Read: Kappa”
      Doesn’t pledging a fraternity period, beget DD b*tch*ssness?

  • legitimate_soul

    If this ain’t the friggin’ TRUTH! As I was reading this, about 3, nope, make that 4 dudes came to mind. Number 9, in your list cinched it! This was soooooooo on point! You also helped me put my finger on and gave me a friggin’ LIST of why folks feel a certain kind of way about those cats. I know you said you re-vamped this and you posted this before, but I am glad it’s here. This was an excellent post. Dang, I’m all enthused by the truth in it!

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      see, the next step is to start naming names. we should have a diva dude directory on vsb

      • CNotes

        @The Champ

        Great idea! (desperately looking for a pen to begin jotting down my contributions to the list)

      • Smiley Face

        All of the Trey’s I’ve ever known are DD’s..allnem

        • Terribke

          “All of the Trey’s I’ve ever know are DD’s…allnem” #DOA

          trigga trey songz, anyone???

      • #1Snowflake

        I was at an event last. . . . [I always hope to run into you- but how would I know--- I look for a name tag that say "The Champ"-- it won't happen] I DIGRESS— and I ran into this Diva Dude, I kept thinking Ohhh I wish the VSB comment section was here—- I would like to add:

        Jason …….. to the list.

        BUT really. . . when I was sitting in my census training today and I just started thinking about this post and it made me smile. . . and chuckle until the facilitator asked me if I wanted to share with the class. . . I had to decline. LOL!!

      • JayKay

        Can I PLEASE head up the Chicago of the DDAA (Diva Dude Awareness Alliance)?!?! Many men in Chicago already hate to pay without something in return, your number, your virginity, your first born. Add diva dudes to the mix and a hot mess is born.

  • SaneN85

    Living in a Navy town, I can tell you that the DD doesn’t have to have a degree. Most of the Navy men out here are exactly as described, minus the degree and believe that most of the women around here drop panties the minute they mention that they’re in the Navy.

    • CNotes

      @SaneN85

      I would challenge that Navy men are like that. My ex-husband is a Navy man and I used to be surrounded by them. Mostly they are just insecure guys with job security; not DDs. (plus, they don’t meet most of what’s on VSB the list)

      • SaneN85

        I welcome the challenge. I’m not saying that all men in the Navy are DD, but in my experience there is a large percentage of them. They usually don’t fall into 1, 2 or 9, but the rest of the lists defines a large number of men that I know. The attitude is the same, even if the education isn’t. Your ex may not have been, and may have chosen to associate with only those guys in the Navy who aren’t, but I promise you there are a large number of them.

        It may also just be that these men are imports from all over the continental U.S. and the women here have them believing they’re something special because they’re new.

      • Sanen85

        Okay, going through the comments, I’m getting more of a kind of pretty boy vibe of what DD is supposed to mean. I still stand by my claim that a lot of Navy men fall into the article above, but looking through the comments, they may just get a pass. This time.

        • CNotes

          @Sanen85

          “It may also just be that these men are imports from all over the continental U.S. and the women here have them believing they’re something special because they’re new”

          This part of your statement was exactly how I viewed them (Navy guys) when I was married and living in San Diego. Most of them were dudes that nobody was checkin for back where they were from; but when they moved to a new area it was an opportunity to reinvent themselves. But I do agree that they can have some of the DD qualities.

  • http://www.pinchmycheekie.blogspot.com Cheekie

    Ol’ dude in the middle looks like someone I would’ve had a major crush on when I was in highschool.

    *hindsight is 20/20 sigh*

    • DG

      You liked them DeBarge/Al B. Sure types back in the day, I see…

      • http://www.pinchmycheekie.blogspot.com Cheekie

        “Types”, yes.

        • Humble_One

          @Cheekie & Muze

          How or why did you stop liking these “Types”? Or do you still dig them? I’ve kicked it with a few woman that use to be into these cats before me. I would think to myself “what do you want with my roughneck @ss?”. How do you go from El DeBarge to the polar opposite. The women always seem attracted to them from pre-teen to early 20s. I’ve always found this change to be peculiar.

          • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

            “How or why did you stop liking these “Types”? Or do you still dig them?”

            i’ve found that some women tend to grow out of that (crushing over pretty boys) once they start actually having sex.

