Lists, Theory & Essay

defining the “diva dude”

admin note: the original photo here has been removed. the champ felt bad picking on innocent party bystanders. carry on.

an epidemic unique to the black community, the “diva dude” describes the mindset created in certain faulty brothas, developed after reading and hearing about the “good black male shortage” supposedly sweeping through the country at a pandemic rate.

it’s a condition, an aura which basically lets every eligible woman within a 25 mile radius know “look, i’ve read the same articles that you have, and since i’m such an “endangered species“, i pretty much have carte blanche to do whatever the hell I want with you. kiss the ring, desperate b*tch”.

they’re walking among us, twirling blue and white sticks and passive-aggressively suggesting dutch first dates as we speak, and it’s one of vsb’s crime-fighting duties to locate and brand them before they continue to poison the already murky dating pool.

here are a few characteristics and behaviors synonymous of the diva dude. If any man possesses seven or more of these traits, he qualifies.

think of this as a dating DSM-IV.

***before I continue, i want to make it very clear that being a young, successful, black male definitely doesn’t automatically make you a DD. DD’s are bred in insecurity…grown-*ss babies who need female attention to validate their existence. basically, these are the type of cats who would all of a sudden start using initials for their first names when becoming successful, thinking that “t. jonathan butler” on a business card might procure more panties than regular ole “tyrone j. butler” ever did***

1. they’re 25 to 35 years old, straight and single with degrees and decent incomes

basically, they’re the remaining 7.2 percent nightline leaves out when they make their hysterical “92.8 percent of black men are either dead, in jail, unemployable, still rocking FUBU, or f*cking a kardashian” graphics

2. they live in college towns or cities with metropolitan areas over 500,000 people

this is very important for two reasons:

A) most large metropolitan areas are perceived to have more “eligible” women than men, and this assumption allows the diva dude to basically get away with his bullsh*t unfettered.

B) if a group of women get wise and catches them, recognizing in them numerous diva dude characteristics, there’s always another mall or happy hour or convention somewhere in the city where the “mythical black man” shtick will probably guarantee free panties. there are suckers for DD’s with degrees born every minute.

3. they’ve been the proverbial ugly duckling until very recently

this is important, because the fact that they weren’t getting any rhythm before they got “hot” creates an inherent b*tch*ssness that permeates everything they do.

4. they’re only friends with other diva dudes

all DD’s are close friends with between one and four other diva dudes, a safe number which gives them a couple clubbing and tailor trip buddies, but not so many that their diva light doesn’t shine as bright. remember, these ain’t alpha dogs or lone wolves, just a bunch of beta d*cks thirsty for attention.

basically, this is the type of guy whose d*ck would get harder at the thought of a chick at the mall double-taking while he’s walking past her and jigging audi keys in his hand than it would if he actually slept with her.

5. they’re not chivalrous and proud of it

there’s nothing else that screams “diva dude” louder than a grown man who’s practically excited to get the opportunity to let everyone else know all the simple sh*t they’d never do for a woman.

“pay for dinner??? trick, please. what i look like buying you appetizers and water and sh*t when you don’t even swallow??? plus, you make like 31g’s a year!!! you’re telling me you can’t afford to buy your own damn iced tea???”

part of being a grown man is doing the right thing without any expectation of acknowledgment or reward, but a typical DD will voluntarily and happily relinquish a crucial component of his own manhood just because some janky broad or two didn’t immediately fellate him when he gave up his seat for her on the train seven years ago.

6. they LOVE to scapegoat

words such as “all” and “every” always seem to find a way into their sentences when speaking negatively about the opposite sex, a common practice used by folks so blinded by bitterness that they can’t see how foolish a statement such as “all black women with master’s degrees give terrible bl*w jobs” really is (even if it might be true).

7. they’re delusional

there’s nothing a DD loathes more than actually admitting that he’s a DD, a phenomenon which produces some of the most hilariously misguided attempts of synonym use known to man.

from “practical” and “prudent” to “rational” and “realistic”, a typical DD will have an endless supply of words and euphemisms that make his DIVA-ness sound much less harsh

“i’m not bitter. far from it. i’m just ahead of the curve.”

8. they’re in a ton of f*cking party pictures

diva dudes love posing in pictures at parties more than fat asians love pumas. seriously, if you’re ever at a mixer or happy hour somewhere and you’re looking for a diva dude, just find the ridiculously overdressed cat faux ice-grilling a camera while clutching a mojito.

9. they pledged a graduate chapter of a fraternity

trust me.

10. they don’t actually date

instead of actual dates, diva dudes only interact with women they’re interested in through “meet-ups”; courting arrangements specifically designed to alibi them out of any expectation or accountability. saying sh*t like “let’s chill sometime. instead of “friday, i’m gonna take u to da moviesis an affected verbal manipulation allowing them to reap the benefits of a commitment without actually committing to anything. there’s a reason God hates lawyers.

admittedly, there is a certain allure to living this lifestyle. not so much in the DD actions, but in the figurative thumbing of the nose at all the nightline-esque stats and sistas stating that you’re extinct. but, despite the attraction to this state of mind, you have to remember that these are the dudes who probably will end up like champ kind from anchorman when they reach 40…single, lonely, and unable to function without the aid of his crew of like-minded relationship nincompoops, and all sistas (and brothas) should avoid them at all costs.

—the champ

***this was originally posted two years ago, but a conversation with facebook fame lydia cotton yesterday convinced me to revise and enha

Filed Under:
Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a contributing editor for EBONY.com. He lives in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes. Reach him at damon@verysmartbrothas.com. Or don't.

  • sweetbee

    So that’s the guy that’s in all of my pictures…I don’t know you, I didn’t invite you. How the heck did you get in ALL of my pictures?

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      camera clicks are like dog whistles to diva dudes. they can hear them 60 yards away

      • Sharde

        Damn, like that? Well, sadly I know a coupld DDs. SMH

      • Sharde

        Damn, like that? Well, sadly I know a coupld DDs. SMH

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      camera clicks are like dog whistles to diva dudes. they can hear them 60 yards away

  • sweetbee

    So that’s the guy that’s in all of my pictures…I don’t know you, I didn’t invite you. How the heck did you get in ALL of my pictures?

  • miss t-lee

    This was the first post I read from you guys way back. It’s still all true, unfortunately…lol Dah well.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      “This was the first post I read from you guys way back”

      this makes me all verklempt and sh*t.

      • miss t-lee

        @Champie
        Aw…look at you…lol

        • yay

          hey everybody,new here, what does ‘verklempt’ (don’t know if i spelled that right) mean?

          oh, all the people on here are fun!!! (fun=funny therefore FUN)

          • Swindle

            Yidish for emotionally unable to respond clearly.

            The article was pretty humorous. I was down with it till

            man/the right thing = pay for women.

            I could write a counter response on how black women love to tell black men what a black man is even though statistically they have never been with one… of if they had one or one interested at some point they probably dogged him out.

            Go on for hours asking how it is a woman in general could know how to instruct a man in being a man or why black men never tell a black woman how to be a woman.

            But it would fall on deafened, indoctrinated, lonely ears wouldn’t it.

          • Swindle

            Yidish for emotionally unable to respond clearly.

            The article was pretty humorous. I was down with it till

            man/the right thing = pay for women.

            I could write a counter response on how black women love to tell black men what a black man is even though statistically they have never been with one… of if they had one or one interested at some point they probably dogged him out.

            Go on for hours asking how it is a woman in general could know how to instruct a man in being a man or why black men never tell a black woman how to be a woman.

            But it would fall on deafened, indoctrinated, lonely ears wouldn’t it.

        • yay

          hey everybody,new here, what does ‘verklempt’ (don’t know if i spelled that right) mean?

          oh, all the people on here are fun!!! (fun=funny therefore FUN)

      • miss t-lee

        @Champie
        Aw…look at you…lol

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      “This was the first post I read from you guys way back”

      this makes me all verklempt and sh*t.

  • miss t-lee

    This was the first post I read from you guys way back. It’s still all true, unfortunately…lol Dah well.