          • http://www.pinchmycheekie.blogspot.com Cheekie

            “How or why did you stop liking these “Types”? Or do you still dig them? I’ve kicked it with a few woman that use to be into these cats before me. I would think to myself “what do you want with my roughneck @ss?”.”

            I’m not even sure. I don’t think I wanna say that pretty boys are less “masculine”, because a man can be somewhat pretty and still be pretty rough, but I just think it was plain ol’ growin’ up. I think of this way. Just as my personal style (i.e. fashion) has changed since I was in high school (I’m more comfortable with being a bit more girly), so has my taste in men. I don’t exclude the prettier boys totally, but I don’t fawn over them as much as I did before either. I’ve just widened my spectrum.

          • http://www.pinchmycheekie.blogspot.com Cheekie

            @The Champ,

            Um, I don’t ‘preciate you up and changing the post picture on me. Now no one know wtf I’m referring to except for the vampire crew that was here last night.

            What happened? Did one of the diva dudes email you talmbout “I’d be much obliged if you took that sh*t of me off the internets” so you decided to go with the much safer choice of celebs?

          • http://www.shesoflyy.blogspot.com Muze

            lol. my ex completely and totally turned me against pretty boys.

            i don’t mean men that dress well or care about grooming. i mean men who literally wear the banner of ‘pretty’ proudly and have perfectly arched eyebrows. ew. i mean, you can eliminate the bert look, but please don’t let me catch you ‘trimming’ your eyebrows. out of hand.

            anyhoo… i dated a man that was TOTALLY the opposite of the ‘pretty’ look i’d so coveted in my younger days, and i guess it kind of just showed me what i’d been missing by limiting myself. so now, i’m much less particular about the kind of man i will and won’t date when it comes to surface things like that. i think it’s just a part of the becoming a grown woman process… similar to men realizing that every LSLH (lightskin longhair) chick isn’t automatically aaliyah’s doppelganger. live and you learn. lol.

          • T.

            it happened to me….

    • http://www.shesoflyy.blogspot.com Muze

      ME TOO girl, don’t feel bad.

      shoot, my ex i was with from HS to college was basically, him. lol.

  • Andi

    Do men like this even like women?? I always found this behavior mad suspect. Like they just used misogyny to hide their *ahem* deeper issues.

    Hi Champ! *waves* I met you and your lady at the house party 2 weeks ago. I was the one asking all the questions about VSB :)

    • T.

      I KNOW YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOL.

      • Andi

        YAY! Hi T.!!! I’m finally here, lol.

    • T’Lu

      Do men like this even like women?? I always found this behavior mad suspect. Like they just used misogyny to hide their *ahem* deeper issues.

      I think Champ needs to revise this post again and add this truth to the list.

      • Orange is the Happiest Color

        Thats a very good question dear.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      welcome and sh*t, andi

      and yeah, typically these guys are oxymorons: heterosexuals who hate women.

      • http://natashasjourney-natasha.blogspot.com Natasha

        SO TRUE!!! Deeper issues! Wonder post today.

        • http://natashasjourney-natasha.blogspot.com Natasha

          *Wonderful

      • K

        OMFG!!!! @ Champ I tried to explain the concept of hetero’s who hate women to a few folks. they looked and came at me like I was crazy! Aside from this post being dead on, that comment just made my month and shit!

    • ComplexMind

      That’s what I assumed as well. I thought it would be something they would outgrow.

  • http://perfectpointguard.blogspot.com/ J. Delicious

    “5. they’re not chivalrous and proud of it”

    Whenever I encounter a man like this, it never ceases to amaze me. Until college I was used to opening my own doors (unless it was a special occasion) and going dutch. But, once I got down to HIU and met men who won’t let me open doors and I have to trick to treat them to a meal, I can’t comprehend why any man would live a non-chivalrous life.

    • ComicBookGuy

      As a man, I definitely feel you. I can’t believe that some men don’t do that and it makes it where a lot of women don’t know when a man is being chivalrous because they are not used to it. Some women don’t even know how to say thank you when a man opens a door for them. That’s how bad it has gotten.

      • coldsweat3

        PREACH ComicBookGuy! I took this chick to the movies and held the door open and she freakin stood there. I was like ummm are you going to walk through the door? She looked at me bewildered and I thought damn has a ninja never opened a door for this girl?!?! Smh.

        • http://presidentialtelevisionandfilm.ning.com Monk

          I’ve experienced this as well. The worse is when you open the door and they respond with, “I can open my own door,” said matter-of-factly. *smh*

          • ComicBookGuy

            Hell, naw.

          • #1Snowflake

            YOU go right ahead and keep opening the door!!!!! SMH!! I have to laugh when I accidentally open and hold the door for the DD’s (I will open the door for anyone by the way- I just like courteous people. . . ) and they let the door slam in my face. When are one or all of ya’ll taking me out????

      • http://earsandlps.blogspot.com/ LaBakir

        I agree…I mean I know how to say thank you when a door is opened.

        But if he opened my car door or some ish, I might perish and die right there.

        • ComicBookGuy

          Wait, you mean, a guy hasn’t opened a car door for you? What wrong with the ninjas nowadays? I even open the door for my niece when she rides in the car with me, just so she is used to it. If a ninja wants to take her on a date and doesn’t open the door for her, cross him off the list.

          • http://earsandlps.blogspot.com/ LaBakir

            *shakes head* nope…I’m trying to remember a time when a guy did this and I can’t come up w/ one.

        • Domonique

          Damn! Never? That sucks. I dated a guy who ALWAYS opened the car door for me. Didnt matter if it was 100 degrees outside or negative 5, he was opening my door and putting me in the car first. If only dudes knew how many poon points they got for this, they’d all be running to the passenger side!

          • http://earsandlps.blogspot.com/ LaBakir

            If only dudes knew how many poon points they got for this, they’d all be running to the passenger side!

            WORD! My roomie told me how she went on a date w/ this guy and he stood up when she returned from the bathroom….I think I blacked out after she told me this b/c I couldn’t believe my ears

          • truthinrumors

            Co-sign. I wish they knew about the poon points. I’m seeing someone now who has always been VERY chivalrous.

            Aside from doing the big things, he does some little things that say a whole lot -that he’s considering me 1st- and is enthusiastically rewarded by never having to ask for a BJ or sex- time and mother nature permitting.

            The Libra in me says its only fair AND, it is definitely a turn on to be with someone who gives you that red carpet treatment no matter what.

            Good behavior Good behavior.

        • Sula

          LaBakir,

          Really? Y’all need to move to the south… right now. :)

          • http://earsandlps.blogspot.com/ LaBakir

            @ Sula

            I know right,lol

          • http://womanofcolor.wordpress.com brownivyx

            @ Sula.

            Yep.

            I never thought that was a regional thing though. Wowwwww…

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

        “Some women don’t even know how to say thank you when a man opens a door for them. That’s how bad it has gotten.”.

        yeah. this is one of the unfortunate by-products of emaciated chivalry

    • Smiley Face

      I love, I love, I love my HIU…

      • Alana

        This post and these comments makeup the twisted horror story of my dating life! I believe the Champ pretty accurately described about 80% of the eligible men…ahem I mean boys at UF…the remaining 20% being the utterly untouchable (you know the ones with peg-legs, raspy voices, and ish like that). I’ve come to terms with this mess and I’m only 18! I’m alarmed, and I’m steering clear of DDs!…but one thing is for sure my next boyfriend will probably have a peg leg.

        P.S. F*** Kappas.

      • T.

        *Hampton Hug*

  • i-think-therefore-I-am

    The Diva Dudes is definately an epidemic…since moving to DC I have tried to find a perfect word or phrase to describe these creatures and I must thank you Champikicans for DIVA DUDES!. Moving out here from NYC I am not use to men who upon meeting me introduce their profession to me before I got their names, bytch I know black lawyers, doctors, and crackheads alike ur nothing new to me. The attire of a Diva Dudes usually consisst of the imfamous “blazer” a Diva Dude wouldn’t be caught dead outside without a blazer..I even spotted one such Diva Dude at the gym sporting a blazer…huh?!… Thank you for giving me permission to ASSASSINATE THEM WITH A QUICK NYC side-eye glare

    • Peyso

      You got to be joking about a dude w/ a blazer in the gym. He prolly had a curly gel frow too. Next time i hope he catches fire for that

      • Courier

        Had to de Lurk
        I had a co worker male buy his best male DD a pair of slacks and i am gay and and dont do shit like that.

        • Sula

          This is hilarious! Not buying his friend a pair of slacks? Bwahahaha!

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      Thank you for giving me permission to ASSASSINATE THEM WITH A QUICK NYC side-eye glare

      that’s not enough. the next time you see them you need to just shoot em. we’ll even cover your legal fees