  • http://www-shay-d-lady.com shay-d-lady

    Man this post is on point.
    Let’s get a slow clap going for the post, especially #3 and especially if he was a chunky
    For some reasons formerly chunky dudes, especially if chunky during the formative jr high years, are full of
    Bytcha$$ness

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      For some reasons formerly chunky dudes, especially if chunky during the formative jr high years, are full of
      Bytcha$$ness

      i had something to say, but this comment really just makes me want a chunky bar now

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      For some reasons formerly chunky dudes, especially if chunky during the formative jr high years, are full of
      Bytcha$$ness

      i had something to say, but this comment really just makes me want a chunky bar now

  • http://www-shay-d-lady.com shay-d-lady

    Man this post is on point.
    Let’s get a slow clap going for the post, especially #3 and especially if he was a chunky
    For some reasons formerly chunky dudes, especially if chunky during the formative jr high years, are full of
    Bytcha$$ness

  • P.

    “defining the ‘diva dude'”

    read: the Kappa

    • thatchic

      @ P…iGiggle

      • Mello Yellow

        Madame Z, you ain’t neva lied about them red and white sticks. I wish I had read this post a few years ago when I got caught up with a DD. I live in DC so you know I know. This whole post is dead on, Champ.

        • CNotes

          @Mello Yellow

          Im in DC too and this place is flooded with DDs. Yuk!

        • CNotes

          @Mello Yellow

          Im in DC too and this place is flooded with DDs. Yuk!

      • Mello Yellow

        Madame Z, you ain’t neva lied about them red and white sticks. I wish I had read this post a few years ago when I got caught up with a DD. I live in DC so you know I know. This whole post is dead on, Champ.

    • thatchic

      @ P…iGiggle

    • Madame Zenobia

      Absolutely, He shoulda added twirling red-and-white sticks.

    • Madame Zenobia

      Absolutely, He shoulda added twirling red-and-white sticks.

    • Deeds

      As I was reading I immediately pictured a guy I know from undergrad that entails all of these qualities, and what would you know, he’s a kappa.

    • Deeds

      As I was reading I immediately pictured a guy I know from undergrad that entails all of these qualities, and what would you know, he’s a kappa.

    • a plus

      read: the Kappa

      especially if he pledged grad chapter (#9). those DDs are in a class of their own…

      • http://nianaturally.blogspot.com N.I.A.naturally

        LOL!! I know this dude. He was borderline DD before pledging, then he pledged Kappa grad chapter, and all hell broke loose. What’s funny, he actually convinced some chick to seriously date him. Granted, she’s a Delta, but she still should know better. j/k. lol.

      • http://nianaturally.blogspot.com N.I.A.naturally

        LOL!! I know this dude. He was borderline DD before pledging, then he pledged Kappa grad chapter, and all hell broke loose. What’s funny, he actually convinced some chick to seriously date him. Granted, she’s a Delta, but she still should know better. j/k. lol.

      • Tenchi

        Ummm…>insert sad face, then blank stare, then happy facechokesfinger snap<*

        Long story short…I wish a mickey fickey WOULD!!!

      • Tenchi

        Ummm…>insert sad face, then blank stare, then happy facechokesfinger snap<*

        Long story short…I wish a mickey fickey WOULD!!!

      • #1Snowflake

        #1—- I am still forwarding this post! BEST POST EVER
        #2—- Kappa’s + DC = King’s of the Diva Dudes

      • #1Snowflake

        #1—- I am still forwarding this post! BEST POST EVER
        #2—- Kappa’s + DC = King’s of the Diva Dudes

    • a plus

      read: the Kappa

      especially if he pledged grad chapter (#9). those DDs are in a class of their own…

    • http://musicmakesmehigh.wordpress.com Reecie

      they are definitely Alphas in this pack as well. #shots? maybe. LOL

      • http://nianaturally.blogspot.com N.I.A. naturally

        they are definitely Alphas in this pack as well. #shots? maybe. LOL

        This is sooo true. lol.

      • http://nianaturally.blogspot.com N.I.A. naturally

        they are definitely Alphas in this pack as well. #shots? maybe. LOL

        This is sooo true. lol.

      • I-think-therefore-I-am

        @ Reecie,
        I have to cosign on those Alphas… atleast we expect such behaviors from Kappas…but the Diva Dude epidemic as no frat labels anymore… just a Kappa spokesman

      • I-think-therefore-I-am

        @ Reecie,
        I have to cosign on those Alphas… atleast we expect such behaviors from Kappas…but the Diva Dude epidemic as no frat labels anymore… just a Kappa spokesman

      • http://under-the-cherry-moon.blogspot.com/ Ms. Cherry

        Definitely #shots!! lol!

      • http://under-the-cherry-moon.blogspot.com/ Ms. Cherry

        Definitely #shots!! lol!

    • http://musicmakesmehigh.wordpress.com Reecie

      they are definitely Alphas in this pack as well. #shots? maybe. LOL

    • http://passionoir.com/ Black Love

      What’s up with kappa s?

    • http://passionoir.com/ Black Love

      What’s up with kappa s?

    • IET

      “defining the ‘diva dude’”
      “Read: Kappa”
      Doesn’t pledging a fraternity period, beget DD b*tch*ssness?

    • IET

      “defining the ‘diva dude’”
      “Read: Kappa”
      Doesn’t pledging a fraternity period, beget DD b*tch*ssness?

  • P.

    “defining the ‘diva dude'”

    read: the Kappa

  • legitimate_soul

    If this ain’t the friggin’ TRUTH! As I was reading this, about 3, nope, make that 4 dudes came to mind. Number 9, in your list cinched it! This was soooooooo on point! You also helped me put my finger on and gave me a friggin’ LIST of why folks feel a certain kind of way about those cats. I know you said you re-vamped this and you posted this before, but I am glad it’s here. This was an excellent post. Dang, I’m all enthused by the truth in it!

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      see, the next step is to start naming names. we should have a diva dude directory on vsb

      • CNotes

        @The Champ

        Great idea! (desperately looking for a pen to begin jotting down my contributions to the list)

      • CNotes

        @The Champ

        Great idea! (desperately looking for a pen to begin jotting down my contributions to the list)

      • Smiley Face

        All of the Trey’s I’ve ever known are DD’s..allnem

        • Terribke

          “All of the Trey’s I’ve ever know are DD’s…allnem” #DOA

          trigga trey songz, anyone???

        • Terribke

          “All of the Trey’s I’ve ever know are DD’s…allnem” #DOA

          trigga trey songz, anyone???

      • Smiley Face

        All of the Trey’s I’ve ever known are DD’s..allnem

      • #1Snowflake

        I was at an event last. . . . [I always hope to run into you- but how would I know— I look for a name tag that say “The Champ”– it won’t happen] I DIGRESS— and I ran into this Diva Dude, I kept thinking Ohhh I wish the VSB comment section was here—- I would like to add:

        Jason …….. to the list.

        BUT really. . . when I was sitting in my census training today and I just started thinking about this post and it made me smile. . . and chuckle until the facilitator asked me if I wanted to share with the class. . . I had to decline. LOL!!

      • #1Snowflake

        I was at an event last. . . . [I always hope to run into you- but how would I know— I look for a name tag that say “The Champ”– it won’t happen] I DIGRESS— and I ran into this Diva Dude, I kept thinking Ohhh I wish the VSB comment section was here—- I would like to add:

        Jason …….. to the list.

        BUT really. . . when I was sitting in my census training today and I just started thinking about this post and it made me smile. . . and chuckle until the facilitator asked me if I wanted to share with the class. . . I had to decline. LOL!!

      • JayKay

        Can I PLEASE head up the Chicago of the DDAA (Diva Dude Awareness Alliance)?!?! Many men in Chicago already hate to pay without something in return, your number, your virginity, your first born. Add diva dudes to the mix and a hot mess is born.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      see, the next step is to start naming names. we should have a diva dude directory on vsb

  • legitimate_soul

    If this ain’t the friggin’ TRUTH! As I was reading this, about 3, nope, make that 4 dudes came to mind. Number 9, in your list cinched it! This was soooooooo on point! You also helped me put my finger on and gave me a friggin’ LIST of why folks feel a certain kind of way about those cats. I know you said you re-vamped this and you posted this before, but I am glad it’s here. This was an excellent post. Dang, I’m all enthused by the truth in it!

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